The Batman (2004) s03e00 Episode Script

B-7 G-46 Before the cops nabbed me, I stashed cash.
Millions.
Hey! Sit down! Did you hear me? Millions! Can't you see I'm on a roll here? Come on, Penguin.
Hear me out! Ahem! Bingo! Hur.
.
N-17 It was thirty years in the slammer and ten here in Arkham.
(Bingo!) But the fact is, I cannot take one more day in the cuckoo's nest.
I am willing to split the take 50-50, if, you can get us out of here.
And where might we retrieve our little nest egg? Gotham Cemetary, north end.
The crypt behind the tombstone with the cross.
But I think I'll keep more specific directions to myself until we get there.
Together.
You don't have to worry about trusting me, old pal.
I'm as dependable as the dodo.
I knew you were rock solid, Penguin.
Not like that other guy.
You told someone else? Well, first I went to the only one who's escaped from here more times than you.
Who? Take it easy! I don't think he got what I was telling him.
Who, who, who?? I mean, talk about having a real screw loose, right? You told him? Joker! He's escaped! Goodbye Arkham, hello, Gotham! That crook loop's got the step on me! Come on, come on! That means you! Ooh, it's Joker! Where? Bingo.
Tweet, tweet.
Penguin, you old featherbrain.
What brings you out of Arkham? Same as you, clowny.
But I think we can save each other a whole lot of trouble if we agree to split the take.
See your point.
Partners? My, Pengy.
You really know how to shake! Instant karma, Joker.
Don't get caught in the rain without your straitjacket.
Batsy, you're such a card.
Gotham Cemetary.
A casket, a casket which crypt's got the money casket? No sign.
Tombstone with a cross, tombstone with a Catch! Give it up.
This time I'm out for bloody, Batsy.
It's behind the cross.
This must be the place.
I'll take what's behind door number 1.
Whoa.
Like that will stop me.
Show me the money.
I'm bleeding! This isn't paydirt, it's just dirt! Where is that loot?! What's that? Show's over.
The show must go on.
You wouldn't leave your pal hanging, now would you? Almost had you! Bye bye, Batsy! Hey! Cemetary's closed! That will do.
Looks like I'm the main course.
Dead guys don't do that! Not dead.
Undead.
I think I need to unwet my pants.
I will require a human servant.
A sentinel to guard my coffin while I sleep.
You.
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.
I'll have you know, Sir, I am a Cobblepot.
And Cobblepots do not serve.
I'm Penguin, I'll be your server.
I shall darn that straight away, Sir.
Sir? You are brooding.
More so than usual.
Alfred.
Tonight, Joker met his demise.
And our old friend, Cobblepot? Penguin's trail went completely cold.
I have been at rest for quite some time.
Transylvania has changed.
Oh, O Dark One, you're not in Transylvania anymore.
This is Gotham City.
Then if I am no longer in Transylvania, near my castle, it must be due to forces outside my control.
Events which occurred, following my death.
It seems, after I was vanquished, my remains were relocated, far from Transylvania.
Very well.
Now take me on a tour of this Gotham, native guide.
The night is young, and still I thirst.
Wayne Industries feels an obligation to remain committed to socially responsible programs.
A prime example would be our work in the field of alternative energy sources.
Amazing.
Well, I like to think we're just doing our part.
I mean, you've been here nearly 40 minutes and haven't bolted for the door.
My work sometimes calls me away.
Well Bruce, I'm sure you can imagine how four false starts at an interview might make a reporter feel rejected.
Now I have a question for you, Vicki.
Shoot.
Where's your camera man? I, uh, gave him the day off.
Figured that way, Gotham TV News might have a better shot at getting to know the real Bruce Wayne.
Gotham TV News, or Vicki Vale? Well, I'm not the one who picked a restaurant with such a beautiful view.
I'm sorry, Vicki.
Would you believe, I have to wrap this up.
That was professional, Vale.
No it's, it's not that.
