Brickleberry s03e01 Episode Script
ObamaScare
Congratulations, Billy.
You win most handicapped.
[Cheers and applause.]
- This is bullshit.
- And now the award for coolest, most popular kid in school goes to Woody Johnson.
Did you forget something, son? [Laughter.]
The only award you'll win is weirdest looking balls.
Damn! His balls look like they mad at each other.
More bad news, Mr.
Johnson.
- I called your mother.
- No! Woody, you've been a bad boy.
[Roaring.]
Ah, ah, ah! - Woody! - No, mommy! Don't hurt me! - Ouch! - Don't hurt me, mommy! - Another nightmare? - Yeah.
Sorry, little buddy.
Oh, that's nice.
No, I'm sure "sorry" stops brain swelling.
Well, at least I didn't break my award.
[Screams.]
Brickleberry 3x01 - "ObamaScare" Good morning, rangers.
I got great news.
Jeez, Woody, you look terrible.
- Did you sleep last night? - I slept perfectly normal.
Yep, 20 minutes of sleep, Sounds like Ethel breaking in her vibrator.
Wait, I'm Ethel.
Sorry, I'm drunk.
Oh, enough about my night terrors.
So, that's why you're always so irritable.
- I am not irritable! - Tell that to your bowels.
[Chuckles.]
You get it? [Blows raspberry.]
Oh, ha ha.
I guess crohn's disease is funny now.
Oh, damn it, I just shit myself.
Anyway, I got great news.
You bought us all Betty White fleshlights? No.
You bought me a Betty White fleshlight? No.
Someone's coming.
I will be, if I get my Betty White fleshlight.
Shut up! President Obama is coming to Brickleberry.
Oh, no.
He found me.
- What are you talking about? - Obama is really into me, sexually.
- Can I shoot her? - Connie, stop being psycho.
Yeah, you expect us to believe that a black guy - could be into a fat, white woman? - Can I shoot him? - Do us a favor.
- Everyone, shut up.
The president is coming to honor me for 30 years' perfect attendance as a park ranger.
Hold on, I'm trying to give a [Bleep.]
.
No, not happening.
We gotta make sure that nothing happens to ruin my big day.
Denzel, you're in charge of security and Wait a minute, Woody, you don't even like Obama.
What? I love Obama.
Now, you and Connie are in charge of disposing of all my anti-Obama paraphernalia.
What's my assignment, Woody? Steve, you have the most important job of all.
I need you to travel to king's landing and bring me the head of tyrion lannister.
King's landing is that near the cheesecake factory? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
- But I'll miss your big ceremony, Woody.
Yeah, that's the point, dumbass.
There's no way I'm letting you embarrass me in front of the president.
When have I ever been an embarrassment? How about the time you got drunk at Christmas mass? - So you're a virgin, huh? - What?! I was talking to the donkey.
I can't believe Woody, of all people, is getting to meet the president.
Trust me, it's not that big of a deal.
[Donkey groans.]
Connie, do you really expect me to believe - that you know the president? - I do.
I worked on his campaign as the media consultant.
He wanted me so bad that he tried to fire me, but he couldn't because he was so hot for my body.
Wait a minute.
You're describing the TV show scandal.
I know.
They based that show on my life.
Connie, you've lost touch with reality again.
Remember that time you told everyone Oprah - was gonna leave Stedman for you? - She was! She said she wanted to make my clitoris the color purple.
What do you think, Malloy? I got these to impress the president.
- Do they make me look smarter? - Smarter than what? This table? No.
Denzel, what the hell are you doing? Security measure.
I've got to take this TV to my place to check it out for, uh North Korean dirty bombs.
Uh-oh, check the even bigger one in my bedroom.
Code red! Code red! - It's a Zenith.
- Oh, [Bleep.]
that shit.
- Hey, Woody, I got it.
- What the [Bleep.]
, Steve? You cut off Peter Dinklage's head? Yeah, just like you asked.
He kept screaming, "I'm just a bad actor! "It's a role I play on a television show! Ugh, why are you doing this to me?" [Laughs.]
But I just kept sawing.
Oh, fine, mount it with the rest of them.
- So can I go to your ceremony now? - No! I have another job for you.
I need you to dig an escape tunnel for the president - with this plastic spoon.
- Where to? Back to Kenya where he came from! - I mean, I love Obama.
- Hey, cool glasses.
[Nasal voice.]
Hi, I'm Professor Steve Williams.
- Give me those.
- Hey! [Both grunting.]
- My fake smart guy glasses! Steve! - Off to dig the tunnel.
I swear to God, if I have to spend another second with that dipshit, I'll shoot him.
So you think I should spend more time with Woody? - Absolutely.
