Batman (1966) s02e42 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
An apparently peaceful day in Gotham City.
But what is this? An armored-car holdup in broad daylight? Bash those guards.
Heist that cash.
Use your guns.
I wanna hear some noise.
Quack.
We're going to be late for that lecture to the Crime Prevention League.
Sounds like we may pick up new material for the lecture.
There's nothing like a little on-the-job research, old chum.
Lift that loot and tote that cash.
Get the loot.
Hurry up.
You're supposed to be crooks, not a bunch of old women.
What are you buttinskies doing here? Just a little scholarly research, Penguin.
Stop.
Stop this outrageous intrusion.
Cease, I say.
Cease and desist.
Stop, you bumbling buffoons.
This is legal, I tell you.
It's legal.
Have you heard anything about legalized thievery, Robin? Can't say that I have, Batman.
I'll wipe those silly smirks off your faces in court.
I'll sue you for assault and battery and aggravated interference.
Tsk.
You're witnessing the final disintegration of a criminal brain, Robin.
Years of outlawry have taken their inevitable toll.
But he's right about our being in court, Batman.
We'll be the prosecution's star witnesses when they try you for armed robbery.
Mother machree.
What's happening? Nothing now, chief.
Lucky we happened to be passing by.
Oh, no, Batman, 'twasn't luck.
'Twas a tragedy.
Do your duty, O'Hara.
Slap the handcuffs on them.
They've attacked these innocent citizens.
Innocent citizens? What's going on here, chief? I'm afraid he's right, Batman.
Look around.
Holy CinemaScope.
Penguin making pictures? That robbery was just a mock-up.
But this permit isn't a mock-up, Boy Blunderhead.
It's signed and sealed by the Gotham City Motion Picture Commission.
And I'm gonna sue the city for $10 million for failure to provide proper protection.
Do you hear that, Batman? Ten million dollars.
I hear you, Penguin.
And you two are going to jail for aggravated assault and malicious property damage.
Do you hear that, Batman? Jail.
- Looks like he's got us this time, Robin.
-Like rats in a trap.
But I'm willing to make a deal.
But, Batman, this is a contract for you and Robin to act in Penguin's picture.
And you've signed it.
Aw, it was blackmail, commissioner.
That bird trapped them into it.
- Not exactly, chief.
-What do you mean, Batman? I wanted to sign that contract, Robin.
You knew that robbery was a fake from the start? Yes, I saw the movie equipment as we drove up.
I didn't have time to explain but I wanted Penguin to think that he'd trapped us.
Why, Batman? When someone like Penguin sets up a movie company you can be sure it's not only film he's after, commissioner.
- Sure and that's the truth.
-So you signed that contract so we could keep an eye on Penguin.
-Precisely, Robin.
It's the only way we can stay close to him without arousing his suspicion.
What do you think the Penguin's planning, Batman? That's what we'll try to find out, commissioner.
He's gone to a lot of expense to establish this film company so we can be sure it's something big.
Where is Marsha, Queen of Diamonds? She is two hours late, Miss Patterson.
We're trying to locate her, Mr.
Penguin.
Well, try harder.
Time is money in the movie business.
- Yes, Mr.
Penguin.
- Quack.
Prop Department? No, Mr.
Penguin.
This is the Set Department.
Eh.
Prop Department? Sorry, Mr.
Penguin.
This is Publicity.
Prop Department? Prop Department? - Prop Department? - Yes, Mr.
Penguin.
Forgot what I wanted you for.
Oh, yes.
Have you ordered that milk for scene 12 tomorrow? Yes, sir.
The tank trucks are arriving now.
Twenty-four thousand gallons.
Heh.
Good, good, good.
Mr.
Penguin? Yes, Miss Patterson.
PATTERSON".
Marsha, Queen of Diamonds, is here.
Send her in, send her in.
Oh, I see that you're at your glittering best, my dear.
Thank you, darling.
