Batman (1966) s02e56 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
When last we saw the Caped Crusaders they were trapped in Black Widow's giant cobweb about to be bitten by two deadly Black Widow spiders.
Are the heroes headed for that great Batcave in the sky? In scant seconds, the answer will be yours.
Batman, he's almost on me.
He is a she, Robin.
Only the female of the species is venomous.
And mine is almost upon me also.
I've freed my right hand.
Now if I can just reach the mini charge in my utility belt.
I've got it.
Brace yourself for a shock of 5000 volts, Robin.
We'll be stunned for a split second.
But the cobweb will act as a conductor, and the spiders will be electrocuted.
- Hurry, Batman.
She's ready to bite me.
-Now.
Good going, Batman.
I thought we were dead ducks.
I'm sure Black Widow thinks we're dead bats about now.
What was that exit line of hers? Something about "My lieutenants and I are going to tunnel into my vault.
" Tunnel, that's how most crooks get into vaults.
But into her own vault? And she couldn't have gotten far.
She's left the Black Widow Cycle here.
This must be it.
And two for me.
Two for you.
And two for me.
Two for you.
I wouldn't grow too attached to all of that if I were you, Black Widow.
For heaven's sake, look who's here.
You didn't count on us, did you, you sophisticated but evil woman? As a matter of fact, no.
But how fiendishly clever of you.
And how handsome you are, Bat-doll.
Watch out for a trick, Batman.
Don't worry, Robin.
She won't catch us off guard this time.
You needn't try to short circuit our brains, Black Widow.
We're still wearing our anti-short circuit Bat-brain electrodes.
Batman, I've lost one of my electrodes.
Bad luck, old chum, but perhaps I can pull off a bluff.
No amount of UHF short circuiting can affect the brain of either Robin or me.
Are you definitely wearing your electrodes, darlings? - Definitely.
-Definitely.
Marvelous, because I've reversed the polarity on my brainwave short circuiter.
Just an added little precaution.
And with the electrodes on, you've had it.
You, she-devil.
Have you short circuited Batman's brain? No cause for alarm, Robin.
I feel fine, just fine.
You see, Robin baby.
Now be a good little Boy Wonder and do just as I say.
No, I will not submit to your treachery! Trap Door, sweetie pie, you're needed.
Wrap up Robin, my boys.
Ah! Very good, kiddies.
You're learning the business.
Ha-ha-ha.
Now, is there anything I can do for you, Black Widow? As a matter of fact, there is.
I have a perfectly devastating idea.
Masked Muscles, you go back through the tunnel into my main web and have a little drink to the latest development.
Ha, ha.
- How does that grab you, doll? -Fine.
- Could we take Robin along too? -But of course.
No Robin, no Dynamic Duo.
- N'est-ce pas? - Ha, ha.
Now, I imagine Robin is getting a bit heavy? Boys, I'm sure the Bat-doll would like to get rid of him.
Better tie him up.
Well, Bat-doll, perhaps you would like some champagne? I never touch spirits.
Have you some milk? Milk? Oh, yes, yes.
Oh, maybe Trap Door has some.
Trap Door, have you got any milk in there? Thank you.
- Perhaps you'd like to mix your own.
-Thank you.
Delicious milk.
Well, now, my dear, this may come as a surprise to you but I have a little problem.
You, Black Widow? I thought business was good.
Business is boring.
I've completely run out of banks to rob.
I've run through them all.
Now, that's where you may come in handy.
Me? How? Well, everyone's heard about your Batcave and everyone's heard about your Batcomputer in your Batcave.
Oh.
You want me to get the Batcomputer to give you a bank to rob.
Precisely.
Do you think that you could send for it? We don't have to send for it.
I have right here in my Utility Belt a remote control Batcomputer oscillator.
Oh, heh.
- How convenient.
How does it work? -Simple.
I just press this button and it activates the radio frequency Bat-generator.
- And I just talk to it? -No, I talk into it.
It wouldn't recognize your voice.
Now, question: ls there any bank in Gotham City which Black Widow has not robbed? My word, wherever he is Batman must be operating his remote control Batcomputer oscillator.
Ah.
Here we are.
The just-opened Heritage First National Bank.
How perfectly lovely.
Ha-ha-ha! Again? It must be adding something.
Wait a minute, it's sending a further message.
