Mad Dogs (2010) s03e00 Episode Script

1 Hey-yah! Welcome to South Africa! What mad dogs.
It is called Big Dogs, the third one.
Hey! Many more! We were only supposed to go for four days.
And here we are, three bleedin' years later! Still doin' it, man.
It's unlike anything else.
You can't really categorise it.
We all love each other a lot, you know, in a very metrosexual, modern way.
Whoo! I'm reading Kill Your Friends by John Niven.
That's it.
Our lives are over.
We're fucked.
For the very observant, when they're all on the boat with the money Do you remember that scene, that slightly iconic shot when Woody suddenly says We could set sail for Africa.
And then what? Live in Africa.
And here we are, a year and a half later, in Africa.
There's not a day that goes by where we don't collectively say, "We're really lucky being here, working on this job.
" It's fun to shoot.
It's in a beautiful location, and it's with friends who I love and I think are great.
To be honest, I think I preferred Majorca.
Well What's going on there? Hey! As you can see, we're in North Yorkshire.
I'm loving it.
It's great.
That's the Max Beesley fan club.
Marvellous! Come all the way from Manchester to find him.
He's over there! Bienvenidos, amigos! You got any drink in? Give us a kiss.
Rick is a loose cannon.
Unpredictable Whoa! He's the one who's most likely to cry.
No! You're not listening! Woody! All right, Woods? All right? Woody is a kind of recovering alcoholic.
Four beers.
Seriously, Woody You shut the fuck up, or you're going over the side.
So he's quite He's quite, um, quietly tortured.
Have you got any idea what it's like to lose everything, hm? I'm not talking about your job or your driving licence and car keys.
I'm talking about losing your soul.
But he's a lovely guy.
I like playing him.
I like playing him a lot, and I think he's a loveable chap.
How you doing? Baxter is very much, er, a family man.
He's a failed lawyer.
He was working in an antiques business that didn't work.
He was running that.
He's desperate to be a good husband and be seen to be a good father.
Do you think I wanted this? Do you think I wanted to give up law? I studied for seven years for that, mate.
Seven years! And I lost everything! And I'm doing everything in my power not to hate the rest of the world for the rest of my life because of it.
Quinny! Quinn's good at looking moody.
I'd describe Quinn as a sort of frustrated underachiever.
How's the teaching working out for you? - It's lecturing.
- It's the same thing, innit? Hardly.
His marriage has broken down.
His wife has left him.
His children have moved on, have grown up a little bit and have gone to university, and he's left in the state of, um inertia.
How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb? How many? Two.
Two.
One to change the light bulb, - and the other one to hold my cock - Mother! Ladder! We started off with Ben Chaplin.
He was just fantastic as Alvo.
What shall we talk about, then? What about Rick's Rick's little liaison? And how he's got to try and stop the Quinnster from telling Nina all about it, because, as we all know, deep down, he's still in love with her.
You're out of order, Alvo.
A lot of names were mooted around for the character, cos obviously, we were adamant that we needed a name, because it doesn't run throughout the series, but the part is so important with Alvo, and it needed somebody with charisma, um, and style, and Ben fitted the picture perfectly.
How come he lent you the boat, then? No, he didn't.
What, so we nicked it? He put a goat in my pool.
He fucking nicked it! Oh, I knew it! We nicked it! Oh, boo-hoo-hoo! We're scared of getting into trouble! Boo-hoo-hoo, we want to go home! What a bunch of fanny merchants! Oi! Some of us have got responsibilities, mate.
Listen, Alv, turn the boat around.
Take it back now.
No.
I don't want to.
And he was superb in the part.
It's a great part, you know? The first episode is Alvo, absolutely, and we all take a, you know, a step back.
You don't need to include me.
I don't want any part of your villa.
Of course you don't, cos you think you're better than me, don't you? You always thought you were better than me - cleverer, smarter.
And now Now you can't for the life of you work out how I've ended up with all this.
We wanted to have five characters that you really like and really care about, that you really wanna watch, cos they're all stonkingly good actors.
And then at the end of it, you wanted to kill one of them.
I was emailing on my iPhone, and as I put in "Tony", it came up "Tiny".
He was originally gonna be 6'2", with massive teeth.
Why don't we make him a Spanish midget, like in, er, a David Lynch film? And they went and auditioned, and we got this guy Tomas, who came in, and he was just he was just amazing.
