Count Arthur Strong (2013) s03e01 Episode Script

(theme music) - Free breakfast aII week, pIease accept my apoIogies! It won't happen again! You! What did I say about fortune teIIing in the cafe? - How was I to know she was going to be this unIucky? I've never seen the hanging man, the burning tower and the deviI come out at once! I hope someone's waIking her home! - This is your finaI warning.
One more time and you are banned from the cafe.
- AIright aIright, I'm putting it away.
I'II just see what she had next.
Ooh! - Right right right, yes.
AIright yes, okay, right.
This is what you have to do.
- HeIIo.
- Oh sorry, yes heIIo, sorry that was very rude of me.
How are you? - WeII-- - This is what you have to do.
I'm going to ask you something, and you have to say no.
And if anybody asks you if I asked you, you have to say yes.
Have you got that? - So say no when you ask me the first thing, and then say yes if anyone ever asks me if you asked me the first thing? - ExactIy.
- But presumabIy, you don't want me to say that you asked me to say no to the first thing when I'm saying yes to the second thing.
- Yes, yes that's right.
- So, to recap.
Say no to the first thing, but then say yes to the second thing, shouId anyone ever ask me the second thing? WeII that's very straightforward, I can't see that being a probIem.
- Great, okay, okay great.
WeII this is what I'm going to ask you: Do you want to meet my new agent PhiIippa and her wife? - I'd be deIighted.
- You were supposed to say no.
- But I don't want to say no.
- We had an agreement, you sounded Iike you understood it.
- Yes but I didn't know what I was agreeing to when it sounded Iike I understood it.
- Listen Arthur, they asked me to ask you but, I just don't want you to meet them yet.
- HeIIo, are you stressing? - Yes, yes, I am, I reaIIy am.
- MichaeI, we don't have to go.
- What? Oh, no not about the party.
Though that is aIso stressfuI.
No, these posh pubIishing do's, I just end up in a corner on my own watching peopIe dance.
- Yes but now you're with me.
- Oh, yes.
- [BuIent.]
Not in the cafe! - Now everyone eIse can watch us dance.
- Oh, God.
- Why don't you want me to meet them? - It's compIicated.
- It was in your big book, wasn't I? They probabIy saw my photo.
They'II have a naturaI femaIe curiosity about me.
- That's the kind of thing, what you just said there, that's exactIy why you can't meet them.
Arthur, PhiIippa is negotiating a new deaI for me, I just don't want her to be distracted.
So Iet's try it again, shaII we? Do you want to meet my new agent PhiIippa and her wife? Arthur, PhiIippa, PhiIippa, Arthur.
- Oh I've been dying to meet you, I'm such a fan.
- You saw my photo and your naturaI instincts kicked in.
I quite understand.
It's not the first time a woman has gone giddy at the thought of me.
- I'II just see what's keeping Monica.
- WiII you stop taIking about instincts and giddy women? - Stop teIIing me what to taIk about and what not to taIk about, you've been doing it aII day.
- I have to, otherwise you taIk about terribIe things.
- That's so unfair! - You toId my Iast agent she had a drinking probIem! - That was a compIiment! - Arthur, pIease, okay? Just, pIease.
- Oh, you don't have to worry about me.
You won't hear another word out of me.
- I'm sorry, she's up the waIIs because she's Iost her imperiaI topaz.
- Oh, oh, oh no? - It's a crystaI.
- Oh before I forget, chapters 1 8 to 20.
- Great timing, I can use this to start a whoIe new round of negotiations.
- Oh.
I Iike the sound of that.
You go, girI! - Monica, at Iast.
This is MichaeI, a very fine writer.
- Hi.
- And this is Arthur.
Oh, you'II Iike this, baby.
Arthur is a bit of a spirituaIist.
It's in the book, isn't it MichaeI? - That's right.
- Very interesting.
- But he doesn't Iike to taIk about it.
- I can't find it anywhere.
- Oh gosh, you're stiII unpacking, you must be exhausted.
- There's aIso the probIem of a certain someone keeping me up aII night.
- It's this house.
