Bewitched (1964) s02e35 Episode Script

- You tired, honey? - I'm exhausted.
- How about you? - Not a bit.
I'm still keyed up from the party tonight.
I was pretty funny, huh? Yes.
Well, now, you relax and try and get some sleep, huh? Okay.
Darrin.
Darrin, you left your light on.
Darrin.
Darrin.
Darrin? You're snoring.
That's okay, honey.
I don't mind.
- Good morning, sweetheart.
- Hi, honey.
Ready for breakfast? I'll have to pass, honey.
No time.
Darrin, do you have to dash off every morning without breakfast? You've hardly been home for dinner either.
I've barely seen you.
I know.
But I have to have the entire cosmetic campaign ready for that big sales meeting tomorrow morning.
I have to be in town this afternoon.
Maybe we can meet for lunch.
I'm having lunch with one of the execs of the cosmetic company.
Some guy named Tony Devlin.
Perhaps we could meet for a midnight snack sometime, stranger.
I'll eat my lonely breakfast in lonely silence and try to be brave.
Go now, and don't look back.
I have been neglecting you, haven't I? I tell you what, no matter how much work I have to do tonight l'll forget about it and come on home and have dinner with you.
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Bye-bye.
- May I join you, dear? - Hi, Mother.
Your mortal roommate seems to be getting the seven-year itch five years early.
What do you mean by that remark? When a husband starts working nights that's a different story.
Mother, don't you let your suspicious little imagination run away with him.
Seven-year itch, indeed.
But it doesn't have to be an out-and-out itch.
All it takes is a little rash.
Do you mind if we change the subject? Now, look, I have to go shopping in town, so why don't you come and then we'll have lunch together.
- Oh, splendid.
Let's go to some place really chic, and dress to the nine.
Like it? Perfect.
They're both witches.
Charlie Leach, private eye, you've really got it made now.
Charmaine, honey.
Sweetheart.
Your loved one is home.
Did I wake you, honey? No, I'm all dressed up for the senior prom.
Baby, I've got some great news.
You can go right back to sleep after I tell you all about it, huh? No.
Just having you home makes me too excited to sleep.
I only see you 26 hours a day.
Baby, our problems are over.
Something sensational happened.
We were finally accepted on relief? Oh, I know things have been tough up to now, Charmaine but I'm onto something real big.
And you're gonna have diamonds, a fur, a car a yacht and a mansion.
What? And leave all this? Oh, I ain't kidding.
It's just that I gotta figure out one little angle.
Yeah, how to get the money direct from the mint and eliminate the middleman.
No, I'm serious, honey.
Do you remember a few weeks ago I was doing a little snooping I mean, investigating for this baby food company? Yeah.
And I also remember they fired you for all that crazy talk about witches and black magic.
The only kind of job you can hold from that kind of talk is a social director at a funny farm.
Oh, I was only kidding about that.
I've been doing some investigating on my own and I've got some information that's gonna be worth a fortune.
You and me are gonna be rolling in dough.
Charlie, I don't need to be rolling in dough.
Right now I'd settle for you getting a job that lasts past lunch.
- Darrin.
- Yeah, Larry? Meet Toni Devlin of United Cosmetics.
I'll be right with you, Mr.
Devlin.
- Oh, excuse me, Miss Devlin.
- Made the same mistake myself.
It's Toni with an "I," not with a "Y.
" This is Darrin Stephens.
- How do you do? - How do you do? Now, if you'll excuse me.
- Won't you sit down, Miss Devlin.
- Thank you.
I was just going over the art layout for the campaign.
I'll have the final ones ready tomorrow morning.
Mr.
Stephens, I hope my being a woman won't cause us a problem in working together.
Of course not.
Why should it? We'll get along just fine as long as we keep it strictly business.
I'm not the least bit interested in the flirtatious little games between the sexes.
I hope I make myself clear.
Oh, yeah, crystal clear.
Let me say something, Miss Devlin: Aren't you being a trifle presumptuous? I'm merely going by the track record in this business.
Then let me be the record breaker.
I happen to be a happily married man.
I have a lovely wife and daughter and, no offence intended, but I do find you resistible.
I deserved that.
Forgive me.
- Friends? - Friends.
May we go to lunch now? Frankly, I'm starved.
- Okay.
But I'm warning you, lady - About what? After lunch, I'm bringing you back to this office to show you my etchings.
Mother, I haven't been here in ages.
Not since Darrin and I were dating.
We used to call it "our place.
" Oh, that's a man for you.
When they're chasing you there's always some dear, little romantic "our place.
" And after they catch you "our place" is in the kitchen, with Laundromat privileges.
- Samantha.
- What is it? Look at that.
This was a favourite spot of Samantha's and mine when we were dating.
We used to call it "our place.
" Kind of corny, huh? But sweet.
You really are in love with her, aren't you? She is out of this world.
Well, so what, Mother.
Darrin said he was gonna have a business lunch with Toni Devlin.
