The Windsors (2016) s02e81 Episode Script

1 Erm, Meghan, there is something I want to ask you.
What? - Yes! - You don't know what it is yet.
- Yes! - We've been together for over a year now, and - Yes, yes, yes! - What I'm trying to say is .
.
will you be my wife? YEEEEEEEE You're my strength, my soul, my everything.
Oh, you're really smashing, Meghan.
Absolutely top bird.
You bring a real sensitivity to the British royal family.
Well, it was Harry's idea as much as mine, wasn't it, Harry? Oh, yeah, definitely.
I was very much on board with the idea.
And what have you got planned for your bachelor party? Well, obviously I've calmed down a lot since I met Meghan, so I'll probably just go nightclub, strip club, casino, brothel, although I might try LSD, as well.
Well, actually, we decided that Harry should have his stag night - while we're here.
- Yeah, it's a bit of a shame Wills won't be here, though, or Rupes, Jonno, Grunter, Spunky, Nobbles, Shag Monster, Sir Vom-a-Lot, Lord Pissbucket, Mr Dirtchute Yes.
It is a shame, but we thought it would be more sensible - to have it away from the British tabloids.
- Yeah.
Over here, I can go even more mental.
Do you think the zoo would let me fight a leopard? Harry's joking! - They're so well matched.
- Aren't they? Crikey, having three kids is exhausting.
It took me ten minutes to organise the nannies.
Well, I was thinking, perhaps three's enough, and it's time to pull up the drawbridge.
Oh, Kate, I can't go back to wearing nodders.
No, I was thinking something more - .
.
permanent.
- A full hysterectomy? OK, but only if that feels right for you.
No, actually, I was thinking you could have the snip.
The snip? I don't think I want to do that, Kate.
It's nothing to be frightened of.
They just tear open the scrotal sac, and then sever the tubes.
No, Kate, I can't.
But you made that speech last year about people having fewer children to help the environment.
Yeah, but obviously that doesn't apply to me.
Look, I need to keep my boys in tiptop condition in case - anything should happen.
- Like what? Well, if something happened to you and the children, in those tragic circumstances, I'd be honour-bound to carry on the line, which, sadly, would mean having sex with another woman, and possibly a blonde one this time.
How can you even think about being with another woman? - It's my constitutional duty.
- Well, until you get the snip, you'll be doing your constitutional duty into a sock.
Welcome to my home, Charles.
Yes, do call me Charles.
Doria, your house is absolutely charming, and certainly not an architectural monstrosity.
As you know, I've raised Meghan to be a strong, independent woman, so, naturally, I have issues with her marrying into the British royal family.
Oh, the royal family is full of strong, independent women.
One only has to think of .
.
erm - .
.
Boadicea.
- Camilla's a strong, independent woman.
Yes, a bit too much.
- Gives it a lot of that, if you get my drift.
- Really? Mom, please, I don't want to get married without your approval.
- Hmm.
- Which is why I'm here to put your mind at rest.
Camilla wanted to come, too, but she's so busy preparing for the wedding.
I'd better go and freshen up.
Where's Ken? Ken's Dad's valet.
He stayed in England cos there's no room, remember? Doria's only got three bedrooms.
Three bedrooms! Erm Then I wonder if one of you might help me go to the loo.
Sorry.
Rest room.
Hi! And welcome to Beatrice and Eugenie's wedding fashion vlog.
Vlog! V-l-l-l-l-log! Vlog! Our new online business venture, which has nothing to do with our cousin Harry getting married.
Or my wedding at the same venue in September.
We've had an e-mail.
"What should your wedding outfit never include?" Subliminal messages encouraging terrorism.
We are passionate about giving hints and tips about what to wear - to any wedding.
- Wow.
Styling wear, the thing we're most famous for Going on holidays.
Nay! Our fascinators! Fascinators.
I chose this one to match the morning suit my fiance is going to wear.
He's called Jack, and he's an absolute dreamboat! Luckily, I've just been dumped by my boyfriend, so mine doesn't have to match anything.
Sorry, you didn't mind me mentioning my fiance, did you? Don't worry, it was only 18 times.
Thanks.
You know, I was so relieved when Jack finally popped the question.
- I was getting on a bit.
- I'm two years older than you.
But I've scraped in just under the wire and now everything is going to - be all right.
