Baskets (2016) s03e01 Episode Script

1 Looks like a position has become available in a traveling Russian circus.
(LAUGHTER) You American, you all want to be star, huh? You're fired.
DALE: How did the, uh, - trustees meeting go? - They took a vote and decided to remove you as president.
It's Baskets Career College, as in Dale Baskets.
Let's take a look at this will.
- Shall we? - Yes.
MRS.
BASKETS: Money's no problem for me.
I've come into a little nest egg.
My mother died.
KEN: My daughters and I run a carpeting business together.
- I find it fascinating.
- (CHUCKLES) Especially that you have a family business.
It all looks so fun.
You're not thinking about buying this place, are you? MRS.
BASKETS: What do you think? - "Baskets Family Rodeo.
" - I'm just a performer.
I, you know, I'm-I'm not a business, so I'll be handling the business because I'm a business-minded businessman.
Who means business.
(HORSE NEIGHS) (LAUGHS) Don't eat my hat.
DALE: Three, two, one.
I want my mother to see my horses, so I want you to wash 'em, wax 'em and buff 'em, make sure you make 'em look like one of them beer commercials.
You know? - You got it, boss.
- Okeydokey.
Stick 'em in the stall.
Get the shit out of their eyes.
(FLIES BUZZING) (HORSE NEIGHS) You have any circuses coming through town? - Nope.
- Nothing I can run away with? Hey, there's nothing I can offer you that's as steady as that rodeo.
Hey, plus you're in management there.
I mean, that's a step up.
Yeah, but I just sit behind a desk.
I'd rather get back to clowning.
You know, I'm actually a clown, too.
- Kablammo.
- Kablammo? - That's nice.
- Yeah.
But now this is my job, and Kablammo is just the icing.
Why were you called Kablammo? Uh, it's 'cause I used to try to light my farts on fire, but then it got well, things happened and my insurance lapsed.
- Howdy, Dale.
- Hey, Chip.
Guess what? Baskets Family Rodeo now owns three beautiful stallions.
- Good for you, Dale.
- Yep.
Bought 'em myself.
Whittled the guy down on the price a bunch.
He was real poor, that guy.
(CHUCKLES) Oh, look, here's some pictures of the horsies if you want to see 'em.
You know, I'm a novice to this, uh, rodeo thing, but I've already acquired three horses and some cowboys.
Have you hired one clown yet? Uh, yeah.
I was just, um I was just about to Oop.
I was just about to do that.
- Um - Mm-hmm.
So (PHONE BEEPING) You've never worked in an office before.
You have to dial nine.
(LAUGHS) You've got to dial nine.
That's at every office across the United States.
You know what, I will hire the clowns, and you just man the phones.
You're the phone guy now.
Phones are a vital part of a business.
You know, they're a portal to who might be your customers, so working the phone, being the gatekeeper's a very important job.
Don't pooh-pooh it just 'cause you don't know how to do-do it.
(PHONE RINGING) Answer it.
I'm not the phone person.
This isn't my training, I Answer the phone.
Hello? (GROANS) Baskets Family Rodeo.
This is Chip Baskets.
How can I help you? You've got to be courteous.
Who would you like to speak to? Christine? Okay.
Let me just transfer you, uh, over, okay? (WHISPERING): Just transfer that to Mom.
(GRUNTS) Just transfer it over.
Okay, so I just, um - Just, do you see a transfer? - I'm just gonna transfer.
- Just transfer trans Chip.
- I'm gonna transfer you - in just a second, hold on.
- Tran - What are you doing? - Call coming in, Mom.
What the hell are you? Okay, Mom, you have a phone Oh, my God.
- Hello? - (DIAL TONE DRONING) Hello? You have a call coming through.
- Just pick it up, okay? - Okay.
- I already have a phone here, honey.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, God.
(PHONE RINGS) Hello, Baskets Family Rodeo.
This is the owner and CEO, Christine Baskets.
(GASPS) What? You're kidding.
Channel 9 News is coming - to the rodeo! - (DALE LAUGHS) That's great, Mom.
MRS.
BASKETS: This is big-time.
Danielle Mana from the 4:00 news is going to come on Friday.
(GASPS, LAUGHS) Chip, you should not be working on the phones.
- You should be getting clowns.
- Yeah, I Dale insists that I have to do the phones, I guess.
- That was a business hypothetical.
- Well, whatever.
I've got a million things to do.
Channel 9! - It's exciting, Mom.
- MRS.
BASKETS: I love it.
You have a lot to learn about office politics.
A lot.
It's half past.
- Do you think she forgot? - She's probably feeding some bucking bronco or something.
