Boston Legal s03e01 Episode Script

Previously on Boston Legal.
Shirley kissed me.
She still loves me.
I'm seeing someone who's dying of lung cancer.
I can't keep going.
Hands Espenson.
Banking and finance genius.
Only don't call him Hands.
I've been working very hard to deal with my Asperger's syndrome.
It's called friends with benefits.
I have never had that kind of friend before.
- Alan, Marlene Stanger.
- A pleasure, Ms.
Stanger.
We're going to make love.
We're going to get this out of our system.
- And then we will move on.
- Do you want to marry me? God.
Oh, God, please, no.
I'm in control.
Deep breaths.
You're in control.
License and registration, please.
Mr.
Espenson, you were driving in the carpool lane.
That lane's reserved for vehicles with two or more passengers.
- Sir, that is not a person in your passenger seat.
I'm sorry.
I'll pay the ticket.
Okay.
I'm also going to have to impound the doll.
- What? - I'm afraid that's the law, sir.
Well-Well-Well, hold on- You-You can't have her.
Sir, please get back in the vehicle.
No! You can't take her! She's done nothing wrong! It was all me! My fault! Sir, please get back in the vehicle.
No! No! No! No! All right! Take it easy! - No! - All right, hold him.
No! - We're developing pictures.
- We're photography buffs.
Yes.
And I hate to interrupt your buffing, but there's an emergency.
Jerry Espenson is in jail.
Last night he-he tackled a police officer.
- What? - He's totally flipped out.
If you like to watch, I'm okay with that.
- All right, Denny- - Um, have you got a sec? Yeah.
Sure.
What's up? Uh, well, the good news is I'm getting married.
- To Daniel Post.
- Wow! - Denise.
- Thanks.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Denise.
- Thank you.
Thank you, Denny.
- Mm-mmm.
- Denny.
- Denny! - Denny! Denny! Denny! The bad news is Daniel got arrested and I was hoping that you could defend him.
What did he do? Well, it seems he went out and bought himself, um a lung.
It's not that complicated.
See, I met this guy, Tom, at my oncologist's office.
He's got a brain stem tumor.
It's inoperable.
So he had cancer.
I had cancer.
We-We became friends.
As you know, I lost a lung.
Coincidentally, Tom has two.
And even more of a coincidence, our tissues match.
- Gee, what do you know? - Now I'm not gonna need a lung for a couple of years but, you know, hey, why put off till tomorrow what you can transplant today? As it turns out, I have all this extra money lying around so I thought I'd help Tom's daughter with college.
Wow.
These idiot prosecutors thought you were buying a lung.
By the way, you see the ring? Holy- - Denise.
- Marlene.
- I hear you're getting married.
- I am.
Congratulations.
It must be a relief to have some financial security.
- Does Buzz know? - Buzz? Buzz Lightyear.
Isn't that the nickname for the Ken doll with benefits? Marlene, I'm finding it extremely difficult not to assault you right now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I being too familiar? I thought we were girlfriends.
I was hoping the relationship wouldn't change when I made partner and you didn't.
But I guess it has.
Oh, well.
Brad, did you hear? Denise is getting married.
- Really? - I-I was going to tell you.
Sometimes it's easier to hear from a third party.
That could've hit me.
Alan, I know I was wrong to drive in the carpool lane.
I stand ready to pay the fine.
But they have no right to take- Okay, Jerry, I want you to take a big, deep breath.
- Oh, God.
They're probably violating her as we speak.
- By "her" you mean the doll? - Some men do despicable things to them.
Some men get them specifically for sexual purposes.
You can't mean that? The blow-up dolls advertised with the lifelike genitalia? Men get them for sexual purposes? - You're making fun of me.
- Well, Jerry- This doll is a virgin! Now the police have her.
You've gotta get her back.
That officer was groping her.
That's why I had to take action.
Jerry, I will help you, but you're talking about a doll.
