Betty White's Off Their Rockers (2012) s03e01 Episode Script
Welcome Back - Taking Advantage
Hey, will you take my picture? Thanks.
- Yep.
- Okay.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Let's see if it came out, okay? Oh, wow.
Wow.
Wait, that's you in there.
_ Don't I look ridiculous in that picture? Thank you.
Excuse me.
Miss? Would you like to see today's special? Hi, everyone.
Welcome to an all-new season of "Off Their Rockers" The show where seniors prank the juniors.
You know, sometimes I feel kind of bad about taking advantage of young people.
But he really didn't seem to mind last night.
Okay, let's watch the show.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Can you hold this for just a second? I just want to sign my grandson's card.
Okay.
Yeah, he's gonna be 8 years old.
This is his 8th-birthday present.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, he's just dying to learn how to juggle.
That's cool.
They're very sharp.
They're perfectly balanced, very heavy.
I think it's what all the kids are using now.
Oh, really? Oh, yeah.
Juggling's the latest craze.
- You know how kids are.
- Isn't that too sharp? Well, they're supposed to be very sharp, and he has to learn because the next phase is using power saws, you know? So he's got to get good with these first.
Oh, my God.
What a brave kid.
Oh, yes, he really is very brave.
- Thank you so much.
- Okay.
No problem.
Am I proud of myself.
I'm writing on here, doing everything.
Can I just ask you, do you spell "their" t-h-e-i-r? It depends on the context in which you're using it.
You got a free hand? Just hold that for a second.
I appreciate this help from all of y'all.
And I'm gonna straighten this out right now.
Why'd you put white-out on your 'Cause I didn't want to send out something that's showing spelling errors.
I appreciate it.
Hi.
Excuse me, but we've had some complaints.
About what? That there's an offensive odor coming from your vicinity.
And we understand sometimes it's just There's no time to bathe.
So I have a solution, if you don't mind.
If you could just wear this around your neck.
You are just kidding.
Really? Would you mind? - Lovely.
- Okay.
Oh, thank you so much.
On behalf of literally everyone in this store, I want to thank you so much.
Enjoy your shopping.
All right.
Excuse me.
Is there a good bar around here? - A bar? - Yeah.
- Right over there.
- Is that a singles bar? - Pardon me? - I'm newly single.
Okay.
Oh, my God! No.
Oh, no.
Hi, there.
I'm teaching my little protégé here about the business.
But we're having a slight problem with tantrums.
I want a bigger trailer.
No.
Louder.
I want a bigger trailer! I think she's getting the hang of it.
Excuse me.
Can you help me one second? My girlfriend is just coming back, and I want to ask her to marry me.
So will you take a picture? - _ - Uh, wait.
Wait a minute.
Yeah.
- So just waiting for her, okay? - _ Oh, hi, honey.
Oh.
Oh, hi.
Reatha, I want to ask you a question.
Will you marry me? Oh, my God.
Why are you so quiet? Um are you there? Reatha? - Do you see her? - _ I love you, Reatha.
_ - _ - _ What happened? Miss, could you help me a minute, please? Could you open this lid for me? That would be wonderful.
Thank you.
- I'll take that from you.
- Oh, that's wonderful.
- Aren't recycler people wonderful? - You guys are so mean.
Oh, thank you very much for opening the lid.
Thank you.
It's often said that the human body is a work of art, and I'm a real patron of the arts.
Hi.
One quick question for you.
I'm doing I have a little survey for the census bureau.
Sure.
Do you like briefs or boxers? Well, I wear boxers.
Boxers! - You win a prize! - Oh, really? Here you go.
You're gonna look so great in that.
- I can just picture it.
- Oh, all right, then.
You know, they used to belong to my husband, but he outgrew them.
Have a great day.
- I don't want used underwear.
- You sure? You can keep them.
Well, he wore them once.
Thank you, though.
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
- You have a great day.
- All right.
So what are you doing here today? _ - I knew that.
- How? - I'm a psychic.
- Oh, you are? Yeah.
Wait.
I'm getting a message.
Oh, my goodness.
I see an Asian man in your future.
And I see the color red.
You need to be careful, young man.
Oh, God.
The danger.
The danger.
Ah.
