Catastrophe (2015) s03e01 Episode Script

1 - - Olivia's made a serious complaint against you.
She no longer feels comfortable working with you.
What? The truth is your marriage wasn't a fucking funfair 100% of the time, so you had to have yourself a little escape hatch pussy at the ready.
How's it going, lads? Yeah, I was just saying, do you know who you look like? Your PE teacher? I was just partying if you want to come out.
You ever been up on the roof of this place? It's pretty cool.
You can see for like 1000 miles.
Come on, let's go.
I love a good roof.
As I look at you, all the reasons I fell in love with you have come flying back so much that I think I might throw up.
(THEY BREATH HEAVILY AND GRUNT) I love you! What happened last night? There's a huge chunk of it I can't remember.
You went off with your man.
- Can I help you? - I need Plan B.
Like a morning after pill.
What the fuck? What? - What? - Yeah, what? Nothing.
Well, that didn't seem like nothing.
Well, sometimes things aren't always what they seem.
(SHARON LAUGHS) - OK, Alan Turing.
- Who? - Alan Turing.
Jesus, Alan Turing - Yeah, yeah, I know who he is.
He's the gay codes guy that the government murdered.
They didn't murder him, they castrated him.
And then he killed himself.
I hate this fucking country.
Frankie's sheets smell of pee.
I forgot to change them.
- This whole room smells like piss.
- (SHARON LAUGHS) Yeah, but baby pee's still lovely really, isn't it? It's not a baby, he's three.
He eats steak.
It wasn't all, like, adult piss which is made of, like, red wine and thrush.
What's wrong with your face? Are you farting? You look creepy.
Actually, I'm really concerned I might do something crazy if you can't satisfactorily explain to meet what the fuck this is.
What? Well, I don't know, what is it? Is that a receipt? Yeah! - It's a receipt, all right.
- Well, can I see it? You can have it.
I took a picture of it.
Oh, it's a It's a receipt for the When we had sex, in Victoria Park.
I was ovulating and you did a very big load in me and I know I was ovulating, cos I can always tell because my tits were much bigger than normal.
You've probably noticed.
Well, they were.
And I, I didn't want to get into a big debate about it, because we'd only just got back together and, you know, I don't want another baby, do you? No way.
- What? - You're fucking kidding me with all this? What are you trying to imply? Because if you're implying what I think you're implying, that's fucking nuts and rude.
Rude? What are you, a fucking Bront-ee sister? Bront-ai.
Bront-ai sister.
What do you think I'm implying, Sharon? Uh I don't actually even Because it's so I can't even What, you think I slept - with someone else or? - Did you? Don't be nuts.
That's nuts.
Tha Rob! Where are you going? - Burger King.
- Rob! (DOOR SHUTS) I don't know what I was thinking.
That was crazy.
I worked it all out on a napkin at Burger King and I did do a big load in you, that's true.
We didn't use protection, that's also true.
I just I thought it smelled like a lie.
I don't know how to say it any other way than that.
I'm sorry.
(SHARON SIGHS) Well, you don't need to be sorry, I Look, what isn't crazy is that in the past, when I've needed the morning after pill, it has been a discussion.
And why wasn't it a discussion this time? Sorry, I'm just, I'm trying to No, no, it's fine.
It's because, honestly, I barely thought about it.
I mean, I'm thinking about it way more now than I did then, because then I just sort of, you know, just did it.
I was in the pharmacy buying toothbrushes and shit and I remembered the big load and, you know, I just got the pill.
I even forgot the toothbrushes.
- You forgot the toothbrushes? - (SHARON LAUGHS) I just used a new toothbrush.
Yeah.
I got those in the supermarket with the weekly shop! Right.
- Where's the receipt for those? - What? I don't save receipts for everything, do I? I'm not talking Bob Cratchit.
OK.
Well You should be saving receipts! You know, it's hard enough for me to do British taxes without you not bothering to save receipts.
Well, I will now.
OK? Jesus.
(SHARON SIGHS) Do you want to watch a Better Call Saul? No, I just want to nestle into your bosom, cos I feel stupid.
Aw.
(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) - Hello? - Hey, um Kate, look, I'm, I'm in a bit of trouble.
Fuck sake.
Well, what happened now? Well, nothing, it's just that Shit.
Hey.
Who were you on the phone to? Harita.
She wants to meet.
- That's good, isn't it? - I don't know.
We'll see.
But it's lunch at Tanaka, so I don't care what she has to say.
I'm going.
Well, just, you know, whatever you decide, it's your decision.
I just want you to be happy and Frankie can always get his old job back at Nike.
You just want me to be happy? That's new.