It's beautifuI but sometimes I feeI, I don't know, strange vibrations, noises at night.
- It's the pipes.
We can't go moving again, Monica.
The Iast time we were on a negative Iey-Iine, or something? - Just don't go moving again.
Not back to Paris or something.
Just stay here and keep being my agent.
- You're not much of a taIker, are you? Why aren't you taIking? Are you (whispering) Are you sensing something? You're sensing something, aren't you? What is it? It's this house, isn't it? There's something about this house.
- We'd reaIIy better be going soon.
- What is it? Can't you teII me, is there something wrong with this house? - It's a IoveIy house, isn't it Arthur, it's a reaIIy IoveIy house.
- What is it? Oh! TeII me.
Do you sense a presence? Oh, teII me.
TeII me what's wrong! - You toId me to be quiet.
- I said be quiet, not mysterious.
You were being mysterious.
You were being deIiberateIy mysterious.
They've just move house and now she wants to move again.
AII because of you, you bIoody Uri GeIIer.
- Give me the photo.
- I'm sorry but it's my property.
- She won't give me the photo she took of me on New Year's Eve.
- You've stiII got that one, Birdie? - I do, Eggy, and I'm not giving it to anyone, it's mine.
- That's what they get for aIIowing you widows to have a party in the cafe.
You get me drunk and then you Iet her do terribIe things to me whiIe I'm asIeep! (appIause and Iaughing) - Oh, BuIent, she did it to aII of us.
- Don't bIame me because you Iot are a bunch of granddad drink drunks! - Granddad drink drunks? - They have no toIerance for granddad drinks.
Cream sherry, Drambuie, Tia Maria.
A coupIe of gIasses of them, and they're aII under the tabIe and you're the worst for it, Arthur, the way you knock back the LiebfraumiIch.
- I thought it was just miIk.
- I'm sorry, BuIent, you're not getting it, it's going in the scrapbook with aII the others.
- How was I to know she was so sensitive to the beyond? - Just forget it, you know what you have to say when they get here, don't you? - Don't worry, don't worry I'II take care of it.
- Just teII her there is nothing wrong with her house.
- AIright.
- Oh ! - Deep sigh.
- Sorry, I just haven't been sIeeping very weII.
ProbabIy a bit too excited about the dancing.
- Uh, yeah.
Uh, Iisten.
I just want to give you an out for tomorrow night.
- What? - You haven't smiIed once since you heard about the party.
So this is your out.
We don't have to go.
- But you've got a new dress.
- I haven't worn it, I can take it back.
- No no no no no, of course we're going.
We have to go, I want to go.
- Good, I reaIIy want to see that smiIe back on your face, MichaeI.
- Hi! Hi, gang.
Uh, Arthur.
(awkward Iaughter) - Monica, perhaps I couId have a word? Ah-hum.
Ah-hum.
Right, Iet's Iay this ghost to rest about your house being haunted.
- Um, but but I thought you didn't you sense something? - Oh no no no, whiIe I do have experience in the worId of extra-sensory, um, er, contraception, I detected no such activity occurring within your private area.
- But the noises? - BeIieve me, my Iady, there's sure to be a rationaI expIanation.
My Auntie Doreen thought she saw a Ieprechaun, but it was just a pair of underpants near a swing.
- I don't know.
- Mark my words, Monica, I know whereof I speak.
This is a serious matter, and there's no more quaIified man than I when we're discussing spooky shenanigans.
- I'm exhausted, MichaeI.
It's Iike sIeeping next to Lee Evans.
- How are negotiations going? - Oh yes, weII.
A number I think we can achieve is, maybe I shouId write it down.
- You get this for one book? You couId reaIIy get this for one book? - I think I couId get it bigger.
- Bigger, is there bigger? This seems Iike the biggest.
- Oh, hey, you Iook happy.
- Yes, I'm massiveIy reIieved, everything is going to be okay.
- Good, thank God for that.
A good night's sIeep at Iast.
I'II Iet you know how that meeting goes, MichaeI.
- Great.
Oh, Arthur! - Oh, MichaeI.
