Anger Management s02e84 Episode Script

The wife and I went to the Merry Peasant last night.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, we decided since we're getting back together that we'd have two date nights a week.
That is, unless I get lucky on the first one.
Say, do you want a magazine or something? I can't, Ed.
We're in the middle of group.
So, Patrick, how was your week? I had another dream about my mother.
She was talking to a little boy in a sailor suit and she was telling him he's not good enough.
He's not good enough! And he desperately wanted her love and Okay, I can't do this while you're getting a haircut.
I told you guys, I have a very important meeting after group and I need a haircut.
Since Dad cut hair in the Army, I figured he could do it.
I didn't cut hair in the Army.
I said I wanted to cut hair in the Army, but they wouldn't let me because of my shaky hands.
Well, then just keep going.
Whatever you do, you can't hurt this.
Well, I got something that's making me angry.
They're cutting down the tree in the Merry Peasant.
Forget about the tree, you know what they need to get rid of is that big, nasty women's room attendant who's always handing out toilet paper.
They don't have a women's room attendant, but I know the dude you're talking about.
We can't let them cut down the tree! There's a hummingbird nesting up there with eggs that are about to hatch.
The valet told me about it.
The Merry Peasant doesn't have a valet! They really need to get a security guard down at that place.
Ow! Ed, you cut my ear! Oh, I'm sorry, Ma'am.
I didn't realize I was cutting the lady's hair.
Why do you care so much about this stupid bird? Just forget about her! Like the father did who flew in, made a bunch of promises, had his way with her, and then split? Well, you're only getting her side of the story.
Maybe he got a great job downtown crapping on windshields and he was gonna send for her in a month.
- Uh-oh.
- What? Oh, nothing.
Is there gonna be anybody at that meeting who's real tall that might be looking down, I don't know, at the top of your head? - Why? - Oh, just making chitchat.
All right, you're finished.
Are you sure it looks okay? 'Cause I'm meeting with a guy who wants to franchise my prison clinic nationwide.
Ooh, an investor! Is he single? Hey, you're dating me now! Oh, are we still together? I thought you were dating a hummingbird.
Charlie, are you home? Oh, crap, it's Jordan.
Look, don't tell her about my meeting.
I don't want her to get all excited in case it falls apart.
Sorry to interrupt, the warden needs these reports by 6:00 today.
We can knock 'em out in a couple of hours as soon as you're done.
I can't.
Why not? Because Patrick is in the middle of an intense breakthrough and it's gonna take awhile.
Tell her, Patrick.
When I was 10 years old, I was walking down the rail road track with my friends and we stumbled across a dead body.
We made a pact that day never to talk about it to anybody.
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I'll just take care of these.
I'll see you later at the office.
Nice job, Patrick.
Luckily, she never saw "Stand by Me.
" - What? - You just described the storyline to the movie "Stand by Me.
" No, I didn't.
That actually happened to me.
Give me a chance to even that up on top.
Don't come near me.
Take a look at this.
By my estimates, we could have your anger clinics in 25 prisons by the end of the first year alone.
- How does that sound? - I'd have to check the numbers, but I'm pretty sure that sounds like of clinics I have now.
- So what do you think? - I think it sounds great.
I'll just have to run it past my partner and get back to you.
Terrific, but before you do, I gotta be honest with you, I kind of misrepresented myself today.
Oh, you mean when you pulled up in your friend's Ferrari to impress me? You didn't need to do that.
That's kind of a douche car anyway.
No, that's my Ferrari.
Way to break the stereotype! My last name isn't really Smith.
It's Denby.
I'm Jordan's ex-husband.
Wait a minute, you're that Darren? - Jordan hates you.
- Yeah, I made a few mistakes.
You left her for her sister.
I gotta say, that was probably the biggie.
So what the hell's this all about? I actually do want to invest in your clinic, but mostly for Jordan.
I feel so guilty about what I did to her and this way I can help her out financially.
Well, here's an idea: give her a bunch of money.
I mean, first, invest in my clinic, then give her a bunch of money! I can't.
She wouldn't even take alimony.
