Anger Management s02e87 Episode Script

Well, we have a few minutes left.
You can tell because Ed started putting pastries in his sweaty gym bag.
Nothing like a warm sweat sock muffin.
I've got my poker game tomorrow night and everybody's too cheap to bring their own snacks.
You know, Ed, you guys really are the greatest generation of cheapskates the world has ever seen.
Anybody else have any big plans for the weekend? Well, I guess this weekend's gonna be exactly like last weekend.
Nolan and I are gonna stay home and watch epic fail videos on YouTube.
( Laughing ) That lady stomping on the grapes falls out of the bucket every time.
( Beeping ) ( Sighs ) I gotta go.
I told the limo company I only wanna work nights, but they keep calling me during the day.
Well, why don't you just tell them again? I don't wanna make waves.
In fact, I don't even know if I told them the first time.
You know, Lacey, when you were talking about your weekend plans, I couldn't help but notice that you seemed genuinely unhappy.
- How could you tell that? - From your genuine lack of happiness.
Look, if you don't wanna watch epic fail videos, then why'd you agree to do it? Because most of my relationships are epic fail videos, so this time I thought I should just do what he wants and be a good girlfriend because I care about him.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Okay, "blah, blah, blah, blah, blah" quickly turns into "hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.
" Followed, in my case, by "divorce, divorce, divorce" and then "half my money, money, money" goes down the drain, drain, drain.
" So what am I supposed to do? Look, if Nolan wants to stay home and watch weathermen accidentally draw penises on maps, let him.
You can still go out.
- By myself? - Or with your friends.
Time apart may even strengthen your relationship.
- Really? - Yes.
And on that note, I'd like to strengthen our relationship by kicking you all out.
Ed, just take the tray.
Anger Management 2x87 Charlie and The Epic Relationship Fail You know, I was just saying to myself, "I'm worried about Ed.
" "I don't know if he's getting enough pastry in his diet.
" It's for my poker game.
That's cute, a bunch of old guys playing poker.
Guess it breaks up the monotony of doctor visits and funerals.
( Laughs ) That's funny.
You play poker? 'Cause we got a game tomorrow night and we're short a guy.
Gee, let me guess what happened.
Just shut up! And you're right.
Now, you in or out? Well, I'm not into cleaning out a bunch of old guys on a fixed income.
Talk about things being fixed, looks like you got no eggs in your carton, son.
Are you saying I have no testicles? That's right, no testicles.
All right, yeah, sure, I'll I'll come to your game.
Just text me your address.
Um I'll just write it down.
You know, I've never been with an air traffic controller before.
- That was amazing.
- Really? I wasn't being too bossy? No, no, and I really appreciated all your help during the landing.
And you were right, I was coming in too hot.
But you did keep your nose up.
- You're a great pilot.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.
I'll call you tomorrow.
And you're parked right over there.
Lacey: Hey, skank.
Hi, Charlie.
Lacey, what are you doing here? Well, I took your advice and it totally made me rethink my entire life.
Well, that's great.
Good for you.
Don't take this personally, but I have no idea what you're talking about.
Okay, last night I went to a club by myself like you wanted me to.
Oh, that advice.
That's right.
Well, I am a genius.
So you went out and had a good time and now you're not so resentful of Nolan.
Oh, no, no.
I am way more resentful.
I was talking to these guys who were so much more ambitious and they were starting companies and taking chances.
And then I went home and saw Nolan sitting by himself on the couch with a stopwatch and an empty box of Oreos.
Did you happen to see the time on the stopwatch? No, but he was upset.
He said something about it took him more than two minutes.
Yes! I win 40 bucks! I'm sorry, you were saying? I don't know if I can stay with Nolan.
What? Getting out there made me realize that I want to be with a guy who's not afraid to do something with his life.
I mean, Nolan won't even ask for a raise.
No, no, Lacey, you can't do this.
Nolan is good for me in so many ways and not just because he's an animal in the sack.
He is? Oh, yeah.
But if he doesn't show me something, like anything, soon, then I don't think we're gonna have a future together.
Lacey, I totally disagree.
I think Nolan is the right guy for you.
Let's examine some of his finer points.
- Okay.
- He really loves you, and last night he came this close to winning 40 bucks.
I can't believe I'm saying this about Nolan, but dating that stoner might be the healthiest relationship that Lacey's ever been in.