But I can talk to her.
As inanimate as she may be, I feel safe with her.
I can talk about things.
Okay, but, Jerry, could we perhaps get another doll? No.
As much as I know that she's not real, she's real to me.
You need to help, Alan.
She's real to me.
I got a second and third opinion, and they all say it's inoperable.
I've been through the whole "stages of death" thing.
I cried.
I begged.
I threw stuff.
Made it to "acceptance.
" And now you seem to have made it to the final stage: Profiteering.
These non-terminals have no sense ofhumor.
My daughter, she wants me to fight the cancer but the thing is, if I do the chemo and the radiation the most I may buy is three of four really nasty months.
- I don't want that.
- Here's what we're gonna do.
We're gonna plead not guilty and go with your story that this is just two friends helping each other out.
- Great.
- Except that's probably not gonna work.
So we'll also need to file a motion to dismiss on constitutional grounds.
And then hope that in the Constitution somewhere it says it's okay to sell your body parts to the highest bidder.
You wanna marry some guy- a criminal, no less- that's fine! - But to lie to me! - Don't yell.
I did not lie to you.
- Yes, you did! We're sleeping together and you're engaged! - Stop yelling at me! - It just happened! - Oh, it just happened? You just happened to get engaged? - You know what? Get out! - So this is a modern-day woman? - She has friends with benefits and collects proposals on the side? - Get out! - You really have it all, don't you? - Yeah, I really have it all! I'm in love with a man who is dying.
Lucky, lucky me.
You son of a bitch.
Why didn't you just tell me that you were seeing him? Because he was in Switzerland getting an experimental treatment and I didn't think he was coming back.
I'm sorry that I love him.
I don't want to love him, but I do.
I've gotta get him help.
My God.
If you saw the way he hugged her.
- Is she cute? - Denny, it's a doll.
Oh, come on.
Don't tell me you've never gone to town on a doll.
No, as a matter of fact.
Have you? - Denny! - Well, not just any doll.
I mean, I'm not, uh- - What's the word? - Peculiar? But I suppose I've been with a special doll.
Would I like her? Do you want to meet her? - She's in the closet.
- Denny, I've been in that closet.
Not this closet.
I'm the only one with a key to this closet.
Alan Shore, meet Shirley Schmidt-ho.
Oh, my God.
This little ho knows how to please.
Let me tell ya.
You had this custom made.
Here's the thing about rich people, Alan.
We get whatever we want.
Shirley Schmidt-ho.
All rise.
Judge Clark Brown presiding.
- Oh, dear.
- Problem? Judge Brown- I'm not his favorite.
Be seated.
Ms.
Schmidt, I have before me your motion to dismiss on constitutional grounds.
Denied.
You better take this.
Your Honor, I would ask that you would reconsider the defense's motion.
I will not.
He wanted to purchase a lung.
And he wanted to sell a lung.
Horrible.
Horrible! And shocking! In the interest of fairness, Your Honor, it's imperative that- No.
I'm ruling on your papers.
The law as it stands is constitutional and my decision stands firm.
I am not one of your activistjudges, Ms.
Bauer.
I follow the law as it is written a practice that makes me neither nancy nor pansy.
We will proceed.
I spoke with a few psychologists and, while they can appreciate how a person with Asperger's might find comfort in an imaginary soul mate- You're choosing your words carefully.
Why are you talking this way? When you talk to me like that I do not hear your words.
I only hear the pitter-patter of somebody tiptoeing lightly around a crazy person.
I know she's not real.
I'm not delusional.
I just- I spent a lot of money on it.
That's all.
Jerry, that isn't truthful.
You may not be having sex with it but you've completely individualized it.
You call it "her.
" You treat her as a loved one.
You've just described every man's relationship with his car.
The psychologists tell me as understandable as your attraction may be, it isn't healthy.
Have you ever been with a real woman sexually? I think you know the answer to that question, Alan.
