Batman (1966) s02e36 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
When we said our last fearful farewells to Batman and Robin the malevolent Mad Hatter had trapped them in a fluoroscopic cabinet of an atomic energy laboratory where, exposed to high-voltage x-rays it would only be a matter of moments before they'd be radiated forever.
For you, another few hours have gone by for the Dynamic Duo, an eternity as we shall shortly see.
Horror of horrors, can it have happened at long, long last? The disastrous demise of the Dynamic Duo? Yesterday, flesh and blood now cowled skeletons.
But who could this be? The Mad Hatter again? Demented enough to return to the scene of his fossilized folly? Now what's the matter, Polly? I told you what to expect.
But I didn't expect it.
Why did you bring me here if you knew about this all the time? Every man likes a pretty girl with him at a skeleton dance.
This time, Jervis, you've gone too far.
At least far enough, boss.
There's still ground to be covered.
But with Batman and Robin out of the way, as I've seen with my own two eyes the rest of this caper should be a picnic.
A picnic? At a time like this? Let's get out of here before anybody discovers us.
Although apparently no one is keeping a death watch.
Hey, boss, you know you could have picked up another cowl in there.
A morbid thought, Skimmer.
The one I tricked Batman out of last night will fill the bill beautifully.
No.
I won't believe it.
I don't believe it.
I can't believe it.
My world has just been ripped to shreds seam by seam.
Come now, commissioner, nothing could be as bad as all that.
This is, chief.
A cleaning woman at the Gotham Atomic Energy Laboratory-- Now, now, easy does it.
--Just called the editor of the Gotham Post Tribune.
- Maybe if you loosened your tie.
-And told them-- Have you still got that bottle here in your drawer? --That she had seen the-- The skeletons of Batman and Robin.
The what? The skeletons of the Caped Crusaders shrouded in their cowls-- Hold on to me, commissioner.
--In a fluoroscopic cabinet where they met their maker-- Don't say it.
--Under high-voltage x-ray.
No.
Pennsylvania 6-5-0-0-0.
Oh! No, no, no.
Well, he's at his ranch right now, but I'm sure he'll fly to Gotham City right away.
Trafalgar 6-5-0-0-0.
Oh! No, no, no.
She's at Windsor Castle.
She'll fly to Gotham City immediately.
Belatzova 6-5-0-0-0.
- Herr Batman? -I wanna thank you for your assistance Professor Overbeck.
-Oh, please, don't thank me.
You know, if it weren't for that little thingamajig You mean the Bat X-ray deflector in my utility belt.
Gosh, yes.
Sure a great gadget for deflecting all types of radiation in an instant.
It never hurts to be prepared, professor.
Oh, and you certainly were.
You know, with that extra cowl you wore under your contaminated one and the additional wardrobe you had in your Batmobile.
Hmm! It never would've worked if it hadn't been for the two skeletons in your closet.
Now I think we should get to the Batcave.
Wait a minute.
Remember, we left the Batmobile in back.
Holy memory bank, you're right.
NARRATOR".
But earth-shaking events or solitary moments, crime marches on.
Look, Jervis, they're coming down the tank now.
So I see.
Ha, ha.
Batman thought he was so smart planting that tracking gizmo in this cowl.
But now it's planted forever in that tank at the top of the tower.
Oh, the Mad Hatter has outsmarted the dear departed.
Heh.
Jervis, you sound like the Joker or the Puzzler, or even the Riddler.
Those phonies? Well, if Batman is so departed why do you go to all the trouble of hiding the tracking gizmo? I'm not hiding it, Polly, I'm drowning it.
Now, obviously the Caped Crusader's little accident will be discovered.
Now, there will be questions asked.
The police will be called in.
I don't want anything to lead them to me.
At least not until I have replaced the priceless ruby in the Golden Buddha of Bergama's forehead with this cheap replica from Hattie Hatfield's headdress.
Cheap replica? Of course, this is not the real Hatfield ruby.
You mean you knew that all the time? All the time, Polly.
My entire plan was to find a ruby similar to one in the Buddha's forehead and then get rid of Batman and Robin.
Now I've succeeded in both.
Now, just as soon as Benny and Skimmer come in we're off to the Gotham Art Center.
- Why there? -That's where the Buddha goes on exhibit in one hour.
Now, all we have to do is overpower the Royal Bergama Guard "accompanying the exhibit on its world tour.