- Well, I'm really happy for you.
Sorry.
Jack! Yes, I'd love to go out for dinner, then theatre, then dinner again! - Spare a quid? - Sorry, I don't carry cash.
Me neither.
Calling all tramps of Windsor Quick, it's the Tramp Catcher! Vagrants! Vagabonds! Down-and-outs! Gotcha! - What's going on here? - Your Royal Highness, what an honour.
The wedding is in three days' time, and I'm just clearing the scroungers off the streets.
We can't have them spoiling your little brother's - big day, now, can we? - But it's wrong.
But they're dirty and horrible and they'll ruin all the photographs.
I don't give a damn about the photographs.
These are my subjects, and free to live how they choose.
- You will leave them be.
- Oh, yeah? And what are you going to do about it? You ain't got any real power.
You're just a figurehead.
Unless I've misread the Act of Settlement 1701.
Well, we've still got an "advisor-ary" role.
Is that right? Well, I've got some advice for you, Billy boy Fuck off! Oh, you seem so simpatico.
We are.
We're always finishing each other's sentences.
Yeah, I hardly ever finish a sentence now.
They're never off the bloody telly.
They make me sick.
I wish you could just be happy for them, Pippa.
Hey, I'm not bothered! I'm happily married to Johnny.
- How is Johnny? - He's worth £2.
4 billion.
Look, Pippa, if you still have feelings for Harry, you can speak to me.
I'm not just your future queen, I'm also your sister.
What goes on in your fucking head? Oh, Pippa.
How am I ever going to get into my maid of honour's dress? I normally lose the baby weight with my usual ten hours a day in the gym plus special programme of steroid injections, but it's just not shifting.
- Oh, stop moaning.
- Well, it's all right for you.
You're naturally big-boned.
- Excuse me? - And you're not a princess, so you can afford to let yourself go.
People expect better things of me.
That's not a rude thing to say, is it? Not at all.
Actually, why don't I help you get in shape? Running and dieting was literally all I did for 15 years till I married a billionaire and thought, "Fuck it".
All right.
It'll be fun.
Yes.
It'll be fun, all right.
I think this Doria charm offensive is going rather well.
Yeah, well, thanks for making the effort.
And for being so cool about us getting married.
We thought Meghan being mixed race might have been a prob.
Oh, not at all.
It is 2018.
The monarchy has moved on.
Wouldn't do for Wills, obviously -- future king, etc -- but sixth in line, it would take quite the plane crash to see you on the throne.
Maybe don't say that to my mom.
OK, fun time -- let's plan your stag night.
Awesome! Right, first up, strippers.
That's a little old-school.
But if you want to see women laying themselves bare, how about The Vagina Monologues? That sounds fantastic! But, Daddy, we've got to do something.
He's got a big net.
- You know I don't like to meddle.
- You're always meddling.
You got that professor sacked from Exeter University.
What kind of man of science says homoeopathy is bollocks? And I've held my tongue on so many other issues.
Like what? Like alien civilisations living amongst us.
Isn't that right, Xenu? I'm powerless.
I might as well go and have the snip.
Over here! Hi, Bea.
God, I love The Crown.
I never realised how bloody important we all are.
Ohh.
Bad date? It was a disaster.
All the boys I meet are always too frightened to take on someone royal.
What excuse did this one give? That I'm incredibly dull and stupid.
So I still don't have a plus one for the wedding.
Fancy a drink? I can't, I'm going out with Jack for dinner, then theatre, then dinner again.
Sorry, Bea.
- Next time.
- Bye.
I'm just like Bridget Jones, only without the money worries.
All by "mysalf" Don't want to be all by "mysalf" I don't know why you're complaining.
At least you're going to the wedding.
I've been snubbed again, for being an embarrassment.
Oh, don't worry, Mummy, you'll find a way to get in.
- You always do.
- Well, I have had one idea.
I'm making multiple applications to the public ballot, but under false names.
Hey, do you fancy doing something? Oh, I can't, I've got to go and catch the last post, I'm afraid.
Tatty-bye.
All by mys Who's ready for another of my special diet fruit smoothies? But I've had 14 in the last hour.
But they're working wonders.
Well, they ARE nice.
Thank you.
Mm.
When can I try the dress on? Soon.
