Batman (1966) s02e45 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
Gotham City, a glistening jewel in a sun-filled landscape on a day when all seems right with the world.
But in stately Wayne Manor, some of life's answers still prove elusive.
Gosh, Bruce, I'm not really sure how important it is to know the maximum number of pieces a pie will yield after six cuts.
Well, if you had a house full of guests and only one pie you'd find it was important.
The trick to this pie puzzle, Dick, is to discover a rule that will give you the maximum number of pieces for any given number of cuts.
Now, notice-- Thank you.
--Cut number one yields two pieces.
Right.
Cut number two yields four pieces.
Right.
Do you detect any pattern yet, Dick? It looks as if each cut adds a number of pieces that is always equal to the number of the out.
Bravo, Dick.
I think you're beginning to get it.
As long as each cut intersects the lines of the previous cut, that rule should hold true.
Now, if we draw the next line in that manner and count the pieces, I'm sure you'll find they'll total seven.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
Seven.
Right again, Bruce.
The Batphone, sir.
Thank you, Alfred.
Here, Aunt Harriet, see how many pieces you can get out of this.
Oh, Alfred, I'm certainly glad I have you.
Thank you, madam.
Always happy to be of service.
- Yes, commissioner? -A very serious situation has arisen, Batman.
BRUCE".
What, commissioner? Well, for once, I'm afraid it's of such vital importance and might have such far-reaching consequences I think we should not even discuss it over the Batphone.
That bad, commissioner? That bad or worse.
- Right away, commissioner.
-No.
No, Batman, wait.
I don't even want us to meet in my office.
Now, if you will go directly to the Gotham Plaza Hotel, I'll explain further.
- Right.
-Holy cryptology, what was that all about? I don't know, Dick.
The commissioner is not given to unnecessary alarm.
To the Batpoles.
Chief.
You're just in time, Caped Crusader.
Right on the button.
Saints be praised.
Better three hours too soon than a minute late.
Now, what's the crisis, commissioner? Uh Step into the Petit Ballroom.
Happy anniversary to you Happy anniversary to you Happy anniversary, Dear Batman Happy anniversary to you Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished guests, Batman and Robin as mayor of Gotham City, it is my privilege to officiate at this luncheon.
One of many to commemorate a day cherished in the hearts of all Gothamites.
A day when a man known only as Batman donned cape and cowl for the first time and appeared in our midst to preserve law and order.
In appreciation of all the Caped Crusader has done for our community members of the Gotham City Dairymen's League have donated $200,000.
Enough new bills, as a matter of fact, to fill a golden calf.
The proceeds from this luncheon and others in your honor will be donated to your favorite charity, Batman.
Ms.
Anna Gram, Milkmaid of the Month will make the presentation.
The calf, please.
- Speech.
Speech.
-Right, speech.
Speech! Thank you.
Mayor Linseed, good citizens of Gotham City I can only state humbly that this is perhaps my finest moment.
Citizens, stay calm.
Make your way to the exits slowly.
Batman, look, the window.
The fire department is here already.
That's what I call fast action.
Almost too fast, Robin.
Have you noticed the lack of flame in this room and that curious green smoke? Batman, the firemen are leaving with the golden calf.
Not firemen, Robin.
The thieves who staged this flameless inferno.
Let's get them.
- Riddler.
-Salutations and consolations anniversary boy.
-Riddler, that money is for charity.
I'll see that it gets into needy hands.
In the meantime, I suggest you look for an engaging page to herald the next of my anniversary surprises.
Ta-ta.
Holy trampoline.
Where did Riddler get a Gotham City Fire Department rescue truck? Where he got it is not as important as where he's going.
To the Batmobile.
There's no need for axes.
There was no fire.
Merely a well-planned smoke screen to hide the Riddler's theft of the golden calf.
That enigmatic egotist back to plague our fair city? But not for long.
Holy fork in the road.
Twin rescue trucks.
One vehicle is set on an evil course, the other on an errand of mercy.
We can't risk stopping the wrong one.
Luck is no lady today, that's for sure.
Luck generally comes to those who look for it, Robin.
Riddler rarely leaves anything to chance.
