Anger Management s02e64 Episode Script
Charlie Has a Threesome
Okay, guys, about 45 more seconds.
What the hell's this supposed to prove? I told you, it's an anger exercise.
If you get angry, you lose focus, the table will become unbalanced, and somebody takes a bowling ball in the face.
Well, in that case, I am going to stay focused on aiming the ball right at Ed's head.
What's going to make us angry anyway? I'm going to start insulting you.
Nothing personal.
Just completely random insults.
So when does that start? You'll see, you unmotivated, pot-smoking man-child.
Okay, I'll wait.
That was an insult, you brainless moron.
Hey, hey, hey.
Let's keep it positive, you ancient, redneck hillbilly.
( laughs ) You think that's going to-- oh, damn! It's headed right for my head.
Patrick, stop it! How much longer, Charlie? My arm's hurting.
Just 10 more seconds, you self-centered, unemployed gold-digger.
- ( Nolan screams ) - ( bowling ball thuds ) How come she got mad and I got hit by a ball? Because this is a very faulty exercise.
That was a cheap shot, Charlie.
You know, I don't even have a job.
I can't pay my rent.
The other day, I had to borrow money from my maid.
Did you consider not having a maid? You don't understand.
She's not just my maid.
She's also my psychic.
And she said that I'm going to have my maid for a very long time.
Oops.
I didn't realize group was still going on.
You left your laptop at the office.
Oh, thanks.
I'll need this.
I'm going to write an article for "Psychology Today" called "Therapy Games That Help No One.
" All right, all, I'll see you all next week.
Hey, Lacey, Jordan, would you mind sticking around for a second? Sure, what's going on? Well, Jordan, I was thinking that maybe you could help Lacey get a job.
( gasps ) Oh, Charlie.
I'm flattered, but I don't want to do what she does.
It makes you dress boring.
No offense.
Today you look really good.
Well, Jordan, what do you think? Well, despite what Lacey just said and the face she just made, I'd love to help her with her résumé.
So do you have your résumé with you? I don't really have one.
I've only had two real jobs.
I was a sales girl at Sephora and a pharmaceutical rep.
I wouldn't list the last one, though, because I got fired for assaulting my boss.
We can say, "Isn't afraid to challenge management.
" I hit him in the head with a brick.
"Aims high.
" This is hopeless.
I'm just going to do something like - I don't know, sell my eggs.
- What? That's a huge moral and ethical decision to make.
You can't just sell your eggs.
Fine, but will you still send me a copy of your résumé so I can use it as an example? Absolutely.
But don't be intimidated by my accomplishments.
Rome wasn't built in a day, you know.
Even though Caesar said it was on his résumé.
( both laugh ) Well, Sasha, I must say that your chicken cordon bleu was a big success.
It was my aunt's recipe.
My uncle never missed a meal in 45 years.
Can I ask you a favor? I have a friend from Chicago who needs a place to stay for a while while she looks for a job in LA.
We used to be escorts together, but she just graduated from culinary school.
Culinary school? I don't think she's going to like the way we treat the food around here.
Come on.
It'll only be for a couple of days.
You'll really like her.
She has a great sense of humor.
All right.
It's fine, really.
Just tell her to come on over.
( doorbell rings ) I might have already done that this morning? I wonder if she had dinner.
I guess I could throw some more chicken on the floor.
Her name's Jenna.
She's really fun and she's great in the sack.
- Wait a second.
Pardon me? - Oh, yeah.
Guys used to hire the two of us, so I know her really well.
Oh.
Well, at least while she's living here, I won't be thinking about that.
- Jenna.
- Sasha.
- And this is Charlie.
- Hello.
Hi.
He is so much cuter than you said he was.
Right.
Yup, I'm thinking about things.
So how long is this other girl staying? Just a few more days.
She's looking for a job in LA.
That's awesome.
- So how's the three-way? - What? Are you kidding me? Come on, I saw her.
She is smoking hot and she used to be an escort.
You can't waste this.
There are people starving in China for three-ways.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
China is now a economic powerhouse which means everyone can afford a three-way.
Listen, you got to make this happen, all right? You have two smoking hot, down-for-anything chicks.
I'm sorry.
