Batman (1966) s02e35 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
Gotham City, like any other large metropolis, abounds in the quaint shop the unique store.
And what could be a more bizarre emporium than Bon Ben's Box Boutique? Open early on this sunny morning almost as if awaiting some equally bizarre customers.
Well, good morning, gentlemen.
Something in empty boxes today? We're looking for some empty hat boxes.
A lot of empty hat boxes.
Well, you've really come to the right place.
I have a collection of empty hat boxes unparalleled in all of Gotham City.
Good, 700 of these would be fine.
- Do you want them delivered? -We'll take them with us.
Seven hundred hat boxes? There are three of us.
Cash or charge? That is of no concern to me, madam as I don't intend to pay for them in either case.
Oh.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile behind the boxwood hedges and boxing shutters of stately Wayne Manor And so, Professor Overbeck as head of the Wayne Foundation, it gives me great pleasure to present to you this check which, in some small way, may help you with your fine work at the Gotham City Atomic Energy Laboratories.
Oh! Mr.
Wayne, it gives me great pleasure to accept this.
Heh.
The Batphone, sir.
- Thank you, Alfred.
I may need your help, Dick.
-Sure, Bruce.
Now, if you'll excuse me, professor, I have some other matters connected with the foundation.
But of course, Mr.
Wayne.
It will give me a moment with this charming lady to thank her for the delightful luncheon.
You know, you know, Mrs.
Cooper, I really mean it.
You have a certain way with a strudel.
Stole 700 hat boxes from Bon Bon's Box Boutique? There's little doubt about the culprit's identity, Batman.
Warden Crichton tells me the convicts were enjoying a softball game last week and the Mad Hatter stole home and kept right on going in Warden Crichton's cap.
The warden was acting as umpire.
Keep calm, commissioner.
We'll be right there.
To the Batpoles.
Atomic batteries to power.
Turbines to speed.
Roger.
Ready to move out.
So I'd say it's following the old familiar pattern of the Mad Hatter.
- But he hasn't stolen any hats.
-One hat, Robin.
Or rather a cap belonging to Warden Crichton along with home plate at the penitentiary.
Which they found between the prison's baseball diamond and the tennis courts.
Sometimes I wonder if the warden's rehabilitation program isn't getting out of hand.
And of course there were the 700 hat boxes along with the attack on the proprietress of the Box Boutique.
Sure, and that all adds up to at least a little larceny.
That adds up to serious trouble, Chief O'Hara.
Who knows what disaster lies ahead when a man of the Mad Hatter's twisted tendencies is loose in Gotham City? And who knows what lies in store for you, Batman? He'd stop at nothing to add that cowl to his horrific hoard of headpieces.
The loss of my cowl is secondary, commissioner.
But not the fate of Gotham City.
Right.
This monster must be stopped at once.
Where will we begin, Batman? The prison ballpark or the box shops? That's all after the fact, Robin.
We must anticipate his next move.
And I believe the Batcave is the place for that.
Excuse us, please.
Looking back, Chief O'Hara, it's hard to remember how we operated at all before those two masked Samaritans appeared on the scene.
It's not hard for me to remember, commissioner.
Things were a mess.
NARRATOR".
Masked Samaritans or not, it looks like things may get even messier judging by what's going on in the Mad Hatter's current hideaway in the defunct Green Derby Restaurant.
It's like losing old friends, Polly, putting these hats away.
Take this shako, for instance.
Ho-ho! How startled the guardsman was when I lifted it during a time when he was trooping the royal colors.
Wasn't that risky, Jervis? A bit touch-and-go.
Especially when the king ordered my execution.
But I escaped.
With this noose.
Hardly a hat, but in its way, a kind of headwear.
Aha.
And the sultan of Shargreve how startled he was when I lifted this during a tiger hunt.
You certainly were asking for trouble that time, Jervis.
A soupgon.
What puzzles me, Jervis, is why you're packing all this heisted headgear.
Times change, Polly, and people with them.
Stealing hats has lost its fascination for me.
You mean you're going straight? Hardly.
Do you think I've blown my lid? This phase in my career will never be over until the Caped Crusader's cowl is safely in my custody.
Oh, gee, Jervis.
You had me worried for a minute.
I mean, a hat-check girl without any hats to check is And after that I'm going to change my tactics and use hats to steal.
Hats to steal? I'm puzzled again.
Well, it's a plan which is better understood as it unfolds, Polly involving as it does the Headdress Ball tonight at which you will be in charge of the hat-check stand plus the Three-Tailed Pasha of Panchagorum plus this plastic gun filled with radioactive spray plus the Golden Buddha of Bergama and the priceless ruby in its forehead and finally plus that elevated water tank at the rear of this property.
Down the ladder of which Benny and Skimmer are now climbing.