And the minute we had him, it just took it into a slightly a slightly stranger place, which we just all of us instinctively latched on to.
It's Tony Blair.
Tiny Blair, more like.
I don't know anything about a fucking boat, mate.
My favourite episode is episode three of series one, I think, when we get Tiny in the cupboard.
That was great.
Get him in here! Get him in the cupboard! I'll get the gun.
Right.
Now what we gonna do? Need to find out who he is.
Hoi! Who are you? He don't speak English, does he? Get one of Alvo's phrase books that he's given us.
Donde Donde esta su trabajo? What does that mean? I was trying to say, "Who do you work for?" but I could only find, "Where do you work?" Fuck you! See? He does speak English.
Shoot him! Shut up! I mean, he was just a bloke wearing a Tony Blair mask, but the fact he was tiny was just brilliant.
Who let the dogs out? Woof, woof, woof-woof They're fantastic to work with.
They're very, very, very quick, which means that we can work very fast.
They They have an instinct about how to do things.
They're all good, consummate film actors.
What we particularly love about Adrian is that he doesn't shoot a lot of coverage, which means, in terms of shooting, loads of different angles on it, and loads and loads of takes, and so we get to go home earlier, and, er, we love Adrian for that.
He's just a fantastic director.
He's got his own style.
He's got an incredibly laid-back energy about him.
He exudes calm.
He's got the experience, and, you know he just comes up with such brilliant ideas.
And he's so quick, he edits in his head.
Quiet, please.
I put the four of them on chairs.
We tracked down the conversation, tracked back up it, and it's a beautifully composed shot.
We only had eight, nine minutes to shoot it in, because the light was gonna go down like that.
Here we go, then! I can be very, very decisive with them, so that they'll actually go straight for something and do it.
Action.
What we gonna do, then? We have to start again.
New pretend lives.
No.
Couldn't face going through that again.
You don't get it, do you? There is no going back.
We had to make a decision about how we were gonna shoot it, just do it, and they'll do that.
They'll just do that, so that's fantastic.
It It started with Philip Actually, no.
I never call him Philip.
It started with me and Phil thinking we would like to get something off the ground.
Through Marc's friendship with Max, we knew we needed a fourth.
And Marc said "Well, what about Max?" It's a no-brainer! Yeah, of course.
A no-brainer.
I'd not heard from him for ages, and he said, "We've got an idea of Philip, John and I and yourself doing a show.
" When they mooted it, obviously we didn't say no.
We said, "YES!" I wrote a treatment of a thing that's called Two Roads, and it was about four guys in a band, and about, you know, the choices you make, and turning 40.
It was a great treatment that he'd written, but we just felt it had been done so well with Spinal Tap, and all that kind of You know, Still Crazy.
Suzanne sourced Cris, our writer Cris Cole.
He Basically he didn't do anything from the treatment, and just went on his own idea, but he came up with this idea.
He writes very well for, sort of, you know embarrassing middle-aged men running around trying to be friends again.
So it was kind of a joint effort in terms of, we got the guys together, and Cris put the story together.
Well, Cris as a guy is a quiet chap.
He's a thinker.
When we first started this, I sort of watched him quite closely, cos I think that Woody's got those sensibilities.
He's caring.
Cris is quiet, but you know underneath it he's very caring, and, er, he's, er he's a listener, a good listener.
So, yeah, I took a bit of that off him for the role, you know? The first series we had the island, and we kind of wanted it that the island was almost like a character in itself, and it was a bit like Lord Of The Flies.
So, you've got this beautiful, sort of, luxurious villa, and yet it becomes this very It's like a prison.
It's like a dangerous, deadly place.
What we gonna do with him? Hide him, obviously.
Yeah.
Where? Oh, shit! Sorry, Arv.
When they're faced with something totally alien, I think they're like little kids.
They don't know what to do.
Oh, dear! Your turn.
He's He's Here.
He's got his watch on.
I can't Fuck's sake! With Alvo's demise, I think Quinn sees himself taking over Alvo's role a little.
Well, he's sort of descending into some form of breakdown, really.
Well, they all are, a little bit.
It becomes a bit Lord Of The Flies.
You killed a fucking cop! Quinn, you've killed a fucking cop! And it's that moment, that realisation of, um, "This is it.
" They're gonna Certainly, from Quinn's point of view, this is the path he's gonna go down.
