Comic Book Men s03e01 Episode Script

Have you guys heard of the Hunger Games? Yeah, the movie, the book? - You saw it? - Yeah.
It was intense, but I was thinking, You know, what happens if, you know, In the future, like, store employees Are the new targets of the Hunger Games? We are picked, and we're all we have to go into the forest.
- Obama shows up.
- Yeah.
He's like, "Hey, guys.
Did a lottery.
You guys are gonna have to fight it out.
" - A battle to the death? - In a battle to the death.
Ooh! Uh First off, Mike is sleeping.
You stumble up on him.
You got your knife in your hand.
You can slice his throat from ear to ear.
Could you do it? Are you gonna murder me, Ming? If it's between you and me, I-I would do it.
But guess what.
I wasn't sleeping.
It was a trap.
Right through your brain stem! Hello and welcome to another episode Of Comic Book Men, The only show that has More 3xl Star Wars shirts than you.
I'm Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
So what has been going on in my little shop this week? The adventures of a typical teenager.
- Hey, guys.
- How you doing? - Good.
How are you? - What have we got today? - Archie comics, number 18.
- Ooh.
Archie.
That's an oldie, man.
- Is that Archie? - Yeah.
That's, uh - Looks like Richie Cunningham.
- He's got a bubble butt.
This is Archie in the early days Before he was refined.
- This is probably circa 19 - '46.
'46, man, when america's feeling great.
Just vanquished some nazis.
Do you keep up with the current state - Of Archie universe? - I sure do.
There's a lot of new-fangled stuff thrown out there, man.
Yes.
All of a sudden now the real world, It's crashing in on Archie's head.
Like, shoehorning in What's current in pop culture, like Glee.
Yeah, there is a Glee crossover right now.
But it's only for a few issues.
It's not gonna last forever.
I don't know.
I don't think it's a good thing.
I'm afraid, you know, maybe that they're setting it up For Archie to start placating to today's youth, which - Yeah.
- I don't know if I'm 'cause what a crime that would be To have Archie be relatable To today's youth instead of today's youth being like, "why am I reading "about a guy in the 1950s "who hangs out at a malt shop? "this doesn't look like Does any of these kids have an iPod?" You're like the Bill O'Reilly of comics.
You're like, "where's my america in comic books?" Where'd you get this from? I'm actually a longtime Archie collector.
And what's your earliest Archie? - I have Pep 22.
- What is Pep 22? It's the first appearance of Archie Andrews And Betty and Jughead.
It sounds like you're really passionate about it.
Yes.
They mean a lot to me.
I've got Jughead tattooed on me.
- Really? - Yes.
- Where is it? - I can't show you.
- Can you show me? - Maybe later.
And so you're partial to Jughead over Archie then? Yes.
Which Archie character did you relate to most? Maybe Reggie.
Reggie? The rich [bleep.]
ing ass[bleep.]
? You are Bill O'Reilly.
I mean, I was Definitely wasn't Archie.
I wasn't Jughead, like, Brain-dead just looking for a hamburger everywhere.
What's that supposed to mean? Well, how much do you want for it? - 200.
- 200? That's low, right? That's usually what girls grade me.
If I were to be CGC.
- Really? - Yeah.
- You're 3.
5? - Yeah.
If that's 3.
5 out of What year were you "manufactured"? - '67.
- Okay, so silver age.
Silver age! - It's not worth it.
- Am I complimented? - I don't know.
- I don't think so.
It didn't sound good though.
He doesn't want this book.
Would you do 120? I can't go any higher than that.
Yeah? It's absolutely the best I can do for you today.
I can do that.
And even that, I'm kind of second-guessing, Even as I speak.
Let me quickly give you the money then.
- Sure.
- 100 bucks.
All right, so you know I didn't palm anything.
There you go.
- Awesome.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
Bye.
Excuse me? Hello? Which one of you is Bryan Johnson? You're the Incredible Hulk! When Lou Ferrigno strides up to the counter at the Stash, It's surreal.
It was like a dream.
That dream we all have when Lou Ferrigno comes in And says, "Which one of you is Bryan Johnson?" Maybe it was more of a nightmare, I didn't know You know, it was just the size discrepancy Between me and him I look like a kid, right? Next to kids, you look like a kid.
- Are you Bryan Johnson? - I am, yeah.
Your buddy, Kevin Smith, Hired me for the next four to eight hours To motivate, train, and to get you back in shape.
Kevin sent you? Yes.
I came all the way from California For you to train with the Hulk.
Lou Ferrigno was at this con, man.