It's always something down at the rodeo.
Why a rodeo, anyway? - She's got a screw loose.
- (CHUCKLES) We're all going to start losing our marbles soon.
(ALL LAUGH) She bought it for her son.
- Chip? Jeez.
- Yeah.
Look, I give it about two weeks.
Well, it's not really a business.
It's only a gesture.
Oh, sorry, girls.
What a day.
But I brought champagne! - Champagne? - Oh.
I'm gonna be on TV.
I'm so honored to be on the 4:00 p.
m.
news.
You know, I don't even watch the network news anymore.
NAN: My VCR's broken.
I don't watch anything.
(ALL CHUCKLE) I'm thinking about wearing my hair up.
- Or down.
- You mean like Sally Field's? - Yes.
-(LAUGHS) - MRS.
BASKETS: Oh.
- What are you gonna wear? - You know, I thought I'd get something new, 'cause I lost 20 pounds.
- Oh, you look great.
- Yes.
It's just a shame that those cameras add 20 pounds.
I mean, everybody on television is just a toothpick.
- Oh.
- And you better make sure you don't get something that makes you sweat.
NAN: Oh, but they have these wonderful sweat pads that you just pin right into your jacket.
WANDA: Yeah, you should get those.
NAN: So, what are you gonna wear? (SIGHS) Oh.
(SKYPE CHIMES) What do you think of this? KEN (OVER COMPUTER): I like that.
Too Coney Island.
That's the problem with that one.
What about this? I like that.
God, I never realized I had so many pastels.
God, what am I I thought I was an autumn.
I think I'm a summer.
Can you move that mug or whatever that is out of the way? It's like we're still talking on the phone.
- (GRUNTS) - Oh, I like that.
- This is a blanket.
- Well - You're not even paying attention.
- I am paying attention.
I liked it.
I mean, the fabric would look good on you.
I don't want to look bad - on TV.
- You won't.
- I'm a rodeo owner.
(CHUCKLES) - I know.
Can you believe it? Christine, why don't you just go out and buy something new, honey? I've already tried everything on at the Dress Barn.
- (KEN SIGHS) - I'm in between sizes.
Well, I tell you what.
You're a very talented woman.
Why don't you just whip something together? I mean, remember? You sewed that button on for me.
It's still there.
A button? They teach animals to do that.
I don't know.
I used to sew years ago.
I was pretty good.
Well, I think you're still a good sewer, and you can do this.
I believe in you.
You're Christine Baskets, rodeo owner.
You can do it.
Oh, God.
DALE (OVER PA): Good morning, everybody.
The first PA announcement goes out to Christine Baskets.
Please report to the main arena to meet the costars for the Channel 9 interview.
That's over and out.
One moment.
(GATE CREAKS) Ta-da! - Are these ours? - Yes, Mother.
- Oh, they're beautiful.
- I know.
Danielle is gonna want to see these.
This is Bucky Boy, that's Lady, and that's Bucky Girl.
Oh.
Well, can we change one to Ester for Meemaw? - Can we change their names? - CHIP: Hey, Mom.
Hey, Mr.
Head Clown.
You find any clowns yet? No, but I had an idea for a - for a classified ad, you know - An idea? "Clowns wanted," honey.
That's it.
This reminds me of when you were in junior high and you'd come to me, "Mom, I haven't read the Little House on the Prairie.
" Well, who has? Just make up some stuff.
Laura Ingalls dot, dot, dot.
I didn't ask for any of this.
I'm sorry.
I'm sure you'll find someone, honey.
You'll find some good people.
Oh, stop! Stop! The horse bit me! - Oh, shoo! Shoo.
- Mom, Mom, Mom.
(HORSE NEIGHS) Oh, God.
MAN: Everyone out! - CHIP: Dale, Dale! - (HORSES NEIGHING) Give the horse space! Give the horse space! Oh, what happened? I mean, good gosh.
- They're crazy.
- DALE: That horse goosed me.
Mom, they were eating out of my hat.
We need to fix this.
It's your fault.
- (DOORBELL RINGS) - It's open.
MARTHA: Hi, Mrs.
Baskets.
Is Chip ready? Hi, Martha.
Chip, Martha's here! CHIP: Okay, I'll be down in a second.
Okay, that's fine.
Hey, could you take all these donations down to the Goodwill on First for me on your way to the rodeo? You're getting rid of a lot of stuff.
I am.
Wow.
Hey, is this your wedding dress? Oh, that disaster.
I still remember the look on Nathan's face when he saw me coming down the aisle.
He hadn't seen it yet.
His whole face dropped.
I was so embarrassed.
I didn't even know you sewed, - Mrs.
