Anger Management s02e65 Episode Script

Dude, check this out.
Yet another great idea for the strip club.
Guy walks in, rents one of these, sees a stripper that he likes, right? And boom! Makes it rain.
Awesome.
All I need now is a dollar vacuum for the strippers and the whole process is automated.
And you really think this is gonna move you up in the company? This is the tip of the iceberg.
Chew on this one credit card swiper right between the stripper's boobs.
Think about it, right? No cash, no problem.
Beep.
And if you get declined by the boobs, you can always try the butt.
"Try the butt.
" - So, we gonna do lunch today? - Sure.
- Pick me up at the club? - No problem.
Hey, listen.
Last time I was there, I was talkin' to one of your dancers No! Not allowed.
You don't even know what I was gonna say.
Yeah, you wanna ask her out, bring her back to your house, and have all kinds of sex with her? Well, not necessarily.
Her house is always an option.
Strippers aren't allowed to date customers, man.
I'm sorry.
Especially not one of my friends.
Are you kidding me? I'd get my ass handed to me.
Even though you invented the blow-your-wad cannon? I mean they can't fire a guy if he wins the Nobel Prize for science.
- Nope.
- All right.
Fine, fine.
But I gotta tell ya, for an inventor, you have very little imagination.
- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey.
What are you doing here? I am picking Sean up for lunch.
By the way, nice outfit.
I did not know that you were a veteran.
So we still on for tomorrow night? Ah, damn, sweetie, I'd love to, but Sean says it's against the rules.
Well what about my rule? The what what rule is that? That you and I are supposed to go out and have crazy sex all night long.
I I I didn't know that was a rule.
We can't break that rule.
No, we can't.
Otherwise, we'll get in trouble.
Well, I don't want to get in trouble.
I'm up for Strip Club Citizen of the Year.
I hear you get a key to something really nice.
So Sean's talking about putting the credit card swiper where? - Here.
- Hmm.
Ah, didn't read.
Would you mind pushing those together? ( chuckles ) You know, Sean has some pretty good ideas for the club, but honestly, I think I'd be a better manager.
Well, to your credit, you're really focused.
You don't quit until the job is finished.
- And your customer service is impeccable.
- ( Chuckles ) And I'm innovative.
What if we put the credit card swiper here? You know what the best part about this is? I'm gettin' airline miles.
Mm.
( sighs ) Charlie's not coming.
I say we should go ahead and eat.
Wait, maybe this is a test.
Maybe he's watchin' us on a hidden camera to see if we're talkin' about him.
( loudly ) Charlie is the best therapist ever.
And he would be the best, best therapist ever if he took us to Magic Mountain.
By the way, uh, thanks for pitching in for the food everyone who isn't Lacey.
Hey! I haven't worked in months.
People are too intimidated to hire a beautiful woman who won't work before noon or after 3:00.
Or on any of my blackout dates.
Those are the days after I party too hard and black out.
Have you even been looking for a job? Of course! I am always on the Internet looking for the right opportunity.
( Lacey gasps ) Ooh! Here's one.
"Millionaire bachelor spotted at Malibu AA meeting.
" Ooh! It's Vance Brandon and he looks adorbs.
So, instead of trying to make something of yourself, you're just trying to trap some rich fool into marrying you so you'll never have to work another day in your life.
Oh! I didn't realize you were making a toast.
Yes, to that! (sighs) Give me a beer and a Tequila Back.
And by "Tequila Back," I mean a bottle of tequila and stand back because I'm about to get crazy drunk.
Well, I've only got scotch.
Rough day at the office, dear? I got fired.
Today.
Fired.
My life is over.
If I'm not a strip club manager I don't know who I am.
Dude, that sucks.
You were born to do this.
I bet while all the other kids were trying to play tetherball, you were teaching the girls how to work the pole.
You'll never guess who they made the new manager.
One of the strippers.
Oh, was it that super hot girl that came out wearing the lab coat and the glasses? 'Cause she looked really smart.