And he came over, and we were chitchatting.
So he brought up the suggestion of getting in shape, But I didn't want to do it myself Because, you know, what if he was real-deal about it? What if he's a drill sergeant? I wanted to send somebody ahead of me, A guinea pig, if you will, a Steve Rogers, if you will.
- Ohh.
- And I thought about you.
You always talk about wanting to get in shape, And you're like, "If I had My own personal trainer" And I was like, "Well, you know, maybe with the Incredible Hulk.
- That's kind of fun.
" - Sorry you're You're fat.
I think you two are gonna need to leave.
- Nah.
- Yes, sir.
No, I'm out of here.
- Leave? Really? - No, you.
Leave.
Okay.
You know, Kevin told me You used to be in phenomenal shape.
You used to be a good-looking guy.
- I mean, I don't know - Used to be? What you looked like before.
Do you have pictures of what you looked like before? Yeah.
Yeah.
Actually I do.
Oh, my God.
- How long ago? - Six years ago.
I was hiking with my friend in New Zealand.
Wow.
I mean, look at you.
This is like, uh, Harrison Ford.
Yeah.
Watch this.
- That was one for the ladies.
- Man! Do you want to get back to shape? Yeah.
I would absolutely love it.
Exactly, because your health is important.
So I can get back to this, you think? Even at this advanced age? Doesn't matter.
I'm 61.
You should have no problem.
I'm gonna get you started.
The Hulk is here.
- All right.
- Hope I didn't scare you.
Just like that.
One.
Perfect.
Oh, good Lord.
I'm looking for the first appearance of Elektra.
Oh, wow.
Daredevil 168.
All right, Bryan.
We're gonna do one of my favorite exercises.
All you have to do is imitate the Hulk.
So just start freaking out and wrecking the place? - Exactly.
- That kind of thing? Do you know when you do the Hulk pose? - This? I'm good at this.
- Right, exactly.
That's exactly what we're gonna do now.
It'd been a while since I'd been in a gym obviously.
Pfft.
You want a smack in the face? But it was strange, like, 'cause it's one of those moments where you think back And watching the Hulk as a kid, Sitting there on a Friday night, Never in a million years would you think, Someday I'll be so out of shape, This guy will have to travel thousands of miles To drive it into my head that I need to lose weight.
As you come down, I want you to try to touch my fist.
Okay.
Slow.
Just like that, right? See? You doing the Hulk pose.
- I look like the Hulk? - Yeah.
- Perfect.
- Am I green? Keep the tension.
Good.
Keep going.
Perfect! When you were doing the Hulk TV show, What was your workout like? I never trained on the set, Because if I pump on the show, I would sweat, And the makeup would have a tendency to be running.
You know, what I would do is Maybe train afterwards sometimes, - Like, 2:00 in the morning.
- Oh.
I was in that freakin' makeup Six coats of makeup.
Pancake makeup.
I would be in the motorhome, I had to be refrigerated with my arms straight out like this To keep the temperature because I didn't want to sweat.
You wonder why I was so pissed off as the hulk.
There are very few faces That are instantly recognizable as a superhero.
Lou Ferrigno, of course, will always be the Hulk.
That's how iconic the guy actually is.
He looks just like he looked in the show.
I mean, he's that massive still.
He's that impressive.
The only person on the planet who will ever play the Hulk.
- Yeah.
- I mean, - It'll never happen again.
- Excellent point, man.
With all due respect to Mark Ruffalo, Who did a wonderful job, you'll never see a human Hulk.
It'll forever be CGI, some computer-created version.
I don't know, give me a little bit longer, man.
You never know.
One, two.
Just like that.
So I want you to do some now.
I think I'm gonna be good at this 'cause it's laying down, right? I know.
Let the air go out of your chest.
Just like that.
One.
Perfect.
Good Lord.
Do maybe, like, 15, 20, Till you feel you can't do anymore.
Perfect.
That's got to be 20 by now, right? Could you see a difference in your body? Um, after 15 minutes, one of my lungs deflated.
I was like, "A little help.
I'm having a stroke.
" I've been doing this for 50 years.
I know what I'm talking about.
So by the time I'm 95, I'm gonna look like you? - Of course.
- All right.
- All right.
- Maybe before.
Let's see, let's see the Oh, man.
I do one of these like this, right? - See? See? - I like it, man.
Okay.
When I was a kid, I was fascinated with power.
When I read the comics, I fantasized about the Hulk Because my whole life I was an angry kid Because of my hearing loss and my speech.
