Batman (1966) s02e38 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
When we last saw the Dynamic Duo the fiendish Joker had tied them to an altar in the Gotham City Museum beneath a huge meteorite which will fall when its supporting cable is cut by a revolving thermite fuse.
How much time before they're crushed? Certainly less than when we left them.
Holy mashed potatoes.
- When the thermite burns through the cable-- -We still have one slim chance, Robin.
I've managed to loosen my hand slightly.
If I can just break out my Batarang, maybe I can divert that thermite.
Agh! There it is, Robin.
Now, we'll need patience.
I won't be able to make my throw until the thermite is directly overhead.
- But by then, it'll be almost at the cable.
-Yes, Robin.
I'll have just three seconds to aim and throw.
What the devil could have happened to Batman? Sure and we've been up all night waiting for him to call.
Commissioner, I'm getting worried.
You have a point, Chief O'Hara.
- We'll call Batman.
-All right.
For that, you'll need a medium.
I'm sorry to report that the Tenacious Twosome have been trapped, tied and terminated.
That's a lie.
Well, actually, I have the wrong tense.
They will be squashed in a matter of moments.
- You're raving! -Ah! Caution, commissioner.
No, I'm not raving, I'm raiding.
My next target, Libra, the Scales.
In here? No, out there.
That, sir, is a statue of Justice.
And carved of priceless Carrara marble.
Cash value, half a million.
Why, have you no scruples, you jesting jackanapes? Scruples? Ha-ha-ha! The cash value of scruples is 0.
No, I prefer Carrara marble.
As for Justice, she shall be served with a hook.
At the precise moment the Dynamic Duo become the Mashed Marauders.
- You demon! -Ah! Quick-frozen cops.
What a delightful dish.
Ha-ha-ha! Now to put the snatch on Justice.
Careful.
Oh, careful.
There's half a million in Carrara marble there.
Now, marble going up, meteorite going down.
And now But there's a chance the thermite will burn right through our bonds.
We would've been tomato paste.
Instead, Joker's going to be canned.
Away, away, away.
Ha-ha-ha! - What happened, commissioner? -Shock paralysis, chief.
Fortunately, it only lasts a few minutes.
Commissioner Gordon speaking.
Sound the alarm.
The Joker is escaping via the side entrance.
After them! They've stolen Justice! Get the police radio band, Robin.
Joker's probably been busy while we were tied to that altar.
Calling all cars, calling all cars.
The Joker has stolen Justice.
Tow truck carrying the lady believed heading for Juniper Street.
All cars in the vicinity proceed at once to Juniper Street.
Juniper Street it is.
Attention.
This is car number 72.
Have just spotted the tow truck in vicinity of Mulberry Lane.
Am pursuing.
How did that truck get to Mulberry Lane in two minutes? Joker probably has that truck souped-up.
We'd better head for Mulberry Lane.
Attention.
This is car number 41.
Have just seen tow truck at intersection of Dopple and Briar Streets.
Am pursuing.
Brace for Bat-turn.
Attention.
This is car number 98.
Have spotted tow truck traveling west on Finley Road.
Am pursuing.
Holy sonic booms, Batman.
That truck couldn't have gotten to Finley Road this fast.
Nor could it be traveling west since Finley Road runs north and south.
Switch on the police radio band cut-in.
Attention all squad cars.
Attention all squad cars.
This is Batman speaking.
Disregard all instructions broadcast on this wavelength.
Batman.
You're supposed to be dead.
Crushed by that meteorite.
Well, I'm not dead, Joker.
Neither is Robin.
We escaped that cunning trap of yours.
Incredible, impossible.
But a fact, Joker.
And justice will catch up with you.
Oh, you're wrong there, Batman.
I've stolen Justice.
And dead or alive, you're too late to stop the next theft of my criminal zodiac.
Scorpio.
You're right, Boy Prunehead.
At this moment, the brightest star in my criminal constellation is about to make off with Scorpio, the scorpion.
Ha-ha-ha! Be stinging you, Batman.
Brightest star? He must mean Venus.
We mustn't judge her too harshly, Robin.
