A Black Lady Sketch Show (2019) s03e01 Episode Script

We don't have to get ready! Because we stay ready! Ha ha, when I say "deep," you say "condition!" - Deep! - Condition! - Deep! - Condition! - Deep! - Condition! May the purge be with you! And also with you! Amen.
- Now, for 364 days - Whoo! Whoo! We have suffered with half-used hair products that have gathered dust, sittin' around in our beauty cabinets Taunting us! You won't use me.
I won't work! I'm gonna make you look worse than when you came! - Whoo! - No more, ladies! No more moisturizers, serums, and gels reminding us of a bygone era of bad hair experiments! And if you--hold on, sis.
Just scoot those in there for you.
I don't want you to drop them out.
There you go.
Ladies! We trained for this! Today, we fight back! Today, we take what's ours! Today we take control! It's control! I need you to secure your laces and your lace fronts 'cause it's time to bob and weave! This is not a test.
This is your emergency broadcast system signaling the annual product purge.
Commencing at the siren, any and all hair products purchased in a previous calendar year that did not bring about the desired results, can be returned for the next 12 minutes.
No receipts, no restrictions.
May God be with you.
Go, go, go, go! Move, heffa! Hey, sis! Who's that adorable girl with her? That's Carol, and that's Carol's daughter-- oh! Go on without me! Girl, you better focus! Let's go! Come on! We was just work friends.
Save my edges! I'm a donor! - What the--ooh.
- Really? - Girl, here you go.
- Oh.
All right, well, you still seein' that dude you met at the Keyshia Cole concert? No, girl, we had less chemistry than a college athlete's transcripts.
- I let him go-- - Oh, oh! Hey! Single file, ladies.
We go through this every single year.
I want this line tighter than, baby, your own braids.
- Thank you.
- Think you'd be used to it - by now.
- Well - With your attitude.
- Who you textin'? - You takin' selfies? - What? Oh, my God, you got chips in your mouth! I mean, at least show 'em a little titty then if you're gonna do it.
You know, you right about that.
- I didn't even think about this.
- Come on! - Okay.
- Girl, your man can wait.
Oops, it seems like we're all a little thirsty here.
- Very! - Very much so.
- Clearly! - We are, clearly.
You want me to turn this around--is that what it is? Yes, the product purge is almost over! You know Oh.
It's red light, green light.
Okay.
Okay, we are adults, ma'am.
Thank you! - Whoo! - The annual product purge - has ended.
- I got 2,500 this time! That is next month's mortgage payment.
You know, it's too bad Bella couldn't be here to see this.
I'm pretty sure she died.
Ooh, tomorrow's wash day.
I think I'm gonna try Pattern's Intensive Conditioner.
Oh, I was looking at that.
Come on.
- Oh, God! Somebody's fuckin' watchin' us.
And why is Ashley Subject Number One? - Ah! Huh? - I'm sorry.
- Ah.
- Hello? - Everything you've known about the end of the world - has been a lie.
- What in the Lady T-Pain? Class, as you know, here at Luther Vandross Preparatory Academy, we love diverse perspectives.
Last week at career day, we heard from a firewoman, and today, we're gonna meet a real doctor.
Yes? I want to be a doctor! Well, all you have to do is say it like I did! Excuse me, queen.
I'm Dr.
Hadassah Olayinka Ali-Youngman, pre-PhD.
As-salaam-alaikum, young kings and queens.
Say good morning, children.
- Good morning.
- Good mornin'.
Who's in mourning? See, see, see, the white man will have you speaking death into the top of your day.
Tryin' to kill your dreams just like they killed UPN.
- Write it down! - Sweetie, you don't need to take notes on this.
You need to take notes on this! It's Black history! You know UPN, kids? "One on One"? "Girlfriends"? "Cuts"? "Eve"? "All of Us"! "Half and Half"! Nothing? "Veronica Mars"! - You better not.
- I'm sorry--they're all nine.
So no.
Kids, when I say as-salaam-alaikum, you say-- Wa-alaikum-salaam, my sister.
That is correct, my young king.
Very good.
Now today, I'm here to talk to you about my new self-published pre-Pulitzer book! Isn't every book pre-Pulitzer? - "Charlotte's Web"! - Yes! "Of Lies"! Well, at least there's still a pig! You like pigs? Huh? No, no, no, my young queen! See, see, see, the FDA funds the swine industry to destabilize the Black community.
Is that what you want? Do you like bacon? Well, bacon breaks down to bae-con! "Bae," 'cause they wanna cozy up to us, and "con," because it's been a conspiracy the whole time! You think it's breakfast.
