Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) s03e00 Episode Script

1 Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs.
Brown's Boys! SLADE "HERE IT IS, MERRY CHRISTMAS".
Hello.
Hi.
I slipped.
I've been up here for an hour and a half.
Grandad! Wake up, you bastard.
Well it's Christmas time again.
I've made my list.
Decorate Christmas tree.
That's not going too fuckin' well.
Buy turkey, not from Buster Brady.
Get the sprouts and boil them early.
Last year they were like Ironman's testicles.
I dropped one on the floor and it bounced straight back into the pot.
It's going to be a busy Christmas.
My son Trevor's home for a couple of days.
And Bono my grandson, he got a part in the Christmas play.
I have to see that.
Oh, and.
.
I wrote a letter to Father Quinn.
A formal letter making a formal request for my turn to play the Virgin Mary.
It's never too early.
The early bird is worth two in your bush.
Grandad! Bastard.
And it all starts as soon as I get off this tree.
Jaysus.
Hello! Hello! Too late, you bastard.
I love Christmas! Who's Debbie and Murty? They were the people you met on holiday in Wexford.
Nice people you said.
Nice people but I only just met them.
I didn't adopt them.
Morning.
Good morning luv.
Want tea Rory? No, I haven't time.
Rory, letter for you.
Thanks Mammy.
Open it, luv.
I'll read it when I get to work.
Open it now.
No really.
Open the fuckin' letter.
Oh my God! I'm after winning an award at the Irish Hairdressers Awards.
Congratulations! Can't wait to tell everyone in work.
Seeyas.
He's thrilled.
Yeah.
I knew he would be.
Dermot has a dentist's appointment on the 11th.
How do you know? What? Are you reading Dermot's mail? It's not Dermot's mail, it's family mail.
Not if his name is on the envelope.
That's an invasion of privacy.
My arse Cathy.
He works in promotions not for the Cia.
It's CIA.
Whatever.
I hope you don't read my mail.
You do! A lot of the times you're gone before the postman gets here.
I open it just in case it's important.
Well don't.
I mean it Mammy.
Don't.
Another one for you.
Oh, too late.
Hiya Winnie.
Howya Agnes.
The hospital said Jacko could be home for Christmas.
Lovely.
Did they say which Christmas? Winnie.
Did you ever look at Sharon's private things? Once when she thought she had an inflammation.
No! Her letters.
No Agnes.
That'd be wrong.
I even think that's illegal.
You're right.
If it's not illegal it should be.
Dear Cathy Brown.
.
It's just great to have you home Trevor.
Do you have to go back? Now Mammy, don't start that again.
Hello chicken.
Are you on your break? Yeah Ma.
Do you fancy a snack? Oh yeah.
Very funny Mammy.
Isn't it funny! Clean it up.
Any post for me Mammy? Yes, just the one.
Excuse me Mammy.
This was opened.
Don't be ridiculous.
Why would the postman do that? It wasn't the postman.
It was you.
I'm sorry, I fear you're mistaken.
Yeah Cathy.
People's post is private.
Everybody knows that.
Yeah Cathy.
You've a dentist appointment on Thursday.
Thanks Ma.
So Mammy, you want to play, fine.
Fine.
DOORBELL.
.
I'll get it.
Mammy, did Buster call looking for me? He called but he wasn't looking for you.
Why, what's he doing? He wants us to do a Santa Claus's grotto in one of the empty shops in the centre.
There's enough empty shops there anyway.
I know.
I think it's a great idea.
Mammy, there's someone here to see you.
Take a seat.
Hello Hillary.
Hello.
Hello Father Qui.
.
Who the fuck are you? Agnes.
This is Damien.
He's here temporarily so I thought I'd introduce him to some of the important people in the parish.
Then I brought him to meet you.
Hello Mrs.
Brown.
I'm Damien.
I'm filling in for Fr.
Quinn while he's on retreat.
Rehab again? Would you like a cup of tea Fr.
Damien? It's just Damien.
He likes people to call him Damien.
And I like people to mind their own fuckin' business.
Would you like a cup of tea Fr.
Damien? No Mrs.
Brown.
It's about your letter to Fr.
Quinn.
Requesting to play the part of the Virgin Mary in this year's nativity play.
I'd forgotten about that.
I'm afraid I have some bad news.
Go on.
There is no nativity play this year.
What?! The drama group are putting it on in Ballymun Parish this year.
PHONE RINGS.
.
Excuse me.
Wait a minute Father.
My family will put on a nativity play in the community centre.
The community centre may not be available.
You'll have to check with the head of the committee.
Which is you.
So it is.
You'll also have to get permission from the bishop.
Frankly, I'm not prepared to do that.
Why not? I believe this is just folly.
Mothers do that kind of thing.
Say they're going to do something, then nothing.
It's not a risk I'm prepared to take.
Right then, I'm off.
I'll start writing the nativity play.
Why do all mothers do this? Do what? When I say something she completely ignores me.
