Anger Management s02e75 Episode Script

Charlie, stop.
I really have to go.
I thought Pis worked at night in the shadows.
We just got up.
It's like the crack of oh, crap, it's 11:00.
I have to get to work.
I will see you later.
In the meantime, you can work on solving the case of my missing panties.
Well, they've been missing since dinner last night.
Most cops will tell you if they don't come back within the first 12 hours, well, they're not coming back at all.
Hey, Charlie.
Hello, Maggie.
Hi, Jordan.
How's it going? Still betraying your clients? She didn't betray you.
It was an innocent misunderstanding.
Charlie, she double-crossed me and almost got me fired.
In order to keep my job, I had to spend four weeks in rehab for a heroin addiction I don't even have.
Hey, you got your job back and now we know you're not allergic to methadone.
Okay, I am gonna leave this to you.
Charlie, I'll see you later.
- Bye, Jordan.
- Maggie.
Ugh, God, I didn't need that today.
Sorry about that.
I didn't know she'd be here this late.
We had sex, like, three times this morning Charlie, I don't need to hear it.
Will you let me finish my apology? And it was fantastic.
So, is there anything I need to know before I get started with your group today? Well, Ed recently discovered the timeless classic, "That's what she said," so try not to open with, "Who wants to go first?" 'Cause I guarantee that'll be what she said.
- You okay? - I just found out that Sean took another job at a strip club.
Oh, is it the Distinguished Gentlemen Executive Prestige Club? 'Cause that place is basically a whorehouse.
No, it's the Shaved Fox.
Oh, that place is lovely.
A strip club is a really bad environment for a guy who has a history of cheating on his girlfriends with strippers.
From where he works.
Look, I know you're upset right now, so are you gonna be okay to go in there and handle my group today? Oh, yeah.
Yes, I'm fine.
I'm a professional.
And if I haven't said it enough, I really appreciate you trusting me with your patients while your license has been suspended.
Well, hey, you're doing a great job.
Look, Lacey just texted me the other day that she wishes that she'd gone to high school with you.
Yeah, she said she totally would have dumped blood on my head at the prom.
That's not true.
Oh, yeah.
"Dump blood.
" There it is.
I really should scroll all the way down when I read these things.
Go get 'em, sport.
Anger Management 2x75 Charlie Plays Hide And Go Cheat So, how's everybody doing today? That's what she said.
( Laughs ) Okay, Ed, Charlie told me about this and, well, you're kinda using it wrong.
That's what she said.
( Laughing ) Okay, actually that was better.
Moving on.
Nolan, why don't you start? Well, everything's okay except I don't know what I want to do with my life and, uh, every day I'm being crushed by the weight of each new failure.
Oh, and I got a new Xbox.
Does anybody have anything they want to add to this? - Yes, Lacey betrayed me.
- I did not.
That's not related, but it sounds more interesting.
Let's go with that.
What happened? Well, I was on a date with Akennedy Wow, a Kennedy? Which one? Oh, no.
Akennedy's his first name.
Akennedy Mambaso.
He's African.
Anyway, we're at the bar, everything's going great, and then this one shows up out of nowhere, mentions I'm in anger therapy, which puts a bullet right through my relationship with Akennedy.
I really wish I hadn't used that metaphor.
Sorry, the therapy thing just slipped out.
That's the thanks I get for helping her get a job.
Patrick helped you get a job? It's a one-time thing.
I'm gonna be a fully-clothed model in one of his art classes at fashion school.
Uh, that's not true.
She's posing for the artist, but she's gonna be a nude model.
I know what I want to do with my life.
I want to be an artist.
Patrick, this is exactly why I told you not to say anything.
Sorry.
It just slipped out.
That's what she said.
I I think I've got this thing now.
( Sighs ) Lacey, of all of the jobs in the world, why would you want to be a nude model? There's a lot of designers in that class, and if one of them becomes famous, I can be their muse or their beard or their new best friend who gets their Paris apartment when they wrap their new Lamborghini around a pole.
Do you realize that there are men in this class with girlfriends and wives, and if they see someone as hot as you bare-ass naked, shakin' what your mama gave ya, they'll hate what they've got at home? I'm just taking off my robe and sitting on a stool.