Now, how do you suggest I get across this football field you call an office? Ah, well, just hop into my Pengy-mobile and ride over.
Ah.
Oh, my! Why, you're even more ravishing than usual, Martha my darling.
Skip the compliments, darling.
You wouldn't have asked me here if you didn't want something.
Yes, I do want something.
I want to make you a millionairess.
How boring.
I'm already a millionairess.
Heh, it's true.
Then how would you like to be a billionairess? - That's interesting.
-And all you have to do is to become my partner in this motion-picture company.
Oh, come, now, Pengy.
You don't really think there's a billion dollars in filmmaking.
Faugh, this motion-picture company is just a front.
- A front? -That's right.
A front? For what? For what? For the biggest caper ever to be pulled in Gotham City.
But I need capital, because this is a very expensive front.
- How much capital? -Mm, as much as we can get.
About a dozen of those diamonds that you're wearing as a start.
And for a dozen of my diamonds, I will be the star of your film, of course.
Well, I was thinking of somebody with more-- With more "waah.
" If you're thinking of my diamonds, darling, you were thinking of me for the star.
The star of my film is Batman.
Heh! - Batman? Batman? -Yes.
- How did you get him? -Oh, well, my usual bit of cunning chicanery.
Along with the Boy Wonder.
How's that for a cool one? - Very clever.
-Mm? - Pengy, darling.
-Yeah? Does Batman have a love scene with the leading lady in your film? Why, of course.
Who ever heard of a film without a love scene? Then I shall be your leading lady.
Or no diamonds.
I might even be able to get my aunt Hilda to whip up a love potion for my lipstick.
Your aunt Hilda? Heh! Is that old witch still practicing her black magic? The blackest, darling.
And with her help, I'll finally get Batman in my power.
Well, that's an additional bit of chicanery.
All right.
- Is it a deal? -it's a deal.
Ah, good.
I wouldn't mind winning an Oscar.
Heh, an Oscar? Heh! You don't want one of those.
My dear, if you play along with me you are liable to win the most coveted award in the entire motion-picture business.
You are liable to win a Penguin.
Penguin's script looks innocent enough, Robin.
An historical spectacle set in the days of ancient Rome.
But holy miscasts, Batman.
We play a pair of barbarian bandits sentenced to fight as gladiators in the Coliseum.
Casting us as bandits would appeal to Penguin's warped sense of humor.
He's sure gonna want us jumping through hoops, Batman.
And I'm afraid we'll have to jump, Robin.
At least until we find out what he's up to.
But we don't have to make things easy for him.
Take a look at scene 12, on Page 33.
Gosh, Batman.
What a scene.
I think someone connected with the Gotham City Film Decency League should take a look at this script.
What do you think, Robin? What do you think, Robin? Oh.
I think Penguin's gonna be in very hot water, Batman.
That's what I think.
This must be it, Robin.
- Holy movie moguls, Batman.
-Penguin's certainly playing his part to the hilt.
Well, if it isn't my two ham actors.
The only ham here is wearing a top hat.
Tut-tut, Boy Bungler, we can't all be great artists.
There it is.
An exact duplicate of the famous Tyrrhenian baths in ancient Rome.
This is for scene 12, I take it.
- You like that scene, eh, Batman? -I think it's in very poor taste, Penguin.
Faugh, it's a fantastically magnificent scene.
- I wrote it myself.
-Obviously.
What's the reason for the blindfolds, Batman? The reason is arriving now, Boy Bromide.
Hello, darling.
Oh, this'll be the most startling spectacle ever to hit the screen.
Ha, ha.
Wardrobe, where is Miss Marsha's, heh, costume? Heh, heh.
Ah, there it is.
Very good.
Ah! Perfect, perfect.
Thank you, thank you.
Are you ready to make history with this milk bath, my dear? Ready whenever you are, C.
B.
The love potion in my lipstick is ready too.
Oh.