Paper, mister? Which paper is it? Gotham City Herald.
Latest edition, 10 cents.
Want one or a bundle? One, please.
Thanks, pally.
I know it's important to be well-informed, Batman but don't you think we should be finding Riddler? That's exactly what I'm doing.
He suggested we look for an engaging page to herald the next of his anniversary surprises.
- Right.
-And what would you call the daily puzzle page of the Gotham City Herald? An engaging Page- - The clue must be somewhere in that puzzle.
-Precisely, Robin.
And since the Gotham City Herald also publishes a morning edition with this puzzle he would've had time to design his crime with this puzzle in mind.
What are we waiting for? Let's solve that puzzle.
NARRATOR".
Meanwhile, in his hideout in the soon-to-be-opened Noman Jigsaw Puzzle Factory the Prince of Puzzlers coaxes his cohorts in a chorus of praise.
Tell me again, you cringing knaves am I not the king? You are the king, Riddler.
King, king, king- Breathes there another mortal who has absconded with a $200,000 anniversary present from under the cowl of the Caped Crusader? No, Riddler, no one.
And who else would be clever enough to turn in a false fire alarm? So the real rescue truck would run interference for my escape.
Ha, ha! What a marvelous piece of riddling genius that was.
But I've only started with the Caped Crusaders.
I'm going to confound them with conundrums unnerve them with enigmas, perplex them with puzzles until they wish they were dead.
And then what, Riddler? Then, my jigsaw jackanapes, then I'll grant their wish.
All right, knaves, follow me.
We have work to do.
Get into these, quickly.
Gee, I wish I were going with you, Riddler.
Your part in our plan is critical, dear Anna Gram.
Do it well, and you can help us strike our next blow.
Where are we going, anyway? We are going to a banquet.
This puzzle's given us a few minutes of mental exercise but it still has to provide us with a clue Riddler promised it would.
Well, we've been studying this puzzle as a puzzle.
I keep thinking about the way you worked out that pie puzzle this afternoon.
You mean, inductively? Right.
Across one, "a water utensil.
" Answer, "basin.
" Down one, "a formal dinner.
" Answer, "banquet.
" Down three, "a public way.
" Answer, "street.
" - Down four-- -Wait a minute, Robin.
The Sons of Balboa are having a banquet at the Basin Street Hotel.
And they filled a Spanish chest with $100,000 worth of gold doubloons to contribute to your favorite charity.
A tempting treasure for that pirate Riddler.
The Batphone.
- What is it, commissioner? -An alarming incident in our financial district, Batman.
A water main under Matron Lane has burst and flooded the underground vault of the Gotham City Bank.
A flooded vault.
Or a flooded bank.
A bank wet, Batman.
Commissioner, muster your forces at the Basin Street Hotel and guard against criminal activity at the banquet being given by the Sons of Balboa.
- Robin and I will race to Gotham City Bank.
-We'll be there in a trice.
No doubt Riddler intended to divert us to the wrong banquet.
While he and his vultures no doubt picked the vault clean at Gotham City Bank.
But underwater? No doubt a wily ruse of some kind.
We'll need our Batrespirators.
To the Batmobile.
NARRATOR".
While the champions of justice race to the Gotham City Bank the Riddler and his frogmen are already at work in its watery vault room.
Flooded per their wily ruse to keep from being followed.
- Worked like a charm, Riddler.
- Why not? There's a difference between a Batman and a frogman.
One quick stop and then let's go dry our money.
Another bulletin from Riddler? I'm afraid so, Robin.
And look at this.
Only Riddler and his ilk would have such a flagrant disregard for private property.
This door will have to be repaired.
Not to mention the fortune he's stolen from the vault.
What does that giggling gorilla have to say this time? Another one of his canny conundrums.
"When is a man drowned but still not wet?" NARRATOR".
Back in the soon-to-be-opened Noman Jigsaw Puzzle Factory the Prince of Puzzlers tallies his ill-gotten gains.
One million five hundred thousand.
One million five hundred thousand and one.
A million and a half bucks.
I never thought I'd see that much loot at one time.
Yeah, that's sure a lot of damp dust.
