Batman (1966) s02e49 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
Gotham State Penitentiary, an impregnable fortress under maximum security where rehabilitation, not punishment, is the keynote.
Hello, Catwoman.
Mm, hello.
You're familiar with millionaire Bruce Wayne? Yes, we've met.
Is there any particular reason you had me brought here? I was taking my afternoon catnap.
We're, uh, taking a gamble on you, Catwoman.
Your parole application has been granted due to the insistence of one of the members of the board.
- You're letting me go? -With this proviso a board member will act as your parole officer.
He, heaven help him, will be totally responsible for your actions.
Who's that? Millionaire Bruce Wayne.
Warden I owe my life of crime to the fact that I was a drop-out.
I'm going back to Gotham City University to immerse myself in education.
NARRATOR".
Late the next night, a curious happening takes shape in one of Gotham City University's hallowed halls.
A student prank? Or a feline scheme of that university's most recently registered student? Meanwhile, in Stately Wayne Manor Yes, commissioner.
I'm not certain if this requires your attention, Batman but some strange goings-on have been going on.
Who is it this time, commissioner? Joker, Egghead, Riddler, King Tut? I don't know.
A statue has been stolen at Gotham City University.
Sounds like a freshman prank to me.
Perhaps and then again, perhaps not.
The statue was a full-sized replica of you, Batman.
My graven image, eh? We'll be right there, commissioner.
To the Batpoles.
Utterly baffling.
With all due respect to Batman's myriad fans, why would anyone steal a mere statue? Maybe it was some kind of dumb fraternity stunt.
Unfortunately, I can think of a more sinister reason.
What, Batman? As you may recall that statue was made from a perfect mold of my body.
And the costume is an exact plaster duplicate of yours.
Precisely, Robin.
This theft may be the first step in some diabolical imposture of myself.
Gosh, if we only had some clue.
There is one, Boy Wonder.
We found this freshman beanie, size 6 and seven-eighths, at the scene of the outrage.
Can you trace it? There are approximately 5700 male freshmen enrolled for this semester at GCU 3127 of them wear a size 6 and seven-eighths beanie.
It's a start.
May I see the beanie in question, Chief O'Hara? - Robin? -Yes, Batman? Do you see what I see? Depends.
What do you see? A single strand of red hair.
- A clue? -Could be a vital clue, Commissioner Gordon.
I've just perfected an electronic hair Bat-analyzer which may hold the key to this baffling question.
Let's go, Robin.
NARRATOR".
And in the basement of the Eta Beta Lotka sorority house adjoining the GCU campus I gotta hand it to you, Catwoman.
Hiding us out in a sorority house was a stroke of genius.
Yeah.
Who'd ever think of looking for men in an all-girls house? -Ha, ha.
There's no time for self-aggrandizement.
There's work to be done.
- To be done.
Cornell, have at it.
-Right, Catwoman.
Thank you very much ladies and gentlemen, for all your applause but I don't really deserve it.
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen, for all your applause but I don't really deserve it.
If I hadn't heard Batman with my own ears, I wouldn't have believed it.
That's quite good, Cornell.
Just clear your throat and you'll be perfect.
Ha.
Ah.
Yes, that ought to do.
Mm.
I'll try it on for size.
It's time for class.
Oh, listen, fellas.
Make sure you return that statue.
I want them to think it was a simple-minded prank.
Ha-ha-ha.
Come on, Penn.
Batman is guest lecturer today and we wouldn't wanna miss any of his pearls of wisdom.
Penn where's your beanie? I I must have lost it somewhere.
Brown, lend him yours.
You cut class.
Catwoman.
You're under arrest.
You almost gave me cataplexy.
Ha! I've created a monster.
Ha, ha.
Oh, well.
If I can't tell the difference, who can'? I still think it's pretty fishy, Batman.
Catwoman taking Elementary Criminology.
I agree, Robin.
Better keep our eyes peeled.
Good day, students.
I'll begin by remarking that criminology, like other sciences has made remarkable strides over recent years.
Batman's right, students.
We catch more crooks in our Batcave anti-crime lab than in the field.
For example, last night a certain statue was purloined right here at Gotham City U.
This beanie was found at the scene of the crime.
There was one strand of red hair caught in the fabric.
I have microscopically analyzed it and here are my findings.
