Broad City (2014) s03e01 Episode Script

1 Let 'em say what they gonna say They gonna feel how they gonna feel And I love it (whistling) I love it Baby hey (flushing) You should too (moaning) So let 'em say what they're gonna say My God They're gonna feel how they're gonna feel (flushing) But I love it Yeah I love it And baby hey You should too Yeah, yeah.
I'm just as thick as my skin is I feel the water rolling down my back Precipitation's so repetitive - I read this all before - Hello? (crashing) Move to the sound Swish all around A palate cleanser for your salty mouth (honking) (crackling) I know They'll never get enough They don't get it they don't get it But if you're giving it Then don't you change 'Cause living was the best revenge Let 'em say what they gonna say (farts) They gonna feel how they gonna feel - And I love it - What the (bleep), Bevers? - I love it and baby - I'm sorry.
Hey you should to (singing loudly) So let 'em say what they wanna say They gonna feel how they gonna feel (bubbling) But I love it Yeah I love it And baby hey You should too You should too Four and three and two and one-one Abbo, party of two.
Abbo.
Oh, sorry.
Do you mean "Abbi?" Your table's almost ready.
But we can't seat you unless you're all together.
Unless you're here just by yourself.
Aww.
No, see? She's real.
'Kay, I'll be right Hey, dude.
Hey, I'm sorry I was late.
I got into this depressing article matrix about these Saudi women who have to ask their "keepers" permission to leave the house.
Like, please.
I just was so pissed, I had to blow off some steam and masturbate first.
Uh Cool Listen, we gotta hurry up.
We're gonna lose the table.
- I've been waiting.
- Really sorry, you just would not have wanted to see me if I hadn't masturbated.
(keys clang) - Oh no - Oh no! - (Abbi) Oh, no! You see it? - (bleep) - I see it.
It's right there.
- I want to jump in there.
There's no It's so deep.
Ew! There's no way you're gonna reach the bottom.
(gagging) (host) Abbo! You want the table or not? Okay, we gotta go back to these Saudi women.
Dude, I can't even believe it.
They need written permission from their male guardians That's what they call their husbands, to let them go outside of their house.
Like, they're trapped unless they get written permission.
- So (bleep) up.
- People don't know about this.
They need to wake up to the injustices of the world.
Ugh! The bottomless mimosas aren't on the menu anymore.
- Are you kidding me? - No, they're nowhere.
- There was no sign.
This is so unfair! - God.
- Sorry, we did not order sparkling water.
- No! It's complimentary.
We'll have two more bottles, please.
Thanks so much.
(woman speaking Italian) New York is Europe.
I love it.
Every time I walk down the street, I'm like (imitating Italian) Do German.
Loch! Ach! Australian.
Oyuh! Spanish.
(imitating Spanish) Do Chinese.
Are you kidding? No.
- It's 2016, dude.
- No.
That's my bad, I'm sorry.
Anyway, so about tonight, I want to get into the plan.
- What's tonight? - I told you last night.
The gallery opening.
My roommate from college? Smelly pussy Donna? No, and I'm still sorry that I told you that.
No, my other roommate Max Anne.
She got her first painting in a gallery, she's been working forever, and I read in TONY (haughty chuckling) - Time Out New York.
- Love it.
That the warehouse sale is this weekend and I need to find something cool to wear.
No, you don't.
You look sexy and vivacious and artsy and like, young wife material, but, like, taut, and teasy still.
It's a perfect combo.
I mean, it's okay.
It's, like, urban.
- Like Urban Outfitters.
- Got it.
Thank you.
To my frond To the ond.
And to free sparkling water.
(tapping) Mmm That's classy.
(belching) Very.
Dude, just trust me.
Chill.
- Come on.
- Gum is so repulsive.
It is cow cud.
You want the key back or not? Trust me.
Here we go.
Oh! Ugh! Ugh! Here we go.
Oh, my God.
Genie! You are a genius.
This is Depression-era (bleep) right here.
- There it is.
- You see it? You're so close.
- Okay, do you see? - Yo, we got this.
- It's right there.
- A little lower.
- It's so close.
- Maybe like north Ow! Oh (bleep)! (metal screeching) (both screaming) (tearing) Get off of me! - Get up! - Oh, my God! - I got you! - Dude! - What the (bleep)? - What was that? What the (bleep) was that? - Was that a train? - I don't know.