Hang on a sec.
I got to take a quick reading.
_ Can you raise your arms, please? It's off the charts.
Just stand right here, please.
_ Send in the team.
Hazmat is ready.
We'll be on our way.
- Stay right there.
- _ - Hi.
- How's it going? - Good.
How are you? - I'm doing well.
My therapist sent me here.
She said if I get people to read these cards to me, that I'll be a stronger person.
Would you read them? Yeah.
That's nice of you.
Okay.
"You are strong woman.
" I guess.
"Your sexual prowess is unmatched.
" Are they kidding? "You are a demon in the sack.
" I'm a demon in the sack? "You're a total babe.
" Aww.
I like that.
"You've got a killer rack.
" You've got an interesting therapist.
Well, you know, it's working a little bit.
Coming from you, it makes me feel great.
That's good.
Thank you very much.
Thanks.
Do you want my number? _ Oh! Hello, there.
It's amazing how much time you can spend on YouTube.
I just can't get enough of those adorable cat videos.
But enough is enough.
It's time to put the screen away and just enjoy my friends for a while.
Oh, this is much better.
Andale! Andale! Vamanos! Oh-ho-ho! Watch it! Toro! Toro! Andale! Vamanos! Vamanos! Vamanos! Toro! This fresh kale salad is loaded with greens, super foods, and fresh veggies.
Disgusting, right? Thanks to my new line of Betty's own salad dressings, with 670 calories a serving, you can finally make salad bad for you again, not to mention delicious.
Betty's own Put some white in every bite.
Oh, boy.
I got this letter from my lawyer.
I don't have my glasses.
Could you just read what it says? It says, uh, "City of Los Angeles versus Richard Johnson.
- "You are due to appear in court" - Dang! " to answer for the charges of streaking in public, urinating on city property, liberating zoo animals, and tattooing citizens.
" No! I didn't take off my clothes! Dang! They should have seen what I really did.
All right.
Can't believe that.
Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
Hi.
Do guys have a light? - No, no light.
- You don't smoke? I don't smoke.
I have a baby that smokes.
He does.
No, that's not right.
Are you for reals? Well, why not? I mean, it's better than giving him a little liquor.
You shouldn't be giving liquor or smoke, though.
But he cries if I don't.
I suggest you stop doing it 'cause later in life, it'll affect him.
- Really? - Yes, it will.
If I were you, I would cut it out.
- Okay.
- Please.
Excuse me.
Do you happen to have the time? _ _ Oh, you know what? I think it's really beer o'clock.
You know what I mean? Never know when you're gonna need one.
Whoa! How you doing? Good.
How are you? Okay, so I don't know if we should go Oh, that's so good.
Oh, my God.
- Do you think - So good.
They're so good.
Oh, my God.
This is really embarrassing.
Oh.
I can't do this at home because my wife will kill me.
Oh, God.
She really would.
Nature's wonderful, ain't it? - Ew.
- Just think.
Two people connecting.
I think it's absolutely wonderful.
Oh, God.
- I can't even look.
- I know.
Ew! I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
You know what? Oh.
I'm gonna leave this here.
If you want to watch it, you can watch it.
I'll be right back.
We're okay.
We're good.
Do whatever you want to do with it, okay? Oh.
Boy, do I have to go.
Should we, like, turn it off? Just turn it so you can't see it.
Dude.
Can you imagine if that was your grandfather? Oh, my God.
Doreen from Oklahoma writes, "Betty, my two favorite celebrities are you and Bradley Cooper.
Have you ever met him? What's he like?" Thanks for your letter, Doreen.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I have met Bradley Cooper.
And what's he like? Well, he likes to sleep on the left side of the bed.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah? You've been selected to be our big-check winner.
All you have to do is answer one question.
Who is the Governor of California? Brown? Brown is correct! You just won $25,000.
Wow.
Thank you.
Are you serious? Yes, yes.
Here.
- Will you take a picture with us? - Are you serious? Yes.
Oh, my God.
That's so awesome.
- Okay, smile.
- Wow.
Smile.
Perfect.
One thing.
When is your birthday? March 19, 1995.
January, February Ann, we have a problem.
- Oh, no.
What is it? - She's born in March.
I'm sorry.