No, it's not new! Why wouldn't I want my husband to be happy? And look, I was thinking, I could look into going back to work again, you know, take a bit of the pressure off.
- Right.
- Oh.
Merry Christmas to me.
What's stopping you from coming back? Mostly just the false sexual harassment charges.
They weren't charges, it was just a complaint, which Olivia withdrew.
- She was just having some fun with you.
- Yeah, it was a lot of fun.
You should also know that she's just accepted a position at the Brussels office, so that's no longer a reason to not come back.
- What about Margaret? - Why, do you want to fuck her as well? No, but she knows, so now I hate her too.
Who else knows? Does Tina from R&D know? Because she was unnecessarily vocal when I ate all those hot cross buns that she brought in that her daughter baked one time.
I didn't know they were home-made.
Because they were terrible.
Why did you eat them all if they were terrible? That's not the point.
Margaret knows, OK? And that's it.
- And Tina.
Tina knows too.
- Oh, come on! - Would you like another tea? - Yes, please.
- I'll have a Tom Collins.
- What's in that? Bartender'll know.
- Oh, is it like gin and lemon juice? - Yep.
Look, I don't know how long I'll need a jolly white American man to sell my ideas, hopefully not forever, but right now I do.
So, why don't you take the rest of your leave of absence, unpaid, I'm not a charity, and see how you feel in a few weeks? I'll have to think about it.
I mean, you know I didn't do anything wrong, right? - Doesn't matter to me.
- It doesn't matter to you? What you offer the company is more important to me than whether or not you tried to fuck a very fuckable co-worker.
How are the kids? (ROB NOISILY SLURPS) Well, I've thought about your offer and I've decided that I would rather stick these chopsticks up my asshole.
You're not jerking it under there, are you? No.
OK.
Just checking.
How'd it go with Harita? She offer you your job back? Yep.
- You going to go back? - No.
I'm going to find another one.
(SHARON SIGHS) Why do you smell of cheese and onion crisps? I thought you had sushi.
- I was still hungry.
- OK.
How long are you going to stay in bed for? Just till tomorrow.
So, just the 17 hours.
Well, I've got to go out in a bit, so you're going to have to get up and do the kids' supper and bad time.
- Where are you going? - Oh, just I'm going to a concert with Melissa.
It's a fundraiser for a kids' homeless charity refugee thing she volunteers for.
- I promised I'd go with her.
- What kind of concert? It's chamber music I think.
It'll be shit.
Wow.
You're going to a chamber music concert with Melissa? Where? On the South Bank I think.
We're meeting at a bar before.
She's got the tickets.
Oh, and Frankie's watching Million Dollar Baby.
I sort of put it on by mistake and now he's really enjoying it very quietly, so OK.
Have fun at your concerto.
OK.
Get up.
- Hey, why don't we give you a ride? - No, I'm grand.
- I'll just get the Tube.
- No, it'll be fun.
We'll give you a ride.
Don't be silly.
I'll see you later.
(ROCK BAND PLAYS) Passed out for hours but I want you to stay - Two margaritas.
- No, one margarita.
And a Coke.
No way! It took two buses and a half a mile walk along the canal in kitten heels to get here.
You're having a drink.
Two margaritas.
Thanks for doing this.
Yeah, no problem.
Nothing to stay home for.
Ian and I haven't shagged in weeks.
- Aw.
- He's asked me to start paying rent.
(SHE LAUGHS) I wouldn't mind, but the toilet on the boat is broken.
You can barely flash half a turd down at a time.
I'm thinking of moving back to Ireland.
I miss my girls.
- Aw, well, that's great.
I'm delighted.
- Yeah.
I've followed my fanny for long enough! Also I'm Facebook friends with this roofer from Monaghan.
I'm going to hook up with him when I go back.
Look at him.
Little rock star.
Good body.
How is he in the sack? (PHONE BEEPS) (SONG FINISHES) (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Hey, youse were great.
Look at us.
Groupies! - Hey.
- Oh, hi.
Oh, how's it going? - Uh, did you catch the full set? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Yeah, really good.
Really good.
You guys are, em You've got all the drums and the guitars, the whole kit.
Microphone.
Do you want a drink? Ask the rest of the band.
Call them over.
Oh, here, I'll call them over.
Hey, do you want some shots, lads? - We made out.
- So we just kissed? Well, yeah, then, you know No, I swear to God I don't, I don't know.
- You took it out.
- I took it out? - My dick.
- Your penis? - Whatever, yeah.
- Christ.
Oh, fucking hell.
I took it out and did what? Well, nothing really.
Every time you went near it you looked like you're going to gag.
Oh, God.