Very soon.
I think a detox spa session is the ideal way to start your stag night.
Oh, totes.
Great idea for you to come.
This way, we get to spend more time together.
Oh, Harry, do you realise what's happening? We're starting to think the same way! Yeah, if you hadn't suggested not drinking, I probably would have.
- I'm going to go to the little girls' room.
- Another wheatgrass smoothie? Oh, no, we'd better get going, or we're going to miss the start of - our TED Talk on the power of yes.
- Ah, right.
- Complimentary champagne? - Erm Well, maybe just the one.
Jagerbomb! What am I doing in here? You were arrested for indecent exposure.
But I was just having a wazz in the street.
From the roof of a police station.
Sorry, who are you? Amber.
Well, Dame Amber.
You ennobled me at Hooters last night.
Oh I'm definite about this, but is the operation reversible? Not really.
Prince Albert, former consort to Queen Victoria, - what are you doing here? - You're making a grave mistake.
A king's kuh-nackers are his most valuable asset, the source of all his power.
You are your kuh-nackers.
I'm hardly going to take advice on genitals from you.
You got your knob pierced.
Your knob is not your kuh-nackers.
Your knob is front of house.
Your kuh-nackers are backstage, where all the real work gets done.
You're right.
Thanks, Prince Albert.
I'm getting out of here.
Ooh, thanks, doc, but if it's all right with you, I'm going to keep my knackers, and use them to sort out that tramp-catcher.
Oh Well, that's it.
That's the last one.
I'll never get to Harry and Meghan's wedding now.
Oh.
I AM going to the wedding! I can't believe it! I'm going to the royal wedding! Hey, um, are purple dresses still in? I wish I was going to the royal wedding.
Oh Why do you look so sad? I'm worried about being made redundant and replaced with modern technology.
Oh, I'm sure you won't.
- What do you do? - I operate a robot arm at a car factory.
- Oh.
- But if I could go to the royal wedding just for a couple of hours, I'd be happy! I'd see a man who's had everything handed to him on a plate marrying a beautiful woman, with all the security costs paid for by the state.
Yes.
Gosh, that lady's really sad.
Whereas I'm just tragic.
Here, have my golden ticket! Do you really mean it? Yes.
Uh, but I have a condition.
- Oh - That you have enough bloody fun for the both of us.
- I will! Thanks! - Mm! Oh, God, what have I done? Turned out nice again.
- What are you doing? - Ooh, I thought I'd run the barbecue for you.
I confess, I've never done it before, but I'm so good at everything else.
But last night, you had me put toothpaste on your toothbrush for you.
You just don't live in the real world.
Well, it's not my fault! I didn't ask to be brought up in the lap of luxury.
I'm the victim here.
Sweetheart, where have you been all night? Oh, Mom, I lost Harry during the stag! I've looked everywhere.
- Oh! It's Harry.
- Doria, please, don't judge me on what I've done.
Judge me on what I could do if I was properly supervised.
You're where?! 'Vagrants, free booze! Right You, there! - In the van! - Just stay where you are! I've told you once, sunshine -- you keep your snout out.
Oh, they're not going anywhere.
They're now officially designated as the Queen's swans.
And, as such, they can wander wherever they like.
For that matter, defecate and urinate wherever they like, too.
- Just like real swans! - Yeah! Bloody Protection Of Swans Act 1592 Bollocks! Well, I hope it pisses down on Saturday.
Oh, no.
I've got to go and tell Kate I didn't have the snip.
Oh, I've dropped a right bollock, Dame Amber.
She'll never want to marry me now.
If only I'd stayed at the spa! And at least you wouldn't be on the sex offenders list.
Plus, I'd have silky soft skin that glows.
She'll never forgive me.
Meghan! What are you doing here? You're free to go.
All charges have been dropped.
- How? - I did learn one or two things on Suits.
Like a legal loophole? No.
I showed him my bra.
Gosh, I'm looking forward to spending the rest of my life with you.
We need to talk, Harry.
We're just so different.
I'm interested in developing mind and body in unison, and you're interested in getting shitfaced with Lord Pissbucket.
But if you could just MEET Lord Pissbucket We'll talk later.
- Oh, my God! - What are you doing out of bed, you dirty bird? I'm sorry, Pippa.