People made fun of me, they called me "Deaf Louie," "Deaf Mute" because of my hearing.
I never felt sorry for myself.
I said to myself, "I'm gonna be so strong, so powerful, Nothing's gonna destroy me, pick on me.
" Did you go back and kick their asses - After you got all big? - You know something? They turned out to be my biggest fans.
- Give me two more.
- Look at that.
- Come on.
- Two more? - Come on.
- No problem.
Good.
All right, Bryan.
Great job.
- Thanks.
- I'm proud of you.
Listen, ten more minutes on the elliptical trainer, Cool down.
I will see you tomorrow morning at the comic bookstore.
- All right.
- All right? - I'll be there.
- Okay.
- Thanks again.
- All right.
Daredevil 168.
Frank Miller.
- The Frank Miller.
- That's a key book.
I want you to tell me exactly what you eat a day.
Usually a whole bunch of doughnuts.
Doughnuts? The moment they announced Ben Affleck as Batman, My face had a Joker-like rictus grin.
It was like, oh, my God.
I know Batman! I put Batman in movies! He's played a villain in movies for me.
If this was happening in the mid '90s, When, like, I was thick as thieves with Affleck, - I'd be the Penguin.
- Oh, yeah.
- Right? - Yeah.
I can get Mewes cast as The Riddler, Jay as The Riddler.
We could be P.
A.
S.
What'd you think of some of the reactions? It was so strange to watch the internet blow up.
I read an article where they said In the first hour on Twitter, were negative, And 16% were neutral, And then the rest of the percent was me going, "This is awesome!" "This is gonna rock!" Hey, did you ever watch any zombie movies or TV shows? You never see the humans, like, gagging or dry-heaving.
Those zombies must smell.
It's like, they're just walking rotting flesh, right? Did you ever smell a dead body? - No, I haven't, have you? - No.
Come on.
Of course I have.
Really? How you doing? - Hey, how's it going? - Good.
I'm looking for the first appearance of Elektra.
- Daredevil 168, right? - That's the one.
Frank Miller.
The Frank Miller.
- That's a key book - Yes, it is.
You're looking for today.
Well, I've got a near complete run Of Frank Miller in Daredevil.
I'm looking to finish it off with this.
Oh, really? This will be the last issue, and you have a complete run? The last one.
Probably the second most valuable one Behind the 158.
Mm-hmm.
I was a kid buying this off the rack, And I immediately sensed That there's something special in this book.
I mean, in the '80s, it wasn't doing Well enough to even be a monthly for Marvel, And Miller came in With a shot of unseen excitement In terms of, like Is that a pun? "Unseen" 'cause he's blind? - Look at you.
- That's good.
Frank Miller, who most people, of course, Know from The Dark Knight Returns, Before he went over to DC, turned Daredevil From, like, the guy in those red tights with little horns Into shakespearean.
He humanized - Yeah.
- That character, Brought passionate writing.
I think it ushered in For Marvel the era of the sophisticated hero.
He did, he kind of upped the ante at Marvel, And it was really the blueprint for Dark Knight Returns.
Who is Elektra? How the Is she it's his girlfriend? Elektra is his one true love.
They were, like, college lovers, I think.
Although Daredevil, Matt Murdock, Is the mack daddy, man.
I don't know if there's any superhero That has gotten more, Uh, well, more girlfriends.
- It's like - It's the sonar.
It's the sonar.
He can tell.
For me, it'd have to be the other way around.
The girls would have to be blind.
Then I could get 'em.
Is that an official CGC rating? I see that it says "beautiful copy.
" That's the Mike seal of approval right there.
Okay.
I'm good with it then.
This is a beautiful copy.
I mean, I'm not even gonna imagine I'm just gonna ring her up and 'cause, I mean, it's the way Actually I was hoping to pay about 60 for it.
Oh, r Oh, you The last issue that you need to complete your run.
- We have it.
- Mm-hmm.
Mike has given it a beautiful copy rating.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's B.
C.
I understand that, but, you know, My allowance only goes as far as, like, say, 60 bucks.
This is too good to let go for 60 bucks.
I mean, no stress marks.
I mean, it's Look at those sharp corners and vibrant cover.
It's the last one.
You're gonna make a nice boy from South Jersey very happy.
You know, how about since it's issue 168 - Mm-hmm.
- How about 68? Sold.
All right.
Thank you.
Your internal monologue must be like, "Oh, my God.
He went for it.
" All right, Bryan.
I want you to tell me right now Exactly what you eat a day.
For example, you wake up in the morning.
