Call Me Fitz (2010) s03e01 Episode Script

the car crash, the afterlife, and the Amish.
I can take whatever that shadowy motherfuck dishes out and throw it back twice as hard.
I need your help.
I'm putting a team together to take this mystery fucker down.
If I was selfish there is no way I'd let a hot piece of ass like you marry a half-sack like Chester Vince.
But I can't sell the dealership.
Numbnuts is a partner.
So is that lanky white shadow of his, and my maggot ex-wife.
But you are the majority partner! So long, suckers.
Miami or bust.
Beaver Moon Saloon? You've been sleepwalking! It's you! The only thing you have to do to the Beaver Moon is cancel the hit that you placed on yourself! Too late, fuckers.
Richard, thank God you survived! Once again, bourbon saved the day.
Finally, everything's comin' up Fitzy.
Ring-a-ding-ding.
Check that adorable shit out.
From the moment I was born, it was obvious that Fitzy had what it took to be number one.
Sex appeal.
Fuckload of charisma.
Jesus, Kid.
You stink.
And always being in the right place at the right time.
Mmmm When God gives you this much awesome, you have no choice but to be king T-minus awesome, Richard.
Almost ready to cut the ribbon.
Are the strippers here? One plays the lute! Olives? Stuffed.
Bed in the VIP lounge? I chose not to notice.
Of course you didn't, you flaccid albino.
But I did, and everything's ready to roll.
Let's do this.
Real primo crop.
Same stuff the boys had backstage at the Sands.
Nice.
Hey! Valet's that way! Nice place you got here, Fitz.
It's always ladies' night at the Summerwind, Officer.
And here's an opening night present.
Oh, that's nice.
the municipality of Coverton environmental survey endangered speckled titmouse This is a demolition order! Bull shit.
You're not gonna tear down my place for some fuckin' mouse.
I think it's a bird.
Mouse.
Bird.
Who cares? It lives here.
It's endangered.
And this is its protected - It's a fucking parking lot.
You got enemies in high places, Fitz.
All right! Everyone! Party's over! Clear out or we'll start checking parole orders! Whoa! Whoa! Where are you all going? Come on guys.
Drinks half price! First round only.
No top shelf.
A raid, and we're not even open yet.
Fuck.
Bulldozers rolling in.
Those city fucks want to start the tear down tomorrow.
Old man's in Miami, Meghan's rotting in the psych ward, Mom's AWOL, who else would want to fuck with me? You'd think the city would rally around its most wholesome citizen.
I make you bar manager and that's the thanks I get? Yeah.
A real thanks would have been a moat.
With mermaids.
You made her manager? Who makes your coffee in the morning and cleans up the vomit from the night before? If anyone should be number two it's me.
You're always number two to me, Larry.
That's a poop joke! You're not management material, Larry.
And you never will be.
That is patently untrue and false and a big fat lie! Can we please focus here people! My future is on the line.
And my six month plan.
My pride.
My courage! No, that's the Cowardly Lion.
What do I get to lose? Your ass if you don't figure out a way to sabotage that bulldozer stat.
On it.
No way I'm going to let some stupid mouse stop me.
Fuck city hall.
It's about time this town had a decent place to drink.
To the titmouse, Asshole.
Fuck.
clean the back seat for you.
No, I'm good.
Bye.
Again, you do not make the sale? Again, they are asking for Fitz! But, the Ruptals ascended to power six months ago! You guys seen my blow torch? Thought I was using it the other day Cousin, what is he doing here? We have fired him many, many times.
You want me to remove him? I'm your elder - It is my duty to allow you to learn.
Found it! Fine.
Let us decide in the way Cousin Rulalabab chooses suicide bombers.
Rock, papers, pipe bomb.
Perhaps we will do what he did before he left for flight school.
Ignore the enemy until he goes away? Beautiful.
Ring-a-ding-ding Answer the phone What do you want? Hey, Jackass.
You flat on your face yet? Not as flat as your saggy ass.
Hey - they sell waterproof Depends in Miami? I get more pussy and blow at 65 then you ever will.
Right, that's why you're calling me.
Things sound awful quiet.