I had to see! The programme isn't finished yet! What's happened to me?! I had one USP -- being thin! And now I don't even have that.
Sounds like someone doesn't want to admit they've been snacking.
But I haven't! I haven't had anything apart from those diet fruit smoothies you've been feeding me.
- What's in them? - Just fruit.
You've been feeding me liquidised doughnuts! All right.
I have.
When you walk down that aisle, your arse is going to be absolutely massive.
My arse?! Is that why you've done this? No.
This isn't about my arse, is it? This is about Harry and the wedding.
Those feelings you had for him, they haven't gone away, have they? And that's understandable, Pippa, but you've got to manage those feelings.
You're right.
If I destroyed the wedding, I WOULD feel better.
No, Pippa, that's not what I meant.
Fuck off, fatty! Good luck getting into that dress.
Maybe I'll fall in love with some ordinary chap, who turns out to be the crown prince of Lichtenstein! Oh, who am I kidding? That sort of thing only happens in storybooks.
- Oh! - Oof! How clumsy of me.
- No, no, it was my fault.
- Sorry about your vegetables.
I'm sorry about your Faberge egg.
Are they from Fortnum's? No, my allotment.
I'm Jeremy Corbyn, leader of the Labour Party.
Gosh! You're much better looking in real life than you are on the telly.
Well, that is the biased BBC for you.
I'm Princess Beatrice, eighth in line to the throne.
Oh, you know, I shouldn't really be seen with members of the Royal family.
I'm notoriously anti-monarchy.
And I don't know what the Labour Party is.
Look, bit of a long shot, but I've got a plus one to Harry and Meghan's wedding on Saturday.
I don't suppose you'd like to come? Oh I'm supposed to be picketing it with Diane Abbott and John McDonnell.
Oh, you've got plans, it's fine.
No.
Sod them.
I'd love to come.
Here, what are you doing right now? Absolutely nothing.
You want to come to a meeting on the renationalisation of the water utilities? I'd love to! - I'm back! - In here! - How did it go? - The operation? - Yah, yah, pretty straightforward.
Yah.
- Thanks for getting it done.
So, are you ready for your little reward? Oh, I'm still a bit sore.
In fact, the doctor said we shouldn't do anything like that for a couple of weeks.
Or months.
But I looked it up on the internet and you can do it straightaway.
You don't find me attractive, do you, Wills? It's all this extra weight.
No, Kate, you're beautiful! I lied to you.
I didn't have the snip.
- What?! - I just couldn't go through with it.
- But that's - .
.
wonderful.
- Huh? You DO want to do it.
But you will have to wear a nodder.
Maybe not.
There's always what in the Eurovision Song Contest they call the Greek entry.
There.
Yeah, everything going rather well, eh, Doria? Yes.
Surprisingly.
Ah, "Me, too.
" I'm a huge supporter.
Although the interesting thing about "me too" is, it's a phrase frequently used at the beginning of gang bangs.
- Excuse me? - Well, you know Me, too! Ha! Not that I've ever been to a gang bang.
Or approve of them.
Dreadful things.
Eurgh.
Eurrrggghhh! Whoo! Sorry we're late, everybody.
Harry got held up at the Jail.
I've been in jail.
For indecent exposure.
I'd like to propose a toast to the happy couple.
Actually, Charles, we're not getting married.
- That's your decision, honey.
- We're just too different.
Well, I can't pretend I didn't see this coming.
I mean, you're the first person to marry into the family who's actually got a proper career.
A successful actress in Suits.
And now, nearing 40, you'll be ready to hit the big time.
Why, older actresses are simply flooded with work.
Are you sure, Meghan? I bloody love you.
And I love you! Of course I'll still marry you! No, you can't! Mom, you raised me to be a strong, independent woman, and that's what I am, so I'm going to marry my prince and live in a fairy tale castle! Welcome to the family.
Oh! Oh, how I've missed you.
It felt like I'd lost my right arm.
Good to see you too, Camilla.
How's tricks? Bloody wedding.
The Tesco shopping sheep have gone mad for it.
- It'll be over soon.
- This is just the beginning.
Meghan and Harry and Wills and Kate, they're a unit.
The Fab Four.
They're the ones the public want now.
No, no, no, I'm incredibly popular.
Like Alexander the Great, without the vanity.
They're side-lining you.