There's nothing for him back in England.
His life is over there, and he's sort of made this decision to go down this route and see what happens, and, er, make a life elsewhere.
You lot are gonna get on that flight and go home.
You've gonna get on with your lives, all of you.
You see, I'm staying here, and you're gonna forget about me, and you're not gonna think about it again.
See, er, I don't wanna see any of you ever again.
Well, you know, it's not every day you go and become a cop-killer! Hi! He's unmarked.
He's unmarked! Oh, look! It's the end! Yes! Are you all right, there, son? Are you all right, mate? What character are you being? Look who it is! The four Herberts! Oh, Jesus.
Hi.
What you doing here? So, little Jaime Winstone's on this job with us, which is beautiful.
Yeah.
I met her when she was about nine years of age, so I had my peacock feathers out the first day she came on here.
Get off me, you lunatic! What's that in your ear, Quinn? A wet willy? Fuck! Argh! Well, you know what Churchill said.
Fuck off! If you're going through hell, keep going.
Just tough it out, guys.
You can get through this.
You've got each other, for a start.
I'm the one all on her lonesome.
You don't see me walking around with a clown's frown.
She's got a lot of a experience and she's a dead-smart kid, you know? She's one of the boys, but at the same time, a beautiful little diamond.
She's awesome.
They're all very relaxed, and they're all so comfortable around each other that you instantly feel part of this family.
It's really nice.
I mean, they're all super-fun.
They've all got their You know, they have diva strops.
Oh, it's not going very well, is it? You're fucking embarrassing enough as it is.
It's, like, "Chill out.
We're in South Africa.
It's amazing.
" But it's very funny.
They are very funny to listen to.
I think Cris just adds things you don't see on television, like, in the first series, Tiny Blair.
The Tokoloshe is great.
Tokoloshe Tokoloshe is our special character.
I don't know if anyone's had proof of seeing the actual creature, but there's many examples of it, and one of it is, it's very short, it's very hairy.
It's man-like.
They put a nail on its head, in the middle of the head, so that it keeps it from growing.
This is a really, really scary character for a lot of people.
The Tokoloshe is really You don't mess around with it.
I get a lot of trippy visions of a Tokoloshe, this little crazy African sort of devil.
We've asked loads of people, and the story sort of varies.
Excuse me.
What do you know about the Tokoloshe? I don't know anything about this.
Sir, what can you tell us about What are you afraid of? Changes to other people, or an evil spirit that exists.
I don't know anything much about it, but everyone knows that you don't talk about Tokoloshes at this hour.
It's a bad idea.
They think that you're inviting them.
As soon as you talk about them, they'll start following you.
If you see a Tokoloshe, maybe you'll go blind or never speak again.
The Tokoloshe, he is known to be a very old person, or thing, so because it's been, you know, sort of forced not to grow, the beard sort of represents the ageing of the Tokoloshe, and yeah.
Because we wanted to find some African folklore that we could tap into, something something just to layer it, and keep sort of adding and adding different dimensions and elements to Mad Dogs.
Help! Help! Get down! What's that all about? They can't be looking for us, can they? Course they can.
But nobody knows where we are.
"The bank was sorting a float out, Rick.
" "Before I gave all your money away, that is.
" Oh, that's OK, guys.
Don't mention it.
I was just curious! The other day, Bax here was digging me out about not showing any gratitude.
Rick, please.
I just I've not got the strength for a fight, OK? But not one of you thanked me, though! Did you? Paying for the boat.
Eh? Thank you, Rick.
Don't take the piss! I'm not.
I'm being genuine.
Jesus! Talking of which where is it? Who tied it up? Well, I think the answer to that is "nobody".
We cut! It's wonderful because it goes from really high, intense, action drama to kind of silly, funny dialogue, and you kind of go, "Oh, God, these are just four normal guys in this really twisted situation," and you kind of go, "OK, what would YOU do?" Woody, what you doing? You're going the wrong way.
Woody, watch the gates! Fucking 'ell! Down! Early on in series one, Cris and I did start saying, "You could keep going.
" "You could keep going.
" Quinn! Let's get out of here, get to the mainland.
'I think this, right now, is the start of a whole new life.
' I put the money in the back of the car.
Let's go home, boys! I can help you.
Please! Argh! Let's go! Come on! Who are you? I'm the man whose money you took.
End of series two, we also had David Warner.