Business must be booming at that lounge of yours.
It is and you can forget about ever getting a reservation, you cancerous puss nugget.
That's the best you got? Hey! Can someone bring me a scotch! I'm Ken fucking Fitzpatrick! This is a nail bar, Asshole.
I'll let you get back to your boyfriend.
Get the car.
Legs! Where are we going? As the old saying goes: If someone tries to fuck up your dream lounge then you fuck back harder.
Funny, I don't know that one.
Amateur.
Shotgun! But I always get shotgun.
City Hall - the hallowed tower of opportunity! Teach these fuckers to mess with Fitz.
Larry, go shit in this bag.
Ew! That's your plan? That's only the first part.
Then, we light it on fire.
That's unsanitary.
Finesse, morons.
This is politics.
You need an 'in.
' Otherwise it's red tape this, procedure that Fuck procedure.
Richard you owe thirty-six-hundred dollars in parking fines.
You walk through those doors, you could be arrested.
Something a certain someone should have known if she were on top of things Fine.
You're the conscience.
Go in there and say sorry and shit.
Dot Foxley! Melody Gray! I haven't seen you since you slept your way through student council.
I'd heard you lost the back forty.
The botox looks great, by the way.
You can barely see the paralysis.
Who is this bad boy? Call me Fitz.
Hubby? Oops - no ring.
She stole my job as bar manager! Bar manager? Oh, Hon, night jobs are tough at our age.
With three kids, stay at home hunk and a successful journalism career it's all deadlines and mommy duty for me.
I could use a mommy.
Yeah, so could my eight year-old but I'm here for yet another Fundraiser My God, I am so sick and tired of people raising awareness about things.
If it's not some new disease then it's an endangered animal.
What the heck is a titmouse, anyway? Uh, you know Richard is most amusing at parties.
You have no idea.
Really? Well, maybe you could be my plus one.
Looks like I found my "in.
" That worked out well, didn't it, Dot? Blow me.
Open bar? This is how they spend my tax dollars? If you paid taxes.
Keep it down! First rule of politics.
You want something done, you gotta know who to drink with.
And marry a man who lets Mommy swing.
Listen, Gray.
I am not going to let you fuck or fuck over my business partner.
A little coincidental that you just happen to run into the one man who'd make for great copy if he goes ape shit at this fundraiser.
I know! "Local low life vs.
City Hall" - super catchy, right? Like the herpes you gave the chess club.
Richard, any one of these power hungry titans could be the villain threatening to ruin your dream - and shoe-in for City Councilor - Chester Vince! Or it could be exactly the douchebag we expected.
Heartbreaking cry for help, isn't it? Would you believe there are only twelve of the little guys left? Rest assure, little Titmouse, the good people of Coverton will not let the vice and filth of this town destroy you! Care to comment? No! Perhaps you could give us a moment.
Simple fucking math.
He shuts down my bar.
I tear his tiny nuts off.
Anyone with a magnifying glass feel free to tag along.
Richard, wait! Pummelling Chester won't get you back the Summerwind! Let's test that theory.
The last thing we need is to give ammo to Melody Gray.
She faked incest to get a poem in our yearbook.
My my, look whose petty high school rivalry is tarnishing Richard's reputation? How are you gonna help, you oversized Chia Pet? Stand around, talk about feelings? I'm a sensitive man with gentle solutions.
Who knows nothing about politics.
I should be number two! Richard, would you please let your conscience lead for once, and -- New plan.
- You want a shot at Dot's gig.
- Yes! Go find out whatever you can from that milquetoast Chester.
And try to blend, for Christ's sake.
What the fuck? You want to keep your job? You do whatever it takes to get your buddy to turn that story in my favour.
'Course I love the titmouse.
That's why I built my bar there! Done! And I'll do what I do best.
Get us arrested? Work my own connections.
From the inside.
Run from the tiger You've got to run really fast.
Run from the tiger Or he's gonna bite your Whoa! Hey, guys! Wow, does this ever look like a bomb for something that's clearly not a bomb.
It's a clock radio.
Ignore him, cousin.
Attached to road flares and a detonator.