Then you told me what you were going to do.
What? What was I going to do? You were going to get some poppers, whatever they are, and some weed and then you would come back.
I gave you 40 quid, you didn't come back.
OK, I didn't come back No pressure, but if you did want to give me that money back, that'd be great.
Er, I am at uni.
You looked at a cock for, like, a tick.
You examined it.
Big deal.
- It's fine.
- It's not fine.
I handled a penis that doesn't belong to my husband.
I held it.
I felt its pulse probably.
Rob's never done that.
- (KATE LAUGHS) - Oh, you know what I mean! He's never just, like, "Oh, I'll put my hand down this stranger's "pants and give her a little pat.
" Give me a fag.
I need to smoke.
Every time Rob does something nice now, fucking anything, if he makes me If he makes me a cheese sandwich I'll be like, "Oh, great, "a lovely cheese sandwich made for me by my husband who I betrayed with" Oh, God, I probably touched my children with fresh penis on my hand.
(KATE LAUGHS) - I'm going to have to tell him.
- What? No, you can't tell him.
Stick with the lie.
Seriously.
I mean, if you undo a lie you've already told, then really you're just lying again.
The regrets I feel every day for not saying I was buying all that lube for a friend.
I'm not helping! (KATE CRIES) - I don't want to be a liar.
- You don't want to end up like me.
That's my only bit of advice.
Lie.
For the kids.
What do you want to do now? (SHARON MOANS) (MUSIC: You Fucking Love It by Dirty Pretty Things) (THEY MOAN) (THEY MOAN) (KATE MOANS AUDIBLY) (THEY MOAN) (SHE SIGHS) (ROB SNORES) (SHARON SIGHS) (ROB STIRS) I love the sound of breaking glass Especially when I'm lonely I need the noises of destruction When there's nothing new Oh, nothing new Sound of breaking glass.
I think you should tell him.
But if I don't tell him, he might not find out.
And if I do tell him, chances are he'll fucking find out because I'm telling him.
Lies are like a child hiding in a cupboard you're always going to find them, but if you wait too long, you might just find a little corpse.
- Jesus! - Plus, you're a terrible liar.
I remember at uni when you said you hadn't slept with Dr.
Schiff.
- We knew you had.
- I didn't sleep with him! - Him? - Oh, Dr.
Yeah.
No, I did sleep with her.
- Not really, though.
- Didn't that feel good? Yeah.
I mean, it was all right, got it out my system, but - I meant telling the truth.
- Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sure.
Right, I have to go because my life coach has just arrived.
- OK, sure, well, can? - Bye! be the best-looking person, but be ugly in yourself and it makes you unattractive.
(SHE FARTS) So, you found a receipt for a pill you've bought in the past and you've got an uncomfortable feeling in your tum-tum.
That's it.
Why didn't she tell me? I mean Do you tell her every time you pop to Boots for a tube of haemorrhoid cream? I'd understand if she'd bought a fucking speed boat without telling you it's a wee morning after pill! What else was she supposed to do? You said yourself you blew an historic load into her - in a public park.
- We have a wavelength.
We communicate verbally and non-verbally.
And something feels fucked up and not right.
OK, let me ask you something can Sharon hide what she's feeling about anything? - No.
- OK, I wanted you to say it.
So you are going to find out, one way or another, sooner or later.
If she's done nothing wrong, bully for you.
If she has, strangle her, throw her in a bog, and when the police ask if I know anything, - I'll tell them to get fucked.
- (HE SNORTS) How are you otherwise? Never better.
- I finally got Moirin down.
- Great.
Frankie fell asleep holding a potato.
Little weirdo.
Do you, er? Do you want me to make you something? I didn't think anybody would see this, but now that you have, fuck it.
- What did you get up to today? - I saw Chris, then I went to a movie.
- What, on your own? - Yep.
Why? I just felt like being alone.
What's the matter? Nothing.
- Stop it.
- Stop what? You're giving me the massive cold shoulder.
Why are you doing that? - You're making me feel shit.
- I'm not making you feel anything.
Well, then, you're projecting your - bad mood onto me or - Am I? At least I'm not getting secret electrolysis on my nipples.
Oh! What? That was a special offer You're going through my e-mails.
You've never done that before.
Why now? Who are you doing that for? - Me! I'm tired of plucking them.
- It takes a second! It takes more than a second and it was a special offer.
And did you have a fantastic time at your chamber music concerto - on the South Bank with Melissa? - You're being so fucking suspicious.
Secret birth control, secret professional grooming You're the one who got caught lying.
(THUMP, CHILD CRIES) Oh, shit! Oh, God.
What happened? Oh, no, he's cut his eye.