- And once he gets to know me better and we become best friends, he'll invite me to his big ceremony? Of course he will, and make sure to use lots of rap lingo.
- Ah, he loves that.
- Thanks, Malloy.
Now, excuse me while I finish this tunnel to Kenya.
- I'm al - Can you tell us how to get to the cheesecake factory? Bodean, I can't believe Obama's coming here.
- Are you as pissed off as I am? - No, I voted for Obama.
- What did you say? - I said I voted for You been brainwashed! What's that shit you been watching again? - Downton Abbey.
- Brainwashed! Bodean, listen to me.
These liberals are screwing up our country.
They're gonna ban smoking and junk food, take our guns, and probably make us gay marry each other.
- I kind of like Obamacare.
- That's the worst part! Even I could come up with a better health care plan.
- Why don't you do it then? - Maybe I will.
Why the hell did you vote for Obama anyway? Because income inequality is a very significant social issue, and it's reinforced by a series of regressive tax reforms foisted upon us by right-wingers.
- I'm awake, Bodean.
- I know.
Thank you, Mr.
president.
No.
Thank you, Mr.
president.
No.
Thank you, Mr.
president! No, you're gonna screw it up, Johnson.
Hey, player, I thought wiggity-we should spend a little tiggity-time togevah.
Just Big Dubs and Run-DM-Steve.
Steve, I will murder you.
Wanna watch Willy wizzle and the chizzle fizzle? - I rented it on blu-rizzle.
- I'm warning you, Steve.
[Whispers.]
Give him the pie.
Oh, I made you a p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh- p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh- p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie! Yes! [gun cocks.]
Uh-oh, my p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie.
Oh, no.
Malloy, call an ambu-lizzle! [Groans.]
Woody, I have good news and bad news and super bad news.
What's the super bad news? [Sighs.]
Ben Affleck is the new Batman.
Who gives a shit?! What about me? Woody, you destroyed your liver, totally, well, [Bleep.]
It up.
The good news is, I have a donor liver right here.
- Oh, that's great, doc.
- The bad news is that according to page 2,242 of the Obamacare manual, this liver must go to a gay, illegal immigrant.
Holy shit, Fox News was right.
Woody, since we can't find you a liver, you'll be sharing one.
Share a liver? With who? - Hey, liver buddy! - What? You attached me to this moron? Why didn't you just put me on dialysis? Trust me, Woody, I tried.
Isn't that right, dialysis? Ain't nobody getting on dialysis unless they put a ring on it.
If you had to sew me to someone, why did you have to pick captain dumbass? Well, Woody, he was the only one who would volunteer.
- 'Cause that's what friends do.
- If you were a real friend, you would have just given me your liver and died! This is even better.
Now we can really get to know each other.
Doc, when can you saw this talking tumor off of me? - I got an event to go to.
- Let's see.
Actually, it says here that if a gay, illegal immigrant does not need the liver within 48 hours, huh, it's all yours.
- Great, just in time to get my award.
- Speaking of awards, have I shown you my Bruce Jenner "horrors of medicine" trophy? There goes our number one tourist attraction.
[Cell phone beeps.]
"Give me, give me some of that big, flappy ass.
" - Ew! Who is that from? - Ugh, Barack.
Let me get this straight.
The President of the United States of America just texted, "give me, give me some of that big, floppy ass"? - No, he said, "flappy.
" - Let me see that.
- There's nothing there.
- I know.
He used a snapchat.
Connie, you better cut out this nonsense before the president gets here, or you could get into some real trouble.
It's not nonsense, Ethel, I swear.
[Cell phone beeps.]
"Flap, flap, flappy ass.
Give me that big, flappy ass.
Give me, give me, flappy dappy, floppity, sucking titties.
" Snapchat.
Welcome to o'Bobbycare.
Now just sign here, and give me your premium.
- Okay, Bobby.
- This is easier than I thought.
As long as you don't get hurt, everything will be okay.
- I got a pencil stuck in my eye, Bobby.
- Jesus, Bodean, you gotta be careful.
Now I got two pencils stuck in my eye, Bobby.
Stop sticking pencils in your eye.
- Damn it, Bodean.
- What? Pens too? - Ow! - Oopsie.
[Both grunting.]
[Chuckles.]
- Steve, turn left.
- My left or your left? They're the same goddamn left.
[Grunts.]
Ah, [Bleep.]
.
[Both grunting.]
Shit! Steve, get your ass up! As you can all see, I have grown a dork.
Woody, tell me if this hurts.
[Screams.]
Shouldn't you two still be in the hospital? What? And ruin my perfect attendance record? Hell, no.
It's business as usual.
Now let's get ser [Laughs.]
