Black-ish (2014) s03e01 Episode Script
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1 Thugger, thugger Dre: I love feeling special Appreciate the love at all times getting the first-class treatment.
Dig, I feel special It's as American as apple pie and baseball -- Well, back-in-the-day baseball before steroids, but not so far back that it was segregated.
You know what? Let's just stick with apple pie -- Delicious.
But, look, it's not just me.
Everybody loves special treatment.
It's that thing that says you're different, you're the best, you deserve shrimp.
So that's why when it came time to plan a family vacation, I knew I wanted to ball out.
Disney World, huh? Nice.
Dre: Mm-hmm.
Oh, no.
Not just Disney World.
Disney World V.
I.
P.
- Ooh.
- Mm.
I'm gonna give my kids the first-class experience I never had.
Boy, I sure would like to take Eustace to Disney World, but I'm not allowed to take him out of state.
Nor anywhere in my car.
It's just how it is.
When are you leaving? Tomorrow morning.
And it's gonna be insane.
All right, everyone.
Call your wives.
Tell them you won't be coming home 'cause you're working late, only this time, it'll be true.
What's going on? It's a real crisis.
All hands on deck for the next two weeks.
Just got an e-mail from Microsoft.
They hate the direction we're headed in.
What? No, can't that wait? [ Chuckles .]
Subject line -- "We cannot wait.
" Look, I can't do it.
I'm going on vacation tomorrow, man.
I need this.
I've been working hard.
Are you kidding me? None of you have done [bleep.]
around here since Pokémon Go came out.
Ohh! Don't act innocent.
No.
It's exercise.
I can't do it.
- Excuse me.
- You are running point on this.
Yes, I am, and -- Charlie can do it.
Whe-- hm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's right, I -- I can do that.
Yeah.
You'll be great, Charlie.
Look, and if you have any questions, just call me.
[ Chuckles .]
Are you sure you can handle this? It is around-the-clock responsibility.
I've been living here for two months anyway.
They're tenting my apartment for ghosts.
Weird things are happening.
All my shoelaces are missing and all my forks are flat.
So I haven't been back since.
[ Chuckles .]
Eustace! What? God sakes.
So just like that, the Johnsons were off on our special trip.
I'm going to Disney World.
Nothing can stop me, I'm all the way up Oh, all the way up Mnh.
Got it.
It started with a luxurious ride to the airport.
[ Engine starts .]
Then we all enjoyed a first-class flight.
Me especially.
And then we arrived at Disney World ready to get turnt on our very special V.
I.
P.
vacation at the most magical place on earth.
I'm all the way up Guys, we are here, and it's a dream! Crowds and 100% humidity.
Ain't like no dream I ever had.
Oh, my God! You know what? You didn't have to come.
Yes, I did.
I rented your place on Airbnb, and I'm making a killing, too.
Hey, guys.
Guys, what ride are we gonna ride first? I think the faster, the better.
I want something that's gonna give me that same rush I feel when I drink after a random co-worker.
I can't wait to do Space Mountain.
Uh, actually, friend, you're gonna have to wait.
What do you mean? Space Mountain has a height requirement.
Here's a map I pre-marked.
It's for someone with your humiliating shortness.
Small World? Dumbo? I don't want to do baby rides.
Then get ready to enjoy 43 square miles of restaurants and bathrooms.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Laughter .]
We're going there! Let's go do it! Hello, Johnson family! - Oh, hey.
- Oh, hey.
I'm Cody, and you better be ready to have a magical day! - Better be? - Earl, Earl, get my Vaseline.
- Who is this? - Mama, mama, mama, mama.
- Talking about "better be"? - Mama.
This is Cody.
He's our V.
I.
P.
tour guide, all right? We bought him.
Oh, well, you didn't actually buy me.
I'm an employee.
Okay, well, do you really want to get mollywhopped by my mama? All right, he's gonna take us around because we are special V.
I.
P.
s, and he is the best.
Oh, I assure you you are in great hands.
In fact, before I joined the Disney family, I was a place kicker for an arena football team.
But that is a life I left behind.
- Hm.
- Okay.
Okay! So, these are your custom magic bands.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Oh.
- All right.
And because you are guests at the Animal Kingdom Lodge, these will conveniently charge your purchases.
- Yay! - Special.
Babe, babe.
- Hm.
- I like that.
I wish you would! P-Pops.
Pops, what's wrong, man? Wait, you're mad that we're doing it right? What the hell you talking about, boy? We did it right when I took you to Disneyland.
Something wrong with your tuna, baby? Pops, can I have one of those? When you get a job, yeah.
- Well, I got a job now.
- And I have this.
This is linked to his credit card, yes? Yes.
