Anger Management s02e41 Episode Script
Charlie and Sean and the Battle of the Exes
Patrick, you seem pretty pissed today.
What's going on? Pissed? Oh, no, I'm not pissed.
Everyone always thinks I'm so dramatic.
"There's always something wrong with Patrick.
" Well, I'm sorry, folks.
No show today.
All right.
Lacey, what's going on with you? I am dying of loneliness.
Ah, there it is.
The matinee performance of "Okla-homo.
" I can't find anyone of any substance.
Every guy I go out with turns out to be a superficial idiot.
The last guy thought PBS was a peanut butter sandwich.
That's dumb.
Everyone knows it's Pabst Blue Ribbon.
"I'll have a PBS.
" That's not even the same letters.
He's right, Lacey.
PBS is a delivery service.
No, that's UPS.
Actually, I was thinking of FedEx.
Okay, not even one initial.
Patrick, I get that you're frustrated, but why do you think this keeps happening? I know this is gonna sound horrible, but the reason superficial men are attracted to me is I'm too good-looking.
Wow, that must've been really hard for you to admit.
I understand you, Patrick.
I, too, suffer from incredible hotness.
It's a curse.
Everyone's attracted to this, not this.
You know what? That gives me an idea for an interesting experiment.
Putting a dog in a wind tunnel? Great idea.
You think they'll like it, but let's see if they really like it.
I'm talking about changing Patrick's appearance.
If you make yourself unattractive, you'll know that people are interested in you and not just your looks.
Ooh, let me help you be unattractive.
I've done this before.
For one week, I went to a club without lashes or heels and every guy I slept with was really into me for me.
Hey, I took a special effects makeup class in college.
I can make a real-lookin' ugly nose.
And Ed can give you one of his real-lookin' ugly shirts.
Hey.
Well, I guess I do have something laying around.
You've gotta pick your battles.
There you are.
What the hell are you doing here? If you're not gonna come to the office, I'm gonna bring the office to you.
Look at how much work has piled up since you started slacking off.
Uh these are all blank.
Yeah, I know.
I wanted to make a dramatic statement, but it's hard when everything's digital.
Look at how much work has piled up since you started slacking off.
I get it.
So, should I lose this in the couch cushion now or let it happen naturally? Hey, Charlie, you got a second? Oh, hey, Sean.
Jordan, you two remember each other, right? Of course.
Uh, no.
But you remember me and I totally get that.
Well, I've got work to do.
So do you.
Maybe between making forts and looking at porn, you could stop by the office.
If we had a table saw, I bet we could make an awesome fort.
Yeah, that's where we could watch our porn.
So, what's the deal with you and Jordan? You guys, uh hmm.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
She's too because of all the makes me just wanna Hey, so where do we stand with the whole Jen thing? Did you put in a good word for me yet? I'm sorry, I just don't see Jen as the right pick for you.
Tell you what, you forget about Jen and I'll throw in two IHOP waitresses and a part-time lesbian letter carrier to be named later.
Cheryl? I already banged her.
Oh, come on, brah.
Jen and I have an incredible connection.
I'm just I'm worried that somebody else is gonna grab her up before I do.
Cheating on her is the dumbest thing I've ever done.
Other than the time you zip-lined across that bonfire wearing a marshmallow suit.
- That was a great night.
- One of the best.
Please, just put in a word for me.
I'll never ask again.
Fine, but if she's insane enough to take you back and you cheat on her again, I will hunt you down, kill you, and leave you to rot in the porn fort.
Anger Management 2x41 - Charlie and Sean and the Battle of the Exes - Original air date November 7, 2013 This was a great idea, Charlie.
Exactly what I needed.
Margarita Monday.
- It's Thursday.
- Even better.
This is so nice seeing you exes get along.
My first husband was so bitter, he drove off with the house.
- You lived in a trailer? - No.
I can't thank you enough for getting me out.
