Coming of Age (2007) s03e01 Episode Script
Kissy Woo!
Darren Karrimor! I will not have students blowing bubble gum in lessons.
Especially when it's out of their arse! Sorry, lover boy.
BANG, FAR HE CHOKES Balamory.
All we wanna do is All we wanna do is All we wanna do is oh Love me, love me All we wanna do is All we wanna do is All we wanna do is oh All we wanna do is I've figured out how to get Jas back.
Going to make her a tapestry? No! I'm going to go over there right now and give her a lovely big kiss.
Why? You've made like a banana and split.
It's simple psychology.
The kiss will remind her of when we were together, the magic will return and she will be mine again.
And Da da da da da da dah! Why did you do that? The Welsh are a very lyrical people.
Well, I better be going, cos one, your singing makes me uncomfortable, and two, I'm off to the football tonight with Robyn.
The referee is lovely, the referee is lovely Who's Robyn? Is Chloe trying out new names again? At least Robyn's better than "The Claw ".
Hi, Jas.
Hey Ollie.
Have you seen The Claw? I need to give her her mace back.
No So how about a lovely big kiss? How about a lovely big kick in the bollocks? Er, I'd rather a kiss.
We agreed we're friends.
Friends kiss! Kissy woo! Look, we haven't kissed since we were together and I don't want to do anything which might compromise the integrity of my art.
Don't be pissy, give me a kissy! No means no! Ah, Mr Karrimor.
All right, biatch.
I've just had the results of the test you did with your educational psychologist.
Is this about what I saw in them ink blots? No Darren, Dr Ladowski really was just showing you pictures of bumholes.
According to this, you have an IQ of 160.
What does that mean? It means you're a genius! A genius? Like Alfred Einstein! Albert.
What? It's Albert Einstein.
Erm, excuse me.
I think you'll find I'm the genius here, so Fine.
Though these tests indicate that your IQ actually may exceed his.
Well, that's a bit obvious, the idiot don't even know his own name.
All right, what do you want me to do? Well, now that we know what we're dealing with, we can approach you with a different attitude.
I need you to apply yourself.
All right, come here biatch.
Not to me, Darren! To your education! You have a gift.
Ooh, a gift! Is it this paperweight which looks like gin? That IS gin.
Well, I normally only partake at Christmas.
but if you insist Darren! Don't you see? With your intellect you could do anything.
You could even be President of the United States.
Like my cousin.
You mean your cousin's That's right.
George W Bush.
Then me and Robyn went to the football and then me and Robyn watched the football and then chatted about the football.
So it was a fairly football-heavy football match that me and Robyn attended.
I also had a pie which smelt like a wet dog and looked like my pants.
Robyn started laughing and then me and Robyn had to have a wee.
Yes, OK Matt! I'm delighted you're spending time with someone outside our relationship.
What was their name again? Robyn, Robyn Crisp.
I think having a new friend will be very good for you.
Thanks, Chloe.
I can't wait for you to meet her.
Her?! All right, peep? Y-y-yeah, not so bad.
I'm just figuring out a way to get Jas to kiss me.
Ah, right.
Hold a light bulb in your mouth, get a cable, ram it up your arse Oh, hang on that's moths.
And you've done that, have you? You've electrocuted yourself in order to secure the amorous advances of a moth? I like moths.
Moths are sexy.
Why do you want to kiss Jas anyway? She's not a moth.
Cos if she kisses me we'll get back together.
But when you were together you fought like cat and Dog, yes, I know.
But I miss the Pussy, yes, I know.
Not that.
Well, not just that.
I miss her.
I miss us.
Any ideas? Not involving moths.
Surprisingly few.
But there's always the old faithful of TOGETHER: Showing her your cock.
Yes, yes.
Apart from that.
Cover yourself in meat? I'm not Lady Gaga.
Are you not? Damnit, I'm in the wrong shed again.
Bye! DK, come back.
All right, then.
Send her a gift.
That might just work.
Hey, I could send her one of those cuddly toys that you record your own personal message into.
You just squeeze the little tummy and it goes How about a kiss? Oh, go on then, you've done ever so well.
Ah, I didn't mean, get off, I've just done my make-up! And anyway, don't mention it.
After all you are talking to a genius.
No, I'm not.
I'm talking to a man who slipped a disc trying to suck his own penis.
So am I.
Eh? So, a genius, eh? Yep.
Apparently I've got an IQ of 160.
Yo, yo, ladies, Mr K is in da house! Wiki wiki wa wa braaaaaaap! RAPS: Listen up chicks that like blokes with a brain DK's in town and he's made his name As a genius, so witty and clever Who can make up raps whatever the weather But don't worry bitches, I ain't no sad freak I'm keen, mean, cheeky and chic So if you like a bloke that can help you with science I can be yours if you stroke my appliance.
