Whose Line Is It Anyway? (1998) s02e38 Episode Script
Season 2, Episode 38
1 WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" ON TONIGHT'S SHOW -- "SHOW ME THE MONEY" WAYNE BRADY.
"ARE YOU TRYING TO SEDUCE ME?" DENNY SIEGEL.
"I'M AN EXCELLENT DRIVER" COLIN MOCHRIE.
AND "IT'S SHOWTIME" RYAN STILES! AND I'M YOUR HOST DREW CAREY.
COME ON DOWN.
LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.
AND I'M OH, HELLO.
DREW CAREY.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?", THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS MADE UP AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.
POINTS ARE LIKE THE BUFFET AT A STRIP CLUB.
WHO CARES ABOUT THE POINTS? IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE SHOW BEFORE, WHAT HAPPENS IS THESE FOUR OR FIVE PERFORMERS, THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE UP EVERYTHING YOU SEE.
I GIVE THEM POINTS.
IT'S JUST A GAG TO HOLD THE SHOW TOGETHER.
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
AT THE END OF THE SHOW, WE PICK A "WINNER.
" THE WINNER GETS TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL WHILE THE REST OF US DISTRACT THE CENSOR.
LET'S GET STARTED -- HA HA HA HA -- WITH A GAME CALLED, UH, "QUESTIONS ONLY.
" THIS IS FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU.
DENNY AND WAYNE, YOU'RE GOING TO START.
WHAT HAPPENS IS, THEY CAN ONLY SPEAK IN QUESTIONS.
IF THEY MESS UP, THE OTHER PERSON TAKES THEIR PLACE.
AND THE SCENE IS, YOU'RE IN THE PRODUCE SECTION OF A SUPERMARKET ON SINGLE'S NIGHT.
THE PRODUCE SECTION OF A SUPERMARKET -- I'VE ALWAYS HEARD ABOUT THAT, BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN IT.
A SUPERMARKET ON SINGLE'S NIGHT, "QUESTIONS ONLY.
" [ WHISTLES .]
COULD YOU SQUEEZE THIS? THOSE MELONS? DON'T YOU SEE THE MANGO IN MY HAND? DIDN'T YOU LIKE IT? CAN'T YOU TELL I'M ON A SECRET GIG HERE -- [ BUZZER .]
Wayne: [ MUMBLING .]
CAN YOU HELP ME? DO I LOOK LIKE I WORK HERE? DOES THE NAMETAG MEAN THAT YOU DO? CAN'T YOU READ ABOVE AND BELOW IT -- IT SAYS -- "LOSE WEIGHT NOW, ASK ME HOW"? YOU MIND IF I CHANGE THE SUBJECT? GO! [ BUZZER .]
CAN I GET A PRICE CHECK ON THE STUD IN AISLE FOUR? WOULD YOU LIKE PAPER OR PLASTIC? WHY NO CLOTHES? WHY SHOULD I? AREN'T YOU A LITTLE CHILLY? COMPARED TO WHAT? WOULD A POLAR BEAR TO -- BE -- TO -- [ BUZZER .]
THE EASIEST ONE.
HOW MANY WOMEN WALK OUT OF HERE ALONE ON A FRIDAY NIGHT? UH -- [ BUZZER .]
COME HERE OFTEN? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M A NEWCOMER? CAN YOU DO IT RIGHT HERE ON THE CELERY? [ BUZZER .]
Drew: STOP! STOP! STOP! THAT'S ENOUGH! THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MAN, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU TWO DO THAT SINCE, WHAT, LAST NIGHT? HA HA HA HA.
THAT BROUGHT BACK SOME MEMORIES, LET ME TELL YOU.
HA HA HA HA.
OKAY, LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "FILM, TV, AND THEATER STYLES.
" ONE OF MY FAVORITE GAMES.
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IS, RYAN, COLIN, AND WAYNE, YOU'RE GOING TO ACT OUT A SCENE, BUT I'M GOING TO MAKE THEM ADOPT DIFFERENT STYLES OF FILM, THEATER, AND TELEVISION.
WHAT I NEED FROM THE AUDIENCE IS WHAT I ASKED FOR -- DIFFERENT STYLES OF TV, FILM, THEATER.
Man: SCIENCE FICTION.
Man: SCIMan: PORNO!N.
PORNO.
IT'S LIKE, "B-7.
" "PORNO!"O.
Man: '70s HIPPIE FLICK.
'70s HIPPIE FLICK.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT WE'LL THEY DO, SO IT DOESN'T MATTER.
Boy: CARTOON! CARTOON.
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
WE GOT ENOUGH.
YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO START OUT AS NORMAL.
I'LL BRING IN THE STYLES AFTER YOU GET STARTED.
UHOH, IT'S ON THIS CARD THAT I WAS WRITING ON THE BACK OF.
RYAN -- HA HA HA HA! WOW, WHAT A WEEK I HAD.
RYAN AND WAYNE ARE TWO GUYS IN A SAUNA.
COLIN, A MOB HIT MAN, FINALLY CATCHES UP WITH THEM.
SO START AS NORMAL, AND I'LL BRING IN THE STYLES.
[ IMITATES STEAM HISSING .]
WHOO-HOO! I LIKE IT STEAMY.
OHH! THIS FEELS GREAT.
FINALLY, I CAUGHT UP TO YOU.
I'M A MOB HIT MAN.