My social life is a wreck.
I keep going out with all these one-date dorks.
At this rate, I'm never gonna get laid again.
- I might have a solution for you.
- What? - Have sex on the first date.
- Charlie.
I'm joking, but I do have someone in mind for you and you already know him.
Oh, yeah? Tell me more about "him.
" Well, you're probably gonna say no.
- Don't be so sure.
- Okay.
- Sean.
- Blah-hh! Well, you didn't say no.
I hate him.
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.
Look, I have mixed feelings about him, too.
But he asked me to talk to you.
He really wants to see you again.
Forget it.
The only women who'd want Sean are screwed-up party girls with no self-esteem.
Besides, I thought you were talking about someone else.
- Who? - You.
Me? I knew you were gonna say me.
I just thought I'd act surprised.
What's the big deal? We hooked up that one time a couple months ago.
It was pretty good.
I'm down for that again.
Aren't you? I bet that seemed sexier in your head.
It really did.
Then let's go back to my place.
But we cannot tell Sean.
Why, are you cheating on him? A little.
All right, we're gonna talk about anger and racial intolerance.
The sign around your neck represents the race you're gonna be for today's session.
I think we're very racially tolerant in here.
Cleo, last week, you called someone a "beaner.
" And, Ernesto, you used the word "chinky.
" And, Wayne, your manifesto on keeping the white race pure is a jailhouse bestseller.
I used to be a white supremacist.
Then I was just proud to be white.
Now I'll be happy if there are still white people around in 50 years.
Well, that's a slightly healthier attitude.
Yeah, I mean, with all these Mexicans humping and pumping out babies Oh, don't you talk about my people that way.
We are proud descendants of "Aztekian" warriors.
We can't help it if we wanna make love and sleep all day.
You'd better watch what you're saying about Mexicans.
What are you worried about? You're Asian.
I get the feeling he's one of those Asians that loves Mexicans.
Yeah, that's exactly what I am.
And if he says stuff like that again, I will kung fu his Mexican black ass.
All right, well, this was a complete train wreck.
Experiment's over.
Turn in your signs.
You don't know what it's like in prison, Charlie.
Your race defines you.
It helps you survive.
You're just a white guy living on the outside.
Yeah, what's the biggest problem you've had in the last 24 hours? You wanna know? I'm having sex with my ex-wife, and I'm just worried that if my buddy, who really likes her, finds out, then it's gonna hurt his feelings.
You are so white, bro.
Maybe you should discuss this with your friends at the bank.
He said, "At the bank.
" He's funny.
He's gonna find out, Charlie.
It's just a matter of time, and the longer you wait to tell him, the worse it's gonna get.
Just find a way to soften the blow.
Like when they give you your last meal before they put you in the electric chair.
You're thinking, "Oh, crap, I'm gonna die.
" "Oh, boy.
Salisbury steak.
" You're right, I'll talk to him tomorrow.
It's just stupid for me to sit around waiting for him to get hit by a car.
You want me to make a call? Our kind's gotta stick together.
Man, gay bars are really cool.
Everybody's friendly, the music's good, and the bathroom attendants are really helpful.
There are no bathroom attendants.
Well, whoever that was, my shoulders feel a whole lot better.
Can we go now? I think I've learned a lot.
No one's gonna love me for me and I'm gonna die alone.
Maybe you need to just put yourself out there a little more.
People are probably just intimidated by you.
I bet that's what you tell all your ugly friends.
Oh, I totally do.
But then when they take my advice and get out there They humiliate themselves and go home alone? Yeah, but I did my part, so I feel great.
That's it.
I'm done.
You're not leaving, are you? I was just gonna come over and talk to you.
You want to talk to me? Have you seen this? Oh, no, you're blind.
Oh, no, no.
I just saw you and your smile and I thought, "This guy's got a nice vibe.
I'd like to meet him.
" I'd like to think that I am a nice guy.