Two smoking hot, down-for-anything ladies.
People forget you're a woman when you're a bartender and over 40 and always on top.
Do you think Sasha would be into it? Well, I'm sure they both would if I asked, but I don't want to take that chance with Sasha.
I don't want to blow what we have.
Three-ways don't blow anything.
They're the most efficient form of sex.
You're making more people happy in less time.
No, no, no.
Somebody's feelings always get hurt or somebody doesn't get enough attention or somebody yells out, "Amber" and there's nobody in the bed named Amber.
Sasha? Oh.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Good.
We are going to bed early.
Yeah.
We all are.
We all? Yeah, we all.
Are you okay with this? There are a whole bunch of reasons not to do this but I can't remember one of them right now.
Let's go.
( both giggle ) Oh, Ms.
Jordan, is Charlie around? He's taking the morning off, Cleo.
Can I help you with something? Oh, well, I was going to talk to him about what I think about you.
So this is going to be awkward.
Why don't you talk to me about what you think of me? Oh, no.
You would not understand.
Is it possible that you're just trying to kill time outside your cell by telling the guard you need to see the psychologist? Oh, no.
I would never do that.
That is crazy.
You crazy.
That's crazy.
Shh.
He gonna hear you.
- ( cell phone chimes ) - One second.
Hello? You're confirming my appointment for what? I'm not selling my eggs.
How did you get this number? It was on my résumé? Lacey.
What time? Damn right I'll be there.
Oh, Ms.
Jordan, would you like me just to stay around here and man the phones while you're gone? No, that's against the rules.
What is it with this place and all these rules? Rules, rules, rules.
I said it before and this time I mean it-- I would like to go home.
Hey, want to hit the batting cages? I really shouldn't.
I've had a lot to drink.
What's happening here? A little breakfast in bed? Three of everything.
I know what's going on.
You're binge eating again, aren't you, Charlie? Stop eating your emotions.
- Let me.
- No, don't, don't, don't.
That's for Sasha and Jenna.
You did it, didn't you? Yes, I did.
And I did.
And they did.
And then I did.
There's a bunch more dids in there.
It got a little confusing towards the end.
So how was it? Did anything go wrong? No, no, no.
Everything was cool.
I mean, there was one weird moment.
Somebody started crying, right? Somebody always starts crying.
You didn't start crying, did you? Nobody cried.
But every time I looked at Jenna, she was staring at me with this super intense look.
Like she really wanted me or something.
Yeah, of course she did.
I mean, she was having sex with you.
No, I think she's really into me.
Like she wants to connect.
I think she wants something more than just a threesome.
- You mean like a foursome? - No, a twosome.
But how's a twosome more than a threesome? Emotionally more.
Just show me the look.
- I'm not going to show you the look.
- Show me the look.
All right, fine.
Yeah, she's in love with you.
I think I am, too.
What are you going to do? I'm going to take her out to lunch and talk to her.
I don't want this thing to be awkward.
Boy, big problem for you.
Good luck with it all.
I'm going to grab some cereal and get out of here.
No, no, don't.
There's just enough for me and the girls.
You got to lose this chick.
She's ruining everything.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Sorry I'm late.
I just came from an interview at a restaurant.
That's great.
And? Well, it was a seafood place with one of those tanks filled with live crabs.
Turned out it was imitation crabmeat formed into the shape of crabs.
The bubbling ornaments kept them moving.
Wow, that is so not a good restaurant.
I hate when they make the food pretend it's alive.
So what's up? Look, maybe it was just my imagination, but the other night when we were all together, I caught you staring at me.
Yeah, that wasn't your imagination.
( chuckles ) I understand.
There's something about me that attracts women.
I don't know what it is-- charisma, good looks, intelligence.
- ( laughs ) - You know, I was prom king three years in a row at a high school I didn't even go to.
You're a very attractive man.
Shh.
Don't make this harder.
The point is, nothing can happen between us because Sasha's the one I really want to be with.
Yeah, me, too.
I'm sorry, what? I've always liked Sasha.
But after seeing her with you, I realized I want her all to myself.
So then, why were you staring at me? I was hoping that if I looked at you hard enough, your head would explode.
I'm starting to get the feeling that you're not in love with me.