THEY CALL ME JERRY THE EXPOSITION.
[ BUZZER .]
Drew: UH, SCIENCE FICTION.
WE HAVE TO GET AWAY.
DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! Both: [ IMITATING LIGHT SABERS .]
[ WHIRRING .]
[ BUZZER .]
Drew: UH, GAME SHOW.
DANGER IS THE CORRECT ANSWER FOR $50.
NOW YOU GET TO CHOOSE THE WAY YOU'D LIKE TO DIE -- PISTOL, STRANGULATION, POISON, OR SURPRISE.
[ IMITATES WHEEL SPINNING .]
COME ON, SURPRISE! COME ON, SURPRISE! COME ON, SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE! IT IS SURPRISE! [ BUZZER .]
'70s HIPPIE FLICK.
HEY, WAIT, MAN.
NO NEED TO KILL ANYONE JUST YE-E-ET.
WHEN YOU SPUN THE WHEEL, IT WAS LIKE THE SUN EMERGING FROM BEHIND THE CLOUDS AND A SPACE THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT.
DON'T LOOK AT ME! [ BUZZER .]
UH, CARTOON.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.
[ IMITATES CARTOON SOUND EFFECTS .]
[ IMITATES TIRES SCREECHING .]
[ Imitates Elmer Fudd .]
BE VERY, VERY QUIET.
[ BUZZER .]
Drew: UH, PORNO.
I-I-I CAN'T BE THAT QUIET.
THAT'S AN AWFULLY BIG GUN YOU HAVE.
OH, NO! WHAT'S THE SAUNA DOING TO IT? [ BUZZER .]
OKAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
1,000 POINTS TO THE MAN WHO REALLY KNOWS WHAT GOES ON IN A SAUNA -- COLIN MOCHRIE, AND MINUS 7 FOR RYAN.
HEY, IN GOLF, THAT'S GOOD.
LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "SCENES FROM A HAT.
" THIS IS FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU.
BEFORE THE SHOW, WE ASKED THE AUDIENCE TO WRITE DOWN THINGS, SUGGESTIONS FOR SCENES, TO BE ACTED OUT.
WE TAKE THE GOOD ONES.
I'M GOING TO READ THEM OUT AND SEE HOW MANY THE PERFORMERS CAN ACT OUT, STARTING WITH "SONGS THAT KILL THE ROMANCE.
" OOH, BABY AFTER WE MAKE LOVE -- [ SNORES .]
[ BUZZER .]
HA HA HA HA HA.
MY GOD, YOUR THIGHS ARE BIG [ BUZZER .]
I'VE GOT A CIGAR [ BUZZER .]
ALL RIGHT OH, SPEAKING OF UH, "THINGS NOT TO BRING INTO THE BATHTUB.
" HONEY, THIS IS MY GRANDMOTHER.
[ BUZZER .]
OH, A NICE BATH AND SOME TOAST.
[ BUZZER .]
"CONFUSING BATTLE CRIES.
" WE'LL HURT YOU.
[ BUZZER .]
DON'T SHOOT TILL YOU SEE THE WHITES! [ BUZZER .]
GIVE ME LIBERTY OR A BRAN MUFFIN! [ BUZZER .]
DEATH BY BROWN PANTS! [ BUZZER .]
IT'S CONFUSING.
EVERY LAST ONE OF US WILL DEFEND THE ALAMO, CORRECT? WHAT THE HELL? [ BUZZER .]
ALL RIGHTY, "ALBUMS DOOMED TO BE FLOPS.
" "OOH, JAR JAR BINKS SING THE BLUES.
" UH, "LEAST LIKELY TO WIN THE 2000 PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
" OOH, JAR JAR BINKS RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
OOH! [ BUZZER .]
I TASTE LIKE BUTTER, BUT I'M NOT.
[ BUZZER .]
OKAY, OKAY.
UH THE -- HA HA HA HA.
AND WHERE THE HELL ARE MY BROWN PANTS? I ASKED FOR THEM FIVE MINUTES -- HA HA HA HA.
"THE STUPIDITY AWARD SHOW.
" "THE STUPIDITY AWARD SHOW.
" STUPIDITY.
I'D LIKE TO ACCEPT THIS AWARD ON BEHALF OF THE WHOLE CAST OF "BEVERLY HILLS 90210.
" [ BUZZER .]
I CANNOT ACCEPT THIS AWARD TILL THE WALL THAT DIVIDES GERMANY COMES DOWN.
[ BUZZER .]
"INOPPORTUNE TIMES TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY.
" HA HA.
NO, DR.
GLICKMAN, YOU'RE A GOOD GYNECOLOGIST.
HA HA HA HA HA! OH, HA HA HA! I'M SORRY, I DO.
[ BUZZER .]
WE'RE GOING TO GO SEE A COMMERCIAL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" HEY, WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?", THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS MADE UP AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER, RIGHT HERE ON ABC, OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT -- THE DREW CAREY CHANNEL.
NOW LET'S GO TO A GAME CALLED "OLD JOB, NEW JOB.
" THIS IS FOR COLIN, DENNY, AND RYAN.
COLIN AND DENNY, START MAKING UP A SCENE.
RYAN'S GOING TO ENTER LATER BUT CAN'T HIDE THE FACT THAT HE USED TO HAVE A DIFFERENT JOB.