I can't go like this.
Well, now you have an excuse to buy something.
Honestly, that's the best way to shop, desperate and in a time crunch.
Well, what about the key? I'll figure it out.
You know, having this 12-pound chain around my waist for a few hours is nothing compared to the metaphysical chains of those Saudi women and their "keepers.
" Totally.
All right, well, let's pee first, you know, just to be safe.
Oof, smart and sexy.
She is unreal, this girl.
(man) She really is.
(loud chewing) Sorry, we don't have any tables available.
The next available table is in about an hour.
Oh, no, we're actually just gonna use the bathroom.
The bathroom is for customers only.
We're customers.
We just had brunch.
So if you came here two months ago, that just makes you entitled to piss here whenever you'd like? The next table is available in an hour and 45 minutes.
- You just said it was in an hour.
- Caught you, pretty girl.
And even if it wasn't an hour, we will never be patrons at this place ever again.
Unless we're planning a birthday, because the garden is perfect for large parties.
- Yeah.
- All right.
Have a great day, Abbo.
Perfect.
(angry chatter and distant shouting) (screaming) (grunting) - (woman) Give it! - (man) Take it easy.
Excuse me, where's the bathroom? We don't have bathrooms.
We don't even have dressing rooms.
This is a pop-up, bitch! (yowling) Oh, no! (weeping) Does this look artsy to you? I have a girlfriend.
Yeah, well, so do I.
She's right here, with the ugly hat on.
Oh.
(scoffs) Hey, do you love this hat? - Forget it, it's gone.
Forget it.
- Okay.
Is this perfect for tonight or what? Very much, yes.
No doubt, though, by the quality some nine-year-old girl was forced to work, day-in and day-out, she's breathing in the fumes, you know, her little fingers perfect for sewing, but also perfect for getting stuck in that sewing machine.
It's 90% off.
You know, if you don't buy it, what was all of that for? All right, cool.
- Yeah.
- Great.
Mine! That's my old shirt.
Yeah, sure it is, bitch.
- What? - I don't like the energy here.
Jeez.
Man, someone was just telling me about this crazy article.
- Yeah.
- By someone, I mean the Internet.
Oh, my God.
They forgot to take the security tag off.
(bleep) Come on! Fine, we have to go back, dude.
Why does this (bleep) always happen to me? It's like I don't know.
My therapist doesn't know either.
What the (bleep)? My therapist is gonna love this one.
Jeez.
(Ilana) Oh, God, I gotta go so bad.
- (Abbi) Yeah, me too.
- You know what? I'm just gonna pee here.
I can't wait anymore.
(rattling) (clearing throat) Hi.
How you doing? Squats Um, unlock the hips.
- See that? - Yeah.
God, cops scare the (bleep) out of me, and I'm white.
(cell phone vibrating) Oh, it's Lincoln.
You take it.
I'm gonna go into the store and see if they can take this off.
Cool.
- Hey, bwa.
- (Lincoln) Hey, grah.
You coming? Not yet.
Say something filthy.
Ilana, did you forget my graduation is today? No.
Na We're close, on our very way.
- All right.
- Cool, see you soon.
Bye.
(alarm ringing) - Hey.
- How'd it go? Yeah, uh, pretty good.
Also, they think I stole this, the cops are coming.
Alright, got it.
- Okay.
- All right.
And I am boarding.
- Okay, and I am - Wait, wait, wait.
- Boarding.
- Boarding.
- I'm aboard.
- Aboard.
A few steps, a few steps, and then we start a pedal.
One second.
Few steps, and then we start a'pedaling.
Dassit.
Oh, this is really nice.
(car horn honking) Oh (both) (bleep) you! First, tape the back of the tag, where the ink cartridge is located.
You don't want it exploding and ruining your new clothes.
Next, you're gonna want a hacksaw.
A hammer.
A vice.
Some heavy duty pliers.
Well, I don't have a vice.
I don't have any of that stuff.
Oh, he's up.
(Abbi) Yeah, Lincoln! Woo! - (Ilana) Hey, Lincoln! - Hey! (cheering) - Looking good! - I'm about to do it! Circus, babe! Just be careful, though! (Abbi) Oh! Ooh! Whoa! (ropes creaking) (Ilana) Woo! Oh! (both cheering) Yes! (both) Yes! (laughing confidently) - Amazing.