I say it's a travesty.
Oh, fun! Class, isn't it fun to hear new ideas? No matter how strange.
Remember our opinion sock.
Opinionsif you just have one, it's no fun! - Right? - A white sock with a pink toe in a class full of Black children? It's a sock.
It's probably made out of cotton too.
That's what they make socks out of! Lord Jesus.
You know what? You know what kind of sock I have? No sock! Okay? You don't have any lotion on either, but-- Because it's white! - Yes? - What kind of doctor are you? Great question, Jacoby.
Pre-PhD.
It says it right here.
- That's not a thing.
- In the writing.
- Typed it myself.
- My dad's a nutritionist.
Can't you just teach us about the food pyramid or something? Okay, that's a child.
You wanna learn about pyramids? The food pyramid.
Chapter eight! Pyramids! And other things white people would rather give aliens credit for than Black people! - See, see, see! - See, see, see.
See, see, see.
See, see, see.
My hair? Yes, I did cut it.
My roommate says I look like Chaka Khan.
Four divided by two is anyone? Yes, Hailey.
Hadassah.
Hm.
Thank you.
It'll ring soon.
Keep it quick! Okay, so four divided by two is another Black family broken up by the oppressor! See, see, see, the division symbol itself represents the Black man and the Black woman separated by the wall of white supremacy.
Four divided by two equals two.
So see, see, see your way back to your seat, Hailey.
See, see, see! See, see, see shore chuckle! Laughter is not the best medicine! African Black soap is.
Everybody knows that.
Class, let's be nice.
Yes, Dr.
Hadassah has shared some unique perspectives with us today, but that's no need to be rude, and I'll read the website more closely next time.
- Sorry.
- Well, I, for one, am very, very intrigued.
Raheem's dad.
Pardon the intrusion, Ms.
Frost.
I need to pick up my seed early.
Balal's Brothers are performin' at Hilltop Coffee at 1:00 p.
m.
Yeah, great reason to take a kid away from school.
Peace, most high queen.
Peace and Black power, my most respected and chiseled king.
Please, just call me Supreme Ramik.
Your eyes - they areso Egyptian.
- Thank you, my pharaoh.
I don't think I've ever seen a brow that manly.
How did you do it? I was carved out of the homeland.
- Oh.
- What is happening? I love your stones.
Where did you get these? - Swap meet.
- Me too.
Mm, and your scent oh like a cherry blossom by the airport.
- Mm - Mm - Mm.
- Mm.
- Mm - Mm-mm-mm-mm.
Rahim, you ready? Yeah, you know what? Take him.
I'm tired of being addressed as "female.
" - Um, I have an extra ticket.
- Yes.
Allow me to escort you.
Okay, open your math books.
Learn something.
Marcus, your dad's still single, right? I'm scared, baby.
I'm scared.
I just hope she's okay.
You know, baby? She's gonna be all right.
Your sister can win a arm wrestling match - against Busta Rhymes.
- She did.
She can do anything.
I really hope so, baby, because Jamisha's my only twin sister.
- Mr.
and Mrs.
Matthews? - It's the nurse, baby.
So Jamisha's WBC was mad low, nah mean? So we gave her IV of AB negative, nah mean? - Nah, I'm positive I don't know what you mean.
Look, the only letters I care about is is-my-twin-okay? Yo, my wife is stressin' right now.
Stressin' right now.
Okay? So what do you mean? Well, at least she not DOA.
Nenemean? But with her DOB though, she either have a DNR.
Know wah mean? - I don't know what she means.
- Nah, nah.
We don't know what you mean Deadass, what are you talking about? - At all.
- Okay, when I get a EKGs, I will give you an update ASAP, you know I mean? Yer! Okay, good, a doctor.
'Cause purple suit is wylin'! - Mm-mm-mm.
- Doc, I just need to know if my twinnie's gonna be okay, all right? She's the peppermint for my pickle.
So please just use words, no more acronyms.
Okay, well let me be perfectly clear.
- All right.
- The atherosclerotic plaque was removed during cardioplegia, avoiding thromboembolism or whatever.
avoiding thromboembolism or whatever.
The fuck! Oh, I mean, uh, you know, I didn't mean to be all like that.
You know what I mean? Let me say it a little bit more polite.
Uh what the fuck? - Oh, okay.
- Doctor, my twin and I have a really special twin connection.
My heart is her heart.
So whatever happens to her heart is gonna happen to mine! I need to know what to worry about.
That's not science, but um, let me see, let me see.
Uhoh, okay.
