Bored to Death (2009) s03e01 Episode Script

Thank you all for coming tonight.
I thought that these knives would be a sort of metaphorical ribbon cutting for my new book, The Blonde In The Woods.
Oh.
It's metaphorical.
I thought he was just being self-destructive.
- Is it over? - It's all over, sweetie.
I'll be signing books, iPads and Kindles.
Ah! - Who should I sign it to? - Just sign it, kid.
Thank you very much.
Weak grip.
Good to know.
What? Mom, Dad, you guys don't have to wait in line.
I'll sign your books after.
But I'm your biggest fan.
I'm his biggest fan.
He was a 10-month baby.
He didn't want to leave.
I love your organic restaurant, George.
Thank you, Ray.
And now, let's toast Jonathan and his wonderful new book.
And I'm not the only one who has a reason to celebrate.
- Ray? - Oh, you got a job? No, nothing terrible like that.
Remember the lesbian couple in Ditmas Park that got pregnant from my stolen sperm? Yes, that was and still is very memorable.
Well, they're getting a divorce and I get to see my son one day a week.
I meet him tomorrow.
The nice mom decided that he needed a male role model.
Oh, that's fantastic.
But I don't understand.
Your sperm was stolen? Did they take it from you while you were sleeping? No, I put it in a cup.
And they stole the cup? I love the view, Jonathan.
But how can you afford this place? Well, because of the clock, everything trembles once an hour.
It's why the rent is so cheap.
It's like living in California, but in Brooklyn.
Ray probably kept his sperm in a fridge, don't you think? Yeah, I remember something about having to keep it chilled.
So, what do you make of this whole situation with Ray? I think it's great.
So, you're not against sperm donation? Not at all.
I think it's a nice use of sperm.
Ira, I don't think Florence, I've been waiting 30 years for a good opening.
What are you guys talking about? Jonathan, I'm sterile.
But there was never the right moment to tell you, and I never wanted you to think I wasn't your father.
I was too proud.
But hearing Ray's story I don't understand.
To conceive you, we went to a sperm bank.
I come from a sperm bank? Yes, it was in Fair Lawn, near The Kosher Nosh restaurant.
You know, the place with the wonderful kugel? Florence, that's not relevant.
I can't believe this.
Who's my father? All we know is that he was Jewish and very bright, which is what we requested.
He was a member of Menscha.
Menscha? He was a member of Mensa.
And so, I come from a sperm bank in Fair Lawn, New Jersey.
At least the guy was a member of Mensa.
I always said you were very bright.
You know, the whole thing was pretty emotional.
I had to reassure my dad that I'll always love him and I'll always think of him as my father.
Good boy.
I'm so proud of you.
If my daughter said something like that to me, I'd dissolve and turn into mist.
It is weird.
All my life, I've defined myself by saying I'm not like my dad.
But now that it's true, I feel completely disoriented.
I have to say, I'm at a loss as how to console you.
- I'll pay for lunch.
- Thank you, George.
Oh, shit, George.
I'd better get going.
I have a case.
You know, I don't know if ifs the placebo effect, but I always feel so virile after eating oysters.
Like I should mount a woman immediately.
But you always feel that way.
What do you think? Super Ray versus X-Acto Man.
Ray, you have to stop drawing that stabbing over and over again.
Why? It took Monica Seles years to get over her stabbing, and she was the number one tennis player in the world.
You're not Monica Seles.
You have to let it go.
Okay.
I think I'm just getting a little bit overwhelmed about meeting Spencer.
It'll be fine.
You're good with children.
No, I'm not.
I've always been bad with children.
When I was little, kids would call me Gay Hueston.
They hated me.
They'd say, "Hueston, we have a problem because you're gay.
" It's why I became an artist.
That's them.
That's them.
You get the door, okay? And just tell them that I have very bad erratic diarrhea, okay? And that I don't want Spencer to catch it.
Ray, diarrhea is not contagious.
That is not true and you know it! You're going to meet your son.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Hello.
Come on, Ray.
Renee and Spencer are here.
Uh, is he wearing a red cape? Oh, yes.
He wanted to look heroic for Spencer.
- It's his alter ego.
- Oh, that's sweet.
Is he all right? He's nervous and didn't sleep well, so he's overtired.
So is Spencer.
Maybe later you can put them both down for a nap.
Anyway, I'm gonna pick him up at 6:00.
- Come on, Ray.
- No! Ray, you have nothing to be afraid of.