Let me just go say goodbye to my friends.
Get the hell out of here, losers.
You're crowding me.
Hey, got your text.
What's up? Ooh boy, that's a really nice table saw.
Yeah, I went over to Home Depot to pick up a roll of duct tape and a light bulb, and I saw this and I thought, "Didn't Sean mention that he wanted one of these?" So I bought it for you.
That's weird.
What are you doing? Look, I talked to Jen.
I can't remember exactly what she said, but it was something like, "I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.
" There was something else.
Oh, yeah.
"I hate him.
" And you felt bad for me, so you bought me a table saw.
No, I felt bad for you after I had sex with her, and then I bought you a table saw.
Let's make something.
Wait, you were supposed to be talking to Jen for me and you ended up having sex with her? Yeah, but I talked about you first.
You know what? I have to be cool with it, right? I mean, she is your ex-wife.
So we're good? Yeah.
It's love and war, man.
She made her choice.
We're great.
You know what? No, we're not.
We're not great.
And I will not be bought out with a table saw.
- What about a riding mower? - No.
You broke the brah code, bro.
I think you mean, "You broke the bro code, brah.
" I'm sorry, but you said it yourself.
She made a choice.
You were the only dude that was there.
That's not a choice, man.
That's Communism.
Are you accusing me of being a Communist? You know what? She is gonna make a choice again, and this time, she is gonna choose me.
So you hang onto your table saw for that broken heart because it is gonna need some mending.
But a table saw cuts things.
Shut your face.
You know what I mean.
All right, well, if you don't want it, I'll just have to return it.
I still want it.
See? I shouldn't have said that because now you're probably gonna have sex with it, aren't ya? Hey.
Oh, I guess you're waltzing in here at 3:00 in the afternoon because you spent all morning reading the report I wrote.
Well, I read the first few words, then fell asleep.
I hit my head at the keyboard and generated a series of random letters that were far more compelling than anything you wrote.
That's because you missed a couple special words I put in there just for you.
They start with "B" and end with "low me.
" See? If you'd started with a zinger like that, I might've stayed awake.
Well, have fun rewriting it by yourself tonight because I have a date.
Oh, yeah? What's his name? Does it start with an "S" and end with "taying at home with my cat"? As a matter of fact, it does start with an "S.
" I'm going out with your friend Sean tonight.
- Excuse me? - Yeah, I ran into him a few days ago at Starbucks.
Sean didn't run into you.
He's a predator.
He ran into you like a hungry wolf runs into a chipper blonde little alcoholic bunny.
So he's pursuing me.
What's wrong with that? Has he slept with you? No, that doesn't happen until the third date, which is tonight.
He's been a complete gentleman.
A complete gentleman who is gonna hump you and dump you and you're gonna get hurt.
The last thing I need is to come into work and listen to you cry any more than you already do.
You know what? I'm a smart bunny and I know the difference between a wolf and a good guy.
Now, goodbye.
I have to get ready.
Sean is coming over tonight and he's going to have intimate knowledge of my body and then we are going to stare into each other's eyes until the sun comes up.
Yeah, if you want him to stay that long, you'd better have intimate knowledge of how to tie him to the bed.
You know, I know we've only known each other a couple of days, but I feel like you're the first person who really knows who I am.
You know what's funny? The other night when we met, I'd almost given up on finding somebody real.
Then I met you.
I am so real.
To us.
Oh.
You got a little something on your So, you wanna go back to my place? Your nose is, uh what the hell's going on with your nose? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
You weren't supposed to find out like this.
Find out what? I'm handsome.
Why would you do this? My therapist told me to dress like this because I said I wanted to meet someone who didn't hit on me just because I'm so good-looking.
My therapist told me to only approach unattractive men because I said I wanted to meet someone of substance instead of the pretty boys I'm always chasing.
So you're superficial? Oh, big time.
That's why I never tried to kiss you.
- You were so ugly.