I'm so so - Let's find somebody else.
- Wait a second.
Sorry.
_ How you guys doing? Doing good.
How about yourself? You mind if I vent for a second? Sure, man.
You know, it's like my mom, like, she's like totally a space kit.
Like, she's totally OMG mad.
It's, like, come o Aw, geez.
She grounded It's her.
Hello? Mom? No.
No, no, no, no.
I'm on my way home.
Thanks.
Beautiful day, isn't it? I love to bring Brian out here.
He loves coming out here.
Hi, Reatha.
- Hi, Melanie.
- Hi, Brian.
Our boys.
Just like old times.
The four of us.
Do you think the boys want to stay out here and hang out by themselves for a while? We can have a little girl time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like that.
Ohh.
We can go get something to eat.
We'll be back in an hour.
- I think there's some food right over here.
- Good.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Good.
How are you? Good.
I'm good.
Except I ordered a cab, and I cannot believe how long it's taking.
Did somebody order a cab? I did.
Geez.
LAX, right? Yeah, step on it, pal.
Bye.
Bye, hon.
Thanks.
_ _ - How are you? - Very good.
Better than ever.
Good.
Uh, are you planning to smoke? Why? Well, this is a designated smoking-only zone.
Okay.
Do you have any cigarettes, cigars, pipe? - Not at all.
- Anything to smoke? Not at all.
Well, then I'm gonna have to ask you to move right along, sir.
Really? Wow.
I never heard that.
It's the first time.
Well, rules keep changing.
I'll tell you what.
You look like a nice guy.
You want to stay here and stretch? I'm gonna have to ask you to hang on to this cigar.
Just hold it.
Make believe you're smoking.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm gonna keep my eye on you.
All right.
All right.
It's award season, and "Off Their Tockers" is getting into the game this year by giving out our very own awards.
Richard, you won Best Walker Prank.
And, Ann, you won Best Text Prank.
And Jared You win Best Kiss.
Wait a minute.
He's not part of the cast.
He is now.
You guys are so mean.
Wow.
Wait, that's you in there.
- Yep.
- Okay.
Okay, wait, wait, wait.
Let's see if it came out, okay? Oh, wow.
Wow.
Wait, that's you in there.
_ Don't I look ridiculous in that picture? Thank you.
Excuse me.
Miss? Would you like to see today's special? Hi, everyone.
Welcome to an all-new season of "Off Their Rockers" The show where seniors prank the juniors.
You know, sometimes I feel kind of bad about taking advantage of young people.
But he really didn't seem to mind last night.
Okay, let's watch the show.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Can you hold this for just a second? I just want to sign my grandson's card.
Okay.
Yeah, he's gonna be 8 years old.
This is his 8th-birthday present.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, he's just dying to learn how to juggle.
That's cool.
They're very sharp.
They're perfectly balanced, very heavy.
I think it's what all the kids are using now.
Oh, really? Oh, yeah.
Juggling's the latest craze.
- You know how kids are.
- Isn't that too sharp? Well, they're supposed to be very sharp, and he has to learn because the next phase is using power saws, you know? So he's got to get good with these first.
Oh, my God.
What a brave kid.
Oh, yes, he really is very brave.
- Thank you so much.
- Okay.
No problem.
Am I proud of myself.
I'm writing on here, doing everything.
Can I just ask you, do you spell "their" t-h-e-i-r? It depends on the context in which you're using it.
You got a free hand? Just hold that for a second.
I appreciate this help from all of y'all.
And I'm gonna straighten this out right now.
Why'd you put white-out on your 'Cause I didn't want to send out something that's showing spelling errors.
I appreciate it.
Hi.
Excuse me, but we've had some complaints.
About what? That there's an offensive odor coming from your vicinity.
And we understand sometimes it's just There's no time to bathe.
So I have a solution, if you don't mind.
If you could just wear this around your neck.
You are just kidding.
Really? Would you mind? - Lovely.
- Okay.
Oh, thank you so much.
On behalf of literally everyone in this store, I want to thank you so much.
Enjoy your shopping.
All right.
Excuse me.
Is there a good bar around here? - A bar? - Yeah.
- Right over there.
- Is that a singles bar? - Pardon me? - I'm newly single.