Well, that's arrhythmia atrial fibrillation, post-operative cognitive decline or whatever.
You know, aorta complications or whatever.
Yo, you ain't even makin' no sense! Yo, you buggin' right now! I say you buggin'! You know what? I'm tellin' you-- - Code red, niggas wylin' in the ICU.
Code red, niggas wylin' in the ICU.
Oh, baby, stop! Oh, my God, just tell me-- is my sister alive or not? Am I still a twin? Am I still a twin? I don't know, let me look at you.
I don't know.
Well, she's being monitored closely or whatever.
But with the mortality rate or whatever, and then when you factor in comorbidities or whatever, wrap that all together or whatever, and then you talk about it, and then you live it in reverse or whatever, like, uh, you know what I mean? Like, eh, whatever.
It's clear now? - Another ass-kicking on the eighth floor, Tekashi69's been talking shit again.
Doctor, I just need to know if Jamisha's gonna ja-make it, because we were supposed to go to Jamaica.
Oh! Okay, okay.
- Oh, oh-- - Okay, okay.
That's just my man.
He sent 143.
Okay, does it say anything on my sister on that pager? Oh Well, it seems your sister has succumbed-- Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
You better not say, "or whatever.
" Nah, nah, I wasn't gonna say that.
- Deadass? - I wasn't gonna say that.
- You better not.
- Nah, nah.
I was gonna say, um, look over there.
Or whatever.
Oh, it was supposed to be ja-me! Oh, God! I know, baby! Wow.
I didn't have time to put the-- the music with the graphic.
But you get it! Yeah, that's my pitch for my new medical drama, - "Trey's Anatomy.
" - Right, okay.
It's a drama with a lot of physical comedy.
- How does that work? - Normally on TV, when you see Black doctors, they're good at being doctors.
These doctors are bad.
They're very uneducated, - and that's fun.
- Yes, yes.
- No, I understand.
- Thank you.
So can you fix my cable? - Oh, yes, ma'am.
- Okay, thank you.
What are you doing for lunch later? - There was no apocalypse.
There was no fortified house.
I must not speak auto-tune, 'cause I know I fortified a house.
- There was no fully-stocked warehouse.
No, wait, 'cause where did I courier that package? - There were no other friends-- - just you four the whole time.
- What about Kevin? - We created those realities to-- If we're creating realities, can I trade them for Daniel Kaluuya? Can y'all stop asking about men? Please! This is serious.
We've been mind-controlled and kidnapped, and y'all said if we ever met Daniel Kaluuya, - I could have him.
- Nobody said that.
You did-- You all said it at the same time in unison.
You probably forgot because we were mind-controlled.
- No-- - Enough.
We've been preparing for the next phase.
You will not be released until you're ready.
Wait, ready? What happens when we're ready? - Well, fuck this.
- Uh-uh! Where you goin'? Out of here.
You heard the voice.
The end of the world was a lie, okay? That means everyone else is still alive.
I have to call my mom.
- We're sorry, your call cannot be completed because we've trapped you in this penthouse until you complete your mission.
Hell no.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- No, bitch.
- What, let me out! - No way! - There's no handle! Uh-oh.
So we trapped-trapped.
Okay, drinking time! Drinking time! Ladies, I got a good feeling about this new equation.
You always got a good feeling, Clotia.
Like that time you thought James Baldwin was hittin on you in the Cotton Club.
He said he liked my hair.
Button it up, ladies! All right? We got work to do.
Ever since the Hidden Figures put a man into space, they expect us to send one through time.
But they had NASA funding.
Our time travel machine project is being sponsored by Tide.
Now, how are we going to walk the space-time continuum with nothing but an abacus and unlimited detergent? Oh! Did we do it? I think we did it! Nope.
Still here freezing in the shadows of Mary, Dorothy, and Catherine.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Verniece.
Be hard on that there Clotia.
Mm-hmm.
It was your bright idea that had us put our time machine in the same place we keep our mops.
Well, if we put it in the bathroom, where would we eat lunch? You know, don't get me wrong.
A win for one of us is a win for all of us.
But we been at this for two years! - Two.
- And every one of our theories is like the concept of "separate but equal"-- - completely hypothetical! - Hypothetical.
Ha! We don't even know - if time travel is possible.
- I mean, who knows? Look, I didn't wanna say it, ladies, but we are the laughing stock of the building.
You know what the janitors call us? - I don't wanna hear.
- They call us "The Didn't Figures.
" Okay, my mother was right.
She said women don't belong in the workplace, and I-- What in the Sam Cooke? - Where did she go? - I don't know! I just wanted her to calm down.