It's the same damn thing! Uh, Jordan, can I talk to you in the kitchen? I have a cooking question.
When you're making spaghetti and it goes crazy and starts screaming at people, what do you do? What's going on out there? Anger management therapists should not be the ones getting angry.
I wasn't angry.
I was discussing the pros and cons of Lacey posing naked like meat in a butcher's window when the butcher's wife is at home eating rice cakes just to lose a couple pounds before bathing suit season! My mistake.
I thought I heard yelling.
Dude, I just got a new job at a strip mall.
Oh, come on.
It's just a job.
You think I want to spend all my time around a bunch of hot, naked women with perfect bodies? No, I'd rather be with you.
Excuse me, I'm gonna go home and take a handful of laxatives.
Dude I'm not saying that you won't get laid tonight, but it's pretty much gonna be all about her.
You know, I've never seen Jordan lose it like that.
She's really convinced that Sean's gonna cheat on her.
Just so you know, you never have to worry about me getting like that.
Because you trust me.
Thank you.
No, because you'd never get away with it.
I'm a PI.
I catch guys who cheat for a living.
I'd always be two steps ahead of you.
Okay, okay, slow down there, Magnum.
Look, I don't wanna brag because I find this whole subject matter distasteful, but other than one little hiccup that cost me a house and half my money, I was a pretty good cheater.
I'm sorry, Charlie.
I know you think you're pretty clever, but I'm a professional.
I could outsmart you every time.
Wow, you're that confident that you're smarter than me.
Well, I guess there's only one way to find out.
Really, just one? 'Cause I can think of two, but go on.
Let's see if I can catch you.
If you can get a picture of you and a woman in any hotel room in the city by tomorrow night, you send me that picture before I find you, you win.
It's not gonna happen.
So you think that you can track me.
Well, guess what.
I'm not even here right now.
This is my Charlie hologram.
Really? Pretty impressive technology, huh? Here's your room, Rabbi.
Thank you, son.
Are you sure that nobody followed us up here? - Yes.
- Good.
'Cause it says in the Bible that "thou shalt not be followed into a hotel room.
" - There you go.
- Oh, no, no, I couldn't.
Especially because I have a religious question I'd like to ask you.
Um okay.
My uncle is a Hebrew teacher at our temple and he and I are having a bit of a disagreement.
Maybe you can settle it.
Aw, Jesus.
I'm sorry.
What is it? Where do you stand on the claim that the Rambam makes teshuva a prerequisite for Geulah? A wise man once said, "It is not you who should be asking questions of me, it is I who should be asking questions of you.
" Where's the minibar key? Hey, Charlie.
Whoa, look at you.
( Whispers ) Just get in here.
Up high, Rabbi.
Thanks for coming by on such short notice to take this photo.
- You're a champ, Lacey.
- Sure, no problem.
Wow, you are really going out of your way to win this thing.
Well, I had to make sure that Maggie didn't follow me, so that's why I paid for the rental car in cash and registered at two other hotels.
And wore the ZZ Top outfit? Yes, and wore the ZZ Top outfit.
I still don't understand why it's so important for you to outsmart this woman.
Ow! It just seems so whack.
Oh, it is very whack.
But I have to win.
All right, let's take this picture.
I gotta go.
I'm posing for Patrick's art class.
Oh, no, no, no.
We can't take the picture now.
We have to wait until exactly 8:00.
Okay, then change the time on the clock to 8:00 so we can take the picture now.
No, no, no.
I'm not gonna win by cheating.
Even when I was a baseball player, I never took steroids.
I mean, sure, I couldn't get the ball out of the infield, but I held my head high.
Unless they threw garbage at me from the stands.
Then I'd duck.
You're just gonna have to find somebody else.
But there's only one hour left.
Who am I gonna ask? - Did you ask Jordan? - I can't ask Jordan.
She's worried about Sean cheating on her, and if I ask her to help me win a cheating contest, she'll lose her mind.
( Sighs ) So, I'm, like, your only hope.
And you've done so much for me in the past.
- So you'll stay? - Oh, no.
Like I told you, I gotta go.
Hi, everybody.
I'm Lacey.
Nice to meet you.
Everything is real.