COLIN AND DENNY, YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED, AND RYAN IS THE MINISTER, BUT HE USED TO BE A NEW YORK COP.
SO WHENEVER YOU'RE READY START THE SCENE.
NERVOUS? I'M HAPPY.
ARE YOU NERVOUS? YOU'RE SWEATING LIKE A PIG.
LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
I'VE JUST NEVER BEEN MARRIED BEFORE.
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU SO SWEATY.
WELL, GET USED TO IT.
FREEZE! I JUST WANT TO REMEMBER THIS MOMENT.
YOU LOOK SO MUCH IN LOVE.
ARE YOU READY TO PROCEED? YES.
UP AGAINST THE WALL.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE MARRIED.
SHOULD YOU GIVE UP YOUR RIGHT TO BE MARRIED, SHOULD ANYONE OBJECT NOW, THE MARRIAGE WILL BE ANNULLED.
OH, NO ONE WILL OBJECT.
WE'RE VERY, VERY MUCH IN LOVE.
AM I TALKING TO YOU? HEY, HEY, HEY.
THAT'S MY FUTURE BRIDE.
YOUR FUTURE BRIDE? WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF JULY 25th? YEAH, WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF JULY 25th? THAT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.
HE NEVER SHOWED UP.
DO YOU TAKE HER TO BE YOUR WIFE OR DON'T YOU? WELL, YES.
DO YOU TAKE HIM TO BE YOUR HUSBAND? YOU SWEATY FOOL, I DO.
OH, WELL, YOU MAY NOW FRISK THE BRIDE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO OVER TO THE TABLE, HAVE SOME DOUGHNUTS.
[ BUZZER .]
I'D, UH, I'D GIVE YOU POINTS FOR ALL THAT, BUT I-I GAVE ALL MY POINTS TO SOME GIRL I MET IN A BAR LAST NIGHT.
OHH.
LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "GREATEST HITS.
" THIS IS FOR COLIN, RYAN, AND WAYNE, WITH LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR.
LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR.
COLIN AND RYAN ARE GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT THE LATEST COMPILATION ALBUM, AND THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE UP NAMES OF SONGS TO TRY TO TRIP UP WAYNE, WHO'S GOING TO TRY TO SINGS THE SONGS.
WHAT WE NEED IS THE SUGGESTION OF SOMETHING YOU'D LOOK FOR IN THE YELLOW PAGES.
Man: PRIVATE EYE.
PRIVATE EYE.
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
PRIVATE EYE.
GOOD FOR YOU.
LET'S HEAR, WHENEVER YOU'RE READY, "SONGS OF THE PRIVATE EYE.
" WE'LL BE BACK TO OUR NATURE DOCUMENTARY "HOOD: THE CIRCUMCISED COBRA" IN JUST A SECOND.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THERE'S JOBS THAT THE POLICE CAN'T DO.
THAT'S WHERE PRIVATE EYES COME IN HANDY.
THAT'S SO TRUE, RYAN.
THEY CAN BE VERY USEFUL.
FOR INSTANCE, COLIN, DO YOU SLEEP IN BOXER SHORTS? OH, I'LL NEVER TELL.
HA HA.
OH, THERE'S MANY SONGS ABOUT THE PRIVATE EYE, AND WE'VE PUT TOGETHER 365 OF THEM ON ONE CD.
YOU KNOW, SO MANY ARTISTS WERE CLAMORING TO PLAY ON THIS CD.
WELL, USUALLY THE ONES THAT WERE BANKRUPT.
AND THAT'S WHY WE'VE COME UP WITH M.
C.
HAMMER'S NEWEST PRIVATE EYE Audience: OOH! SONG -- HA HA -- ENTITLED "JUST DO DUSTIN'.
" [ MUSIC PLAYING .]
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? TELL THEM, HAMMER DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? NOW THEY HIRE ME AS PRIVATE EYE HERE'S A LITTLE FACT THAT YOU CAN'T DENY I GOT TO GET IN, GOT TO GET INTO THE HOUSE GOT TO DO THE INSPECTION EVERY SINGLE MOUSE A MOUSE, A DOG, A CAT, TAKE THE PRINTS DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT I THINK? BECAUSE IT'S YOUR BUTT I'LL BE BUSTIN' I TAKE THE POWDER, THEN I START DUSTIN' TOO BANKRUPT, NO TOO BANKRUPT FOR THIS JOB HEY, I'M TOO BANKRUPT, WHOO TOO BANKRUPT FOR THIS JOB, OHH GOTTA DUST GOTTA DUST GOTTA DUST UHH IT'S HAMMER TIME! IT IS.
ONE OF THOSE SONGS YOU THINK'S NEVER GOING TO END.
YOU KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF HIP ARTISTS ON THIS CD, LIKE HAMMER, BUT I PREFER THE OLDIES.
DO YOU? YES, I DO, LIKE THAT 1950s BLUES HIT "SOMEONE CUT MY NOSE.
" [ BLUES MUSIC PLAYING .]