- You saw me? - I was flying, you guys Oh! - Oh, my God.
That was awesome.
But, uh, why are you-you doing this? I saw it on an episode of "Sex & the City.
" Yes! The Miranda in me thought, I'm out of my comfort zone, but the Carrie in me couldn't resist, so I did it.
(Abbi) You know what? I'm really a Miranda-Carrie, too, I think.
Yeah? With, like, a little bit of Charlotte, even though she really annoys me.
- Yeah, me too.
- Who am I? Honey, I have a cyst on my uterus and I need to get (bleep) until it pops.
Samantha Jones.
Sometimes I'm happy about it and then other times I'm like, it's gross.
Uh what's up with that chain? I lost the key.
Ilana! Phone, keys, wallet.
P-K-W.
I know.
I repeat it all the time.
- I just dropped it in a sewer, okay? - A sewer.
You also look like a DMX video extra, I might add.
Thank you.
Well, me and the other swingers - Get it? Swingers? - Yeah, we got it.
We have a dinner reservation at KOI, but I'll totally bail if you need some help with that goofy-ass chain.
You know, as a woman, I feel it's important to cast this chain off myself.
I respect your choices.
(cell phone vibrating) Yeah, Ma, I did it.
It was great.
Later, y'all.
I gotta pee so bad, dude.
Okay, me too.
Got it? Oh, my bladder is quivering.
Do you know Steve Jobs stunk and cried all the time? I did not.
Ilana, look! (Ilana) Ugh, men working.
A woman-free zone.
Just another sign, literally, of women's oppression.
No, I'm talking about the port-a-potty.
Oh smart.
I'm gonna go first.
I'll go second.
(loud, steady splashing) Damn, bitch.
Oof.
Pelvic floor strength, Gaga.
Bikinis, all of my bikinis.
- (Abbi) Oh, no! - Boquenas, boquenas.
- Oh, my God! - I don't know what boquenas are.
Come on! Ilana! Abbi! I am in the potty! There's someone in the potty! Hey! Oh! (bleep) (shrieking) This is how I die.
This is it.
It's coming down! It's coming down! It's coming down! Hey! It's down, it's down! You're on the ground! Oh (bleep)! (splashing) (Ilana) It's down! It's down, come on, come on! Hey, you're down! You're back! - Get out! Oh (bleep).
- Oh, my God.
(bleep) - Oh, Jesus.
- Okay, okay.
- You got it.
- Okay.
All right.
Watch out.
Oh, my God.
Oh! What the You went up and over.
That was insane.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my gosh.
- Oh, my God.
What the (bleep)? - That was crazy.
I I don't even (laughing) Dude, I almost, like, just got taken, to, like, a factory for port-a-potties.
That was the scariest thing I've ever seen.
(truck starting) Oh, shoot, get off.
- My God, I can't.
- Ilana, wait, dude, get off.
- I I'm stuck, dude! - Come on! - The chain is stuck! - Ilana! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! - Ilana! - Abbi! - I mean, Ilana! - Abbi! Abbi! Ilana! (Ilana) Oh! Ilana, I got you! I'm coming! (bleep) - I got it! - I'm gonna die! I'm (bleep) dead! Hold on, just hold on! No, you gotta Come on! Hey! Hey! What? My friend is stuck on the back of your truck.
(quiet moaning) Also, what, are you watching porn while you drive? Oh, don't judge me.
You're the one wearing the stolen shirt.
Okay, it's not stolen.
I'm letting her out.
Why don't you just finish? If you can.
- Nice ass! - Yeah, I know! - Hey.
Are you okay? - Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God - Let me get you off of this.
Okay, it's okay, okay, okay, okay.
- Oh, God.
- Okay.
Up, up.
All right, it's okay.
Let's get married.
What was that? - What? - What You said something.
- I didn't hear what you said.
- No, you said You said something.
No.
- Okay.
Thank you for - We have Oh, my God, you saved me.
Okay, we need to get this off.
This is insanity.
You just got stuck to the back of a truck.
All right, well, why don't you Do you want to pee first? And we'll find a I did.
Okay.
