Batman (1966) s02e57 Episode Script

NARRATOR".
A picturesque day in Gotham city.
Even more picturesque than usual.
And in one of the many picturesque art galleries where culture-loving Gothamites gather Are you interested in purchasing the painting, sir? Not for myself.
But my employer, millionaire Bruce Wayne is very interested in acquiring an original Muzzy.
Oh, you don't say.
Well, then perhaps you'd like to meet the artist himself.
- It would be a pleasure.
-No sooner said than done.
This way.
- Mr.
-- -Alfred will do.
Mr.
Alfred, allow me to present Mr.
Oliver Muzzy, beloved American artist.
It's an honor.
Hey, this an outrage.
An outrage against art.
An insult, I say.
Oh, ha-ha-ha! Ugliness, monstrosity, horribility.
Ha, ha.
Look at that.
You call that art? And this thing.
Pah! Disgusting.
Oh, ho, ho.
And this, worse and worse.
Oh, this ugliness must be destroyed.
Ha, ha.
Down with ugliness.
Away with dullness.
Take this.
Take this and that.
Ha-ha-ha! Take that.
Take that.
Fiend.
Monster.
I'd appreciate your mentioning it to Mr.
Wayne at once.
- All right, Alfred.
I'll tell him right away.
-Thank you, madam.
Take that, take that and that.
Aunt Harriet.
Oh, Bruce, Alfred just called from the Park gallery.
He's found a painting he thinks you'll be very interested in.
- Mm-hm.
-it's called, uh, "The Laughing Man.
" Well, that sounds very interesting, Aunt Harriet.
Dick and I will go down and have a look at it now.
Oh, I do hope you like it, Bruce.
- The Laughing Man? -That's Alfred's way of telling us that one of Gotham City's arch villains is at Park Gallery right now.
Holy tip-off, Joker.
Exactly, and I think you better continue your education at the Park Gallery as Robin.
To the Bat-poles.
What happened to the signs, Bruce? Alfred removed them to put a new coat of paint.
Good old, Alfred.
- Batman.
Thank heavens.
-Unh! Stay back, you caped clunk-heads or I'll turn you into a paisley shawl.
From the stains on your gun barrel, I'd say you're using very soft bullets these days.
Ugh.
Internal injuries.
I'm going to die.
I hope you do, you finagling fiend.
Batman, did you see what he did to the pictures? Priceless works of art destroyed forever.
Think of the loss to posterity and the loss to my profits.
Yes, the damage is irreparable.
But at least you can be sure the Joker won't be doing any more decorating for a long time.
He's destroyed the work of America's most beloved artists.
Shut up, you bubbling buffoon.
I have been trying to paint this modern stuff for years.
I could never get the hang of it.
All I could ever draw is stupid looking farm boys and puppy dogs.
Now this, ha, ha, this is art.
Mr.
Joker, let me congratulate you.
Your work is magnificent.
Holy hoaxes.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, well, excuse my appearance, Mr.
Muzzy but, yes, these uncultured boobs have no appreciation for fine art.
Obviously.
By the way, Mr.
Joker, would you consider sharing the credits for those paintings? - After all, mine are underneath.
-Why not? Ha, ha! A 50-50 split.
I mean co-authorship.
Oh, thank you, thank you.
Peasant.
Philistine.
Ha-ha-ha.
Well, what can you expect from a man who appears in public in such a ridiculous outfit? There, Batman, now you're wearing an original Joker, signed by the artist.
Ha-ha-ha! Come, boys.
Let's leave this zoo full of bourgeois baboons.
And henceforth, Batman, stay out of art galleries, hmm? Ooh, ha-ha-ha! Are we just going to let him walk out of here? We have no choice, Robin.
He's committed no crime.
As a matter of fact, he's increased the value of these paintings.
I think we should discuss this with Commissioner Gordon.
The nerve of that clown.
Paint all over your shirt.
Batman, you should have cracked his pate for him.
His damage to me is unimportant, Chief O'Hara.
What concerns us is his potential damage to Gotham City.
I'm sure Joker has some larger scheme of which this only the first step.
You're right, Batman.
That crook has something up his sleeve besides his elbow.
I'd suggest putting some extra guards at all the museums, commissioner.
What about some of the valuable private collections? Right, Boy Wonder.
You keep them under close surveillance, Chief O'Hara.
I'll watch over them like a mother hen, commissioner.
