Batman (1966) s02e34 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
When we last left the Dynamic Duo Sandman, that notorious European criminal recently arrived in Gotham City was preparing to deliver a sleeping Robin into Catwoman's clutches.
While Batman was tied to a mattress above which the wicked needle of a button-stitching device was bearing down on him.
For you, of course, some time has passed.
For the Caped Crusaders, mere seconds.
The kid's waking up, Sandman.
Yeah, prepare the patient for a brief stethoscopic examination, Snooze.
- Where's Batman? What have you done to him? -I? Ha-ha-ha.
It was you who did it, Caped Captive.
At my command, you pressed the switch which should have disposed of him by now.
How ironic.
Batman button-stitched to death by Robin.
You fiendish quack.
To the medical eye, such childish claptrap means only one thing, young man, you need some sleep.
Well, we've liquidated Batman and Catwoman has her own little plan for Robin's demise.
A day's dirty work well done.
- Take him out to the Batmobile.
-The Batmobile, Sandman? It's parked out in front.
After I take him to the Catlair, I shall dispose of the Batmobile then I'm sure J.
Pauline Spaghetti will be phoning frantically for another penthouse call from Dr.
Somnambula.
Asleep? Lovely.
Lovely.
- What happened to Batman? -Tell her.
He's dead.
Are you sure? I pushed the switch that killed him.
Then you have a new assistant, Catwoman.
Only as long as he remains asleep.
Kitty, you know where to take him.
Follow me, Robin.
I'll join you shortly.
I'm sure you'll find your next adventure most amazing.
Did your emphasis on "amazing" have any particular significance? A play on words, Sandman.
How did things go with J.
Pauline Spaghetti? It shouldn't be long before her entire fortune is in my control, Catwoman.
Your control? Our control.
Now I must find someplace to abandon the Batmobile and then return to J.
Pauline's penthouse.
For such a highly respected criminal there's something insidiously untrustworthy about Sandman.
Whereas he has only one life, I wonder if he realizes that a cat has nine.
With Batman and Robin out of the way, all I have to do is to put J.
Pauline Spaghetti to sleep again and purloin that billion-dollar fortune.
Purloin seems to be more of a Catwoman word, Sandman.
Never fear, in this Somnambulistic scheme l, Sandman, will have the last word, which will be the word that counts.
NARRATOR".
What do we have here in the depths of the newly-renovated catacombs? A maze? What's this? Still asleep, Boy Wonder? I think he's waking up a little.
Creep out softly, Kitty.
Where am I? On the threshold of my maze.
An enlarged version of the type in which scientific experiments are carried out on rats and mice.
You will notice that the entrance is here, the exit here directly adjoining.
However, once you start into it it may take you the rest of your life before you get out of it, if then.
Somewhere within the place, my traitorous cat servant Catarina is hopelessly wandering.
Ha, ha.
Unless she's found the center of the maze.
In that case, she'll never return.
- Ready? -No, I'm not going into that maze.
I'm wide awake now and I-- This Catamizer contains deadly catasonic acid, Boy Wonder.
Which do you prefer? Taking a chance on getting out of the maze in an hour, a week, a year or being catalyzed here in a matter of seconds? Hmm? Holy voltage! NARRATOR".
Set ad rift without the Boy Wonder or the Batmobile Batman courageously presses on.
Commissioner Gordon, I know Robin too well to believe he'd ever betray me and embrace a life of crime.
I'm certain Sandman has turned him into a sleepwalker.
We must make every effort to find him.
I'll put every man behind it.
No, commissioner, I'll find him and Sandman.
But in the meantime, J.
Pauline Spaghetti must have maximum protection.
- The billionaire noodle queen? -I'll explain later.
Meanwhile, station all men you have available in and around her penthouse suite.
And above all, don't let her see a certain Dr.
Somnambula.
Dr.
Somnambula? I must get to the Batcave as fast as possible.
Let me send a police car.
A needless waste of taxpayers' money, commissioner.
Gotham City's transit line is the world's most rapid.
Dr.
Somnambula.
Isn't that the name that phony Sleeping Beauty mentioned on television? Yes, Chief O'Hara.
And with Robin kidnapped, the Batmobile missing J.
Pauline Spaghetti somehow in dire danger and both Catwoman and Sandman deeply involved I've never said this before, Chief O'Hara, but for once, it looks as if our side has fumbled the ball.
Oh! You gave me quite a start, sir.
I didn't hear the Batmobile.
I took the subway to Wayne Station and Batwalked up the road.
You-- But what happened? Where is Master Robin? Both of them are still in the clutches of that scheming sleepy hood, Sandman who barely missed making a mattress out of me.