There was a time, years ago when I had some difficulty of a certain stripe.
I was referred to a sex therapist- a surrogate, in fact.
- I'd like you to meet with her.
- That's disgusting! It is not disgusting.
What's more, she helped me enormously.
I believe she could help you.
For God's sake, Jerry, you're smart enough to realize your disability with intimacy is profound here.
You need to get help.
I was accepted to Penn this spring.
I knew it was out of our price range, so I contacted the financial aid office.
Did you qualify for financial assistance? I didn't need to.
My tuition was paid.
All four years, in full.
Who paid your tuition, Megan? It took some digging, but I eventually learned that it was Daniel Post.
I asked my father who Daniel Post was and ifhe knew anything about it.
He said I should be grateful and to keep it between us.
- Then I found the test.
- Commonwealth exhibit "A.
" Was this the test you discovered? Yes.
In my dad's desk.
It's a comparison study between my father and Mr.
Post.
They're a perfect match for each other.
Megan, why are you here testifying against your father? My mother died when I was six.
My dad is my whole family.
You have to at least try.
Megan, it's clear that you love your father very, very much and he has a tumor in his brain that cannot be removed.
And there's no getting around that, is there? No.
But there's no real evidence that Daniel Post paid your tuition in exchange for one of your father's lungs.
There's no contract between them, nothing signed, no receipt.
There's no real proof of a connection between the two of them, correct? So they just got typed and matched for the hell of it? Megan, your father still has both of his lungs.
Isn't it possible that Daniel Post paid your tuition to be nice? Because he could.
For the daughter of a friend.
Joanna, my name is Alan Shore.
I'm not sure if you remember me.
Yes.
How are you, Alan? I have a matter of great urgency.
I wonder if I could speak with you.
And I'm just afraid the more isolated he becomes- I mean, I would imagine men who bond with dolls some kind of intervention has to take place here.
Alan, I'm retired.
I've remarried and my husband has problems with his wife being a sexual surrogate.
- You've retired? - But I can refer you to several other therapists.
Without even meeting these women, I know they simply cannot be you.
Well, I suppose I'm flattered.
I mean to connote despair, not flattery.
My friend is extremely disenfranchised both sexually and emotionally.
And time is running out.
He's in his 40s.
His best friend is a doll.
Could you please come out of retirement for just one case? I beg you.
I don't want to be alone with her.
Can't I do this over the computer? No, Jerry.
You have to be in the same room.
I'm not comfortable.
I don't want to be alone with her.
And don't go rushing off to court trying to get some kind of order! - You can't make me, Alan! - Would it help if Patty went with you? Oh, that'll just make me look more like a freak! No, it won't.
How about we both join you Patty and I, just for the initial consultation? Thank you, Joanna.
You have no idea how grateful I am.
We'll see you then.
You missed your 10:00.
Something came up.
Something was supposed to come up in the closet at 10:00.
I've got a few minutes now if you'd like to go somewhere and grab a bite.
I'm leaving for New York.
Now? Friday.
I'm transferring to the New York office.
- What? Why? - I don't feel I'm doing my best work here.
I assure you, Marlene, you are.
I'll miss you.
Huh! That's it? You'll miss me? Dear.
Mr.
Post, who is Eugene Voluk? Eugene is a security guard at my office building.
Why did you write him a check for $50,000? Eugene's son is autistic.
He has to go to a special school.
So you just gave him the money? So, in addition to Katrina relief the Children's Hospital of Boston and a dozen other charities you just give money to people that you meet? Have you ever asked any of the people that you've helped for something in return? - No.
- Not even, say, a body part? - Not a one.
- Mr.
Post, how did you get to court this morning? - Car.
- You drove? - I was driven.
- You have a car and driver? Let's just stipulate I'm a rich guy.
Rich guys play by different rules, don't they? Same rules, just I have more toys.
You did hear that I share mine, right? I did.