He didn't say that Toni plucked his eyebrows, did he? I'm sure it's nothing more than what he said, a business lunch.
Oh, Samantha, he really has you brainwashed.
Why? Because I trust him? I don't mind you trusting him, just don't put so much faith in that trust.
Now, for once, listen to me, and let's get out of here.
No, I am not sneaking out like an eavesdropping wife.
If you don't go, I'm going to do something terrible to him.
I mean it.
This time, I'll really turn him into a frog, forever.
You wouldn't.
He already has a big mouth.
Mother, stop trying to stir up trouble.
Darrin said he'd be home for dinner, and he will.
He'll have some last-minute excuse.
- Sam, I'm home! - The voice of treason.
- Samantha! - In here, darling.
- Mother, try and be pleasant to him.
- Am I ever anything else? Oh, hi, Endora.
- Just passing through? - What? - Hi.
I made your favourite roast.
- Shame it'll go to waste.
Why should it go to waste? You always eat enough for three.
Well, I'm going upstairs to get washed and kiss our gorgeous daughter then I'll be right down.
Boy, that looks good, and I'm hungry.
Any questions? Something will come up.
You'll see.
Like, he left the lights on at the office or he had to go back and wax the floors because the janitor got sick.
And why didn't he mention anything about that woman at lunch? There was no need to.
The woman was a client, nothing more.
Excuse me.
- Hello.
You must be Mrs.
Stephens.
- Yes.
I'm Toni Devlin, a business associate of your husband.
- Oh, come in, please.
- Thank you.
- I don't like this - Mother.
This is my mother, Endora.
Toni Devlin.
- How do you do? - How do you do? I'm sorry to bother you, but I have to discuss some campaign changes with Darrin before our meeting tomorrow.
Well, I don't blame you.
This campaign is pretty obvious.
If you'll just have a seat, I'll get Darrin.
Samantha, this is really the limit.
That That hussy, walking right into your home flaunting herself in your face.
Mother, she seems very nice.
And she hasn't made flaunt one.
If you won't do anything about it, I will.
Mother, you change her back right now.
I will not.
And she stays this way until you come to your senses.
Goodbye.
Mother.
Mother! Honey, where'd you get the cat? Oh, she just wandered by.
- It's a cute cat.
- Yeah.
Why don't we have some hors d'oeuvres? Why don't we.
It seems we're not having that thing for dinner that always upsets my stomach.
- What's that? - Your mother.
No offence.
But she did leave, didn't she? Oh, yes, she left.
Is something wrong? You always have that special look on your face when something's wrong.
- Darrin.
- Yeah? Promise you won't get mad? I promise.
What? Oh, no! Darrin, you promised you wouldn't get mad.
I am not mad, I'm furious! Look, l Honestly, I never mistrusted you for a moment.
You shouldn't have.
You didn't have any reason to.
Well, don't just stand there.
Let's give Miss Devlin some milk.
Here, kitty, kitty.
Here, Miss Devlin Oh, no! She's gone.
What am I gonna do now? I have to have her at that meeting tomorrow.
That cat is chairman of the board.
Darrin.
Darrin, here, drink some coffee.
It'll calm you down.
Over 12 hours and not a single word.
Some police force we've got.
They can't even find a stray cat.
But if that cat double-parked, wham, they'd find it.
I'll get it.
Hello.
Oh, hello, Larry.
Have you talked with Miss Devlin today? Miss Devlin? No.
Why? I tired to reach her.
They said she didn't get back to her hotel.
I hope there's nothing wrong.
Oh, I'm sure there's nothing wrong, Larry.
She did say something to me about visiting her aunt or something.
We'll see her at the meeting then.
Sure, Larry.
Don't worry, I'll see you soon.
Bye.
We've gotta find her in time for that meeting.
We've got to find Mother so that she can change that cat back into Miss Devlin.
Sam, what if Miss Devlin got ahold of some bad garbage and is lying sick in an alley somewhere? I'll get it.
You drink this.
Good morning, Mrs.
Stephens.
Oh, no, not you again.
Charlie Leach, private eye, in person.
Who is it, honey? Your friendly neighbourhood blackmailer.
What do we have to do to get rid of you send you to the moon in a rocket? - I can do it without the rocket.
You don't frighten Charlie Leach with your witchcraft.
I know the magic word: C-A-T.
I do believe that I have a wonderful proposition that would be mutually beneficial.
- Okay, make it fast.
- In a word I have the little lady with four legs and a tail and in a safe place.
Being the generous soul that I am l'm willing to share my good fortune with you.
She's all yours.
- What's the catch? - There's no catch.
You hand me a million dollars cash, and I hand you the cat.
A million dollars? Are you out of your skull? - Where would I get a million dollars? - In her nose.
All she has to do is wiggle it, right? Oh, yeah.
And I'm also willing to forget the fact that you and your old lady are both witches.
Now, isn't that a generous gesture? - You're all heart.