Look, you're a super nice guy and I really appreciate you letting me stay with you while I'm in town, but I'm sorry, I'm going to have to destroy your relationship.
What are you going to do, stare at it until it explodes? Please.
Your stares are lame.
Stop that.
- Sasha.
- Yeah.
I just had drinks with Jenna.
I got to tell you this fast before she gets here.
What is it? She told me that she's really in love with you and she's going to try to break us up.
Come on.
She was just kidding.
I told you she has a great sense of humor.
She wasn't kidding.
She came this close to exploding my head with her eyes.
Charlie, we're friends.
It's just because I gave her all those orgasms last night.
Hey, hey, hey.
I like to think I was the one that loosened the pickle jar.
- ( car door shuts ) - Oh, hey, guys.
How's it going? Jenna, Charlie doesn't get your sense of humor.
What do you mean? He took you seriously when you said that you were in love with me.
Oh, wow.
I guess we're going to talk about this.
Okay, I was serious.
You were? I've never had the courage to tell you before, but I love you.
I've always loved you.
- I want you to be mine.
- Oh.
Have my babies, bitch.
- ( scoffs ) You! - ( laughing ) ( chuckling ) I have no idea what was funny about that.
She was just screwing with you.
See, this is what she does.
I told you she has a great sense of humor.
And great is very subjective.
Well, you know what? I guess I believed you because Sasha's so wonderful and I figured that anybody would want her.
But that sociopath character you created was a-- well, that was a riot.
You are so sweet.
Now I'm going to run out and get some limes for those margaritas.
( laughs ) - I still want her.
- You don't say.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Are you here to buy some eggs? - Um, yes, we are.
- Oh, cool.
Because I'm selling my eggs and they're totally fresh and they came from a teeny-tiny little farm inside my body.
I'm just kidding.
I am very smart.
- Here's my résumé.
- We'll think about it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- There you are.
- Jordan, what are you doing here? I was trying to help you get a job and this is how you repay me? - By stealing my résumé? Give me those.
- No, they're mine.
- See, my name's on it.
- Yeah, but that's my phone number.
If it's really your résumé, then where did you go to high school? - Don't look.
- I don't have to look.
Where did you go to high school? I went to McKinley.
What does that have to do with anything? Because I went to McKinley.
Look, it says it right here.
How can you live with yourself doing something like this? Because with my looks and your brains, we can make a fortune.
We? If you let me use your résumé, I'll split my egg money with your 80/30.
That's not what a star mathlete would say.
- Lacey.
- We read your résumé.
We love it.
We want your eggs.
That's my résumé.
All you'll get from her is a baby that's devious and vain.
I don't know what this woman is talking about.
And if babies didn't have veins, they would die.
I know this because I'm a doctor.
You know those crazy, desperate women who read about prisoners in the newspaper and start sending them creepy love letters? I finally got me one of them.
Well, congratulations, Wayne.
I couldn't be more weirded out for the both of you.
Thank you.
But lately, we've been having some problems.
She wants a key to your cell and you're just not ready for that kind of commitment? No, I missed her birthday and someone else sent her flowers.
I sent her three packs of cigarettes a week later.
Talk about too little, too late.
Guys, love triangles are tough whether you're in prison or not.
For example, my girlfriend Sasha just invited another girl to join us for a threesome.
( all booing, hissing ) Charlie, your problems make me want to kill myself before the state does.
Okay, okay.
I know that my life sounds like an endless parade of fun and women-- which is kind of is-- but I found out that this other girl is in love with Sasha and is trying to drive me out.
I see.
The French has a name for this kind of problem.
It's called "le problemo de la bangarama.
" This Sasha chick sounds amazing.
If you don't want this other girl to steal her away, you should lock Sasha down.
What do you mean, like marry her? I was thinking lock her down with a chain or something.
But if you want to marry her, sure, that might work, too.
Well, one of you has a doctorate, and we want that egg.
We'll pay you $30,000.
- That's my doctorate.
- This is crazy! It's my doctorate.
In addition to the doctorate, I also have this hair.
And if breasts are important to your toddler, may I direct your gaze here? Okay, this has gone far enough.
- She's a fraud.
- She's an alcoholic.