But I do sort of get why Lacey's losing interest in him.
I mean, most girls say they just want a sweet guy, but there's still this primal attraction to someone who could protect you in the wild.
You been reading Sasquatch porn again? Just a little bit before bed.
Anyway, you can't blame yourself if they break up.
Unless you had something to do with it, but you didn't.
Did you? You know, sometimes I don't like having lunch with you.
Oh, God, Charlie.
What did you do? I may have accidentally told Lacey to spend some time away from Nolan and she may have met some other guys.
- You what? - I feel terrible.
I don't want my patients to get hurt.
When they first come to me, they're like lost little puppies.
And then when your puppies start having sex with each other, you don't want them to break up.
Hey, Charlie.
You wanted to see me? Yeah.
Jordan, would you give us a second? - I just have a few bites left - There you go.
Eat it walking.
So what do you want to talk to me about? Well, Nolan, I'm concerned that you're not doing enough with your life.
I'm not saying that eating 38 Oreos in half an hour isn't impressive.
I think things are going great for me.
I got a job, I got the girl of my dreams, and now I got Jordan's leftover fries.
Look, I know you want things with Lacey to last, but women tend to gravitate towards men who are fearless, men who are leaders.
I don't know why.
Those are the first guys to get killed in war movies and in horror movies and science fiction Nolan, Nolan, Nolan, stay with me! - I know you've been at that limo job for a while now.
- Yes, I have.
Have you ever just marched in there and told them you wanted a raise? - Absolutely not.
- Okay, well, that ends today.
You're gonna walk into your boss's office and demand one.
- I don't know.
- You have to do this.
- Can I finish my fries first? - Forget the fries.
You get that raise and I'll buy you all the fries you want.
You wouldn't have to buy me fries.
I'll just have the extra cash from my raise.
Well, there you go.
You get it.
- See? Eye of the tiger.
- I worry about Lacey.
How do we know she doesn't like me because I'm laid-back and not like one of those guys she used to go out with at the clubs? Because I know.
And who knows women? I'll tell you who.
Me, that's who.
But, Charlie, you're divorced and you haven't had a real relationship that's lasted over two weeks.
Yes, but in each of those situations I knew exactly what those women didn't like about me because they told me.
Looks like it's just Louie, Ed, and the kid.
Everyone ready? Aw, crap, I'm out.
Not me, I'm I'm feeling lucky.
300.
Thought the limit was 25.
Our last hand of the game, no limit.
- You in? - I don't know.
I think our young fella's scared.
( Chuckles ) Maybe I should have told you to bring an extra pair of drawers.
( Men laugh ) I would've, Ed, but I left them at your mom's house last night.
Once again, I'm sorry for your loss.
All right.
I'm in three and I will raise you 300.
( Exhales ) You know what? Here's 300 and, uh have you ever driven a Maserati? No.
It's an Italian sports car.
Incredibly smooth ride.
Almost as smooth as the Rascal I'm throwing in.
Okay, I'm not taking your Rascal.
You can't walk.
You'll never wait in line for a ride at Disneyland again.
Really? Yeah, it's awesome.
( Knocking on door ) - Louie! - Aw, jeez, here we go.
Get outta here, Greta! How much money have you gambled? None of your business, woman! Ed? How much has he lost? I don't know, about 500.
( Sighs ) - And he put in his Rascal.
- Louie: Shut up! Damn it, Louie.
You lose that Rascal every time! I am done pushing you through Safeway in a shopping cart.
It's not made for a man your size.
It's embarrassing.
I'm all in.
( Clears throat ) This watch is worth five grand easy.
Two pair.
Oh, crap.
Wait, what time is it? Oh, yeah, that's right, it's time to show my full house.
( All laughing ) Hold on a second.
You guys scammed me? We always scam the new guy.
( All laughing ) Well, this is amazing.
When are you guys playing next? Because I wanna do this to somebody.
Well, you're not a regular member of the group, but we'll let you bring in a sucker under one condition that it's Patrick.
Patrick? Yeah, he's been sporting a real nice Rolex watch lately.
Okay, I'll call him.
Well, there he is.
Been waiting all day for you.
So, tell me the good news.
Well, that mole on my leg that's been getting darker and changing shape? It's just from a leaky pen in my pocket.