No, that's Tiffany.
It was Kayla.
Kayla? Did they mention why they wanted to make her the new manager? Yeah, apparently she went to the owner with some "Brilliant Ideas" about how to improve the club.
Did they mention what any of those ideas were? No.
They couldn't have been any better than mine, right? No! No, no.
Absolutely not.
At best, they'd they'd be about exactly the same.
( knocks on door ) - ( TV mutes ) - Coming.
- Hi! - Hey.
- Mm.
- Thanks for stopping by.
Listen, I'm sorry about your friend losing his job to me, but I've gotta tell you, I've had an incredible day.
You mean the kind where you buy everybody drinks, then pay for it by swiping your card through somebody's ass crack? Did you steal Sean's ideas? Well, I may have used one or two as a launching pad.
A launching pad to what? To the rest of his ideas.
Kayla, this is not how you want to get ahead.
It's not dignified.
I am 29 years old.
How much longer do you think I can be a dancer? Well, if you've ever been to your club on a Tuesday night, I'd say 30 more years.
Ahem, listen, I've got an hour before I have to go home and get ready for work.
We can spend it with you bitching and moaning or just moaning.
No, no.
What you did was wrong.
So, if you don't tell your boss, I'm going to.
You come anywhere near my club and I'll have the bouncers all over you.
Oh, please.
I've known those bouncers for years and they're all my friends.
Especially Big Guy, Really Big Guy, and Freakishly Huge Guy.
Oh, I got rid of them.
Now it's Enormous Guy, More Enormous Guy, and Guy So Big He Ate the Guys You Knew.
Come on, man, there's tons of other opportunities.
Look at this.
There's managing jobs available at a bunch of strip clubs.
I mean they're kinda low-end.
"Perfect Sixes," "Strippers-For-Less," "Plain But Nude.
" See, the guy that I worked for had a chain.
He could afford to pay me decent money.
Why are you even doing this for me? Because I'm your friend and I'll do anything to help a friend.
( laughs ) Would you? What are you implying, Sean? That every time I do something nice for you, I'm making up for something I've done wrong? Yes.
Well, that's not the case this time.
Every other time, maybe, but not this time.
( sighs ) Before we start, does anybody know of a decent-paying job where you just kinda have to look cool and not be that smart? Good for you, Charlie, you know your limitations.
You're looking for a line of work that suits ya.
Actually, I'm asking for a friend of mine.
Oh, is he an irresponsible jerk who makes dinner plans and then doesn't show? No, he's very responsible oh, no, dinner.
Yeah.
Dinner.
I spent all day and night preparing a beautiful meal.
I am so sorry.
How was it? It wasn't that good.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, you're not the only ones that I screwed over.
( sighs ) I also got Sean fired.
Why would another person's suffering make me feel better? I don't know.
I'm sorry.
No, I'm asking because I really do feel better and I wanna know why.
Well, this woman that I was dating at Sean's place of employment.
Stripper at a strip club.
Go on ( sighs ) She stole Sean's ideas and then used them to take his job.
I need to speak to the owner and let him know what happened, but she's the new manager and won't let me anywhere near the place.
Stripper banned you from a strip club.
Go on.
Buddy of mine down in Texas, he ran a bar and they fired him.
Brought in a replacement and he started making changes Redneck ran a honky-tonk down in Hicksville.
Go on.
The customers complained so much that they rehired my buddy quicker than a somethin' somethin' on a hot somethin'-somethin'.
I I ah, hell, I'm tired.
Maybe we should do that for you.
We could pretend to be rednecks.
Oh, thanks, guys, but that would be an abuse of therapist-patient relationship.
That being said, if three "Regular guys" walked into the club and started complaining about how it was run, well, that that I could not control.
Yay! ( laughs ) We're goin' to a strip club! You should come with us, Lacey.
I can't go.
I'm pretending to be an alcoholic at some AA meeting to trap a millionaire.
Lacey's acting like a drunk in a room full of drunks.