Come on, Ruby, let's go make it rain at Epcot.
- Oh, my.
- All right.
Well, we're going this way! - Let's go.
- All right.
Excuse me.
V.
I.
P.
coming through! V.
I.
P.
coming through! So, we don't have to wait in that line? Hah! Nope.
But be gracious, because we're not better than anybody else.
Hell if we're not.
I paid a lot of money for us to be special.
[ Cellphone rings .]
You are special, honey -- very.
Hey, what's up? Nothin' much.
Just, you know, handling some B.
I.
on the Microsoft account.
[ Chuckles .]
Quick question.
Uh, asking for a friend, all right? Uh, who is Microsoft? Hey, Charlie, I'm gonna have to call you back, man.
Right now you're distracting me from feeling superior to the general-admission people I'm passing.
No, no, no, no, my friend's back is against the wall, and you got to help him, Dre.
Come on, man -- p-- Marshawn! Marshawn Lynch! Oh, not him, man, not him.
But thank you.
[ Chuckles .]
That guy thought you were Marshawn Lynch, Dad.
Eh, it's just a flattering form of racism, son.
Now, anyone get motion sickness? Anyone pregnant? - Oh, oh, hey, hey.
- Yes, I am actually pregnant.
[ Gasps .]
That's awesome, congratulations.
Thank you.
But unfortunately, mama bear, you're gonna have to sit this ride out because of your cub in the oven.
Oh.
Okay, well, there's a lot of other rides I can ride, right? Oh, absolutely.
Anything that doesn't have a sharp tilt, turn, loop, sudden drop, or sudden stop.
[ Chuckles .]
Wow, bae, that's a lot you can't do.
I know.
Kind of I wish I didn't pay extra for you now.
Wha-- Single rider! - Dre.
Bow wasn't going to ruin our trip the way the baby ruined hers.
We were going to get down to the very important business of being very important people.
My kids, they started off slow.
Excuse us.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Don't mind us.
We're with the guide.
We're with Cody.
What are you apologizing for? You're V.
I.
P.
, boy.
Own this.
But eventually, they started to get the hang of it.
Don't hate! V.
I.
P.
coming through! It's natural to feel jealous.
Hey, we'll let you know how it is.
Don't make eye contact with me.
My God, whose kids are those? They're mine! You all have fun! Cody.
See you later! [ All chanting "V.
I.
P.
!" .]
And I wouldn't last these shows So I am headed home Oh, so that's how it is.
Look here.
[ Scoffs .]
Waiter, we'd like to buy a round for every sunburnt person wearing a T-shirt courtesy of our ungrateful son.
[ Laughs .]
[ All cheering .]
Boy don't even realize how much we had to sacrifice to pay for Disneyland.
[ Dog barks in distance .]
[ Siren wails in distance .]
Earl! That was my car! I bought them tickets.
Opened up 17 Christmas cards at the post office to get that money.
Boy never even thanked us.
Ungrateful child.
This is the worst ever.
Well, now it is.
[ Sighs .]
Every ride I like is off limits for me.
I should've just stayed home.
I mean, I could've gotten seven days alone in my house, no kids, no husband.
No you.
I can see how that would be appealing.
[ Flute plays .]
You know I don't understand all the hype.
Can't do anything here that you can't do at the Chuck E.
Cheese in Torrance.
Ooh, Black Jesus, if there was ever a time to set myself on fire.
Or no fire, and we can just go back to the hotel.
I want to go back to the hotel.
That's the coward's way out.
But okay.
Waiter! One Tom Collins to go! You know, I don't see any other V.
I.
P.
guides out here.
Are these people not doing V.
I.
P.
? They're not.
I saw that kid in the regular line -- twice.
Oh, they're definitely not.
That woman's wearing Bugle Boy jeans.
Hm.
Cody.
Let me holler at you for a second, playboy.
I like you.
Oh.
The kids like you.
And I think you're a great guy, but we traveled clear across the country to have the most special week of our lives.
And if you think you're gonna put us with non-V.
I.
P.
people, ooh, I'm not the one, Cody.
Well -- I'm not the one, Cody.
Hm.
Okay? Now, what is the most popular ride here? And think good and hard before you answer.
Frozen Ever After at Epcot.
Oh, okay, take us the most shaded route.
[ Chuckles .]
Johnsons! We out! Let's roll.
Lead the way, Cody.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
Well, where's the damn exit? Hey, is this the line to get out of here? No, it's the line - for Soarin' Around the World.
Well, does it soar back to my hotel? [ Chuckles .]
No, but it's air-conditioned.
- Ooh.
- Ooh, air! - Let's go.
- All right.
All right.
- Come on in.