That's about all we can do until Joker makes a move.
To the Batcave, Robin.
I'm sorry about not having a clean costume, sir.
I meant to wash them, but I've been so busy trying to get the Bat-poles repainted.
First things first, Alfred.
Batman, there's an interesting notice in the current issue of the Gotham City Art News.
Mm.
That is interesting.
- Yes, commissioner.
- A bit of news, Batman.
Believe it or not, the Joker has been invited to enter the Gotham City International Art Contest.
Yes, I just found out about it myself.
I plan to have 50 plainclothesmen at the contest, Batman.
That's likely to put Joker on his guard, commissioner.
Perhaps it would be wiser to plant just one man there.
Preferably a man who knows Baby Jane Towser the wealthy young socialite who organized the contest.
Yeah, I've got it.
Bruce Wayne, the millionaire philanthropist.
He's cooperated with us many times in the past and travels in the same social circles as Towser.
Excellent idea, commissioner.
I suggest that you call Mr.
Wayne immediately and apprise him of the situation.
Right, Batman.
Why is Joker entering that contest? Especially since they're not offering a cash prize.
NARRATOR".
And so the next day at the Gotham City Art Center Ladies and gentlemen before we begin Gotham City's International Art Contest I'd like to introduce the five world famous artists who are competing.
The renowned Spanish artist, well known for his pink and blue periods Mr.
Pablo Pincus.
I'm sure you all know our American artist, Mr.
Jackson Potluck.
The noted Italian artist painter of the world famous fresco Midnight Snack Leonardo Davinsky.
And the Dutch artist, founder of the Neo Gamon School of Art Mr.
Vincent Van Gauche.
And now, finally, Gotham City's own entry in the art contest the Joker.
How can they clap for that crook? Don't forget, Dick, this is a hometown crowd and Joker is from Gotham City.
The artists have three minutes to complete a painting.
At the end of that time, the judges will select a winner and award the grand prize.
Ready, artists? On your mark, get set Modern art tends to be rather unrestrained, Dick.
- Unrestrained? -Yes.
Governor Stonefellow should declare this place a disaster area.
-Isn't it magnificent? -Glorious.
Joker, the time is almost up and you haven't started your painting.
Started? My dear, I've almost finished.
Oh, yes, every line in place, every color balanced.
Just needs one more little touch.
Now, gentlemen, let us consider the works of these marvelous artists.
Interesting use of color.
A fine example of, uh, neorealism.
Ah.
Excellent harmonic composition.
A fine study in abstract.
What is that? My painting is titled, Death of a Mauve Bat.
Where is the bat? Well, the bat, gentlemen, is dead.
It died in 1936, a very bad year for bats.
Of course, the bat is dead.
It's symbolic.
Symbolic of what? The emptiness of modern life.
What else? Gentlemen, come with me.
There's absolutely no doubt about who the winner is.
- I kind of like what the monkey did.
-I think our decision should be unanimous.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm very pleased to announce that the winner of the Gotham City International Art Contest is the Joker.
Joker's painting, Death of a Mauve Bat will hang in an honored place in the Gotham City Museum.
- I don't believe it, Bruce.
-As winner of the grand prize I would like to announce the opening of a new school for aspiring artists where I personally will instruct my students in the secrets of modern art.
Yes, applications for the Joker Art Institute are now being accepted by my assistants.
Sorry, millionaires only, please.
I want to be the very first student in your art school you big hunk of genius, you.
Well, of course, my dear.
Your filthy rich daddy is several times a millionaire, I believe.
Oh, yes, I'm the heiress to the paperclip fortune, you know? Oh, well, sign right here, please.
I begin to see Joker's plan.
He wins the contest so he can start an art school.
In which he enrolls only millionaires.
In which case, he should welcome millionaire Bruce Wayne as a student.
Joker, I'd like to enroll in your new art institute.
Well, if it isn't billionaire, Bruce Wayne, the wealthy philanthropist.
Consider yourself enrolled.
Aren't you going to give me a test to see whether I have talent? Oh, the rich, the well-born and the able, Mr.
Wayne, all have talent.
Especially the rich.
We're getting a good strong signal from that homing device Bruce has in his pocket.
The Bat-radarscope indicates that he's at Location RIP-478.
- Please check that on the Batcomputer, Alfred.
-Very good.
Location RIP-478 is a building on Eleanor Place.
Bruce is carrying a miniature Bat-communicator under his jacket lapel.