Balamory! You're forgetting one thing, DK.
Geniuses don't rap.
What about the Principal? Listen up bitches, this is my reality Welcome to the Principality If you love Principal Reed Come and fill me with your seed Balamory! Oh, bravo, Jane! Yeah, she wants me to apply my intellect in lessons.
So does this mean you have to stop misbehaving? Stop misbehaving? Why? Biatch never said anything about that.
Eye hump! Hah, ha, ha! Hello, Dick.
It's Mr Splash to you, Darren.
Ah, yeah, sorry.
Mr Dick Splash.
BEAR: Daphne.
It's Clarence.
So sorry you found out about me and the little Nigerian chap.
Please forgive me.
Why the bloody hell did Ollie send me this? I'm not Daphne.
Jasmine! This is a three-stamp emergency! A what? Stamp! Stamp! Stamp! What's up with you? I'm fuming! I've been belching up bile all morning and Ooh, an adorable little bear! He's gorgeous, isn't he? When I was younger I had a big old Ted just like him, all sexy and comforting.
Mmm, his nose is so durable.
Err, yeah, you dirty bitch.
I think Ollie sent me this furry beast so I'd kiss his furry beast.
Why? Intuition.
Plus this note.
"I am sending you this bear so you will kiss me.
Thanks, Ox".
Who's Ox? Ollie.
Kiss.
You can tell it's him from his trademark drawing of a stickman wanking.
Oh What am I going to do? Just explain to him you're never going to get back together and he'll give up and move on.
Right, I'll go and see him at lunchtime.
Anyway, you were saying about your bile.
Matt has a new friend that isn't imaginary.
Oh, who? A girl.
Robyn Crisp.
I bet she's after him.
In a ungh-ungh-ungh way.
Matt's bringing her home after college.
Now don't panic, Chlo.
It should be easy to scare her off.
With a mace! Just be yourself.
And dress like a hussy.
If there's one thing I've learnt, the sexiest always wins.
Oh, and also, the peanut is not a nut, it is a legume.
Now then can anybody tell me what this is? Yes, Darren? A chair.
No, it isn't.
It is.
No, it isn't.
How do you know? Because it's a subglacial volcano.
That's not an answer.
Be quiet.
But all I want is an answer.
To what? How you know that isn't a chair? Because it's a volcano.
How is that not a chair? Because they're not the same thing.
Who says? It's just a fact.
Who said what fact is? And how do I know you're not a chair? Because this is a chair! This is a bloody chair! No, it isn't.
Well, what is it, then? Subglacial volcano.
Why are you even saying that?! Cos I'm a genius.
You are not a genius.
I am a genius.
Shut up.
What's the matter? Am I confusing you, Mr.
Dick Splash? Shut up! I'm brighter than Dick Splash, I'm brighter than Dick Splash.
Aaaaaargh! I forgot we're on the ground floor.
Forget tits.
The only appropriate term for you pair is bazookas.
Bang-bang! Hello Chloe.
I want you to meet my new friend, Robyn Crisp.
Hello, love.
Hello, Robyn Crisp.
Why Matt, you didn't tell me your girlfriend was so pretty! Are you not intimidated by my expansive bosom and whorey performance? Oh, no love.
It's delightful on you, but I can't get away with that kind of shenanigan.
Shenanigan can't be singular! You're using shenanigans incorrectly.
Oh, am I? Thanks for pointing it out.
Also, I brought you these.
What fresh hell is this, Robyn Crisp? Cinnamon buns.
They're vegan.
Oh, I bet they are.
I bet everything you consume is vegan.
Especially your food and drink.
Won't you have one? They're Matt's favourite.
I'm well aware of Matt's favourite type of bunnery.
Oh, really? What's that, then? Cinnamon.
My cinnamon.
With lots of lovely kidney in it! Oh, well, I won't be asking you for that recipe if you don't mind.
I don't eat anything that can take a shit.
Anydoodles, best be off.
Come along, Matt.
What? Where are you taking Matt? The bingo.
The bingo? The bingo! Yes, you know, two fat ladies, two little ducks, legs eleven woo woo! Oh, I'm a character.
Yes.
From Scooby Doo by the look of you.
But what about me? Oh, no, you wouldn't like it, Chloe.
It's more of a Matt and Robyn thing.
You can be "On it's own Number One".
Matt made a funny! No, you didn't, Matthew.
Well, nice to meet you.
Don't forget to do your coat up, Matt, or you'll catch your death.
Here Bye, Chloe.
Bye.
It's worse than I thought.
The bitch is a bloody temptress.
To deal with her I see I'll need a new shenanigans.
Why the hell did you send me this? Ah, you got it! It has three personalised messages.
Yes.
None of which seem to be from you.
Daphne.
It's Clarence.
Please ring me or I'll have to go back to Thailand for one of those you know things I got into trouble for.