Batman and Robin, how nice to see you.
You too, Mrs.
Cooper.
Could you point out someone called Mr.
Penguin to me'? I am Mr.
Penguin, madam.
And I am Mrs.
Harriet Cooper of the Gotham City League of Film Decency.
Film Decency? What are you doing here, Mrs.
C? We have read your script, Mr.
Penguin.
And we cannot approve the scene which you apparently are about to shoot.
This is outrageous.
As the leading entrepreneur of Gotham City I will not submit to having one page of my masterpiece enfeebled.
And we will not submit to such bullying tones.
Kindly remove your Victorian mind from my set, Mrs.
C.
Only when you remove this morbid scene from your film.
Think of the children.
I am thinking of the children, madam.
Look at this.
Look at this here.
Twenty-three thousand quarts of homogenized milk here.
Fortified with vitamin C.
I tell you, this whole scene is bursting with minerals and vitamins.
This scene is bursting with other things as well.
Oh, you know, I suspect this is your doing, masked meddlers.
You're always poking your proboscis into other people's business.
Decency is everybody's business, Penguin.
All right.
All right, we will out the scene.
And instead, we will do scene 43.
Get ready, Marsha.
And you, Batman, take your place for scene 43.
Scene 43, that's the one where you and Marsha-- Yes, I know, Robin.
But I'll have to do it.
I trust you're going to enjoy this scene, Batman, darling.
I made a bargain with Penguin, and I never break my word.
Bargain? Why, half the men in the world would fight to be kissed by Marsha, Queen of Diamonds.
They certainly wouldn't have to fight me.
What an appalling lack of enthusiasm, darling.
But don't worry, I have enough enthusiasm for both of us.
Lights.
Camera.
Action.
Cut it.
That's not good enough.
Batman, I want you to put some "grah" into it.
We'll do it again and again and again.
Once is enough, you feathered fraud.
Tut-tut, Boy Bluenose.
Penguin is a perfectionist.
I'll do it a hundred times if it's necessary.
And it will be necessary.
All right, action.
Oh, Bruce, your lips are terribly chapped.
It's a mild case of windburn, Aunt Harriet.
You see, this afternoon, Dick and I took an open bus tour through the Wayne Animal Sanctuary.
Well, I'm going to get you some salve for those lips.
Just in case a pretty girl wants to kiss you.
Boy, I'll bet you'll never wanna kiss another girl as long as you live, Bruce.
I wouldn't go so far as to say that, Dick.
You're jumping to a rash conclusion.
Aw, you looked like you were putting up quite a struggle, all right.
I think there was some kind of potion in her lipstick.
- Potion? -Yes.
I think a love-inducing elixir of some sort.
No wonder your lips are chapped.
It took a great amount of concentration to combat its effectiveness.
Good.
Speaking of the immediate future why do you think Penguin is shooting tomorrow's scene at the Gotham City Museum of Antiquities? He claims he wants to use the museum as a background for his films.
But I suspect he has something bigger in mind.
Shouldn't we do something? That museum is full of priceless and irreplaceable art.
I have done something about it, Dick.
I went to the museum and planted Bat-homing devices on every object of art.
Ah, Alfred.
Have you been keeping an eye on the Bat-radar scopes? Yes, sir.
And so far the signals from the Bat-homing devices indicate that all the objects of art are still in the museum.
Hmm.
I suspect some of the objects will be moved before the night is over.
And we'll know exactly where Penguin's taken them.
So far, our overall plan is working like a charm, Bruce.
So far, Dick.
So far.
Didn't you think I was magnificent in that love scene, darling? Well, you were certainly better than the potion in that lipstick.
That left Batman colder than an iceberg.
Yes, Aunt Hilda obviously forgot to put enough oomph into it.
- Anyway, your plan is working so far.
-What do you mean, so far? A Penguin plan is money in the bank.
Money in the bank is no good to us, darling.