Go on.
Patrick, stop it! I'm done.
Um, excuse me.
Is this the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting or the Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting? - Alcoholics Anonymous.
- Oh, good.
Because if I'm going to give up something, it's gonna be the booze.
You know what I'm saying? Hi, I'm Lacey.
Total alcoholic.
Just found out today.
I'm Vance.
Nice to meet you.
It was so shocking, really.
I was sunbathing this morning, topless, when I spilled a Mai Tai all over my chest and it drizzled down my glistening stomach into my unlaced bikini bottoms and I thought, ( gasps ) "I have a drinking problem.
" Wow.
Maybe we should get a coffee sometime.
- Let's talk after the meeting.
- Lacey: Okay.
- Lacey? - Jordan? Oh, my God.
You're an alcoholic, too? I knew you were a wreck from the moment I met you.
Thanks! Oh! Let's sit together.
We can be "Sobriety Sisters.
" Actually, I'm going to go sit next to Vance.
He's a drunken millionaire and I don't want him to sit alone.
Ever.
Oh.
I know what you're doing.
We can both sit next to Vance.
You can't date another person in the group until after you've had a year of sobriety.
Oh, I'm probably only going to need a day or two.
I'm only a little bit of an alcoholic.
Just mixed drinks and mimosas.
So, you made all your money in oil.
Yes, ma'am.
I've got oil wells all the way from Houston up to Amarill-a.
What about you? Are you in the oil business, too? Fer sure.
Interesting story I was in my back yard shootin' at some food, and my bullet went into the ground and all this bubblin' crude came up.
There's a couple more verses of how I got rich, but I can't remember 'em right now.
( chuckling ) Hey, guys, I just talked to one of the bouncers.
The owner's not gonna be here for another hour.
Oh, well, I guess we're going to have to sit here and entertain these beautiful young fillies with the stories about how we amassed our vast fortunes in the oil game.
If I stay here, it's gonna cost you a hundred dollars.
A hundred dollars? Honey, I'm not in the market for a bride.
- What are you guys doing here? - We're here to help you get your job back.
Yeah, Charlie felt really bad about what he did.
We're trying to make it right.
Oh, yeah.
What he did was really bad.
Just out of curiosity, how did he describe it to you guys? Well, why don't you tell us what he did? And then we will tell you if that's what he told us what he did.
Or you can just tell me and then I'll confirm it.
Okay.
He told, uh, your idea to some stripper he was screwing, then she took your job.
( chuckles ) I cannot wait to kill that son of a bitch.
What'd he tell you?! Hey, Vance! Oh, no.
I'm totally excited about our date.
Just a quick question I know you don't drink, but you still do hard drugs, right? Oh, good! No, me neither.
( chuckles ) See you in a bit.
- Jordan?! - Hey, Sobriety Sister! Oh, hey, girl! So good to see you.
You know what? I'll talk to you later.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
I thought I'd come stay for a couple days and make sure you don't get into any trouble.
Where ya goin' all dressed up like that? I'm going to a special AA meeting downtown.
It's for super cool people.
I'd love to take you, but obviously Hold on.
You're going to see Vance, aren't you? I told you, alcoholics have to be sober for a year before they can date each other, you horny little drunk.
Okay, look.
The truth is, I'm not an alcoholic.
The only reason I joined AA was to meet that millionaire.
And the only reason I joined is because I woke up alone in a Pittsburgh hotel room with no clothes and the word "Slut" written on the bathroom mirror in my own handwriting.
Now, how many open bottles of booze do you have in this apartment? I'm not an alcoholic.
You have got to stop saying that! If anybody believes that the only reason you're there is to hook up with Vance, they will kick you out.
( gasps ) I can't get kicked out! Because you're right! I'm a disgusting drunk who needs help.
( sobs ) That's better.
Hey, Charlie.
Hey! You guys are early.
Make it by the strip club last night? Uh, yes, and one of us I won't say which one Nolan.