From this single strand of hair I've been able to determine that the man is 6 feet, one-and-three-quarters inches in height is 36 years old, has flat feet, wears glasses speaks in a deep voice and suffers from hay fever.
Help.
What do I do? Cheese it.
I'll set off the bell with my remote-control Cat-radio.
Pardon me.
Batman.
Okay.
Okay.
Now, if all you students will just clear away Batman and I would like to be alone.
What makes you think so, Catwoman? Ooh.
I just thought it would be so amusing.
It would be the first time you weren't trying to arrest me and I wasn't trying to murder you.
Very well.
Just a second while I retrieve my beanie, my hair, my tweezers, and my notes.
It gets fishier all the time, Batman.
Did you happen to notice how the bell rang two minutes after the class began? Of course.
She's up to something, Robin.
I'm merely playing along with it.
I'll bet every female criminal in America would swap her time off for good behavior just to change places with me.
- I'm flattered.
-Mm.
As soon as I graduate I'll be coming to you for a job.
What I want most in life is to work side-by-side with you, Batman.
That job is filled.
Oh, Robin.
Well maybe by that time he'll be all grown up and on his own.
I can't tell you how happy I am about your change of heart.
You seem to have lost all the egotism that once marred your great beauty.
Batman? - Batman, we've been framed.
-What? I just heard over the radio, someone who looks exactly like you has been positively identified as having robbed a supermarket.
Well, at least that explains the curious theft of that statue.
Don't move, you costumed-kook.
We've got you covered.
You're under arrest for knocking off a supermarket.
Who the heck are you? Name's Courageous.
Captain Courageous.
Just arrived here from Los Angeles under the police-exchange program.
Holy Hollywood, an out-of-towner.
That's why he doesn't know who Batman is.
You say I've been identified as a criminal? Twenty witnesses.
What's your alibi? I've been here all morning sipping a soda with Catwoman.
- He was.
I'll swear to that.
-Ha! Who's gonna take the word of a 50-time loser? Slap the handcuffs on him, boys.
Here's a dime.
Call Commissioner Gordon.
Sorry, sonny.
Only one phone call allowed.
- To his lawyer, if the kook has one.
-That's right.
Go ahead and make the call.
Your lawyer? The number's in the phone book under the firm name of Alfred and Alfred.
All right, let's get going.
Yes, Chief O'Hara.
I just heard there's to be a spontaneous demonstration in Chimes Square tonight.
Well, now, who's demonstrating and what for? The students at Gotham City University intend to loiter.
And what's more, Catwoman is the loiter leader.
Catwoman? Assign every man you have to the Gotham Whiteway at dusk.
Yes, sir.
- Batman? -Yes.
My card.
Serge Tort, attorney-at-law.
Specialist in felonies, misdemeanors, and over-time parking tickets.
Uh, sit down, Mr.
Tort.
It appears that someone has been masquerading as me, Mr.
Tort.
But I'm innocent, you have my word.
Oh, I'm sure you are, Mr.
Batman.
But there is nothing more damaging than eyewitness testimony.
Good luck, sir.
Think the disguise will work? Let's hope so, Alfred.
Guard.
Let me out, please.
Ah, Captain Courageous.
How was the first day on the job? Not bad.
Not bad, Commissioner Gordon.
I captured a desperate criminal today.
Wonderful.
Who was it? Some joker calls himself Batman.
Batman? You ninny.
Release him and release him fast.
But-- But-- But-- You do very clever impressions of a motorboat, captain.
- Get moving.
-Yes, sir.
- Hello? -This is Commissioner Gordon.
- I'd like to speak to Mr.
Wayne, please.
-Yes, just a moment.
Bruce.
It's Commissioner Gordon.
Thank you, Aunt Harriet.
- Hello, commissioner.
-I just thought you'd be sorry to learn that Catwoman intends to lead a sit-in tonight in the heart of Chimes Square, Mr.
Wayne.
I'm certain there's some illegal reason behind it.
You're her parole officer, aren't you? I guess I haven't done a very good job, commissioner.
Still, I must award you an E for effort.
Goodbye.
Commissioner, the Batman's escaped.
Tied up a lawyer and walked out in disguise.
Ha-ha-ha.
Good old Batman.
No jail can hold him, not even ours.
He's probably at the Batcave already.
