Ally Mcbeal s03e01 Episode Script
Car Wash
Ally ! John ? I I thought you and Nelle were going to the game.
Well, I just umm, umm, little work to do Why Why are you so wet ? It's the new look.
What's wrong ? nothing.
Ally ? I just met this guy.
Somebody I'd never laid eyes on before, I met him at the car wash, one of those drive-through things, and I think he works there.
.
.
you know, the, the The guy ? Yeah, yeah, I think he dries the cars off or something.
And anyway, we made eye contact and It wasn't even flirty ! I don't even think I smiled at him, but we certainly laid eyes on each other, and it was a look.
.
Like maybe we'd known each other in a prior life or something, or maybe we were waiting to meet each other in this life Has that ever happened to you ? Maybe once I And then my car goes into the car wash and I and it's dark in there, and the car gets hit with soap and and there was this haunting feeling I I can't really explain it, I just couldn't stop thinking about him.
And then all of a sudden the door opens and water comes gushing in and everywhere, and I can't really see anything, and the door closes.
And I look up, he's in the car with me.
I'm not even afraid ! And we're soaking wet, and we start reading each other's minds or I should say fantasies, and we don't say a word and we just start kissing.
Without a word ! And then he opens up the door again, and he pulls me out passenger side and I think we were in the at the rinse section, it was dark, and we start taking off each other's clothes ! And we make love right there inside of the car wash ! What ? For all I know he could be some criminal ! And now Pff I know I should feel shame or guilt, but all I feel I just wanna drive back there and And I know that I used the term "make love".
But it wasn't that, John.
No, it was that other word.
Which word ? That vulgar verb we use to describe what two people That's what we were doing, and that's what I wanna do to him again.
That vulgar verb Ally, hi ! Listen, I'm having a small dinner party next week.
I wasn't planning to invite you but if your feelings are gonna be hurt, I suppose I could make room.
Thank you Ling for being so concerned about my feelings.
Ally.
Problem.
Need you.
Now.
What ? Major client.
His daughter.
Some crisis.
Mystery ! Richard, can we talk in whole sentences ? It just helps me to follow.
Rise, this is Ally McBeal, whatever it is, you can tell her, she'll help you out.
Richard !? -Hi -Hello.
I understand that there's a problem.
Yes.
For me to help, you'll need to tell me what it is.
I'm getting married on Saturday, and it's a big wedding, and suddenly my minister says that he won't perform the ceremony, and we can't use the church.
And there are 300 people that are coming, and this is the church that I grew up in, and my father I need your help.
Did your minister say why he wouldn't perform the ceremony ? He didn't really have to tell me why Yesterday he came over to say hello, it was a Sunday, he's a family friend, I was at my parents' house.
My parents weren't home, only me and somebody else.
Reverend Breyer let himself in and he saw me with the somebody else.
You and ? He walked in on me having sex with somebody other than my fiance.
It was a one-night bachelorette kind of thing, that's all ! I'm about to settle down for the rest of my life, I just I'm not a promiscuous person at all, I promise you ! And that's why your minister won't give you the church ? And if it gets out why he's doing this, my fiance, he might call off the wedding altogether and I don't think that there's anything you can legally do to Oh there must be, please ! Well, let me talk it over with my partners, can I do that ? If you could keep it inside these walls I have to save my wedding ! If I go into court, her secret's out.
You could seal the room, do it ex parte.
No, no judge is gonna order a minister to perform a wedding ceremony, if they did that -Elaine would be married ! -I heard that ! Maybe you can make it a contract case ? But then we'll get the church but not the minister, and evidently he's some life-long family friend.
What kind of woman has an affair the week before her wedding ? As opposed to most women who wait till after John, what are your thoughts ? I'm troubled, there seems to be a rash of oversexed women lately John !!! Is Ally having sex ? No, I am not ! Well, if we're gonna go to court, let's go ! God ! You scared me ! You really think you can make it on your own, Renee ? Do you know how hard it is to launch a law practice ? Look if you came here to tell me that I can't I'm not here to tell you that you can't.
Then why are you here ? I came to ask if you would like a partner.
What ? I wanna practice again.
Well Whipper ! A superior court judge, you could have your pick of any law firm in Boston ! I know that.
I picked this one.
I'd be off-counsel, limited hours, I don't wanna be here every day but I'd like to be here.
Nelle ! Tsk tsk ! John ? What is this tsk tsk ? That's something you'd say to a horse instead of "Giddy up !".