NOW, NOW, NOW, LORD I SURE TOOK A BEATIN' WHEN MY WIFE FOUND OUT THAT I -- THAT I BEEN CHEATIN' SHE HIRED A GUY THAT WAS REALLY TOUGH HE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE AND HE BEAT ME UP OH, LIVING WITH THAT WOMAN SURE HAS BEEN HELL SOMEONE CHOPPED OFF MY NOSE I LOST MY SENSE OF SMELL IS THAT AN ORANGE? I DON'T KNOW IS THAT A PIE? LORD, I DON'T KNOW OH I'M SAD, I SUPPOSE 'CAUSE SOME LOUSY PERSON CH-CH-CHOPPED OFF M-MY NOSE OH, I'M A RECLUSE JUST LIKE A HOBBIT SHE CHOPPED OFF MY NOSE LIKE JOHN BOBBITT OH, BOY! OZZIE AND HARRIET COULDN'T BE PROUDER.
NO.
WE HAVE ALL KINDS OF GREAT CELEBRITIES, LIKE THIS GREAT HIT FROM RICKY MARTIN -- "OPENING THE DOOR THAT'S LOCKTA.
" [ LATIN POP MUSIC PLAYING .]
OH, YOU SEE, OH, IT'S JUST MY LUCK I'M TRYING TO SEE THE CLIENT BOY, OY, THE DOOR'S STUCK WHAT CAN I DO? OH, WHAT CAN I SAY? I'M STUCK OUTSIDE AND IT'S MUY CALIENTE OH, COME ON, COME ON OH, IT'S MY LUCKA I TRIED TO TURN AND TURN BUT THE DOOR IS STUCKA THE DOOR IS STUCK, OLé, OLé THE DOOR IS STUCK, OLé, OLé THE DOOR IS STUCK, OLé I'M TRYING TO OPEN, NO, NO I CAN'T FIND THE KEY, OH, NO, NO, NO NO, THE KEY, NAY, NAY, NAY, NAY DOOR IS STUCK, OLé, OLé, OLé I CAN'T GET IN THAT DOOR GRACIAS! GRACIAS! [ BUZZER .]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" THE WINNER TONIGHT -- DENNY SIEGEL.
DENNY SIEGEL.
THAT'S RIGHT, I GOT A POCKETFUL OF CASH, AND DENNY SIEGEL'S A WINNER.
AND THE REST OF US, BECAUSE THEY LOST, HAVE TO DO A HOEDOWN WITH ME, WITH THE HELP OF LAURA HALL.
NOW, FOR THE TOPIC OF THE HOEDOWN, I NEED A SUGGESTION FOR A GROUP OF PEOPLE YOU HATE.
GAME SHOW HOSTS? GAME SHOW HOSTS IT IS.
"THE GAME SHOW HOST HOEDOWN," LAURA HALL.
GO AHEAD, LAURA.
I WATCH GAME SHOWS I WATCH THEM ALL DAY LONG I WATCH ALL OF THEM AND THEY HAVE REAL GREAT THEME SONGS BUT THERE IS SOMETHING I UNDERSTAND WITH MY WIFE IF THEY HAD A GAME SHOW IN SOUTH CENTRAL L.
A.
IT'D BE CALLED "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE" YOU'RE NEXT, MAN.
I HATE TO TELL THE STORY BECAUSE MYSELF IT MIGHT EMBARRASS BUT THE OTHER NIGHT I WENT OUT WITH THE DAUGHTER OF CHUCK BARRIS WHEN WE WENT TO MAKE LOVE SHE DID SOMETHING THAT'S WRONG I TOOK OFF MY PANTS AND SHE GAVE ME THE GONG I AM A GAME SHOW HOST MY LIFE'S A GAME, YOU SEE I FILL IT ALL WITH DANGER I'M IN JEOPARDY IT REALLY IS QUITE WONDERFUL I DO IT WITH ALL MY MIGHT I HANG OUT WITH PROSTITUTES BECAUSE THE PRICE IS RIGHT I'M ON A GAME SHOW, COMPETING AGAINST A GIRL WHEN I LOOK AT HER, IT SENDS MY HEART IN A WHIRL TO BEAT HER AT THIS GAME, IT WOULD BE SO HEINOUS I ANSWERED TO THIS QUESTION, "IT MUST BE --" [ IMITATES BUZZER .]
[ IMITATING BUZZER .]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO END THE SHOW WITH DENNY AND COLIN READING THE CREDITS.
I WANT YOU TO READ THE CREDITS AS TWO PARENTS WHO'VE HAD IT WITH THEIR KIDS.
THANKS FOR WATCHING.
DAN PATTERSON, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU, NO HOLDOUTS? RYAN STILES, I'M GOING TO TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW! AND, BRUCE GOWERS, THAT'S IT! NO, TOM PARK, THAT'S IT! PUT THAT BACK! RUTH PHILLIPS, DON'T BE WRITING DOWN YOUR SUGGESTIONS! COLIN MOCHRIE, I'M GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU! OH, STEVEN BLUM, I'M WARNING YOU! YOU'RE GOING RIGHT TO YOUR ROOM! DO YOU WANT YOUR HOEDOWN? DELIA FRANKEL, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO EAT YOUR VEGETABLES, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET ANY DESSERT! -- Captions by VITAC -- CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY ABC, INC.
AND WARNER BROS.
INC.
"ARE YOU TRYING TO SEDUCE ME?" DENNY SIEGEL.
"I'M AN EXCELLENT DRIVER" COLIN MOCHRIE.
AND "IT'S SHOWTIME" RYAN STILES! AND I'M YOUR HOST DREW CAREY.
COME ON DOWN.
LET'S HAVE SOME FUN.
AND I'M OH, HELLO.