Baskets.
- Oh, yes.
I sewed everything.
I even got caught up in the doily craze for a while.
But Nathan always said they didn't look good.
But I didn't care, 'cause I loved sewing.
I love the feel of material, working the machine, and It took that dress to convince me that he was right.
I just didn't have the eye for it, so I just quit sewing.
I gave it up.
Well, I think it's really good, Mrs.
Baskets.
That's so sweet of you, Martha.
If you'd like it, you could have it.
No, I'm gonna hold off on marriage till I find out what this polyamorous stuff is about.
Polyester that was my favorite material to sew.
You could do anything with it.
Well, I'm not gonna screw up this interview for Channel 9.
I got a pattern this time.
I'm gonna make a beautiful dress.
They're gonna love it.
(SIGHS) - (CALLS): Chip! - Yeah.
Oh.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, Chip.
Well, you kids should shove off.
Okay.
Bye, Mrs.
Baskets.
If you want to keep the dress, Martha, feel free to.
- I'll get the door.
- Uh-huh.
Okay.
Old man got it.
Come on, Junior.
Howdy, guys.
- Must be nice to just - (HORSESHOE LANDS) pussyfoot your life away.
- Bunch of pussyfooters.
- JUNIOR: Yeah, that's right.
Just pussyfooting around, bonesmoker.
Bonesmoker? Sir, I'm a metrosexual.
Huh.
You didn't say "heterosexual.
" Metropolitan sexual is what I mean.
By the way, I don't appreciate being set up.
You turned my horses against me.
Now I can't even set foot in our own rodeo.
Did we? Hey, Clyde.
Do you remember turning the horses against Dinky? DALE: Save it, Clyde I know how this works I'm supposed to go into the horse corral first as to establish who's the pack leader.
But you guys sent the horses in first, and now - they have no respect for me.
- Whatever you say, Dinky.
- Dinky? Why do you keep calling me Dinky? - No, no, no.
Not you.
The little man who pulls the strings inside you.
That's that's not his na I don't have a man pulling the strings inside of me! God, I'm getting all flustered! I'll tell you this, if those horses ain't eating out of my hand by the time that local news reporter whips out her microphone, I'm gonna smack that booger-blocker right off your face.
All right.
DALE (MUFFLED): Oh, God! Chip, you gotta get this thing off my face! Please! - Dale, what's going on? - Take it off Ow! (SHOUTING UNINTELLIGIBLY) There's been a mutiny my men have turned on me, - and I need you Chip! - Let me see what I can do.
Chip! I hear what you're saying, I mean, Dale can be annoying, but he he means well.
RAMBLING COWBOY: So what? I ain't his mama.
COWBOY: Dinky ain't my boss.
We'd rather go through a clown like you you understand us.
No.
No management for me.
I just want to get back to clowning.
RAMBLING COWBOY: Them horses, they come to us crazy.
They was wild.
They got slowed down on them tranquilizers.
What? Jim Jack Mahoney is what.
- Jim Jack Mahoney? - That guy can't be trusted.
Okay, wait a minute.
So you're telling me that Dale bought sedated horses from this Jim Jack guy? - Oh, I'm just sayin'.
- Look, Dinky needed to take a fall off his wild horse, see.
Wasn't my place to school him on the ways of Jim Jack Mahoney.
I think I know what you're saying.
I think.
You're the only person I know - who's been on the news, Mrs.
Baskets.
- Thank you.
Actually, you know, my cousin was on the news for dumping grease into a storm drain, but that wasn't as fun.
Well, it's all been a whirlwind for me.
This rodeo has changed my life.
You're like Cinderella, and I'm one of those helper rats.
Ow! - Sorry.
- Careful, Martha.
- Sorry.
- Geez.
Well, just think of me as your fairy godmother.
- How about that? - Okay.
You know, I hope you're not too hard on Chip if he can't find any clowns.
I know he's been trying really hard.
Well, I hope so I bought the place for him.
Oh, shit! Damn it.
I've sewn the sleeve to the dress.
Martha, we've got to concentrate.
Less about your personal life, more sewing.
(SIGHS) Sorry, Mrs.
Baskets.
Do you want to turn me back into a pumpkin? I would love that.
DALE: Well, you tell me you're the veterinarian.
These horses need to be on camera tomorrow.
When I bought 'em, they were just docile angels.
They were.
(SIGHS): Right.
They'd probably been injected with Xylazine.
That's what we give the big guys when we're doing a little dental work or a castration.
Fine.
Is it possible to get a lifetime supply of Xylazine, then? Not really something to joke about.
Tranquilizers are for licensed medical professionals only.