Even with the best intentions, it's hard to change a lifetime of habit.
That gives me an idea.
Let's see that rare art map, Robin.
Ah.
There it is, the Joker's next target.
Of course, the famous Durand Golden Scorpion.
It's the same jewelry store that he robbed before.
Let's just hope we're in time to keep Venus from making another tragic error.
You.
- Yes, madam? -Brindle, Special Branch.
- About your recent robbery.
-Oh, yes, tragic, terrible.
May be another.
Understand you have a priceless antique jeweled scorpion, correct? Yes, uh, Ms.
, uh-- Officer-- Just call me Brindle.
- Let's see the scorpion.
-Yes, of course.
Uh-huh.
Just as I thought.
Fake.
I'm taking this down to headquarters.
And you had better have a good explanation.
But, Ms.
Brindle, did you say the scorpion is fake? Oh, no, the scorpion isn't fake.
I am.
Ha-ha-ha! Come back with my scorpion.
Hurry up, please.
- The scorpion, is it still here? -Dynamic Duo.
Where were you when I needed you? We're too late.
It was that girl again.
I'm ruined.
First the Twins, now the Scorpion.
You'll get them back just as soon as we catch up with Joker.
If anyone can do it, Dynamic Duo, you can.
Good luck.
- Venus? -Undoubtedly.
But the main question is, where will Joker strike next? - The next sign of the zodiac.
-Which is Sagittarius, the Archer.
There sure aren't any golden archers in Gotham City.
There may not be a golden archer, Robin, but there is a golden Bowman.
Basil Bowman, wealthy friend of millionaire Bruce Wayne.
No doubt the Joker intends to steal him.
Let's go.
Excuse me.
Is this the residence of the well-known millionaire Basil Bowman? -it is.
- And is he at home? -He is.
- And may we see him? -You do.
Oh, ha, ha! Delighted, Mr.
Bowman.
Ha-ha-ha.
- Well, what do you want? -You.
Wrap him up, boys.
Do you dare, knowing the Dynamic Duo will be dogging your trail? Those fleas? Fah! Ha-ha-ha.
Wrap him up, boys.
Ha-ha-ha.
- Batman and Robin.
-Batman.
Batman.
- Smash them, smash them! -Don't you dare! Thank you, Venus, but I believe we can handle this.
Oh, you do, Batman? One move and Venus is a dead dolly.
I think we can find a more favorable occasion for a showdown with the Caped Crusaders.
Don't let him get away, Batman.
It doesn't matter what he does to me.
Oh, Batman won't endanger a girl, now, will you, Batman? Tripped up by your own ethics.
Ha-ha-ha! He who trips last, trips hardest.
My final prediction for the day: I'm going to get clean away.
And you, traitress, will pay.
Venus, are you all right? Batman.
I spoiled everything.
The Joker got away and it's all my fault.
Don't worry, Venus, we will catch him eventually.
Could I help? Please? Are you being sincere, Venus? Very sincere.
I'm ashamed of all the crimes I've committed.
If you'd like to help me, you could help a great deal.
Oh.
Think of it.
Me, working with the Dynamic Duo.
If only I'd met you when I was younger.
A crooked path can often be straightened, Venus.
Oh, and mine will be straight.
And I'll start by helping you get back the Lion and the Crab.
- Leo Crustash, the opera singer.
-Yes.
Yes.
- Is this the place, Venus? - Yes.
You'd better wait outside, Venus.
There may be trouble.
Batman! Ow! Where's Crustash? Stop that sound.
My voice, the tension.
- You're all right, Mr.
Crustash? -Crustash is alive and kicking.
- Where have you been, Batman? -Searching for you.
Where is Joker? Who knows? Who cares? After spending a day in there listening to that Music to Drill Teeth By ugh, I gave him the ransom he demanded.
And he didn't even cut that thing off! What ransom? What ransom? One hundred thousand dollars, Batman.
If Joker's already gotten it, he might be off anywhere putting it to no good purpose.
Well, then call the bank and see if he cashed the check.
A check? What bank? Gotham National.
We still may have time, Robin.