What on earth are they doing in the water tank? Preparing a watery grave, elevated of course for the Caped Crusader.
If I don't think of a trickier means of disposing of Batman first.
"Sombrero.
Sunbonnet Pith helmet.
Tam-0'-shanter.
Skullcap.
Snood.
" I don't see how we'll anticipate Mad Hatter's next malicious move just by getting a lot of cards from a Batcomputer, Batman.
You're right, Robin.
No doubt even that mechanical marvel feels the stress and strain of crime-fighting and has chosen this particular moment to letdown.
Perhaps if I activated the Accelerated Concentration Switch.
Holy handiwork, Batman.
A new attack entirely.
"The Top Hat Room.
The Headdress Ball.
Hattie Hatfield.
" Of course.
I should have made the connection myself, Robin.
Perhaps I, too, have become remiss.
Well, what is the connection? Gotham City's Annual Charity Headdress Ball is being held tonight at the Gotham Towers West in the Top Hat Room.
And Hattie Hatfield uh, Gotham City's current grande dame of local society is the head of the event.
Isn't she the owner of the famous Hatfield ruby? Right, Robin.
And as I recall reading in the morning's gossip column the magnificent headdress worn tonight by Ms.
Hatfield will be held in place by that ruby.
Oh, that should draw Mad Hatter like a magnet.
No doubt, old chum.
So as we have one of our infrequent free afternoons I think we should run a check on our Batarangs and our Bat-ropes.
We did that right after our last Bat-climb.
Forewarned, forearmed, Robin.
All the walls of the Gotham Towers West are sheer glass.
NARRATOR".
But even as the Headdress Ball gets underway what surprising news is this hotel manager receiving in the foyer of the Top Hat Room? The Three-Tailed Pasha of Panchagorum? Yes, he's in Gotham City incognito.
And he's asked me, as First Secretary of the Panchagorum Consulate to tell you that he'd love to drop in on the Headdress Ball for a few moments.
Incognito, of course.
To observe the folkways and native customs.
But he's a very simple man and he trusts that there will be no burden on hotel security.
Oh, no, no.
Assure him, sir, that it will not.
No, for the Three-Tailed Pasha, we shall be most unobtrusive.
Heh.
EXCUSE TUE, EXCUSE me, EXCUSE me.
I think I'd better alert you, honey.
The Three-Tailed Pasha of Panchagorum is about to drop in on this little affair any minute.
Oh? Then I'll give him a three-tailed hat check.
He doesn't want word to get out, but I'd better tell Hattie Hatfield.
- I hear Jervis is on his way up.
-Right.
Is, uh, everything set? Skimmer and the rest of the boys are at their stations.
The Three-Tailed Pasha of Panchagorum? Did you hear that, Mabel? NARRATOR".
But while the pasha ascends by elevator the dynamic duo make a less orthodox approach up the sheer glass wall.
Looked like a fancy affair down on the 62nd floor, Batman.
Just goes to show, Robin, that people who stay in glass hotels shouldn't throw parties.
Eyes front.
After all, we're not social climbers.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile back at the classy clambake Care to check your three-tailed hat, sir? I never leave my hat with anyone.
My three-horsetailed tassels are a symbol of my high rank as a Panchagorum military commander.
Then perhaps your gloves.
Nor my gloves, either.
In this one, I have my reliable ruby retriever.
But, uh, what a unique custom.
Leaving articles of clothing with a pretty young lady at the door.
I must initiate that in my Panchagorum harems.
I'm Hattie Hatfield, Your Three-Tailed Excellency.
Then word has gotten out.
I really wanted this little visit to be incognito.
- Who's that? -Mad Hatter, Robin.
Who else? Why three horsetails on his fez? Obviously a ruse of some kind.
Let's slip in and find a better vantage point.
I'm sure we'll be unnoticed.
In Panchagorum I travel unnoticed, and prefer it that way.
Such a humble man.
Oh, I love your hat.
What a unique place to wear your three tails.
- A concession to the changing times.
-Heh.
The buffet? Some champagne for His Three-Tailed Pasha.
And some caviar.
He's so charming.
He's so democratic.
Batman and Robin are hiding behind the table.
Yeah, ready for action.
And they'll get it.
No, thank you.
You mean I can't interest you in anything? Oh, I didn't say that, dear lady.
That headdress of yours is very interesting.
Particularly that beautiful ruby.
- On your mark.
-Compared to it the famous stones of Panchagorum are faded and lifeless.
But it's really nothing.
It's a family heirloom.
Get set.
But what brilliance.
Go.
Batman and Robin.
What are you doing here? The Three-Tailed Pasha is an imposter, Ms.
Hatfield.
If you'll check your headdress, you'll see that your ruby is gone.
It's gone.
