Anger Management s02e90 Episode Script

Thank you so much for coming by on Saturday night, Charlie.
My hot water heater was broken for a week and if you hadn't mediated between me and my landlord, I would have shoved his head down my garbage disposal, which also isn't working, so I wouldn't have gotten that satisfying grindy noise.
You recognized you were losing control and you picked up the phone.
Good eye, Patrick.
Good eye.
Peanuts for a story.
Peanuts for a story.
Who else wants peanuts for a story? What the hell are you doing, Charlie? We are not at a baseball game.
I'll have one! I can't change a 20.
Here, take two.
I had the best time last night.
I went down to the ballpark to watch batting practice and an old teammate of mine is now the GM.
Hell, that's outstanding, Charlie.
Do you have an ice-cold beer in there? As a matter of fact, I do.
That'll be $11.
50.
$11.
50? The prices here are outrageous.
I should have got drunk in the parking lot.
Anyway, I was talking to the first baseman who is in a bit of a slump.
So I gave him some visualization techniques and later on in the game, the guy hits two home runs.
Sounds like they should have paid you.
Well, they gave me this hat, but that didn't feel like enough, so I stole a case of peanuts.
Hot peanuts.
Who wants hot peanuts? Can we talk about what a brainless, babbling idiot my boyfriend over here is? Can you believe what you're hearing? I'm her boyfriend.
There's a buyer who owns a chain of shoe stores down in Orange County that Nolan wants me to stop doing business with because he thinks he's hitting on me.
That's because when he comes over to our house to do business he hits on you right in front of me.
The guy is not hitting on me.
Nolan, you are jealous for nothing.
Oh, Lacey, you are so naive.
I'm gonna kill this guy.
You're not killing anybody.
Look, I'll come over the next time the guy is there and make sure that Nolan doesn't get himself in trouble.
As long as it's not tonight, because tonight Charlie's coming over to my place to save my marriage.
Me and my wife are in the middle of a big Sleep Number fight.
Ed, what are you fighting about? You each get to pick your own number.
Well, why does she get to sleep on a different number? We're married.
That means we're supposed to do stuff together.
I don't get it, Ed.
A Sleep Number bed should bring you closer.
It saved the marriage of every one of those couples in the commercial.
It says right underneath, "These are not actors.
" Now give me back your peanuts.
I just looked at the expiration date.
They're from 1992.
So, Charlie, what time is your baseball buddy coming by? 'Cause I thought we might get our picture taken together or get his autograph or be the mama of his babies.
He should be here any minute, but, Brett, no autographs, no pictures, and as far as the baby thing goes, you're welcome to try.
I hope Roger gets here soon.
I'm supposed to be at Ed's in an hour.
What are you going to Ed's for? Him and his wife are having some problems in bed and I said I'd stop by and help them figure it out.
You going there to witness or to hold things in place? All right, Charlie, this is no longer a drink with friends.
This is an intervention.
Every time one of your patients has an anger problem, you step in and solve it for them.
That's why they're not getting any better.
Well, sure, they are.
Just the other day, a meter maid gave Ed a ticket and not once during his verbal assault did he mention that she was a Latina.
- Charlie.
- All right, look.
I wish my patients were further along and I didn't have to talk about their progress using the word "assault.
" But they're not doing better.
What else can I do except help them? Not help them.
That way you'll actually be helping them.
Oh, my God, I'm so done with this conversation.
I'm finished with him, but now we're gonna talk about why you can't pay attention to anything unless it's about you.
Okay, well, can we do it during sex? Fine.
Hey, wild thing.
He he.
Roger.
Um, why are you wearing that? I saw you yesterday and you weren't Jewish.
Oh, I forgot I was wearing it.
- I was just at a funeral.
- I'm sorry.
Who died? Oh, this old guy who was with the organization for, like, 35 years.
Case of peanuts goes missing.
I suspect him, I fire him, he goes home, he blows his brains out.