- What is, darling? -Here.
"Seen with Black Widow.
Batman's life in great danger?" Oh, it really seems as if your criminal career is over even before it starts.
But I am certainly not going to risk your life.
Let's take the gamble.
Batcomputer's known to be wrong when it's elected to go off on its own, right? Ah, ha, ha.
No, but I have a brilliant idea.
Tarantula, go upstairs, get Grandpa off his rocker and bring him down here quickly.
Batman, you wouldn't by any chance happen to have an extra Batsuit just kind of lying around, would you? Oh, yes, as a matter of fact, we do.
Lovely.
Lovely.
Now, Tarantula, I want you to bring my makeup kit and I want you to make Grandpa to look exactly like Batman and I will make myself up to look exactly like Robin.
Now, look here, darling, I want you to call the manager of the just-opened Heritage First National Bank.
You may use my Web Phone.
Try it.
NARRATOR".
While Black Widow hatches her plot, at Commissioner Gordon's office I don't know what he's doing behind that mask of his but at least there haven't been any bank robberies in quite a while.
- That's a good sign, isn't it, Chief O'Hara? -A very good sign.
Caped Crusader probably has Black Widow under lock and key at this very minute.
- Commissioner Gordon.
-This is Irving Irving at the just-opened Heritage First National Bank.
- Yes, Mr.
Irving.
-I just had a call from Batman.
He wants me to take $40,000 in a brown paper bag to the front of the bank at exactly 11:43 this morning.
-Well, that sounds odd, Mr.
Irving.
He says the Batmobile will be parked there.
And he's arranged for Black Widow to meet him and they will split the money.
Oh, well, then do it by all means.
- Thank you for calling, Mr.
Irving.
- All right, commissioner.
Ha! Apparently, Batman is springing a trap on Black Widow.
That's good.
Are you sure you're gonna be able to drive the Batmobile from the passenger side? Perfectly, Tarantula.
What time is it, doll? Exactly 11 :37.
Got to run, sweetheart.
Keep an eye on the Dynamic Duo.
While my Batman and Robin do their stuff.
Ta-da, darling.
Well, Chief O'Hara, Black Widow's caper should be just about over.
And I should be hearing from Batman now.
Yes, right on schedule.
Why isn't he calling on the Batphone? Commissioner Gordon.
Ah, ha-ha-ha.
Ro-- Robin did what, Mr.
Irving? Oh.
Thank you for calling, sir.
Yes, we'll get out a bulletin right away.
Glory be, commissioner.
What's wrong? The just-opened Heritage First National Bank has just been robbed.
- By Batman and Robin.
-Saints preserve us.
Yes, indeed, saints preserve us if the Caped Crusaders have gone crooked.
Which apparently they have.
Mr.
Irving could hardly have dreamed that this happened.
Chief O'Hara, I want an APB to all units for the arrest of Batman.
Hopefully alive, but we'll take him the other way if we have to.
Attention all units.
Be on alert for Batman.
First name unknown.
Caucasian.
Height: 6'2, wearing purple trunks, purple cape, purple cowl and a black bat insignia on his chest.
He has a masked accomplice whose alias is Robin.
Approach with caution.
They may be armed.
I hate to do it, Caped Crusader, but I have to take you in.
You're on the wanted list.
My gun's pointed at you, Caped Crusader.
Don't make me use it.
Think Batman is afraid of you, Copper? Go on and shoot.
I dare you.
What's happened to you, Boy Wonder? Even your voice has turned snarly.
None of your business, Flatfoot.
Now, go ahead and shoot, because you'll never take us alive.
Batman, I'm giving you three to get out of the car with your hands up.
One.
Two.
Three.
I couldn't have missed at such close range.
I've killed Batman! Red six on a black seven! I certainly don't wish to be rude but normally the game of solitaire requires only one player.
Ha, ha.
Oh, come on, Batman, cheat a little.
Or it ain't no fun! Why don't you two kibitzers go outside and wait for Black Widow? - All that loot.
Sure.
-Yes.
Trap Door! Come on.
Batman.
- Who untied you? -I untied myself.
- Was that wise? -Yes.
And I want you to do me a favor.
- What? -Sing a song for me.
- Loud.
-Oh.
All right.
Ahem.
- How about some Gilbert and Sullivan? -Fine.
