Absolutely Fabulous (1992) s03e01 Episode Script

Let's kick ass, sweetie.
This afternoon will be fine.
But check on that.
Bobby, I don't like that and that.
And I don't want that.
I just want those.
- Morning, darling.
- Morning.
Thank you, sweetie.
Do you hear that? Do you hear that noise, that bell? What is it, sweetie? Ah! Stop it, stop it.
Stop Stop it.
Stop it.
This wheel's on fire Rolling down the road Best notify my next of kin This wheel shall explode Saffy, darling.
Saff! Saff! Saff! Tinnitus! Tinntilus! Tinntillitus! Darling, sweetheart, darling It's gone.
It's cleared, it's cleared! If it's going to be any use, you have to remember you've got it.
Don't throw it there.
I've got to waste valuable seconds walking over, bending down and picking it up.
Valuable seconds.
When I should be Yes! I'm trimming down my life, darling.
Working to a schedule.
Moving out.
- Anyway.
- Anyway.
Yeah, anyway, darling Can't get distracted.
Got to keep on the move today.
Have you seen this? It's got all my appointments, meetings, lunches, phone number s! There's something else in there.
Everything I need to know and when I've got to do it! This is the new me.
I'm a mover and a shaker, and I'm moving out.
It's work, work, work for me from now on, darling.
Why? Well, someone gave it to me free, and it's the latest thing.
You'd be better off writing everything down on a piece of paper.
Piece of paper! It's all very well for you.
Get up.
Drink Appletise.
Go to university.
Scribble, scribble.
Oh, very important.
Come home.
Drink Appletise.
Go to bed.
It's all very well for someone who still organises their life from a 1986 Letts Pocket Brownie diary with a matching mini pencil! Life is slightly more complicated for the rest of us, darling - e.
g.
"Wednesday 8 a.
m.
Get up.
Kick ass.
" Well There's one step ahead already.
"Exercise.
" No, don't touch those! It took three hours to choose those last night.
Those are the clothes I must put on today.
Those are the ones that have been chosen.
The decision has been made.
You can tell juanita, or whatever her name is, that everything has to go to the dry-cleaners every other day.
I've practically no clean knickers left at all.
- I've got to get this house in shape.
- What have you done about the kitchen? - What about it? - We still haven't got one! I'll consult my oracle and see what can be done.
- See you downstairs.
- Yeah.
Oh, no, darling! Come back here! You know what I'm going to say.
You know what I'm going to say.
I hate those flowers, those flowers there.
They're too English.
I just want simplicity and japanese efficiency.
The land where they don't have time to let the trees grow tall.
That's what I want.
No theatre, and no time for petals in my life.
I want stems! Yes, Mum.
"Quick shower.
" Oh, and one other thing, darling.
Come back.
Sweetheart - and I put a couple of seconds aside to say this to you today.
Why can't you have floppy hair like any normal teenager? Don't have it bunched up like this.
Let it free, give it a life.
Flop, flop, flop, flop! Even little Eskimo teenagers have floppy hair.
Little Amazonian Pygmy teenagers have floppy hair, darling.
Right.
Quick shower, quick shower.
Wash and go.
Sand paper, exfoliant, cellulite breakdown, tone and perm, Auto Bronze on, and birch twigs.
Should I have soap? No, No soap.
Hi, Gran.
No, no.
Oh, Lord Jesus Christ! Oh, bloody-buggery Almighty! Attune, attune I think your mother wants you, Saffy, dear.
No! I just cannot be THIS person.
I cannot be this person.
Oh, what? What now? What, what, what? Yeah, darling Bubble, it's me.
I'm getting bogged down here.
You'll have to cancel a couple of meetings.
Just ring them up.
No, you do it! Just ring them up, darling.
Ring me back and tell me what they Unless you've already You do it! No, you do it! All right.
Speak to me.
Speak to me.
Where are you? Where are you? Ahhh! Ahhh! Yes! Yes! Now I hear you.
I hear you.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Oh, thank God.
X-generation silver tracksuit, that's me.
Huh? "Breakfast.
" "Black coffee and crispbread.
15 minutes.
" I can't eat crispbread for 15 minutes.
That'll grate my insides.
Croissant.
- Morning, dear.
- Morning.
Surprise, surprise, you're here.
Can you make Mama a cup of coffee? Oh, and how should we do that? Rub two sticks together and draw water from the well? Don't think you're so clever.