They must have got the voice units mixed up Kiss? No! I told you, Ollie, it's over.
Let's end it on a kiss! I don't want to argue with you.
Why not? Because every time we argue we end up Making up with a kiss? Aha! When are you gonna get it into your stupid thick head? Our relationship is over and we're never ever getting back together.
Good day! Lady boys! Lady boys! Well, Jezza, looks like I'm gonna have to figure out a new way to get Jas to kiss me.
Any ideas? AS CLARKSON: Male scent.
What's that? AS CLARKSON: Coat yourself in your delicious male scent, that way she won't be able to resist kissing you.
It makes me want to kiss you.
Good idea, Jezza.
AS CLARKSON: Er, Oliver? Yes, Jezza? Are you aware that you're speaking to a cardboard cut-out? Yes, Jezza, I'm desperately tragic and lonely.
Mr Karrimor.
All right, biatch.
You promised you would apply your genius in lessons.
And I did.
By giving Mr Richard Splash a breakdown? Exactly.
I think I've realised why you behave the way you do.
Cos I'm a cheeky little scamp? Because of your IQ.
Oh, you must get so bored in normal lessons.
Oh, yeah, that must be it.
I mean, I was so bored once I just started wanking in the library.
The supervising teacher didn't know what hit her.
That was me, Darren, and I'm not at all interested in what splatted down my neck.
It was cum.
Enough! What are you going to do then, biatch? I'm going to provide you with more stimulus.
To my penis? To your brain, Darren.
They're basically the same thing.
I'm going to move you into the highest sets for all your subjects, then I'm going to enrol you in accelerated maths.
But that's with all the geeks.
Yes, right.
They're your people now.
All right, fine, come here.
Bye, biatch! Can anyone smell, you know, man? That's me! More specifically, blood, sweat, urine, tears and sperm.
SNIFFS: Oh! That reminds me of Mummy.
Wilberforce needs nourishing.
Why? Delicious, isn't it? You smell of Wales.
Oh, you mean the mammal? No, the place.
Jas, that is so racist.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Or as we say in Wales Baaaaah! You should be ashamed of yourself.
I've told you! We have absolutely no future, now just get out.
But Argh! Bye.
Jas, you realise this won't stop till he gets what he wants.
Why don't you just do it? Kiss him.
Because what if I felt something? Isn't that what he's after? No, I mean inside me.
Isn't that what he's after? Stop it.
Well, you won't if you don't love him any more.
Well, I don't! Look, how did things go with Matt? I am going to kill Robyn Crisp.
Why? Does she have the face of a patrician beauty, the sylph-like limbs of a Bolshoi prima donna and the wicked wit of an Oscar Wilde novella? You know, like me? Oh, Jasmine Brown.
We are dealing with a real femme fatale here.
What do you mean? She was pleasant and friendly.
She wore a bobble hat - harlot! And made cinnamon buns - slag! I know she's going to take Matt away from me, I just know she is! I know it! I know it! I know it! There's only one solution.
Correct, violence! Where's my knuckle duster? No.
My scarab? No.
My army of monkeys? No.
Look, Chlo, just forbid Matt from seeing Robyn again.
Hmm, but I've already forbidden him from so many things.
His asthma medication for one.
Why? Just a wheeze.
Ha! Look, you're his girlfriend.
If he loves you, he'll stop seeing her.
It's worth a try, I suppose.
And if that doesn't work, it's army of monkey time! Fly my pretties, fly! Ah, shame.
Look what Robyn made for me? You look like a condom.
Ah, thanks.
I forbid you from seeing that pernicious she-devil any longer.
Forbid, forbid, forbid.
Yes, Princess Chloe.
Why? Because she's going to take you away from me, Matt.
Chloe, me and Robyn, we're just friends.
We were just friends, Matt.
And then what happened? Cuddles? And then what? Snuggles? And then what? I stuck my cock up your arse.
Exactly! I couldn't bear it if you did THAT with her.
It would break my heart.
Look, if you really love me, Matt, you'll never see Robyn Crisp again.
I can't do that.
Why not? Cos she's just there.
Hello, love.
Good riddance to you and your buns! And a pox on your bobble hat, too.
Frankly I'm not surprised Chloe forbid you to bang this Robyn chick behind her back.
It's not like that.
I wouldn't shag Robyn I wouldn't put my knob in She doesn't get it throbbin' But without her I'm sobbin' And I'm sad in my noggin And I haven't got an orange.
What? Nothing rhymes with orange.
It was the only way I could stop.
Look, Chloe's a reasonable person.
No, she isn't.
No, she isn't, but she wouldn't want to see you unhappy.
Why don't you arrange for them to meet without you there? That way Chloe will see Robyn for what she really is.
An alien? No.
Just a friend.
Just my alien friend? She's got nothing to do with aliens.