He's cut his eye! It's not OK! - Where did you park the car? - I'm trying to remember, Christ.
- Did you not use it last? - No.
Rob, where's the car? - I think Currie Street, I think.
- Fuck's sake.
Taxi! Taxi.
Thank you.
What the fuck?! Your light was on, I got your plate number you take us seven blocks to the hospital or I'm going to jump through this window and make you eat your fucking coin purse.
Thank you! I'm sorry, honey.
I don't know what's wrong with me.
I'm paranoid.
I mean, I feel When we were apart I took the morning after pill cos I was worried I'd slept with a guy I met in a club.
I was so fucking drunk I couldn't remember if I'd done anything or not.
Like, all I remember is going up on the roof.
But, look, the good news is that I didn't need to take the morning after pill cos, as it turns out, I didn't have sex with him.
- Right.
- I mean, I should have known.
I gave my knickers a good sniff the next day and they just smelt like, you know, normal bad.
Hello there.
Erm, so, do you want to tell me how you hit your head, then? - Um - We were downstairs in the kitchen Sorry, actually, just need to hear it from Frankie, if that's OK.
- I fell off the chair in the bathroom - Nothing happened? Well, I mean, nearly nothing.
Like, close to nothing.
If the choices are nothing and (SHE MOUTHS) You know, you can pretty much round it down to nothing.
I guess he - I guess he kissed me - He kissed you.
He kissed you so you were like, "Mm! Mm!" So he forced himself on you.
Did you file a police report? I mean, a man kissed you against your will OK, we kissed, apparently.
Erm, do you know if Frankie has vomited at all? - Erm, no, he hasn't.
- OK.
What did you mean, apparently? - Pardon? - Oh, I'm talking to her.
- So sorry.
- I can only go by what he told me, OK? Hey, no-one wants to know what happened with me.
- You went to see him? - Just to find out what happened! What happened? I handled his penis.
OK, someone else's penis, but that is as bad as the story gets.
I took a man's penis out of his pants and I I looked at it.
But, like, for a second.
But apart from that, nothing happened.
OK, well, Frankie has been good enough to tell me what's happened.
We'll see if it needs a little stitch but probably not, by the looks of it.
Can I get his blood type? - Erm, he's, erm He's type O.
- Right, OK.
- When was his last tetanus shot? - It was five months ago.
Okey doke.
It was the day after he went back to nursery.
Right.
A squirrel bit him.
Oh.
You're a fascinating person, you know that? I mean, you're multifaceted.
You're a genuinely good mother you handled that lady doctor really well, you were calm, you asked all the right questions Considering what a shit wife you are, it's a fascinating collision of skills.
- I'm not a shit wife.
- What if I cut open my eye? I mean, best, best case scenario, you'd let me use your Oyster card.
- That's not true! - Yes, it is.
And then you'd text me a shopping list while I'm in the emergency room.
Do you want to break up with me? Do I want to break up with you? What are we, 14? Well, what do you want to do? I know you think I'm a terrible person, but I guess I was angry.
Don't do that, don't blame me.
I was upset about the money you gave Fergal and the French hussy and the fact that, you know, you wouldn't apologise or admit that you'd done anything wrong.
And, you know, it's a tough time.
There's a lot of Brexit, you know? Your new president.
Don't put that on me! Well, I'm just saying, it's a tough time.
Fuck you for a second, OK? Fuck your guilt or whatever.
The bottom line is, they need a mom, and I hate the idea of whatever you did with him less than I love them.
And what are the other options? I leave you, I split up our family? I'm just going to have to suck it up, aren't I? OK.
- What did he look like? - What did he? - Was he black? - No.
Why? What difference would that make? - Well, you said he wasn't, so - No, but why? Because I've seen your browser history, OK? It's primarily black guys and fat Johnny Depp, and I can't compete with that.
You You don't have to compete.
And the fat Johnny Depps, I was just fascinated - I don't want to hear it.
- OK, I'm sorry.
Sorry.
I mean What now? I don't know.
I guess over time I'll have to learn to forgive you.
Right.
Over how much time? I don't know, I guess it'll take two or three months? A season? Season.
- What are you doing? - I'm just I'm just trying to work out if we'll be OK by my birthday.
No! I'm thinking we might be OK by - Thanksgiving? - When's that? Look, it's all right.
I'll look it up.
Do you want me to sleep on the sofa? Or we could sleep in the same bed but just, you know, head to toe.
No, I don't want you to lacerate my face with your White Walker toenails.
Do you still love me? Actually, yeah, maybe you should sleep on the couch.
(MUSIC: Catastrophe Theme by Oli Julian)