You're obviously a generous man, and a lucky one.
Except for the whole cancer thing.
Well, but you've got the best treatment money could buy, right? Then you got yourself into the most promising drug trial in this country, right? Along with about 2,000 other people.
You were sued for manipulating that study to your benefit.
That suit went away.
Because the plaintiff died.
But not before you tried to buy your way out of a trial.
And when the study here at home didn't work you just got yourself into another one in Switzerland, didn't you? - A man like you, used to controlling everything- - Objection! - Sustained.
- I'm just saying, Mr.
Post you've got deep pockets, and you're able to use them to get what you want.
And the one lung that you have left, it's not gonna last forever, is it? Every time you have to stop on the street, you feel that tightness in your chest.
It reminds you ofhow vulnerable you are, doesn't it? Objection! Your Honor, this trial shouldn't be about who offered what to whom.
It should be about whether or not our government has the right to control what we can and cannot do with our own bodies.
- What you should be able to do to save your own life.
- Your Honor! - Disregard her views! Judge Brown doesn't want to hear about these issues because they cut too close to the bone.
I did some research, and it seems Judge Brown is himself a survivor of colon cancer.
But his is treatable! He could throw a couple radioactive seeds in the back door.
And then you don't have to face the hard truth about what you would be willing to do if you were dying.
You know, Jerry, Alan is very concerned about you.
He thinks your social isolation is rather extreme.
But the good news is it's not.
Many men your age are living alone these days without partners.
It's become all too common, in fact and I've treated many like you who prefer dolls.
Mainly they're motivated by a desire to avoid rejection.
Which, when you think about it every man fears rejection from women on some level.
Thank you.
Do you lie on your bed next to Patricia? I do not have sex with her.
Oh, I believe you.
I believe you.
Because what you're looking for isn't sex so much as intimacy in relationship.
Jerry, I want to have another session when you and I just lie together.
No sexual touching.
We just lie next to each other.
- Oh, I don't know.
- It won't be about sex.
But body awareness.
And relaxation.
Naked? Yes.
I wouldn't want you there for that.
Understood.
That didn't go very well.
No, it didn't.
- Are you okay? - Mmm, fine.
A penny for your thoughts? My thoughts are not for sale, unlike the rest of- - Ouch.
- Um- My father didn't have a lot to leave when he died.
He actually executed something called an ethical will.
- Have you heard of them? - I've drafted them.
He believed that a person's final legacy shouldn't be so much about his money as about his character, his values.
Sometimes I wonder what Daniel's legacy's going to be.
Why don't you ask him? He'd say that legacies are for dead people and he doesn't want to be dead.
I guess that's the only answer he can live with.
The question is, can you? How are you feeling? Fine.
Thank you.
Before I get into bed, I'd like to take off my robe and I just want you to look at me.
Do you think you can do that? I'll try.
Could you look at me, Jerry? See? There's nothing terribly foreign about the female body, Jerry.
I'm going to climb in with you now, okay? Okay.
- How are you feeling? - I'm afraid.
Would you like me to hold you? Oh.
Okay.
Oh.
Gosh.
Freeze! No! No! You can't be in here! - All right, come on! Out of bed! - What are you doing? - You can't just barge in here! - Cuff her.
Let's go.
Just one moment, please! - It's all right.
Take a deep breath.
- God, no! I am looking for him.
As soon as I find him I will get him down to the station.
I hear you, Jerry.
Alan! Oh, come on! Alan! What? You can't blame Daniel Post for wanting to live.
What's the harm, he asked? We have many individual liberties that are dearly cherished in this country.
Equally cherished is the notion that our lawmaking bodies seek to protect the public good.
As a result, we don't have carte blanche to do whatever we please with our bodies.
Well, Daniel Post decided that he was above the law.
He figures he doesn't have to play by the same rules that apply to you and me.
So where's the harm? It's not just a matter of anarchy or the sanctity of the law.