- Have you even got a role in this wedding? - Well, erm - Uh, no.
- And I got this this morning from the Slippers Association.
They're replacing you as patron with Meghan and Kate.
They're worried you taint the brand.
What does that even mean? Well, I suppose the nice way of putting it is, that they don't want your stink rubbing off on their slippers.
Well, if you don't want to be yesterday's chip paper, I suggest you get a role in this wedding.
Well, I do have a lot to offer.
And I need to destroy Meghan and Kate's friendship.
And with it, the Fab Four.
'And in Windsor, the crowds are camping out, ready for the big day tomo Wow, it's all getting so real.
I can't believe I'm going to be a princess.
It's amazing how quickly you get used to it.
I forget you were a gypsy before you married Wills.
- Ha! Yeah.
- By the way, you look fantastic.
How did you lose the baby weight so quickly? I'm just lucky with my metabolism.
Actually, since we're friends (Liposuction.
) Liposuction, hey? Pippa, what are you doing here? I just thought I'd pop in and see Meghan.
Where is Harry, by the way? Oh, we thought we wouldn't see each other before the wedding.
Really? So, how are you feeling about tomorrow? I'm feeling nervous and excited, but I think it's important that I recognise both emotions as equally valid.
Yes, do talk like that in public.
British people don't find it at all irritating.
So, big day tomorrow? Yah, FA Cup Final.
No, it's your wedding.
Oh, yah, and thanks again for being my best man.
I'm going to make sure the whole day goes without a hitch.
Actually, it's great practice for when I'm King.
Make a speech and sort of jolly things along a bit, but you don't have any actual say.
Well, you can tell people where to leave their coats.
No, a King can't.
- Knock, knock.
- Pippa! Just thought I'd wish you all the best for tomorrow.
I must say, I never thought anyone would tie you down.
Well, I wouldn't call it tied down.
Of course not.
You'll be happily married .
.
to the same woman for the rest of your life.
Which, with the medical care you Royals get, could be 100 years, maybe longer.
For your information, Harry and I made a pact that we'd always use the NHS, just like the most humble of our subjects.
Yah, unless it was something we were really worried about and needed to see someone fast.
Yah, or our schedules made things awkward.
Obviously, then we'd be straight up Harley Street.
- Well, they'd probably come to us.
- Yeah.
I wonder what one gets for a 100th wedding anniversary.
Eugenie? This is Jeremy.
Pleased to meet you.
Can I get you a cup of tea? - Is it Fair Trade? - Sorry? Oh, Jeremy and me are really into Fair Trade, cos it's just, you know, - tastier.
- Fairer.
- Fairer.
Oh, excuse me.
Oh, it's Hezbollah, best not keep them waiting.
- Yo.
- Well? Erm yeah.
He's very nice.
He is amazing, isn't he? And he's the first man I've ever met that's got fewer qualifications than me.
Yeah.
Wouldn't you be better off with someone like my fiance, Jack? Simple, down-to-earth manager of an exclusive Mayfair nightspot and brand ambassador for George Clooney's tequila? No! I wouldn't swap him for anyone.
He's handsome, he's funny and he knows an awful lot about Marxism.
Say, are you all set for the wedding? Er, Jeremy and I have decided not to go.
- What?! - Yeah, we don't believe in marriage.
We think it's a bourgeois construct.
Jeremy - .
.
Corbyn! - Princess Anne.
- You've met before? - I've still got the scars.
Jeremy once threw paint at me at a hunt, and I had him horsewhipped.
Foxes have got rights.
You wouldn't say that if you'd had one in the house defecating on your sofa.
I'm not getting into this debate again, Anne.
Good day.
Ah! Well, I thought your boyfriend was awful.
- Fiance.
- Yes, that's why I'm here.
The budget for your wedding is out of control.
It's going to be no more than Harry's.
Well, you forget, he's part of the Fab Four and you're not.
But we can still have it here at Windsor, can't we? No! You'll have it at .
.
Hackney Town Hall! It's the future, get used to it.
Oh, Beatrice, what am I going to do? Well, it's like Jeremy always says.
The capitalist system's stacked against us.
Ah, Harry.
I've just been restoring this Gainsborough -- didn't much care for the expression on the wife's face.
She looked a bit judgy.
Nice.
