ALF s03e01 Episode Script

Kate, this lasagna looks really great.
Very well worth the interminable wait.
I asked you twice to stop doing that.
What? We're just having a pre-Dinner chat.
You know what i mean-- Rhyming everything i say.
No problem, willie.
Have it your way.
Kate.
Kate, he's doing it again.
What? He's rhyming the last word of everything i say.
Go ahead, alf.
He's been doing it all day.
Now he's got me doing it.
What a creep! I never want to see him again.
I guess lynn and her boyfriend had a fight.
We should go see if she's all right.
Oh, sure.
When kate makes a rhyme, It's no big deal.
Just for that, i'm eating your meal.
lions gate home entertainment Ok, dad, your turn.
Ok.
Science or sports? He'll take science.
Do you mind? I can pick my own category.
Who won the super bowl last year? I'll take science.
"What is the primary element of the planet jupiter?" Oh, that's easy.
Hydrogen.
[Imitates buzzer.]
you're wrong.
It's buttermilk.
Willie's right.
It's hydrogen.
Then why do they call it the dairy planet? Who calls it the dairy planet? Juper-Tonians.
It's on their license plates.
Mom, it's your turn.
Ok.
Entertainment.
Ok.
"What singing phenomenon--" [Imitates buzzer.]
florence henderson.
Alf, it's not your turn.
The answer's not florence henderson, It's shirley jones.
Oh, like there's really a difference.
Mail's here.
Not that it matters.
Oh, come and join us, honey.
Take alf's place.
I don't really feel like it.
I'll be in my room.
Not that it matters.
Gee, what a downer.
It's only been a week Since she broke up with l-Loyd.
I never understood why he pronounced both the ls.
Because he was a l-Lox.
You know, it takes a little time To get over a breakup.
I'm gonna go check on her.
We'll see you l-Later.
Alf, there's a book here for you.
Shelley winter's guide to true love.
We're sending it back.
It's not for me, it's to help lynn.
Oh, this'll be a great help.
"Chapter one, love is like a pizza.
" Brilliant.
"Love is like a pizza.
"Sometimes it's cold and flat, "Sometimes it's hot and gooey.
"The secret is to take it a slice at a time, And hold the anchovies.
" Alf, i don't want to talk about love.
Or pizza.
Well, according to shelley, You're wallowing in the muck of self-Pity.
She says you'll feel better if you confide in a close friend.
So, come on, confide.
All right.
L-Loyd wants to go out with other girls.
Ugh.
There's that name again.
Do you want me to confide or not? Sorry.
L-Loyd.
We were so perfect for each other.
We were gonna get married at the planetarium.
He was even gonna name a comet after me.
What was he gonna name it, l-Lynn? Aren't there any other fellows you'd like to date? Well, there is this one guy.
But that doesn't mean he'd want to go out with me.
Well, who is it? His name is danny duckworth.
He's on the baseball team.
Let's see.
Uhhere's his picture.
The dork holding the water bucket? No, no, that's his cousin donny.
See, danny's the one swinging the 3 bats.
So call him up.
I can't do that.
He'd know i like him.
You don't want the boy you like To know you like him.
Right.
Makes sense.
You don't understand.
Oh, i understand.
Nobody on this planet ever says what they mean.
We say what we mean, As long as the other person says it first.
Shelley, shelley, it's up to you, babe.
Come on, don't let me down.
Ahh! "Chapter 2, take action.
Ask a friend to fix you up.
" Well, there you have it.
Yo, operator, Do you have a listing for a duckworth? Why would he even try making banana coffee? I don't think you even want to know.
Hey, willie.
When's the last time you changed the blades In this razor? Oh, my razor is-- Uhh! Why were you shaving? According to shelley, Women like clean-Shaven men.
Don't ever touch Anything that touches my face.
Lynn: alf! How could you do this to me? I couldn't find my own roll-On.
Lynn, what's wrong? I have got a date to go bowling With donny duckworth, The geekiest guy in school, Thanks to my brother alf.
Your brother? That's what he told donny When he called him on the phone.
You wanted me to.
I did not want you to! Well, you said you liked the guy.
I said i liked danny duckworth.