You know, when David's name was mooted around, it was like Yeah.
It was just interesting, you know? When you first read "Mackenzie", and it could go What I love about Cris's writing is the ambiguity of the characters.
Don't you dare tell me how to run my business! I don't come into your bedroom and tell you how to fuck your wife! You think this is a game? Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? Take my money, bye-bye, adios? Ta-ta for now? We're all going back to Blighty, mate? I didn't know it was your money.
You suddenly go with David, you know It was just a really interesting choice.
Give me one reason why I shouldn't blow your fucking face off.
Well, that's just it.
I don't have one.
You know, I like the fact that, er that he is sort of an atheist, but there's a kind of a spiritual quality about him as well.
I'm not a bad person.
But I killed someone.
And that's not sitting very comfortably with me.
There's this need to offload the guilt, and where better to do it than a church? Obviously none of them believes in it, else we wouldn't have stuffed money up the Virgin Mary.
Momento.
Momento.
Out the way.
Come on.
Go, go, go! Sorry! We like to offend as many races and religions as we possibly can, obviously.
Bit of each.
The second series was a very different ball game, more like a road movie.
Come on.
This is ridiculous! Who's the fastest runner out of us lot? Well, it's got to be between you and Woody, hasn't it? Hm, I dunno.
I dunno.
I'm pretty fast.
You're not as fast as me, though, are you? I think I probably was, yeah.
I don't think you are any more, mate.
I dunno.
I think I probably still could be.
You're living in the past.
Why don't you two have a race, and we'll hang about until you sort it out, yeah? Rick and Baxter wind each other up.
But that's mainly because I said to Cris, you know, "I'd like to argue with John a lot, so can you write as much stuff as you can with me shouting at John?" If they do trail us, it's me that's gonna get fucked over the most! There's not a lot I can do about that, is there?! Are you still banging on about that five grand? I'm going on about the fact that you can't keep your yap shut! They really genuinely do dislike each other.
You know what your problem is, don't you? No.
Why don't you tell me, Rick? You never admit it when you fuck up! It's a funny dynamic, you know, and Marc's such a great actor that we can make it funny in a way.
You don't wanna hear this, Bax, but I do really love you.
Fuck off.
Best actor? Um John.
Me.
Me.
John! John.
Who did they say was the best actor? Did they? Oh.
Who do you think's the best looking, then? Me.
Max.
Max.
Me.
Me.
And who do you reckon they'll say is the best looking? Max.
Most likely to appear on a quiz show? On a quiz show? Max.
Phil, for sure.
I want Phil to do Strictly Come Dancing, because he will win.
Me and Phil.
Max.
Sorry, Max.
Why you AND Phil? We might do one when we get back.
Might be funny.
And who misses you the most? Who misses me the most? My mum.
When I'm not on set? Bleedin' nobody, probably.
If they were chocolates, they'd eat themselves.
All in their own worlds, kid, when we finish this job.
Who's the grumpiest? I know what they're all gonna say, so I'll just say "me".
Phil.
Oh, Phil.
Phil.
He's not grumpy, but he loves a moan.
Sorry, Phil.
We're all quite grumpy.
I'm grumpy.
But not as grumpy as you.
Sorry.
We can all be grumpy at times.
But they'll all say me.
They said it last time, so I'm just gonna say "me".
The biggest girl Er, when it comes to, like, flies, and all you know, things like that, definitely Max.
Phil.
Phil's definitely the biggest girl.
Phil.
Hi, Phil.
Hi, Phil! And who loves the camera the most? Max.
Bigging you up here! Max.
Max.
Might be me.
Who has the biggest female following? I think that might be me.
Me.
Me! Probably Maxie, really.
Hmm He's talented.
If you know what I mean.
Who's the most likely to wake up with a smile on their face? Marc Warren.
Depending on who's with him.
Marc, depending who's next to him.
Well That's libellous.
Today we're on set filming the scene where um, my character springs Marc's character from this rehab centre.
Being chased by these guys.
Big guns.
Places.
All right, cock? OK! Wrap! Thank you.
Er, well done, lads.
Thank you very much.
Hello, gentlemen.
Well done on bringing us the money.
Welcome to Morocco.
We end up here at the end of series two, Morocco.
Don't, please! Don't! Leave him alone! Rick! Rick! We're in serious, serious shit, all four of us.
We're in trouble.