It's only half of what we need.
Well, it's plenty for us, Riddler.
You shallow-brained simpletons, where's your imagination? Your ambition? Why do I have to keep reminding you? Three million dollars will buy us a weapon so awesome, so destructive, so terrifying the Gotham City fathers will get down on their miserable knees and offer me anything not to use it.
The entire city will be mine, mine, mine! Well, I suppose Batman and Robin are just gonna fold up their capes and retire.
Yeah, what about them, Riddler? Caped Crusaders will be wherever it is Caped Crusaders go when they're dead.
That is if you two lackwits haven't bungled your assignment.
- Well, we did just what you told us, Riddler.
-Without a hitch.
All right, all right.
Professor Avery Evans Charm, a genius and my friend.
An artful contrivance.
I congratulate you.
A mere toy compared to some of your devices, professor.
Is your fundraising campaign going well, Mr.
Riddler? See for yourself.
Beautiful.
I'll say.
- One million five hundred thousand.
-And one.
I can't wait to put my Demolecularizer in your hands and watch the members of the Gotham City Science Institute quake at my handiwork.
They still won't let you join, professor? I'm a high school dropout.
So am I.
Oh.
When will you have the $3 million? You won't be waiting long, professor.
Ere set of sun, all Batman's anniversary money will be in these two hands.
And the masked man hunters just an unpleasant memory.
NARRATOR".
When is a man drowned but still not wet? Unaware of the ghastly fate that awaits them the Caped Crusaders struggle valiantly to solve the Riddler's latest conundrum.
Nothing? Nothing.
I'm beginning to think this riddle doesn't have an answer.
You may be onto something, Robin.
There is a tack we haven't tried yet.
- Uh, begging your pardon, sir.
-Yes, Alfred? Forgive me for interrupting your celebration, sir but, uh, I felt that I ought to remind you of your appointment at the bakery.
- The bakery? -Yes, sir.
I understand that the Gotham City Baker's Guild has prepared a rather unique cake in your honor and wishes you and Master Robin to, uh, pose for the sculptured, uh, marshmallow figures of yourselves which will top the confection.
How could I have forgotten? Thank you, Alfred.
My pleasure, sir.
Let's go, Robin.
We'll continue our attempts to fathom Riddler's cryptogram while posing.
Right.
Change of scenery may turn the trick.
Now, that's what I call a cake.
Yes, it is rather formidable, isn't it? Batman.
Robin.
Gee, it sure was decent of you fellas to come all the way down here to pose for your marshmallow statues.
We're flattered we were asked.
Oh, it was nothing.
Now, you're probably in a rush to get to your Gotham Square Park appointment so I'll be just as fast as I can.
Now, all you have to do is go up to the top of the cake and you stand in the center with your hands at your sides.
It doesn't take long to carve marshmallows.
That's the second appointment we've forgotten today, Robin the final ceremony at Gotham Square Park.
In which the funds accumulated in our honor will be turned over to our favorite charity.
Riddler's latest brain twister has us both dizzy.
Breathe deeply.
Perhaps a breath of fresh air will clear our minds.
Here we go, Batman.
We're sinking, Batman.
Congratulations, Bat brain, you've risen to the occasion.
Can't get my feet out of this.
It's like quicksand.
It is quicksand, Robin.
Riddler's own prepared mix, cleverly disguised as strawberry icing.
That's right, you sinking saps.
Quicksand, 15 feet of it.
Call it an anniversary present.
That scurvy fiend.
Sorry I can't stay around to see you descend into oblivion, pastry faces but I have an appointment to keep with some money at Gotham Square Park.
Happy anniversary to you Happy anniversary to you Happy anniversary, dear Batman Ta-ta.
Happy anniversary to you I did think it would all end differently, somehow less ignominiously.
To drown in my own anniversary cake Drown? But in quicksand? Yes, old chum.
Death in quicksand is technically drowning.
That's it, Batman.
- What, Robin? -The answer to the riddle.
When is a man drowned but still not wet? We'll be drowned, but in quicksand so we won't get wet.
Excellent.
You've done it again.
Mm-hm.
Lot of good it'll do us now, though.