DREW CAREY.
THAT'S ENOUGH.
WELCOME TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?", THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS MADE UP AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER.
POINTS ARE LIKE THE BUFFET AT A STRIP CLUB.
WHO CARES ABOUT THE POINTS? IF YOU'VE NEVER SEEN THE SHOW BEFORE, WHAT HAPPENS IS THESE FOUR OR FIVE PERFORMERS, THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE UP EVERYTHING YOU SEE.
I GIVE THEM POINTS.
IT'S JUST A GAG TO HOLD THE SHOW TOGETHER.
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING.
AT THE END OF THE SHOW, WE PICK A "WINNER.
" THE WINNER GETS TO DO SOMETHING SPECIAL WHILE THE REST OF US DISTRACT THE CENSOR.
LET'S GET STARTED -- HA HA HA HA -- WITH A GAME CALLED, UH, "QUESTIONS ONLY.
" THIS IS FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU.
DENNY AND WAYNE, YOU'RE GOING TO START.
WHAT HAPPENS IS, THEY CAN ONLY SPEAK IN QUESTIONS.
IF THEY MESS UP, THE OTHER PERSON TAKES THEIR PLACE.
AND THE SCENE IS, YOU'RE IN THE PRODUCE SECTION OF A SUPERMARKET ON SINGLE'S NIGHT.
THE PRODUCE SECTION OF A SUPERMARKET -- I'VE ALWAYS HEARD ABOUT THAT, BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN IT.
A SUPERMARKET ON SINGLE'S NIGHT, "QUESTIONS ONLY.
" [ WHISTLES .]
COULD YOU SQUEEZE THIS? THOSE MELONS? DON'T YOU SEE THE MANGO IN MY HAND? DIDN'T YOU LIKE IT? CAN'T YOU TELL I'M ON A SECRET GIG HERE -- [ BUZZER .]
Wayne: [ MUMBLING .]
CAN YOU HELP ME? DO I LOOK LIKE I WORK HERE? DOES THE NAMETAG MEAN THAT YOU DO? CAN'T YOU READ ABOVE AND BELOW IT -- IT SAYS -- "LOSE WEIGHT NOW, ASK ME HOW"? YOU MIND IF I CHANGE THE SUBJECT? GO! [ BUZZER .]
CAN I GET A PRICE CHECK ON THE STUD IN AISLE FOUR? WOULD YOU LIKE PAPER OR PLASTIC? WHY NO CLOTHES? WHY SHOULD I? AREN'T YOU A LITTLE CHILLY? COMPARED TO WHAT? WOULD A POLAR BEAR TO -- BE -- TO -- [ BUZZER .]
THE EASIEST ONE.
HOW MANY WOMEN WALK OUT OF HERE ALONE ON A FRIDAY NIGHT? UH -- [ BUZZER .]
COME HERE OFTEN? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M A NEWCOMER? CAN YOU DO IT RIGHT HERE ON THE CELERY? [ BUZZER .]
Drew: STOP! STOP! STOP! THAT'S ENOUGH! THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MAN, I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU TWO DO THAT SINCE, WHAT, LAST NIGHT? HA HA HA HA.
THAT BROUGHT BACK SOME MEMORIES, LET ME TELL YOU.
HA HA HA HA.
OKAY, LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "FILM, TV, AND THEATER STYLES.
" ONE OF MY FAVORITE GAMES.
WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN IS, RYAN, COLIN, AND WAYNE, YOU'RE GOING TO ACT OUT A SCENE, BUT I'M GOING TO MAKE THEM ADOPT DIFFERENT STYLES OF FILM, THEATER, AND TELEVISION.
WHAT I NEED FROM THE AUDIENCE IS WHAT I ASKED FOR -- DIFFERENT STYLES OF TV, FILM, THEATER.
Man: SCIENCE FICTION.
Man: SCIMan: PORNO!N.
PORNO.
IT'S LIKE, "B-7.
" "PORNO!"O.
Man: '70s HIPPIE FLICK.
'70s HIPPIE FLICK.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT WE'LL THEY DO, SO IT DOESN'T MATTER.
Boy: CARTOON! CARTOON.
OKAY, THAT'S IT.
WE GOT ENOUGH.
YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO START OUT AS NORMAL.
I'LL BRING IN THE STYLES AFTER YOU GET STARTED.
UHOH, IT'S ON THIS CARD THAT I WAS WRITING ON THE BACK OF.
RYAN -- HA HA HA HA! WOW, WHAT A WEEK I HAD.
RYAN AND WAYNE ARE TWO GUYS IN A SAUNA.
COLIN, A MOB HIT MAN, FINALLY CATCHES UP WITH THEM.
SO START AS NORMAL, AND I'LL BRING IN THE STYLES.
[ IMITATES STEAM HISSING .]
WHOO-HOO! I LIKE IT STEAMY.
OHH! THIS FEELS GREAT.
FINALLY, I CAUGHT UP TO YOU.
I'M A MOB HIT MAN.
THEY CALL ME JERRY THE EXPOSITION.
[ BUZZER .]
Drew: UH, SCIENCE FICTION.
WE HAVE TO GET AWAY.
DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! Both: [ IMITATING LIGHT SABERS .]
[ WHIRRING .]
[ BUZZER .]
Drew: UH, GAME SHOW.
DANGER IS THE CORRECT ANSWER FOR $50.
