Bojack Horseman (2014) s03e01 Episode Script

1 (BOJACK) It's a dream come true.
(WOMAN) You've been trying to get this movie made for 20 years.
Did you ever think you'd be sitting here, talking about Secretariat? Sitting here? In this hotel room? (CLEARS THROAT) It's a dream come true.
What's it like to play Secretariat? Dream come true.
Playing Secretariat, what was that like? Dream come true.
(WOMAN) How long you in New York for? Just a couple days of fun interviews, then it's off to Chicago for more fun interviews, and then, if I don't blow my brains out, I get to go back to L.
A.
Darling, you're doing marvelously, I am so proud of you.
If I could make one slight adjustment? Maybe fewer jokes about how these interviews - make you want to blow your brains out? - Right.
Sorry.
I am so thrilled to be here, talking with, uh -Yahoo Finland.
-Yahoo Finland.
- Are you Finnish? - No, we are just getting started.
Walked right into that one.
What would an Oscar nomination mean for Mr.
BoJack Horseman? Any award recognition is just gravy.
The real joy is to sit in this hotel room all day, answering the same questions over and over again.
Great answers, you're divine.
I'm in love with you.
One small adjustment.
I don't think sarcasm is going to read.
Just write a script for me, so I don't have to think for myself.
Honey, I would shove my hand up your ass and control your mouth like a Muppet if it would win you an Oscar.
What do I know? I'm just the publicist you hired to help win you an Oscar.
(WOMAN) What's it like to play Seabiscuit? I don't know.
You'd have to ask Tobey Maguire.
(MAN) Your last attempt at a comeback was The BoJack Horseman Show.
Pass.
(MAN 2) People still see you as the guy from that sucky show from the '90s.
Horsin' Around was not a sucky show.
- Yeah, but it was.
- It lasted nine seasons.
Its whole purpose was for people to watch it so the network could sell ad time, so the show could make more money than it cost to produce.
It did that well.
It was a good show.
- Yes, but it sucked.
- It didn't suck! Great job today.
It could not have gone better.
My only note would be stop defending Horsin' Around.
Why? Millions of people loved it! We need to use these next few months to define your story.
When people see you they need to think Oscar winner, not dumb asshole from an old TV show that nobody cares about.
Okay, I hear what you're saying, but we can both agree Horsin' Around was a good show, right? BoJack, you know I think the world of you.
I think you are so smart and attractive, so I'm not going to mince words.
Horsin' Around was a piece of shit.
(FUNKY ELECTRONIC MUSIC) Looking good.
Fantastic.
You need a coaster.
I told you to wear lipstick and underpants, Teresa.
I put everything bill-related in one folder.
Gas bill, cable bill, and the new headshots for Billy Zane.
- Thank you, Judah.
- You also wanted me to remind you - to call Mr.
Peanutbutter.
- Yeah.
Ping me again in two minutes? No, five minutes.
Uh, when's our call with BoJack and Spanakopita? The one that started seven minutes ago? It started seven minutes ago.
What? Diane's in your office right now, stalling poorly.
And that is my opinion on the Octomom.
Remember Octomom? (ANA) Diane, are you stalling for Princess Carolyn? What? You know who was good at stallin' was Joseph Stalin.
(CHUCKLES) (BOJACK) If anything, Stalin was ruthlessly efficient.
Get your head out of your ass.
He also had a city named after him.
Isn't that right, Princess Carolyn, - who's been here the whole time? - Hey, buddy.
How was your first big day at the press junket? (SIGHS) Endless.
It was like the second act of a Judd Apatow movie.
He was exquisite.
The movie's tracking really well on social.
New media impressions are up 23 percent across platforms.
What does that mean? Oh, I have no idea.
I assumed you would know.
(CLEARS THROAT) But I keep tweeting things and they keep getting retweeted, so we're doing something right.
Yesterday I dropped my phone in the bathroom which made BoJack's Instagram post a picture of the floor, with the caption "spujb.
" That got 4000 likes.
- (ANA) Great.
- I am exhausted.
Being a movie star is the hardest job.
And we get no recognition.
(GRUNTS) Okay, you're gonna love this.
I pulled some strings at Manatee Fair and set up an interview tomorrow night.
BoJack is not ready for a magazine feature.
Relax.
It's not that big a deal.
I didn't realize you were an authority on deal size.
(PRINCESS CAROLYN) Listen, Moussaka Ladies, please.
There's plenty of BoJack to go around.
I can do all the bullshit things Ana's scheduled for me in the morning and still have time for Princess Carolyn's bullshit thing tomorrow night.
