Black Books s03e01 Episode Script

"Dear Bernard, dear Manny.
I told you I'd write.
Cornwall is Well, you've seen the pictures.
It's like the pictures.
Except a lot more boring.
Everybody is at least 300 and they all speak some kind of medieval English, the most important word being 'urrrrrr'.
Can't wait to see you.
Get a bottle open.
Love, Fran.
Urrrrrr.
" Bernard? Manny? - Hello? - Oh, it's you.
Go round the green bin bags.
Then right till you get to the mouldy George Eliot.
Then right.
Forward, go on, forward.
And then it's left at the dead badger.
Lovely to see you.
Mwah.
Mwah.
Bernard, are you OK? Never better.
I've discovered television.
You don't look right.
What's going on with the shop? Where's Manny? Erm, he left.
He left like I always knew he would.
That's what people do when you love, nurture and take care of them.
You mean you sacked him.
There may have been an incident.
Possibly involving a kitchen item and a hand.
Maybe the hand was Manny's and maybe the item was a sandwich toaster and maybe I introduced them to each other.
- So he's gone.
- Oh, no, he still sleeps here.
Burrowed in like the little tick he is.
But he leaves every day.
Every day is another betrayal.
W- W-What do you mean? Come on.
There.
There he is, half lago, half Fu Manchu, all bastard.
Hello, how are you today.
Hello.
Hello.
How are you? Oh, hello, how are you? Are you today hello how? How are you today? Hello.
- I'm fine.
Do you have? - Welcome to Goliath Books.
- I'm looking for - I'll help you.
Aah! How may I help you? - I want - My name is Manny.
- Never mind.
- Hello.
I need a drink.
Manny, could you? Oh.
Bernard, could you get me one? Get it yourself.
I'm missing my programme.
Manny! There's no need to flinch.
You're safe now.
With us, you're a team member.
What are you? - A team member.
- We're glad to have you.
Muffins are for customers.
Now, this is your doo-ti-to-doo card.
Doo-ti-to-doo? This is the most advanced retail software in the world.
You're gonna need a password.
Oh, what about surfking? Hey! Or teammember8.
From this console, you control the shopping environment.
The shutters There's the lights There's the revolving displays The cameras You can order the muffins.
- It does the lot.
- It's fantastic.
Mm.
It also monitors toilet visits and scans your retinas every 80 seconds.
- Why's that? - Just making sure you're still you.
Some might call it invasive, but we think it shows we care.
See you later.
- Oh, Fran.
How was your trip? - Manny, come back to the shop.
I'm not going back.
I like it here.
I've got respect and responsibility.
I've got a doo-ti-to-doo.
I'm a team member.
Bernard was mean and wouldn't say sorry.
I won't go back.
You have to come back, Manny.
Bernard and I need you.
I'm staying here until you do.
Fran, Fran, somebody will be here very soon.
- How may I help you? - She's a friend.
Hey, terrific! A friend of Manny's.
- How may I help you? - I'm just browsing.
Well, we have a really comfortable area over there specially for that.
I wanna browse here.
Oh! Sorry.
Right, well, I'll just go home and unpack and not talk to anyone today, shall I? So A friend.
Yes.
She used to come into the shop to see me and Bernard.
- It was great, we'd - I see.
I took a risk with you, Manny.
Don't eat muffins when I'm developing you.
I took a risk when I gave you a job.
Some would say, "Who is this rudderless hippy? How do I get away from him? "Has he got a hunting knife strapped to his shin?" But I saw through that.
- But you have to work for me, OK? - OK.
- We're your friends now.
- Yes, I know.
- Thank you, Evan.
- OK.
One of our valued younger customers has blocked the toilet with Monster Munch.
Now, I need that toilet back in play.
Let's approach that as a team.
- How can we make that happen? - OK, we could phone for a plumb Go, team! Oh, no, no, no! I'm gonna be late! I'm gonna lose team champion points.
Bernard, I've washed your sheets but haven't dried them.
Can you do it? Breakfast! Breakfast! The beans are under the milk.
- That's it.
You're evicted.
- What? Up with this I will not put.
- Pack and be gone.
- Bernard, no.
Look at you.
Who will look after you? You can't live off the mushrooms in your hair.
I'm fine.
Go on.
Get out.
Go to him.
Go to your fancy man.
I don't need you any more.
Bernard, it doesn't have to be like this.
If you would just apologise You'd come back and work in the shop? - Everything would be normal? - Yes.
You'd cook and clean and surprise me with profiteroles if I took you to the pictures at Christmas? - Yes.
- And all I have to do is say sorry? That's exactly what I'm saying.
I thought so.
Get out! Morning.
Hah! He's bending down now.
He's getting up again.
I knew he'd do that.
- Is this really helping? - Now he's going up that little ladder.
Up he goes, with that little wiggle of his.
The wiggle of Judas.
The Judas boogie.
Well, I think you're both being really selfish.
What about me? What am I supposed to do? I'm a girl and it's horrible in here.
Look at yourself.
How can you live like this? - Don't move.
- What? - Don't move.
- What? Oh, hello, I'm looking for somewhere in the Bloomsbury area overlooking Hyde Park with a good view of the river and a spiral staircase.
My budget? L-Is 100 a week.
Manny! - Do you have a mo for a small chatette? - Fine-a-mundo.
Now, I've been thinking about clothes and what they say about us.
The good thing about here is that we get to wear our own clothes.
- We're not robots.
- No.
Hello, can I help you? Hello, can I help you? Hello, can I help you? - Hello, can I help? - Manny! We love your style.