Back, citizens.
And now you, Mad Hatter.
Not until I toss my hat into the ring, Batman.
Holy fireworks! Look out, Batman, knock-out gas.
No, Boy Wonder, something much more effective.
Radioactive spray.
Try this on your cowl for size.
You diabolical devil.
Not one step forward, Boy Wonder, or you'll get it too.
Don't take that step, Robin.
Why, you three-tailed-- Your cowl, Batman.
It's turned bright pink.
A form of virulent radiation, Robin.
Quickly.
Back to the Batcave before it is too late.
Sir, all your other cowls are in the Home Dry Bat-cleaning Plant.
It's turned up to full-maximum.
But even so, I'm afraid they won't be ready for another couple of hours at least.
Holy self-service.
What about the new cowls you've been working on, Alfred? The material I ordered hasn't arrived yet.
A trend of the times, I'm afraid, sir.
We've gotta do something.
I know a little about radioactivity and its effect on human tissue.
If you're worrying about me, Robin, don't.
The Anti Radioactive Bat-pill that I took should hold me for a short while longer.
Of greater importance is getting a usable cowl and to use it in apprehending Mad Hatter.
Alfred, turn the Home Dry Bat-cleaning Plant from full-maximum to super-instant while millionaire Bruce Wayne makes a telephone call.
- Very good, sir.
-Bruce Wayne? Yes, to Professor Overbeck of the Gotham City Atomic Energy Laboratories.
This morning Mr.
Wayne presented Professor Overbeck with a sizable check for his fine work.
Perhaps the good professor would like to return the favor by doing something for Mr.
Wayne's friend, Batman.
Yes, Mr.
Batman, Mr.
Wayne did call.
And I'll be glad to help you in any way I can.
But that cowl.
Ach du lieber, that cowl.
You know, I'm not sure that our most advanced decontaminating processes will be of help.
However, we will try.
I'll have my assistant bring you a hooded protective suit at once while you are waiting here.
Just one moment, please.
On your toes, Robin.
The night has eyes and ears.
Gosh, Batman, that one stumps me.
I didn't have time to explain it on the outside but we were followed here at least part of the way.
Mad Hatter? No doubt anticipating our every move.
And what better place to retrieve my cowl than somewhere I voluntarily remove it.
He may be in for a little surprise.
Otto.
Otto.
Otto.
Yes, professor? Where have you been, Otto? Look, when I call I expect an answer.
I'm answering, professor.
I'm answering.
Now, look, Otto, I have here Herr Batman with me in a radioactive cowl which has to be decontaminated.
Now, will you please bring me one hooded protective suit at once.
Yes, professor, yes.
Give me a hand with that hooded protective suit, and then find me another.
So little is known about this radioactivity of radioactive agents.
So little is known that we only know one thing, that eventually they are deadly.
Gosh, Batman.
I hope that pill is still working.
The effects are beginning to wear off faintly.
Ah, here he is.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, Herr Batman, will you please slip out of your cowl and get into this? Yes, and, oh, I remember, you don't want to reveal your identity so use this, will you, please.
- Need any help, Batman? -No, Robin.
Just remember, eyes and ears.
So your name's Otto.
Oh, excuse me, Wonder Boy.
I should have introduced you.
Yes, this is Otto.
Otto Puffendorfer.
You see, he's my reliable assistant ever since I had a little laboratory way back in the old country.
- Here you are, professor.
- Yeah, yes-- Oh, no, no.
No? Ah.
Otto, Otto, take this out and have it decontaminated.
- Just a minute, Otto Puffendorfer.
-Unhand me, Boy Birdbrain.
- Oh! -Now I have what I've always wanted.
That wasn't Otto.
- No, it was Mad Hatter.
-Aah! Herr Batman.
- How could you have two cowls? - I'll explain later, professor.
- Is there another door into that room? -Down the hall.
I have Batman's cowl.
The crowning achievement of my career.
The end of his.
And the end of crime-fighting in Gotham City, boss.
Oh, such sweet victory.
Don't count us out yet, gentlemen.
Victory and defeat are of the same price, Mad Hatter.
It's some kind of a trick.
That can't be Batman.
As well as you can be the Three-tailed Pasha of Panchagorum.
And Professor Overbeck's assistant, Mad Hatter? - I'll take that cowl.
- That cowl's contaminated.
Sic them! Sic them! Sic them! Herr Batman, Herr Batman.
Robin is trapped in a fluoroscopic cabinet.
It's a high-voltage x-ray.
Oh, Herr Bat-- Aah! Otto.
Otto.
Somebody.
Mr.
Fancy-Hatter, they'll be x-rayed forever.
They'll be radiated in a matter of minutes.
Don't worry, my friend.
You don't need to watch.
Happy tin-types, dynamic duo.