You called donny, his cousin.
Danny, donny.
Florence, shirley.
I'm getting a headache.
Think i'll go lie down.
Hold it right there, bro.
I think you have one more phone call to make To get this thing straightened out.
It's too late, mom.
Donny has already bought us matching bowling shirts.
That was my idea.
I hope you like paisley.
Now, the secret to bowling, Or talequoits as it's known in the civilized universe, Is in the wrist action.
And in the ripeness of the melon.
[Sighs.]
We don't bowl with cantaloupes.
Then what do you bowl with? Heavy plastic balls.
You're kidding.
[Doorbell rings.]
Well, at least it's something edible.
Hi, you must be donny duckworth.
Come on in.
Thanks.
But i'm danny duckworth.
I'm donny duckworth's cousin.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
Where's donny duckworth, danny? Well, he got so nervous about this date That he started puking his guts out.
Uh, that's not good.
Yeah, he had a date with a cheerleader once, Nearly coughed up his spleen.
That's not good either.
Uh, lynn.
Hi, i'm mrs.
Tanner.
You must be donny duckworth.
No, no.
I'm danny duckworth.
See, donny couldn't come-- It involves organ displacement, dear.
I'll fill you in later.
You know, i hope it's ok with lynn that i came instead.
Oh, i'm sure she won't mind.
Good.
Danny duckworth.
Hiya, lynn.
Donny's sick, so i just came instead.
I hope that's ok.
Are you kidding?! I mean, i guess so.
He gave us these bowling shirts, But i don't really like bowling, So i thought maybe we'd go to a drive-In.
Is that ok, too? That's fantastic! I mean, that's fine.
The snag is i don't have a car.
What happened to your van? Oh, that's where donny vomited.
That's not good.
Thanks.
[Car radio playing dance music.]
Lynn: thanks for the car.
[Music turns off.]
Well, this is it.
Uh, can i drive? I think i'd better drive.
Oh, ok.
But when we get there, can we just change places In case we see anybody we know? Sure.
Thanks.
Oh, great.
We're going bowling, And i don't even have a cantaloupe.
Do you want some popcorn or? Oh, not right now.
Thanks.
Nachos? How about some nachos? No thanks.
[Chattering.]
[Gunfire.]
Aah! What, it's just a flesh wound? I thought that you wanted to be a doctor.
I do, but right now i want some popcorn.
Would you mind? I just--I suddenly got This uncontrollable urge for popcorn.
No.
Sure.
Sure.
Do you want the $8.
00 size or the 12? You decide.
Ok.
Hi.
What are you doing in this car? Hey, i'm trapped here, So let's just make the best of it, ok? You are gonna ruin everything.
What's to ruin? We're sitting in a parking lot, listening to a movie.
This is a drive-In.
It's just like a regular movie, Except you stay in your car.
Well, at least i can order food.
Yo, jack! I'll have a burger and some fries.
That speaker is for the movie.
Oh.
Hey, can you roll animal house For the blue station wagon? Get down! Danny's gonna be back any minute.
Well, then you might want to take a look at chapter 9, Laying the trap.
I don't need your help.
Or shelley's.
Do i have to remind you what you'd be doing tonight If it weren't for our help? What? Do the words "go fish, brian" ring a bell? Why is lucky's water dish in the microwave? [Sighs.]
Alf! I already looked for alf.
I can't find him anywhere.
Well, did you check under our bed? Yeah.
In the garage? Yep.
In the car? What car? Our car.
Our car's gone.
Willie, lynn took our car to the drive-In.
Oh, sure.
She'll take alf to the drive-In, But not me.
[Doorbell rings.]
Kate, you answer the door.
I'll go to the drive-In and get alf.
I can't go to the drive-In, Lynn's got the car.
You know, perhaps this isn't the best time to raise this issue, But i still think we need a second car.
Hi, kate.
Oh, trevor.
Trevor, could we borrow your car.
Whatever happened to, "hi, neighbor, "How are you, how was the hunting trip, Here's your mail"? Oh, i'm sorry.
Hi, neighbor.
How are you? How was your hunting trip? Here's your-- Well, we left last saturday.
And the first thing that happened was We pulled out of the driveway and got a flat tire.