- Tickle fight.
- Stop! I swear to God, Steve.
[Goofy voice.]
Why are you so mean, Mr.
Grumpy Lumps? Ahh! [Yells.]
Now let's have a [Bleep.]
party.
Denzel, security report.
I took all your electronics down to the pawn shop.
Uh, yeah, they defuse dirty bombs down there.
Good job.
Okay.
That's lunch, everybody.
Come on, liver boy, we're going to Hooters.
Sorry, I practice over lunch, and I can't miss it.
Practice what? - I like to sing a capella - All: # a capella # - Oh, I hate a capella.
- # Makes me a most happy fella # A capella sucks! Stop it.
Stop it.
- # I sing songs loud or mellow # - All: # a capella # - # all the girls' legs turn to jell-o # - All: # a capella # they can sound like How about I wash yours, and you wash mine? Nooo! Hmm.
Do you have insurance? Yep, he's right there.
Okay, here we go.
That'll be $1,200.
- $1,200? - Don't thank me.
Thank the greatest health care system in the world.
That's it, Bodean.
I am dropping you from o'Bobbycare.
Well, according to page one of the o'Bobbycare manual, - you can't do that, Bobby.
- Damn it.
Please tell me there's nothing else wrong with you.
Don't worry, Bobby I just got high blood pressure, high sugar, diverticulitis, colitis, gingivitis, Bieber fever, and sores on my Peter.
[Snores.]
No, no, mommy.
[Screams.]
Hush, little baby, don't say a word mama's gonna fry you a talking turd Wow, I don't know what you did, but that is the best night of sleep I've had since my mom starved me into a coma.
- I feel incredible.
- Wait till you try this.
[Chewing.]
It's like a coconut angel took a shit in my mouth.
- Thanks.
- You know what, Steve? I never thought I'd say it, but I'm starting to hate you a little less.
Be my, be my, be my, be my, be my, be my BFF All: # best friends forever, whatever we endeavor # our bond won't ever sever no matter whatso-whatsoever [All grunting.]
Best friends forever, whatever Whoo! Yeah! All: # together wherever # I'm happy settled in between be my, be my, be my, be my, be my, be my BFF oh, best friend _ Well, I guess our 48 hours is almost up.
If I had to be surgically attached to anybody, - I'm glad it was you, Steve.
- Really? Thanks, buddy.
Well, it's time, Woody.
Lucky for you, there's not one single gay, illegal immigrant who needs a liver today.
[Techno music.]
My liver exploded.
[Screams.]
Oh, not good.
Are you familiar with a medical term called "jinxing"? Yeah.
Looks like you'll be stuck with Steve for your event.
God damn it, no! How could this happen to me? Woody, what's the big deal? We'll just go together.
"What's the big deal?" I've told you a thousand times, Steve! I don't want you there! But I-I thought things were different now.
- I thought you liked me.
- Nothing is different.
I was just making the best of a shitty situation.
I don't like you, and I never will! You don't deserve a friend like me.
[Grunting.]
Can you fellows take this argument someplace else? I have an illegal to operate on.
[Groans.]
I need anesthesia.
Anesthesia? What you want, mother[Bleep.]
? I'm tryin' to sleep! Nom, nom, nom, nom, mmm, mmm.
- What the hell are you eating? - Raw bacon.
- You can't eat raw bacon.
- All right, then, I'll just drink this - Raw bacon makes me thirsty.
- Well, I'm banning big sodas, raw bacon, and anything else that'll [Bleep.]
you up, including guns.
Guns? What am I gonna put in my mouth when I jack off? - Why are you doing this, Bobby? - Because if you get sick or hurt, I'm gonna have to pay for it, you dumb son of a bitch.
You know what? O'Bobbycare took away everything I love.
Obama would never hurt me like this.
Oh! [music.]
Yeah, he's a real jerk.
I can't stand him.
No.
He's right next to me with his big, stupid Kathleen Turner mustache.
[Bleep.]
You.
That's not even a real phone.
See what I'm dealing with? Down syndrome? [Grunts.]
I've got a surprise for you, Steve.
What's in the box? I think we're all hoping it's Gwyneth Paltrow's head.
Oh, you'll see.
It's my plan to keep you from screwing up my event and make me look like a hero in the process.
Woody? Woody, no! No, no, no, no! What are you doing? [Motor running.]
[Screams.]
- Ah, here is the man of the hour.
- Hey, great to see you.
And who is your guest? This is a cancer kid.
I saved his life, had him sewn to me, so he could share my liver.
The cancer took his.
Dear God.
What's your name, son? [Grunts.]
[Gasps.]
Did I mention he's also a mute and pretty much brain dead? So he's brain dead and a mute? Well, he wasn't born a mute.