If I may, sir.
Sometimes I can't help wondering if-- If the hazards of crime-fighting are really worth the goal.
That, Alfred, has never entered my mind.
Perhaps the Batmobile Tracking Graph can be of some help to us now.
Let's just hope that wherever the Batmobile is, Robin is.
Aha.
Good.
The Batmobile is still transmitting its location signal.
Strange.
It seems to be passing through a run-down factory area.
It won't be found too soon in this run-down factory area.
- What about Nap? -He's right behind us in the pickup truck.
It stopped.
I know that section of the city well.
Derwin Alley.
It's surrounded by run-down factories.
Perhaps a call to Commissioner Gordon, sir? No, Alfred, the Batmobile is my personal responsibility.
And who knows what might have happened to Robin? But there's no subway station in that vicinity, nor a bus line.
I could drive you down in the Wayne limousine, sir.
I couldn't drive the Batmobile back as Bruce Wayne, Alfred.
No.
No, you couldn't.
Let me take you in on the Alf-cycle, sir.
I don't think we shall attract much attention.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Yes.
A wise solution.
That's funny, that looks just like the Batmobile.
All the new cars look alike this year.
Maybe they all look alike to a rookie cop, Reggie but when you've been on the force longer, you'll see some difference.
Registered to a guy named Batman, all right.
With no street address.
And he left the keys in the ignition.
Two traffic violations right there.
Vehicle code numbers-- It's not like Batman to do that.
Here we are, sir.
- Thank you for the lift, citizen.
-The least I could do, sir.
Good work, officers.
I see you've found my car.
Your car, bub? Got any identification? Reggie, this is Batman.
I can vouch for it.
Then you know your registration is incomplete and you left your keys in the ignition.
The Batmobile was stolen.
No doubt the thief didn't wanna get caught with the keys.
Did you report it as stolen? - Not exactly.
- That's another violation.
- Vehicle code number-- -Reggie, will you get off it? He's got pull with Gordon and O'Hara.
Correction.
I try to cooperate with the police of Gotham City.
I say impound the car and run him in.
If you think that's your duty, officers.
Let's get to work.
Here's your keys, Batman.
Thank you, officers.
I'll correct the oversights.
Did either of you see Robin when you found the Batmobile? - Who's Robin? -Oh, you've really got a lot to learn, Reggie.
Robin.
Robin? Batman to Robin.
But deep in the labyrinth of Catwoman's maze Robin, lost and confused, doesn't know Batman is still alive.
And also, finds he's joined Policewoman Mooney in the inescapable center of Catwoman's torturous trap.
Robin.
Boy Wonder, what are you doing in the center of this maze? It's a long story.
Who are you? Catarina? Also, Policewoman Mooney.
Where's Batman? I'm afraid it's over for the Caped Crusader.
And for me.
- And for you too.
-No.
- We got in here and there must be a way out.
-None, Robin.
None.
Holy rat trap! Purr-cisely, Boy Wonder, for both of you.
And then when he gets his hands on the Spaghetti billions, for Sandman.
A patrol car in Derwin Alley, Batman? That must have been Officers Hogan and Dietrick.
A credit to your department, commissioner.
One of them pointed out three traffic violations on my part.
I trust he didn't give you a ticket, Batman.
The other one talked him out of it.
Rather unusual police procedure but under the circumstances What are the circumstances? Have you found Robin? No, nor Sandman either.
Do you know if he's tried to see J.
Pauline Spaghetti again? Chief O'Hara is over there right now with all the men that we can spare.
Hold on a minute, Batman.
That may be him on my private phone right now.
Yes? What? But how could Sandman walk into J.
Pauline Spaghetti's penthouse and spirit her out from under your nose? She said he was her savior and demanded we let him in.
It's hard keeping saviors out, commissioner.
And then he looked at me and me men, said we seemed a little peaked and the first thing I knew, he had this stethoscope What--? Hold on a minute, chief.
Commissioner Gordon.
This is Tuthill, commissioner.
Gotham City Security Trust.
Yes, Mr.
Tuthill? I'm sorry to bother you, but if you happen to hear from Batman lt just so happens he's holding on another telephone now.
Why? A certain Dr.
Somnambula-- Dr.
Somnambula? Yes, Dr.
Somnambula just told me Batman might like to know Catwoman's address, which he gave me.
Uh, it's "Catacombs Condominium, Subterranean Suite 6.
" What--? What did he want to see you about? He came into the bank an hour or so ago with J.
Pauline Spaghetti.
- What for? - It's rather sweet, really.
It seems the billionaire noodle queen and her doctor are eloping.