Kind of spilled the beans when we ran into Sean cleaning out his office.
Okay, let's end the mystery right now.
It was me.
What? He's gonna kill me! Next time I tell you guys not to do something, do it right.
Sean's here.
I bet he's mad! I mean, I know I would be if I found out that way.
Good luck! ( softly ) Hey, Charlie.
Hey, Sean.
Look, about what happened ( stammering ) I just wanna apologize.
Hey, you had no idea she'd do that.
It's a compliment, really.
You thought my ideas were so great, you were bragging about it.
I get it.
Are you sure? Absolutely.
I just mixed up a fresh pitcher of lemonade.
Would you care for some? Lemonade, you say? That doesn't look like lemonade.
Oh, it is.
( stammers ) I I'd love some, but my doctor says I've been drinking too much lemonade.
Why don't you have some? I'd love to.
Ah! That is very good lemonade.
I better I better get to group.
Of course.
Before you go cigar? Let me guess, Acme brand? Don't be silly.
Shall I light it for you? Maybe later.
Of course.
Later.
Enjoy your group.
Who are these people? Someone just dropped them off.
They saw an ad at the free clinic for free anger therapy and free snacks.
Apparently, poor people like free stuff.
Sean.
This is his payback.
I'm sorry, guys.
I gotta get down to the club and find a way to talk to the owner.
Patrick, would you please make sure these people get something to eat, then send them on their way? Same deal for the homeless guys.
Hey.
Where the hell you goin'? I really need to see the owner.
- Not gonna happen.
- Okay.
No problem.
You guys are just doing your job.
It's like hitting a wall here.
You guys are big.
Who do you think would win in a fight? I would.
Whoa, whoa.
You believe this guy, challenging your masculinity like that? He's right.
He hits the gym more than I do.
You know, if you really want to lose some weight, you get the best results using the buddy system.
Would you do a thing like that with me? Of course I would! Working out by yourself is hard! You know, I say we start tomorrow Hey, we said you're not allowed to go back there.
The trick is to keep a "Food Journal.
" - I heard that.
- Yeah.
I really need to see the owner.
I'm the owner.
What's the problem? It's about your new manager, Kayla.
Those weren't her ideas.
Those were Sean's and she stole them.
Makes sense.
She never had ideas like that before.
Exactly! So you fired Sean because you thought Kayla was brilliant.
No, I fired Sean because I found out he was bangin' half the girls.
Don't I feel foolish? I don't think I've ever seen you this nervous.
Who's this guy you're waitin' for? - A millionaire.
- That's what they all say.
Then they get in their Put the drink down! You have a problem! Yeah, I have a problem.
I'm getting smothered by "Sober Companion Barbie.
" What's goin' on?! I'm trying to get her to stop drinking.
Put the drink down, Jordan.
One day at a time.
AA.
She was the one that was drinking.
The accusations, the anger, it's such textbook behavior.
Don't worry.
I'm going to be there for you every second.
So, do you want to go back to your place? Time! Time out! This doesn't lead to anything good.
Thanks for sharin'.
You know, maybe someday you'll do what I've done.
- What's that? - I've given all my money to the program.
You mean you've promised all your money to AA after you die.
No, I gave it all away last month.
That's why I live in a studio apartment in Encino.
You deceived me.
I can't be in a relationship with someone who lies to me unless they have a lot of money.
Goodbye.
Hey.
I just got back from the strip club.
Turns out I didn't get you fired.
What are you talking about? You got fired for bangin' the strippers.
Huh.
That makes sense.
Yeah, I can see how someone could twist that into a fireable offense.
So, you thought it was okay to have sex with the girls? You don't fire the guy at Baskin-Robbins for tasting the ice cream.
Dude, you had your sample spoon in every flavor in the place.
Chocolate, vanilla, half-Asian.
Ah, Charlie.
( sighs ) Why did God make strippers so hot? I don't know.
I don't know.
Greater minds than ours have pondered that question.
It's a big pony.