NOW YOU GET TO CHOOSE THE WAY YOU'D LIKE TO DIE -- PISTOL, STRANGULATION, POISON, OR SURPRISE.
[ IMITATES WHEEL SPINNING .]
COME ON, SURPRISE! COME ON, SURPRISE! COME ON, SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE! SURPRISE! IT IS SURPRISE! [ BUZZER .]
'70s HIPPIE FLICK.
HEY, WAIT, MAN.
NO NEED TO KILL ANYONE JUST YE-E-ET.
WHEN YOU SPUN THE WHEEL, IT WAS LIKE THE SUN EMERGING FROM BEHIND THE CLOUDS AND A SPACE THAT I DON'T EVEN KNOW ABOUT.
DON'T LOOK AT ME! [ BUZZER .]
UH, CARTOON.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.
[ IMITATES CARTOON SOUND EFFECTS .]
[ IMITATES TIRES SCREECHING .]
[ Imitates Elmer Fudd .]
BE VERY, VERY QUIET.
[ BUZZER .]
Drew: UH, PORNO.
I-I-I CAN'T BE THAT QUIET.
THAT'S AN AWFULLY BIG GUN YOU HAVE.
OH, NO! WHAT'S THE SAUNA DOING TO IT? [ BUZZER .]
OKAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
1,000 POINTS TO THE MAN WHO REALLY KNOWS WHAT GOES ON IN A SAUNA -- COLIN MOCHRIE, AND MINUS 7 FOR RYAN.
HEY, IN GOLF, THAT'S GOOD.
LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "SCENES FROM A HAT.
" THIS IS FOR ALL FOUR OF YOU.
BEFORE THE SHOW, WE ASKED THE AUDIENCE TO WRITE DOWN THINGS, SUGGESTIONS FOR SCENES, TO BE ACTED OUT.
WE TAKE THE GOOD ONES.
I'M GOING TO READ THEM OUT AND SEE HOW MANY THE PERFORMERS CAN ACT OUT, STARTING WITH "SONGS THAT KILL THE ROMANCE.
" OOH, BABY AFTER WE MAKE LOVE -- [ SNORES .]
[ BUZZER .]
HA HA HA HA HA.
MY GOD, YOUR THIGHS ARE BIG [ BUZZER .]
I'VE GOT A CIGAR [ BUZZER .]
ALL RIGHT OH, SPEAKING OF UH, "THINGS NOT TO BRING INTO THE BATHTUB.
" HONEY, THIS IS MY GRANDMOTHER.
[ BUZZER .]
OH, A NICE BATH AND SOME TOAST.
[ BUZZER .]
"CONFUSING BATTLE CRIES.
" WE'LL HURT YOU.
[ BUZZER .]
DON'T SHOOT TILL YOU SEE THE WHITES! [ BUZZER .]
GIVE ME LIBERTY OR A BRAN MUFFIN! [ BUZZER .]
DEATH BY BROWN PANTS! [ BUZZER .]
IT'S CONFUSING.
EVERY LAST ONE OF US WILL DEFEND THE ALAMO, CORRECT? WHAT THE HELL? [ BUZZER .]
ALL RIGHTY, "ALBUMS DOOMED TO BE FLOPS.
" "OOH, JAR JAR BINKS SING THE BLUES.
" UH, "LEAST LIKELY TO WIN THE 2000 PRESIDENTIAL RACE.
" OOH, JAR JAR BINKS RUN FOR PRESIDENT.
OOH! [ BUZZER .]
I TASTE LIKE BUTTER, BUT I'M NOT.
[ BUZZER .]
OKAY, OKAY.
UH THE -- HA HA HA HA.
AND WHERE THE HELL ARE MY BROWN PANTS? I ASKED FOR THEM FIVE MINUTES -- HA HA HA HA.
"THE STUPIDITY AWARD SHOW.
" "THE STUPIDITY AWARD SHOW.
" STUPIDITY.
I'D LIKE TO ACCEPT THIS AWARD ON BEHALF OF THE WHOLE CAST OF "BEVERLY HILLS 90210.
" [ BUZZER .]
I CANNOT ACCEPT THIS AWARD TILL THE WALL THAT DIVIDES GERMANY COMES DOWN.
[ BUZZER .]
"INOPPORTUNE TIMES TO LAUGH HYSTERICALLY.
" HA HA.
NO, DR.
GLICKMAN, YOU'RE A GOOD GYNECOLOGIST.
HA HA HA HA HA! OH, HA HA HA! I'M SORRY, I DO.
[ BUZZER .]
WE'RE GOING TO GO SEE A COMMERCIAL.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" HEY, WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?", THE SHOW WHERE EVERYTHING IS MADE UP AND THE POINTS DON'T MATTER, RIGHT HERE ON ABC, OR AS I LIKE TO CALL IT -- THE DREW CAREY CHANNEL.
NOW LET'S GO TO A GAME CALLED "OLD JOB, NEW JOB.
" THIS IS FOR COLIN, DENNY, AND RYAN.
COLIN AND DENNY, START MAKING UP A SCENE.
RYAN'S GOING TO ENTER LATER BUT CAN'T HIDE THE FACT THAT HE USED TO HAVE A DIFFERENT JOB.
COLIN AND DENNY, YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED, AND RYAN IS THE MINISTER, BUT HE USED TO BE A NEW YORK COP.