I've started Repressed False Memory Therapy.
I'll get something on you yet.
You in a wood in a hood.
It's all coming back to me.
This place will get done.
It just can't happen overnight, darling.
I am doing it.
When? You've got every swatch, every sample, every picture, every magazine.
Every interior designer in London has been marched around this sad basement.
Not Anouska Hemple, darling.
I've had it up to here with black taffeta.
It cannot be that difficult.
- Have you any idea of the choice? - Just point at a picture.
- I've seen a door handle I quite like.
- Mum! - We need surfaces, a cooker, a dishwasher.
- A dishwasher.
A dishwasher! I don't see the point in them.
You've still got to stand up, go over to them, bend over, put things in, take them out, put them wherever they go.
- Washing-up is the easy part.
- How would you know? Well, they wouldn't give Nanette Newman anything too complicated to do.
- I must be going.
I'll see you later maybe.
- Bye, Gran.
Bye, dear.
- Morning, Patsy.
- Mrs M.
- Are you feeling all right, dear? - Well, actually Oh, good.
- Pats, what do you think about the kitchen? - It's fabulous.
- It's not done yet.
- But darling, darling Maybe she's right.
Maybe this is fabulous.
- No.
- Darling.
Darling! An interior designer might have taken months to get it look this good.
Months of work to get this scorching, distressed look.
A hell of a lot of thought might have gone in to this.
Some people specialise in this look.
Just because she did it unconscious with a cigarette doesn't make it wrong.
It is like art.
What the hell is the difference between a painting by someone who chooses to paint like a child and a child's painting? No, it looks fine to me.
It's naive.
Simplicity and utility.
Yeah, I know.
It's just that I don't like it.
- Forget it.
What do you want? - Do you know that picture of the Hoover Dam? - Do you want modern? - Yes, but not what modern was, post-modern, or what it is, just new, but what it will be.
You know, like a stainless steel operating theatre.
No, no When you're at the dentist and there's that chair and "clang-clang-clang", the big light comes down, and there's this pink spit The thing you spit into that bowl, that sort of look is what I want.
The bowl.
- A sort of ultra-modern spitoon.
- Yes! I thought you liked some of the ones in the Conran book.
That's depressing in itself, darling.
No matter what you're doing, whatever you want, there's always a Terence-bloody-buggery-Conran book on it! Piece of muslin and a terracotta tile and suddenly it's Tuscany.
It takes more than a carefully placed bottle of olive oil and balsamic vinegar to make a kitchen.
Eddie, you know those things that hang down from the ceiling.
You don't want those! You don't want to be living in constant danger of being decapitated by a fish broiler.
No.
Anyway, I could have thought of all that.
I wonder if Lacroix does kitchens yet? Eddie, I want to - That'll be Bubble.
- Oh, damn.
- Why is she coming here? - I have a meeting with some advertisers today.
There's no point in going into the office just to come out again.
- Lunch today, Eddie? - Yeah, we can have lunch.
I may be on a tight schedule, but I still have time for my friends.
Sorry I'm a bit late.
I got attached to this guy at South Kensington.
His toggle got caught in me bellybutton ring and I had to go five stops past.
- Oh, let's see.
Is it bleeding? - That's disgusting! Butchery! - You were saying I should get that done.
- Just to see.
- What? - Well, how much it hurts.
It can't hurt much more than tattooing, and you've had that done.
- I just have a little one on my shoulder.
- Woooooo! - Shh! - She said you had one on your unspeakables.
- Eddie! - Unmentionables, I said.
That could be anywhere on her.
- I'm going upstairs.
I've got work to do.
- Before you go, can you help me? I've got the PR-PR-Persons'- Awards-Dinner-of-the-Month lunch tomorrow.
- Can you help me write a speech? - No.
I don't know why I can't do it.
There's a speech in here.
I must have a block.
Book me a high colonic, darling.
I'll get it out by hook or by crook.
And then go through my Dictaphone and extract anything important, all right? I'm going for a slash.
Shall I put it on my pad? - Your pad? Where's the computer? - Computer? - Yeah, I told you to buy a laptop.
- A lap top.
Top? Get rid of it.
But I've grown so fond, and it's so cute.
And it's not just for life, it's for Christmas.
Just do the Dictaphone, darling.
The Dictaphone.
It's very important.
All right.
I've got rhythm I've got music - Who is it? - It's me, Patsy.