Ha, ha.
I'm called little Buttercup Dear little Buttercup Though I could never tell why A little louder.
But still I'm called Buttercup Pool little Buttercup Sweet little Buttercup, I Robin? What's happening? Batman, I want you to come with me later today and rob a bank.
Robin, don't even joke about such a thing.
Have you lost all your sense of judgment? Holy reverse polarity, I did it! I got you out of Black Widow's clutches! Of course, I knew what I was doing but with my cerebrum short circuited I couldn't stop myself.
You sit down here, Robin.
I'll retie your hands and pretend that my brain is still short circuited.
Sure and it's a dark hour in Gotham City, commissioner.
Yes.
But I was faced with the decision and I had to make it.
How will we be breaking the news to the people? We'll tell them the truth.
Batman was shot and killed when he and Robin Robin? No doubt he's gone into hiding.
Most likely in the Batcave.
Maybe I can talk to him.
Get him to surrender.
So no more of the Dynamic Duo's blood will be spilled on the streets of our fair city.
I'm sorry, sir.
Batman is not here.
I know that.
- We've lost the Caped Crusader.
-Lost? One of our officers was forced to shoot Batman.
And the Boy Wonder has become one of Gotham City's ten most wanted men.
Boys.
Is he there hiding out? No, I'm afraid not, sir.
But-- But isn't it possible that a mistake has been made? No mistake was made.
Why? Well, it's a long and rather involved story, sir.
You see, earlier today, Batman activated the Batcomputer via his remote control Batcomputer oscillator.
Remote control? I took the liberty of getting some information from the, uh, Batcomputer myself.
Batman activated the computer from, uh, "411 Larva Drive.
" -411 Larva Drive.
-Larva Drive.
Sounds like a good place for Black Widow's hideout.
Thank you.
We'll get on it right away.
Get some men and some squad cars, and let's go.
I'm back, boys.
Well, now, after a brief encounter with the law and a quick change in the lady's lounge-- Oh, Grandpa's back too on the porch.
Guess what I have in this tiny little bag.
- More stolen money? -What else? Oh, Batman, you were out of this world.
And, of course, I was adorable as baby Boy Wonder.
Robin's pretty good as a Boy Wonder too.
You bet I am, Batman.
Let's get them.
Now, what did I do with that silly short circuiting device? You mean, what did I do with it, you obsessed woman.
Black Widow.
First of all, Robin and I will wanna return all the stolen moneys to banks A through H.
What a perfect idea.
- And secondly-- Batman.
Oh, it's really you.
In cape and cowl, commissioner.
Why? - I'll explain later, but thank heaven.
- And this is Black Widow.
So you're the she-devil who's been robbing us out of house and home.
Oh, you must be Chief O'Hara.
What a delightful surprise.
Why don't you ask her if she'd like to go along to jail with you, Chief O'Hara? Oh, don't ask.
My heart says no but my brain says yes, love.
I feel it's my responsibility to tell you that you have the constitutional right to consult with your attorney before answering any questions.
-Ah! But I want to answer his questions.
Sweetheart, I cannot tell you how much you remind me of my dear departed Max.
- You'd better come with me, Black Widow.
-Thank you.
Goldberg, you take care of the rest of them.
I can't wait to see how it turns out, angel.
If it really looks good, I'd love to have you come over every day and give me a wash and set.
Why don't we have a look? Ah! Fantastic.
Absolutely fantastic.
And only Batman knows for sure.
Batman there's a question I got to be asking you and the Boy Wonder.
Yes, chief? With all the crime that you and Robin should be out fighting how do you find time to come here and fix Black Widow's coiffeur? Those aren't hair dryers, Chief O'Hara.
They're Bat Wave Brain Analyzers, which Robin and I have slightly rewired.
Oh, you mean you're not really fixing their hair? Right.
What we're doing is decriminalizing them.
It may take months of treatment, but we feel it's worth a try.
If we can permanently short circuit the bad streaks in them we will make honest useful citizens out of those spidery crooks.
Chief O'Hara, do you realize what time it is'? I'm famished.
Please bring me a menu, doll.
And don't forget the wine list.
You heard the lady, chief.
Get a menu.
Yes.
Yes, ma'am.
A menu and a wine list.
I'll see if I can locate them.
Divine, darling.
Absolutely divine.