You wanted to see me? Yes, I wanted to get more involved in the wedding.
Thought I might help soothe any last-minute nerves.
I haven't really got any.
Well, you shouldn't because marriage isn't some suffocating trap.
- Oh.
Good.
- I mean, granted, the sex tends to tail off sharply, and then there's that ghastly feeling of being stuck with each other.
But these can be easily rectified .
.
by taking a mistress.
But then the whole oppressive cycle starts over.
Well, I hope I've put your mind at rest.
Thanks, Dad.
Oh, dear, when will I ever learn? I'm supposed to SELL things on QVC.
Mind you, that fondue set's really good.
- Mummy, I found this in the communal hallway.
- Oh Hello, Fergie HRH Duchess of York.
It's American telly! They want me to host the coverage of the royal wedding.
They're offering me £1 million.
Fuck off! I accept.
Oh, I can't believe it! Well, that's all the debts cleared.
And you can turn your heating on.
Oh, don't forget your letter.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's from Harry.
He has invited me to the royal wedding after all! Oh, isn't that wonderful? After 25 years, I'll finally be able to go to something royal without sneaking in.
But, Mummy, if you go, you won't be able to commentate on it and you'll lose your £1 million.
Oh, no, but .
.
well, perhaps Oh, bollocks.
Ah, since I changed the expression on the wife's face, I thought the husband should look more wistful.
Oh.
- You wanted to see me? - Yes.
I want to make sure you go down well with the British public on your big day.
Oh, I love the British public.
I feel like we're building an immutable bond.
Well, I secretly record them every time I install a new garden feature at Highgrove, just to double check I'm still brilliant.
Which is how I heard this.
'I don't know about this Meghan Markle.
'Yeah, she's too confident and self-assured.
- You see what I mean? - It's all a piece of shit, isn't it? Gah.
Oh, my God, I thought I was doing so well.
There's no need for tears.
You simply need a few pointers on how to deal with the public.
That would be great.
Right, say you're on a walkabout, what does one do with one's hands? You pop one in your pocket like so, and then you can take care of the other one by simply tugging at your ear or scratching your nose.
But I've always felt very at ease with my body.
No, no, no.
It's simply not possible -- nobody does.
Say a member of the public stops you and wants an unstructured conversation, what does one do? I say, "Hi, I'm here for you.
" No, no, you smile, point like this and simply move away.
No.
I have to be true to myself.
What's all that? It's for Meghan, her something borrowed.
The Koh-i-noor Diamond.
The Indians have been wanting it back for ages.
You're going to so much effort.
Makes what Meghan's been saying about you all the worse.
What do you mean? Oh I wasn't going to say anything.
Oh, well.
She said your wedding was far too big and stiff and formal, and hers will be much more fun.
If Meghan said that .
.
it is a bit ungrateful.
She says you're an ungrateful cow.
That's not very nice! She called you evil, wicked and -- I hate to say it -- badly dressed.
I think we both know who put that there.
Oh! I hate to be a telltale, but Looks like someone's trying to damn your mortal soul! - Hello, Harry.
- Pippa! Your last night of freedom.
Well, Meghan likes to call it the last night before we go on the greatest journey two people can ever go on.
And what do you think, Harry? Well, I've always thought the greatest journey two people could ever go on was Nemesis Inferno at Thorpe Park.
Well, I wouldn't mind a ride.
I think Thorpe Park will be closed.
I meant something closer to home.
No, Legoland will be closed as well.
Well, how about a good-luck massage, then? Yeah, that can't do any harm.
And I am a bit tense.
Pop your clothes off and onto the bed.
Little tradition from our days as Kings of Saxe-Coburg and Gotha Pippa? - We're busy.
- Yah, Pippa's giving me a good-luck massage.
It's very kind of her.
What's wrong with you?! You've already got a billionaire husband and a Belgravia mansion with its own ridiculous car-stacking system.
It's not my fault we've got so many cars.
Why can't you just let people be happy? Because all my life I've been second best.
Second to Kate, second to Alan Titchmarsh as most-popular columnist for Waitrose magazine.
And now second to Meghan Markle.
Well, I don't intend to be second any more! Lawks.
- You all right, bro? - Yah.
You don't still have feelings for Pippa, do you? What? No! Just a few last-minute nerves.