- Ooh.
Yeah, I feel like I'm flying, but I know I'm not.
Soarin' Around the World? Psht! [ Chuckles .]
More like Snorin' Around the World.
[ Scoffs .]
Whole wide, amazing world.
Ruby: It's terrible! Just a lifelike illusion filled with majesty and sensory delight.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, yeah.
[ People gasping .]
Oh, we gonna hit the wall, we gonna hit the wall! - What?! - We gonna hit the wall! Well, I knew we wasn't gonna hit it.
Oh, Earl.
Dre: Here we go! Here we go! Seven Dwarfs Mine Train -- this is good, Jack.
You can get a sneak peek of jobs available to someone of your height.
[ Screams .]
My glasses! I'm blind! Thank you, Disney gods! - Whoo! - Yeah! Wow, guys, what do you say?! - It was so much fun.
- Whoo! - Yeah! - Why'd we stop? [ Elephant trumpets .]
- Flamingos.
- Whoa, flamingos.
Oh, my gosh.
Is that a panda? This is awesome.
You should see this, Diane.
I see it just fine.
You're looking directly into the sun.
Oh, my stars.
Stop! Stop the truck! - Stop! - What? What? What? Everybody, look over there.
[ All gasping .]
- Oh, my God.
- What is it? [ Gasps .]
Dear God, somebody talk to me! Sweet Black Jesus, this is beautiful.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been on this ride 10,000 times.
I -- I have a PhD in animal behavior.
I have spent two days in the pouch of an Australian kangaroo, and I have [inhales.]
- never seen something like this.
Describe it to me! There's only one word for this -- Indescribable.
- Yes.
- What? It's like seeing the face of God.
This is not only the circle of life.
This is the meaning of life.
- Yes.
- What? Well, take a picture.
Shoot a video! No, no.
Let's use our mind cameras.
Cody: Well said.
What? [ Exhales sharply .]
See, that is why we did V.
I.
P.
Now, had we stood in the regular line, we would have missed that.
Uh, some of us did miss it.
It was Diane.
Okay, hey.
Hey, Cody.
So, what's next? For you? I'm not sure.
Your time with me is up.
Uh Uh, but I bought you.
Oh, that word again.
You didn't actually buy me.
You bought my services for seven hours, and I've had a great time.
I like you, and I like your kids, but now it's time for me to go back to H.
Q.
and change out of my socks and be with the Gonzalez family.
Okay.
- But please know - you've got a friend in me.
Okay, Cody, so -- You've got a friend in me.
- But, Cody -- - Dre.
You got a friend in me.
Hm? Bye.
[ Chuckles .]
Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye? - Wait, what? - Is this a joke? Cody? I told you I am not the one! [ Voice breaking .]
I am not the one! We're in gen-pop? Nooooooooooo! [ Crying .]
Okay, look, guys.
I know losing V.
I.
P.
is not great, but, hey, look.
We're still at Disney World.
And this line is only 25 minutes.
- [ Sighs .]
- 25 minutes? Mm-hmm.
[ Gasping .]
No.
Fix this! Fix this now! I can't see how far we've fallen, - but I can feel it.
- [ Stomping .]
So I -- I am headed home Okay, let's do this.
Uh M-Microsoft.
'Cause that's who you are.
[ Chuckles .]
Uh Uh, here at Stevens & Lido, there's a little exercise we do.
Uh, let's pretend as if I have absolutely no idea who you are, what you do, or anything about your company.
Tell me what you want me to do, all right? Step by step.
[ Chuckles .]
Talk to me like a man who's laid everything on the line for a job he's completely unqualified for.
[ Sighs .]
That was a manipulative ride back there.
Yeah, playing with our emotions.
Heh, making us feel more alive than we've ever felt and whatnot.
Can't wait to get out of here.
Hey, should we get in that exit line over there? No, that exit line looks way too rough for a pregnant lady.
Oh, I think we should get in that exit line.
Looks a lot gentler.
Or maybe get in that stupid Dumbo exit line over there.
Maybe sneak out above the clouds on that adorable elephant.
Yeah, yeah, if you think that's the fastest way for us to get of here, come on, let's go.
That's the fastest way.
I'm right behind you.
Most people die climbing Everest.
We're gonna die waiting to ride it.
I hate my life right now.
I hate my dad right now.
Uh Are you kidding me? Huh? You wait in one line, and you have a meltdown? You had an incredible day! You got to ride like 20 rides in 10 minutes! You got to go ahead of Green Day.
Did you see puss on Tré Cool? Huh? And you know what's worse? Not one person has even said thank you.
Gee, thanks, Dad.
Shut up! Not sincere.
You monsters are dead to me! [ People gasp .]