And the hip wiggle It bugs me I was saying Hello ! With this ? Tsk tsk ? John we're a couple ! You don't say Hi like a sophomore at Junior Prom ! No, I don't even have to go anymore.
I can't order a minister to perform a ceremony.
Your Honor, money was paid to reserve the church ! She can get a refund.
Can you imagine the emotional distress, the wedding is in two days ! I don't think your client should be in here arguing emotional distress ! What she did was immoral ! Your Honor, may I be heard ? I was hoping it wouldn't come to that.
Yeah, it's unreasonable for this minister or any member of the clergy to demand morality from a parishioner, the Church makes its money of the threat of Hell, if people weren't out there committing sins, they wouldn't be running to Church seeking forgiveness and throwing money in the buckets.
I should also like to point out nobody frowns at a man when he slips at a bachelor party, the ministers are usually right there slipping with him.
But I object to is the double standard, why is it OK for men to gather that last little rose bud and not for women ? This is the highest form of gender discrimination and I won't stand for it ! Women love sex ! They love to think it, dream it, and talk about it, as long as they retain the right to sue you after.
Mister Fish, I am not going to order a minister to perform a wedding ceremony.
You're a gender bigot, Judge.
I'd like you to walk a mile in her diaphragm.
Richard ?! I was in the zone.
Wasn't I in the zone ? So now what ? I'm gonna have to tell my father And Joel, he's gonna leave me.
I am not a promiscuous person, I swear to you I'm not, I've never done anything like this before.
Look, our only appeal is to your minister.
He won't budge.
Well, let me think on it some, we'll go see him this afternoon.
I was in the zone ! Good for you ! Ally ! Can I talk to you a second ? Since you were so candid with me the other day Yeah, which you almost spilled to everybody this morning I'm sorry ! I told you that in confidence ! It's just a coincidence.
You representing a woman being so inconsiderably promiscuous after you yourself Never mind ! What's your problem, John ? Last week, when I went to Detroit - Roberts' deposition -, I called Nelle from the hotel room, and she wanted to have phone sex.
Phone sex ? And I couldn't.
I'm not even sure I know what that is, but since then, Nelle and Iwe've just I can't achieve much of a rhythm ! Well, have you talked to her about this ? No, no, Richard says communications is the death of any relationship Of course.
There is another problem, a bigger one.
I have been unable to access Him.
-Who ? -Him ! -God? No, not God ! Barry White ! I look in the mirror, I move Nothing ! No tub tud I can't become one with him any longer, this makes me a lesser lover.
How can I help ? Well, to be honest, your encounter in the car wash has me a little fraught.
See I've always thought that the key to being a good lover, from a woman's standpoint, was the emotional connection ! Well, that is important.
But to hear you describe Saturday's experience, I I mean, am I correct in assuming that a woman, even if she's not in love with the man, that the sex can still be good ? Ally ? Umm, it can be OK.
But.
.
And you're computer literate ? Completely, IBM and Mac.
OK.
Now we've talked about hours, and salary.
Would you mind taking off your shirt ? I beg your pardon ? I just want to see your chest.
And your stomach.
Is that legal ? Oh, it's illegal to require it, of course we wouldn't do that.
No, basically Daniel, the business of law is all about getting clients.
Now we plan to use our sensuality to do that.
Renee and I will provide a little eye candy for the men -And it would be rude not to have something here for the women -Absolutely.
Of course I can't do the ceremony.
Do you know the vows we recite and undertake ? I understand, but -Did she tell you what I saw ? -Reverend ! How could I participate in such a blatant lie ? I plan to live up to my vows ! Don't insult my intelligence, Risa.
Reverend, if I may, certainly many married couples commit infidelity, and you counsel them.
Why shouldn't Risa be afforded the same compassion ? What I saw Umm umm, it wasn't the Risa Helms I know.
I'm ashamed, of course I am.
Joel is a wonderful man.
He's smart, he's handsome, I see him as the father of my children, but But he's a terrible lover, he doesn't really know how to touch a woman.
That's your excuse ? There's no excuse, but because I plan to be faithful to him, because after the ceremony, he will be the only man I ever make love to again, I wanted one time with someone who could do things to me, make me feel things As I said this is not an excuse, but it's the truth.
And the other truth is, his sexual bungling aside, there is no man on Earth that I would or could love more than Joel.
I planed to take those vows very seriously on Saturday.
And I promise you, I'm not here only trying to spare embarrassments, I'm here asking my minister, the minister that I grew up with, to unite me with the man that I love, under God.
And you said yourself, what you saw in that living room, well, it wasn't the Risa Helms that you know.
