Childrens Hospital (2010) s03e01 Episode Script

Oh, man! The ball rolled under the fence! Go get it, Scott.
No way! That's quicksand! If you go, we'll let you play "German soldier girl prisoners" with us again.
Okay.
- Whoa! - Scott! Help me! Attention, hospital staff.
Reminder: It's Saturday, which is not all right for fighting.
Repeat, not all right.
Oh, I hate the weekends.
It's so lonely.
I've got a live one here! I got a thirteen-year-old sinking in quicksand.
I managed to isolate the quicksand around him and then put it in this trough, but there's not much time.
Well, who's going to treat him? Doctors don't work on the weekend! He will sink by Monday! Well I'm just gonna have to call the team back together again.
The team? Get me Cat Black on the phone.
We are all tested.
This better be good, Sy.
It's the weekend.
Quicksand? I'll be right in.
Eventually, our number comes up.
Quicksand? Crap! I'll be right there.
Someday, we all get the call.
Phone for you, Mr.
Childrens.
Sy Mittleman from the hospital.
I knew this day would come.
Tell them I'll be right in.
I'm in a Tron-like world right now, Sy.
What's up? Quicksand? Be right there.
No, I don't know any Sy.
You must have the wrong number.
What? Sy? Give me that.
Sy, this better be good.
It's the Sabbath.
Oh, that is good.
It doesn't matter who you are.
This city needs a hero.
With great power comes great responsi Oh.
Got to get that.
Hello? Oh, hey, Sy.
No, I'm not busy.
Yeah.
See you soon.
It takes all kinds of people: Butchers, bakers, - even seashell shellers Seashell sellers - Seashell seller.
Sea Sell sheller.
God.
Oh, hold on.
It's Sy.
Can we reschedule? - Well, we're in the middle of the - Hey, listen! I am a doctor, and I don't have time to argue with a voice-over coach! Seashell seller Quicksand, our old nemesis.
Just once I'd like to have a kid brought in here in a trough full of quicksand and put one in the win column for "us.
" Where's Lola? I'll be super-pissed if she's in a Tron-like world right now.
Who cares where she is? She's pretty dumb anyway.
Dori, you go and find her and check every voice-over coach in town.
I hear that's what she's doing nowadays.
Lola's doing voice-overs? Son of a bitch.
No, Mom, I have to go.
There's an emergency at the hospital, and I can't find my stupid phone.
What's that? Duh.
Oh, God You're the best, Mom, and I'm an idiot.
I'll see you and Phil on Sunday.
Love you.
Who is that chick? Is that Dori? Yeah.
Wow, she's gotten really fat, huh? Especially over the last nine months.
That is a very significant abdominal protrusion.
It's starting to give me a very significant protrusion, and I'm not talking about my abdomen.
Do you know what I'm talking about? Yes.
What? You don't know.
It's my wiener.
I know! Let's go talk to her.
Come on, people! We're running out of time! We need ideas! We could just pull him out.
That'll break all his bones, Doi! We could send somebody in to get him.
We can work our way up through the basement.
We don't have time for something like that! Think! Oh, hey! We can put kitty litter in there.
It'll neutralize the quicksand.
The couch cushions in my office, they've got kitty litter in them.
- We could use those.
- Great.
Okay.
Wait, does it matter if there's cat poop already in the kitty litter? - Mm, shouldn't.
- Okay.
- It's like a significant amount, though.
- Shouldn't.
Okay, just Where is Lola?! This is her specialty, this kind of thing! Lola Where are you? Oh, I should totally get gas.
Don't want to run out on the way to the hospital.
That would slow things down a little.
Lola? Greg.
You never returned any of my calls.
My phone was sick.
How are you? Still tall and really pretty, I see.
- I got to go.
- Oh, I miss my Lola! I think about you all the time.
- Did you read my book? - You wrote a book? In my head.
Then how could I have read that? My whole family committed suicide! Are you drunk? - I was last night.
- Oh.
- And also now.
- Mm.
I don't know what's going on.
One minute, I was normal sized.
And then boom, nine months later, I was fat.
Do you remember doing anything out of the ordinary, like putting fatty foods in your mouth or vagina? No.
I can't keep anything down or up.
I have been spending weekends at an opium den having sex with a lot of sailors, though.
Well, that's not nothing.
I mean, opium dens are hotbeds for really toxic materials like rodent droppings, dander, all sorts of DNA And the obvious, of course.
- Opium.
- Karate instructors.
Dori, I'm gonna find out what happened to you, and I bet the answer is somehow linked to my boner that won't go away.
The kitty litter in this couch cushion is pretty urine-soaked.
Yeah, well, tell me about it.
It's from my pee couch.
The quicksand is hardening.
It's keeping him from sinking.
Gentlemen, I think we did it.
No.
We didn't.
The hardening quicksand is compressing his organs.
Would have been better off sinking.
Damn it! Put some water on there, loosen it up Stat! Blake, you find anything in those old quicksand files? Nothing here No story, no sense of continuity, interchangeable characters.
Mostly a lot of bathroom jokes.
Ugh, this water's making me have to pee.
I'll be on my couch.
Come on, Lola! Where the heck are you? We need you here.
What are you doing right now? We need you with us to help us do this thing! So where are you? Do you want to come back to my apartment and read my journal? Okay, okay.
Okay, well, I got to go.
Will you tickle my back? Kyah! Ugh! Seashell seller.
Oh, my God! I totally forgot to get gas! I figured it out! You're pregnant.
Pregnant? Did I stutter? That explains my mood swings.
And that explains my boner.
How did you know? Well, you mentioned you had been having sex with strangers in an opium den.
- That could make you pregnant.
- No kidding.
And if I'm right, that would indicate that there will be a newborn baby coming out of your vagina at any moment.
Oh, my God! I hope my baby's not a karate instructor.
Oh, it didn't say anything about that.
I'm calling it.
Lola! Smash! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch out! Don't do anything! Yes! Yes! I knew you would know what to do.
But, for reals, where were you, Lola? Well, let's just say I was decapitating my ex-boyfriend Greg.
Oh! Oh, snap! You didn't! Yes, you did! Same Lola, different day.
Ow! Hey, you, where have you been? I could have sworn that we were more than friends.
I was in a Tron-like world.
Because I saw something in you, and you saw something in me.
Quicksand? Crap! I'll be right there.
And it's over, so as from now, we're just friends.
We're just friends.
Next week on "Childrens Hospital" I'm not gonna lie to you.
- It doesn't look good for your son.
- Oh, my God.
Ah, I'm just playing with you.
- What? - I was lying.
So my son is gonna be okay? No, no.
I was lying about saying I'm not gonna lie to you.
I don't get it.
Is my son gonna be okay or not? Well, you never know with me, you know? Attention, hospital staff.
Follow me on Twitter @attentionstaff.
That is all.