SO WHENEVER YOU'RE READY START THE SCENE.
NERVOUS? I'M HAPPY.
ARE YOU NERVOUS? YOU'RE SWEATING LIKE A PIG.
LET'S CHANGE THE SUBJECT.
I'VE JUST NEVER BEEN MARRIED BEFORE.
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU SO SWEATY.
WELL, GET USED TO IT.
FREEZE! I JUST WANT TO REMEMBER THIS MOMENT.
YOU LOOK SO MUCH IN LOVE.
ARE YOU READY TO PROCEED? YES.
UP AGAINST THE WALL.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE MARRIED.
SHOULD YOU GIVE UP YOUR RIGHT TO BE MARRIED, SHOULD ANYONE OBJECT NOW, THE MARRIAGE WILL BE ANNULLED.
OH, NO ONE WILL OBJECT.
WE'RE VERY, VERY MUCH IN LOVE.
AM I TALKING TO YOU? HEY, HEY, HEY.
THAT'S MY FUTURE BRIDE.
YOUR FUTURE BRIDE? WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF JULY 25th? YEAH, WHERE WERE YOU ON THE NIGHT OF JULY 25th? THAT WAS MY BIRTHDAY.
HE NEVER SHOWED UP.
DO YOU TAKE HER TO BE YOUR WIFE OR DON'T YOU? WELL, YES.
DO YOU TAKE HIM TO BE YOUR HUSBAND? YOU SWEATY FOOL, I DO.
OH, WELL, YOU MAY NOW FRISK THE BRIDE.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO OVER TO THE TABLE, HAVE SOME DOUGHNUTS.
[ BUZZER .]
I'D, UH, I'D GIVE YOU POINTS FOR ALL THAT, BUT I-I GAVE ALL MY POINTS TO SOME GIRL I MET IN A BAR LAST NIGHT.
OHH.
LET'S GO ON TO A GAME CALLED "GREATEST HITS.
" THIS IS FOR COLIN, RYAN, AND WAYNE, WITH LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR.
LAURA HALL AND LINDA TAYLOR.
COLIN AND RYAN ARE GOING TO BE TALKING ABOUT THE LATEST COMPILATION ALBUM, AND THEY'RE GOING TO MAKE UP NAMES OF SONGS TO TRY TO TRIP UP WAYNE, WHO'S GOING TO TRY TO SINGS THE SONGS.
WHAT WE NEED IS THE SUGGESTION OF SOMETHING YOU'D LOOK FOR IN THE YELLOW PAGES.
Man: PRIVATE EYE.
PRIVATE EYE.
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
PRIVATE EYE.
GOOD FOR YOU.
LET'S HEAR, WHENEVER YOU'RE READY, "SONGS OF THE PRIVATE EYE.
" WE'LL BE BACK TO OUR NATURE DOCUMENTARY "HOOD: THE CIRCUMCISED COBRA" IN JUST A SECOND.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THERE'S JOBS THAT THE POLICE CAN'T DO.
THAT'S WHERE PRIVATE EYES COME IN HANDY.
THAT'S SO TRUE, RYAN.
THEY CAN BE VERY USEFUL.
FOR INSTANCE, COLIN, DO YOU SLEEP IN BOXER SHORTS? OH, I'LL NEVER TELL.
HA HA.
OH, THERE'S MANY SONGS ABOUT THE PRIVATE EYE, AND WE'VE PUT TOGETHER 365 OF THEM ON ONE CD.
YOU KNOW, SO MANY ARTISTS WERE CLAMORING TO PLAY ON THIS CD.
WELL, USUALLY THE ONES THAT WERE BANKRUPT.
AND THAT'S WHY WE'VE COME UP WITH M.
C.
HAMMER'S NEWEST PRIVATE EYE Audience: OOH! SONG -- HA HA -- ENTITLED "JUST DO DUSTIN'.
" [ MUSIC PLAYING .]
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? TELL THEM, HAMMER DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND? NOW THEY HIRE ME AS PRIVATE EYE HERE'S A LITTLE FACT THAT YOU CAN'T DENY I GOT TO GET IN, GOT TO GET INTO THE HOUSE GOT TO DO THE INSPECTION EVERY SINGLE MOUSE A MOUSE, A DOG, A CAT, TAKE THE PRINTS DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT I THINK? BECAUSE IT'S YOUR BUTT I'LL BE BUSTIN' I TAKE THE POWDER, THEN I START DUSTIN' TOO BANKRUPT, NO TOO BANKRUPT FOR THIS JOB HEY, I'M TOO BANKRUPT, WHOO TOO BANKRUPT FOR THIS JOB, OHH GOTTA DUST GOTTA DUST GOTTA DUST UHH IT'S HAMMER TIME! IT IS.
ONE OF THOSE SONGS YOU THINK'S NEVER GOING TO END.
YOU KNOW THERE'S A LOT OF HIP ARTISTS ON THIS CD, LIKE HAMMER, BUT I PREFER THE OLDIES.
DO YOU? YES, I DO, LIKE THAT 1950s BLUES HIT "SOMEONE CUT MY NOSE.
" [ BLUES MUSIC PLAYING .]