And what you just heard, that is.
OK.
Oh ! Thank you ! God ! Thank you ! Have a wonderful wedding RH, and an even better marriage.
Ally, I know we've only known each other for a day, but after this I've got to ask you something, and you can not, can not say no ! Why are we here ? Money.
We're sucking up for our biggest client.
Plus, a wedding is a beautiful thing when it's not yours ! Here she comes ! Hi ! These dresses are hideous ! Sorry Sorry A tickle In my throat In the name of God, we are gathered here on this glorious day to celebrate, and join Risa and Joel in matrimony.
And it is God's presence that lends special joy to today's occasion.
-I, Joel.
-I, Joel.
-Vow to be your faithful husband -Vow to be your faithful husband -Offering you my pure and unwavering true love -Offering you my pure and unwavering true love -As we stand here now.
-As we stand here now.
-And in the presence of God.
-And in the presence of God.
-I commit myself to you.
-I commit myself to you.
-And may this day be just the beginning.
-And may this day be just the beginning.
-Of unending joy.
-Of unending joy.
-Fidelity and Devotion.
-Fidelity and Devotion.
-Through the power of our love.
-Through the power of our love.
Excellent ! The sun smiles on us today, and how can it not ? As these two people pledge to cherish one another forever after.
Umm, before we go further, if there's anybody here who has reason why Joel and Risa should not be joined in holy matrimony, let him speak now, or forever after hold his peace.
No ! Oh My God ! II have a reason.
What's in God's name Ally ? I'm sorry Risa ! What is your reason my child ? Is it ? Oh no, no, it's something else.
Let's just do this, this is ridiculous ! What is it Ally ? It's traditional to share the reason with the congregation.
Well, we won't be honoring that tradition Umm umm Whisper it to me A week ago, I had sex with the groom.
-Oh ! -No! You what ? I didn't know at the time that well that he This is the best wedding I've ever been to ! Ladies and Gentlemen, we're going to take a very short break.
Please remain in your seats.
Quiet ! Quiet ! Be quiet ! This is a lot of money Shut up, for God's sakes ! All right.
Ally ? Umm, I'm sorry.
It happened at a car wash, and I didn't know who he was, and I'd never seen him before.
You'd never seen him before ? And you just made love ? Look, it's it's hard to explain.
Joel ? Can I talk to you for a second please ? It's true ? I need to talk to you in private, come on.
I'm so sorry.
It started with that damn study.
What study ? That study, the one that says that women are attracted to different kinds of men when they're ovulating.
What ? It's true, they're drawn to nice stable home providers three weeks of the month, then when they start to ovulate during mating season it's the virile masculine that We all know what category I fit into, Nelle, and I don't like being dismissed every time a woman's eggs warm up, and you add to that the debacle over the phone sex, this Risa girl who had to live up her sexual fantasy before going down the aisle, Ally at the car wash What is going on ? I know women have sexual fantasies, it's the idea that they would act out on them Oh, like a man could but not a woman That's different ! Why ? Because with a man it is physical, with women, it is partly emotional.
You're saying a woman can't have a purely physical sexual fantasy ?!? Goes against nature ! Elaine ? I was just leaving I don't even know how to respond to that one, John.
I If you're threatened by women having fantasies It's not that I don't love you, or that I don't want to be with you, or that I don't enjoy making love to you I don't want you thinking of any other man.
You want to regulate my thoughts ? No, I want you to regulate them.
John, I Go away ! Just go away ! What did you have to say anything ? I mean, Ally, if you want to go around fornicating in car washes, fine ! But this is the daughter of our biggest client, why ruin her wedding ? Because I had to, OK ? Why ? Why is it OK for Risa to have one last fling alliance but not for Joel, because frankly Richard, if you give me that double standard speech one more time, I swear I'm just confused Kumquat ? Could you help me out ? She perhaps felt upstaged by the bride, and this is a way to make it about her.
Hey, hey, hey, hey ! Do you think it was easy for me to do what I did in front of a whole church full of people ? Do you think there's one person sitting out there right now who doesn't think I'm some cheap slut ? No.
Then why did you do it ? Why not just let them get married and let it be their problem, why did you have to make it mine ? Because he's marrying her for her money, Richard ! How do you know that ? I just do.
Did he tell you this ? We didn't talk, we just had sex ! Then how could you possibly know ? Richard, I know it's none of my business, I know the conventional wisdom tells me to just stay out of this, and I know there are 100 reasons for me to keep my mouth shut ! I couldn't ! You were willing to let that wedding go forward knowing she was unfaithful, why is it different with him ? -Because it is.