And then with the aid of my reliable ruby retriever we'll switch rubies, and we're off and running.
We'd better be off and running right now.
Yeah.
Have you been outside recently? Not since we came in here.
Why? Because everything's come to a dead stop, that's why.
Someone found those two skeletons.
Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later.
Well, it happened sooner.
All business is shut down.
The people are flocking to their home by the thousands.
The whole town's at half-mast.
What a perfect time to snatch the ruby.
Now, Jervis, I'm not so sure that I-- Now, don't go soft on me, Polly.
Who made Batman and Robin famous crime-fighters? Criminals, that's who.
If you want to show a little respect to the departed stay crooked.
That's the least you could do.
Sure, boss.
You bet.
I guess you're right, Jervis.
It is sort of like putting flowers on their graves.
I'm sorry, Mildred.
There are already over 4000 women on the funeral committee alone.
But I might work you in on the Statue of Batman Committee.
Good, I'll put your name down.
It's just wonderful the way the citizens get together when it's a national crisis, isn't it? Oh, Alfred, how touching.
You're in mourning too.
And you're not even a native citizen.
Now, you two boys must get black armbands too.
Aunt Harriet - Oh.
What in the world is that? -That's what I was coming to tell you, madam.
An immense crowd has gathered outside.
I had to close the gates.
You see, madam, they know that, um, Mr.
Bruce was a friend of Batman's and - Yes, yes.
-Well, they're just here.
See that they're served coffee and sandwiches.
And we'll see them as soon as we get composed a little more.
Aunt Harriet.
Aunt Harriet, what would your reaction be if I told you that beyond a shadow of a doubt I knew that Batman and Robin are still alive? Well, I just wouldn't believe it, that's all.
What if I told you, Aunt Harriet? Oh, you two are sweet to try to bolster my shattered spirits.
But after all, I myself was the one who telephoned Professor Overbeck at the atomic laboratory.
And he wouldn't lie, would he? Dick, um, perhaps you and I should have a moment alone in my study.
I think so, Bruce.
Oh, that's a beautiful way for you to express your respects.
Hello? Oh, hello, Esther.
One more try, Dick? It's the only thing to do, Bruce.
Fifty-thousand people just standing.
The greatest of all the ills of man is grief, Chief O'Hara.
Mother McGillicutty, he's calling from the grave.
One thing we do know, at least Batman isn't buried yet.
Yes? - Batman? -Commissioner, I tried to get you earlier.
For as a great man before me has said: "The rumors of my death are greatly exaggerated.
" It's him, all right, the Caped Crusader.
Returned from beyond the pale, that's what he's done.
Apparently there's been a slight error, Batman? I'll explain, or certainly try, later, commissioner.
Right now Robin and I are off to nail Mad Hatter.
Mad Hatter? At a time like this who cares about that pipsqueak's inconsequential crimes? Any crime, no matter how large or small, Commissioner Gordon is a violation of a public right and common law and the criminal or criminals committing such an offense must be apprehended for the sake of all human morality.
- You'll hear from me shortly.
-Right.
To the Batpoles.
I guess the first order of business, Chief O'Hara is getting word to the presidential jet.
-Right.
NARRATOR".
But even while the world pulls out of its tailspin the Mad Hatter's violating public right and common law.
I told you, the perfect time for the perfect crime.
Even the Bergama Royal Guards aren't here.
Boy, that was quick, boss.
But not quick enough, Jervis.
I was down at the hat check stand, checking no hats, and guess what I heard.
- What? -Batman and Robin are alive.
How could you have heard that? I did, and it's spreading like wildfire, from the president at the airport to the satellite, to every country on earth.
Wouldn't you know.
I reach the peak of my career and now a petty annoyance like this.
While at the same time Batman and Robin are back in their familiar haunt.
Mad Hatter has to be someplace with that contaminated cowl.
Ergo Ergo, the small bug I tucked in the cowl has to be someplace too.
Is that a bleep? It sounded more like a splash to me, Robin.
Which fits.
My little gadget contained an Underwater Bat-sonar Device.
Holy mermaid.
Now let's see if we can pinpoint the exact location.
Aha.
A body of water at Spring and Lake Streets.
The old Lake Street reservoir.
Drained, filled, and turned into a housing project.
The Spring Street Aquarium? Ran out of fish.