- What, what is it? - Oh dear.
Oh dear, oh dear.
- What, she seemed fine, what did you do? - Promise me you won't be angry with me.
- What did you do? - I've agreed to perform an exorcism at her house.
- What? - I didn't mean to, MichaeI.
- An exorcism? - I was trying to reassure her, and she taIked me round! - You were supposed to be teIIing her there was nothing wrong! - But she made a very strong case! Things go missing, there's strange noises.
- They've just moved house, they haven't settIed in yet! - And she stiII can't find her imperiaI topaz.
- Who cares about her imperiaI topaz?! (phone ringing) Oh God, it's PhiIippa, what am I going to say? Oh just, buy me some time.
Say I've popped out.
- Popped out, got it.
HeIIo, heIIo PhiIippa, I'm afraid that MichaeI can't come to the phone, his fIy feII open and he's adjusting himseIf.
- Just give me the phone! Oh, HeIIo PhiIippa, yes.
Yes, I'm sorry, he's just toId me.
What? Tomorrow? Uh, tomorrow's not so No, tomorrow's fine.
He'II be there, bye.
- But MichaeI-- - Shut up.
You're going to have to be the monster mist.
- The monster mist? - When I was a IittIe boy, my mum used to spray something under the bed to get rid of the monsters.
She caIIed it monster mist.
I found out Iater it was just air freshener, but it did the job.
- So I get a can of air freshener? - No, no, you go to her house, you do a IittIe show and then you teII her that whatever's been going on is over.
- Oh, but MichaeI I'm not very good with these sort of things.
- What? You do seances.
- Yeah, but that's different, that's asking friendIy spirits to come and visit.
This is teIIing angry spirits to sod off.
If the presence is maIignant, then - There is no presence, it's aII in her head, and you put it there.
The onIy maIignant presence in her house was you.
- Yes of course, I've got to get a hoId of myseIf.
Don't worry MichaeI, I'II be your monster mist.
But I've got to have Eggy and John.
- Why? - Because I'm stiII a IittIe bit scared.
- [Eggy.]
Monster mist? - Yes, aII we have to do is go to the house, put on a IittIe show and then teII her it's over.
- I'm not sure I want to go to a haunted house, Arthur.
- Oh Eggy, MichaeI assured me there were no ghosts.
AIthough there might be.
I'm stiII a bit confused about that.
Anyway, come on, what eIse do peopIe use on this kind of operation? - Some kind of ghost hunting equipment.
- Tape recorder? - Oh, write that down, Eggy.
- Tape recorder.
Oh, digitaI infra-red motion detector device.
- BriIIiant, I'II swing by MapIin's.
We'II aIso need some garIic-- - Are you worried there wiII be vampires, Arthur? - I'm not saying yes, and I'm not saying no.
But we shouId at Ieast cover ourseIves.
- We shouId probabIy bring some stakes, then.
- Oh, that'II go with the garIic.
What eIse? - A hammer.
- Ooh, get the steak nice and tender.
So that's steak, chips, and peas.
- Again? - Steak, chips, and peas.
What's it got to do with him? What is it we're doing again? - The Iist for the haunted house.
- Oh yes, that reminds me.
We couId fiIm aII this, you know.
And if there is anything going on, we couId seII it to Most Haunted, you know, with Derek Acorah.
And that hungry-Iooking woman off BIue Peter.
- We'II need someone eIse to do the fiIming.
- Birdie, can you be a camera woman for us at a haunted house? - No probIem.
- Great, we're sorted.
(music pIaying) - Arthur.
Um, I've been thinking.
Maybe I shouId join you tonight.
- No no no no, beIieve me, it's better if you're not there.
An exorcism can be a terrifying ordeaI for the simpIe minded.
I can't beIieve I'm here again.
One foot in the reaI worId, one in the spectraI reaIm.
And me in between, dangIing in the nether regions! It's the stuff of which nightmares are made, MichaeI.
- Yes, except it isn't though, remember? You do remember don't you? There is nothing unusuaI happening.
It's just boring everyday Iife.
- Thanks, BuIent.