Okay, maybe that was the wrong choice of words, since I am your father, but I hate you.
[ Gasps .]
Excuse me.
Excuse me, sorry.
I'm sorry.
Let me through here.
I'm sorry.
Oh, yes! I'm still mad at you! [ People gasp .]
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Sir.
Hm? Yes.
Sir, we're lost.
We keep looking for the exits, and instead, we keep finding gift shops.
Only reason I'm wearing this hat is 'cause my grandkids made me get it and you know, the ears protect my neck.
[ Chuckles .]
And this tiara, I hate how it takes 25 years off my real age.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
[ Chuckling .]
I hate that.
Well, some of the exits - are gonna be right over here.
- Oh, look, guys.
There's a real exit right -- right there.
[ Marching band plays .]
Yep, that's one of them.
Oh, no.
Parade's coming through.
Announcer: And now we invite you to relax -- Well, you folks can cross.
There's still time.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, she's pregnant.
Yeah.
And we're elderly.
Mm.
So, uh, you know, we'll just sit here and suffer while this magnificent parade goes by.
I don't know how this day could get any worse.
I don't either.
It's horrible! So hot.
Be our guest, be our guest Put our service to the test Tie your napkin 'round your neck, chérie, and we'll provide the rest Soup du jour, hot hors d'oeuvres Why, we only live to serve Try the gray stuff, it's delicious Don't believe me, ask the dishes Go on, unfold your menu Take a glance and then you'll Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest [ Laughter .]
[ People cheering .]
[ Scoffs .]
Oh, look, Junior.
There's another super cool guy.
Oh, my God! A Jedi girl! She's my Rey.
You should talk to her.
This could actually be something.
I mean, it won't, but it could be.
It won't, just so you know.
Okay, I've got some great ice breakers.
Check this out.
[ Clears throat .]
Do you have a quarter? I told my mom I'd call her as soon as I fell in love.
I would use the quarter on a thing called a pay phone.
I've never had a girlfriend, but that seems very wrong.
Fine.
You know what? I'll just go with "Hi.
" How hard's "Hi"? Hi.
[ Higher-pitched .]
Hi.
Hi! [ High-pitched .]
Hellooooo! Hey.
Are you allowed to eat that? Hope so.
It's my second one.
Why are you wearing Mickey hands? Oh, no big deal.
I was in a parade with your parents, who I had the best day ever with! Oh.
Never tell Ruby.
Well, I had the worst day ever with your spoiled-ass kids.
[ Trash can lid thuds .]
You should've seen them, Bow.
The second we lost V.
I.
P.
status, they turned into ungrateful monsters.
Huh.
Well, you know what? They were probably just following your lead.
Bow, I was just trying to make Disney World extra special.
Dre, you stepped over a baby in stroller to get on a ride.
Okay.
Okay, Bow.
All right.
I probably did mess it up for everybody.
Maybe not for everybody.
Look over there, babe.
Look.
[ Laughter .]
Laughing.
Probably at me.
[ Chuckles .]
Dre, not everything is about you.
[ Scoffs .]
Yes, it is.
Okay, you know what? Actually, in some weird way, it's probably a good thing that you threw a tantrum and abandoned them, 'cause look.
It gave them the space to actually enjoy each other.
Hm.
Yeah, you're right.
I really did save the day.
[ Sighs .]
Yeah, Dre, you're a hero.
Yes, I am.
Junior got a girl's number.
I did.
But he lost it on the ride.
I did.
All right, come on, tell me about it.
Sweetheart, where are your glasses? As it turned out, we didn't need to have V.
I.
P.
status to have a special experience.
- Nice! - Eat that! [ People gasping, murmuring .]
Oh, my gosh.
When you wish upon a star [ All cheering .]
Makes no difference who you are - Anything your heart desires - Awesome! - Will come to you - Wow! Beautiful, huh? Yeah, son, it is.
If your heart is in your dream You know what would go good with this? No.
What? No request is too extreme Tuna sandwich.
[ Both laugh .]
When you wish upon a star Yeah, you might be right about that.
As dreamers do I wish you would.
[ Both laugh .]
All right, guys.
I just got to say that was the best trip I've ever been on.
You know, my favorite part -- [ Doors closing .]
[ Sighs .]
I truly am alone in this life.
Why the long face? Charlie, why are you in my house? I've always wanted to stay here.
Once it came up on Airbnb, I knew I had to get it.
It's the only house on the block that eluded me.
What? Left your main man flapping in the breeze, huh? Should've just told me Microsoft was a computer company.
Uh So, you were in my house alone all week? Yeah.
[ Gasps .]
Eustace! - Mom - Shh, Daddy's working.