She's got ADD.
She's an alcoholic.
Did I already say that? Now who do you believe? Okay, this is obviously yours.
We'll take your eggs.
Thank you.
In your face.
Let's do this.
What the hell am I doing? I'm not selling my eggs.
Hey, mister, we both know this is your last chance to have a hot kid.
Well, there she is.
How was your interview, Chef Boy-are-you-a-bitch? Where's Sasha? I don't know.
I've been playing "champong" with myself.
I'm kicking ass.
Check it out.
I am on fire.
Don't you have too many cups? I've adjusted the rules so I can't lose.
I've dealt with enough disappointment today.
Oh, really? What happened? You'll enjoy this.
But if you want to know, you have to play.
Whatever.
Rejected.
Like me.
What are you talking about? Sasha and I are over.
I proposed to her and she said no.
So whatever you said to her about me worked.
Oh, I forgot to throw a ball.
Wow.
That didn't take long.
I was prepared to talk smack about you for months.
Months? You prepared enough smack about me for months? I could see a couple of weeks of smack, but months? I downloaded an app just to make notes.
I organized it and everything.
Oh, look, it's in alphabetical order.
A: arrogant.
B: beyond arrogant.
C: completely arrogant.
Is this all you had? Look at F.
Oh, no.
That's not nice.
By the way, you're not gonna get her either.
Really? What makes you so sure? Because that girl does not want to commit to anybody.
You don't know her like I do.
She's in love with me, too.
She just hasn't realized it yet.
Hmm.
Sasha.
Have you heard enough? I can't believe I trusted you.
I can't believe how good I am at champong.
By the way, that's real champagne.
I am completely hammered.
That was really nice you having sex with me just now.
Wow.
Considering all the dirty things you said in the last hour, that was unexpectedly polite.
I'm just saying that because in that little story you told, when you asked me to marry you, I turned you down.
Well, then maybe this was revenge sex.
And I don't know why we brought a third person into our bed.
It doesn't get any better than this.
Yeah.
Jenna was a mistake.
So you never want a threesome again? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I have a whole list of other people.
Really, it's just everybody but her.
What the hell's this supposed to prove? I told you, it's an anger exercise.
If you get angry, you lose focus, the table will become unbalanced, and somebody takes a bowling ball in the face.
Well, in that case, I am going to stay focused on aiming the ball right at Ed's head.
What's going to make us angry anyway? I'm going to start insulting you.
Nothing personal.
Just completely random insults.
So when does that start? You'll see, you unmotivated, pot-smoking man-child.
Okay, I'll wait.
That was an insult, you brainless moron.
Hey, hey, hey.
Let's keep it positive, you ancient, redneck hillbilly.
( laughs ) You think that's going to-- oh, damn! It's headed right for my head.
Patrick, stop it! How much longer, Charlie? My arm's hurting.
Just 10 more seconds, you self-centered, unemployed gold-digger.
- ( Nolan screams ) - ( bowling ball thuds ) How come she got mad and I got hit by a ball? Because this is a very faulty exercise.
That was a cheap shot, Charlie.
You know, I don't even have a job.
I can't pay my rent.
The other day, I had to borrow money from my maid.
Did you consider not having a maid? You don't understand.
She's not just my maid.
She's also my psychic.
And she said that I'm going to have my maid for a very long time.
Oops.
I didn't realize group was still going on.
You left your laptop at the office.
Oh, thanks.
I'll need this.
I'm going to write an article for "Psychology Today" called "Therapy Games That Help No One.
" All right, all, I'll see you all next week.
Hey, Lacey, Jordan, would you mind sticking around for a second? Sure, what's going on? Well, Jordan, I was thinking that maybe you could help Lacey get a job.
( gasps ) Oh, Charlie.
I'm flattered, but I don't want to do what she does.
It makes you dress boring.
No offense.
Today you look really good.
Well, Jordan, what do you think? Well, despite what Lacey just said and the face she just made, I'd love to help her with her résumé.
So do you have your résumé with you? I don't really have one.
I've only had two real jobs.
I was a sales girl at Sephora and a pharmaceutical rep.
I wouldn't list the last one, though, because I got fired for assaulting my boss.