Oh, good.
I don't want her to, they're scary.
Forget about aliens.
It's non physical.
You mean like a ghost? Robyn's a ghost? That's even worse.
Just arrange for them to meet without you there.
I'm not sending Chloe to meet a ghost alone.
Robyn isn't a ghost.
So you mean Chloe's a ghost? I've been going out with a ghost! No.
Chloe isn't a ghost.
Then who is? Are you a ghost? No! Nobody! Nobody's a ghost.
But what about all the dead people? Are you saying there's no afterlife? No heaven, no hell? Oh, there is a hell and I appear to be in it.
Now listen, arrange for Robyn to meet Chloe without you there and they might get on, do you understand? Yes, mate.
That's an excellent idea.
Although I wish you'd got to the point quicker, rather than banging on about all that religious shit.
Oh, Matt, one of these days I am going to cave your head in.
All right, peeps.
DK, Ollie's taking me caving! Oh, that's great.
The principal's moved me into accelerated maths.
I'll totally rule.
Are you sure, mate? It's a tough class.
They're all geniuses like me.
They'll be as nice as 3.
14159265.
What? Pi, you stupid dick.
DK, I'm not convinced you are a genius.
Oh, but he is.
DK, you're the funniest man I know.
You're so clever you can outwit anyone.
Thanks, Matt.
How do you think of them? Look, I have problems too, you know.
Are you still trying to kiss, Jas? Yes.
I need to think of something morecreative.
You need to pretend to be the thing that Jas loves more than anything else, then she won't be able to resist you.
Genius! See! Yes, but what's that? What does Jasmine love most in the entire world? Herself.
Now, as I was saying, given that C equals 12 to the power of four, can anyone tell me what X is? Yes, DK? A chair.
Oh, DK, that's very interesting.
Maybe you would like to explain Platonic theory to the rest of the class.
Yeah.
Um, a chair.
That isn't an answer.
Chair? Why are you saying chair? Cos I'm a genius.
Wiki-wiki wa-wa chair.
OK.
I see.
It's like you have no knowledge of classical philosophy.
I thought you were meant to be a genius.
Now, everybody, let's give Darren another chance.
So, DK, can you tell us what X is? Excuse me.
Doesn't he know this is the third floor? THUD You? Oh, hello, love! Matt told me to meet him here.
Oh, that's sweet, Matt told me to meet him here too.
Oh, God, he's engineered this situation.
What situation? You and me, it's like a 1940s melodrama.
So So It appears we have designs on the same gentleman.
How could you be so crude? It mustn't go on.
Quite so.
Unrequited desires eventually reduce the brain to jelly.
A solution must be found.
Let us settle this over a game of whist.
No! That's not my style at all.
Listen to me, Robyn Crisp! Yes, love? Keep your horrible, bun-making, bingo-playing, bobble hat-knitting hands off Matt, or I'll bash your bloody head in! I think Matt's a very sweet chap, but he's honestly not my type.
But, what I mean is I play for the other team.
I have very little interest in your football allegiances, Robyn Crisp.
No, I mean I'm a carpet muncher.
I'm afraid your dietary requirements are of no concern either.
I'm a lovely lady lesbian! Ooh! Eeww! I mean How very acceptable today.
We thank you.
Are you looking at my bazookas? Er, yes, I was.
Bang bang! Please, biatch, you have to let me quit accelerated maths.
They destroyed me with thoughts and then I landed on I know what you landed on.
All I can say is, I'm sorry.
Why? You were a very soft landing.
Not about that.
What then? It appears there's been a slight clerical error - in other words, a balls-up.
What? I received an e-mail from Dr Ladowski this morning.
More bum holes? If only.
Darren, your IQ isn't 160, it's 106.
What does that mean? It means congratulations, you're distinctly average! Like you? Hell, no! See you later, biatch! Sssss.
All right? Oh, my God.
My name's Jasmine Brown.
What the hell are you doing? Hi, everyone! I love myself and snogging Ollie! I don't love snogging Ollie! Oh, but I do, I just don't like to admit it.
Oh, for God's sake, stop it! Why are you humiliating yourself? Well, I was trying to get a kiss! And you think this is the way to go about it? Yyes? Ollie, why would I kiss a man who's mocking me in these frankly most polyester of fabrics? I was thinking low self-esteem.
Yeah, of course you were.
But I'm not like that any more, Ollie.
I'm not a stupid whore.
You're the one that looks stupid for not realising that! You also look stupid for matching those tights with your colouring, you're an autumn.
OK, Jas.
Maybe I went a bit far, but I did all this out of love.
Hmm? I love you.
I'm sorry, Ollie, I don't want you as a boyfriend.
And if kissing you is going to make you understand that, then fine, here's your kiss.
You felt something, didn't you? Oh, blaaaah! Blaaaah! Blaaaah! I'm in.