- So? I'm afraid he's got us, honey.
Make with the nose.
Okay.
But my powers are limited, you know.
I can't produce that much money all at once.
Well, you better figure out something fast otherwise you'll never see that lady with the furry face no more.
Figure, Sam.
Figure.
- I've got it.
- What? - A money tree.
- Yeah, a money tree.
- A money tree? - A money tree.
A money tree? Wow, a hundred dollars.
I do believe I have died and gone to the great savings and loan in the sky.
Hey, wait a minute.
There are only ten bills.
A thousand dollars.
Our deal was for a million dollars.
Now, what about it? What about it? It blooms a new batch every 24 hours.
Yeah.
Now may we please have our cat? Yeah, in 24 hours.
If this thing works.
Well, I can't wait that long.
That cat has to be at a meeting at 11:00.
That's fair enough, Mr.
Leach.
One thing, though.
Would you please feed her promptly at 9:30? - It's very important.
- 9:30.
- And this thing better work.
- Oh, don't worry, it will.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- You sure you know what you're doing? - Oh, yes.
Positive.
- Then do one thing.
- What? Let me know.
Charmaine! Honey.
Sweetheart.
Your lover-boy is home.
What is it with you and anyone sleeping past the crack of dawn? Honey, this is worth waking up for.
At night, he won't take me dancing.
In the morning, he loves it.
I'll take you dancing every night.
As a matter of fact, I'll buy you your own dance hall.
Now, just feast your eyes on that.
You roll me out of a sound sleep to look at a bush? Listen to you.
A bush, you say? You're begging for a fat lip, Charlie.
Honey, this is no ordinary bush.
This is a money tree.
- Money tree.
- Yeah.
Charlie, it's too early for the bars to open.
You back to sniffing lighter fluid again? Cookie-face, I mean it.
This is a money tree.
It grows hundred-dollar bills.
- Hundred-dollar bills.
- Yeah.
And it grows a new batch every 24 hours.
I guess it sounds sort of crazy, huh? It should.
The words came from a crazy place.
You'll see.
You'll see.
Excuse me, I gotta go and feed the cat.
- What cat? - A very special cat.
This cat goes to meetings.
What did I do to deserve this? Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Here, miss.
I hope you liked mackerel when you were a lady.
Honey, if your witchcraft ever worked, it had better work now.
We witches are very reliable.
He should be feeding her right this minute.
Honey.
Don't you think that's enough? He's just supposed to feed the cat breakfast, not be it.
Herbs and spices, suet and fat Change the rodent back into that rat Don't scratch me! Thank goodness.
Oh, that horrible mackerel breath.
On your mark, get set, go.
One, two, three, four, five six, seven, eight, nine - Ten.
- Hello, Mr.
Leach.
Yes, and my wife will do it again if you don't bring that cat back.
Yes, I'll wait for you.
Goodbye.
He's bringing the cat right over.
Thank you.
Take her to the office.
I'll call you there.
I'll see if I can find Mother.
You be careful.
Don't worry.
Remember, I was flying before I could walk.
- Good morning, Larry.
- Darrin, I don't like it.
We'd better call the police.
Miss Devlin's just disappeared.
I'm sure she'll show up.
We have a few minutes before the meeting.
How can you be so calm? And what are you doing with that stupid cat? Larry, please don't talk that way in front of the cat.
- What? - Well, it's a nice cat.
Have you flipped? A client is missing, and all you're worried about is that dumb animal.
Larry, please.
Not in front of the cat.
- Yes.
- Would you tell Mr.
Tate the gentlemen have arrived for the meeting? Thank you.
I'll try and stall them.
Change, already.
Change! - Well, any word? - I'm afraid not.
There's no choice but to start the meeting and tell them what happened.
Yes.
Mr.
Stephens, there's a long-distance call for you from Tibet.
Tibet? Will you excuse us Me, for a minute, Larry? Yeah.
- Hello.
- Hello, Darrin? I found her in Tibet.
She came to have tea with the Lord High Lama.
Just in time too.
What? Okay, put her on.
Mak e the cat that woman again That did it, honey.
Come on home.
Where am I? We'd better get to the meeting.
Meeting? For some reason, I feel so strange.
It's commonly called a hangover.
- We had a pretty big night last night.
- We did? - Yes, we did.
- Boy, never again.
- Larry? - Yes? - Miss Devlin.
I didn't see you come in.
- She used the back door.
By the way, who was that on the phone from Tibet? Wrong number.
Wrong number? Leaves! Leaves! Nothing but leaves! I've been duped! They promised me that this would grow money this morning.
Charlie, you didn't really mean that jazz about the hundred-dollar bills? I sure did, and I'll prove it to you.
I picked a whole batch of them yesterday and put them in my wallet.
Now, here, you go out and buy something real nice for yourself.
Gee, I don't know how to thank you.
Oh, I'll get them for this.
They ain't seen the last of Charlie Leach yet.
My luck, I haven't either.