You'll learn soon enough not to doubt the masked manhunter.
Yes, commissioner.
You're calling to tell me about Catwoman's latest peregrinations.
Incredible.
I just heard about it myself.
How do you do it? It's my job, commissioner.
I must stay at least two steps ahead of each criminal.
We'll be at Chimes Square tonight.
Holy crystal ball.
How'd you know the Batphone was gonna ring? Elementary.
I'll explain on the way down.
To the Batpoles.
We have yet to determine Catwoman's ultimate scheme.
Let's program the Bat-calendar and see what's transpiring in Gotham City this fine day.
I'm sure we'll find the answer to her plot here.
There's a prize cat show at Gotham City Square Garden.
The opening of the Feline Fur Salon on the Avenue of the Armenians.
A rock 'n' roll concert by The Lions & the Tigers at Spayed Stadium.
And the Batagonian cat's-eye opal sale at the offices of the Forever Jewel Company.
I'm afraid we have our work cut out for us, Robin.
To the Batmobile.
Every year on this date the Batagonian cat's-eye opal people arrive in Gotham City to sell their jewels.
Cat's-eye opals? They're bad luck.
Pish-tosh.
That's a superstition not grounded in fact.
Anyway, they're worth millions.
- We gonna steal them? - Naturally.
I've discovered where the showroom sale is.
It'll be cat's play.
Yeah, but what about Batman and the police? As per my plan, Batman is languishing in some jail.
Ha, ha! And the befuddled police will have their gloves full just clearing those misguided students off the streets.
You've come up with a beaut, Catwoman.
Yes.
Yes, I really have.
Cornell, go and get the Cat-illac and bring it round.
We're gonna transform Chimes Square into Crime Square.
NARRATOR".
And that night, in Chimes Square on the Gotham City Whiteway There's only one way for us to get our rights.
We must let the world know about them.
Students everywhere will thank us for what we are about to do tonight.
Are you ready? Yes! Go to it! Go back, students.
Go back.
Aww.
Go back to your homes and hearths.
Can't you see she's trying to lead you down a thorny path? Batman? I thought he was in jail.
I'm afraid that aside from his many other attributes Batman is probably the world's greatest escape artist.
No matter.
I have something infinitely more fiendish in mind for him.
To the elevators.
NARRATOR".
Moments later, atop the Gotham City Chimes Building Catwoman deploys her forces in the blinking light of the Crespie's Coffee mechanical billboard.
Well, citizen, to what do we owe the pleasure of this visit? I was hoping to revive my TV show, People Are Funny but I can't seem to find any unusual people in Gotham City.
No, this is just an ordinary, fine, upstanding metropolis.
Not many weirdos.
- Any particular types in mind? -Oh, someone perhaps with a strange costume.
Mm.
No, most of those characters like Joker, Penguin, King Tut are safely locked up.
Maybe somebody with a dual identity or a unique approach to a problem.
I'm climbing the walls looking for them.
I wish we could help you.
But we're just a couple of ordinary crime fighters going about our mundane business.
I see.
Well, thank you for your interest.
Maybe I'll give up the whole idea.
Too bad.
It's a great show.
Costume? Dual identity? Climbing the walls? Hey, Batman.
They should have been here by now.
- Here we are.
- In the flesh.
Oh, Catwoman.
Catwoman, will you never learn? Men! Two obstacles stand between me and you and a life of splendor and plenty.
Eradicate them.
Batman.
Batman.
Get them.
You had your chance, Catwoman, but you blew it.
You're a blot on the name of Gotham City University.
When the students find out what kind of a person you really are they'll hate you for forever.
Nobody loves me.
There, there, Catwoman.
It'll be all right.
Can I use my cat-kerchief? I'm ruining my eyeshadow.
Of course.
Fools.
Don't they know that tears are a woman's most effective weapon? Batman.
Batman, wake up.
What are you doing? I've flavored the coffee in this peculator with a dash of sulfuric acid.
Once a minute, the peculator pours its contents into the cup.
So if you get that searing feeling in your stomachs, it won't be heartburn.
It'll be all burn.
Holy caffeine.
And best of all, everybody will see you go up in smoke.
Look.
You have a perverted sense of the dramatic, Catwoman.
You're absolutely right.
Brown, throw the switch.
You have one minute.
Bye-bye.