He had tonsil cancer.
Oh, I thought he had liver cancer.
Oh, he does.
He's getting it from both ends.
Cancer's running a train on this brain-dead bastard.
Well, have a splendid time.
[Whispers.]
This sucks.
I'll never forgive you for this.
You just keep your mouth shut.
You're not screwing this up for me, you annoying waste of space.
- Oh, hello, Senator Varnadoe.
- And who is this with you? Just a shit-for-brains cancer mute.
He'll be dead soon, so just pretend he's not here.
- Crab cakes, gentlemen? - Not for me.
I'm highly allergic.
Yes, this is truly an honor.
Whoa, did it get hot in here? - Mr.
Johnson, are you feeling okay? - Yeah, yeah, I never felt better.
Announcer: Attention, everyone, the president has arrived.
[Cheers and applause.]
Now remember, Connie, keep in touch with reality.
You'll see.
- Hello, Barry.
- Connie! - I'm sorry, do I know you? - You should.
You've sent me over a hundred dirty texts in the last week, you pervert.
[Laughs.]
Who is this guy? He's funny.
Leave me alone.
I mean it.
No, no.
[Groans.]
Hello, Connie.
Do you know how hard it was to pretend I didn't know you back there? I had to make up this stupid award just to get close to you.
No, Barry.
I've told you a hundred times, I'm a lesbian.
- Oh! - [Whispers.]
So was Michelle.
I like a challenge.
[Sniffs.]
You smell like a petting zoo on a hot Sunday.
- Stop it.
- I remember the first day we met.
I was intoxicated by that big, pasty ass.
I've been chasing that ginger dragon ever since.
Barry, you're a married man.
We can't.
Yes, we can, Connie.
Yes, we can.
[Knocking.]
Mr.
president, it's time to go on.
Damn.
I'll be right there.
I'll be back for that big flappy, dappy ass.
[Gibberish.]
Please welcome the President of the United States, Barack Obama.
It's a privilege to be here on this special day to honor a great American and one of our nation's majestic national parks, Brickleberry.
National parks are both big and beautiful - and flappy dappy.
- The man is a good speaker.
So, without further adieu, I'd like to introduce the man of the hour, accompanied by the brain-dead, mute cancer kid whose life he saved.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Woody Johnson.
Oh! Hey, look, it's Lena Dunham.
She's so brave.
Now, this man not only saves cancer-stricken children's lives, but more importantly, shows up for work every day, and so I present this award to you.
Thank you, Mr.
presid [Vomiting.]
[Music.]
U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! [All screaming.]
Oh, God, how did this happen? Hmm, it wasn't that tray of crab cakes I ate, was it? You did this? You son of a bitch, you ruined the best day of my life! You wouldn't have a life if it wasn't for me.
I just wanted to be your friend, and all you did was treat me like shit! - And you gave me cancer.
- I'm gonna kill you.
Not if I kill you first.
[Both grunting.]
Mr.
Johnson, I'm from Fox News.
I'd like to present you with our "man of the year" award for puking all over the president.
Well done, sir.
Oh, my God, I don't know what to say.
What an honor.
Well, this beats the shit out of a stupid presidential medal, and I owe it all to my friend Steve.
- We're friends? Really? - You bet, buddy.
Sorry for being such a dick.
I guess we all learned a good lesson today.
Why don't you wash that lesson down - with some delicious crab cakes? - Oh, great idea, Malloy.
No, Steve, no! I'm highly allerg [vomiting.]
- Hey, Bobby.
- I told you, Bodean, I'm flat broke.
- I can't take you to the doctor.
- That's okay, Bobby.
The pain will go away when I bleed out and die.
I sure do wish you had dependable health coverage like I do.
I didn't know you had health insurance.
Yeah, after I spent all that money on your medical bills and went broke, I qualified for Obamacare.
It's awesome.
Too bad there ain't no way to get on your policy.
Well, there is one way.
I now pronounce you husband and husband.
Have fun in hell.
[Cheers and applause.]
Well, good news, Bodean, you got insurance now, because we're officially married.
It ain't official until we consummate it.
[Screaming.]
Connie, you're lucky they didn't commit you.
I was telling the truth the whole time.
Barack really does want me.
[Cell phone ringing.]
Hello? Connie, I'm sorry I got swept away last night.
I'll be back for that flappy ass soon.
In the meantime, I sent a present to tide you over.
Let me guess.
That was "Barry," right? Yep, and he said he sent me a present.
I wonder what it could [Cell phone beeps.]
Ew.
Gross.
Obama sent me a dick pic.
- It's just a black screen.
- It's a close up.
[Screams.]