What's the first thing you put in your mouth? First thing I put in my mouth? Um, my girlfriend's boob.
No, um First thing - That's not bad.
- First Normally I get up, turn on the TV, Get a glass of skim milk, And then a whole bunch of doughnuts.
- Doughnuts? - Yeah.
Probably eight or ten.
Then after that, then what? For lunch, normally it's, like, Pizza or cheeseburger or something like that.
- Pizza or cheeseburger? - Yeah.
- That's basically it? - Mm-hmm.
Well, then there's the afternoon snack, So I get, like, a cinnamon bun.
I thought about it the other day 'cause, you know, I periodically am like, why am I so damn fat? And I realized, Whenever I reach for something To put in my mouth, it's sugar.
It's definitely a drug of some sort, man.
You can break a tie with it And look like Lou Ferrigno Or these cats and whatnot, but you and I, man, We're like, sugar! - We're victims, Walt.
- Yeah.
It's not our fault.
We're sick.
Milk or skim milk.
Two eggs.
A banana.
To get healthy.
I want to go back to that classic episode Where you fought the bear.
Oh, my God.
Was that a real bear? Mike, are you gonna read Shirley Jones' new book? Oh, that's right.
That's coming out, the tell-all.
Talks about threesomes, philandering.
Shirley Jones from The Partridge Family? Yeah.
Did you ever have a crush on Mrs.
Partridge, Shirley Jones? Uh, no.
Not her.
I did have a crush on Mrs.
Carol Brady.
It'd be easy to have a crush on her 'cause she's just so nice.
- The mom next door.
- Yup.
My sitcom mom would have been Mama From What's Happening!! Or Or Florida from Good Times.
Really? Florida was sassy.
She didn't take any crap.
- No, she didn't.
- How about you? Go with Who's the Boss? With Judith Light, Angela.
- Judith Light, huh? - Yeah.
White bread.
Yeah.
She was really white bread.
Was she the boss, or was Tony Danza the boss? I What do you what would be He thinks there's a definitive answer.
I was still trying to figure it out! What about you, Walt? I'm gonna go Wilma Flintstone.
She'd give Florida a run for her money Wilma.
Now we can go on a double date, right? What are you talking about? I thought Wait a minute, I thought this was the mom you wanted.
Yeah, it is.
No, this is the mom you had a crush on.
- What are you talking about? - What's the difference? Oh, Ming.
- Good afternoon.
- Oh! Hey.
How's it going? It was a great second workout.
You three are looking awfully doughy.
How you feel? Tired.
Motivated, thanks to Lou.
- Motivated? - Yeah.
When's the last time I saw you motivated? I don't know.
Sixth grade? Well, Mr.
Ferrigno, I mean, I can't thank you enough.
He looks lean, mean, and Green.
Yeah.
While we had Mr.
Ferrigno in the store, I couldn't let him go Without asking him the one question I've always been dying to ask him.
There was only one time he actually fought something - That was a test for the Hulk.
- Okay.
I want to go back to that classic episode Of The Incredible Hulk where you fought the bear.
Oh, my God.
I don't know.
Was that a real bear? Yes.
I told you that was a real bear! - I told you! - You were right.
But But that was the greatest scene, You see the bear just go flying.
Yeah.
It was a real freaking bear.
They made him put on the body makeup, And they're like, "get in there!" And the Hulk is like, aah! Really? I want to know where they filmed it, Because on what planet Do they allow the star of the show To wrestle a real bear in a moat? And it was biting his arm.
It was several hundred pounds.
It was a baby bear.
It was tough.
I mean, fighting the bear was almost like trying to move this.
He was solid as a rock.
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- It was fun though.
- That's awesome, man.
- Anyway, it's been a pleasure.
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you, Mr.
Ferrigno.
- Thank you.
- And, Bryan, good luck.
- Thank you.
Stay motivated, and Don't make me angry, Because you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
And I'll keep that in mind.
Don't make me come back from California.
Okay.
All right.
Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- See you later, man.
Wow, man.
So The Incredible Hulk, Icon of comic book history, man, Comes to our little comic bookstore, The Secret Stash, Comes to train you personally.
Are you gonna keep going with this? No.
It's too hard, right? - The Hulk or not.
- Give me a break.
Give me a break.
And that's it.
Like every multipart crossover event in comics, This show is coming to an end, kids.
For Comic Book Men, I'm your host, Kevin Smith.
- Bryan Johnson.
- Walt Flanagan.
- Mike Zapcic.
- Ming Chen.
Remember the immortal words of Gold Five, children.
"Stay on target.
" Good night.