To wake me up.
It's like they can't see me! Okay.
I see what's going on.
I think it is working, Cousin! Very soon, the Fitzpatrick lover will see common sense and he'll be gone.
Operation Black Out I'm invisible! Yeah! Oh no! Leaving so soon? Are they out of donut holes? Oh, Melody.
I could stand here all day and reminisce about your original nose but why don't we talk about how your little news story is going to get Richard Fitzpatrick his bar back.
Excuse me, but I'm an ethical journalist.
I only report the news I manufacture.
Here's news: you do not want to go to war with me.
Honey, your size two panties don't fool me.
Look at your life.
Now look at mine.
I have a plan.
Bar manager at a sleazy lounge.
That is some plan.
Oh Foxley, that's always been your problem.
You keep aiming low and you'll never hit the bulls-eye.
So you actually went and married that ass cracker? You mean my decent responsible husband with a promising future? Then a belated toast to the bride.
Double scotch for the lady.
Nothing for me.
Why don't you just do or say whatever horrible thing it is you're inevitably about to say or do to me.
Get it over with and go.
Please.
Sure.
As soon as you tell that yeast infection you call a husband to stay the fuck out of my way.
Closing my bar isn't going to score points with any voters.
Chester's run for office has nothing to do with your sleazy lounge.
Yet he sends a bulldozer in lieu of flowers.
That's a coincidence.
Chester promised that you were out of our lives.
It was in the vows.
I know it's hard for you to believe, but I am over you.
Then walk away.
You walk away.
If that's what you want, I will.
But it's not gonna help you get over me.
I can, however, help you get under me Thank you so much Great to see you.
All the best.
We should have known you were behind this titmouse treachery.
Uh No smoking.
Oh, sorry.
If you're here about that degenerate's bar, I don't know anything about it.
What has Richard ever done to you? Aside from repossessing your car, bankrupting you having relations with Ali on your wedding day.
Richard Fitzpatrick is a scourge.
An alcoholic used car salesman, nothing more.
A man so loathsome and foul, even his own parents can't stand him.
All true, but he has great potential and you can't stand in our way.
Says who? Says Larry.
Would you excuse me? "Muh muh scuse me?" Oh God! What have I done? Genie's beard! The hummus is Yes, this is very good hummus! The secret ingredient is the garlic.
Delicious, actually.
Looks like I have a date with the bulldozer! I'm invincible! I have seen the heart of darkness! Breathe, dead mouse! Breathe! This is what I get for trying to be something that I'm not! I'm not management material.
I'm not a smoker.
I'm just Larry! Oh, Titmouse - if you live, as God is my witness, I promise I will be a good and true conscience, without ego, without You're alive! It's a miracle! You've saved me from my own personal Armageddon and you deserve to be free! You must be free! Fly, you winged, beautiful - Flightless bird.
Ahh! We could do this all night, toots.
.
Or you call your boy off my bar, then I show you around the new place.
Some decent booze.
You can grill up a coupla steaks.
You're amazing, Fitz.
Really one of a kind.
That sounds like a yes to me.
You may be able to sell lemons to cougars and geriatrics but you don't know how these people operate.
Trust me - you're out of your league.
Like hell I am.
Ladies room.
Five minutes.
Oh, Fitzy, you're cute and all, but I'm super hot and ambitious.
And this is City Hall.
I don't do civilians.
Richard, you look upset, are you okay? Great! Awesome! Let's just get in the car and drive.
You have my keys, dick-jam.
Oh, nice.
You were just going to ditch me in there? The endangered titmouse is protected by federal law, and I killed it! You killed the fucking bird? What kind of a conscience are you? Now is not the time for more Larry bashing.
Nobody's more critical of me than me.
Let's just get in the car and drive before Chester calls the authorities.
And let that eunuch get in the way of Fitz's dream? Ooo, my name is Dot and I have a manager's title and a point! Yes, I do have a point.
The Fitz I know is a low-life scumbag who lives his life exactly the way he wants.
Who cares if he's not married, has no real career and a lot of excess skin from losing a hundred and thirty pounds! What the fuck? There may be only twelve speckled titmice left - Eleven.