But it's not what you think.
What do you mean? - Can I come in? - Don't try anything.
Don't close the door! Look, this is quite serious.
I want you to look at something.
I'd ask Eddie, but she's very busy.
I thought you might understand it, doing science and all.
It's confidential.
- What is it? - I just want you to tell me what it means and how bad it is.
Oh, well, it's from your Health Authority.
- What does it mean? - They need you to go for a smear test and a breast check.
They have no record of you ever having either and that's quite dangerous in a woman of your sort of age.
- What do they think I've got? - They test for cancer.
- Where? Look, I don't want to be asking you this! Your cervix.
The entrance to your womb.
Look.
Oh, right, right.
- Yeah, right.
- OK.
Yeah, right, right.
Yeah.
Where's the other leg? It's a cross-section! I mean, it's nothing to worry about.
I'll fill in this form for you and all you have to do is post it.
And the breast thing? Do you ever check your breasts yourself? No, but you can't miss them.
Never had any complaints.
Are you all right in there? You just have to go.
I'm calling you on your way back to the office.
Take your mobile.
Off you go.
- Hello, Bubble speaking.
- Yes, I know.
Go, go! I want you to cancel that meeting.
Nobody likes me and they won't like what I have to say.
But I'll say it anyway.
They can do what they want, and it'll be great.
Just go! Go on! - What if they want to speak to you? - Now we're getting feedback.
- Tell them I haven't got time.
- Have you got the number? Do you feel anything? What's that? For heaven's sake! Look, I Well, what? Well, I don't think there's any rain on the way.
Hang on.
What's that? No, no, I know what that is.
That's all right.
I think you're OK, but you should see a doctor anyway.
Right.
And the other thing, the smear, is that a doctor thing or? Doctor! If you ever mention this to anyone, I'll kill you! Don't worry, I don't want people knowing either.
Right.
Cheers, thanks a lot.
What? What now? Oh, yes.
Achtung, achtung, achtung! Jawohl! It's all right, darling.
I'm going to do this in a totally calm and non-aggressive way.
Give me back my life! - I wondered how long that would last.
- Yeah, well You can't live your life under such pressure.
I had to cancel all my appointments already.
- Well done, Eddie.
- Yeah! Anyway, I've seen this new one.
It's a crystal-driven, biorhythm-attuned organiser.
It tells you when YOU are ready for a meeting, and not the other way around.
Only when your goddess power is at its most fertile should you attempt one.
Oh, and there's the Shirley MacLaine organiser.
It fixes up meetings in different existences and lives.
In which life are you going to get round to doing something about the kitchen?! Instead of wasting a whole day, do one thing, here and now, on this plane.
Just one thing! If you don't do this place, I will.
Lighten up, sweetie.
Lighten up! Oh, God Heal.
Heal.
You don't get things done just by being uptight, darling.
Anyway, I'm going to do one thing today.
I shall go and find the door handle.
- You don't mind if we do that? - No, there's still time for lunch and shopping.
Oh, yeah.
My mouth and my credit card are still very much in this life.
Come on.
"Meg Ryan - movie star.
" I'll be the judge of that.
- She's all gums.
- Who? - Meg Ryan.
- You aren't still going on about her? Sh, darling.
I've got to think.
I've got to plan my day and what I've got to do.
One: I've got to get the door handle.
Well, what? I have to do these things.
I have to get the door handle.
You haven't got this responsibility.
You haven't got the burden of property.
- Where are you living at the moment, anyway? - I've still got that little place.
Above Oddbins.
Well, you only rent that place.
Two Two? - Have lunch, Eddie.
- Have lunch.
I have to make a list.
Don't let me forget the speech for the PR-PR-Persons'-Awards lunch.
- Eddie, Eddie, Eddie? - What? Have you had the tit test? - What do you mean "tit test"? - You know the hand tit test? I don't do the hand tit test thing, I go to the clinic once a month and have a mammoliagram.
Stop! There's a shop back there I want to look at, just in case.
Turn round and pull over.
And when you pull over, will you switch the engine off? You can't drive round like that wasting petrol.
I know you've got a catatonic converter, but they're no good.
This is so clean! Clean, clean, clean, clean, clean.
Darling, Patsy, I don't want clean.
I can't remember where I've seen that door handle.
Why don't you get someone to do it? Just do it! Because I'm not like you, Pats.