-Why ? Because I was there ! Are you sticking out for Risa, or are you punishing him ? That I don't know.
I always wondered what it would be like in a car, as it was being washed Ling, I really don't want to talk about it ! Oh, I'm not criticizing you, I think there's something brave about a woman who identifies a fantasy and just pursues it.
Thank you.
In ancient China, your head would be cut off.
The families are meeting, trying to figure out what to do.
We were fired.
Oh, sorry Richard ! It's OK, Ally, I know you did in your twisted mind what you thought you had to do.
I appreciate your support.
OK, we're back on.
We are ? Yes, Risa and Joel talked things out, and I guess she agrees, he was no more guilty than she was, so The wedding is on ? Yes ! And as disinclined as I was before to perform the ceremony, you can imagine my excitement now ! But I got a room full of people out there, and a situation.
She no longer wants you as bridesmaid though.
Umm, there's a shocker.
So just go take a seat with the guests, and we'll try to get through this.
OK.
John ? Earlier, I couldn't help but overhear.
Seems I never can help it.
And ? And well it's true, we all do have our little fantasies, you were wrong to think that men like you can't be in them.
Sexy is all inside, John.
Look at me.
I may not be the most beautiful woman on Earth, but do I ooze sex ? Yes Elaine.
In buckets.
Because it's in me ! Let it be in you ! My problem My problem is, I've always felt it through Barry, and Barry won't come to me anymore On some level, maybe Barry's is little J.
E.
L.
I beg your pardon ? Do you ever wonder why an exotic beauty like Nelle wants to be with you ? We all do ! You all wonder ? No ! We women all wanna be with you, you're the hottest guy in the office.
And you don't even know it, you hot little biscuit ! Maybe it's lucky for us that you don't know it, because if you ever became a predator, you'd ruin lives ! Barry's coming ! I can feel him coming ! Oh, now you take yourself to Nelle, and if she tells you to go away, you bring yourself back to me, you hot little biscuit ! -I, Risa -I, Risa -Take you Joel to be my husband from this day forward.
-Take you Joel to be my husband from this day forward.
-To join with you and share all things to come -To join with you and share all things to come -For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.
-For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.
Excuse me ? Umm Can I speak to Risa for one second ? No ! I'm sorry, it won't take one second, I promise No, no, no What are you doing ? One second What ?!? Woo, this isn't easy to say Well, say it fast, there's a church full of people in there, plus a restaurant rented out for a reception.
It's getting dark ! Remember when you were talking to Minister Breyer, the other day You said that Joel was a terrible lover and that he didn't know how to touch a woman I can deal with that, Ally, a marriage is much more than sex.
I completely agree, but what I'm saying is, that Joel is Umm He's an incredible lover.
Risa, he's the most amazing lover I've ever been with, I mean, not that I've been with that many, but that man he knows how to touch a woman.
Sex it's it's subjective.
Yes, it is, but trust me, speaking objectively, that man Well if he's not touching you, well then there's something wrong.
Either he doesn't have any passion for you Or he's just he's not being truthful.
I think that you have a experienced womanizer marrying you for your money, and as your lawyer, as your bridesmaid, I just couldn't sit there and see you get hurt.
I'm sorry.
The wedding's off.
Who do you think you are ? I don't know.
And I don't know who you are, but I certainly know that you're capable of fooling women.
I didn't owe you any honesty.
No, I guess you didn't.
But as for the woman wearing the white dress, you haven't really been honest with her, have you Joel ? Oh Joy ! What am I supposed to do with this ? Oh yeah, that was beautiful ! Beautiful ! Applaud, applaud ! Smooth ! Smooth as silk ! So that was it ? That was it ! Ally McBeal, home wrecker ! Here's my card Oh I have it ! Thank you ! Why did you do it ? You didn't owe her anything.
Since when did honesty become a duty ? Let me put it this way : if you see somebody, on the side of the road, hurt, would you stop ? -No.
-Hey ! -Hey ! -Hey ! Old time signs.
Is it true ? Did you quit the bench ? I'm in private practice ! Yeah How did the wedding go ? Don't ask ! Look at me ! Surrounded by all those wattles ! Dance one ? Let's go ! I love your dress ! We're too old for this bar ! Is that so, Liiiing ? Battle woman ! I love it ! John ? John ? You're all right ? Yeah.
Yeah.
I think It's just You looked a little different for a second.
Different how ? You don't wanna know ? Are you sure you're OK ? Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Well, I'm glad you're here.