Congratulations, J.
Edgar Hoover.
You made her disappear! I am so sorry! - Are you okay? - Dr.
King! Something bad's gonna happen! We gotta go back! Wha--oh, my goodness.
I slapped her silly.
No, but you did slap me into next week.
With this mark on my face, we're gonna make our mark on history.
We invented time travel! That's genius! Okay, if I slapped you into next week, maybe we can extrapolate that the higher the intensity, the greater the slap-time trajectory.
Great! Let me pop that on my ab-- What, what? I was just testing your hypothesis-- the trajectory and whatnot.
No, that slap sounded like it had a history behind it.
Did you save Dr.
King? No, you slapped me into last week.
- Oh.
- Apparently, a backhand slap inverts the course of time travel.
We don't have time for cake.
I wasn't done! God knows when the hell you sent that.
Okay, guys, let's not fight.
We have to keep trying-- whatever it takes.
We're so close.
- I know it.
- Ha! I got it.
We just need a fresh cheek.
Oh, no.
I can't get slapped today.
I have a family photo tomorrow-- Oh, Clotia, whatever happened to, "We gotta keep trying-- whatever it takes"? Now, who the hell is this? This is Otis, and he all kinds of fine.
And he's all kinds of married.
Well, darn it, Faye.
Not all of us are married.
Some of us have to time travel for love.
Forget that man.
We can't give up.
All right, now what are we supposed to do? - Come on, pick your knees up! Good form out there! So Coach Bradley, you've been able to take the Mississippi Central track team from worst to first-- - Whoo! - In just a matter of weeks.
How'd you do it? Well, you know, it wasn't easy.
You know, Cari Champion, when I got these girls, they had less talent than a pimp pretending to be a professor.
Now, God dang it, Manila! How are you supposed to run in them sneaker pumps? This is track practice, not a Dru Hill concert! Coach, you know I have asthma! - The air's better up here.
- What? Oh, man! Do we have to run today? - It's so hot! - If you wanna keep your partial scholarship, you do! You wanna keep that $27 a month? Huh? Now get down! Here we go! Man, let me tell you something.
They were so bad! We had 'em doing fake injury drills, just trying to slide through the regionals on sympathy.
- Go, go! - Ow, my back! I sprained it.
Ow.
Nice one, Manila! Very believable.
- Fake injury drills? - Yeah, fake injury drills.
- Just out there, like-- - My hammie's gone! Good, good! Stay down there and believe it! Believe you really pulled it! No, I really did pull it, Coach.
- Ow! - God damn it! Ow! Now, come on! You are more useless than a self-trained doula when it counts.
How am I supposed to have you fake an injury when you got a real injury? God dang it! Did you ever think of just old-school running drills, - knees up? - Yeah, of course I did.
- Everybody, stripper thighs! - Coach! I don't see the applications of this! It didn't help, these girls are terrible! Listen, they were out there.
They were slower than a snail on a swamp tree.
They had less form than a pound of Play-Doh and the balance of a drunk beetle.
You have won every single meet within the last two weeks.
- How were you able to do that? - Honestly, it's magic.
Oh, okay.
That's cute.
- White girl magic, I get it.
- No.
Make like A Tribe Called Quest and clean out your ears, Q-tip.
We got a secret weapon.
- This my camera? - That's your camera, Coach.
Blade, the magician.
Picture your card, and I will penetrate your mind.
Well, that sounds nasty, and it's too hot for me to be using my imagination.
Oh, just pick a card, Celia! Queen of hearts.
How'd you do that? No! That's it! Run girls, run! Them girls see magic, and they run like a bat out of hell.
I'm tellin' ya, when they see one trick, don't call 'em Quavo, 'cause they take off.
Abra, kadab--no, no! Now, it has gotten us disqualified from a few meets.
Okay, that has happened.
Wrong way, Manila! They have run the wrong way when they get scared, but for the most part, - it's a solid strategy.
- Fascinating - for our viewers and for me.
- Yeah.
Just for clarity here, but critics will say this is considered cheating, though.
How would you respond? How would I respond to that malarkey? Kiss my ass, whoo! Pucker up on my butt.
All right, so this is it, Coach-- the last heat before Nationals.
So what's the strategy? Talk me through it.
- Blade! - Oh, okay Blade, go get out there, and do so magic! - Plain and simple! - Okay.
Watch this, watch this.
Fear is a beautiful motivator.
Speaking of beauty Whoo! Now all they have to do is trust their religious upbringing, their superstitions, or their general dislike for magic.