Now, pajamas.
- Whaa! - (GASPING) - Todd?! - What is going on over there? (ANA) BoJack smuggled a young boy into his room.
No big deal.
Movie stars do it all the time.
Where am I? (SNIFFS) Bagels? Pizza? (SNIFFING) Hipsters? Urine? - Am I in Minneapolis? - What? No, you're in New York.
FOLLOW-UP: why are you in New York? Beats me.
Sometimes I just am places.
(MOANING) I can't get to sleep.
Oh, God.
(GROANS) Yeah, that'll do it.
(SIGHS) Is my name Sarah Koenig? Because I'm about to get cereal.
(MOANS) I am the queen.
Follow me, citizens.
There are no sad times in our cave of possibilities.
(SIGHS AND SNORES) (GRUNTING) (MONITOR BEEPS) - (BEEPING) - Huh.
Small bottle of shampoo?! Not on my watch! - (ALARM RINGING) - (SCREAMING) You better not have gotten your failure stink all over my important movie star clothes.
- Ohh - I didn't mean that.
You're my friend and you don't stink of failure.
Your stink is one of good intentions and youthful exuberance.
(TODD) Hooray, compliment! You wanted me to ping you regarding Mr.
Peanutbutter.
Oh, fish! Guys, hold on, I have to make a quick call.
- What? You're already on a call.
- Sorry.
- Please hold.
- (ANA) This is ridiculous.
- Hello? - (PRINCESS CAROLYN) It's your agent! I wanted to remind you of your meeting with Pinky today.
I think I'm already in it.
(ANNOYED THROAT CLEARING) - Do I need to be on this call still? - I put you on conference.
How do I? - BoJack Horseman, is that you?! - Hey, Mr.
Peanutbutter.
Hey buddy, loved that bathroom floor pic you posted yesterday.
Spujb! Classic BoJack.
We should get together sometime and take a selfie.
I'd love to, buddy, but I'm kinda in New York right now.
(PEANUTBUTTER) New York City?! They make such great salsa.
I'm here too, honey.
Have a great meeting! Diane?! Wait, you went to New York? - (DIANE) No.
I'm just on-- - Why wouldn't you tell me? How long are you-- I'm not accusing.
I just I feel safer when I know that I know where you are.
- I affirm your feelings - (BOJACK) I don't want to-- your feelings have value, but I'm not in New York, I'm just on the conference call.
- Guys, can we - (PEANUTBUTTER) I feel heard.
- (DIANE) I hear that you feel heard.
- What the hell is happening? - Hey, Mr.
Peanutbutter, I'm in New York! - What?! (TODD) As Carrie from Sex and the City might say - I'm Carrie.
- (PEANUTBUTTER) Todd? In the naked city? (CHUCKLING) That is going to lead to some wackiness.
You mark my words.
Would you guys literally mark my words? I do want to refer back to this later on.
We're in the middle of a meeting! (PEANUTBUTTER) Got to go.
It's always "Rabbit, Run" with this guy.
Right? Oh, yeah.
Somebody did their research on J.
D.
Salinger.
Rabbit, Run? - That's Updike, you illiterate.
- What's Updike? Not much, dyke, what's up with you? Is "dyke" an okay thing to say now? Has it been reclaimed? I honestly can't keep track.
- Who are you asking? - (ANA) We're hanging up now, goodbye.
Wow! BoJack and Todd in the Big Apple.
I want to find one of those fortune telling robots that can make me big! (GROANS) Hey, champ, I have a very important job for you.
Why don't you go get us some ice? You don't need to patronize me.
- But, yeah, I can do that important job.
- (BOJACK) Don't get lost, buddy! I'm not gonna get lost.
The city's on a grid, why would I get Oh, no.
Hello? Are you still there? - They may have hung up.
- I have some good news for once.
I just got promoted to head of programming.
I'm no longer a passenger on the burning wreckage of an industry that is broadcast television.
- I'm a captain! - What happened to Wanda? You didn't hear? She got poached.
- Oh, God! - By another company.
Oh, good.
- They shot her.
- Oh, God! Straight to the top of the corporate ladder! - Oh, good.
- She had to move to Detroit.
- Oh, God! - Which I hear is due for a resurgence.
Can we get to the goddamn point, please? Anyway, the network is finally breaking even, thanks to the runaway success of Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let's Find Out! Not to mention its companion show Talking Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities: What Do They Know? Do They Know Things? Let's Find Out, With Chris Hardwick.
- So as long as you two stick around - I'm taking the show off the air.