Spencer is so excited to meet you and spend the day with you.
Really? Yeah, just keep him in his regular routine, a walk, a nap' a bottle.
Here, you hold him.
I love you.
My mark is supposed to be tall and wearing a distinctive yellow hat.
Is the hat distinctive because it's yellow, or is it yellow and distinctive? I don't know.
Good point.
I was hired over the phone.
All the guy said was to follow her wherever she goes and report where she lands.
Sounds easy enough.
I'll help you for a while, but then I've gotta go meet my daughter.
Did she find a place to live? Yeah, she and her new boyfriend found a sublet down in Chelsea.
I'm meeting him today as well.
Hope I don't loathe the kid immediately.
That must be her.
That hat is yellow and distinctive.
- Let's go.
- Oh, my God, what a robust figure.
- It's like she has a cello in that dress.
- George.
- I love this case.
- Whoa, whoa.
George, George, George, George.
Slow down, you'll tip her off.
I want to get a better look.
I just had oysters.
But you're not being professional.
I don't want to be professional.
Oh, my God, what about her'? Let's follow her.
Wait, she's going towards my subway.
- George! - The oysters are kicking in.
Good luck.
30"'! Come on, dude.
Hey! You know, you could have been a gentleman and helped me open the door at least.
- Fuck you, estrogen bomb.
- Estrogen? Spencer! Fuck it.
More coffee, Mr.
Christopher? No, no, thank you' Phillip.
Have you seen the new article? I saw it, Mr.
Christopher.
But my name is Steven.
I've been with you since you left Edition.
I am so sorry, Steven.
Because of the marijuana' my whole life is like that film, Memento.
And I'm nervous.
I'm seeing my daughter for the first time in two years.
Here she is.
Emily.
Oh, hi, Daddy.
My dear girl.
- Look at you.
You are so beautiful.
- Oh, really? I haven't put on weight? No! No, no, no, no.
- Come on, let's sit down.
- Okay.
All right, I want all your headlines immediately.
- Okay.
Well - But before you start, I just want to tell you that I am so, so, so sorry that I've been a lousy father the past couple of years.
I want us to be close again.
No, I'm sorry I've been a lousy daughter.
No, you haven't been lousy.
I'm the only one allowed to feel guilty here.
That's my job as a parent, to feel inadequate.
Okay, Dad, you're inadequate.
All right, give me your headlines.
- Okay.
Well, I'm - Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Hold the presses.
Where's your new boyfriend? I thought he was coming with you.
Yeah.
He's out running errands for me.
We like to pretend that he's my dog it's our fun little thing.
Well, that sounds good, I guess.
I mean, dogs are loyal, right? - Where'd you meet him? - At a séance.
We were trying to communicate with the original designer of Fiestaware.
I went with my A.
A.
sponsor, Sophie.
Wait, wait.
Slow down, sweetheart.
- You're in A.
A.
? - Mm-hmm.
- When did this happen? - About nine months ago.
I was drinking a lot, but mostly, I was just becoming a pot-head.
Like you used to be when I was a kid.
Well, yes.
That is true.
I was a pot-head.
Back then.
But anyway, I'm so glad that you're sober.
So, what about you? Why did you open this elitist, artisanal restaurant? Well, it's kind of my new canvas, you know? It's like the magazine, but with steak frites.
Oh.
Have you seen this article'? You're gonna get a kick out of it.
Ooh, there's Bernard.
Bernard, over here.
Here, boy.
Here, boy.
Hi.
- Yeah? - Ames here, your detective.
The woman in the yellow hat is in room 1527 of the Iroquois Hotel.
Got it.
Hey, speaking of the woman in the yellow hat, did you ever read the Curious George books? I loved them when I was a kid, I What's going on here? I heard a scream.
Well, actually two screams.
Spency, you've got to stop crying.
- Hello? - Mom! - Hey, Ray.
- Listen, the baby won't stop crying.
What do I do? Leah's outwith the girls.
Put some whiskey on a nipple.
That's what I used to do for you.
- Really? - Sure.
It's amazing I'm not an alcoholic.
- You're not'? - Mom! God.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Shh.
There's no nipple.
It's a goddamn sippy cup! Look, I used to cry a lot too when I was a kid, but sometimes you have to just suck it up, okay? See'? See this? Take this, go like this.
Right? It's okay.
Shh.
Not bad.
Oh, my God.
Hello? Please don't be dead.
Please don't be dead.
Dead.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
I've been framed.