You win most handicapped.
[Cheers and applause.]
- This is bullshit.
- And now the award for coolest, most popular kid in school goes to Woody Johnson.
Did you forget something, son? [Laughter.]
The only award you'll win is weirdest looking balls.
Damn! His balls look like they mad at each other.
More bad news, Mr.
Johnson.
- I called your mother.
- No! Woody, you've been a bad boy.
[Roaring.]
Ah, ah, ah! - Woody! - No, mommy! Don't hurt me! - Ouch! - Don't hurt me, mommy! - Another nightmare? - Yeah.
Sorry, little buddy.
Oh, that's nice.
No, I'm sure "sorry" stops brain swelling.
Well, at least I didn't break my award.
[Screams.]
Brickleberry 3x01 - "ObamaScare" Good morning, rangers.
I got great news.
Jeez, Woody, you look terrible.
- Did you sleep last night? - I slept perfectly normal.
Yep, 20 minutes of sleep, Sounds like Ethel breaking in her vibrator.
Wait, I'm Ethel.
Sorry, I'm drunk.
Oh, enough about my night terrors.
So, that's why you're always so irritable.
- I am not irritable! - Tell that to your bowels.
[Chuckles.]
You get it? [Blows raspberry.]
Oh, ha ha.
I guess crohn's disease is funny now.
Oh, damn it, I just shit myself.
Anyway, I got great news.
You bought us all Betty White fleshlights? No.
You bought me a Betty White fleshlight? No.
Someone's coming.
I will be, if I get my Betty White fleshlight.
Shut up! President Obama is coming to Brickleberry.
Oh, no.
He found me.
- What are you talking about? - Obama is really into me, sexually.
- Can I shoot her? - Connie, stop being psycho.
Yeah, you expect us to believe that a black guy - could be into a fat, white woman? - Can I shoot him? - Do us a favor.
- Everyone, shut up.
The president is coming to honor me for 30 years' perfect attendance as a park ranger.
Hold on, I'm trying to give a [Bleep.]
.
No, not happening.
We gotta make sure that nothing happens to ruin my big day.
Denzel, you're in charge of security and Wait a minute, Woody, you don't even like Obama.
What? I love Obama.
Now, you and Connie are in charge of disposing of all my anti-Obama paraphernalia.
What's my assignment, Woody? Steve, you have the most important job of all.
I need you to travel to king's landing and bring me the head of tyrion lannister.
King's landing is that near the cheesecake factory? - Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever.
- But I'll miss your big ceremony, Woody.
Yeah, that's the point, dumbass.
There's no way I'm letting you embarrass me in front of the president.
When have I ever been an embarrassment? How about the time you got drunk at Christmas mass? - So you're a virgin, huh? - What?! I was talking to the donkey.
I can't believe Woody, of all people, is getting to meet the president.
Trust me, it's not that big of a deal.
[Donkey groans.]
Connie, do you really expect me to believe - that you know the president? - I do.
I worked on his campaign as the media consultant.
He wanted me so bad that he tried to fire me, but he couldn't because he was so hot for my body.
Wait a minute.
You're describing the TV show scandal.
I know.
They based that show on my life.
Connie, you've lost touch with reality again.
Remember that time you told everyone Oprah - was gonna leave Stedman for you? - She was! She said she wanted to make my clitoris the color purple.
What do you think, Malloy? I got these to impress the president.
- Do they make me look smarter? - Smarter than what? This table? No.
Denzel, what the hell are you doing? Security measure.
I've got to take this TV to my place to check it out for, uh North Korean dirty bombs.
Uh-oh, check the even bigger one in my bedroom.
Code red! Code red! - It's a Zenith.
- Oh, [Bleep.]
that shit.
- Hey, Woody, I got it.
- What the [Bleep.]
, Steve? You cut off Peter Dinklage's head? Yeah, just like you asked.
He kept screaming, "I'm just a bad actor! "It's a role I play on a television show! Ugh, why are you doing this to me?" [Laughs.]
But I just kept sawing.
Oh, fine, mount it with the rest of them.
- So can I go to your ceremony now? - No! I have another job for you.
I need you to dig an escape tunnel for the president - with this plastic spoon.
- Where to? Back to Kenya where he came from! - I mean, I love Obama.
- Hey, cool glasses.
[Nasal voice.]
Hi, I'm Professor Steve Williams.
- Give me those.
- Hey! [Both grunting.]
- My fake smart guy glasses! Steve! - Off to dig the tunnel.
I swear to God, if I have to spend another second with that dipshit, I'll shoot him.
So you think I should spend more time with Woody? - Absolutely.
- And once he gets to know me better and we become best friends, he'll invite me to his big ceremony? Of course he will, and make sure to use lots of rap lingo.