Wait, what? Why?! I told the story I wanted to tell.
To prolong it for commercial reasons would be crass and inorganic.
Uh At long last the public knows what Hollywoo stars and celebrities know - and what they don't know.
- (MOANING) - Did they know things? - (WHIMPERS) - Well, we found out.
- This is a nightmare.
Why does everything I love fall apart as soon as I touch it? Oh, my ex-wife was right about me.
I am no Christopher from the Tesla dealership.
Is this as good as it gets? Or are we living in the ghost town where once my career did blossom? Who will speak my name when I am gone? Who will sing lamentations for he who once talked soup? - (GROANS) - What legacy of ruin am I left with? What rewards have I reaped for the damage done? I do not miss the spotlight's glare, but I do a little, miss sunshine.
(SOBBING) (GASPS AND GROWLS) But before you fold the omelette, I'd like the chef to hold the pan up and whisper his or her dreams into it.
Whisper dreams into omelette.
Just coffee.
Don't need to talk to it at all.
Thanks.
You look different.
Older.
A lot older.
I'm not saying you look bad, just much, much, much older.
Thank you, Jill.
You haven't heard from Cuddlywhiskers recently, have you? Cuddlywhiskers? I haven't talked to him since the show was canceled.
I worry about him.
About six months back, he disappeared, stopped returning my calls.
I'm sure he's fine.
I mean, who returns calls? Promise me you'll check on him when you get back to L.
A.
Maybe swing by his house? I think you owe him that much.
Fine.
Listen, about the play The Tragedy of Greg KingLear, a theatrical immersion by Jill Pill? - Right.
- That's dead.
Over.
A thing that happened that happens no longer, - like a whimper in the wind.
- Okay.
Theater is by its very nature ephemeral.
We shout into the void, "Hey, you!" And the void says, "Stop shouting at me, please!" And we grab the void and we spit in its face, "Sir, I will not.
" Boy, did New York do a number on you.
Let me tell you about my next piece.
It starts with you, BoJack Horseman, completely naked and covered in milk.
- I'll stop you there.
- It's a symbol for rebirth.
I'm not interested in being rebirthed.
I'm still recovering from being birthed the first time.
Jill, I'm not the guy who does things that are challenging, or edgy, or covered in milk.
I'm about to be nominated for an Oscar.
I'm thinking about my legacy now.
I want to do things that connect with people, things that last.
That's the whole point, nothing lasts.
No, I know, but see, years after I die, people will still be able to see me in Secretariat.
- And then what? - And then I'll be remembered.
If I win an Oscar, I'll be remembered.
- And then what? - Then my life will have meaning.
- I don't know! - Mm-hmm.
You know what the real tragedy of Greg KingLear is? Two hours long without an intermission? It's that he's a marionette.
And he doesn't even know someone else is pulling his strings.
Mmm, I don't think the chef whispered his dreams into this.
This does not taste like dreams.
You told me I would be getting more attention at a smaller agency, but if anything, I'm getting less.
Is this the best time to be on your phone? I'm sorry.
Let me just send this one email What? Why isn't it sending? Judah! I'm taking my business to Gekko Rabitowitz.
What? No! J.
D.
Salinger is too big a star to be hamstrung by some rinky-dink operation working out of a two-story warehouse.
I need an agency with at least nine stories.
Uh That was a reference to my work, with which you are clearly not familiar.
- Oh - Goodbye.
Hello to you, Rasputin.
- Give my regards to the czar.
- I will relay the message.
Oh, I don't know why I thought I could do this.
I'm drowning, and cats hate drowning.
I believe I can take on more responsibility around here.
- On a provisional basis, of course.
- Okay.
But we're a small agency and we need to think like one.
Instead of spreading ourselves thinner, we should focus on better gigs for the clients we already have.
- Oh.
Like Jerry Maguire.
- Yes.
- What part of Jerry Maguire? - The part where Tom Cruise's agent got him a massive payday for being in Jerry Maguire.
(RINGTONE) Who's that dog? Mister Peanutbutter Princess Carolyn?! Listen, kid, tough break about the Hollywoo Stars and Celebrities Whatever, Whatever, Whatever, but what are we gonna do next? I was looking forward to taking some time off.
What? That is the worst idea I've ever heard.
You're the biggest name in TV right now.
and every network would love to air your next project.
Why don't you get off your lazy keister and come up with some TV ideas and make us all billionaires? Go get us some money.
Go get it, boy.
You can do it! Go! Atta boy! (BARKING) Daddy, it's so nice having you home.