Hey! God, you'd have thought he'd put some knickers on!
Especially when it's out of their arse! Sorry, lover boy.
BANG, FAR HE CHOKES Balamory.
All we wanna do is All we wanna do is All we wanna do is oh Love me, love me All we wanna do is All we wanna do is All we wanna do is oh All we wanna do is I've figured out how to get Jas back.
Going to make her a tapestry? No! I'm going to go over there right now and give her a lovely big kiss.
Why? You've made like a banana and split.
It's simple psychology.
The kiss will remind her of when we were together, the magic will return and she will be mine again.
And Da da da da da da dah! Why did you do that? The Welsh are a very lyrical people.
Well, I better be going, cos one, your singing makes me uncomfortable, and two, I'm off to the football tonight with Robyn.
The referee is lovely, the referee is lovely Who's Robyn? Is Chloe trying out new names again? At least Robyn's better than "The Claw ".
Hi, Jas.
Hey Ollie.
Have you seen The Claw? I need to give her her mace back.
No So how about a lovely big kiss? How about a lovely big kick in the bollocks? Er, I'd rather a kiss.
We agreed we're friends.
Friends kiss! Kissy woo! Look, we haven't kissed since we were together and I don't want to do anything which might compromise the integrity of my art.
Don't be pissy, give me a kissy! No means no! Ah, Mr Karrimor.
All right, biatch.
I've just had the results of the test you did with your educational psychologist.
Is this about what I saw in them ink blots? No Darren, Dr Ladowski really was just showing you pictures of bumholes.
According to this, you have an IQ of 160.
What does that mean? It means you're a genius! A genius? Like Alfred Einstein! Albert.
What? It's Albert Einstein.
Erm, excuse me.
I think you'll find I'm the genius here, so Fine.
Though these tests indicate that your IQ actually may exceed his.
Well, that's a bit obvious, the idiot don't even know his own name.
All right, what do you want me to do? Well, now that we know what we're dealing with, we can approach you with a different attitude.
I need you to apply yourself.
All right, come here biatch.
Not to me, Darren! To your education! You have a gift.
Ooh, a gift! Is it this paperweight which looks like gin? That IS gin.
Well, I normally only partake at Christmas.
but if you insist Darren! Don't you see? With your intellect you could do anything.
You could even be President of the United States.
Like my cousin.
You mean your cousin's That's right.
George W Bush.
Then me and Robyn went to the football and then me and Robyn watched the football and then chatted about the football.
So it was a fairly football-heavy football match that me and Robyn attended.
I also had a pie which smelt like a wet dog and looked like my pants.
Robyn started laughing and then me and Robyn had to have a wee.
Yes, OK Matt! I'm delighted you're spending time with someone outside our relationship.
What was their name again? Robyn, Robyn Crisp.
I think having a new friend will be very good for you.
Thanks, Chloe.
I can't wait for you to meet her.
Her?! All right, peep? Y-y-yeah, not so bad.
I'm just figuring out a way to get Jas to kiss me.
Ah, right.
Hold a light bulb in your mouth, get a cable, ram it up your arse Oh, hang on that's moths.
And you've done that, have you? You've electrocuted yourself in order to secure the amorous advances of a moth? I like moths.
Moths are sexy.
Why do you want to kiss Jas anyway? She's not a moth.
Cos if she kisses me we'll get back together.
But when you were together you fought like cat and Dog, yes, I know.
But I miss the Pussy, yes, I know.
Not that.
Well, not just that.
I miss her.
I miss us.
Any ideas? Not involving moths.
Surprisingly few.
But there's always the old faithful of TOGETHER: Showing her your cock.
Yes, yes.
Apart from that.
Cover yourself in meat? I'm not Lady Gaga.
Are you not? Damnit, I'm in the wrong shed again.
Bye! DK, come back.
All right, then.
Send her a gift.
That might just work.
Hey, I could send her one of those cuddly toys that you record your own personal message into.
You just squeeze the little tummy and it goes How about a kiss? Oh, go on then, you've done ever so well.
Ah, I didn't mean, get off, I've just done my make-up! And anyway, don't mention it.
After all you are talking to a genius.
No, I'm not.
I'm talking to a man who slipped a disc trying to suck his own penis.
So am I.
Eh? So, a genius, eh? Yep.
Apparently I've got an IQ of 160.
Yo, yo, ladies, Mr K is in da house! Wiki wiki wa wa braaaaaaap! RAPS: Listen up chicks that like blokes with a brain DK's in town and he's made his name As a genius, so witty and clever Who can make up raps whatever the weather But don't worry bitches, I ain't no sad freak I'm keen, mean, cheeky and chic So if you like a bloke that can help you with science I can be yours if you stroke my appliance.
Balamory! You're forgetting one thing, DK.
Geniuses don't rap.