Why are my pants at my ankles? Oh, my God! I'm sorry.
Are you okay? I mean Police.
Open up.
Open up! Police.
Please don't scream.
I'm not here to molest you.
I mean, you're very beautiful.
Go back into the bathroom, come out in two minutes and I'll be gone, okay? Goodbye.
Thank you.
So, did you have fun with your superhero daddy? "Yes I did.
I love being with Daddy.
I want to be with him all the time.
" I think somebody might need a diaper change.
I'm sorry.
Does he smell like booze? No, I don't think so.
Maybe he snuck a drink earlier.
You know kids.
Well, I'd better get him over to my ex's house.
She can change his diaper.
That's one of the benefits of divorce.
Now that you've been cut loose, have you been getting a lot of puss? Yeah, it's actually okay.
You know, I was never single in Brooklyn before.
So, it's kind of wonderful.
It's kind of like college.
You know, a lot of girls, a lot of puss.
Hmm.
Guess it gives a new meaning to the phrase "gay divorcee.
" Right.
So, I guess we'll see you next week, Ray? Great.
Do remember to have your ex change him right away.
If he's anything like his old man, he has a sensitive tushy.
Right, little guy? Oh, good to know.
Okay! - Bye, Spencer.
- Bye.
Bye.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye.
Bye, Spencer.
Bye, Spencer.
Spencer.
Spencer! And so I'm living right upstairs.
There's even a dumbwaiter.
So if I want, they can send my meals right up the chute.
I want a dumbwaiter.
George, I keep noticing the staff down here is sewing telephones? Yes, I've banned cell phones from the restaurant.
But if you have an emergency, you can have a telephone plugged in at your table.
Why the ban, Daddy? You love texting.
Well, we are organic, and lately, with all the "pods" and "pads," I'm feeling choked by technology.
I even started getting emails in my mind.
You know, I was working on brain emails, I was gonna call them bmails, at my company before I sold everything to Microsoft.
My beautiful genius lover.
Sal.
Hey, Sal.
Sal, can I have the Thank you.
Daddy, where's the ladies' room? I need to drain my lizard.
It's down to the right, sweetheart.
- I'm smitten, George.
- I can see that.
But I have to be straight with you about something.
You are too old for Emily.
That's not true, George.
No, life is being extended.
Something is happening, especially for those of us in the upper income brackets.
Don't you feel unusually young? Yes, actually I do.
But I'm talking about my daughter.
So am I.
I've fallen in love with Emily, and I want to marry her.
I would like your permission.
I want to be your son-in-law.
Marry? Are you delusional? Sometimes.
But about this, I have clarity.
Well, what if I were to say no? I think you'd make Emily terribly unhappy.
She wanted me to ask you first.
Your approval is very important to her.
Is this the kind of thing that I could think about? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? Yes, can I please speak to George Christopher? Oh, Sal.
I'm so upset about my daughter.
I'll have one more.
But that'll be the last one.
You have a phone call, Mr.
Christopher.
Thank you, Richard.
It's Steven, Mr.
Christopher.
I don't know a Steven.
No, it's Jonathan.
Oh, sorry.
Thank you, Jonathan.
- Hello, Steven.
- George? Hello, George? Oh, dear.
Hello? Oh God.
Police.
Open up.
Not again.
Jonathan Ames, if you're in there, open the door.
Jonathan Ames, open the door! Leah, today with Spencer was one of the best days of my life.
I felt needed.
It's like being with Jonathan, but better.
Ray, that's beautiful.
It's different being a dad.
Most of the time, lately, I feel like I've been sleepwalking my way through life.
Like I really wasn't here, you know'? That's how you feel when you're with me? No, not with you.
I just only see you at night, now that you're working most of the time.
So, it's when you're alone that you feel this way? Yeah, but today I felt completely awake.
Like my heart was as big as the moon.
I just love that little kid.
I'd do anything for him.
Ray, I'm so proud of you.
And even if you feel lost sometimes, you've been doing a wonderful job running the house for me.
Yeah, I know.
I'm good at it.
I guess I've become a real Park Slope mom.
A hot Park Slope mom.
Get the lube.
Really? Would you like me to shower first? I know you like me to be clean.
- No, I'm ready now.
- I love you, Leah.
Where is it? Oh, yeah.
Oh, God.
It's Jonathan.
This'll only take a second.
No backing out! Jonathan, I don't appreciate such a late phone call.
Do you know what time it is? No, actually 11:16! Ray! Help.