- Oh, I know.
I wouldn't have kissed me either.
I was hideous.
We are both such terrible people.
I know, we have so much in common! If you don't look too close, we're perfect for each other.
- Wait, what kind of car do you drive? - A Porsche I can't afford.
Oh, my God.
You are amazing.
All right, sex time.
Upstairs.
Move it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's it? - What am I, a piece of meat? - You want romance? I got beer, I got Funyuns.
Let's do this.
Excellent.
Bring those Funyuns upstairs.
I have an idea.
Oh, God.
Sean.
"Hey, I know stuff's been weird with us," "but Charlie introduced me to someone" "and it's serious, so I won't be bothering you anymore.
" "Hope we can be friends.
Smiley face.
" Wait, wait, wait.
He actually wrote out the words "smiley face"? Emoticons confuse him.
God, he's such an idiot.
And why does he even think I care about him being with another girl? I don't know.
I told him you weren't interested.
Not interested? I hate him! So who is she? Is she prettier than me? What? Nobody could answer a question like that.
I'd never ask you if Sean was better-looking than me.
- He is.
- You see? You see? There are no answers to these questions.
So she's pretty and you introduced them.
She's just this doctor that I was forced to work with on the study.
She's a doctor? Not some skanky stripper covered in tattoos? Oh, my God, so she's real girlfriend material.
That's it.
That's why Sean's dating Jordan.
- He wants to make you jealous.
- That bastard.
And I wasn't jealous.
Now she's gonna throw herself at him and be totally humiliated.
- Give me your phone.
- Why? Because I am not gonna be outsmarted by a guy who doesn't understand emoticons.
You're early, baby.
I hope you're hungry.
I just shaved dessert.
Wow.
Charlie, what are you doing here? I'm getting ready for Sean.
He's gonna be here any minute.
That's exactly why I'm here.
Look, you cannot sleep with Sean tonight.
I can prove that he's using you and holy crap.
What's with all the horses? What? I like horses.
I hope so, otherwise you're in a full gallop to "Crazy Acres.
" Look, I finally figured out why Sean's seeing you.
Me, too.
He likes horses.
He told me last night.
No.
See this phone? It belongs to my ex-wife.
That's whose ice he really wants to shave.
What is that supposed to mean? Oh.
Ugh.
He's using you to make her jealous to get her back.
Look at the text he wrote.
Oh, he says we're serious.
That is so sweet.
Okay, all right.
Let's see what happens when Jennifer sends him this.
"Get over here right now.
I want you back.
" How do you do a winky face? Ah, I'll just spell it out.
- Answer the door.
- This is insane.
Hi.
Are those for me? Baby, I am so sorry.
I just got a text from my Grandma Rose.
And she just got in a horrible car accident.
Your grandma texted you? That's how she got in the accident.
I'm gonna take these to the hospital.
It's probably I'll call you, okay? Gosh.
Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
Can I see that phone? Yeah, sure.
"Hey, it's Jen.
" "Changed my mind.
Too horny to wait.
" "Meet me at the corner of Lankershim and Roscoe.
" "Wait in your car, naked.
" What's that gonna do? Nothing, until I call the cops and tell them there's a naked guy in his car on the corner of Lankershim and Roscoe.
Hey.
Hey.
So, I just got out of jail.
Coffee? That's very clever.
Rather large group of parishioners from "Our Lady of Let's All Look At Sean's Package" they got a pretty full show when the cops pulled me out of the car.
That was all Jordan, but the first text from Jennifer, that was all me.
Sugar? Yeah, thanks.
Truce? Truce.
Listen, Jordan sent me a text and I want your honest opinion.
Now, she said that she really misses me and that she can get over what happened, but I need to get naked, handcuff myself to my bed, and leave the front door unlocked.
Well, I'm not surprised.
She said she really liked you.
Cool, see you later.
It is a trap, isn't it? Yeap.