Yeah, me too
Well, I just umm, umm, little work to do Why Why are you so wet ? It's the new look.
What's wrong ? nothing.
Ally ? I just met this guy.
Somebody I'd never laid eyes on before, I met him at the car wash, one of those drive-through things, and I think he works there.
.
.
you know, the, the The guy ? Yeah, yeah, I think he dries the cars off or something.
And anyway, we made eye contact and It wasn't even flirty ! I don't even think I smiled at him, but we certainly laid eyes on each other, and it was a look.
.
Like maybe we'd known each other in a prior life or something, or maybe we were waiting to meet each other in this life Has that ever happened to you ? Maybe once I And then my car goes into the car wash and I and it's dark in there, and the car gets hit with soap and and there was this haunting feeling I I can't really explain it, I just couldn't stop thinking about him.
And then all of a sudden the door opens and water comes gushing in and everywhere, and I can't really see anything, and the door closes.
And I look up, he's in the car with me.
I'm not even afraid ! And we're soaking wet, and we start reading each other's minds or I should say fantasies, and we don't say a word and we just start kissing.
Without a word ! And then he opens up the door again, and he pulls me out passenger side and I think we were in the at the rinse section, it was dark, and we start taking off each other's clothes ! And we make love right there inside of the car wash ! What ? For all I know he could be some criminal ! And now Pff I know I should feel shame or guilt, but all I feel I just wanna drive back there and And I know that I used the term "make love".
But it wasn't that, John.
No, it was that other word.
Which word ? That vulgar verb we use to describe what two people That's what we were doing, and that's what I wanna do to him again.
That vulgar verb Ally, hi ! Listen, I'm having a small dinner party next week.
I wasn't planning to invite you but if your feelings are gonna be hurt, I suppose I could make room.
Thank you Ling for being so concerned about my feelings.
Ally.
Problem.
Need you.
Now.
What ? Major client.
His daughter.
Some crisis.
Mystery ! Richard, can we talk in whole sentences ? It just helps me to follow.
Rise, this is Ally McBeal, whatever it is, you can tell her, she'll help you out.
Richard !? -Hi -Hello.
I understand that there's a problem.
Yes.
For me to help, you'll need to tell me what it is.
I'm getting married on Saturday, and it's a big wedding, and suddenly my minister says that he won't perform the ceremony, and we can't use the church.
And there are 300 people that are coming, and this is the church that I grew up in, and my father I need your help.
Did your minister say why he wouldn't perform the ceremony ? He didn't really have to tell me why Yesterday he came over to say hello, it was a Sunday, he's a family friend, I was at my parents' house.
My parents weren't home, only me and somebody else.
Reverend Breyer let himself in and he saw me with the somebody else.
You and ? He walked in on me having sex with somebody other than my fiance.
It was a one-night bachelorette kind of thing, that's all ! I'm about to settle down for the rest of my life, I just I'm not a promiscuous person at all, I promise you ! And that's why your minister won't give you the church ? And if it gets out why he's doing this, my fiance, he might call off the wedding altogether and I don't think that there's anything you can legally do to Oh there must be, please ! Well, let me talk it over with my partners, can I do that ? If you could keep it inside these walls I have to save my wedding ! If I go into court, her secret's out.
You could seal the room, do it ex parte.
No, no judge is gonna order a minister to perform a wedding ceremony, if they did that -Elaine would be married ! -I heard that ! Maybe you can make it a contract case ? But then we'll get the church but not the minister, and evidently he's some life-long family friend.
What kind of woman has an affair the week before her wedding ? As opposed to most women who wait till after John, what are your thoughts ? I'm troubled, there seems to be a rash of oversexed women lately John !!! Is Ally having sex ? No, I am not ! Well, if we're gonna go to court, let's go ! God ! You scared me ! You really think you can make it on your own, Renee ? Do you know how hard it is to launch a law practice ? Look if you came here to tell me that I can't I'm not here to tell you that you can't.
Then why are you here ? I came to ask if you would like a partner.
What ? I wanna practice again.
Well Whipper ! A superior court judge, you could have your pick of any law firm in Boston ! I know that.
I picked this one.
I'd be off-counsel, limited hours, I don't wanna be here every day but I'd like to be here.
Nelle ! Tsk tsk ! John ? What is this tsk tsk ? That's something you'd say to a horse instead of "Giddy up !".
And the hip wiggle It bugs me I was saying Hello ! With this ? Tsk tsk ? John we're a couple ! You don't say Hi like a sophomore at Junior Prom ! No, I don't even have to go anymore.