These last few months have been amazing.
My blood pressure's down, my stress is down.
- (ENGINE REVVING) - Oh, what the? There's my favorite accountant! Great news! P.
B.
Livin' is back - No! No! - in business! - No! - Yes! -Here we go! -Oh, God, no, please.
It's gonna be great, as it always is, from my perspective.
Dad, you promised we were gonna play catch, and then we'd listen to your favorite Harry Chapin song together! You never told me what it was! Oh, it's Cat's in the Cradle, but don't listen to it now! I'm gonna go listen to it.
No! The lyrics are too relevant.
Don't do it.
- No! - (ENGINE REVVING) (BOTH LAUGHING) So, what's next for BoJack? What do you mean, "What's next?" Why does everything have to have a next? I just mean, after Secretariat's all over, what are you going to do next? We were told this feature would be pegged to the release of Secretariat.
It is, but we also want to get to know the real BoJack.
- Do we? - If you want the real BoJack, there's a book written about that.
But that was BoJack before the book came out.
Who's BoJack now? Who's BoJack now? BoJack is just He's a guy who could use a drink, that's who! Should we order alcohol? Heather, could we have a moment of privacy, please? Sure.
I'll just plug my ears and sing an old sea shanty.
Oh, the sea she be a salty lass With a hi, ho, barrel of rum Sweetheart, I don't think we need to be drinking tonight.
Trust me, you do not want me to do this sober.
You don't need to micromanage everything, okay? I'm not your puppet.
All right.
You clearly have everything under control.
Raise the mast and raise your glass And banish ye dragons To where they come from! Garçon, dos whiskey sours, por favor? Actually, make it tres.
And whatever the lady wants.
- Did mama bear finally leave? - She's a human, but yes.
Well, when the cat's away Again, a human.
I like where you're going with this.
I gotta tell you, I really loved the movie.
You're definitely going to win an Oscar.
That "You Are Secretariat" scene? Oh, it made me wet.
It made you wet?! Yeah.
"Wet" is manatee slang.
It refers to a feeling of comfort and warmth, because a manatee's natural habitat is water.
Oh, okay.
- It also made me really horny.
- Uh That's narwhal slang.
You know, because they have horns.
(BOTH CHUCKLING) (TODD) When I first came to New York I was young, full of hope.
But you get lost in this town.
One day you look in the mirror and think to yourself, "Who is this sad, broken man?" Listen, kid, I don't need your life story.
I just came out here to commit suicide.
- No, don't! - Crap! Forgot I could fly.
(CHUCKLING AND KISSING) The first thing you notice about BoJack is he's got a nice buzz going.
Oh, one final question.
Are you more man than horse? Or are you more horse than man? What the hell does that mean? Take off your city clothes and let's be animals! I want to get natural! (LAUGHING) Okay! A manatee and a horse making out with each other.
Just like in nature.
In the old days sailors thought manatees were mermaids.
Remember that episode of Horsin' Around where Sabrina wanted to be a mermaid? I don't want to think about that show.
I didn't come back to your hotel room because you're a goofy dad who once got his dick stuck in a vacuum cleaner.
I'm pretty sure that never happened on the show.
If I'm going to sacrifice my journalistic integrity, it's because I'm having sex with a movie star.
And they're off! (CHUCKLING) (HEATHER) You like that, little horsie? (BOJACK) Yeah.
- But I don't need you to talk.
- (HEATHER) I'm a mermaid, baby.
- Gonna climb up onto your boat.
- (BOJACK) What? - (HEATHER) What happened? - Sorry, I just Give me a minute.
(HEATHER) You want me to touch it, blow on it, sing it happy birthday? (BOJACK) No, no, just Why did you say that thing about the boat? I don't know, I was being sexy.
You okay? Just forget it.
You ruined it.
(EXHALES) You want to talk about it? There's nothing to talk about.
It was a misunderstanding, that's all.
She just walked in at the worst possible It-- It wasn't my fault, uh, right? I don't know what you're talking about.
On the boat, there was a girl.
- What? - In New Mexico.
And she trusted me.
I keep asking myself if her mother didn't walk in, would I have done it? And part of me is sure that I-- I couldn't.
But another part knows that's a lie.
How do you make something right when you've made it so wrong you can never go back? I just think you have to keep moving forward? (SIGHS) Yeah.
All my life that's all I've ever done.
What's it gotten me? Well, hey, look, you're the star of a movie now.
You're probably gonna win an Oscar.
I'm not even in it.
That's not me.
- What do you mean, that's not you? - I was digitally replaced.