- So what happened with the raise? - Okay.
I went in there, I looked him right in the eye, and I told him exactly what I wanted.
That's fantastic.
What did he say? You're fired.
- What? Why? - I don't know.
I did what you said.
I didn't take "no" for an answer.
I also didn't take "get the hell out of my office" for an answer, so they called security and then they didn't take "please don't Tase me" for an answer.
Yeah, they never do.
Yeah, caught me right in the head.
I don't think it did any damage.
All right, look at me, Nolan.
Look at me.
Who is the Vice President of the United States? That lady from "Seinfeld"? Ah, you're fine.
Nolan, I'm so sorry.
I had no idea this would happen.
Ah, it's okay, Charlie.
I I'd be devastated, but luckily I got Lacey, who's gonna stick by me no matter what.
You know what? Let's not tell Lacey.
Why? I tell her everything.
Yeah, I don't want her to worry about you and she's so stressed out about other things, like her shoe business, and she's been killing herself day and night to make that work.
Really? I saw her calendar.
She's going to a spa today and the rest of the week is lunch, lunch, lunch.
Well, see, she's so stressed out, she has to remind herself to eat.
Don't worry, Nolan, we're gonna get you another job.
Aw, thank you, Charlie.
I really appreciate all your advice.
Except for the part that got me fired.
Yeah, that wasn't very good.
Raven, thanks for coming in early, helping us out.
Sorry that Louie spit on you.
He was trying to whistle.
Sorry.
Whoa! We should do this at a strip club every week.
Yes, well, it is just for today 'cause my mom is staying with me and she hates gambling.
Okay, last card.
Here we go.
Uh, I'm out.
Too rich for my blood.
Well, that just leaves me and you, Patrick.
I'm feeling lucky.
- I got 300.
- Oh, what do I do? What do I do? - What do I do? - Sean! Oh, Ma, what are you doing here? How much money have you gambled? Not in front of the guys, Ma.
- Greta: How much? - I don't know, like 500.
Ugh! Damn it, Sean! You can barely pay your mortgage and you're gambling away that kind of money? But I've got a really good hand.
That's good? All in.
and this Banana Republic gift card.
There's still, like, 42 bucks on it, so you can get a really nice pair of pants if you wait for a sale.
How about that watch? And the watch.
I will call that with this Italian leather jacket worth about $2,000.
But, Sean, your dad gave you that leather jacket the night he died in that hunting accident.
Don't worry, there's no holes in it.
He was shot in the leg and bled out.
So, uh, here.
Full house.
Aces over 10s.
Not so fast.
Straight flush.
( Laughs ) Oh, this leather is like butter.
What the hell is going on here? ( All laugh ) We got you again, sucker! You were in on this? It was the perfect con because you'd never expect it.
Me and Ed working together like a well-oiled machine.
( Laughing ) What? What do you have what do you have against me? What does a lion have against a baby zebra? Nothing.
I was just hungry.
Hey, Charlie.
Don't start with me.
I know I'm late.
I'm sorry.
Don't worry about it.
You look great, by the way.
You should wear that more often.
Are you on drugs? Are you playing a trick on me? Give me that coffee.
What's in there? I'm just in a good mood.
I told Nolan to demand a raise to impress Lacey and it got him fired, but but I got him an even better job to replace the one I got him fired from.
- And what is that? - Driving a prison bus.
Are you on drugs? Are you playing a trick on me? Give me that coffee.
What's in there? Hey, Charlie.
Well, there he is.
You ready for your first big day? I don't know.
I'm not sure if I'm the right guy to drive a bus full of prisoners.
I'm not good around dangerous people.
Well, sure, you are.
You're dating Lacey.
She has to tell the authorities before she's allowed to leave the state.
Yeah, but I don't think I'm cut out to work in a prison.
- I'm too soft.
- I work at a prison, Nolan.
But you're hard.
You are what they call a "hard woman.
" I'm a hard woman? Have you smelled me? I smell like daisies and vanilla.
Smell me! Anyway I was kinda looking forward to getting unemployment and watching TV all day.
Do you know that I've been working for three months straight? Except for weekends, holidays, and that two-week break I took.
But this is a job worth getting up for.
You are a leader of men.
Because I'm at the front of the bus and I get everywhere a little before they do? Yes, let's go with that.
Now get to work.