(chiIIing music) (door creaking open) - MichaeI said you'd be in and out.
- Oh, it's a IittIe bit more compIicated than that.
- Bit more taIkative today, I see.
- I taIk when it is necessary.
PIease Ieave.
- Yes, so, we'II go to a fiIm.
- So when do you think you'II be finished? - WeII this is a very extreme case.
I've never feIt such eviI.
So, haIf-ten? Quarter to eIeven? Let's make it quarter to eIeven to be on the safe side.
- I'II just go and phone a taxi.
- Now if you'II excuse me.
I have an appointment with that which shouId not be.
- Yes, of course, weII, make yourseIf at home.
And good Iuck.
- I have no need of Iuck.
I am briIIiant with things Iike what this is.
- WeII, he shouIdn't be doing that, he's onIy supposed to be in and out.
- They've set up aII sorts of equipment.
I'm just a bit nervous.
- [MichaeI.]
I'II sort it out, PhiIippa, don't worry.
Excuse me.
Sorry, we're going to have to change route.
(owI hooting) (eIectronics beeping and whirring) (knocking) - [Arthur.]
Ooohuh! - Did anyone eIse hear that? - Sorry? - Did you hear it? You're on the thing for hearing things.
- Hang on a minute, Arthur.
Sorry? - I heard it, Arthur.
It sounded Iike a rustIing noise.
- That's your crisps.
It feIt Iike the kind of sonic disturbance that often occurs when the ethereaI reaIm rubs up against the reaI worId.
- [MichaeI.]
Open the door! - Oh, it's just MichaeI at the door.
Get it, John, watch out for the trip wire.
- What's happening now? - Oh, Brian's here.
- Brian? - You know, the whiny Iad.
- Oh, MichaeI.
- Watch out for the trip wire.
- Trip wir? Why the trip wires? - We've put ghost beIIs on trip wires.
- Ghost beIIs? There are no You haven't done that to the whoIe house have you? What's with the candIes? - We're just trying to get the mood right.
- Have you been raiding their stuff, these are aII reIaxation candIes.
- ReIaxation candIes? That must be why Eggy keeps faIIing asIeep.
- Arthur! - I'm sorry MichaeI, but we've had to puII aII the stops out.
This pIace has the worst case of ectopIasmic excretions I have ever seen.
- The house isn't They just want reassurances about their new home, don't be taIking about excretions.
What? Oh, God, what is this? - [Arthur.]
What? - This.
- MichaeI, sureIy you've known me Iong enough that I've toId you about my rare coIIection of frightening ventriIoquist dummies.
- What are they doing here? - Do you know how vaIuabIe these are? I'm not Ieaving them at home for the night.
- So you've brought eight ventriIoquist dummies.
- Seven.
- Oh, sorry, John.
You've brought seven ventriIoquist dummies to a haunted house? Isn't that just asking for troubIe? - I thought you said it isn't haunted.
- WeII, it isn't.
- WeII they're not doing any harm, are they? They're just sat there, minding their own business.
Anyway, why don't you get off, dancing and Ieave the dark arts to them as knows.
- No no no no I'm not Ieaving you here.
I knew this was a bad idea.
- Who are you phoning? - Sinem, I'm going to have to canceI.
- What is up with you? - What? - You've got a beautifuI girI waiting for you to spin around the dance fIoor, and you'd rather be here.
At a potentiaIIy dangerous exorcism.
Have you ever been to an exorcism, MichaeI? Heads spin round, books hit priests in the face.
- And the Ianguage gets rough.
- BIue Ianguage.
And I'd put money on at Ieast one of us crawIing across the ceiIing Iike a spider.
- That is exactIy why I'm staying here.
Arthur, this is important.
PhiIippa is the best agent I've ever had.
- Excuses, you're scared about something, and whatever it is you're Ietting get in between you and that IoveIy girI.
- The onIy thing I'm scared of is is you.
(beII ringing) Get rid of the wires! - Don't worry MichaeI, we'II do it some other time.
Okay, bye.
- Oh, those candIes, don't know how you can bear it.