I'm gonna take my chances.
What's going on? Pissed? Oh, no, I'm not pissed.
Everyone always thinks I'm so dramatic.
"There's always something wrong with Patrick.
" Well, I'm sorry, folks.
No show today.
All right.
Lacey, what's going on with you? I am dying of loneliness.
Ah, there it is.
The matinee performance of "Okla-homo.
" I can't find anyone of any substance.
Every guy I go out with turns out to be a superficial idiot.
The last guy thought PBS was a peanut butter sandwich.
That's dumb.
Everyone knows it's Pabst Blue Ribbon.
"I'll have a PBS.
" That's not even the same letters.
He's right, Lacey.
PBS is a delivery service.
No, that's UPS.
Actually, I was thinking of FedEx.
Okay, not even one initial.
Patrick, I get that you're frustrated, but why do you think this keeps happening? I know this is gonna sound horrible, but the reason superficial men are attracted to me is I'm too good-looking.
Wow, that must've been really hard for you to admit.
I understand you, Patrick.
I, too, suffer from incredible hotness.
It's a curse.
Everyone's attracted to this, not this.
You know what? That gives me an idea for an interesting experiment.
Putting a dog in a wind tunnel? Great idea.
You think they'll like it, but let's see if they really like it.
I'm talking about changing Patrick's appearance.
If you make yourself unattractive, you'll know that people are interested in you and not just your looks.
Ooh, let me help you be unattractive.
I've done this before.
For one week, I went to a club without lashes or heels and every guy I slept with was really into me for me.
Hey, I took a special effects makeup class in college.
I can make a real-lookin' ugly nose.
And Ed can give you one of his real-lookin' ugly shirts.
Hey.
Well, I guess I do have something laying around.
You've gotta pick your battles.
There you are.
What the hell are you doing here? If you're not gonna come to the office, I'm gonna bring the office to you.
Look at how much work has piled up since you started slacking off.
Uh these are all blank.
Yeah, I know.
I wanted to make a dramatic statement, but it's hard when everything's digital.
Look at how much work has piled up since you started slacking off.
I get it.
So, should I lose this in the couch cushion now or let it happen naturally? Hey, Charlie, you got a second? Oh, hey, Sean.
Jordan, you two remember each other, right? Of course.
Uh, no.
But you remember me and I totally get that.
Well, I've got work to do.
So do you.
Maybe between making forts and looking at porn, you could stop by the office.
If we had a table saw, I bet we could make an awesome fort.
Yeah, that's where we could watch our porn.
So, what's the deal with you and Jordan? You guys, uh hmm.
Oh, no, no, no.
No, no, no.
She's too because of all the makes me just wanna Hey, so where do we stand with the whole Jen thing? Did you put in a good word for me yet? I'm sorry, I just don't see Jen as the right pick for you.
Tell you what, you forget about Jen and I'll throw in two IHOP waitresses and a part-time lesbian letter carrier to be named later.
Cheryl? I already banged her.
Oh, come on, brah.
Jen and I have an incredible connection.
I'm just I'm worried that somebody else is gonna grab her up before I do.
Cheating on her is the dumbest thing I've ever done.
Other than the time you zip-lined across that bonfire wearing a marshmallow suit.
- That was a great night.
- One of the best.
Please, just put in a word for me.
I'll never ask again.
Fine, but if she's insane enough to take you back and you cheat on her again, I will hunt you down, kill you, and leave you to rot in the porn fort.
Anger Management 2x41 - Charlie and Sean and the Battle of the Exes - Original air date November 7, 2013 This was a great idea, Charlie.
Exactly what I needed.
Margarita Monday.
- It's Thursday.
- Even better.
This is so nice seeing you exes get along.
My first husband was so bitter, he drove off with the house.
- You lived in a trailer? - No.
I can't thank you enough for getting me out.
My social life is a wreck.
I keep going out with all these one-date dorks.