Okay.
Oh, my God! No.
Oh, no.
Hi, there.
I'm teaching my little protégé here about the business.
But we're having a slight problem with tantrums.
I want a bigger trailer.
No.
Louder.
I want a bigger trailer! I think she's getting the hang of it.
Excuse me.
Can you help me one second? My girlfriend is just coming back, and I want to ask her to marry me.
So will you take a picture? - _ - Uh, wait.
Wait a minute.
Yeah.
- So just waiting for her, okay? - _ Oh, hi, honey.
Oh.
Oh, hi.
Reatha, I want to ask you a question.
Will you marry me? Oh, my God.
Why are you so quiet? Um are you there? Reatha? - Do you see her? - _ I love you, Reatha.
_ - _ - _ What happened? Miss, could you help me a minute, please? Could you open this lid for me? That would be wonderful.
Thank you.
- I'll take that from you.
- Oh, that's wonderful.
- Aren't recycler people wonderful? - You guys are so mean.
Oh, thank you very much for opening the lid.
Thank you.
It's often said that the human body is a work of art, and I'm a real patron of the arts.
Hi.
One quick question for you.
I'm doing I have a little survey for the census bureau.
Sure.
Do you like briefs or boxers? Well, I wear boxers.
Boxers! - You win a prize! - Oh, really? Here you go.
You're gonna look so great in that.
- I can just picture it.
- Oh, all right, then.
You know, they used to belong to my husband, but he outgrew them.
Have a great day.
- I don't want used underwear.
- You sure? You can keep them.
Well, he wore them once.
Thank you, though.
Thank you.
I really appreciate it.
- You have a great day.
- All right.
So what are you doing here today? _ - I knew that.
- How? - I'm a psychic.
- Oh, you are? Yeah.
Wait.
I'm getting a message.
Oh, my goodness.
I see an Asian man in your future.
And I see the color red.
You need to be careful, young man.
Oh, God.
The danger.
The danger.
Ah.
Hang on a sec.
I got to take a quick reading.
_ Can you raise your arms, please? It's off the charts.
Just stand right here, please.
_ Send in the team.
Hazmat is ready.
We'll be on our way.
- Stay right there.
- _ - Hi.
- How's it going? - Good.
How are you? - I'm doing well.
My therapist sent me here.
She said if I get people to read these cards to me, that I'll be a stronger person.
Would you read them? Yeah.
That's nice of you.
Okay.
"You are strong woman.
" I guess.
"Your sexual prowess is unmatched.
" Are they kidding? "You are a demon in the sack.
" I'm a demon in the sack? "You're a total babe.
" Aww.
I like that.
"You've got a killer rack.
" You've got an interesting therapist.
Well, you know, it's working a little bit.
Coming from you, it makes me feel great.
That's good.
Thank you very much.
Thanks.
Do you want my number? _ Oh! Hello, there.
It's amazing how much time you can spend on YouTube.
I just can't get enough of those adorable cat videos.
But enough is enough.
It's time to put the screen away and just enjoy my friends for a while.
Oh, this is much better.
Andale! Andale! Vamanos! Oh-ho-ho! Watch it! Toro! Toro! Andale! Vamanos! Vamanos! Vamanos! Toro! This fresh kale salad is loaded with greens, super foods, and fresh veggies.
Disgusting, right? Thanks to my new line of Betty's own salad dressings, with 670 calories a serving, you can finally make salad bad for you again, not to mention delicious.
Betty's own Put some white in every bite.
Oh, boy.
I got this letter from my lawyer.
I don't have my glasses.
Could you just read what it says? It says, uh, "City of Los Angeles versus Richard Johnson.
- "You are due to appear in court" - Dang! " to answer for the charges of streaking in public, urinating on city property, liberating zoo animals, and tattooing citizens.
" No! I didn't take off my clothes! Dang! They should have seen what I really did.
All right.
Can't believe that.
Oh, my God.
That's amazing.
Hi.
Do guys have a light? - No, no light.
- You don't smoke? I don't smoke.
I have a baby that smokes.
He does.
No, that's not right.
Are you for reals? Well, why not? I mean, it's better than giving him a little liquor.
You shouldn't be giving liquor or smoke, though.