We're not getting far.
But it's a lot better than being departed and defunct.
Defunct.
I think you may have hit it, old chum.
The defunct Green Derby Restaurant near the intersection of Spring and Lake Streets.
And if memory serves me correctly there's an old elevated water storage tank directly behind it.
Yes, commissioner? We've just learned a ruby was stolen out of the Golden Buddha on exhibit at the Gotham Art Center and replaced by the one taken out of Hattie Hatfield's headdress last night which incidentally was fake.
No doubt the Mad Hatter's involved.
But you don't know how relieved I am to tell you this, Batman.
Relieved? At the loss of a million-dollar ruby? No, no, no.
Relieved to know that you're back on the job.
Thank you, commissioner.
And we'll try to get that ruby back too.
Well, old chum out of the sarcophagus and back into the saddle.
Gentlemen, uh, would you care to check your cowls? We won't be staying that long, miss.
And business doesn't seem to be exactly thriving.
Well, we shut down immediately when we heard about Batman and Robin.
A thoughtful gesture.
But a lot of dust sure settled in a short time.
Well, it's this location.
With that, uh, water tower out back there, it's, uh What about that water tower? Well, it seems to attract a lot of dust.
Let's level, young lady.
Does it not also attract Mad Hatter and his equally mad henchmen? And are they not using this defunct restaurant as a hideout, with you as a pretty decoy? Where would you ever get an idea like that? From that cowl which Mad Hatter stole from me last night.
You're Batman? Holy hoodwink.
Or holy naïveté.
Take your choice.
Exactly, Robin.
And when they saw the Batmobile pull up outside did Mad Hatter and his slippery stooges head for that water tower whatever the nefarious reasons? Sure, they're climbing it right now.
That cowl, which Mad Hatter apparently forgot to decontaminate contains lethal radioactive elements.
He must get medical help at once.
Let's go, Robin.
- May I go with you? -Yes, you can lead the way.
Look, boss, Polly is leading Batman and Robin right here, straight to this water tower.
Oh, Jervis isn't gonna like this at all.
Or is he expecting you to play coy then innocent then frightened then lead us to him? You mean a trap, Batman.
I think we should make this climb with even more caution than usual.
Robin, stand back.
- They're coming up.
-So what? When they get to the top of the ladder I'll simply turn on my super-instant mesmerizing device in my hat, and-- Any other ideas, boss? Where's the rest of the gang? Hey, gang- Sic them.
Sic them.
Sic them.
Come on, boys! - Where's the Mad Hatter? -Up there.
Come down before you die of radioactivity.
At least I'll die with a fortune.
The ruby from the Golden Buddha of Bergama's forehead is in my pocket and I defy anybody to get it.
And we'll accept that challenge, begorra.
Gosh, Chief O'Hara, are we glad to see you.
Oh, that goes double for me, Boy Wonder.
That in Shamrocks.
We got your call from the Batmobile, Batman.
But the whole city has gone wild, celebrating your arising from the grave-- A waste of the citizens' time, energy and money, Chief O'Hara.
- Where's Commissioner Gordon? -He caught the girl at the bottom and he's taking her in to book her as an accessory.
Good.
Well, then you can take over here.
Yes, my pleasure.
Holy multitudes.
Well? Well? After you, old chum.
Now that the tumult and the shouting have died down and the captains and the kings have departed I have a question.
- Yes, Aunt Harriet? -How did you know without a shadow of a doubt that Batman and Robin were alive when the whole world thought they were dead? Yes, well, I, um Or you, Dick? You were equally emphatic.
Well, Aunt Harriet, you see, I, uh I know you don't want me to divulge the secret, sir but I think the time has come to tell Mrs.
Coop-- - No, no, Alfred.
-Yes, sir.
- To tell Mrs.
Cooper the truth.
-Alfred.
- It is I who told them, madam.
-You, Alfred? How did you know? Maudie, the cleaning woman at the atomic energy laboratory is my cousin Egbert's wife.
And Maudie's always been sadly given to, shall we say, heh, exaggeration.
But Professor Overbeck himself substantiated her story.
Just protecting a bewildered employee, madam.
So that's all it was.
An idle rumor that shook the world.
Well, perhaps it's just as well.
At least Batman and Robin, wherever they are-- Whoever they are beneath those masks.
--Must know with what esteem they are held in the hearts of all the people on this earth.