He'll let us know if Joker tries anything.
Good morning, dear students.
Good morning.
My, but it's good to see you all working so diligently.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, we are a happy cheery group, aren't we? Oh, today's lesson is in still-life sculpture.
I shall walk around you and give you my criticism as you work.
Oh, very good, Mrs.
Putney.
Very good.
Oh, but this orange is not quite right.
Oh, Joker, that's not an orange.
It's a pear.
Oh, but of course, Mrs.
Putney.
Of course.
Ha-ha-ha.
Well, keep up the good work.
Ooh, ha, ha! Well, you're making splendid progress, Mrs.
Van Dormer.
Yeah.
Ew.
Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, yes, now stick to it.
Stick to it.
Well, now, barbed wire is the medium of the future, Mrs.
Runcilmeyer.
But that is no way to make a banana.
Now that is a banana.
Baby Jane? Baby Jane? - How do you like my work? -Oh, fine.
First rate.
Fruitiest sculpture I ever saw.
But I'm not sculpting the fruit.
I'm sculpting you.
- Me? -Didn't you recognize it? Oh, but of course I recognize it.
Ha-ha-ha.
I just didn't realize I was so handsome.
Ew.
Well, that's terrible.
Terrible, Wayne.
Why, even a 3-year-old could do better than that.
Here, let me show you.
- Oh, there.
That's more like it.
Ha, ha.
-Yes, I see what you mean.
That's about the level of a 3-year-old.
I do the jokes around here, Wayne.
I'd say that was one of your better ones.
Oh, you're very funny, Wayne.
But the joke's on you.
Come in, boys.
No heroics, Wayne, or the women might get hurt.
I should have known someone like you would hide behind the women.
- Joker, how could you? - Ah, tut, tut, my dear.
We artists should not be judged by ordinary standards.
We're a very special breed.
You're a special breed, all right.
Oh, button your lip, Wayne, or you'll be buttoning your shroud.
You'll all be happy to learn ransom notes have already been sent to your families.
You each own a valuable renaissance art collection which will be delivered to me in exchange for your lives.
Tie them up.
Something's wrong, Alfred.
It's not like Joker to go this long without trying some underhanded trick.
- Yes, commissioner? - Oh, Boy Wonder? I'm afraid we've put our friend, Bruce Wayne, in terrible danger.
Joker's kidnapped the art class and sent out ransom notes.
- We don't even know where he's holding them.
-Holy hostage.
I think Batman and I can find him, commissioner.
- Will you need help? -We can handle it.
If the police show up, innocent people might be hurt.
Something must have happened to Bruce's Bat-communicator, Alfred.
I'd better get down to Joker's studio right away.
You stay here and watch the Bat-radarscope in case Joker moves while I'm en route.
I'll take the emergency Bat-tunnel.
It comes out on Highway One and I can catch a bus to Gotham City.
Your families had better send the loot pretty soon or you'll all find yourself at the bottom of the river.
Even me, Joker? Oh, I'm sorry, my dear, but business is business.
Mm.
And as for you, Wayne, I hope your family doesn't deliver.
I'd enjoy dropping you in the drink.
Ha-ha-ha! I hope you're better at that than at painting.
Oh, you go too far, Wayne.
You go too far.
- Joker.
-What? The nerve of that rich smart aleck, thinking he could match wits with me, the Joker.
- Why ain't Batman here, Joker? -Because he's afraid of me, you dolt.
Yes, I knew the day would come when his spine would turn to Bat-jelly.
Yes, I'm only sorry he isn't here to enjoy a special surprise I cooked up for him.
Yes.
But Bruce Wayne will do as a substitute.
I'm beginning to dislike him as much as Batman.
My newest artistic creation, the Mobile.
Too bad that chicken-hearted Batman isn't here to die on it.
Batman is no more afraid of you than he is a flea.
And I know Batman well enough to be sure of it.
Ah, no use trying to alibi for him.
The Caped Crusader has turned Cowled Coward.
Yes.
Ha-ha-ha.
And you'll soon discover that the Mobile is very mobile.
Yes.
As soon as I leave here, I will activate a motor that will start it rotating.
Yes.
Let's see how long you can dodge these razor sharp palette knives, Boy Bumpkin.
Holy hamburger, I'll be cut to pieces by these blades.
Stay with it, old chum, while I try to loosen these ropes.
But by the time you're free, there'll be nothing left of me.