Get 'em across that finish line.
Whoo! Lookin' good! - Cari Champion.
- Oh, this is a good one.
- Is this your card? - Aw, hell no! Coach, I don't fuck with magic! Well, she wanted this.
Oh! Run, you idiots! Please don't disappear before you pay my money.
I'mma Venmo you! There has to be a way out.
It won't open.
It won't open.
It won't open.
It won't open.
It won't open.
It won't open.
Oh, wait.
It opened.
I can't do this again.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't--not again! I know yo mama was the last time some of y'all niggas saw a pussy.
You know what I'm talkin' about? Y'all have been great.
You've been a great crowd.
I've been Nora, like Dora, but a nigga.
Okay, good night.
Okay, our next comedian has never been on Comedy Central or "ComicView.
" Why would you write that down-- I've--okay.
Give it up for Kisha.
Ha ha! Hey, how y'all doin'? How y'all doin' tonight? I'm Kisha! Y'all look gooder than a Honda with all its hubcaps! You got a car, ma'am? You rich! Oh, what else? What else? You know, I'm just working on some material.
Let's see what we got.
Oh, man.
Hey, guess what.
I like my men like I like my coffee-- instant! Hurry up, sir! Boo! You're a hack! Oh, really? Oh, I'm a hack? Would a hack do a spot-on impression of Rihanna as a cashier at Kroger's? Hey, give it up for yourselves! Rihanna's funny.
You're not! All right, we'll see.
What else? Give it up-- clap it up for ganja.
How many y'all like to smoke weed? - Weed is great.
- I wish I was high for this.
Hey, speaking of apps, you guys know that app, Venmo? Man, what is up with Venmo? I got a app.
It's called gimme-some-mo'! - Kisha, stop.
- Who said that? - Your father.
- Daddy? You finally came to see one of my shows? - No, it's God, your Heavenly Father.
Oh, snap! What up? Mm, why'd you freeze the audience? - I was killin'.
- We aren't frozen.
We're bored.
- Kisha, you're never gonna make it as a comedian, and that's on me.
No, come on, God.
This audience is trash! There's gold in here.
Hold on.
Ain't nothin' in there.
Oh, okay.
How about this one? My mama is so crazy How crazy is she? Come on, God.
Smite her.
And all of a sudden, your God said, "Give it a light, and put it on me!" Where did you get a microphone? What happened to you, Kisha? I mean, my gynecologist has better delivery than this.
Did you parents tell you that you could be anything? - Of course they did.
- They lied! They should make a true crime podcast based on her set, 'cause I've seen autopsies better than this! Hey, God, ask Mary Mary to take the shackles off her jokes so we can laugh! God said, "I can make the blind see, but I can't make that bitch funny!" - Kisha, it's time.
In ten years, you've never gotten a single laugh.
- I beg to differ.
- That kind of thick skin will make you a great flight attendant.
Spirit Airlines awaits.
God, she can't get on a plane! All she does is bomb! Oh, don't it feel good to laugh? This is what it's supposed to sound like, Kisha! She ate you up! She just a regular lady! I work in the post office.
Won't he do it? Praise God.
By that was me.
I was God.
I'm not saying that I am God.
But I am Kisha's pastor, and I can't stand her ass.
You know, Kisha has told me many times that she wants to find God, and I say, "Well, it's all right, he ain't lookin' for you.
You good.
" I heard that, pastor! Ho, ho, ho, yes! Got to be ready! - Y'all had me thinkin' I sucked.
- You do! Especially you, post office lady.
Y'all just added another four minutes to my tight five.
What else? What else? Oil up your shins and get on the track.
I'ma show you some things.
Why my shins, Coach? - You'll see.
- I'ma switch to fencin'.
- What? - With the epee and the rapier.
Soundin' like you took your teeth out, but put 'em back in backwards.
I told y'all crowd work is my specialty.
Hey, you live on a farm? How are them cornrows? There's a naked antelope somewhere.
Do you know-- and a horse--your hair! You know one time-- one time, I went to go see my doctor, and you know, he said, "Uh-oh, it's a yeast infection!" And I said, "Ha, you think I didn't know that?" You know, I just got back from Africa.
Wakanda jokes y'all lookin' for? What else? Hey, speaking of Oprah, here's my impression of Stedman.
You know what I'm sayin'? Boring.
Hey, man, why are cats and dogs so different? You know what I'm sayin'? One be like, "Woof, woof, woof.
" Other one be like, "Meow.
" Get it together.
Y'all live in the same house! Give it up for me! Yeah.
Y'all clap weird.