Hundreds of thousands of people donate their organs every year so that others might live and they count on the system of distribution to be fair.
If it's not, those organ donations could stop or most certainly decline, and people die.
That's a harm he doesn't care about.
I'm hoping the 12 of you do.
I have a nephew.
He's in college.
During his semester break, he offered himself as a subject for medical research in exchange for money.
This is legal.
The woman who lives down the block from me had her eggs harvested so that another woman could have a baby.
She did this in exchange for money.
This is legal.
People can sell their hair, their blood, their sperm.
Legal.
Our nation already embraces the notion that we have the right to sell parts of ourselves that we are free to make these kinds of decisions about our own bodies.
Well, sort of.
Certain parts we have no rights.
But the truth is, organ sales are happening anyway.
Would-Would you like a kidney? I can get you one in Brazil for as low as $3,000 in the Philippines for 1,800.
I can you an Achilles tendon in South Korea for anywhere between $200 and $ 1,200.
Why does this black market exist? Because our current system of organ donation is woefully failing us.
Sure, you can put your name on a list along with 92,000 people who are left on the list each year.
In the meantime, anyone who can circumvent that list is doing so.
Families and friends donate directly.
Police and firefighters have an informal network where they donate their organs to each other.
And-And for a stiff monthly fee any patient can subscribe to a donor-matching Web site.
And Daniel Post found Tom Raulston.
Washington, D.
C.
Circuit Court previously found we have a constitutional right to save ourselves.
It's all Daniel Post was trying to do.
Jerry, I am so, so sorry.
I feel completely responsible.
I will make this go away.
I give you my absolute word.
What happened? It seems the awful Mr.
Ginsberg our politically ambitious zealot of a prosecutor has begun a citywide crackdown on a broad assortment of what he considers immoral sexual activity and somehow you and Joanna got caught up in it.
But I promise you, Jerry, this will not stand.
It's prostitution, pure and simple.
Not prostitution.
It was treatment.
What's more, they didn't even engage in any sexual activity.
- 'Cause they didn't have time.
- You bumptious moron.
Your Honor, the depravity of this society when it comes to sex has become epidemic.
Somebody has to be a guardian of decency and- This depraved society for which you've anointed yourself decency guardian spends billions of dollars on sexual dysfunction.
You can't turn on a cartoon today without seeing an ad for erectile dysfunction.
It's one of the fastest growing industries in our country.
Better sex through chemicals.
I'm not sure I see your point.
My point is we're cultivating an obsession with sexual performance.
And while it's perfectly acceptable to take a pill if you seek behavioral therapy well, that just goes against everything we stand for as a pharmaceutical nation.
Well, this man has Asperger's syndrome.
He has a disability when it comes to establishing intimate, social, emotional and, yes, sexual relationships.
He sought treatment.
And this pompous buffoon wants to make a case out of it to get some face time with Nancy Grace.
I move for an immediate motion to dismiss.
I move for cause.
And I'd ask Your Honor to sentence this idiot to sensitivity training, preferably for life.
All right.
I'm gonna take this under advisement.
And I will rule quickly.
Adjourned.
I am very, very sorry.
I feel so awful.
I've ended up hurting them both.
It'll probably make the news, compounding their embarrassment.
Alan, face it.
You screwed up.
So all you can do is apologize, accept responsibility and check yourself into rehab.
- What? - She's gone.
- Who? - Marlene.
- She left the firm.
- No, no, no.
She went to the New York office.
She'll be back.
- This girl mean something to you? - Don't be silly.
Denny! There's a rather monstrous rumor going around that you customized a doll in my likeness.
A doll you were caught having sex with in a closet.
That was him.
I assure you I'm holding out for the real thing.
Did you have a doll made in my likeness, Denny? Come on, Shirley.
You should be flattered.
To be a sexual prop- That's every woman's dream.
- Isn't it? - What's her name? - Sorry? - I'm told she has a name.