It's as if I haven't spoken.
It doesn't ever seem to sink in.
Father, is your mother alive? Yes but that's nothing to do with you or this nativity.
Doesn't it? I see.
Leave it Mammy.
Thanks for dropping in Damien.
He left in a hurry.
You might fuckin' join him.
That boy has issues.
Mother issues.
I'll try talking to him.
You do that.
In the meantime, I'm writing a nativity play.
I better be off.
Buster must be still looking.
Looking for what? A Santa Claus for the grotto.
We need somebody fat and jolly.
Fat and jolly.
Oh no.
What? He's gone over to talk to Sharon McGoogan.
You are kidding.
So Sharon said she wouldn't really be into it.
DOORBELL.
.
Hello, I think I left my phone behind! Hello! Hello.
I think you might be sitting on my phone.
Hello! PHONE RINGS.
.
Grandad, I think you're sitting on my phone.
Hello! Anybody! Hello.
Hello Hilary.
Hello.
Who is this? It's Agnes.
I'm sorry.
I'm finding it very hard to hear.
I'm in a bad area.
Maybe if you got closer to the phone.
Is this any better? Oh yes, that's much better.
Hilary, listen closely.
This is important.
Important yes, I got that.
If a gum boil could boil oil, how much oil would a gum boil boil? What? Oh for heaven's sake.
Come on! I was just taking a call.
Rory, you must be delighted with your award.
I am.
But I don't want to make a big thing of it.
I'm so proud of you, Rory.
Thanks Deano.
When you go up to collect that award I'll be standing there clapping like a sea lion on speed.
What? There's only one ticket to the awards party.
I'm going to the toilet.
In a polka dot dress with just one leg! I think the family doing a nativity play would be great fun.
Can Bono be in it? The whole family's in it Betty.
Even you.
No Mrs.
Brown, let someone else be the Virgin Mary.
That part is already gone.
What are you laughing at? I've no idea.
Are you religious, Mrs.
McGoogan? I am Maria.
I'm a great believer.
Except for the virgin birth and heaven and hell.
But apart from that? I'm a believer.
I believe in the virgin birth.
Oh yes.
I've never told anybody this but Cathy, you were a virgin birth.
Your father's Richard Branson! Do you believe in life after death, Mrs.
Brown? My Redser asked me that about a month before he died.
It's the last thing I ever heard him say.
He didn't speak after that? No, I just stopped fuckin' listening.
You had a baby with Richard Branson.
Was the sex good? Winnie, it was a joke.
Well at least you got a baby out of it.
Cathy, you might get cheap flights.
Right, I'm going to get them in.
I'm going to the little girls room.
I'll go with you.
Psst.
Go on, I'll mind your handbag.
What? Go for your pist.
No, come here.
Look at that.
It's a letter from a television company to Cathy Brown.
Did she fall for it? I think so.
She did.
She's showing it to Mrs.
McGoogan.
This is going to be fun.
Read that.
"Dear Cathy Brown, Thank you for entering your mother into the best Christmas mothers competition programme that we are making".
That's brilliant Agnes.
I know.
They're going to install secret hidden cameras all over the house.
To film me while I'm doing normal things.
Look.
"Do not tell your mother".
I won't.
What? I won't tell my mother.
No, Cathy's not to tell her mother.
Good cos my mother's dead.
Look, we just have to pretend the cameras aren't there.
Right.
So just act normal.
Fuck no, I want to win this.
The grotto's looking good.
I'm after getting a lovely chair for Santa Claus to sit in.
Where would we get a Santa Claus? I don't know.
I spoke to Fr.
Damien.
Well, what is it that has him so angry? He hasn't spoken to his mother in 5 years.
Keep talking to him, son.
I will.
What will I be in the nativity play, Agnes? One of the seven dwarves.
Brilliant.
Who's the other two? Now, how can I be a better Christmas mother today? Cos I want to be the best Christmas mother in the whole world.
I'll put the kettle on.
With spring water.
Only the best for my family.
Hello Mrs.
Brown.
Hiya Mammy.
If it isn't the happy couple.
And parents of triplets.
And their friend, the lovely Buster.
Hello.
Do come in, sit down.
How can I be of help to you today? Dermot's just on his way to work.
I'm off to the pharmacy to get something from the triplets.
They're all feverish.
The poor little mites.
Is there anything I can do? Maybe cuddle them or I could give them a kidney if they need it.
I'm just here to give Grandad his beard and hat for his first day as Santa.
Let me give it to him.
After all, I am his carer.
As well as being a mother I'm also a carer for Grandad.
Hello Princess! I'm just going to care for Grandad.
Cathy, what the hell is up with Mammy? Cathy, tell them please.
Now Grandad, I am going to place this beard on your face very tenderly.
Cos I am your carer.
Don't hit me! Don't hit me.
You're so funny! Those fuckin' cameras won't be there forever.
Now.
Now look.
See how tender that was.