I can't order a minister to perform a ceremony.
Your Honor, money was paid to reserve the church ! She can get a refund.
Can you imagine the emotional distress, the wedding is in two days ! I don't think your client should be in here arguing emotional distress ! What she did was immoral ! Your Honor, may I be heard ? I was hoping it wouldn't come to that.
Yeah, it's unreasonable for this minister or any member of the clergy to demand morality from a parishioner, the Church makes its money of the threat of Hell, if people weren't out there committing sins, they wouldn't be running to Church seeking forgiveness and throwing money in the buckets.
I should also like to point out nobody frowns at a man when he slips at a bachelor party, the ministers are usually right there slipping with him.
But I object to is the double standard, why is it OK for men to gather that last little rose bud and not for women ? This is the highest form of gender discrimination and I won't stand for it ! Women love sex ! They love to think it, dream it, and talk about it, as long as they retain the right to sue you after.
Mister Fish, I am not going to order a minister to perform a wedding ceremony.
You're a gender bigot, Judge.
I'd like you to walk a mile in her diaphragm.
Richard ?! I was in the zone.
Wasn't I in the zone ? So now what ? I'm gonna have to tell my father And Joel, he's gonna leave me.
I am not a promiscuous person, I swear to you I'm not, I've never done anything like this before.
Look, our only appeal is to your minister.
He won't budge.
Well, let me think on it some, we'll go see him this afternoon.
I was in the zone ! Good for you ! Ally ! Can I talk to you a second ? Since you were so candid with me the other day Yeah, which you almost spilled to everybody this morning I'm sorry ! I told you that in confidence ! It's just a coincidence.
You representing a woman being so inconsiderably promiscuous after you yourself Never mind ! What's your problem, John ? Last week, when I went to Detroit - Roberts' deposition -, I called Nelle from the hotel room, and she wanted to have phone sex.
Phone sex ? And I couldn't.
I'm not even sure I know what that is, but since then, Nelle and Iwe've just I can't achieve much of a rhythm ! Well, have you talked to her about this ? No, no, Richard says communications is the death of any relationship Of course.
There is another problem, a bigger one.
I have been unable to access Him.
-Who ? -Him ! -God? No, not God ! Barry White ! I look in the mirror, I move Nothing ! No tub tud I can't become one with him any longer, this makes me a lesser lover.
How can I help ? Well, to be honest, your encounter in the car wash has me a little fraught.
See I've always thought that the key to being a good lover, from a woman's standpoint, was the emotional connection ! Well, that is important.
But to hear you describe Saturday's experience, I I mean, am I correct in assuming that a woman, even if she's not in love with the man, that the sex can still be good ? Ally ? Umm, it can be OK.
But.
.
And you're computer literate ? Completely, IBM and Mac.
OK.
Now we've talked about hours, and salary.
Would you mind taking off your shirt ? I beg your pardon ? I just want to see your chest.
And your stomach.
Is that legal ? Oh, it's illegal to require it, of course we wouldn't do that.
No, basically Daniel, the business of law is all about getting clients.
Now we plan to use our sensuality to do that.
Renee and I will provide a little eye candy for the men -And it would be rude not to have something here for the women -Absolutely.
Of course I can't do the ceremony.
Do you know the vows we recite and undertake ? I understand, but -Did she tell you what I saw ? -Reverend ! How could I participate in such a blatant lie ? I plan to live up to my vows ! Don't insult my intelligence, Risa.
Reverend, if I may, certainly many married couples commit infidelity, and you counsel them.
Why shouldn't Risa be afforded the same compassion ? What I saw Umm umm, it wasn't the Risa Helms I know.
I'm ashamed, of course I am.
Joel is a wonderful man.
He's smart, he's handsome, I see him as the father of my children, but But he's a terrible lover, he doesn't really know how to touch a woman.
That's your excuse ? There's no excuse, but because I plan to be faithful to him, because after the ceremony, he will be the only man I ever make love to again, I wanted one time with someone who could do things to me, make me feel things As I said this is not an excuse, but it's the truth.
And the other truth is, his sexual bungling aside, there is no man on Earth that I would or could love more than Joel.
I planed to take those vows very seriously on Saturday.
And I promise you, I'm not here only trying to spare embarrassments, I'm here asking my minister, the minister that I grew up with, to unite me with the man that I love, under God.
And you said yourself, what you saw in that living room, well, it wasn't the Risa Helms that you know.
And what you just heard, that is.
OK.