You caught me on the surveillance cameras taking the peanuts, didn't you? Yeah.
I was really hoping for a better reaction.
Come on, man, I got a yarmulke and everything.
I had a blast last night.
It was so great to be back around the game again.
Good, man.
Good.
Well, I'm glad to hear that, because I was thinking after watching you help Fernandez out of his slump, I was thinking it might be nice to have you around all the time.
I'd like you to be the team psychologist.
You mean, like a consultant? I mean a full-time gig.
I want you to go on the road with us, everything.
Wow, it's like my dream job, but I don't know, Rog.
I got my prison clinic.
I got my group at home.
And these guys are super dependent on me.
Well, wouldn't want you to screw up your patients' lives.
You know, maybe I'm screwing up their lives if I don't take it.
- Oh, crap.
Put your yarmulke back on.
- Huh? Put on the yarmulke.
- Hey, aren't you - No, I'm sorry, Brett.
He's looking for a nice Jewish girl.
I can do that.
Orthodox.
Damn it.
Anger Management 2x90 Charlie & The 100th Episode So, how's everybody doing today? - Terrible.
- Me, too.
I'm also having an awful day.
And I can't be happy when she's unhappy.
That's the rule.
Well, good.
I'm glad everybody's in a cheerful mood.
It'll make it easier to handle this bad news.
I'm gonna be making a change.
You're bringing somebody new into the group, aren't you? Hope it ain't a black man.
Because if it is, I'll have to start worrying about what comes out of my mouth.
It's not that.
You know that I love this group more than anything.
But I've been offered an incredible opportunity to be the sports psychologist for my old team and I'm gonna take it.
Wait, you aren't breaking up with us, are you? Because you don't do that face to face.
You do it over a text.
I'm not breaking up.
I'm giving you all the freedom to learn how to be more self-reliant.
This is a lot like the time my dad walked out on us to work as a psychologist for a major league baseball team.
Nolan, that never happened.
You're creating alternate histories again.
That's just what my dad would say.
He's a psychologist.
His name is Charlie.
Look, you guys have no idea how much progress you've all made.
Lacey, instead of desperately trying to get money from men, you have your own shoe company and you're in a healthy relationship with Nolan.
And it'd be so much better if you'd just stick around and made sure he keeps doing everything I want.
God! Nolan, you're in a borderline abusive relationship with Lacey, but it works for you.
And you're so much more confident than when you came to this group.
Without this group, I'll die.
See? You spoke up for yourself.
And look at you, Patrick.
You're on your way to becoming a great designer.
And you're not afraid of your dead mother anymore.
I still see her ghost when I'm in the shower.
But you're not afraid.
And, Ed.
Ed, you have conquered your anger enough to get back together with your wife.
And last night you actually agreed on the firmness of your bed.
There's no way I'm gonna top that, so I am dropping the mic and walking away.
Well, don't drop it too quick, because now that we're back together, I'm beginning to remember why I left her.
Charlie, can I talk to you? All right, guys.
Let's take a five.
You're breaking up our partnership with a text message? You can't do that.
You women need to get together and figure out the rules.
Obviously, I was gonna sit down and talk to you about it.
I don't think I can handle the clinic by myself.
The whole program was your idea.
Jordan, you can do this.
I know you can.
Who's always saying, "Charlie, you contribute nothing"? Come on, who says it? I guess I do.
And who's always saying, "Charlie", you do more harm than good with those prisoners"? I guess that's me, too.
There you go.
You really think I can do this? Who's always saying, "Charlie, I don't care what you think.
" - "You're an idiot"? - That's definitely me.
Thanks, Charlie.
You sure you don't need this for your road trip? Nah, I don't need to bring much.
After the home stand, it's a short trip down to San Diego.
Well, have a great time in Mexico.
Oh, I will.
Javier's place is right on the beach.
And we always have so much fun.
I think I'm starting to fall for this guy.
I mean, sometimes you meet someone and you just know they're really rich.