- Let's go! -I think we're too late, Batman.
Joker cashed that ransom check two hours ago.
Now that you're caught, young woman, I hope you realize that crime doesn't pay.
I think Venus already realizes that, Chief O'Hara and she isn't exactly caught.
She has volunteered to help us track down Joker.
And she's taking a big risk too.
- Because if the Joker ever got a hold of her - You're right.
'Tis a fine thing you're doing, lass.
I can give you my assurance, young lady.
The authorities will take this into consideration at your trial.
I just wish I knew what Joker planned for his next crime.
There are only three signs of the zodiac left.
Capricorn, the Goat, Aquarius, the Water Bearer, and Pisces, the Fish.
Let's see, Capricorn is-- Wait a minute.
Isn't there a meeting of the International Society of Zoologists in Gotham City? Sure.
And they're using one of the park fountains to display their tropical fish.
Precisely, Robin.
Pisces, the Fish.
In particular, Palaremus Demnese of which there are only two living specimens left in the entire world.
Both being displayed in that park fountain.
- I think we'd better get right over there.
- Can I come along, Batman? I won't mind going to prison if I know I've helped put the Joker there too.
When you put it that way, my dear, we could hardly refuse.
What a magnificent geronimus, Dr.
Gorly.
Beautiful.
And that is the finest specimen of valperima I have ever seen.
- But look over there, Dr.
Gorly.
-Ugh.
How hideous.
What is it? A goldfish.
Ach.
Ah! But look over there.
The prize of the zoological world.
Palaremus Demnese.
Exquisite, exquisite.
- You must be Dr.
Gorly of the society.
-Yes.
A pleasure to see you, Batman.
A pity more of our citizens do not take an interest in science.
I'm afraid we're going to have to move your fish, especially the Palaremus Demnese.
Ah! You know about the Palaremus.
Unfortunately, so does a certain master criminal who's plotting to steal it.
Steal the Palaremus? That music.
The Joker.
Look out, Batman.
Holy red snapper, Batman.
They're throwing fish at us.
Into my net, you lovely little Palaremus.
Oh, ha-ha-ha! The fishnapping of the century.
Ha-ha-ha! Careful you don't get caught by a red herring, Batman.
Let us away.
To the Batmobile.
Be careful, Batman.
Don't worry, Venus.
Don't let them catch you from behind.
Good advice, desertress.
Keep your head down, Robin.
And keep your hands inside the car.
They're heading for the warehouse.
And so are we.
These bullets are getting too thick.
We'll have to take a detour.
Our two fish are about to rise to the bait.
Everybody, get out of sight.
- Something's fishy here, Batman.
- Ha! Beautiful, Boy Beanhead.
I couldn't have made a better pun myself.
Ha-ha-ha.
Look out, Robin.
Well, what species have we here? Oh! It looks like Dynamicus Duos, a rare breed of caped fish.
- How about a fish fry? -Ooh! I have an even better idea.
Let's feed our fish to the fish.
Ha-ha-ha! And don't forget, we have a little bird as well.
Batman, are you all right? Don't worry, my little pigeon.
You'll be joining your friends for dinner.
A three-course meal.
Yes.
Wasn't I right, Batman? A most appropriate place for a showdown.
You monster.
A monster perhaps, but a highly-successful monster.
With you and Robin out of my way and my zodiac crimes completed I'll have all of Gotham City under my control.
Oh, and I'm a tenderhearted monster too.
I couldn't possibly deprive that poor, hungry clam of its dinner.
That would be cruelty to animals, yes.
Ha-ha-ha.
Very touching.
Oh, Boy Wonder what a succulent hors d'oeuvre you should make.
Ha-ha-ha! Yes, and as for you, my ex-felonious friend, let this be a lesson to you once and for all that honesty does not pay.
Yeah.
Oh, what a hideous fate.
Don't lose hope, Venus.
A clam is only a bivalve mollusk.
Some mollusk.
Push yourself away, Robin.
I can't, Batman.
I'm pinned against the side.
Robin.
Robin! Batman, he'll be eaten alive! Batman, help! Help, Batman! Help!