We can say, "Isn't afraid to challenge management.
" I hit him in the head with a brick.
"Aims high.
" This is hopeless.
I'm just going to do something like - I don't know, sell my eggs.
- What? That's a huge moral and ethical decision to make.
You can't just sell your eggs.
Fine, but will you still send me a copy of your résumé so I can use it as an example? Absolutely.
But don't be intimidated by my accomplishments.
Rome wasn't built in a day, you know.
Even though Caesar said it was on his résumé.
( both laugh ) Well, Sasha, I must say that your chicken cordon bleu was a big success.
It was my aunt's recipe.
My uncle never missed a meal in 45 years.
Can I ask you a favor? I have a friend from Chicago who needs a place to stay for a while while she looks for a job in LA.
We used to be escorts together, but she just graduated from culinary school.
Culinary school? I don't think she's going to like the way we treat the food around here.
Come on.
It'll only be for a couple of days.
You'll really like her.
She has a great sense of humor.
All right.
It's fine, really.
Just tell her to come on over.
( doorbell rings ) I might have already done that this morning? I wonder if she had dinner.
I guess I could throw some more chicken on the floor.
Her name's Jenna.
She's really fun and she's great in the sack.
- Wait a second.
Pardon me? - Oh, yeah.
Guys used to hire the two of us, so I know her really well.
Oh.
Well, at least while she's living here, I won't be thinking about that.
- Jenna.
- Sasha.
- And this is Charlie.
- Hello.
Hi.
He is so much cuter than you said he was.
Right.
Yup, I'm thinking about things.
So how long is this other girl staying? Just a few more days.
She's looking for a job in LA.
That's awesome.
- So how's the three-way? - What? Are you kidding me? Come on, I saw her.
She is smoking hot and she used to be an escort.
You can't waste this.
There are people starving in China for three-ways.
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
China is now a economic powerhouse which means everyone can afford a three-way.
Listen, you got to make this happen, all right? You have two smoking hot, down-for-anything chicks.
I'm sorry.
Two smoking hot, down-for-anything ladies.
People forget you're a woman when you're a bartender and over 40 and always on top.
Do you think Sasha would be into it? Well, I'm sure they both would if I asked, but I don't want to take that chance with Sasha.
I don't want to blow what we have.
Three-ways don't blow anything.
They're the most efficient form of sex.
You're making more people happy in less time.
No, no, no.
Somebody's feelings always get hurt or somebody doesn't get enough attention or somebody yells out, "Amber" and there's nobody in the bed named Amber.
Sasha? Oh.
Hi.
- Hey.
- Good.
We are going to bed early.
Yeah.
We all are.
We all? Yeah, we all.
Are you okay with this? There are a whole bunch of reasons not to do this but I can't remember one of them right now.
Let's go.
( both giggle ) Oh, Ms.
Jordan, is Charlie around? He's taking the morning off, Cleo.
Can I help you with something? Oh, well, I was going to talk to him about what I think about you.
So this is going to be awkward.
Why don't you talk to me about what you think of me? Oh, no.
You would not understand.
Is it possible that you're just trying to kill time outside your cell by telling the guard you need to see the psychologist? Oh, no.
I would never do that.
That is crazy.
You crazy.
That's crazy.
Shh.
He gonna hear you.
- ( cell phone chimes ) - One second.
Hello? You're confirming my appointment for what? I'm not selling my eggs.
How did you get this number? It was on my résumé? Lacey.
What time? Damn right I'll be there.
Oh, Ms.
Jordan, would you like me just to stay around here and man the phones while you're gone? No, that's against the rules.
What is it with this place and all these rules? Rules, rules, rules.
I said it before and this time I mean it-- I would like to go home.
Hey, want to hit the batting cages? I really shouldn't.
I've had a lot to drink.
What's happening here? A little breakfast in bed? Three of everything.
I know what's going on.
You're binge eating again, aren't you, Charlie? Stop eating your emotions.
- Let me.
- No, don't, don't, don't.
That's for Sasha and Jenna.
You did it, didn't you? Yes, I did.
And I did.
And they did.
And then I did.
There's a bunch more dids in there.
It got a little confusing towards the end.
So how was it? Did anything go wrong? No, no, no.