I still have a ton of things to prepare for the energy expo at the mansion tomorrow night.
Why don't you come? But my story airs tomorrow morning.
I meant as my date.
The tally of missing persons has spiked dramatically in Gotham this past week.
With the Gotham PD no closer to uncovering who or what might be behind the mysterious disappearances of these "Lost Ones", a cloud of fear hangs over our city.
Gotham PD aren't the only ones who're baffled.
Might the missing Penguin be behind this? No ransom demands, not his style.
And speaking of news, how was your dinner with the lovely Vicki Vale? Short, but sweet.
I invited her to the expo tomorrow night.
And, to dinner here, Saturday.
To think I was beginning to fear you prefered the company of archvillains.
On that note, let's see if tonight turns up Penguin or any of these Lost Ones.
I lost Joker, I'm not going to lose anyone else on my watch.
My purse! A rent-a-cop? Whoa! Oh thank goodness.
Guess I'm not needed.
Did you find my bag? A man who dresses like a bat.
Oh phsaw.
The Batman may look the look, but he has none of your mojo.
I am nonetheless intrigued.
My legacy has been quite influencial.
Vampires, Master Bruce? Are you certain you're not suffering from sleep deprivation? I don't want to believe it either, Alfred.
But I know what I saw.
Fangs.
Poppycock.
Easily purchased at any halloween superstore.
It wasn't just the teeth.
The way they moved, their eyes.
They weren't human.
Yes.
Well, might I remind you before one urban legend becomes too obsessed with another, you are hosting the Wayne Industries energy expo here, tonight.
With the ravishing Vicki Vale on your arm.
Time for my master to rise and shine.
Wakey-wake, it's nighty-night! You have places to be, people to bite.
Those bloodshakes really work wonders for your complexion.
Rise, my children of the night.
We shall take Gotham, human by human.
Until our blood flows through its canals, transfiguring it into the city of the undead.
As you execute my dark purpose, I shall stake my claim among Gotham's elite.
Well if you're looking to be numero uno of the rich and famous, there's one bird you'll have to knock off its perch.
You there, more napkins at the buffet.
You, attend to the spill in the study.
And you, Stipes, I realise this assignment may not be as big a priority to you as catching your next wave, but would you mind tucking in your shirt? Dude, come on, chill.
Caviar chills.
Alfred Pennyworth, serving captain, does nothing of the sort.
Truly magnificent.
Oh, my necklace? It's a family heirloom.
And you are? Alucard.
Doctor Alucard.
Bruce Wayne.
I don't believe we've met.
I am new to Gotham, a recent transport from Eastern Europe.
Really? What line of work are you in? Cultural anthropology.
I am here to study your city's Batman.
Our city's? You mean to tell me Budapest has a Dark Knight too? Rare instances have been documented of a man who assumes the likeness of a bat, in societies ancient as well as modern.
And I believe, that while instilling fear by night, these beings cloak themselves as normal members of society.
Fascinating theory.
Bats are fascinating creatures.
As are you, Doctor.
If you'll excuse us, we've got to circulate.
Hmm, seems you've picked up that he's my type, huh? Tall, dark, and weird? We spoke of my work, what of yours? Research and development.
For instance, the Wayne Industries' SL5.
It's the most efficient technology to date for collecting solar energy, and storing it as true sunlight.
It's about time science did something positive with the sun.
Hors d'oeuvres? Beef steak tartare, exquisite.
I prefer my meat cooked.
Some garlic shrimp? But you must, it really packs a punch.
Please excuse me, I must find something with which to wash this down.
Bruce? Are you alright? I'll be right back.
There's something I need to attend to.
Master Bruce.
I know the night is terribly alluring to you, but Miss Vale is waiting for you.
Sir! Is everything alright? Alfred? I don't remember how I got out here.
Alucard.
Sir? Master Bruce? You freaked me out.
Looking for some munchies? You there.