At this rate, I'm never gonna get laid again.
- I might have a solution for you.
- What? - Have sex on the first date.
- Charlie.
I'm joking, but I do have someone in mind for you and you already know him.
Oh, yeah? Tell me more about "him.
" Well, you're probably gonna say no.
- Don't be so sure.
- Okay.
- Sean.
- Blah-hh! Well, you didn't say no.
I hate him.
I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.
Look, I have mixed feelings about him, too.
But he asked me to talk to you.
He really wants to see you again.
Forget it.
The only women who'd want Sean are screwed-up party girls with no self-esteem.
Besides, I thought you were talking about someone else.
- Who? - You.
Me? I knew you were gonna say me.
I just thought I'd act surprised.
What's the big deal? We hooked up that one time a couple months ago.
It was pretty good.
I'm down for that again.
Aren't you? I bet that seemed sexier in your head.
It really did.
Then let's go back to my place.
But we cannot tell Sean.
Why, are you cheating on him? A little.
All right, we're gonna talk about anger and racial intolerance.
The sign around your neck represents the race you're gonna be for today's session.
I think we're very racially tolerant in here.
Cleo, last week, you called someone a "beaner.
" And, Ernesto, you used the word "chinky.
" And, Wayne, your manifesto on keeping the white race pure is a jailhouse bestseller.
I used to be a white supremacist.
Then I was just proud to be white.
Now I'll be happy if there are still white people around in 50 years.
Well, that's a slightly healthier attitude.
Yeah, I mean, with all these Mexicans humping and pumping out babies Oh, don't you talk about my people that way.
We are proud descendants of "Aztekian" warriors.
We can't help it if we wanna make love and sleep all day.
You'd better watch what you're saying about Mexicans.
What are you worried about? You're Asian.
I get the feeling he's one of those Asians that loves Mexicans.
Yeah, that's exactly what I am.
And if he says stuff like that again, I will kung fu his Mexican black ass.
All right, well, this was a complete train wreck.
Experiment's over.
Turn in your signs.
You don't know what it's like in prison, Charlie.
Your race defines you.
It helps you survive.
You're just a white guy living on the outside.
Yeah, what's the biggest problem you've had in the last 24 hours? You wanna know? I'm having sex with my ex-wife, and I'm just worried that if my buddy, who really likes her, finds out, then it's gonna hurt his feelings.
You are so white, bro.
Maybe you should discuss this with your friends at the bank.
He said, "At the bank.
" He's funny.
He's gonna find out, Charlie.
It's just a matter of time, and the longer you wait to tell him, the worse it's gonna get.
Just find a way to soften the blow.
Like when they give you your last meal before they put you in the electric chair.
You're thinking, "Oh, crap, I'm gonna die.
" "Oh, boy.
Salisbury steak.
" You're right, I'll talk to him tomorrow.
It's just stupid for me to sit around waiting for him to get hit by a car.
You want me to make a call? Our kind's gotta stick together.
Man, gay bars are really cool.
Everybody's friendly, the music's good, and the bathroom attendants are really helpful.
There are no bathroom attendants.
Well, whoever that was, my shoulders feel a whole lot better.
Can we go now? I think I've learned a lot.
No one's gonna love me for me and I'm gonna die alone.
Maybe you need to just put yourself out there a little more.
People are probably just intimidated by you.
I bet that's what you tell all your ugly friends.
Oh, I totally do.
But then when they take my advice and get out there They humiliate themselves and go home alone? Yeah, but I did my part, so I feel great.
That's it.
I'm done.
You're not leaving, are you? I was just gonna come over and talk to you.
You want to talk to me? Have you seen this? Oh, no, you're blind.
Oh, no, no.
I just saw you and your smile and I thought, "This guy's got a nice vibe.
I'd like to meet him.
" I'd like to think that I am a nice guy.
Let me just go say goodbye to my friends.
Get the hell out of here, losers.