But he cries if I don't.
I suggest you stop doing it 'cause later in life, it'll affect him.
- Really? - Yes, it will.
If I were you, I would cut it out.
- Okay.
- Please.
Excuse me.
Do you happen to have the time? _ _ Oh, you know what? I think it's really beer o'clock.
You know what I mean? Never know when you're gonna need one.
Whoa! How you doing? Good.
How are you? Okay, so I don't know if we should go Oh, that's so good.
Oh, my God.
- Do you think - So good.
They're so good.
Oh, my God.
This is really embarrassing.
Oh.
I can't do this at home because my wife will kill me.
Oh, God.
She really would.
Nature's wonderful, ain't it? - Ew.
- Just think.
Two people connecting.
I think it's absolutely wonderful.
Oh, God.
- I can't even look.
- I know.
Ew! I'm gonna go to the bathroom.
You know what? Oh.
I'm gonna leave this here.
If you want to watch it, you can watch it.
I'll be right back.
We're okay.
We're good.
Do whatever you want to do with it, okay? Oh.
Boy, do I have to go.
Should we, like, turn it off? Just turn it so you can't see it.
Dude.
Can you imagine if that was your grandfather? Oh, my God.
Doreen from Oklahoma writes, "Betty, my two favorite celebrities are you and Bradley Cooper.
Have you ever met him? What's he like?" Thanks for your letter, Doreen.
Yes, as a matter of fact, I have met Bradley Cooper.
And what's he like? Well, he likes to sleep on the left side of the bed.
- Excuse me.
- Yeah? You've been selected to be our big-check winner.
All you have to do is answer one question.
Who is the Governor of California? Brown? Brown is correct! You just won $25,000.
Wow.
Thank you.
Are you serious? Yes, yes.
Here.
- Will you take a picture with us? - Are you serious? Yes.
Oh, my God.
That's so awesome.
- Okay, smile.
- Wow.
Smile.
Perfect.
One thing.
When is your birthday? March 19, 1995.
January, February Ann, we have a problem.
- Oh, no.
What is it? - She's born in March.
I'm sorry.
I'm so so - Let's find somebody else.
- Wait a second.
Sorry.
_ How you guys doing? Doing good.
How about yourself? You mind if I vent for a second? Sure, man.
You know, it's like my mom, like, she's like totally a space kit.
Like, she's totally OMG mad.
It's, like, come o Aw, geez.
She grounded It's her.
Hello? Mom? No.
No, no, no, no.
I'm on my way home.
Thanks.
Beautiful day, isn't it? I love to bring Brian out here.
He loves coming out here.
Hi, Reatha.
- Hi, Melanie.
- Hi, Brian.
Our boys.
Just like old times.
The four of us.
Do you think the boys want to stay out here and hang out by themselves for a while? We can have a little girl time.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I like that.
Ohh.
We can go get something to eat.
We'll be back in an hour.
- I think there's some food right over here.
- Good.
Oh.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- How are you? - Good.
How are you? Good.
I'm good.
Except I ordered a cab, and I cannot believe how long it's taking.
Did somebody order a cab? I did.
Geez.
LAX, right? Yeah, step on it, pal.
Bye.
Bye, hon.
Thanks.
_ _ - How are you? - Very good.
Better than ever.
Good.
Uh, are you planning to smoke? Why? Well, this is a designated smoking-only zone.
Okay.
Do you have any cigarettes, cigars, pipe? - Not at all.
- Anything to smoke? Not at all.
Well, then I'm gonna have to ask you to move right along, sir.
Really? Wow.
I never heard that.
It's the first time.
Well, rules keep changing.
I'll tell you what.
You look like a nice guy.
You want to stay here and stretch? I'm gonna have to ask you to hang on to this cigar.
Just hold it.
Make believe you're smoking.
Okay, thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
I'm gonna keep my eye on you.
All right.
All right.
It's award season, and "Off Their Tockers" is getting into the game this year by giving out our very own awards.
Richard, you won Best Walker Prank.
And, Ann, you won Best Text Prank.
And Jared You win Best Kiss.
Wait a minute.
He's not part of the cast.
He is now.
You guys are so mean.
Wow.
Wait, that's you in there.