NOW, NOW, NOW, LORD I SURE TOOK A BEATIN' WHEN MY WIFE FOUND OUT THAT I -- THAT I BEEN CHEATIN' SHE HIRED A GUY THAT WAS REALLY TOUGH HE BROKE INTO MY HOUSE AND HE BEAT ME UP OH, LIVING WITH THAT WOMAN SURE HAS BEEN HELL SOMEONE CHOPPED OFF MY NOSE I LOST MY SENSE OF SMELL IS THAT AN ORANGE? I DON'T KNOW IS THAT A PIE? LORD, I DON'T KNOW OH I'M SAD, I SUPPOSE 'CAUSE SOME LOUSY PERSON CH-CH-CHOPPED OFF M-MY NOSE OH, I'M A RECLUSE JUST LIKE A HOBBIT SHE CHOPPED OFF MY NOSE LIKE JOHN BOBBITT OH, BOY! OZZIE AND HARRIET COULDN'T BE PROUDER.
NO.
WE HAVE ALL KINDS OF GREAT CELEBRITIES, LIKE THIS GREAT HIT FROM RICKY MARTIN -- "OPENING THE DOOR THAT'S LOCKTA.
" [ LATIN POP MUSIC PLAYING .]
OH, YOU SEE, OH, IT'S JUST MY LUCK I'M TRYING TO SEE THE CLIENT BOY, OY, THE DOOR'S STUCK WHAT CAN I DO? OH, WHAT CAN I SAY? I'M STUCK OUTSIDE AND IT'S MUY CALIENTE OH, COME ON, COME ON OH, IT'S MY LUCKA I TRIED TO TURN AND TURN BUT THE DOOR IS STUCKA THE DOOR IS STUCK, OLé, OLé THE DOOR IS STUCK, OLé, OLé THE DOOR IS STUCK, OLé I'M TRYING TO OPEN, NO, NO I CAN'T FIND THE KEY, OH, NO, NO, NO NO, THE KEY, NAY, NAY, NAY, NAY DOOR IS STUCK, OLé, OLé, OLé I CAN'T GET IN THAT DOOR GRACIAS! GRACIAS! [ BUZZER .]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" THE WINNER TONIGHT -- DENNY SIEGEL.
DENNY SIEGEL.
THAT'S RIGHT, I GOT A POCKETFUL OF CASH, AND DENNY SIEGEL'S A WINNER.
AND THE REST OF US, BECAUSE THEY LOST, HAVE TO DO A HOEDOWN WITH ME, WITH THE HELP OF LAURA HALL.
NOW, FOR THE TOPIC OF THE HOEDOWN, I NEED A SUGGESTION FOR A GROUP OF PEOPLE YOU HATE.
GAME SHOW HOSTS? GAME SHOW HOSTS IT IS.
"THE GAME SHOW HOST HOEDOWN," LAURA HALL.
GO AHEAD, LAURA.
I WATCH GAME SHOWS I WATCH THEM ALL DAY LONG I WATCH ALL OF THEM AND THEY HAVE REAL GREAT THEME SONGS BUT THERE IS SOMETHING I UNDERSTAND WITH MY WIFE IF THEY HAD A GAME SHOW IN SOUTH CENTRAL L.
A.
IT'D BE CALLED "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE" YOU'RE NEXT, MAN.
I HATE TO TELL THE STORY BECAUSE MYSELF IT MIGHT EMBARRASS BUT THE OTHER NIGHT I WENT OUT WITH THE DAUGHTER OF CHUCK BARRIS WHEN WE WENT TO MAKE LOVE SHE DID SOMETHING THAT'S WRONG I TOOK OFF MY PANTS AND SHE GAVE ME THE GONG I AM A GAME SHOW HOST MY LIFE'S A GAME, YOU SEE I FILL IT ALL WITH DANGER I'M IN JEOPARDY IT REALLY IS QUITE WONDERFUL I DO IT WITH ALL MY MIGHT I HANG OUT WITH PROSTITUTES BECAUSE THE PRICE IS RIGHT I'M ON A GAME SHOW, COMPETING AGAINST A GIRL WHEN I LOOK AT HER, IT SENDS MY HEART IN A WHIRL TO BEAT HER AT THIS GAME, IT WOULD BE SO HEINOUS I ANSWERED TO THIS QUESTION, "IT MUST BE --" [ IMITATES BUZZER .]
[ IMITATING BUZZER .]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" WELCOME BACK TO "WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY?" TONIGHT WE'RE GOING TO END THE SHOW WITH DENNY AND COLIN READING THE CREDITS.
I WANT YOU TO READ THE CREDITS AS TWO PARENTS WHO'VE HAD IT WITH THEIR KIDS.
THANKS FOR WATCHING.
DAN PATTERSON, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU, NO HOLDOUTS? RYAN STILES, I'M GOING TO TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW! AND, BRUCE GOWERS, THAT'S IT! NO, TOM PARK, THAT'S IT! PUT THAT BACK! RUTH PHILLIPS, DON'T BE WRITING DOWN YOUR SUGGESTIONS! COLIN MOCHRIE, I'M GOING TO GIVE IT TO YOU! OH, STEVEN BLUM, I'M WARNING YOU! YOU'RE GOING RIGHT TO YOUR ROOM! DO YOU WANT YOUR HOEDOWN? DELIA FRANKEL, YOU ARE NOT GOING TO EAT YOUR VEGETABLES, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET ANY DESSERT! -- Captions by VITAC -- CAPTIONS PAID FOR BY ABC, INC.
AND WARNER BROS.
INC.