You're crowding me.
Hey, got your text.
What's up? Ooh boy, that's a really nice table saw.
Yeah, I went over to Home Depot to pick up a roll of duct tape and a light bulb, and I saw this and I thought, "Didn't Sean mention that he wanted one of these?" So I bought it for you.
That's weird.
What are you doing? Look, I talked to Jen.
I can't remember exactly what she said, but it was something like, "I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him, I hate him.
" There was something else.
Oh, yeah.
"I hate him.
" And you felt bad for me, so you bought me a table saw.
No, I felt bad for you after I had sex with her, and then I bought you a table saw.
Let's make something.
Wait, you were supposed to be talking to Jen for me and you ended up having sex with her? Yeah, but I talked about you first.
You know what? I have to be cool with it, right? I mean, she is your ex-wife.
So we're good? Yeah.
It's love and war, man.
She made her choice.
We're great.
You know what? No, we're not.
We're not great.
And I will not be bought out with a table saw.
- What about a riding mower? - No.
You broke the brah code, bro.
I think you mean, "You broke the bro code, brah.
" I'm sorry, but you said it yourself.
She made a choice.
You were the only dude that was there.
That's not a choice, man.
That's Communism.
Are you accusing me of being a Communist? You know what? She is gonna make a choice again, and this time, she is gonna choose me.
So you hang onto your table saw for that broken heart because it is gonna need some mending.
But a table saw cuts things.
Shut your face.
You know what I mean.
All right, well, if you don't want it, I'll just have to return it.
I still want it.
See? I shouldn't have said that because now you're probably gonna have sex with it, aren't ya? Hey.
Oh, I guess you're waltzing in here at 3:00 in the afternoon because you spent all morning reading the report I wrote.
Well, I read the first few words, then fell asleep.
I hit my head at the keyboard and generated a series of random letters that were far more compelling than anything you wrote.
That's because you missed a couple special words I put in there just for you.
They start with "B" and end with "low me.
" See? If you'd started with a zinger like that, I might've stayed awake.
Well, have fun rewriting it by yourself tonight because I have a date.
Oh, yeah? What's his name? Does it start with an "S" and end with "taying at home with my cat"? As a matter of fact, it does start with an "S.
" I'm going out with your friend Sean tonight.
- Excuse me? - Yeah, I ran into him a few days ago at Starbucks.
Sean didn't run into you.
He's a predator.
He ran into you like a hungry wolf runs into a chipper blonde little alcoholic bunny.
So he's pursuing me.
What's wrong with that? Has he slept with you? No, that doesn't happen until the third date, which is tonight.
He's been a complete gentleman.
A complete gentleman who is gonna hump you and dump you and you're gonna get hurt.
The last thing I need is to come into work and listen to you cry any more than you already do.
You know what? I'm a smart bunny and I know the difference between a wolf and a good guy.
Now, goodbye.
I have to get ready.
Sean is coming over tonight and he's going to have intimate knowledge of my body and then we are going to stare into each other's eyes until the sun comes up.
Yeah, if you want him to stay that long, you'd better have intimate knowledge of how to tie him to the bed.
You know, I know we've only known each other a couple of days, but I feel like you're the first person who really knows who I am.
You know what's funny? The other night when we met, I'd almost given up on finding somebody real.
Then I met you.
I am so real.
To us.
Oh.
You got a little something on your So, you wanna go back to my place? Your nose is, uh what the hell's going on with your nose? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
You weren't supposed to find out like this.
Find out what? I'm handsome.
Why would you do this? My therapist told me to dress like this because I said I wanted to meet someone who didn't hit on me just because I'm so good-looking.
My therapist told me to only approach unattractive men because I said I wanted to meet someone of substance instead of the pretty boys I'm always chasing.
So you're superficial? Oh, big time.
That's why I never tried to kiss you.
- You were so ugly.
- Oh, I know.