OK? The shirts, the sandals Heh-heh! It's funky.
But imagine we're all on a football team.
The guy on the wing, he's wearing a crazy shirt.
Nobody knows what team he's on.
Can I pass to him? Don't know.
And look, his sandal has come off on the muddy ground.
Damn it! We've lost five-nil.
So tomorrow, plain pastels, please.
And if you'd be so good, a pair of shoes.
- But we're not playing football.
- Great.
- It's a floor, it's - Good.
So long as we're happy.
- We don't have oranges at half-time.
- Great! Mmm.
Cheers! Cheers.
Cheers.
Manny, hurry up with the wine! Yes, Manny, come on.
Sorry, Bernard, Bernard.
Shall we go to the pub or just stay in? Fran? I have to have somewhere to go.
Bernard really wants to talk to you.
Yes, I do.
And if you won't go, I'm gonna have to live here.
Now, we are going to sort this out, OK? Bernard, I think you have something to say to Manny.
Manny, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I ever let you in here to rob me of my best years before leaving me a burnt-out husk.
Well, that gives us somewhere to work from, don't you think? Manny, you would like to tell Bernard how much you'd like to come back and make it all nice again.
No, wait a minute.
This is all about you, isn't it, Fran? You're being totally selfish.
Why can't you let us have our vicious soul-destroying break-up in peace? Right.
We are in pieces and you only care about having a place to hang around.
- Yeah, thanks.
- Not at all.
- It's never going to be like it was, Fran.
- Never.
I agree.
We agree.
Manny and I are opposed on every point.
- Well put.
- Thank you.
Haven't you got other friends to annoy? Persecute them.
Yeah, yeah.
Society lady.
How come you went to Cornwall on your own? - Yeah, how come? - I've got friends.
Well, go to them.
- I will.
- Don't let us stop you.
- I won't.
- Well, go on then.
Toodle-oo! - Mya-mya.
- Wurrrrr She's Oh, er, listen.
Don't forget to dry your sheets.
Well, I'll be off then, since it's all over between us.
- I'll write.
- I won't read it.
- Well, I'll call.
- I'll hang up.
- I'll come and see you.
- I'll be dead by then.
Listen, it doesn't have to be like this.
If you would just say those two words.
Get out! OK, huddle time, huddle time.
Gather round, guys.
- Great day today, team! - Yes! - Whoo! - OK, OK.
That was a silver star day.
Tomorrow, I want gold.
OK? Selling books is a game.
It has rules.
You need to learn those rules and get serious about them because it's not a game.
OK, home time.
Off you go.
- You coming, Manny? - No, I thought I'd put in an extra hour.
Really get to grips with the doo-ti-to-doo.
Above the call of duty.
One team champion point for you right there, sir.
Yes! Manny, your hair.
Does it ever get in the way at all? - Not really.
- Oh.
- Good morning, Manny.
- Morning, Evan.
Er, just popped in to do my yoga.
I do it every morning, in my yoga bag.
Just running through a few positions.
This is the Worm.
Worm Saluting The Sun.
Er, Anaconda.
Manny I'm a reasonable guy, I'm straight with people.
I expect them to be the same.
If you tell me the truth, I won't get mad.
So tell me, did you sleep here last night? Yes, I did.
I'm really angry now! Not so good.
Not feeling so good.
Coffee and something medicine.
Kill some slugs.
Kapow oven cleaner.
If you can clean an oven, you can clean me.
Aagh! Coffee.
Coffee.
Aha.
That's it.
Ah.
Mm.
Aaah.
When you look at me, Manny, what do you see? - Well - I'll tell you.
You see me and you say, "Hey, there's Evan.
He's a young guy.
"He likes the Stereophonics, he rides a scooter.
"Let's see how far I can push him.
" Well, you've let me down, Manny.
- Please give me one more chance.
- I need a sign.
A sign that you can change.
I need you to do something for me.
- What? - I think you know.
Oh The hair, Manny! It's a wall between you and the customers, between you and me, you and the future! We need you to look like this.
Not the hair.
Please, not the hair! I've had it since I was nine.
It's time.
Oh.
No, no, no How are you doing in there, Manny? We're all rooting for you out here.
Manny.
Manny! Manny! Manny! Bernard, I'm sorry.
It was my fault you toasted my hand.
Will you take me back? Please? Bernard, where are you? - Bernard.
- Manny.
Manny, I don't feel that well.
I Like I've been beaten up underwater.
I can feel bits of my brain falling away like a wet cake.
- Could you help me? - I will, Bernard.
I will.
Bernard, Manny.
I've come to tell you I'm moving to Cornwall to start a new life.
- Yeah, just give us a hand, will you? - OK.
- I was gonna go, you know.
- Yeah, yeah.
Hang in there, Bernard.
Fran, get some hot towels and fluffy water.
Manny! Come here.
Bernard, he wants my hair.
How dare you? Don't you touch a hair on that boy's head.
Have you no respect? He's mine.
Get your own human plaything.
You quartz-brained little cream puff! OK! Well, I tried.
There's no point outreaching to people like you.
In two years you could have been vice deputy sub assistant, but you're not.
You're here, shuffling around on the floor like the worm you are.
Aagh! Aagh! Manny, I'm so sorry that you had to go through that abuse.
We're a little hungry now, so fetch up some wine, would you? Oh, yes, Manny, get something nice.
We're famished.
- OK, what sort of thing would you like? - Don't ask questions, just do it! And clean this place up, it's a disgrace.
Boil my eyebath and polish the stair rods.
Delouse the duvet and tumble-dry our doilies.
And hoover the roof and whistle down the chimneys.