Took raquel a half hour to fix it.
Then everything was fine Until we get up around big pine.
We got onto highway 190 And about 15 miles down the road We ran smack into a detour.
Right down a gravel road.
Your mail.
Oh, thanks.
Now can we borrow your car? Don't you want to hear about the gravel road? Not really.
So, uh, you and l-Larry broke up, huh? You mean l-Loyd? Oh, y-Yeah.
That's right.
[Tires squeal.]
[Siren wails.]
Oh! Did i do that? I don't think that you could have.
I must of.
I'm always dropping things.
Well, it's ok.
I'll just clean it all up.
No! I mean leave it.
My father likes to clean out the car.
He got a dust buster for father's day.
Ok.
[Coughing.]
[Coughing.]
Are you all right? I'll let you know in a minute.
[Alf stops coughing.]
I'm ok.
[Hocking.]
[Coughing.]
Actually, i could use a soft drink.
Well, what kind? [Coughs.]
root beer's fine.
Do you want the 7.
50 size or the $10? You decide.
[Coughs.]
You know i hate root beer.
Why are you ruining this date for me? This isn't a date.
This is an oil painting.
I don't even know why you bothered to go.
Just forget it.
I wish this whole thing never happened.
Well then, let's ditch this danny dude And hit the road.
No.
Why? Well, because it would be rude.
And And because he'd have to walk home.
And because Because you like him.
Well, yeah.
I like him Ever since tenth grade, But i'm not gonna tell him.
Why not? Because i made that mistake with l-Loyd And look what happened.
So what? You think that's the only time you're gonna get dumped? Shelley says there's a broken light For every heart on broadway.
I am so tired of shelly telling me what to do.
Lynn, this doesn't just come from shelley.
It comes from the old alfer.
Hey, you think i haven't had a few experiences With the opposite sexes? Have you ever had your heart broken? Many times.
I was engaged to one woman for 58 years.
What was her name? Ruby.
So, what happened to her? She took her love to town Even though i said don't.
I'm sorry.
The very next day I met rhonda at a pet bake.
And i thought, she's beautiful.
Boy, i want her.
But i was afraid i might get hurt again.
So, what'd you do? Well, i waited 17 years, Then i asked her out.
The day after that, my planet exploded.
I understand, alf.
Thanks.
Oh, get down.
Danny's coming.
Yeah, yeah.
I couldn't decide, so i got you both.
Thanks.
Danny There's something i want to tell you.
What, you didn't want ice? No, no.
Um Ever since tenth grade-- Oh, yeah.
Old lady cassidy's class.
Boy, i had such a crush on you.
You had a crush on me? Yeah.
Well, how come you never told me? I didn't want you to know that i liked you.
You know, that's the trouble with earthlings.
I mean, people.
They never say what they mean.
If this planet were to explode tomorrow, Just think of all the time we would have wasted.
Huh? Never mind.
I'm just happy you like me.
[Tapping.]
willie: excuse me.
Lynn, it's your dad.
Dad.
Hi.
Hi, lynn.
Hi, danny.
Hi there, mr.
Tanner.
What a nice surprise.
Uh, lynn, this is gonna sound strange, But, uh Your mother couldn't go to sleep tonight Because she didn't have that old orange blanket.
You know that old, furry blanket That's always getting lost.
Yeah.
You know, i think it's right back there.
It It sure is.
I'm just going to grab it.
And then i'm gonna be on my way.
You guys just-- Why don't you guys just go back and watch the movie? Danny, what's happening now? Bronson just snuffed another guy Because they gave him his steak well-Done.
Ok, i got it.
Yes, i do.
Uhh.
I sure have got it.
Now i'll be on my way.
Night, dad.
Alf: willie, can we stop at the concession stand? No, we can't.
The prices are very reasonable.
[Scary music on tv.]
No, no! Don't open that door! Oh, no! She opened the door! Yike-Er-Oni.
What are you guys doing out here? This is our drive-In theater.
Yeah, and you two snuck in.
I'm calling the manager.
Do you mind if we join you? Ok, but don't hog the popcorn.
And don't fog up the windows back there! Aah! Ha ha ha!