I wouldn't have kissed me either.
I was hideous.
We are both such terrible people.
I know, we have so much in common! If you don't look too close, we're perfect for each other.
- Wait, what kind of car do you drive? - A Porsche I can't afford.
Oh, my God.
You are amazing.
All right, sex time.
Upstairs.
Move it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's it? - What am I, a piece of meat? - You want romance? I got beer, I got Funyuns.
Let's do this.
Excellent.
Bring those Funyuns upstairs.
I have an idea.
Oh, God.
Sean.
"Hey, I know stuff's been weird with us," "but Charlie introduced me to someone" "and it's serious, so I won't be bothering you anymore.
" "Hope we can be friends.
Smiley face.
" Wait, wait, wait.
He actually wrote out the words "smiley face"? Emoticons confuse him.
God, he's such an idiot.
And why does he even think I care about him being with another girl? I don't know.
I told him you weren't interested.
Not interested? I hate him! So who is she? Is she prettier than me? What? Nobody could answer a question like that.
I'd never ask you if Sean was better-looking than me.
- He is.
- You see? You see? There are no answers to these questions.
So she's pretty and you introduced them.
She's just this doctor that I was forced to work with on the study.
She's a doctor? Not some skanky stripper covered in tattoos? Oh, my God, so she's real girlfriend material.
That's it.
That's why Sean's dating Jordan.
- He wants to make you jealous.
- That bastard.
And I wasn't jealous.
Now she's gonna throw herself at him and be totally humiliated.
- Give me your phone.
- Why? Because I am not gonna be outsmarted by a guy who doesn't understand emoticons.
You're early, baby.
I hope you're hungry.
I just shaved dessert.
Wow.
Charlie, what are you doing here? I'm getting ready for Sean.
He's gonna be here any minute.
That's exactly why I'm here.
Look, you cannot sleep with Sean tonight.
I can prove that he's using you and holy crap.
What's with all the horses? What? I like horses.
I hope so, otherwise you're in a full gallop to "Crazy Acres.
" Look, I finally figured out why Sean's seeing you.
Me, too.
He likes horses.
He told me last night.
No.
See this phone? It belongs to my ex-wife.
That's whose ice he really wants to shave.
What is that supposed to mean? Oh.
Ugh.
He's using you to make her jealous to get her back.
Look at the text he wrote.
Oh, he says we're serious.
That is so sweet.
Okay, all right.
Let's see what happens when Jennifer sends him this.
"Get over here right now.
I want you back.
" How do you do a winky face? Ah, I'll just spell it out.
- Answer the door.
- This is insane.
Hi.
Are those for me? Baby, I am so sorry.
I just got a text from my Grandma Rose.
And she just got in a horrible car accident.
Your grandma texted you? That's how she got in the accident.
I'm gonna take these to the hospital.
It's probably I'll call you, okay? Gosh.
Sweetie, I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
Can I see that phone? Yeah, sure.
"Hey, it's Jen.
" "Changed my mind.
Too horny to wait.
" "Meet me at the corner of Lankershim and Roscoe.
" "Wait in your car, naked.
" What's that gonna do? Nothing, until I call the cops and tell them there's a naked guy in his car on the corner of Lankershim and Roscoe.
Hey.
Hey.
So, I just got out of jail.
Coffee? That's very clever.
Rather large group of parishioners from "Our Lady of Let's All Look At Sean's Package" they got a pretty full show when the cops pulled me out of the car.
That was all Jordan, but the first text from Jennifer, that was all me.
Sugar? Yeah, thanks.
Truce? Truce.
Listen, Jordan sent me a text and I want your honest opinion.
Now, she said that she really misses me and that she can get over what happened, but I need to get naked, handcuff myself to my bed, and leave the front door unlocked.
Well, I'm not surprised.
She said she really liked you.
Cool, see you later.
It is a trap, isn't it? Yeap.
I'm gonna take my chances.