But how many Richard Fitzpatrick's are there? One.
I'm an original.
Last of a dying breed.
Stop encouraging him.
Yeah, I'm one of a kind Ring a ding ding, baby.
Ring a ding ding.
Hey baby, if you really think I don't have what it takes to play in the big leagues, then you won't need to come by the Summerwind at 3 pm.
And you won't bother bringing that wad of bread dough you married.
I'd hate for you to find out he broke your vows.
An-And just so you know, I played with myself while I left this message.
And I'm still naked.
Get your hands off me.
Okay, but what about my idea to acknowledge the titmouse who sacrificed his life for this moment? Yeah, whatever.
Cameras here? I'll show her a plan.
And where the fuck is Josh? Alibear, you said we were going for fro-yo! Chester, did you have anything to do with Fitz's bar closing? What? No.
That's ridiculous.
Good, then you shouldn't have any trouble hearing him out.
You had your day on stage.
It's only fair that he should have his.
They killed my bird! Okay.
Hey, thanks for making it.
You seem to have found your clothes.
Easy to lose, baby.
Don't make me resent you any more than I already do.
Resent me? Why would you resent me? You should really lay off the bar snacks, Toots.
Richard, let's do this! Speech.
Colour coded.
Inspirational doodles in the margins.
Richard! Uh, you probably heard of me.
I'm Fitz.
Richard Fitzpatrick.
Hottest pre-owned car salesman this side of Detroit.
I'm also a pistol in the sack, and no, I won't remember your name in the morning.
But you know what I will remember? Your favourite brand of gin.
How you like your steak.
And I'll never sit your mistress and your wife at the same table.
You wanna know why? Because I'm the last of a breed.
As a friend once said - One of a kind.
Bla bla blah Fuck the titmouse.
Me and my buddies are the species that need to be protected.
We need a natural habitat, a place to call our own, a place where we're safe.
A place off your streets where we can listen to Frank and get our drink on.
But Chester Vince doesn't think we deserve that.
He wants to shut me down.
Invisibility the ultimate weapon! You want leadership? The line starts behind me.
You want sex appeal? Boom.
You want protection from the enemy? I'm your man, not that pussy Chester Vince.
This is good He wants progress? I want to live.
And have a good time doing it.
Fuck parking tickets and by-laws.
Let's make this city fun again.
Richard Fitzpatrick isn't just a used car salesman and a bar owner I'm a fuckin' leader.
And that's why I'm running for city council.
That's right.
This is my city.
And this is my party, baby.
Because with Fitz on council, everyday is open bar! Fitz! Fitz! Fitz! Nothing can stop us now, Buddy! Oh, no you don't, Richard Fitzpatrick.
That is my seat in Council.
Mine! Chester no - Calm down - Chester! Come back! You can see me? All of you! Oh, for fu--! Stop this thing! Stop doing that! Can't stop it! Dynamite stuck in the - Oh God! I'm sorry, Vincent! Chester! I'm so sorry Vincent! I'm so sorry! What the fuck, Josh! Not my bar! Fuck! Reporting live from the Summerwind Lounge, where local businessman Richard Fitzpatrick has once again driven an honest man to the depths of depravity.
City Council? We'll see This is Melody Gray! This is most fortunate.
Fitzpatrick scum gets what he deserves.
And now that he is running for office, we will not see his face around here ever, ever again.
Booyah! Richard, like the death of the titmouse, the destruction of your life-long dream is merely a small setback on our path to greater glory.
Shut the fuck up, Larry.
Campaign office.
Back garage.
Now.
I'm going because I have to pee.
Not because you're the boss of me.
You going to help me win this thing? Oh, Fitz.
Everyone knows it's the woman behind the man who holds the cards.
You're going to win it for me, it's my new long term plan.
Whatever gets you wet.
Not a chance in hell, Cowboy.
You got my vote, Councillor.
And, he's back.
How about I show you my election platform? Okay.
There it is.
What do you think of that? Yeah? Yeah.
Oh yeah.
Vote Fitz, baby.
Fitz for City Council! Oooh! Yeah!