- Ah, he loves that.
- Thanks, Malloy.
Now, excuse me while I finish this tunnel to Kenya.
- I'm al - Can you tell us how to get to the cheesecake factory? Bodean, I can't believe Obama's coming here.
- Are you as pissed off as I am? - No, I voted for Obama.
- What did you say? - I said I voted for You been brainwashed! What's that shit you been watching again? - Downton Abbey.
- Brainwashed! Bodean, listen to me.
These liberals are screwing up our country.
They're gonna ban smoking and junk food, take our guns, and probably make us gay marry each other.
- I kind of like Obamacare.
- That's the worst part! Even I could come up with a better health care plan.
- Why don't you do it then? - Maybe I will.
Why the hell did you vote for Obama anyway? Because income inequality is a very significant social issue, and it's reinforced by a series of regressive tax reforms foisted upon us by right-wingers.
- I'm awake, Bodean.
- I know.
Thank you, Mr.
president.
No.
Thank you, Mr.
president.
No.
Thank you, Mr.
president! No, you're gonna screw it up, Johnson.
Hey, player, I thought wiggity-we should spend a little tiggity-time togevah.
Just Big Dubs and Run-DM-Steve.
Steve, I will murder you.
Wanna watch Willy wizzle and the chizzle fizzle? - I rented it on blu-rizzle.
- I'm warning you, Steve.
[Whispers.]
Give him the pie.
Oh, I made you a p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh- p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh- p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie! Yes! [gun cocks.]
Uh-oh, my p-cuh-p-cuh-p-cuh-pie.
Oh, no.
Malloy, call an ambu-lizzle! [Groans.]
Woody, I have good news and bad news and super bad news.
What's the super bad news? [Sighs.]
Ben Affleck is the new Batman.
Who gives a shit?! What about me? Woody, you destroyed your liver, totally, well, [Bleep.]
It up.
The good news is, I have a donor liver right here.
- Oh, that's great, doc.
- The bad news is that according to page 2,242 of the Obamacare manual, this liver must go to a gay, illegal immigrant.
Holy shit, Fox News was right.
Woody, since we can't find you a liver, you'll be sharing one.
Share a liver? With who? - Hey, liver buddy! - What? You attached me to this moron? Why didn't you just put me on dialysis? Trust me, Woody, I tried.
Isn't that right, dialysis? Ain't nobody getting on dialysis unless they put a ring on it.
If you had to sew me to someone, why did you have to pick captain dumbass? Well, Woody, he was the only one who would volunteer.
- 'Cause that's what friends do.
- If you were a real friend, you would have just given me your liver and died! This is even better.
Now we can really get to know each other.
Doc, when can you saw this talking tumor off of me? - I got an event to go to.
- Let's see.
Actually, it says here that if a gay, illegal immigrant does not need the liver within 48 hours, huh, it's all yours.
- Great, just in time to get my award.
- Speaking of awards, have I shown you my Bruce Jenner "horrors of medicine" trophy? There goes our number one tourist attraction.
[Cell phone beeps.]
"Give me, give me some of that big, flappy ass.
" - Ew! Who is that from? - Ugh, Barack.
Let me get this straight.
The President of the United States of America just texted, "give me, give me some of that big, floppy ass"? - No, he said, "flappy.
" - Let me see that.
- There's nothing there.
- I know.
He used a snapchat.
Connie, you better cut out this nonsense before the president gets here, or you could get into some real trouble.
It's not nonsense, Ethel, I swear.
[Cell phone beeps.]
"Flap, flap, flappy ass.
Give me that big, flappy ass.
Give me, give me, flappy dappy, floppity, sucking titties.
" Snapchat.
Welcome to o'Bobbycare.
Now just sign here, and give me your premium.
- Okay, Bobby.
- This is easier than I thought.
As long as you don't get hurt, everything will be okay.
- I got a pencil stuck in my eye, Bobby.
- Jesus, Bodean, you gotta be careful.
Now I got two pencils stuck in my eye, Bobby.
Stop sticking pencils in your eye.
- Damn it, Bodean.
- What? Pens too? - Ow! - Oopsie.
[Both grunting.]
[Chuckles.]
- Steve, turn left.
- My left or your left? They're the same goddamn left.
[Grunts.]
Ah, [Bleep.]
.
[Both grunting.]
Shit! Steve, get your ass up! As you can all see, I have grown a dork.
Woody, tell me if this hurts.
[Screams.]
Shouldn't you two still be in the hospital? What? And ruin my perfect attendance record? Hell, no.
It's business as usual.
Now let's get ser [Laughs.]
- Tickle fight.