Special effects.
None of it's me.
Wow, that's (SIGHS) That's quite a story.
I shouldn't even be here.
It's been a long night.
Why don't we go to bed? In the morning, everything will be okay.
(LAMP CLICKS) (SIGHS) - (TRAFFIC OUTSIDE, FAINT) - (SNORTS) (MOANS) Oh, shit.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING) BoJack? It's 4:00 am.
No, it's 7:00.
I'm in New York.
I'm calling from the future.
(DROWSILY) Is that BoJack Horseman? What is this, a crossover episode? What do you want? Let's say, hypothetically, you had some information about me.
You were gonna write about it, I wanted to stop you before you could get it published.
What would be a smart thing I could do in that situation that would change your mind? Are we fighting about the book again? I don't remember where we left off last time.
No.
Diane, not everything is about you.
For once, I have a problem, I need your help.
Okay, walk me through it again? I don't have time! It's already three hours later here! Thanks a lot.
Once again, you've been no help whatsoever.
Spoiler from the future, you suck.
Sorry, you don't suck.
I'm just very stressed out right now.
Bye.
(GROANS) Oh, come on, come on.
I'm aware of the situation and I'm handling it.
- But I haven't even-- - I'm handling it.
I'll see you at the screening tonight.
- But - Don't be late.
- BoJack! - Huh? There you are.
Stay right there.
You will not believe the night I had.
- This city will eat you alive.
- Did you get the ice? (GROANS) I'll be right back.
I'm lost again! (PEANUTBUTTER) All right, Oxnard.
We are looking at a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Too bad Todd's not here.
He's always the best at coming up with ideas that at first might seem terrible Right.
If he was here, he'd probably say something like, "Hey, you know what's cool? Spaghetti strainers!" Go on.
And you'd say, "I feel like I've seen that somewhere before.
" Hah! That is so me! And then he'd say, "What if I told you that this spaghetti strainer is also a hat?" A spaghetti strainer that's also a hat? That is a brilliant idea! That's a terrible idea.
That's my point! Put that in the maybe pile.
Right now, we need to focus on TV shows.
I'm sure Todd would suggest, A Spaghetti Strainer THAT'S ALSO A HAT: The TV Show.
That's it! Todd, you've done it again.
No! Nobody's done anything.
Oxnard, I want you to buy out the entire spaghetti strainer warehouse.
I mean, every spaghetti strainer they got.
I'm putting all my money in spaghetti strainers for this show.
- How is this a show? - Don't ask me.
It's your idea.
(SIGHS) - (VEHICLE STOPPING) - (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES) I took care of our problem.
What did you do? You don't need to know anything else.
It's been taken care of.
Ana There-- There was a moment back at the hotel where I really thought I blew it, I was scared it was all over, and-- And then after, I was relieved.
I don't know if I should win an Oscar.
- I don't know if I want to.
- Stop punishing yourself.
I was in New Mexico.
None of that matters.
All that matters now is the story.
We get to decide what our story is.
Nobody else gets to tell you what your story is.
- What is my story? - I'll tell you.
This has been your dream for the last 30 years.
You made it happen.
An Oscar won't make you happy forever, it won't solve all your problems.
You win that Oscar, the next day you go back to being you.
But that night is a really good night.
I think you deserve a really good night, and I know how to get you there.
Do you want that? Yes, I do.
Go introduce your movie.
Tell your story.
Tomorrow we fly to Chicago.
Being Secretariat isn't just about running fast.
Secretariat's a state of mind.
It's about doing the right thing, standing up for yourself.
Why, I look around and I see a whole room full of Secretariats.
You are Secretariat.
And you are Secretariat.
And you are Secretariat.
BoJack, it's such a beautiful movie and I think such a textured performance.
When you were on Horsin' Around, could you ever have imagined that you'd give a performance like this? - Yes.
Actually, I imagined it a lot.
- (LAUGHTER) I always knew I was more than just a dumb TV actor.
Even if other people didn't always know that.
- (LAUGHTER) - Seriously, though that TV show it wasn't me.
This movie is me.
And I can't tell you how great it feels to finally be doing the kind of work that I can be proud of.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) Back in the '90s I was in a very famous TV show - I'm BoJack the Horseman - BoJack BoJack the Horseman Don't act like you don't know And I'm trying to hold on to my past It's been so long I don't think I'm gonna last I guess I'll just try And make you understand That I'm more horse than a man Or I'm more man than a horse BoJack Boxer vs.
Raptor, Na-na na-na na-na na-na!