Dig, I feel special It's as American as apple pie and baseball -- Well, back-in-the-day baseball before steroids, but not so far back that it was segregated.
You know what? Let's just stick with apple pie -- Delicious.
But, look, it's not just me.
Everybody loves special treatment.
It's that thing that says you're different, you're the best, you deserve shrimp.
So that's why when it came time to plan a family vacation, I knew I wanted to ball out.
Disney World, huh? Nice.
Dre: Mm-hmm.
Oh, no.
Not just Disney World.
Disney World V.
I.
P.
- Ooh.
- Mm.
I'm gonna give my kids the first-class experience I never had.
Boy, I sure would like to take Eustace to Disney World, but I'm not allowed to take him out of state.
Nor anywhere in my car.
It's just how it is.
When are you leaving? Tomorrow morning.
And it's gonna be insane.
All right, everyone.
Call your wives.
Tell them you won't be coming home 'cause you're working late, only this time, it'll be true.
What's going on? It's a real crisis.
All hands on deck for the next two weeks.
Just got an e-mail from Microsoft.
They hate the direction we're headed in.
What? No, can't that wait? [ Chuckles .]
Subject line -- "We cannot wait.
" Look, I can't do it.
I'm going on vacation tomorrow, man.
I need this.
I've been working hard.
Are you kidding me? None of you have done [bleep.]
around here since Pokémon Go came out.
Ohh! Don't act innocent.
No.
It's exercise.
I can't do it.
- Excuse me.
- You are running point on this.
Yes, I am, and -- Charlie can do it.
Whe-- hm.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's right, I -- I can do that.
Yeah.
You'll be great, Charlie.
Look, and if you have any questions, just call me.
[ Chuckles .]
Are you sure you can handle this? It is around-the-clock responsibility.
I've been living here for two months anyway.
They're tenting my apartment for ghosts.
Weird things are happening.
All my shoelaces are missing and all my forks are flat.
So I haven't been back since.
[ Chuckles .]
Eustace! What? God sakes.
So just like that, the Johnsons were off on our special trip.
I'm going to Disney World.
Nothing can stop me, I'm all the way up Oh, all the way up Mnh.
Got it.
It started with a luxurious ride to the airport.
[ Engine starts .]
Then we all enjoyed a first-class flight.
Me especially.
And then we arrived at Disney World ready to get turnt on our very special V.
I.
P.
vacation at the most magical place on earth.
I'm all the way up Guys, we are here, and it's a dream! Crowds and 100% humidity.
Ain't like no dream I ever had.
Oh, my God! You know what? You didn't have to come.
Yes, I did.
I rented your place on Airbnb, and I'm making a killing, too.
Hey, guys.
Guys, what ride are we gonna ride first? I think the faster, the better.
I want something that's gonna give me that same rush I feel when I drink after a random co-worker.
I can't wait to do Space Mountain.
Uh, actually, friend, you're gonna have to wait.
What do you mean? Space Mountain has a height requirement.
Here's a map I pre-marked.
It's for someone with your humiliating shortness.
Small World? Dumbo? I don't want to do baby rides.
Then get ready to enjoy 43 square miles of restaurants and bathrooms.
[ Chuckles .]
[ Laughter .]
We're going there! Let's go do it! Hello, Johnson family! - Oh, hey.
- Oh, hey.
I'm Cody, and you better be ready to have a magical day! - Better be? - Earl, Earl, get my Vaseline.
- Who is this? - Mama, mama, mama, mama.
- Talking about "better be"? - Mama.
This is Cody.
He's our V.
I.
P.
tour guide, all right? We bought him.
Oh, well, you didn't actually buy me.
I'm an employee.
Okay, well, do you really want to get mollywhopped by my mama? All right, he's gonna take us around because we are special V.
I.
P.
s, and he is the best.
Oh, I assure you you are in great hands.
In fact, before I joined the Disney family, I was a place kicker for an arena football team.
But that is a life I left behind.
- Hm.
- Okay.
Okay! So, these are your custom magic bands.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Oh.
- All right.
And because you are guests at the Animal Kingdom Lodge, these will conveniently charge your purchases.
- Yay! - Special.
Babe, babe.
- Hm.
- I like that.
I wish you would! P-Pops.
Pops, what's wrong, man? Wait, you're mad that we're doing it right? What the hell you talking about, boy? We did it right when I took you to Disneyland.
Something wrong with your tuna, baby? Pops, can I have one of those? When you get a job, yeah.
- Well, I got a job now.
- And I have this.
This is linked to his credit card, yes? Yes.
Come on, Ruby, let's go make it rain at Epcot.
- Oh, my.
- All right.