Getting married is a big step.
It will be great.
Look, marrying Kate was the best thing I ever did.
We can spend a whole day together gardening, or snuggle up and watch back-to-back Sex And The City films.
Sometimes we cook together.
At the moment, we're in a Nigel Slater phase.
She's not only my lover.
She's my best friend.
Gott im Himmel! Well, what a day we have in store.
One's thoughts inevitably do turn to the canapes at the reception, which I'm sure many of the guests will be squirrelling away in their handbags to devour at a later date.
Ah, now, I've just spotted the Princess Royal.
See if I can have a word with her.
Anne, looking forward to the big day? No.
I'd rather be with my horses.
Horses don't let you down, not like people.
Though sometimes they do kick you to death.
Wonderful to catch her in such a good mood, as well, there.
Oh, and I've just seen that some of the lucky winners of the public ballot are here, now arriving too.
Are you sure you're not coming, Bea? No, it's just a vulgar display of money by the ruling elite.
I don't care.
Ed Sheeran's doing the disco.
How do I look? Like a puppet of the bourgeois oppressors.
Perfect.
See you later! She may be the face I can't forget The trace of pleasure or regret You look amazing.
Though, frankly, it's a bit formal.
Thank you for your voodoo doll.
I know how ungrateful you think I am.
I have gone out of my way to help you! Well, I don't need your help any more.
I don't even need you to be my maid of honour.
- You're fired! - Oh, no, I'm not, because I quit! And your gun.
Kate! Meghan.
Well, still no sign of Harry, I'm afraid.
Ah, now, I'm just hearing that, yes, the bride's car has left the castle, but apparently, without the maid of honour.
So, lots of rumours flying about here, as you can imagine, but joining me now is someone who might be able to shed a little bit of light on the whole thing.
It's Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall.
Oh, people are making far too much of it.
I mean, yes, Kate's been sacked as maid of honour, and yes, their friendship is in tatters, but I see no reason for people to put that on Facebook or re-tweet it.
#MassiveRoyalFeud.
Lumme! There you are.
Come on.
No.
I'm too young to get married.
You ain't going to find another girl like Meghan.
But all that time with one person, Wills.
I just don't think I can hack it.
I'm sorry.
All right, then.
I'll go and tell the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Wait a minute! Does that television have Sky? - Well, TalkTalk.
- Then put on Alibi, 312.
But we're watching the racing.
As your future king, I command you.
At last, this country's got some leadership.
We now return you to Suits.
Sit down.
You're out of order.
No, Your Honour.
YOU'RE out of order.
Counsel, you're in contempt.
No, YOU'RE in contempt.
Wow! She's all that and a bag of chips.
She is.
Overruled! No, YOU'RE overruled.
Are you really going to leave her standing at the altar? No way.
Let's go! Counsel, approach the bench.
No, YOU approach the bench! Well, the guests are arriving now.
Ah, yes, Princess Michael of Kent there, who specifically asks that I not mention that her father was in the SS and ended up in Mozambique at the end of the war.
Ah, just seen that the groom and the best man have arrived, so Yeah.
Oh, and here comes the bride.
Oh, doesn't she look scrum-diddly-bloody-umptious! Daddy! Meghan, I say, Meghan, are you ready to escort me down the aisle? - I sure am! - She got her good looks from me.
Just caught you in time.
- Pippa! - I heard you fell out with Kate, and didn't want you get married without something old, something new, something borrowed, and something blue, - so I brought you this.
- That's beautiful! And you're beautiful.
Outside and in.
Sweet.
- Ow! - So sorry.
Did that hurt much? It's fine.
Thank you.
Come on, girl.
I said, come on! Good luck.
Our love is like two streams flowing separately down a mountainside.
But today, our streams have joined to form one mighty river.
Wider, stronger, more impactful.
Baked beans, cornflakes, lager .
.
bog roll.
Well, the reception's certainly in full swing now.
The free champagne is flowing, the '80s music Oh, sod the money.
If I'm not dancing to Level 42, then what the hell am I? Fergs out.
Beatrice? Beatrice! Jeremy? - Beatrice! - I didn't think you'd come! Because of your principles.
You've got to be flexible, haven't you? And I do swear allegiance to the Queen.
Otherwise, I wouldn't get paid.
Anne! You remember my fiance, Jack.