I am tender cos I'm your carer.
I am a carer.
I care.
Mrs.
Brown, I would love a sandwich if you have one.
Yes, of course Buster.
There's always food available in the house for friends.
Right, I'm off.
I'll go with you.
Later.
Bye bye.
See you later.
These are lovely sandwiches Mrs.
Brown.
Tomorrow I think I'd like some fried brie cheese with some cranberry sauce.
What would you like Buster? A ham and cheese toasted panini.
Fine.
Would you like me to write that down for you Mammy? Oh no.
I have a photogenic memory.
I'm just going to go outside and have a smoke.
Sure have it here.
No.
I wouldn't smoke where there's food.
Where you're eating.
Gosh no.
What kind of mother would that be.
CAT SQUEALS.
.
Pan-fuckin'-ini.
Right Buster, come on.
Seeya Mammy.
Good luck.
I'm so glad they enjoyed my cunilingus efforts.
If it isn't my next door neighbour and best friend, Winifred.
Hello Winifred.
How are you today? Sorry.
Wrong house.
Winnie! It's me.
Agnes.
I'm sorry Agnes.
Why are you talking like that? Get under the table.
Winnie, for God's sake.
You're forgetting about the cameras.
I'm sorry.
Keep it in mind.
I've got somebody coming but it shouldn't take too long.
You put the kettle on in your house and I'll come over and have a cup of tea.
Right.
Yoga under the able.
I never tried that before.
What a good idea Winnie.
Maybe you should go home to your own house.
Have a safe journey.
Farewell Agnes.
I go now and make merry in my kitchen.
Winnie, f off.
PHONE RINGS.
.
Hello, The Brown residence.
Hello.
Thank you very much for calling back.
DOORBELL.
Grandad, get that feckin'.
.
! Grandpappy.
Could you attend to the door please? The witch is in the kitchen.
All big families are like that.
Children just moan, moan, moan.
Mammy, get your foot off my throat.
Just hold on please.
Somebody wants to talk to you.
It's your mother.
It's Christmas.
Now be Christian.
Hello.
Yes Mother, it's me.
I've missed you too.
Take as long as you need, son.
Don't touch the fuckin' biscuits.
All clear.
Well Winnie, we seem to be alone.
What shall we do? I know.
Let's have afternoon tea.
Agnes, why are you talking like that again? Winnie, you forgot about the feckin' cameras.
Sorry.
The pretend cameras, I forgot.
Just keep them in your mind.
So Winnie, shall we.
.
? What do you mean pretend cameras? Sharon told me Cathy wrote the letter about pretending cameras were in the house.
What?! When did Sharon tell you this? The day after you showed me the letter.
Why didn't you tell me? Because you told me not to talk about it.
Anyway you were enjoying it.
Enjoying it! I'm exhausted running after them bastards.
Well I'm going.
Thanks Winnie.
Thanks for feckin' nothing.
You're welcome.
I'm home Mammy.
I'm in the kitchen Dearest.
Hiya Mammy.
Hello Princess.
Eh lunch? Do sit down.
Let me present it to you.
Here we go.
Oh, oh I'm so sorry.
Oh my God.
You know, don't you.
You bet your cotton pickin' knickers I know.
Merry Christmas.
Science and nature! There you are, luv.
Thanks for this Ma.
It's our last chance of a Christmas night out.
It's my pleasure.
I'm delighted to have Bono staying over.
He's in bed but he'll not sleep.
You leave him to me.
I'll go up and try and tuck him in.
Thanks.
DOORBELL.
I'll get it.
What do you want? I just wanted to say I'm sorry.
Have a great night at the awards.
I'm not going.
What? I'm not going without you.
Come in.
Can you not sleep Bono? No Granny.
I'm too excited for Santa Claus coming.
It's just so close.
I know.
I was like that when I was a little girl.
What have you got there? My old music box.
My daddy gave that to me when I was about your age.
I remember my father's smile.
And the glow of a bedside light.
He'd tuck the blankets beneath my chin to settle me for the night.
And the stories that he'd tell to me.
They had a magic, now so it seems.
They all began once upon a time in a land of fairytale dreams.
CHRISTMAS MUSIC.
.
Listen, it's Daddy's song.
There'd be a princess that no man could resist.
She'd turn a frog into a prince with just a kiss.
And a knight in shining armour with a magic sword.
Daddy'd act it out word for word.
When it came to the part where the hero died, he'd cuddle me while I cried.
And he'd whisper in my ear, don't you worry dear.
Heroes never die.
What's this? The bishop's permission to stage a nativity play.
Come in.
But the greatest hero in my life, he never slayed a dragon or left any troll dead.
No.
He was just a plain and simple man who each night tucked me in my bed.
When I think of Daddy and his love and his touch and how we all laughed so much I don't miss him you know.
Not a single bit.
Sure why would I? Heroes never die.
Goodnight Bono.
Merry Christmas.
And Merry Christmas to you too.