Circulate! Empty-handed? This time I am out for blood.
Stipes! Mister Stipes.
Now what is wrong with this picture? Correct.
No cheese platter.
Which means you are headed the wrong way.
And look at yourself.
Was I not clear the first Oh dear.
Oh, leaving before desert? I have had my fill.
Though not of you.
When might I see you again? Tomorrow morning.
On Gotham TV News.
Phew.
Dodged that bullet.
Sorry Vicki, I'll be right back.
Master Bruce! The mirror, he had no reflection! Sir, did you hear me? Pardon me.
Thanks.
Whatever are you writing? His name.
Alucard.
So it would seem Gotham is not merely being visited by vampires- But the king of all vampires.
Count Dracula.
On the bright side, no corpses drained of blood have turned up.
Which means Dracula hasn't slained anyone.
Yet.
And the dark side? If each of the lost ones in turn feeds on others- Their numbers will grow exponentially.
Into an army of vampires.
Stopping Dracula won't be enough.
I need to rescue his victims.
All of them.
Before Gotham has a plague in its hands.
Rescue vampires, Sir? Vampirism may be rooted in the supernatural, but it infects blood.
And if it's transmitted like a disease, there's a chance it can be treated.
We have the advantage of the largest old-school medical library in Gotham.
Right here, under our roof.
Yes.
And it's always an honor to hunt for knowledge.
Especially when it is courtesy of Doctor Thomas Wayne.
What is it about you that keeps me coming back? Your boyish charm, hot bod, tons of money? If only I were shallow.
There's something deeper, bubbling below your surface.
It's not hard to imagine why you're out to save the world with science and all your charities.
The question is, when will you let someone rescue you? Vicki Vale.
What? I'm on my way.
We just received exclusive breaking news on the lost ones.
Vicki Vale is live on the scene at downtown Gotham; here's her report.
Fancy that.
Two night owls on the same case.
You are meant for each other.
It seems Gotham PD may have new information regarding the mysterious disappearances.
Thanks to an eye witness who has this to say.
I saw what got the guy.
Saw it with my own two eyes.
It was a bat.
I saw a huge shadow of a bat- As such, Gotham PD has concluded that perpetrator behind these bizarre abductions is none other than the Batman.
Well this could put a kink in the relationship.
It's way past your bedtime, Sir.
With more citizens vanishing every night, all we know is that the shadow of the bat now strikes fear not only in criminals, but in the hearts of all Gothamites.
Mighty gracious of the Batman to take all the blame for you.
Sucker! You like? It's a plasma screen.
You know, as in blood? Oh, the girl.
You have been in the grave a long time, Master.
Nice jugulars.
Even her name possesses a mysterious allure.
Vale.
I think it's time to seek my bride.
One of the first to vanish was a night watchman.
At Gotham Cemetary.
That seems as good a place as any to catch a vampire.
And do know that the windows and doors of Wayne Mansion are not the only objects I enhanced with garlic.
It's him.
The Batman.
Please, hurry.
I don't want to be a lost one.
Attention all SWAT units.
We have a Batman sighting in the vincinity of Gotham Cemetary.
Graveyards may not wash.
Not if vampires have an aversion to crosses.
So the folk tales are true.
There is another bat in Gotham.
Count Dracula, I presume.
A legend, you are apparently intimate with.
Don't flatter yourself.
We cast kindred shadows, have you not seen the news? I don't harm people.
You have no concept of the harm of which I am capable, if only because I really hate to waste a life when it can be spent in servitude to me.
Life, or living death? To become vampire, is to heighten all of one's senses.
To attain speed, strength, and immortality.
Dripping with garlic.
I shall most certainly steer clear of those.
Try as you may, you cannot outbat me.
Join me, Batman.
Join my legion of the undead.
Not interested.
Then I thank you for keeping my legacy alive in my absence.
But now there is only room for one Batman in Gotham.
You spurned my offer of eternal life.