Follow me on Twitter.
Find me on Instagram.
Hi, sweetie.
- Hey.
- Nolan?! What the hell are you doing here? Patrick? I swear to God I had no idea he would do this.
I'm auditing the class.
I told you I decided what I want to do with my life.
I want to do whatever you call what these people are doing.
It's called fashion design, and you can never do it.
You don't have the talent.
Well, you gotta start somewhere, and I've never been more ready for anything in my life.
Can I borrow a pencil? Fine, you can stay.
But I'm warning you, you can't handle this.
Okay? It's like that "Raiders of the Lost Ark" movie.
When I open my robe, your face will melt.
Oh, please, I'll be fine.
As far as I'm concerned, you're only a series of angles, shapes, and shadows.
At least his face didn't melt.
( Knocking on door ) Hey, sorry to barge in like this, but you weren't answering your phone.
I'm in the middle of a fight with Sean.
Oh, well, I have a favor to ask you.
I have a favor to ask you.
This guy is a jerk.
That's not really a favor.
She still thinks that I'm gonna cheat on her.
Because you have a history.
Jeez, just because you sleep with one girl a week since I was 14 Why would you say that out loud? I'm kidding! Will you please tell him that cheating isn't funny? It's not a joke.
It's not a game.
Now what did you want to see me about? Well, it's definitely not about a funny, joking cheating game.
I got you guys a hotel room.
- What? - That's the favor I need.
I just want my two best friends to stop fighting.
It's tearing me apart.
So you got us a hotel room? Yes.
As a therapist, I know that couples cannot resolve an argument about fidelity unless they have fantastic makeup sex in a bed they've never had sex in before.
And room service.
I am a therapist and I have never heard of anything like that before.
Yeah, well, have you read every single study about fidelity argumentation in a non-married couple setting? Is that even a thing? You don't even know! How can you challenge me! Come on, Jordan.
What do you say? - I don't know.
- All right, Jordan's in.
Sean? It's crazy, but, honestly, I would try anything if it'll stop all this ridiculous fighting.
And I'll try anything to see Jordan standing in that hotel room smiling, happy, and in a healthy relationship.
A little before 8:00.
Let's go.
Nice.
Good.
What do you think, Mr.
Hornsby? I think you're much too worried about what I think.
You're right.
I think it's great.
If you think it's great.
Do you think it's great? - I kind of do.
- Thank you, but you don't matter.
Oh, my God.
Nolan: I know, it's not finished.
I was gonna draw me standing next to Lacey in front of our house with our kid playing in the yard.
"Hey, Lacey.
" "Yeah?" "I don't know why you're standing outside naked, but we had a boy.
" No, it's it's wonderful.
It's extraordinary.
Oh, please! This was an accident.
If you put a monkey in front of a canvas, eventually he's gonna paint the Mona Lisa.
A monkey painted that? That's why she had that smile.
She was looking at a monkey.
Okay, here we go.
So what do you think? You didn't have to walk us up to the room, Charlie.
You could have just given us the key.
But then I wouldn't have seen your faces when you saw the room.
Here it is, the room.
Here they are, our faces.
Bye, now.
You're kicking me out? It's not even 8:00.
You've got to give me at least a minute and 45 seconds to tell you about the room, maybe take a picture, and then I'll get going.
- A picture? - Yes, yes.
To capture the magic of the moment.
Have you seen this light switch? It turns on those two lamps all the way over there.
Look at this.
Huh? Huh? Look at that.
Huh? Charlie, we really appreciate this, but Sean and I could use some time alone to Boom! A robe.
Wait, wait.
You're not gonna believe this.
Boom! Another robe.
Yes, Charlie.
We've both been in a hotel room before.
Yeah, but have you ever seen one of these? A clock radio that charges your iPhone.
We gotta get a picture next to this bad boy.
In a minute.
Charlie, get out.
Get out, get out, get out.
Oh, my God.
This bed is amazing.
Ugh, no! Don't you know you're not supposed to lay on the bedspread? Do you have any idea what goes on in a place like this? All right, all right.
I'm going, I'm going.
Let me just get a picture for my scrapbook and then I'm gone.
- Your scrapbook? - Yeah, it's my new hobby.