The CIA and various other government organisations need to get rid of us, so we have to assume new identities.
Well, there may be a solution, but we have to act now, this minute.
Your presence here is getting a little itchy for us.
Excuse us for the inconvenience! We may be able to get you out, take you to another country, new identities.
Then what? Then, I'm afraid, you're on your own.
We all opt to take the new identities, because the other alternative is that we actually get murdered.
It's always better staying alive, isn't it? Take care of yourselves.
Woody.
Hey.
We shouldn't be on our own.
When they're forced to part at the beginning of this one, it's really sad, I think.
I mean, it's really hard, I think, for all of them.
But they've got no choice whatsoever.
It's quite tough for Rick when he gets here.
He feels a bit abandoned and doesn't wanna be left here.
He sort of goes to pieces and he gets a drug habit.
All the characters are different so they deal with it in different ways.
Woody is a lovely, gentle, gorgeous guy, and so he's helping out in these townships and things like that.
See you.
If you love her so much, why don't you marry her? Then you can stop kissing her.
Yeah! Why don't you marry me and take me to England? Ooh, England! Ooh, take me too, take me too! And Quinn's, you know, quite, er I think he's a bit of a bon viveur.
Is there anyone in this bar you DON'T know? I know every disgraced politician, every gem smuggler, every identity thief and gold-digger that come through those doors.
See, you can't run a successful bolt hole if you don't.
And I think he's the one, again, out of all the characters, that adapts most easily to, um And Woody, as well, probably.
They're the two that seem to adapt and just fall into it, and and find that it's not a bad life, actually.
Baxter's just a very honest, hardworking guy who just wants to work and be a lawyer, and just desperately misses his children.
No, no, no, no.
What are you doing? Oh, shit! No! No! But, you know, these guys are entwined.
As much as they try to get away from each other, they can't.
'They need each other.
As much as they don't need each other, they need each other.
' They all revert to type when they're apart, but I think it's really sweet when they come back together, and I think the audience will want them to get back together, because I think they really have missed each other.
Not being funny or anything, but, um I've found this to be quite a macho country, really.
Yeah.
Yeah.
My character's kind of the answer to all our problems, really.
He's called Lazaro.
He's worked for the CIA for 27 years.
Is that your first name? No.
Your second? No.
So, what is your name? Lazaro.
He's a little bit crazy, though, so you're not quite sure whether he's gonna help or hinder.
You fucking left me alone! But whether he has his finger on the pulse of sanity is a major question.
African peyote.
What?! Known for its psychoactive properties, used locally as an entheogen.
As a what? Entheogen, in religious, shamanic and spiritual contexts, literally means "the god inside you".
Are you talking about tripping? He's dangerous, charming, funny you know, and to get to play that mixture of things is very rare.
You scoop out the flesh and chew it.
Then you start behaving like the village drunkard.
Hin hin haradala Hin hin haradala Hin hin haradala Hin haradala ho The guys tuck in and have an amazing trip.
Ball! Glove! That could already be in the ground.
I don't give a shit where the ball goes, as long as the swing looks good.
That reflector is fucking bright.
I've heard some excuses in my time! Stand by, then.
Here we go.
When we do the night scene, you could be walking towards us, and stopping, and you pull out a golf ball.
Bend down Ah, you want a ride? Where to? The choice is yours today, my friend.
Fuck off, Tony.
Thank you! Cut! Cut there? Just turn up, hit your mark, say your line.
Get to the bar.
That's how I work.
And long may it reign! Art is imitating life in this gig.
We all get on great.
You know, we just have a laugh.
We really have a laugh.
If we didn't, there wouldn't be any point doing it.
The scripts are great.
The cast are great.
The crew's great.
The director's great.
What's not to like? 'It's a dream job.
We won't be doing this forever.
'It'll be, like, three or four years in our lives, and I think it's something that I'll remember for the rest of your life, because it's just I dunno.
We're very fortunate.
So it's funny, it's dramatic and it's scary.
I'd watch it! And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.
Ah-hah.
That's great.
We're off to see the wizard The wonderful wizard of Oz Right.
Let's go.
Let's go.
Sunset Boulevard And what do I tell my husband? "Please, could you help my lover?" I think your husband is here.
My God! Got the camera in the fucking shot! In the shot, again! Oh, sorry! Are we I thought we were going for Yeah, from the top.
Fuck! Cut!