She cashed a counter check for 200 million just to see them through.
Eloping? Where? They happened to mention J.
Pauline Spaghetti Island.
Sentimental, isn't it? The site of her first noodle factory.
It's grand larceny, that's what it is.
Not to mention fraud, swindle extortion, and a vicious and sinister plot.
O'Hara.
O'Hara.
Get back over here on the double.
- Still there, Batman? -Yes, commissioner.
Brace yourself.
How do I know this isn't some kind of trick, Batman? It's no trick, Catwoman.
It's the truth.
How else would I have learned the location of your Catlair? Sandman eloping with J.
Pauline Spaghetti? And all those beautiful billions I suspect you wanted to get your paws on.
But there is one way he might be stopped if I can count on your help.
You can count on me for anything.
To get even with that two-faced continental traitor.
Where's Robin? Who? Robin.
Sandman said that he delivered him here to you as a little souvenir of a quilting bee.
Oh, Robin.
Ha, ha.
Ah, tsk, tsk, tsk.
- Where is he, Catwoman? -Oh, you're so strong and forceful, Batman.
- And determined.
-Mm.
If I can find Robin, we can go to J.
Pauline Spaghetti island-- Your mouth is handsome when you're angry and your eyes are so flashing under that mask.
Where is he, Catwoman? And if I purr, so to speak? I'll testify that you cooperated, the rest is up to the court.
Ah.
- Kitty, take Batman to my maze.
-Maze? You'll find Robin in the center of it, if you find the center of it.
Also that cunning oat servant, Catarina, otherwise known as Policewoman Mooney.
- This way, Batman.
-After you.
Came.
Pack at once.
We're catching the first plane to the Canary Islands.
You just missed that plane, Catwoman.
How did you get in here? Wherever there's a cat, Catwoman, there's usually a back alley.
NARRATOR".
For the last time, what do we have here? Batman in and out of Catwoman's amazing maze in no time back in the Batmobile with Robin.
And away like dynamic flashes to the Batboat and J.
Pauline Spaghetti Island.
You mean this is where it all began, my dear J.
Pauline? Oh, doctor dear, no.
It started in a little shack on the other side of the island.
I used to raise my own wheat outside.
Actually, this is where it all ended.
Or at least my first husband ended here.
Your first husband? Yes, J.
Peter Spaghetti.
He fell into a kneading machine.
And my second husband, J.
Phineas Spaghetti he dried to death on a vermicelli tray.
And my third husband, J.
Patrick Spaghetti cut.
-Cut? You know those revolving knives that cut noodles into bite-size pieces? And J.
Paul Spaghetti he stumbled into a steam cylinder.
He expanded to three times his size.
Not a bit pasty.
Who is this for? Ah, heh.
Oh, doctor dear, a wise woman must look ahead.
Oh, this factory holds so many memories for me that's why I wanted to be married here.
I'm so glad that you brought the witnesses along.
I wonder what's happened to the minister I called.
He probably stumbled into something.
Shouldn't you lie down and rest before the ceremony? Oh, for my fifth wedding day? Oh, no.
I don't mind staying awake for that.
Sandman.
Look, the living mattress.
You two again? Intruding as usual.
Yes, Sandman.
This little sleepwalk is over.
Pardon me, dear lady.
Sorry to interrupt your wedding, Mrs.
Spaghetti, but Holy sedative.
She's asleep.
I don't think sedatives had anything to do with it but she certainly is blissfully, vertically, deeply asleep.
Noodles.
I wanna hear what happened to both of you in the mountains.
Really, I do.
But I have been so involved with a landscape architect who came up with a novel idea.
A maze in the front garden.
- A maze? - Yes, Dick.
Like they have in the gardens of old European palaces.
Now, ours would be constructed on the hedge and alley system and planted with hornbeam and holly and yew.
- Lovely.
-Now, just think of the fun we'd have at parties.
With our friends trying to find their way to the center.
Indeed, madam.
Very tricky.
Actually, not so tricky, Alfred.
You see, most mazes are based pretty much on the same pattern.
Upon entering, you turn to your left.
On the first two occasions where you have a choice you keep right, thereafter you keep to your left.
Is that how you found--? I mean-- - Uh, is that how it's done? -Yes, that's how it's done, Dick.
Of course, the garden mazes do present problems, Aunt Harriet.
Do they, Bruce? For some unknown reason, they attract cats by the thousands.
They're also strangely sleep-inducing undoubtedly due to the hypnotic effect of the irregular pattern.
Oh.
Well, then, I'll go back to my original idea.
A plain clover lawn.
In the long run, Aunt Harriet, I think that would be much more restful.