What about the Principal? Listen up bitches, this is my reality Welcome to the Principality If you love Principal Reed Come and fill me with your seed Balamory! Oh, bravo, Jane! Yeah, she wants me to apply my intellect in lessons.
So does this mean you have to stop misbehaving? Stop misbehaving? Why? Biatch never said anything about that.
Eye hump! Hah, ha, ha! Hello, Dick.
It's Mr Splash to you, Darren.
Ah, yeah, sorry.
Mr Dick Splash.
BEAR: Daphne.
It's Clarence.
So sorry you found out about me and the little Nigerian chap.
Please forgive me.
Why the bloody hell did Ollie send me this? I'm not Daphne.
Jasmine! This is a three-stamp emergency! A what? Stamp! Stamp! Stamp! What's up with you? I'm fuming! I've been belching up bile all morning and Ooh, an adorable little bear! He's gorgeous, isn't he? When I was younger I had a big old Ted just like him, all sexy and comforting.
Mmm, his nose is so durable.
Err, yeah, you dirty bitch.
I think Ollie sent me this furry beast so I'd kiss his furry beast.
Why? Intuition.
Plus this note.
"I am sending you this bear so you will kiss me.
Thanks, Ox".
Who's Ox? Ollie.
Kiss.
You can tell it's him from his trademark drawing of a stickman wanking.
Oh What am I going to do? Just explain to him you're never going to get back together and he'll give up and move on.
Right, I'll go and see him at lunchtime.
Anyway, you were saying about your bile.
Matt has a new friend that isn't imaginary.
Oh, who? A girl.
Robyn Crisp.
I bet she's after him.
In a ungh-ungh-ungh way.
Matt's bringing her home after college.
Now don't panic, Chlo.
It should be easy to scare her off.
With a mace! Just be yourself.
And dress like a hussy.
If there's one thing I've learnt, the sexiest always wins.
Oh, and also, the peanut is not a nut, it is a legume.
Now then can anybody tell me what this is? Yes, Darren? A chair.
No, it isn't.
It is.
No, it isn't.
How do you know? Because it's a subglacial volcano.
That's not an answer.
Be quiet.
But all I want is an answer.
To what? How you know that isn't a chair? Because it's a volcano.
How is that not a chair? Because they're not the same thing.
Who says? It's just a fact.
Who said what fact is? And how do I know you're not a chair? Because this is a chair! This is a bloody chair! No, it isn't.
Well, what is it, then? Subglacial volcano.
Why are you even saying that?! Cos I'm a genius.
You are not a genius.
I am a genius.
Shut up.
What's the matter? Am I confusing you, Mr.
Dick Splash? Shut up! I'm brighter than Dick Splash, I'm brighter than Dick Splash.
Aaaaaargh! I forgot we're on the ground floor.
Forget tits.
The only appropriate term for you pair is bazookas.
Bang-bang! Hello Chloe.
I want you to meet my new friend, Robyn Crisp.
Hello, love.
Hello, Robyn Crisp.
Why Matt, you didn't tell me your girlfriend was so pretty! Are you not intimidated by my expansive bosom and whorey performance? Oh, no love.
It's delightful on you, but I can't get away with that kind of shenanigan.
Shenanigan can't be singular! You're using shenanigans incorrectly.
Oh, am I? Thanks for pointing it out.
Also, I brought you these.
What fresh hell is this, Robyn Crisp? Cinnamon buns.
They're vegan.
Oh, I bet they are.
I bet everything you consume is vegan.
Especially your food and drink.
Won't you have one? They're Matt's favourite.
I'm well aware of Matt's favourite type of bunnery.
Oh, really? What's that, then? Cinnamon.
My cinnamon.
With lots of lovely kidney in it! Oh, well, I won't be asking you for that recipe if you don't mind.
I don't eat anything that can take a shit.
Anydoodles, best be off.
Come along, Matt.
What? Where are you taking Matt? The bingo.
The bingo? The bingo! Yes, you know, two fat ladies, two little ducks, legs eleven woo woo! Oh, I'm a character.
Yes.
From Scooby Doo by the look of you.
But what about me? Oh, no, you wouldn't like it, Chloe.
It's more of a Matt and Robyn thing.
You can be "On it's own Number One".
Matt made a funny! No, you didn't, Matthew.
Well, nice to meet you.
Don't forget to do your coat up, Matt, or you'll catch your death.
Here Bye, Chloe.
Bye.
It's worse than I thought.
The bitch is a bloody temptress.
To deal with her I see I'll need a new shenanigans.
Why the hell did you send me this? Ah, you got it! It has three personalised messages.
Yes.
None of which seem to be from you.
Daphne.
It's Clarence.
Please ring me or I'll have to go back to Thailand for one of those you know things I got into trouble for.
They must have got the voice units mixed up Kiss? No! I told you, Ollie, it's over.