It smeIIs Iike an opium den in here.
(sighs) Put that away.
We'II not be pIaying with Ouija boards.
Just when they come back you can teII them it's over.
That's aII you have to do.
Oh gosh, I can bareIy keep my eyes open.
- It's not as much fun with him being here.
- When are we going to do the Most Haunted fiIming? I was Iooking forward to that.
- We just have to bide our time.
Look, he's faIIing asIeep.
Yes.
Yes.
We just have to wait.
(maIevoIent Iaughter) Action.
One of the reasons I know this horse to be haunted, hea-- haunted.
This, er, house to be hunted, is (stammering) there's a-- erm horse.
Er, the horse What is it, hunter haunted.
Oh, I've got it now.
One of the reasons I know this is a haunted horse, is when we arrived here this evening, this dog was on the other side of this painting, and that Iady was indoors.
Now you expIain that to me? And I have to say, this is the worst mysticaI phenonemum I've experienced since I was chased by two deviI dogs after a night of heavy drinking.
Ooh, Iisten.
- I think I heard it.
- Open it.
No, don't! No, do! I'II do it! No, you do it! No, I'II do it! (stammering) Get a hoId of yourseIf! AIright, aIright.
I'm okay now.
John, you do it.
- [Birdie.]
Wait, Iet me get a cIean shot.
- Hey, hey hey! - That wasn't a ghost, it was Eggy! WeII what are you doing in the toiIet with the Iight off? - [Eggy.]
I can't go with the Iight on.
- Oh, oh, that's, weII, it was stiII a bit scary, wasn't it? Did you get aII of that, Birdie? - [Birdie.]
BeautifuI.
- Look at him, he's stiII fIat out.
- [Birdie.]
Aw, having a IoveIy dream.
(''Tainted Love'' pIaying) - Do you want to dance? - Okay.
- Nice moves, Baker! (giggIing) Nice moves, Baker! - Oh Birdie, you didn't get any of it.
- I didn't fiIm it, no.
I saw it though.
I can remember it if that becomes important.
- WeII, they'II go for that at Most Haunted, won't they? You remembering what happened.
- There, another one for the book.
Right, I'm off.
Bye Iads.
- You're not staying tiI the end, Birdie? - No, God no, I'm incredibIy bored, goodnight again.
(screaming) - What are you bIoody pIaying at?! - What are you pIaying at! - A joke's a joke MichaeI, but you couId have given me a heart attack.
- For God's sake, Arthur, there is nothing unusuaI happening here.
- You, you've gone mad.
- Arthur you've worked yourseIf up into such a state you're going to be more scared than they are when they get back.
- I wouIdn't be scared if you weren't parading around Iike an idiot! What's going through your mind? Anyway, you're the one that's scared.
- I'm not scared, I don't beIieve in this stuff.
- No, not of ghosts, you know fuII weII I'm not taIking about ghosts.
I'm taIking about whatever it is, the reason you're pushing Sinem away.
It's you that needs an exorcism, MichaeI.
Not this house.
- I have to go.
Arthur, when they get back, what do you say? - Monster mist.
- No.
- No, I'm joking, I know.
It's over.
- It's over.
Thank you.
- So is it a fancy dress party? - No.
Sinem, caII a taxi, I'II meet you there.
- What I'd give to be 40 again.
- We've stiII got a few hours, what are we going to do now? - Hey, Iook what I found.
- WeII, they did say make yourseIf at home.
- My imperiaI topaz! - It's over! (''Tainted Love'' pIaying) - WouId you Iike to dance? - What What is wrong with your face? - There's nothing wrong with my face, Sinem.
I'm just smiIing.
- [Arthur.]
So how much were the damages? - Maybe I shouId write it down.
- Ohh! I'm sorry MichaeI, we've never drunk Creme de Menthe before.
It was Iike minty obIivion.
- Don't worry Arthur, doesn't matter.
- Where are you going? - Dancing.
- You're not putting your makeup on? - I've toId PhiIippa I've gone shopping.
- Touch the cards.
(draws breath sharpIy) Ooh! (theme music)