Is he "I don't need to give you alimony anymore" rich? 'Cause if so, I'm starting to fall for him, too.
Well, he is raking it in with his dollmaking business.
I mean, he's got a boat, a penthouse in Tijuana, security guards, like, It's all good.
I'll see you when I get back.
All right.
Would you like me to bring you a doll as a souvenir? No.
Maybe a small one.
Adios.
Coming.
Coming.
For the hundredth time, I'm coming.
Hey, guys.
What are you doing here? You can't go.
Sure, I can.
I got my driver's license.
Look, my luggage rolls in every direction.
Not like the crappy suitcase I just gave Jen.
You're not going anywhere.
We sabotaged your car.
- Didn't we, Ed? - No.
I'm no good with these modern cars.
I yanked on some wires, but I think all I did was disable his DVD player.
Well, I've never watched a DVD once in there, but that's devastating.
You can't leave, Charlie.
My landlord just informed me that he wants to put carpeting over my hardwood floors.
And if a truck pulls up with a roll of synthetic, beige Monsanto, I will raze the building and salt the earth.
And my shoe distributor is coming up again for a meeting and Nolan's getting ready to fight him.
This morning, he ate eggs instead of a bowl of Skittles.
He's in training.
I'm dedicated and I'm not gonna taste the rainbow again until that guy tastes my fists.
Guys, please stop.
This is all my fault to begin with.
I kept intervening so you guys never got a chance to solve your own problems.
But it's done.
I'm going.
Fine, we'll leave.
Thank you.
Can I take your bag to the car for you? Why, so you can run off with it and make me miss the game? Okay, never mind.
Can we at least have a hug? Sure.
Ed, grab the bag and run! I got it! Ow! Son of a bitch! My back! Whoa.
What's all this? Now that I'm running the clinic, I want to remind people that this is a place that nourishes the soul.
I'd like to taste your soul.
Brr-rr.
I feel like you just did.
Now, have a seat by the fountain.
This is where I'm gonna be interviewing prisoners.
How does it make you feel? Like we're doing a morning talk show at a prison.
All right.
I'm gonna let the first prisoner in.
Oh, my God.
There's like What the hell is going on? You didn't hear the news? The governor commuted a boatload of sentences to take care of prison crowding.
You're gonna be preparing like 1,000 guys to hit the streets in the next week.
Well, luckily I have my calming aromatherapy candle.
- That's really gonna help? - Yes.
I'm gonna take a couple of deep breaths, light the curtains on fire, and when this place burns, it'll give me a day or two to figure out what I'm gonna do.
Wow, being in a locker room really takes me back to my playing days.
Can almost hear the manager saying, "Goodson, you're killing my career" and quit stealing peanuts.
" You're really gonna enjoy working with these guys.
Come on.
All right, everybody, gather around.
Listen up.
You might recognize this guy.
Charlie Goodson.
he used to catch for this team.
My hair was different and I had a mask on.
Anyway, he's our new team psychologist.
If you have anything, anything that is bothering you at all, you take it up with this man.
He can help you out.
- They're all yours.
- Thanks.
Hey, Charlie.
Dave Loftus.
- Welcome aboard.
- Second base, right? That's right.
Look, this is kind of tough for me to talk about, but I have some father issues.
- Really? - Yeah.
Your father was mad at me for banging your mom all night.
If that's the reason you're batting .
200, maybe we should talk about it.
- Hey, Jed Zeal, right? - Yeah.
Heard you had a problem with the press.
If you want my help with that, let me know.
I could use your help.
I ripped the crotch in this thing.
You can sew it up for me.
Great group of guys, huh? I don't think your players want anything to do with me.
Well, look, even if they don't, who gives a damn? You're back in the show.
There's travel, there's women.
Plus, once this works out with us, maybe you pick up a basketball or football team.
Yeah, you're right.
You're right.
This will be great.
- Hello? - Charlie, it's Nolan.
I've got another job now, buddy.
You can't do this anymore.