Everything was cool.
I mean, there was one weird moment.
Somebody started crying, right? Somebody always starts crying.
You didn't start crying, did you? Nobody cried.
But every time I looked at Jenna, she was staring at me with this super intense look.
Like she really wanted me or something.
Yeah, of course she did.
I mean, she was having sex with you.
No, I think she's really into me.
Like she wants to connect.
I think she wants something more than just a threesome.
- You mean like a foursome? - No, a twosome.
But how's a twosome more than a threesome? Emotionally more.
Just show me the look.
- I'm not going to show you the look.
- Show me the look.
All right, fine.
Yeah, she's in love with you.
I think I am, too.
What are you going to do? I'm going to take her out to lunch and talk to her.
I don't want this thing to be awkward.
Boy, big problem for you.
Good luck with it all.
I'm going to grab some cereal and get out of here.
No, no, don't.
There's just enough for me and the girls.
You got to lose this chick.
She's ruining everything.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey.
Sorry I'm late.
I just came from an interview at a restaurant.
That's great.
And? Well, it was a seafood place with one of those tanks filled with live crabs.
Turned out it was imitation crabmeat formed into the shape of crabs.
The bubbling ornaments kept them moving.
Wow, that is so not a good restaurant.
I hate when they make the food pretend it's alive.
So what's up? Look, maybe it was just my imagination, but the other night when we were all together, I caught you staring at me.
Yeah, that wasn't your imagination.
( chuckles ) I understand.
There's something about me that attracts women.
I don't know what it is-- charisma, good looks, intelligence.
- ( laughs ) - You know, I was prom king three years in a row at a high school I didn't even go to.
You're a very attractive man.
Shh.
Don't make this harder.
The point is, nothing can happen between us because Sasha's the one I really want to be with.
Yeah, me, too.
I'm sorry, what? I've always liked Sasha.
But after seeing her with you, I realized I want her all to myself.
So then, why were you staring at me? I was hoping that if I looked at you hard enough, your head would explode.
I'm starting to get the feeling that you're not in love with me.
Look, you're a super nice guy and I really appreciate you letting me stay with you while I'm in town, but I'm sorry, I'm going to have to destroy your relationship.
What are you going to do, stare at it until it explodes? Please.
Your stares are lame.
Stop that.
- Sasha.
- Yeah.
I just had drinks with Jenna.
I got to tell you this fast before she gets here.
What is it? She told me that she's really in love with you and she's going to try to break us up.
Come on.
She was just kidding.
I told you she has a great sense of humor.
She wasn't kidding.
She came this close to exploding my head with her eyes.
Charlie, we're friends.
It's just because I gave her all those orgasms last night.
Hey, hey, hey.
I like to think I was the one that loosened the pickle jar.
- ( car door shuts ) - Oh, hey, guys.
How's it going? Jenna, Charlie doesn't get your sense of humor.
What do you mean? He took you seriously when you said that you were in love with me.
Oh, wow.
I guess we're going to talk about this.
Okay, I was serious.
You were? I've never had the courage to tell you before, but I love you.
I've always loved you.
- I want you to be mine.
- Oh.
Have my babies, bitch.
- ( scoffs ) You! - ( laughing ) ( chuckling ) I have no idea what was funny about that.
She was just screwing with you.
See, this is what she does.
I told you she has a great sense of humor.
And great is very subjective.
Well, you know what? I guess I believed you because Sasha's so wonderful and I figured that anybody would want her.
But that sociopath character you created was a-- well, that was a riot.
You are so sweet.
Now I'm going to run out and get some limes for those margaritas.
( laughs ) - I still want her.
- You don't say.
Excuse me.
Hi.
Are you here to buy some eggs? - Um, yes, we are.
- Oh, cool.
Because I'm selling my eggs and they're totally fresh and they came from a teeny-tiny little farm inside my body.
I'm just kidding.
I am very smart.
- Here's my résumé.
- We'll think about it.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- There you are.
- Jordan, what are you doing here? I was trying to help you get a job and this is how you repay me? - By stealing my résumé? Give me those.
- No, they're mine.
- See, my name's on it.
- Yeah, but that's my phone number.
If it's really your résumé, then where did you go to high school? - Don't look.