She said she wouldn't touch a dollar that came from my filthy, cheating hands.
You lucky bastard.
So what do you say? Will you let me invest and we'll keep it our secret? I appreciate the offer, but I do have ethics and one of the things I will not do is lie to my partner.
We project you could earn up to $2 million by the end of the first year.
Of course, we all know that ethics do not apply to the very rich.
Anger Management 2x84 Charlie Gets In Bed with Jordan's Ex Nolan, honey, it's been four hours.
People are just ignoring you now.
You've made your point.
You need to leave or the owner's gonna have to do something.
I'm not leaving until you promise not to cut down this tree.
I know you haven't eaten all morning, so I brought you onion rings, lemonade, chocolate milk shake and a cheeseburger.
Wow, thanks, Brett.
Oh, can you move it a little closer, please? No, I cannot.
- Hey, Nolan.
- Oh, it's so good to see you.
Do you mind passing me the plate? Oh, I would, but it says "do not feed.
" So are you done yet? Because I was sitting at home thinking about doing something fun, but my boyfriend is here, chained to a tree.
I know, and I wanna do that too, but what about the bird? The birds will find another tree in another restaurant.
They always do.
But there's a nest.
Look, you adorable moron, you're embarrassing the hell out of me.
I don't know why you're so angry all of a sudden, a second ago you wanted to go home and make the sweet-sweet love.
Okay, first of all, I told you to never use that phrase.
And second, I was just trying to trick you into leaving.
So there wasn't gonna be any sex? Of course there was.
I have needs.
But when the newspeople come around and start asking me, "Did you always know he was weird when you first started dating him?" I'm not gonna be able to lie.
Here's the bottom line: it's me or the tree.
The tree.
Okay, I want you to take your time because this is gonna be your final answer The tree.
Okay, I want you to take your time now, because I don't think you fully understand what I'm saying The tree.
- I'm a woman, this is - The tree.
Okay, I'm gonna go now.
Why don't you call me when you decide? The tree.
Call me.
Hey.
What are you doing eating my Otter Pops in the dark? It's called "sensory deprivation" and it heightens the taste experience.
Of course.
That way you get the full flavour of the blue.
What are you coming back from? I just met with a guy who thinks that we can make millions by opening my prison clinics across the country.
Wow, so you're about to be rich and you're complaining about me eating your Otter Pops.
Well, it's not exactly a done deal and there is a catch: the investor also happens to be Jordan's ex-husband.
- That's a problem.
She hates him.
- I know, I know.
That's why if I wind up doing this, she can't know that it's coming from him, but I don't want to lie to my partner.
Ah, it's kind of a special case.
I mean, I don't think lying is bad when you're helping somebody get rich.
Or if you're having sex with a woman and you call her by the wrong name, but then say, "I think that's what we should name our daughter.
" You know, I found a way around that problem.
Remember the name of the woman you're having sex with! Yeah, sure.
I'll remember that next time I'm having sex when I'm sober.
You know what, though? Maybe you're right.
If Jordan gets rich off this thing, of course she'll forgive me.
I just gotta keep the lie going until then.
Listen, if it were me, I would just create some fake guy - that she can't ever meet.
- All right, that's good.
That's good, but why couldn't she ever meet him? He's a billionaire, germophobic recluse.
That's ridiculous.
Really? Can you come up with something better? I can come up with 100 different things that are better than that.
That's right.
He's a billionaire, germophobic recluse.
- That's crazy.
- Well, yes, yes, but the good news is he wants to fund a boatload of our clinics.
We're gonna help a lot of people and if we make a lot of money doing it well, that's why we're doing it.
I don't know, Charlie.
Would you file these, please? I became a serial killer so I wouldn't get stuck in an office job.
Now look at me.
Life is funny.
Come on, Jordan.
We can't pass this up.
Look, it sounds great, but setting up all these clinics is gonna be a tremendous amount of work for us.
I'm not going through all that without meeting this investor.
How about a phone call? I'm sorry, I've got to meet this guy face-to-face before I get into bed with him.
Well, who knows? Maybe you already have.
- Pardon me? - I I'm just saying that that sometimes we all take a leap of faith.