The next time, we do not part until maggots feed upon your flesh.
Al-fred Oh dear.
You! Only a dream, Master Bruce.
Wish I could say the same about last night.
Dracula's stronger than the Batman in every way.
Physically, mentally.
I'm even being swallowed up by his legend.
Sir? The more the Batman tries to protect Gotham, the more Gotham fears him.
As if he were the son of Dracula.
Mustn't wake Master too early, doesn't like the sun in his eyes.
Mustn't be late, he'll be hungry and cranky.
Hmm.
Almost dark.
Huh, what? You! Everyone's so shocked to see me these days.
You, the fisherman who found me tangled in his net.
By the way, who knew electroshock therapy could be so invigorating? But that's all water under the bridge, cause Joker's back from the grave.
Yeah, a lot of that going around.
Speaking of graves, Penggy, might you be hiding buried treasure? No! There's nothing in there! Thought we were partners! Some hideout you got here, Penggy! Dripping with atmosphere.
I'm warning you Joker! There's nothing here for you! Ooooh, that is one fat looking vault.
No, Joker! That's one good looking corpse.
Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed.
You, want to give blood? A break-in at the bank.
As you have more apocalyptic matters to attend to, might you be leaving this one to the police? It's a blood bank.
A bold finish of wild cherries, with a hint of oak.
Joker? Undead and kicking! Funny, you're my second Batman tonight! And you're both pains in the neck! Batman, you're one dead duck! Garlic.
Eww.
Sir? Your garlic bombs did the trick.
We have our test subject.
Anything, Sir? Joker's not talking.
He won't reveal Dracula's resting place, not so long as he has vampire blood in his veins.
Batsy!! Joker has suffered a fate crueler than death.
I intend to bring him back to the land of the living.
With a little blood work.
Hey little girl.
You shouldn't be out here.
Solar generator prepped and ready, Sir.
Joker's blood didn't withstand the sunlight.
I know you're near, Batsy.
I can smell the precious nectar pumping through your veins.
Find anything of value? To be quite honest, so much vampire lore exists, that it is difficult to separate fact from fiction.
Carmilla Karnstein, the bride of Count Dracula.
According to legend, her bloodthirst rivalled even his own.
It seems they were- Meant for each other? If Cupid's arrow could penetrate a heart so black, there may be hope for you yet, Master Bruce.
Miss Vale.
It's Saturday night.
The dinner! I completely forgot with all of this blood sucking nastiness about.
The horror! The horror! Tell her I'm running late.
Coming! Miss Vale.
Please, do come in.
Why do you torment me, Batsy? I thought you cared.
Trust me Joker, I'm trying to help you.
Then feed me! Got ketchup? The grief must continue to affect Bruce.
I mean, no one ever really gets over a trauma like that.
Master Bruce has his outlets.
He must fear losing those he cares about.
Which would explain his difficulty in letting people get close.
You have been most patient, Miss Vale.
Do I smell garlic? Uh, that would be dinner.
He isn't coming, is he? Thirsty.
Burning up inside.
I can't take it anymore! Have mercy on a sad clown.
Dracula's resting place, where is it? Don't you see? The choice isn't mine to make.
I am his vessel.
Batsy, you complete me.
Stable.
Vicki.
Astonishingly, she still speaks the world of you.
Lunch.
It's about time, Batsy.
You're late! Taste's a little off.
You sure this is fresh? No games, Joker.
Where's Dracula? I'm looking at him.
Where's Penguin? Penguin? Where's Gotham Cemetary? Cemetary.
Am I.
.
am I dreaming? No, just insane.
Which is why you're going back to Arkham.
The cure had an interesting side effect.
It seems when vampirism leaves one's system, so does the victim's memory of it.
Perhaps for the better, Sir.
After all, Gotham can barely accept the legend of the Batman.
However will they deal with the truth about Dracula? Hopefully that won't be an issue after tonight.
Dracula's holed up in Gotham Cemetary, where I intend to bury him.