- I don't have to look.
Where did you go to high school? I went to McKinley.
What does that have to do with anything? Because I went to McKinley.
Look, it says it right here.
How can you live with yourself doing something like this? Because with my looks and your brains, we can make a fortune.
We? If you let me use your résumé, I'll split my egg money with your 80/30.
That's not what a star mathlete would say.
- Lacey.
- We read your résumé.
We love it.
We want your eggs.
That's my résumé.
All you'll get from her is a baby that's devious and vain.
I don't know what this woman is talking about.
And if babies didn't have veins, they would die.
I know this because I'm a doctor.
You know those crazy, desperate women who read about prisoners in the newspaper and start sending them creepy love letters? I finally got me one of them.
Well, congratulations, Wayne.
I couldn't be more weirded out for the both of you.
Thank you.
But lately, we've been having some problems.
She wants a key to your cell and you're just not ready for that kind of commitment? No, I missed her birthday and someone else sent her flowers.
I sent her three packs of cigarettes a week later.
Talk about too little, too late.
Guys, love triangles are tough whether you're in prison or not.
For example, my girlfriend Sasha just invited another girl to join us for a threesome.
( all booing, hissing ) Charlie, your problems make me want to kill myself before the state does.
Okay, okay.
I know that my life sounds like an endless parade of fun and women-- which is kind of is-- but I found out that this other girl is in love with Sasha and is trying to drive me out.
I see.
The French has a name for this kind of problem.
It's called "le problemo de la bangarama.
" This Sasha chick sounds amazing.
If you don't want this other girl to steal her away, you should lock Sasha down.
What do you mean, like marry her? I was thinking lock her down with a chain or something.
But if you want to marry her, sure, that might work, too.
Well, one of you has a doctorate, and we want that egg.
We'll pay you $30,000.
- That's my doctorate.
- This is crazy! It's my doctorate.
In addition to the doctorate, I also have this hair.
And if breasts are important to your toddler, may I direct your gaze here? Okay, this has gone far enough.
- She's a fraud.
- She's an alcoholic.
She's got ADD.
She's an alcoholic.
Did I already say that? Now who do you believe? Okay, this is obviously yours.
We'll take your eggs.
Thank you.
In your face.
Let's do this.
What the hell am I doing? I'm not selling my eggs.
Hey, mister, we both know this is your last chance to have a hot kid.
Well, there she is.
How was your interview, Chef Boy-are-you-a-bitch? Where's Sasha? I don't know.
I've been playing "champong" with myself.
I'm kicking ass.
Check it out.
I am on fire.
Don't you have too many cups? I've adjusted the rules so I can't lose.
I've dealt with enough disappointment today.
Oh, really? What happened? You'll enjoy this.
But if you want to know, you have to play.
Whatever.
Rejected.
Like me.
What are you talking about? Sasha and I are over.
I proposed to her and she said no.
So whatever you said to her about me worked.
Oh, I forgot to throw a ball.
Wow.
That didn't take long.
I was prepared to talk smack about you for months.
Months? You prepared enough smack about me for months? I could see a couple of weeks of smack, but months? I downloaded an app just to make notes.
I organized it and everything.
Oh, look, it's in alphabetical order.
A: arrogant.
B: beyond arrogant.
C: completely arrogant.
Is this all you had? Look at F.
Oh, no.
That's not nice.
By the way, you're not gonna get her either.
Really? What makes you so sure? Because that girl does not want to commit to anybody.
You don't know her like I do.
She's in love with me, too.
She just hasn't realized it yet.
Hmm.
Sasha.
Have you heard enough? I can't believe I trusted you.
I can't believe how good I am at champong.
By the way, that's real champagne.
I am completely hammered.
That was really nice you having sex with me just now.
Wow.
Considering all the dirty things you said in the last hour, that was unexpectedly polite.
I'm just saying that because in that little story you told, when you asked me to marry you, I turned you down.
Well, then maybe this was revenge sex.
And I don't know why we brought a third person into our bed.
It doesn't get any better than this.
Yeah.
Jenna was a mistake.
So you never want a threesome again? Oh, no, no, no, no.
I have a whole list of other people.
Really, it's just everybody but her.