Let's end it on a kiss! I don't want to argue with you.
Why not? Because every time we argue we end up Making up with a kiss? Aha! When are you gonna get it into your stupid thick head? Our relationship is over and we're never ever getting back together.
Good day! Lady boys! Lady boys! Well, Jezza, looks like I'm gonna have to figure out a new way to get Jas to kiss me.
Any ideas? AS CLARKSON: Male scent.
What's that? AS CLARKSON: Coat yourself in your delicious male scent, that way she won't be able to resist kissing you.
It makes me want to kiss you.
Good idea, Jezza.
AS CLARKSON: Er, Oliver? Yes, Jezza? Are you aware that you're speaking to a cardboard cut-out? Yes, Jezza, I'm desperately tragic and lonely.
Mr Karrimor.
All right, biatch.
You promised you would apply your genius in lessons.
And I did.
By giving Mr Richard Splash a breakdown? Exactly.
I think I've realised why you behave the way you do.
Cos I'm a cheeky little scamp? Because of your IQ.
Oh, you must get so bored in normal lessons.
Oh, yeah, that must be it.
I mean, I was so bored once I just started wanking in the library.
The supervising teacher didn't know what hit her.
That was me, Darren, and I'm not at all interested in what splatted down my neck.
It was cum.
Enough! What are you going to do then, biatch? I'm going to provide you with more stimulus.
To my penis? To your brain, Darren.
They're basically the same thing.
I'm going to move you into the highest sets for all your subjects, then I'm going to enrol you in accelerated maths.
But that's with all the geeks.
Yes, right.
They're your people now.
All right, fine, come here.
Bye, biatch! Can anyone smell, you know, man? That's me! More specifically, blood, sweat, urine, tears and sperm.
SNIFFS: Oh! That reminds me of Mummy.
Wilberforce needs nourishing.
Why? Delicious, isn't it? You smell of Wales.
Oh, you mean the mammal? No, the place.
Jas, that is so racist.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
Or as we say in Wales Baaaaah! You should be ashamed of yourself.
I've told you! We have absolutely no future, now just get out.
But Argh! Bye.
Jas, you realise this won't stop till he gets what he wants.
Why don't you just do it? Kiss him.
Because what if I felt something? Isn't that what he's after? No, I mean inside me.
Isn't that what he's after? Stop it.
Well, you won't if you don't love him any more.
Well, I don't! Look, how did things go with Matt? I am going to kill Robyn Crisp.
Why? Does she have the face of a patrician beauty, the sylph-like limbs of a Bolshoi prima donna and the wicked wit of an Oscar Wilde novella? You know, like me? Oh, Jasmine Brown.
We are dealing with a real femme fatale here.
What do you mean? She was pleasant and friendly.
She wore a bobble hat - harlot! And made cinnamon buns - slag! I know she's going to take Matt away from me, I just know she is! I know it! I know it! I know it! There's only one solution.
Correct, violence! Where's my knuckle duster? No.
My scarab? No.
My army of monkeys? No.
Look, Chlo, just forbid Matt from seeing Robyn again.
Hmm, but I've already forbidden him from so many things.
His asthma medication for one.
Why? Just a wheeze.
Ha! Look, you're his girlfriend.
If he loves you, he'll stop seeing her.
It's worth a try, I suppose.
And if that doesn't work, it's army of monkey time! Fly my pretties, fly! Ah, shame.
Look what Robyn made for me? You look like a condom.
Ah, thanks.
I forbid you from seeing that pernicious she-devil any longer.
Forbid, forbid, forbid.
Yes, Princess Chloe.
Why? Because she's going to take you away from me, Matt.
Chloe, me and Robyn, we're just friends.
We were just friends, Matt.
And then what happened? Cuddles? And then what? Snuggles? And then what? I stuck my cock up your arse.
Exactly! I couldn't bear it if you did THAT with her.
It would break my heart.
Look, if you really love me, Matt, you'll never see Robyn Crisp again.
I can't do that.
Why not? Cos she's just there.
Hello, love.
Good riddance to you and your buns! And a pox on your bobble hat, too.
Frankly I'm not surprised Chloe forbid you to bang this Robyn chick behind her back.
It's not like that.
I wouldn't shag Robyn I wouldn't put my knob in She doesn't get it throbbin' But without her I'm sobbin' And I'm sad in my noggin And I haven't got an orange.
What? Nothing rhymes with orange.
It was the only way I could stop.
Look, Chloe's a reasonable person.
No, she isn't.
No, she isn't, but she wouldn't want to see you unhappy.
Why don't you arrange for them to meet without you there? That way Chloe will see Robyn for what she really is.
An alien? No.
Just a friend.
Just my alien friend? She's got nothing to do with aliens.
Oh, good.
I don't want her to, they're scary.
Forget about aliens.