What is it? Oh, that.
Why, that's Shirley Schmidt-ho.
- I'd like to meet her.
- Oh, I don't think that's- You will bring me the doll.
- This won't be good.
- No.
What do you think? It's a fluke that you're both wearing the same outfits.
I know how you women don't like to see yourselves.
Denny, can you not appreciate how this degrades me? Ah, I-I'm just objectifying you for pleasure.
You truly can't see how this might humiliate me? You're jealous? Here's my problem.
There's no licensing or regulation of surrogate partners.
As Mr.
Ginsberg notes, I suppose any prostitute could claim she's a surrogate.
But Ms.
Miller was at one time a member of the International Professional Surrogate Association and that is a legitimate and often effective treatment.
- Oh, please.
- I'm also mindful of the hypocrisy Mr.
Shore alluded to earlier.
Big pharmaceutical spends billions of dollars cultivating a national obsession with sexual performance.
We're okay with pushing pills, but we condemn behavioral treatment? The charges against Mr.
Espenson and Ms.
Miller are dismissed.
Mr.
Ginsberg, I'm sure if you look hard you'll be able to find something better to do with your time.
- Adjourned.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Jerry, you heard what the judge said about the treatment being very effective.
I hope you'll seeJoanna again.
- Can I think about it? - Of course.
Thank you again, Alan.
My friend.
Thank you.
- What's wrong? - Sorry? You're blue.
Me? I'm not, actually.
We got the desired result here.
I'm still concerned about any embarrassment I might have caused you orJerry.
- I wouldn't describe myself as- - Blue? Yeah.
There was a girl.
She left.
It's not as if we had any kind of meaningful relationship.
And I suppose when I was with her, I could be my true, unadulterated self.
- Which is, as you know- - Degenerate.
These past few years, I've felt this inexplicable compulsion to be somewhat redeeming as if I were some series regular on a television show.
Something about Marlene allowed me to be- Degenerate.
In addition to your treatment ofJerry do you think you could maybe squeeze me in? How about we measure you for some trousers? Defendant will please rise.
Madam Foreperson, thejury has reached a unanimous verdict? - We have.
- What say you? In the matter of the Commonwealth versus Daniel Post on the charge of violating the Uniform Anatomical Gift Act we find the defendant not guilty.
Wow.
Are you gonna talk to me at all? Do you still love me? Because I still love you.
All right, tell you what.
You know that fur coat in the window at Bergdorf Goodman's? - Mm-hmm.
- I'll buy you Bergdorf Goodman's.
Daniel- I think I fell in love with most of you.
- Well, I can live with that.
- It's just the rest of the stuff.
I, um- I need some time.
Well, you know what? That-That works out too, because, uh Tom and I are gonna be going on a little vacation.
How long? Five, six weeks.
Uh, where? Probably best you don't know.
Right.
What do you mean, she's measuring you for trousers? Is that some kind of fetish? Would I like it? My mother wasn't a particularly doting woman, Denny.
She never held me much or- Except every fall, before the school year began she'd prepare my school clothes measure me for my pants- you know, the hems and so forth.
I'd stand there.
Her hand would be on my leg, my seam.
You had a thing for your mother.
It wasn't sexual.
Her touch was just I guess, loving.
One of the reasons I buy so many suits, I think.
While the tailors do what they do I suppose it reminds me of the times in my childhood I allowed myself to feel cared for.
Now, Joanna the way she would touch me running her fingers up the inseam around in the back, here and there- It did become erotic.
Getting measured for pants.
It's not entirely about sex, Denny.
It's about being touched in gentle intimate ways.
I suppose I'm starved for a little tenderness sometimes.
Mmm.
Never taking you fishing again.
You ever get lonely, Denny? What's with all this deep thinking? It's a simple question.
Do you ever get lonely? Do you? No.
You? No.
I guess we're both lucky that way.
You stinker!