Well, we're going this way! - Let's go.
- All right.
Excuse me.
V.
I.
P.
coming through! V.
I.
P.
coming through! So, we don't have to wait in that line? Hah! Nope.
But be gracious, because we're not better than anybody else.
Hell if we're not.
I paid a lot of money for us to be special.
[ Cellphone rings .]
You are special, honey -- very.
Hey, what's up? Nothin' much.
Just, you know, handling some B.
I.
on the Microsoft account.
[ Chuckles .]
Quick question.
Uh, asking for a friend, all right? Uh, who is Microsoft? Hey, Charlie, I'm gonna have to call you back, man.
Right now you're distracting me from feeling superior to the general-admission people I'm passing.
No, no, no, no, my friend's back is against the wall, and you got to help him, Dre.
Come on, man -- p-- Marshawn! Marshawn Lynch! Oh, not him, man, not him.
But thank you.
[ Chuckles .]
That guy thought you were Marshawn Lynch, Dad.
Eh, it's just a flattering form of racism, son.
Now, anyone get motion sickness? Anyone pregnant? - Oh, oh, hey, hey.
- Yes, I am actually pregnant.
[ Gasps .]
That's awesome, congratulations.
Thank you.
But unfortunately, mama bear, you're gonna have to sit this ride out because of your cub in the oven.
Oh.
Okay, well, there's a lot of other rides I can ride, right? Oh, absolutely.
Anything that doesn't have a sharp tilt, turn, loop, sudden drop, or sudden stop.
[ Chuckles .]
Wow, bae, that's a lot you can't do.
I know.
Kind of I wish I didn't pay extra for you now.
Wha-- Single rider! - Dre.
Bow wasn't going to ruin our trip the way the baby ruined hers.
We were going to get down to the very important business of being very important people.
My kids, they started off slow.
Excuse us.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Don't mind us.
We're with the guide.
We're with Cody.
What are you apologizing for? You're V.
I.
P.
, boy.
Own this.
But eventually, they started to get the hang of it.
Don't hate! V.
I.
P.
coming through! It's natural to feel jealous.
Hey, we'll let you know how it is.
Don't make eye contact with me.
My God, whose kids are those? They're mine! You all have fun! Cody.
See you later! [ All chanting "V.
I.
P.
!" .]
And I wouldn't last these shows So I am headed home Oh, so that's how it is.
Look here.
[ Scoffs .]
Waiter, we'd like to buy a round for every sunburnt person wearing a T-shirt courtesy of our ungrateful son.
[ Laughs .]
[ All cheering .]
Boy don't even realize how much we had to sacrifice to pay for Disneyland.
[ Dog barks in distance .]
[ Siren wails in distance .]
Earl! That was my car! I bought them tickets.
Opened up 17 Christmas cards at the post office to get that money.
Boy never even thanked us.
Ungrateful child.
This is the worst ever.
Well, now it is.
[ Sighs .]
Every ride I like is off limits for me.
I should've just stayed home.
I mean, I could've gotten seven days alone in my house, no kids, no husband.
No you.
I can see how that would be appealing.
[ Flute plays .]
You know I don't understand all the hype.
Can't do anything here that you can't do at the Chuck E.
Cheese in Torrance.
Ooh, Black Jesus, if there was ever a time to set myself on fire.
Or no fire, and we can just go back to the hotel.
I want to go back to the hotel.
That's the coward's way out.
But okay.
Waiter! One Tom Collins to go! You know, I don't see any other V.
I.
P.
guides out here.
Are these people not doing V.
I.
P.
? They're not.
I saw that kid in the regular line -- twice.
Oh, they're definitely not.
That woman's wearing Bugle Boy jeans.
Hm.
Cody.
Let me holler at you for a second, playboy.
I like you.
Oh.
The kids like you.
And I think you're a great guy, but we traveled clear across the country to have the most special week of our lives.
And if you think you're gonna put us with non-V.
I.
P.
people, ooh, I'm not the one, Cody.
Well -- I'm not the one, Cody.
Hm.
Okay? Now, what is the most popular ride here? And think good and hard before you answer.
Frozen Ever After at Epcot.
Oh, okay, take us the most shaded route.
[ Chuckles .]
Johnsons! We out! Let's roll.
Lead the way, Cody.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
Well, where's the damn exit? Hey, is this the line to get out of here? No, it's the line - for Soarin' Around the World.
Well, does it soar back to my hotel? [ Chuckles .]
No, but it's air-conditioned.
- Ooh.
- Ooh, air! - Let's go.
- All right.
All right.
- Come on in.
- Ooh.
Yeah, I feel like I'm flying, but I know I'm not.