Permanently.
Begging pardon, Sir.
You think your magic bullet may actually destroy Dracula? Dracula may walk like a man, but he's a monster.
Wait, wait up! Wait! Miss Vale.
Doctor Alucard.
Now you of all people should know better, Miss Vale.
Alone at night? Yeah I know.
The lost ones.
I wasn't planning on missing my train.
It may be some time before the next one arrives.
Would you like to join me? For a drink? Uh, thank you, but I'm running late.
So I'll catch a cab.
Have a good night, Doctor.
Sorry Vicki.
Tonight, I have a date with Dracula.
You have reached Wayne Mansion.
Please leave a message at the tone.
Master Bruce, I know you are eager to put an end to this reign of terror, but would it not be more prudent to wait until sunrise? If you cannot guarantee your victory, Sir- Gotham loses.
I'll need every advantage.
And for once it is a big morning that the Batman has ahead of him.
Do get some rest.
After returning Vicki's call.
She's not picking up.
Sir? Vicki.
Hi Bruce.
It's Vicki.
You won't believe who I just bumped into.
Tall dark and weird? Oh, well.
I was hoping you might be around to rescue me- Sir, it is many hours before daybreak.
I think Vicki's been patient enough.
Right then.
My children of the night.
Gather witness.
The blood wedding.
Vicki Vampira Vale.
So what do we call her? Mrs Dracula? You misunderstand, Penguin.
Miss Vale lacks the bite I require in a mate.
Meet my true bride.
But she's- Ashes? Carmilla suffered the fate of immolation by sunlight.
An almost permanent death.
Mere blood cannot repair her, as it would have punctured her heart.
To resurrect my bride, she must feed upon the very essence of life itself.
Master, take my soul.
Joker's footprints.
So this is how Dracula bypassed the crosses.
I once tapped into these long forgotten catacombs.
Apparently so did he.
An unwanted guest.
The lost ones? Where are we? I don't know, but let's get everyone out of here.
You dare interrupt the ceremony.
You cannot win.
No human can resist my will.
Good boy.
Once my bride has had her fill, I shall offer up your corpse as a wedding gift.
My bride! Batman? If my bride cannot have your soul, Vicki Vale, I shall have your blood! Run! Go! Maybe you didn't hear, Master's not through with you! It's scarcely midnight, Batman.
Sunrise will not help you this time.
No need to see you, Batman, I can smell your blood.
Master Bruce is triangulating his location, from within the catacombs? Come here! I do hope this is a positive turn.
Count Dracula! I will drain you dry, and use your cape as a dinner napkin.
Oh dear.
Now where did you disappear to, my pretty? Knock knock.
Here's Ozzy! Impressive dwelling.
It shall be your tomb.
Bite this! You may have cured my human victims of their disease, but no earthly medicine can cure a supernatural affliction.
Go on, run.
I am beyond human, Batman.
I am evil incarnate.
I am the prince of- Darkness? Rise and shine.
You are Bruce Wayne.
I'm the Batman.
And you're dust.
I shall sweep that into the dustbin, straightaway.
Soon Master will drink your uh, blood and stuff- What am I talking about? Huh? Treasure! That's what I'm talking about! Freeze! Tonight, Gotham breathes a sigh of relief.
The lost ones have been found.
It seems Penguin was behind the bizarre plot to use the hostages to recover a missing mob treasure.
Though details remain sketchy due to amnesia inflicted on the hostages, apparently via some sort of hypnosis.
But the hostages are safe and sound.
And it now seems that the Batman was unfairly blamed for Penguin's crimes.
So it is safe to say we can swap his status from villain back to vigilante.
It was vampires I tell you, vampires! With big honking fangs.
Good thing they've kept Penguin's pet at Nest Warm back at Arkham Asylum.
Now here's a twist.
Instead of covering the news, reporter Vicki Vale has become it.
See any vampires, Vicki? Just bats.