I can't just live in anything.
I'm very sensitive to my surroundings.
That's why I have to get my feng chewy man in to do it.
It's great.
He's a Chinese master in where to put furniture to energise your life into a higher state of living and success.
- Is he in China? - No, darling.
In a bedsit up in Camden Town, on the railway.
Where should we have lunch, Eddie? Atlantic? I remember where I've seen the door handle.
- Hey-ho.
- La-di-da.
I just want to get the door handle.
We've got a few things then to do.
- Like what? - Lunch.
We'll go to Sardi's for lunch.
Then we'll do Ralph Lauren, Donna Karan - Let's cross here.
Calvin Klein - Karl Lagerfeld.
- We can do Lagerfeld, darling.
You've got to make me sip something every 15 seconds, or I'll die.
- You know which way, Eddie? - This way.
Madonna has got offices down here.
I nearly had sex with her.
Didn't we all? - Did you ever see that book, darling? - Kids' stuff.
Should we get a cab? If we've got time, we could get some little gorgeous things.
Oh, that's nice.
It's a bit better now.
How much further is it? Just here.
- No, no.
Do you think I should? - Yeah.
It's the thing to do.
If you don't do it, you won't have done it.
- But it might hurt.
- No, it won't hurt.
If it hurts, so many people wouldn't have had it done, would they? - Now, come on in.
- No, I don't want to do it! Oh, sorry, dear, I didn't know you were in.
That's OK, Gran, come in.
I'm not doing anything.
Er no, I don't think so, dear.
- Four Seasons.
- Well, that's it.
The door handles are up here, darling.
This is how I want my kitchen.
Like that.
And those flowers.
- Door handle! - Take it, then.
It's fabulous.
Gorgeous, isn't it? It's exactly right.
Got it.
- Ed? - Huh? - Do you want me to get it for you? - How would we get it out? Well, I could, er No, not here! Come on.
- Good day.
- Yeah.
Now, off to the heliport via customer collection.
- Ouch, ouch.
- Don't fiddle with it.
It'll go septic.
- Why did you make me do that, darling? - I just wanted to see how much it would hurt.
But I did quite well.
I wasn't unconscious for long.
You came round quickly.
I was proud of you.
- Here, darling.
For the pain.
- Thank you, sweetheart.
New York is the only place in America I think I could live.
You wouldn't have to live there.
Get there and back like this in a day.
- I mean, God, who'd live in LA? - Marshalls.
- Hope the next earthquake wipes them out.
- Serve them right.
Who in their right mind would go jogging on a fault line? They deserve to die.
Pert tits and tight butt so you can plunge down a crack in the earth with confidence.
I've got that photo so I can show Saffy the door handle.
Go through my list.
- "Door handle" - done.
- Congratulate yourself, Eddie.
- "Lunch.
" Done.
- Well done, sweetie.
Thank you, darling.
- "Speech.
" I haven't written my speech.
- Congratulate yourself anyway, Eddie.
- Darling, I've forgotten my speech.
- Start with "Dear ladles or jelly spoons".
No, they wouldn't think that was funny.
I'll get Bubble to phone up - and tell them I got lockjaw or something.
- Oh, Eddie.
- An important letter I was supposed to post.
- Huh? It's a bit late now.
- What are you doing up so late? - You know.
- Oh, have you had people here or something? - Just a few friends and stuff.
That's great, great Eddie, show her the Sweetie, come and look at Mama.
Turn round.
Look what I've done today.
Look at this.
Look at my stomach.
When the swelling goes down, you'll be able to see it better.
- What do you think? - Looks great.
Anyway, I'm off to bed.
Good night.
Darling, we'll keep the noise down.
We'll just have this one bottle.
- It's OK, I don't care.
- Sweetie, sweetie You and I have quite a quite a cool relationship, don't we, darling? It was my birthday today, Mum.
No, you come back here.
Come back here! Do you think you can just say something like that Hit and run.
Come here, darling! Now, listen I gave you that birthday, darling.
Have you thought about that, huh? You wouldn't have that birthday if I hadn't been generous enough to uncross my legs and give you to the world! Nobody's thanked me, have they? That's gratitude for you.
- Now, what have we got? - What have we got? - Pats, look at the kitchen.
- Oh, it's fabulous.
- No, look what has been done.
- What? How? - How? I mean, yes, how? How? - How? - I can't get anything done in a day.
- What?