Charlie, how are you going to convince Lacey that driving a prison bus is a path to greatness? I don't know, maybe I'll tell her that five of our greatest presidents drove prison busses.
Oh, come on.
Lacey's not some uneducated bumpkin.
You're gonna have to do a little better than that.
Really? Abraham Lincoln drove a prison bus? Yes, he went straight from bus driver to senator to president.
That is what he did.
Yeah, but he moved up.
Nolan went from driving a limo to driving a prison bus.
What's next? Pushing around homeless people in a shopping cart? Well, hey, Reagan did that.
Let me tell you something about Nolan.
He wouldn't settle for the lousy money they were paying him at that limo job, so after they Tased him ( Gasps ) He got Tased? Yeah, with 50,000 volts of ambition.
Charlie, turn on the TV.
There's been an accident.
Nolan and the prisoners are missing.
You still think this was an upward move for Nolan? It may not be as bad as we think.
Right, Jordan? They found the prison bus empty on the side of the road.
It is carrying five vicious murderers.
( Lacey gasps ) Nolan might be dead.
You know, you really had a chance to help me out and soften the blow a little, but you didn't even try, did you? Man on TV: in these financial times.
So call the Gold People at This is supposed to be an all-news channel and all they're trying to do is sell me gold and discount catheters.
If I can't afford a good catheter, do you think I'm buying gold?! He wouldn't even need the news if you hadn't put poor, sweet Nolan in charge of a bunch of dangerous psychopaths.
Maybe he'll be okay.
He's not that sweet.
The other day he called me a "hard woman" for no reason.
This is terrible.
I wonder if this happened to President Kennedy when he was driving a prison bus.
What am I thinking? Bad things never happen to people like that.
Oh, hey, look! It's Nolan! He's alive! So we were on our way to Tehachapi when the tire blew out and the bus skidded and rolled over.
The guard was knocked unconscious, but thank God the criminals were okay.
Nolan's safe! He's okay! He's dressed like a janitor.
What is that? Wow, you went straight from "thank God he's alive" to "Project Runway" really fast.
We were basically stranded in the middle of nowhere and the criminals were pretty scared because well, they had never been in the woods.
This guy saved our lives.
I ate squirrel.
Anyway, I spent a lot of time in the woods because it's cheap rent and you can grow stuff out here without anybody Anyway, uh I calmed the prisoners down and I led them here.
What about the unconscious guard? Oh, yeah, the guys carried him.
I fashioned a crude stretcher out of a, you know regular stretcher.
I never saw Nolan as the kind of guy who could do that.
It's pretty cool, right? Nolan just took command of five dangerous killers, led them safely through the woods, and didn't tell the reporter where he grows his weed.
The guy's a hero! Hey, guys.
( All sigh ) Nolan, thank God! - Are you okay? - Oh, I'm fine, yeah.
Turn on the TV.
I'm gonna be on the news.
Ah, sorry, they already showed it.
Damn it! It's the first time I've ever been on the news when I wasn't high after a concert, wandering around the background looking for my car.
- How'd I look? - You looked great because you weren't dead, you stupid.
Don't do that again because I care about you.
I'm sorry I worried you.
Why did you take such a dangerous job? Okay, that's great.
Time to go.
Everybody's happy.
Look, Jordan's so happy, she's crying.
No, I'm not.
( Crying ) I'm a hard woman.
It was all Charlie's idea.
I took the job because he made me feel that you'd find somebody else to love if I didn't.
You what? I told you that in confidence! And I told Nolan in confidence.
Why can't we all stop hurting each other? Okay, here's your purse.
Street cleaning starts any minute.
You don't wanna get towed.
So you really feel that way? Yeah, I told Charlie I wanted a relationship with a take-charge kind of guy and last night you proved that you are.
Okay, so what now? The first thing is, you're done with that horrible job.
I'm borrowing money from my shoe company and buying you a limo.
We're starting a business and I'm your boss.
Whatever you say, Lacey.
- Way to take charge, bro.
- Thanks.
Well, that worked out exactly as I expected.
Here's how this could have gone.
Five killers are loose in the city and little girl picking flowers one day finds Nolan's body in a shallow grave.
Or she meets his friendly ghost.
They team up to solve crimes, and they save the city.
And maybe have a little fun along the way.
You are a hard woman.