Yeah, you guys took a leap of faith by letting me work here, and I'm a murderer.
I haven't killed you guys yet.
That's true, I just wish you hadn't used the word "yet.
" Sorry, I probably won't kill you.
Now you just used the word "probably.
" So what do you say, Jordan? This is a huge opportunity for us.
Besides, the guy's leaving on a red-eye tonight.
Then I'll meet him before he leaves, otherwise I'm out.
- He sounds too sketchy.
- Oh, please.
There's nothing sketchy about getting rich off helping career criminals with money from a man you're not allowed to meet.
Fine, I'll try to figure something out.
Ernesto, make sure your seams are straight.
- What you mean? - They're not straight.
Make them straight.
They're supposed to look like this! Charlie, I live inside a tiny box.
I don't need this extra tension in my life.
Ernesto speaks the truth.
This is supposed to be a relaxation exercise.
Yeah, you're making me so nervous, I sewed this thing to my jumpsuit.
Now I guess I'll just have to take my jumpsuit off and sew naked.
You'd like that, wouldn't you? I'm sorry, guys.
I'm a little stressed out, but I really don't want to talk about it.
I can talk about it.
I was there.
Charlie and his beautiful partner, Jordan, stand to make a lot of money.
Ooh, so it's about making lots of money this time.
Good! I sold my toothbrush for a pencil yesterday, but let's hear about Charlie's problem.
I have to find somebody who Jordan believes is a wealthy investor and I've got to find him by tonight.
You're in luck, Charlie.
I've got the perfect person for you.
All right, all right.
Let me just stop you right there.
The last time you set me up with a con man, he sucked.
I paid the guy a lot of money and he didn't do a damn thing.
Sounds like a pretty good con man to me! No, no, no.
This fella just got out and he's a financial whiz.
You wanna know why Bernie Madoff had to start that Ponzi scheme? 'Cause he lost all of his money to this guy.
Okay, well, I'm desperate.
But if he just got out, are you sure he's willing to do this type of work again? Well, let's see.
Last week, he was selling coyotes to blind people as Seeing Eye dogs.
They kept dragging 'em up to the hills.
So, yeah, I think he's fine with lying to Jordan.
Hey, Charlie.
Oh, God.
Not you again, what the hell are you doing here? I'm your germophobic billionaire investor.
No, no, no, we are not doing this.
I told the guys anybody but you.
I realize our last endeavor was less than fruitful, but the guys lied and sent me again when they realized you didn't give me a chance to do my stuff.
And also they're criminals and can't be trusted.
Hey, Charlie.
Oh, hey, what are you doing here? You're kind of early.
I don't like to be late for a meeting.
You must be our mysterious investor.
- Well, actually - Actually, I am.
And I believe your prison clinic serves just the kind of niche market that has huge growth potential and should be part of any diversified portfolio.
And I agree with him.
It's nice to meet you.
I'm Jordan Denby, Charlie's partner.
Good to meet you, I'm Goldman Sachs.
Goldman Sachs, like the investment company? Now, now, now, nobody's named Goldman Sachs.
His his first name is Gold, and his last name is Mansachs.
Boston family, we go way back.
He comes from a long line of Mansachs.
It's a very distinguished lineage.
Although I have to say I'm the first Mansachs that has hair.
All the other Mansachs are completely bald.
Okay, we're done with that now.
Well, now that you've met, can we move forward? I just have one question.
Have you built any businesses that would be a model for developing this one? No, no, I haven't.
You haven't? But that's what's so exciting about this.
I built my fortune from tobacco, oil, and gambling.
But at the end of the day, I want what any germophobic, reclusive billionaire wants: to make a difference in the world.
And also have no one know who I am or touch me.
I totally get it.
Great, looking forward to working with you.
Okay, who is this clown? - What are you talking about? - Germophobes don't shake hands! What are you trying to pull? And "Mansachs"? Are you high? That'll be 500 bucks.
For what? You didn't fool her.
Good point.
I'll bill you.
What the hell is going on, Charlie? Okay, okay, just hear me out.
This project could be worth millions to us.