Soarin' Around the World? Psht! [ Chuckles .]
More like Snorin' Around the World.
[ Scoffs .]
Whole wide, amazing world.
Ruby: It's terrible! Just a lifelike illusion filled with majesty and sensory delight.
[ Chuckles .]
Oh, yeah.
[ People gasping .]
Oh, we gonna hit the wall, we gonna hit the wall! - What?! - We gonna hit the wall! Well, I knew we wasn't gonna hit it.
Oh, Earl.
Dre: Here we go! Here we go! Seven Dwarfs Mine Train -- this is good, Jack.
You can get a sneak peek of jobs available to someone of your height.
[ Screams .]
My glasses! I'm blind! Thank you, Disney gods! - Whoo! - Yeah! Wow, guys, what do you say?! - It was so much fun.
- Whoo! - Yeah! - Why'd we stop? [ Elephant trumpets .]
- Flamingos.
- Whoa, flamingos.
Oh, my gosh.
Is that a panda? This is awesome.
You should see this, Diane.
I see it just fine.
You're looking directly into the sun.
Oh, my stars.
Stop! Stop the truck! - Stop! - What? What? What? Everybody, look over there.
[ All gasping .]
- Oh, my God.
- What is it? [ Gasps .]
Dear God, somebody talk to me! Sweet Black Jesus, this is beautiful.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been on this ride 10,000 times.
I -- I have a PhD in animal behavior.
I have spent two days in the pouch of an Australian kangaroo, and I have [inhales.]
- never seen something like this.
Describe it to me! There's only one word for this -- Indescribable.
- Yes.
- What? It's like seeing the face of God.
This is not only the circle of life.
This is the meaning of life.
- Yes.
- What? Well, take a picture.
Shoot a video! No, no.
Let's use our mind cameras.
Cody: Well said.
What? [ Exhales sharply .]
See, that is why we did V.
I.
P.
Now, had we stood in the regular line, we would have missed that.
Uh, some of us did miss it.
It was Diane.
Okay, hey.
Hey, Cody.
So, what's next? For you? I'm not sure.
Your time with me is up.
Uh Uh, but I bought you.
Oh, that word again.
You didn't actually buy me.
You bought my services for seven hours, and I've had a great time.
I like you, and I like your kids, but now it's time for me to go back to H.
Q.
and change out of my socks and be with the Gonzalez family.
Okay.
- But please know - you've got a friend in me.
Okay, Cody, so -- You've got a friend in me.
- But, Cody -- - Dre.
You got a friend in me.
Hm? Bye.
[ Chuckles .]
Bye.
- Bye.
- Bye? - Wait, what? - Is this a joke? Cody? I told you I am not the one! [ Voice breaking .]
I am not the one! We're in gen-pop? Nooooooooooo! [ Crying .]
Okay, look, guys.
I know losing V.
I.
P.
is not great, but, hey, look.
We're still at Disney World.
And this line is only 25 minutes.
- [ Sighs .]
- 25 minutes? Mm-hmm.
[ Gasping .]
No.
Fix this! Fix this now! I can't see how far we've fallen, - but I can feel it.
- [ Stomping .]
So I -- I am headed home Okay, let's do this.
Uh M-Microsoft.
'Cause that's who you are.
[ Chuckles .]
Uh Uh, here at Stevens & Lido, there's a little exercise we do.
Uh, let's pretend as if I have absolutely no idea who you are, what you do, or anything about your company.
Tell me what you want me to do, all right? Step by step.
[ Chuckles .]
Talk to me like a man who's laid everything on the line for a job he's completely unqualified for.
[ Sighs .]
That was a manipulative ride back there.
Yeah, playing with our emotions.
Heh, making us feel more alive than we've ever felt and whatnot.
Can't wait to get out of here.
Hey, should we get in that exit line over there? No, that exit line looks way too rough for a pregnant lady.
Oh, I think we should get in that exit line.
Looks a lot gentler.
Or maybe get in that stupid Dumbo exit line over there.
Maybe sneak out above the clouds on that adorable elephant.
Yeah, yeah, if you think that's the fastest way for us to get of here, come on, let's go.
That's the fastest way.
I'm right behind you.
Most people die climbing Everest.
We're gonna die waiting to ride it.
I hate my life right now.
I hate my dad right now.
Uh Are you kidding me? Huh? You wait in one line, and you have a meltdown? You had an incredible day! You got to ride like 20 rides in 10 minutes! You got to go ahead of Green Day.
Did you see puss on Tré Cool? Huh? And you know what's worse? Not one person has even said thank you.
Gee, thanks, Dad.
Shut up! Not sincere.
You monsters are dead to me! [ People gasp .]