He's brand ambassador for George Clooney's tequila.
Shot! He does that any time anyone says tequila.
Shot! See? Anyway, about our wedding I've said my final word on the matter.
Or would you prefer to get married in Lambeth Town Hall? But I've been thinking, the weddings are almost the entire point of having a royal family.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
- Can you think of any other reason? Oh, all right, then.
You can have it here.
Brilliant! Jack, champagne.
- I mean, tequila! - Shot! - Are you all right, Dad? - Yes.
No.
I've tried to get involved in this wedding, but I have to face it.
- I'm just a spare part.
- You told Elton John where to park his car.
Yes, but it's always been like this.
- I've never done anything.
- That's not true.
What about all those architectural projects you've suppressed? - Some of them got built.
- Yeah, but the designs had to be modified - at great expense.
- I suppose.
Not bad for someone with no architectural training whatsoever.
Maybe I am absolutely fantastic after all.
Look, why don't you make the best man's speech? Well, I suppose I could.
Here.
It's all written down.
Oh, I've got my own material.
Everyone looking this way.
Come on, damn you.
Hurry up! Well, I'd just like to welcome Meghan into the firm.
Of course, she's not the first actress in the royal family.
Does anyone remember Nell Gwyn? Pause for laughter.
Nell was also a prostitute.
Not that Meghan's ever toyed with prostitution, that I know of.
Pause for laughter.
One, two, three But isn't Meghan looking pretty today? Sexist! I'm merely pointing out that she's a very pretty girl.
She's not a girl, she's a grown woman.
And you're a grown woman's front bottom! Yeah, well, you're a total waste of money.
You never do or achieve anything.
You should know all about that.
You're an Arsenal supporter.
Right, first thing I do when I get in -- I'm going to abolish the lot of you.
Well, I shall make a date in my diary.
When's never? Ha-ha-ha-ha! - Fuck off, big ears! - Ooooh! At least I was born with these.
What's your excuse for that rat's nest around your chin? Oh, bollocks to the lot of you! They love me! I have a role! Come on, Beatrice.
Actually, Jeremy, I don't think this is going to work.
I don't think Marxism's for me.
I'm sorry.
You're probably right.
And in any case, I'm already married.
To my allotment.
- Right, Corbyn, out.
- I was leaving anyway.
- Not before I've given you the thrashing of your life! - Oh! Meghan, I haven't given you my present.
Lending me this was present enough.
No, no, no.
That was only the half of it.
- What is it? - It's antidote, to the slow-acting poison I injected you with when I pinned that brooch on you earlier.
Yes, it should be kicking in about now.
Why would you do that to me? Uh-uh-uh, grabby! It's time for you to make a speech, renouncing Harry and saying that you've made a big mistake and you're still in love with, I don't know, some bloke from Suits.
No, I won't do it.
I'd rather die than live without Harry.
Meghan! Oh, my God! The bride has collapsed.
Why am I still commentating? Meghan! Wake up! I don't think I've ever seen her so drunk.
- What have you done? - Poisoned her.
But all she has to do is renounce Harry, and I'll give her the antidote.
You're trying to kill her? Shot! That's what any rational person would do.
Slow-acting poison on her wedding day?! Well, maybe it is a bit OTT.
Please, Pippa, if you ever cared for me Give her the antidote! Meghan! Big up to the Windsor massive! - Tequila! - Shot! Oh, Jack, you're the son I've never had.
- Tequila! - Shot! You saved my life.
You need this back.
Oh, we don't need a piece of tin to say we're best friends.
Actually, it's 24-carat gold.
Oh, maybe I will hang onto it, then.
Very touching.
You might have kissed and made up, but good luck with trying to convince the press.
Ah, the Slippers Association.
I thought I'd be hearing from you.
Please welcome to the floor, for their first dance, the happy couple.
Thanks, and we're going to be dancing to my new favourite record, which is completely my own choice, and nothing to do with Meghan -- I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar.
Not very dancey.
How about? Wind your body, wriggle your belly Dip and go down in a new style-ee Wind and go up, wind and go down Bobble and a rock to the new style around Are you fe, line it up Are you fe, wind it up Do the boom shack a lak till the dance hall full up I say the boom shack a lak Who did this? Actually, I did! She is going to fit in just fine.