Oh ! Thank you ! God ! Thank you ! Have a wonderful wedding RH, and an even better marriage.
Ally, I know we've only known each other for a day, but after this I've got to ask you something, and you can not, can not say no ! Why are we here ? Money.
We're sucking up for our biggest client.
Plus, a wedding is a beautiful thing when it's not yours ! Here she comes ! Hi ! These dresses are hideous ! Sorry Sorry A tickle In my throat In the name of God, we are gathered here on this glorious day to celebrate, and join Risa and Joel in matrimony.
And it is God's presence that lends special joy to today's occasion.
-I, Joel.
-I, Joel.
-Vow to be your faithful husband -Vow to be your faithful husband -Offering you my pure and unwavering true love -Offering you my pure and unwavering true love -As we stand here now.
-As we stand here now.
-And in the presence of God.
-And in the presence of God.
-I commit myself to you.
-I commit myself to you.
-And may this day be just the beginning.
-And may this day be just the beginning.
-Of unending joy.
-Of unending joy.
-Fidelity and Devotion.
-Fidelity and Devotion.
-Through the power of our love.
-Through the power of our love.
Excellent ! The sun smiles on us today, and how can it not ? As these two people pledge to cherish one another forever after.
Umm, before we go further, if there's anybody here who has reason why Joel and Risa should not be joined in holy matrimony, let him speak now, or forever after hold his peace.
No ! Oh My God ! II have a reason.
What's in God's name Ally ? I'm sorry Risa ! What is your reason my child ? Is it ? Oh no, no, it's something else.
Let's just do this, this is ridiculous ! What is it Ally ? It's traditional to share the reason with the congregation.
Well, we won't be honoring that tradition Umm umm Whisper it to me A week ago, I had sex with the groom.
-Oh ! -No! You what ? I didn't know at the time that well that he This is the best wedding I've ever been to ! Ladies and Gentlemen, we're going to take a very short break.
Please remain in your seats.
Quiet ! Quiet ! Be quiet ! This is a lot of money Shut up, for God's sakes ! All right.
Ally ? Umm, I'm sorry.
It happened at a car wash, and I didn't know who he was, and I'd never seen him before.
You'd never seen him before ? And you just made love ? Look, it's it's hard to explain.
Joel ? Can I talk to you for a second please ? It's true ? I need to talk to you in private, come on.
I'm so sorry.
It started with that damn study.
What study ? That study, the one that says that women are attracted to different kinds of men when they're ovulating.
What ? It's true, they're drawn to nice stable home providers three weeks of the month, then when they start to ovulate during mating season it's the virile masculine that We all know what category I fit into, Nelle, and I don't like being dismissed every time a woman's eggs warm up, and you add to that the debacle over the phone sex, this Risa girl who had to live up her sexual fantasy before going down the aisle, Ally at the car wash What is going on ? I know women have sexual fantasies, it's the idea that they would act out on them Oh, like a man could but not a woman That's different ! Why ? Because with a man it is physical, with women, it is partly emotional.
You're saying a woman can't have a purely physical sexual fantasy ?!? Goes against nature ! Elaine ? I was just leaving I don't even know how to respond to that one, John.
I If you're threatened by women having fantasies It's not that I don't love you, or that I don't want to be with you, or that I don't enjoy making love to you I don't want you thinking of any other man.
You want to regulate my thoughts ? No, I want you to regulate them.
John, I Go away ! Just go away ! What did you have to say anything ? I mean, Ally, if you want to go around fornicating in car washes, fine ! But this is the daughter of our biggest client, why ruin her wedding ? Because I had to, OK ? Why ? Why is it OK for Risa to have one last fling alliance but not for Joel, because frankly Richard, if you give me that double standard speech one more time, I swear I'm just confused Kumquat ? Could you help me out ? She perhaps felt upstaged by the bride, and this is a way to make it about her.
Hey, hey, hey, hey ! Do you think it was easy for me to do what I did in front of a whole church full of people ? Do you think there's one person sitting out there right now who doesn't think I'm some cheap slut ? No.
Then why did you do it ? Why not just let them get married and let it be their problem, why did you have to make it mine ? Because he's marrying her for her money, Richard ! How do you know that ? I just do.
Did he tell you this ? We didn't talk, we just had sex ! Then how could you possibly know ? Richard, I know it's none of my business, I know the conventional wisdom tells me to just stay out of this, and I know there are 100 reasons for me to keep my mouth shut ! I couldn't ! You were willing to let that wedding go forward knowing she was unfaithful, why is it different with him ? -Because it is.