Okay, maybe that was the wrong choice of words, since I am your father, but I hate you.
[ Gasps .]
Excuse me.
Excuse me, sorry.
I'm sorry.
Let me through here.
I'm sorry.
Oh, yes! I'm still mad at you! [ People gasp .]
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Sir.
Hm? Yes.
Sir, we're lost.
We keep looking for the exits, and instead, we keep finding gift shops.
Only reason I'm wearing this hat is 'cause my grandkids made me get it and you know, the ears protect my neck.
[ Chuckles .]
And this tiara, I hate how it takes 25 years off my real age.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
[ Chuckling .]
I hate that.
Well, some of the exits - are gonna be right over here.
- Oh, look, guys.
There's a real exit right -- right there.
[ Marching band plays .]
Yep, that's one of them.
Oh, no.
Parade's coming through.
Announcer: And now we invite you to relax -- Well, you folks can cross.
There's still time.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no, she's pregnant.
Yeah.
And we're elderly.
Mm.
So, uh, you know, we'll just sit here and suffer while this magnificent parade goes by.
I don't know how this day could get any worse.
I don't either.
It's horrible! So hot.
Be our guest, be our guest Put our service to the test Tie your napkin 'round your neck, chérie, and we'll provide the rest Soup du jour, hot hors d'oeuvres Why, we only live to serve Try the gray stuff, it's delicious Don't believe me, ask the dishes Go on, unfold your menu Take a glance and then you'll Be our guest, be our guest, be our guest [ Laughter .]
[ People cheering .]
[ Scoffs .]
Oh, look, Junior.
There's another super cool guy.
Oh, my God! A Jedi girl! She's my Rey.
You should talk to her.
This could actually be something.
I mean, it won't, but it could be.
It won't, just so you know.
Okay, I've got some great ice breakers.
Check this out.
[ Clears throat .]
Do you have a quarter? I told my mom I'd call her as soon as I fell in love.
I would use the quarter on a thing called a pay phone.
I've never had a girlfriend, but that seems very wrong.
Fine.
You know what? I'll just go with "Hi.
" How hard's "Hi"? Hi.
[ Higher-pitched .]
Hi.
Hi! [ High-pitched .]
Hellooooo! Hey.
Are you allowed to eat that? Hope so.
It's my second one.
Why are you wearing Mickey hands? Oh, no big deal.
I was in a parade with your parents, who I had the best day ever with! Oh.
Never tell Ruby.
Well, I had the worst day ever with your spoiled-ass kids.
[ Trash can lid thuds .]
You should've seen them, Bow.
The second we lost V.
I.
P.
status, they turned into ungrateful monsters.
Huh.
Well, you know what? They were probably just following your lead.
Bow, I was just trying to make Disney World extra special.
Dre, you stepped over a baby in stroller to get on a ride.
Okay.
Okay, Bow.
All right.
I probably did mess it up for everybody.
Maybe not for everybody.
Look over there, babe.
Look.
[ Laughter .]
Laughing.
Probably at me.
[ Chuckles .]
Dre, not everything is about you.
[ Scoffs .]
Yes, it is.
Okay, you know what? Actually, in some weird way, it's probably a good thing that you threw a tantrum and abandoned them, 'cause look.
It gave them the space to actually enjoy each other.
Hm.
Yeah, you're right.
I really did save the day.
[ Sighs .]
Yeah, Dre, you're a hero.
Yes, I am.
Junior got a girl's number.
I did.
But he lost it on the ride.
I did.
All right, come on, tell me about it.
Sweetheart, where are your glasses? As it turned out, we didn't need to have V.
I.
P.
status to have a special experience.
- Nice! - Eat that! [ People gasping, murmuring .]
Oh, my gosh.
When you wish upon a star [ All cheering .]
Makes no difference who you are - Anything your heart desires - Awesome! - Will come to you - Wow! Beautiful, huh? Yeah, son, it is.
If your heart is in your dream You know what would go good with this? No.
What? No request is too extreme Tuna sandwich.
[ Both laugh .]
When you wish upon a star Yeah, you might be right about that.
As dreamers do I wish you would.
[ Both laugh .]
All right, guys.
I just got to say that was the best trip I've ever been on.
You know, my favorite part -- [ Doors closing .]
[ Sighs .]
I truly am alone in this life.
Why the long face? Charlie, why are you in my house? I've always wanted to stay here.
Once it came up on Airbnb, I knew I had to get it.
It's the only house on the block that eluded me.
What? Left your main man flapping in the breeze, huh? Should've just told me Microsoft was a computer company.
Uh So, you were in my house alone all week? Yeah.
[ Gasps .]
Eustace! - Mom - Shh, Daddy's working.