And I don't want you to reject it because it's being funded by your ex-husband.
And now I'm gonna tell you who it is.
It's Darren? Yes, but he's only doing this 'cause he wants to help you.
Well, he can help me by staying the hell out of my life! I do not want to be in business with a man who lies and cheats and has no scruples whatsoever.
And I'm not so crazy about Darren either.
Lacey, you came back.
I never heard from you.
Are you coming home or not? No, I'll sleep against this tree for a week if I have to.
I do it every year at Coachella and I'll do it here.
Look, maybe you're not getting this, 'cause I know sometimes you have trouble with stuff.
Remember the time you were confused by the menu at Denny's? How can things be $2 and $4 and $6? Because they are different items! Now if you don't unlock yourself from this tree, I am leaving you forever.
All right, I get it.
You are serious about this.
So I will choose you over the tree and the lives of the mama bird and her three little babies who will most certainly perish.
Thank you.
Can I have a moment alone? Whatever.
Little bird, I'm sorry I failed you and your family.
I don't want to give up, but I don't have a choice.
I will be thinking about you a lot and hopefully you don't suffer much.
And maybe someday, we'll live in a world Oh, Mother of God, fine.
We can stay and save the birds.
- Really? - Yeah.
If you're willing to abandon your principles for me, what kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't support your beliefs? That's great, because the owner just called me two hours ago to say he's not cutting down the tree! Why did you stay? Why didn't you tell me? Because I wanted to see if you'd come back and support me.
And you did.
So you lied to me.
You manipulated me! You made me do things I never would do.
I've always liked you, but now I respect you.
Hey, Jordan, it's Charlie.
Listen, I really wish you'd reconsider taking Darren's money.
Think of it this way: you can either hate your ex-husband or be rich and hate your ex-husband.
Hold on a second.
Hang on, I'm leaving you a message.
Anyway, if you change your mind, stop by.
I'll be waiting for you.
Hey! You're here! You changed your mind, that's great! I came over to dissolve our partnership.
This is insane.
You know, a lot of guys wouldn't have even cared enough to bring in an imposter.
I've already signed.
All you have to do is sign here, here, and here and we'll be done.
I can't believe you're dissolving our partnership over this.
I would've thought for sure it would've been over you constantly singing show tunes or me having sex on your desk or Sign it, Charlie.
- It's Darren.
- He's here? I don't want to be anywhere near that jerk.
He's stopping by to find out whether we're still doing this or not.
So, all kidding aside, are we? You are signing this tomorrow.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Come on in, please.
So are we in business, partner? I wish.
Jordan found out that you're the guy behind the money - and she dropped out.
- You told her? No, no, no, the guy playing you shook her hand.
It's a long story, but she's out.
Typical Jordan.
Always cutting her nose off to spite her face.
I'm so sorry, I was really hoping this could work.
You know what? It still can.
I love this project, you and I will do it without her.
- Really? - Sure, why not? I just wanted to get her some money so she wouldn't end up living in a dump the rest of her life.
She actually has a nice place if you don't mind needlepoint horsey pillows and dry leaves on top of the toilet.
So what do you say? I say let's do this.
Jordan is so pathetic.
It got so I couldn't even stand to look at her face.
So you married her twin sister? I'm just sayin', I always told her she'd be nothing without me.
Now she's proven it.
You know she has "Dr.
" in front of her name, right? Big deal.
So do Dolittle and Seuss.
Luckily, she has you.
At least there's some guy out there taking care of her.
She doesn't need me to take care of her.
Don't be so humble.
She's just another overly emotional woman who can't get her life together.
She's just another overly emotional woman if you don't get the hell out of my house.
What? You heard me.
Get out.
Fine, I guess you're never gonna own a Ferrari.
Fine, I don't want a damn Ferrari.
Ah, I want a Ferrari.
Hey.
What are you still doing here? I was eavesdropping from the kitchen and heard everything.
Thank you.
You know, I just gave up millions of dollars.
I know.
Doesn't it feel good because you did the right thing? Millions of dollars! You should be so proud of yourself.
You stood up for a friend.
Millions and millions.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
You're clearly dealing with something.