Look, do you have a recognizance I can borrow? - A what? - They said I could get out, but "not on my own recognizance.
" I guess I need somebody else's.
You're in jail? You didn't attack that shoe buyer guy, did you? I was trying to handle it on my own like you said.
So I climbed over the guy's gate to choke him out, but my belt loop got caught and the cops grabbed me.
I never got what all those belt loops were supposed to do anyway.
They're for belts, Nolan.
And everybody who buys pants is just supposed to know that? Hey, I'm sorry about what I said about your mother.
- No, that's okay.
- And I'll apologize to her tonight when I'm done banging her.
It's funny.
I got my mom on the phone.
She says she doesn't know you.
Oh, wait, wait, wait You must be "Hair-trigger" Loftus.
Yeah, Mom.
Yeah, he's right here.
No, he's not crying now.
- Jordan? - Hey, Charlie! Just cleaning out my coffee pot.
Got to keep it clean.
I just came by to pick up a couple of things.
I see you've redecorated.
Oh, I just haven't had a chance to straighten up since the governor decided to clean out the prisons and triple my workload.
That would explain the garbage in the fountain.
But it doesn't explain the smell.
I know, but in the defense of three of the prisoners, it does look like a very fancy urinal.
- Are you okay? - Sure! I would be totally behind, but I have been awake for three days straight.
Me and coffee, we did it together.
But now coffee's gone and I'm really sad.
- Charlie! - Guys.
Oh, my God! Thank goodness you're here.
We wanted to help her clean up the place, but she won't let us.
Watch.
Hey, Jordan.
Let me file these for you.
Don't touch those! I'm not finished yet! Wow.
You just scared a bunch of murderers.
That's what you can do for me.
Go get me some coffee.
I don't care where you have to go or who you have to kill.
- All right.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! She doesn't mean that.
She just wants some coffee.
Damn, now it's just an errand.
Like that's any fun.
Hey, I've got 15 minutes till my next patient.
Let's hang out and get caught up.
I just ordered coffee.
How you been? Well I bailed Nolan out of jail, talked him out of strangling a shoe buyer, and bought him a pair of yoga pants to avoid another stressful belt loop situation.
Charlie, there you go again needing to be needed by your patients.
It's totally dysfunctional.
Hey, hey, hey, he's not For him or for you? I love it when my horses dance like that.
Oh, hi, Dad.
Hey, Charlie.
You got my tickets? Yes, I do.
And they are right above the dugout.
Dugout? I'm not behind home plate? Dad, these are excellent seats and they're free.
Why can't free tickets be behind home plate? Or at least on the third base side.
You know how much I hate the first base side.
Okay, one more complaint and a couple of egg shells and some coffee grinds are gonna be sitting right above the dugout.
No, no, no.
Wait, wait, it's okay.
It's okay, I'm sorry I complained.
- You really put me in my place.
- Thank you.
Three rows back.
I'll bring my binoculars.
So your job how's it feel to be back in that world again? It's awesome, Dad.
It's what I was meant to do.
Good to hear, Charlie.
Hey, thanks for the tickets.
And by the way, how about a few bucks for parking? Fine.
No, wait, the parking is at least 20.
This is only a 10.
No, wait, I'll take the 10.
Take the bus.
No, how about some money for a snack? It's all bruised.
Get out of my house.
All right, guys.
Let's start this up.
Who wants to go first? I just want to tell everybody what I've learned from almost making the biggest mistake of my life.
- I think - Very touching.
Charlie, I still don't understand.
Why did you give up the baseball job? Well, you guys are you're screwed up and you need me.
So you came back for us? That's the nicest thing a man's ever done for me.
Hey! Me, too.
Me, too.
I had a fella jump on a grenade for me in Vietnam, so I'm good.
No, no.
This is about me.
I came back because I'm screwed up and I need you.
This entire relationship is completely dysfunctional.
As long as the American Psychological Association doesn't catch on, we'll keep it going.
So who wants to start?