It's okay.
It'll dry.
It'll dry.
It's sterile.
Oh, Bike-el Jackson.
No one took you.
Ilana, it's getting really late.
I mean, maybe we can go to Duane Reade and get me, like, an undershirt or something? - Undershirt? - I don't know if we should even go.
Dude Who cares about a stupid little tag? Artists aren't judged by what they wear.
Look at Joss Stone.
She's a genius and she's never even worn shoes.
- All right, I'm back in.
- I knew it.
- Yeah.
- You rule.
(music playing) (Ilana) Whoa.
- This is nuts.
(Abbi) - Yeah, this is legit.
She did it, she did it.
Damn.
I could have done that.
Chain belt.
V.
bold.
Enchanté.
(woman) Abbi! (laughing) (whispering) That's Max.
- (Max) Hi! - (Abbi) Hi! Oh, my God! I'm so glad you're here.
How are you? You look so cool.
- Oh, stop.
I look ridiculous.
- Yeah, man.
But you know, it's good to have a look around here.
Boy, do I know it.
This is Ilana.
- Hi.
Nice to meet you.
- I recognize you from Abbi's Instagram.
- That means so much to me, thank you.
- Thank you.
It means so much to me that you guys are here.
Dude, so? Is this it? - This is it.
- Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
- It's - Be honest, what do you think? It's I mean, it's I get it.
- Like, I understand it, completely.
- Me too.
- I get it, too - You get it? - Yes.
- I painted it with the end of a feather.
Not the end that you write with, with the soft end of a feather, so it actually took me two-and-a-half years.
Wow.
This is, like, a real gallery, dude.
- They don't even serve food.
- It's so crazy.
But you know what? Honestly, Abbi, you could so easily be here, too.
Seriously.
Has Abbi ever told you about her line landscapes? - She doesn't tell me much.
- Oh, my God, she's so humble.
They're so surreal, but at the same time, they were so real.
You think so? And at the same time, they were so surreal.
But at the same time, they were They were just so real.
Oh.
Stop it.
- It's true.
- Um so is Donna here? Oh, my God.
I didn't tell you? - What? - Okay, so you know how after senior year, all of my clothes were missing? All of my clothes.
- That is so sad.
- Uh, yeah.
How could I forget.
It was nuts.
So last year, I see Donna walking down the street, wearing the sweater that my grandmother made me.
Shut up.
(whooping) So I confronted her on it and we had this huge fight and now we don't speak.
I mean, who steals clothes? Honestly? Trashy.
Trashy Person.
Yeah.
(gagging) Oh, Abbi, that's the curator.
She would love your stuff.
I'm gonna go run over and grab her, I'm gonna bring her back here and introduce you two.
- That would be amazing.
- Oh, this is perfect.
I love you, dude.
You're so talented, and you're the best.
You look so hot.
(bleep) We gotta get this thing off me.
She's gonna think I stole all her (bleep) clothes.
My therapist is gonna have a field day.
Maybe if I just, like, pull the fabric? Like, we gotta get this off.
You know what My teeth.
My teeth are huge, come on.
Huge and sharp.
Shh, shh! (popping) (gasping) (screaming) No! (crying, clapping) (silence) Sh She didn't steal it.
Get out! (Abbi) No, Max Anne, no.
Come on.
Come on.
How could you? (crying) No, Max Anne - Get out! - No! Stop touching it and go! Okay.
I (Max Anne) Go! Go faster! So sorry.
(clanking) - Of course.
- Ilana Get off the balls.
It is a magnet.
Help me now.
Get off of it.
Use your upper body strength.
Help her get off of it and go! Oh! Okay.
Okay.
You don't need to steady it, just go.
Go! You're a bitch! Congrats.
(sobbing) Let's do this.
It's hard for me not to feel sexual at all.
Ilana, can you just, like, suck your titties in a little bit? If I had control over my titties like that, I'd make them the same size.
Come on, gravity, you (bleep) bitch! Come on! (beep) Oh, come on! - We are so close.
- God! - Jesus, Ab! - I'm trying, I mean I mean, my hand's in.
- Okay.
I got it, Yes!'s coming.
- Oh, it's happening.
- Oh, my God! - Yes! - God! - Jesus! Tell me that isn't sexual.
You're bleeding, dude.