I saw Jordan doing it and I thought, "Why am I drinking for fun when I could be scrapbooking?" ( Clicks ) Oh, nice.
Charlie got his creepy picture.
Now he can get going.
Okay, let me get one with just me and Jordan.
If this is going in your scrapbook, I want to fix my hair.
Your hair looks great! We gotta do this now.
( Clicks ) Okay, got it.
Now I just send this.
Okay, what the hell's going on here? - Give it back.
- I will give it back to you when you tell me what is going on.
Why are you sending this picture to Maggie? Maggie? We're in a competition over whether I can cheat on her or not.
And if I don't send that photo in the next 15 seconds, I'm gonna lose.
- Oh, sorry, dude.
- Thanks.
And send.
And I win! So this is all about proving how good of a cheater you are? Do you understand how sensitive of a subject this is for me? Yes, that's why I lied about it.
Because I respect you.
You are a horrible person.
Okay, okay, clearly this is a tense subject for you, so why don't you and Sean just put on your robes and crawl under this dubious comforter and I'll be on my way out? No, I'll be on my way out.
You go work at your strip club and you go accept your award for Cheater of the Year.
Where are you going? Home to make a scrapbook that celebrates dignity and fidelity.
Just so you know, I'm going after her and I'm probably gonna be trashing you quite a bit.
Do what you gotta do, bro.
- Hey.
- Hey, you made it.
What, you didn't think I'd show because you won the cheating contest? The cheating cont oh, that's right, I did win.
I almost forgot that I completely outsmarted a PI.
( Laughs ) In your face.
I'm breaking up with you.
Because I said, "In your face"? I didn't mean that.
It was just a more clever way of saying, "Ha-ha.
" I just don't feel comfortable being with a guy who I know could cheat on me if he wanted to.
But I don't want to.
Then why did you go through all the trouble trying to prove that you could? Because we were playing a game.
Trust me, when I actually cheat, I'm really sloppy.
You'd catch me in a heartbeat.
It's happened a million times.
So you've been caught cheating a million times? See? Sloppy.
I'll see you later, Charlie.
It was fun.
( Scoffs ) No, it wasn't.
You didn't have to run all over town looking for a beard to match your eyebrows.
It was a disguise.
I was trying to prove that I could cheat on her and she's just mad 'cause I won.
Well, congratulations.
Being the best used to mean something in this town.
So, I showed up at my mother's house last night, unannounced, and I said, "That's it, Mom.
We're through.
" We're done with the anger and the back-stabbing.
"I love you, Mom.
" Oh, my God, Patrick, that's wonderful.
That's because of you, Jordan.
You helped me find the courage inside myself.
Thank you, Jordan.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Charlie, did you hear that? Patrick had an incredible emotional breakthrough with his mother last night and he says it's because of me.
Well, great work, Jordan.
And, by the way, his mother's been dead for years.
I'm sorry.
That was wrong.
It's just I had a really rough day in art class yesterday and I needed some praise from an authority figure.
I'm glad you felt you could be so cavalier about damaging our budding therapeutic relationship.
Eh.
Any other lies you guys told Jordan that you want to cop to? - Nah.
- Nolan: No.
- No.
- Guys.
I didn't donate a kidney to an American Indian.
I didn't get a job at the Apple store.
I had an apple in a store.
And I didn't really think you looked cute today.
For some reason, that hurts the most.
Well, I think we should celebrate.
I got my license back today.
( Cheering ) And Jordan has done a fantastic job in my absence.
So, any final thoughts for the group? I want you guys to know that this has been a very enriching experience for me.
And, Lacey, once again I apologize for getting upset with you the other day.
It's just, um That I'm sexier than you and you're jealous? No, it's that I'm younger than you and you're jealous? No, it's that, um Men stare at me when I pass by and they call you "Ma'am" and ask you if you need help crossing the street because you're so old? Okay, I get it! Keep it together, Jordan, keep it together.
( Sighs ) I'm fine.
Just been a little on edge this week because of Sean's new job, but he came home last night and told me that the only reason he was working at the strip club is to pay his way through nursing school.
'Cause that's what he really wants to do.
Um Jordan, I think Sean said that I gotta believe it, okay? I have to believe it.