Drug-addicted teenagers fry their brains on that stuff.
You got swindled, Dale.
- You know what, this is your fault! - My fault? You work at a rodeo you should know about horses! Do you have a rabies shot for him? I think he's starting to foam at the mouth from the horse bite.
I only have rabies shots for horses.
I am not authorized to work on humans, if you're asking me to bend the rules.
You know what? I should be in an air-conditioned office yelling at people.
Thank you.
(HORSES NEIGHING) (GROANS SOFTLY) (PHONE RINGS) (SIGHS) Thank you for calling Baskets Family Rodeo.
This is Chip Baskets, head clown and Vice President of Phone Operations.
DALE: Well, there you go, Chip.
Was that so hard? Dale, good.
Listen, um, Mom and this local news thing and the horses, I'm a little worried about it.
Chip, look, these horses need to be sedated.
So you're gonna ask one of your riffraff cowboy buddies which drug dealer in the Bakersfield area sells tranquilizers to tweens, to junkies, to horses.
- Thank you.
- (PHONE CLICKS) (DIAL TONE DRONES) And then he was sitting on a donkey.
(IMITATING BRAYING) I just need to know where I can score horse tranquilizers.
I got a man.
(MUFFLED HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING) Yes.
You're the, uh - A girl's gotta eat.
- Yeah, that checks out.
Come on in.
- Wow.
This your man cave? - No.
Don't open your eyes.
KEN (ON SKYPE): Yeah, they're closed.
- Okay.
- All right, here we go.
Wow! - What do you think? - Yeah, my little rodeo gal! - You like it? - I love that! - Bang-bang, huh? - Oh, that's great! - Oh, my God, my sleeve.
- Oh.
- That's pretty.
I love that little - You do? - Oh, the frills, yeah, it's beautiful.
- (FABRIC RIPPING) Oh.
- (FABRIC RIPPING) - Sorry, babe.
Oh, my God, the back.
Oh.
KEN: Ah.
Oh, neither sleeve's really on.
I'll never be able to get this done in time.
- You got time; you can do it.
- I don't have time.
It's today in 45 minutes, I have to be there.
Well - that's not good.
- I got to go, Ken.
All right, honey.
I'm here if you need me.
(TAKES DEEP BREATH) WOMAN: I like that one, but Jake's gonna like the other, and it's four dollars less.
This is the most important day of your life.
CHRISTINE: Excuse me.
This is mine.
(WHISPERS): Chip will come through, he's gotta come - Dale.
- Oh, good, you got it.
I'll open the gate, and you can inject those beasts.
I don't think we should do this.
I mean, the horses are gonna suffer.
Oh, so you want Mom to suffer, do you? So Seabiscuit and Secretariat can just trounce all over Danielle Mana? Let's just tell Mom that we couldn't figure out the horse thing I mean, she'll understand, right? - Oh, gosh, I'll just do it myself.
- Dale.
- Hey.
Hey-hey-hey-hey-hey.
- Calm down.
Don't be a snowflake, Chip! We're not Ringling Bros.
, we're better than that.
- Listen to me! - Dale, Dale, Dale.
(GRUNTING) (RAPID PANTING) - (CHICKENS CLUCKING) - Whew! - Are you okay? - I'm fine.
It just went in a little bit.
I'm fine.
That smarted, though.
DALE: Rodeo's off limits! No media at the rodeo, so get your van with all its bells and whistles and giddy on out! We're looking for Christine Baskets.
- Well, I don't know who that is.
- Hooray, Channel 9! Oh.
What are you wearing? Danielle! I love your news! - Thank you.
- Oh Your report on dangerous crosswalks saved my life.
- Thank you.
- You look more beautiful in person.
- Oh.
So sweet.
(LAUGHS) - It's true, you do.
- These twins are saying we can't get in.
- What? - Mom, the horses are still - Shh The horses are sleeping.
- They need their rest.
- Oh, sure.
Well, let's do the interview out here.
(GASPS SOFTLY) That's great.
Let's do it.
CHRISTINE: Welcome, cameraman! - Wow, he looks like a real pro.
- He is.
CHRISTINE: Well, we're not open to the public yet, but we're close.
I have to ask.
I just love your outfit.
- Thank you.
- Who is it? It's Christine Baskets.
You made this? - I did.
- It's amazing.
And this is my son Chip.
He's a French-trained clown.
And, uh, he's head of all the rodeo clowns.
Well, this must be a dream come true for you.
(SLURRING): That is dretch dratch cha Anyway, like I was saying, we've been all working very hard to get open for the public.
(SINGERS VOCALIZING UPBEAT MELODY)