-Why ? Because I was there ! Are you sticking out for Risa, or are you punishing him ? That I don't know.
I always wondered what it would be like in a car, as it was being washed Ling, I really don't want to talk about it ! Oh, I'm not criticizing you, I think there's something brave about a woman who identifies a fantasy and just pursues it.
Thank you.
In ancient China, your head would be cut off.
The families are meeting, trying to figure out what to do.
We were fired.
Oh, sorry Richard ! It's OK, Ally, I know you did in your twisted mind what you thought you had to do.
I appreciate your support.
OK, we're back on.
We are ? Yes, Risa and Joel talked things out, and I guess she agrees, he was no more guilty than she was, so The wedding is on ? Yes ! And as disinclined as I was before to perform the ceremony, you can imagine my excitement now ! But I got a room full of people out there, and a situation.
She no longer wants you as bridesmaid though.
Umm, there's a shocker.
So just go take a seat with the guests, and we'll try to get through this.
OK.
John ? Earlier, I couldn't help but overhear.
Seems I never can help it.
And ? And well it's true, we all do have our little fantasies, you were wrong to think that men like you can't be in them.
Sexy is all inside, John.
Look at me.
I may not be the most beautiful woman on Earth, but do I ooze sex ? Yes Elaine.
In buckets.
Because it's in me ! Let it be in you ! My problem My problem is, I've always felt it through Barry, and Barry won't come to me anymore On some level, maybe Barry's is little J.
E.
L.
I beg your pardon ? Do you ever wonder why an exotic beauty like Nelle wants to be with you ? We all do ! You all wonder ? No ! We women all wanna be with you, you're the hottest guy in the office.
And you don't even know it, you hot little biscuit ! Maybe it's lucky for us that you don't know it, because if you ever became a predator, you'd ruin lives ! Barry's coming ! I can feel him coming ! Oh, now you take yourself to Nelle, and if she tells you to go away, you bring yourself back to me, you hot little biscuit ! -I, Risa -I, Risa -Take you Joel to be my husband from this day forward.
-Take you Joel to be my husband from this day forward.
-To join with you and share all things to come -To join with you and share all things to come -For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.
-For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.
Excuse me ? Umm Can I speak to Risa for one second ? No ! I'm sorry, it won't take one second, I promise No, no, no What are you doing ? One second What ?!? Woo, this isn't easy to say Well, say it fast, there's a church full of people in there, plus a restaurant rented out for a reception.
It's getting dark ! Remember when you were talking to Minister Breyer, the other day You said that Joel was a terrible lover and that he didn't know how to touch a woman I can deal with that, Ally, a marriage is much more than sex.
I completely agree, but what I'm saying is, that Joel is Umm He's an incredible lover.
Risa, he's the most amazing lover I've ever been with, I mean, not that I've been with that many, but that man he knows how to touch a woman.
Sex it's it's subjective.
Yes, it is, but trust me, speaking objectively, that man Well if he's not touching you, well then there's something wrong.
Either he doesn't have any passion for you Or he's just he's not being truthful.
I think that you have a experienced womanizer marrying you for your money, and as your lawyer, as your bridesmaid, I just couldn't sit there and see you get hurt.
I'm sorry.
The wedding's off.
Who do you think you are ? I don't know.
And I don't know who you are, but I certainly know that you're capable of fooling women.
I didn't owe you any honesty.
No, I guess you didn't.
But as for the woman wearing the white dress, you haven't really been honest with her, have you Joel ? Oh Joy ! What am I supposed to do with this ? Oh yeah, that was beautiful ! Beautiful ! Applaud, applaud ! Smooth ! Smooth as silk ! So that was it ? That was it ! Ally McBeal, home wrecker ! Here's my card Oh I have it ! Thank you ! Why did you do it ? You didn't owe her anything.
Since when did honesty become a duty ? Let me put it this way : if you see somebody, on the side of the road, hurt, would you stop ? -No.
-Hey ! -Hey ! -Hey ! Old time signs.
Is it true ? Did you quit the bench ? I'm in private practice ! Yeah How did the wedding go ? Don't ask ! Look at me ! Surrounded by all those wattles ! Dance one ? Let's go ! I love your dress ! We're too old for this bar ! Is that so, Liiiing ? Battle woman ! I love it ! John ? John ? You're all right ? Yeah.
Yeah.
I think It's just You looked a little different for a second.
Different how ? You don't wanna know ? Are you sure you're OK ? Yeah, yeah, I think so.
Well, I'm glad you're here.
Yeah, me too