It's non physical.
You mean like a ghost? Robyn's a ghost? That's even worse.
Just arrange for them to meet without you there.
I'm not sending Chloe to meet a ghost alone.
Robyn isn't a ghost.
So you mean Chloe's a ghost? I've been going out with a ghost! No.
Chloe isn't a ghost.
Then who is? Are you a ghost? No! Nobody! Nobody's a ghost.
But what about all the dead people? Are you saying there's no afterlife? No heaven, no hell? Oh, there is a hell and I appear to be in it.
Now listen, arrange for Robyn to meet Chloe without you there and they might get on, do you understand? Yes, mate.
That's an excellent idea.
Although I wish you'd got to the point quicker, rather than banging on about all that religious shit.
Oh, Matt, one of these days I am going to cave your head in.
All right, peeps.
DK, Ollie's taking me caving! Oh, that's great.
The principal's moved me into accelerated maths.
I'll totally rule.
Are you sure, mate? It's a tough class.
They're all geniuses like me.
They'll be as nice as 3.
14159265.
What? Pi, you stupid dick.
DK, I'm not convinced you are a genius.
Oh, but he is.
DK, you're the funniest man I know.
You're so clever you can outwit anyone.
Thanks, Matt.
How do you think of them? Look, I have problems too, you know.
Are you still trying to kiss, Jas? Yes.
I need to think of something morecreative.
You need to pretend to be the thing that Jas loves more than anything else, then she won't be able to resist you.
Genius! See! Yes, but what's that? What does Jasmine love most in the entire world? Herself.
Now, as I was saying, given that C equals 12 to the power of four, can anyone tell me what X is? Yes, DK? A chair.
Oh, DK, that's very interesting.
Maybe you would like to explain Platonic theory to the rest of the class.
Yeah.
Um, a chair.
That isn't an answer.
Chair? Why are you saying chair? Cos I'm a genius.
Wiki-wiki wa-wa chair.
OK.
I see.
It's like you have no knowledge of classical philosophy.
I thought you were meant to be a genius.
Now, everybody, let's give Darren another chance.
So, DK, can you tell us what X is? Excuse me.
Doesn't he know this is the third floor? THUD You? Oh, hello, love! Matt told me to meet him here.
Oh, that's sweet, Matt told me to meet him here too.
Oh, God, he's engineered this situation.
What situation? You and me, it's like a 1940s melodrama.
So So It appears we have designs on the same gentleman.
How could you be so crude? It mustn't go on.
Quite so.
Unrequited desires eventually reduce the brain to jelly.
A solution must be found.
Let us settle this over a game of whist.
No! That's not my style at all.
Listen to me, Robyn Crisp! Yes, love? Keep your horrible, bun-making, bingo-playing, bobble hat-knitting hands off Matt, or I'll bash your bloody head in! I think Matt's a very sweet chap, but he's honestly not my type.
But, what I mean is I play for the other team.
I have very little interest in your football allegiances, Robyn Crisp.
No, I mean I'm a carpet muncher.
I'm afraid your dietary requirements are of no concern either.
I'm a lovely lady lesbian! Ooh! Eeww! I mean How very acceptable today.
We thank you.
Are you looking at my bazookas? Er, yes, I was.
Bang bang! Please, biatch, you have to let me quit accelerated maths.
They destroyed me with thoughts and then I landed on I know what you landed on.
All I can say is, I'm sorry.
Why? You were a very soft landing.
Not about that.
What then? It appears there's been a slight clerical error - in other words, a balls-up.
What? I received an e-mail from Dr Ladowski this morning.
More bum holes? If only.
Darren, your IQ isn't 160, it's 106.
What does that mean? It means congratulations, you're distinctly average! Like you? Hell, no! See you later, biatch! Sssss.
All right? Oh, my God.
My name's Jasmine Brown.
What the hell are you doing? Hi, everyone! I love myself and snogging Ollie! I don't love snogging Ollie! Oh, but I do, I just don't like to admit it.
Oh, for God's sake, stop it! Why are you humiliating yourself? Well, I was trying to get a kiss! And you think this is the way to go about it? Yyes? Ollie, why would I kiss a man who's mocking me in these frankly most polyester of fabrics? I was thinking low self-esteem.
Yeah, of course you were.
But I'm not like that any more, Ollie.
I'm not a stupid whore.
You're the one that looks stupid for not realising that! You also look stupid for matching those tights with your colouring, you're an autumn.
OK, Jas.
Maybe I went a bit far, but I did all this out of love.
Hmm? I love you.
I'm sorry, Ollie, I don't want you as a boyfriend.
And if kissing you is going to make you understand that, then fine, here's your kiss.
You felt something, didn't you? Oh, blaaaah! Blaaaah! Blaaaah! I'm in.
Hey! God, you'd have thought he'd put some knickers on!