- Stop! I swear to God, Steve.
[Goofy voice.]
Why are you so mean, Mr.
Grumpy Lumps? Ahh! [Yells.]
Now let's have a [Bleep.]
party.
Denzel, security report.
I took all your electronics down to the pawn shop.
Uh, yeah, they defuse dirty bombs down there.
Good job.
Okay.
That's lunch, everybody.
Come on, liver boy, we're going to Hooters.
Sorry, I practice over lunch, and I can't miss it.
Practice what? - I like to sing a capella - All: # a capella # - Oh, I hate a capella.
- # Makes me a most happy fella # A capella sucks! Stop it.
Stop it.
- # I sing songs loud or mellow # - All: # a capella # - # all the girls' legs turn to jell-o # - All: # a capella # they can sound like How about I wash yours, and you wash mine? Nooo! Hmm.
Do you have insurance? Yep, he's right there.
Okay, here we go.
That'll be $1,200.
- $1,200? - Don't thank me.
Thank the greatest health care system in the world.
That's it, Bodean.
I am dropping you from o'Bobbycare.
Well, according to page one of the o'Bobbycare manual, - you can't do that, Bobby.
- Damn it.
Please tell me there's nothing else wrong with you.
Don't worry, Bobby I just got high blood pressure, high sugar, diverticulitis, colitis, gingivitis, Bieber fever, and sores on my Peter.
[Snores.]
No, no, mommy.
[Screams.]
Hush, little baby, don't say a word mama's gonna fry you a talking turd Wow, I don't know what you did, but that is the best night of sleep I've had since my mom starved me into a coma.
- I feel incredible.
- Wait till you try this.
[Chewing.]
It's like a coconut angel took a shit in my mouth.
- Thanks.
- You know what, Steve? I never thought I'd say it, but I'm starting to hate you a little less.
Be my, be my, be my, be my, be my, be my BFF All: # best friends forever, whatever we endeavor # our bond won't ever sever no matter whatso-whatsoever [All grunting.]
Best friends forever, whatever Whoo! Yeah! All: # together wherever # I'm happy settled in between be my, be my, be my, be my, be my, be my BFF oh, best friend _ Well, I guess our 48 hours is almost up.
If I had to be surgically attached to anybody, - I'm glad it was you, Steve.
- Really? Thanks, buddy.
Well, it's time, Woody.
Lucky for you, there's not one single gay, illegal immigrant who needs a liver today.
[Techno music.]
My liver exploded.
[Screams.]
Oh, not good.
Are you familiar with a medical term called "jinxing"? Yeah.
Looks like you'll be stuck with Steve for your event.
God damn it, no! How could this happen to me? Woody, what's the big deal? We'll just go together.
"What's the big deal?" I've told you a thousand times, Steve! I don't want you there! But I-I thought things were different now.
- I thought you liked me.
- Nothing is different.
I was just making the best of a shitty situation.
I don't like you, and I never will! You don't deserve a friend like me.
[Grunting.]
Can you fellows take this argument someplace else? I have an illegal to operate on.
[Groans.]
I need anesthesia.
Anesthesia? What you want, mother[Bleep.]
? I'm tryin' to sleep! Nom, nom, nom, nom, mmm, mmm.
- What the hell are you eating? - Raw bacon.
- You can't eat raw bacon.
- All right, then, I'll just drink this - Raw bacon makes me thirsty.
- Well, I'm banning big sodas, raw bacon, and anything else that'll [Bleep.]
you up, including guns.
Guns? What am I gonna put in my mouth when I jack off? - Why are you doing this, Bobby? - Because if you get sick or hurt, I'm gonna have to pay for it, you dumb son of a bitch.
You know what? O'Bobbycare took away everything I love.
Obama would never hurt me like this.
Oh! [music.]
Yeah, he's a real jerk.
I can't stand him.
No.
He's right next to me with his big, stupid Kathleen Turner mustache.
[Bleep.]
You.
That's not even a real phone.
See what I'm dealing with? Down syndrome? [Grunts.]
I've got a surprise for you, Steve.
What's in the box? I think we're all hoping it's Gwyneth Paltrow's head.
Oh, you'll see.
It's my plan to keep you from screwing up my event and make me look like a hero in the process.
Woody? Woody, no! No, no, no, no! What are you doing? [Motor running.]
[Screams.]
- Ah, here is the man of the hour.
- Hey, great to see you.
And who is your guest? This is a cancer kid.
I saved his life, had him sewn to me, so he could share my liver.
The cancer took his.
Dear God.
What's your name, son? [Grunts.]
[Gasps.]
Did I mention he's also a mute and pretty much brain dead? So he's brain dead and a mute? Well, he wasn't born a mute.