Our problem is getting it out of the bank.
Don't worry, it'll be out of the bank and in our hands soon enough.
You see, stage one is already in progress.
Right now my men should be at the Museum of Antiquities.
And stage two is likewise under control.
Now for stage three.
I will need another love potion from your aunt Hilda.
And one that'll really, really work this time.
I'll see what I can do, darling.
In the meantime, you'll have to tell me what stage three is.
- Tell me.
-No, I never trust a woman with a secret.
And if you're nothing else, Marsha, you're certainly a woman.
A woman with diamonds, darling.
Or would you rather return my collateral to me? No, no.
That's extortion, Marsha.
You should know, darling.
You should know.
- Hello, Aunt Hilda.
-Hello, dearie.
What is that? Mortimer, say hello to Marsha.
Aunt Hilda, have you been robbing graveyards again? Oh, no, dearie.
I left off that 20 years ago when I was chemistry professor at Vassar.
Until I quit.
Don't you mean until you were fired? A term I find most unappealing, dearie.
Speaking of things unappealing where did you get that? I left one of the potions in the caldron overnight and next morning, there was Mortimer.
He's really quite friendly.
How are you doing with your other potions these days, Aunt Hilda? Other potions? That one you put in my lipstick was a complete failure.
Well, that was because I ran out of chameleon tongues, dearie.
- But if you want something really strong-- -I do, I do.
I was just about to whip up one of my bests.
The old toad potion.
My very strongest.
Oh, dear.
I'm afraid I'm out of old toads too.
Can't you substitute some new toads? It would never work, dearie.
We've just got to get some more old toads.
It doesn't look as if Penguin took anything, Batman.
No it doesn't, Robin.
All our homing devices seem to be in place.
But I'm still suspicious, Robin.
Suspicious of what, Caped Codger? Don't tell me you're suspicious of the Penguin tampering with these priceless works of art.
The thought did cross my mind.
What, a great filmmaker like myself stooping to a petty theft? Why, that's ridiculous.
What's ridiculous is thinking you're a great filmmaker.
I write the lines around here, Boy Blowhard.
You stick to the script.
Speaking of which, your big scene is coming up.
I must see to it that everything is, heh, prepared.
- Batman, thank heaven you're here.
-What's wrong, Mr.
Tamber? The museum's priceless collection of 15th-century chain-mail armor, it's gone.
That's impossible.
Our Bat-homing-- There is one factor I could've overlooked, Robin.
The metal alloy in that armor could've set up a magnetic field which blocked our homing transmission.
You have to get them back, Batman.
That unique alloy was invented by the great master Benvenuto Violini.
Violini.
Yes, he made the chain-mail armor out of it.
We'll try our best, Mr.
Tamber.
But I think you should move out of this room.
There could be some trouble here.
I think Batman has discovered the missing armor.
We'd better start this scene early.
All right, Batman, a light rehearsal.
Action.
I have a strange feeling Penguin is going to make this a very realistic scene, Robin.
If he wants realism, we'll give him realism.
Detail, halt.
Prepare to fight.
One, two.
That's it.
Skewer the scrofulous scullion.
Spear him like a cucumber.
Quack, quack! That's not in the script, Batman.
I'm directing this scene.
Maybe we'll get you in the scene, Penguin.
Those costumed cutups are slicing my finks to ribbon.
Uh Quack.
Shield your eyes, Robin.
Ah.
Now we'll give those two-bit actors a piece of real action.
This catapult will hurl you through the sky and across Gotham City.
I'm sure you'll make a big splash at the other end of your journey.
And your last moments on Earth will be recorded for posterity by those two cameras that I've strapped to your legs.
And I'll show the film at a special premiere for the Benefit of the Amalgamated Crooks of Gotham City.
The In-Flight Motion Pictures Benefit of Penguin Productions Unlimited.
Good flight, masked missiles.
We'll watch from a better vantage point.
Farewell.