He had tonsil cancer.
Oh, I thought he had liver cancer.
Oh, he does.
He's getting it from both ends.
Cancer's running a train on this brain-dead bastard.
Well, have a splendid time.
[Whispers.]
This sucks.
I'll never forgive you for this.
You just keep your mouth shut.
You're not screwing this up for me, you annoying waste of space.
- Oh, hello, Senator Varnadoe.
- And who is this with you? Just a shit-for-brains cancer mute.
He'll be dead soon, so just pretend he's not here.
- Crab cakes, gentlemen? - Not for me.
I'm highly allergic.
Yes, this is truly an honor.
Whoa, did it get hot in here? - Mr.
Johnson, are you feeling okay? - Yeah, yeah, I never felt better.
Announcer: Attention, everyone, the president has arrived.
[Cheers and applause.]
Now remember, Connie, keep in touch with reality.
You'll see.
- Hello, Barry.
- Connie! - I'm sorry, do I know you? - You should.
You've sent me over a hundred dirty texts in the last week, you pervert.
[Laughs.]
Who is this guy? He's funny.
Leave me alone.
I mean it.
No, no.
[Groans.]
Hello, Connie.
Do you know how hard it was to pretend I didn't know you back there? I had to make up this stupid award just to get close to you.
No, Barry.
I've told you a hundred times, I'm a lesbian.
- Oh! - [Whispers.]
So was Michelle.
I like a challenge.
[Sniffs.]
You smell like a petting zoo on a hot Sunday.
- Stop it.
- I remember the first day we met.
I was intoxicated by that big, pasty ass.
I've been chasing that ginger dragon ever since.
Barry, you're a married man.
We can't.
Yes, we can, Connie.
Yes, we can.
[Knocking.]
Mr.
president, it's time to go on.
Damn.
I'll be right there.
I'll be back for that big flappy, dappy ass.
[Gibberish.]
Please welcome the President of the United States, Barack Obama.
It's a privilege to be here on this special day to honor a great American and one of our nation's majestic national parks, Brickleberry.
National parks are both big and beautiful - and flappy dappy.
- The man is a good speaker.
So, without further adieu, I'd like to introduce the man of the hour, accompanied by the brain-dead, mute cancer kid whose life he saved.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr.
Woody Johnson.
Oh! Hey, look, it's Lena Dunham.
She's so brave.
Now, this man not only saves cancer-stricken children's lives, but more importantly, shows up for work every day, and so I present this award to you.
Thank you, Mr.
presid [Vomiting.]
[Music.]
U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! U.
S.
A.
! [All screaming.]
Oh, God, how did this happen? Hmm, it wasn't that tray of crab cakes I ate, was it? You did this? You son of a bitch, you ruined the best day of my life! You wouldn't have a life if it wasn't for me.
I just wanted to be your friend, and all you did was treat me like shit! - And you gave me cancer.
- I'm gonna kill you.
Not if I kill you first.
[Both grunting.]
Mr.
Johnson, I'm from Fox News.
I'd like to present you with our "man of the year" award for puking all over the president.
Well done, sir.
Oh, my God, I don't know what to say.
What an honor.
Well, this beats the shit out of a stupid presidential medal, and I owe it all to my friend Steve.
- We're friends? Really? - You bet, buddy.
Sorry for being such a dick.
I guess we all learned a good lesson today.
Why don't you wash that lesson down - with some delicious crab cakes? - Oh, great idea, Malloy.
No, Steve, no! I'm highly allerg [vomiting.]
- Hey, Bobby.
- I told you, Bodean, I'm flat broke.
- I can't take you to the doctor.
- That's okay, Bobby.
The pain will go away when I bleed out and die.
I sure do wish you had dependable health coverage like I do.
I didn't know you had health insurance.
Yeah, after I spent all that money on your medical bills and went broke, I qualified for Obamacare.
It's awesome.
Too bad there ain't no way to get on your policy.
Well, there is one way.
I now pronounce you husband and husband.
Have fun in hell.
[Cheers and applause.]
Well, good news, Bodean, you got insurance now, because we're officially married.
It ain't official until we consummate it.
[Screaming.]
Connie, you're lucky they didn't commit you.
I was telling the truth the whole time.
Barack really does want me.
[Cell phone ringing.]
Hello? Connie, I'm sorry I got swept away last night.
I'll be back for that flappy ass soon.
In the meantime, I sent a present to tide you over.
Let me guess.
That was "Barry," right? Yep, and he said he sent me a present.
I wonder what it could [Cell phone beeps.]
Ew.
Gross.
Obama sent me a dick pic.
- It's just a black screen.
- It's a close up.
[Screams.]