Crashing (2016) s03e01 Episode Script
Jaboukie
1 - (GASPS) Oh my God! Peter! - Sweetest.
What?! Who is this? I'm sorry, I should have grabbed a bigger towel.
My wife slept with somebody else today.
- WOMAN: Oh boy, go write some jokes.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Great live comedy tonight.
PETE: I'm going through a divorce, I'm kind of floating around.
- Oh, you're homeless.
- No - Do you have a home? - No ARTIE LANGE: Don't put your face in this pillow, bad shit happened to this pillow.
(CHUCKLES) PETE HOLMES: So much of my life, I was afraid of God.
- Maybe I missed out.
- Really? You? I could use a drink, yeah! I think you should take me home.
(LAUGHS) - Mmm! - You're the second person in my entire life - I've ever made love to.
- Oh my God.
I feel like I sinned.
Ooh, sounds to me like you are expanding your mind.
The whole point of New York is you can like bounce around to different spots.
- He's funny, right? - He'll be funny in three years.
I'm trying to get into the college market.
I just submitted a tape to NACA.
NACA changed my life.
I book 80 colleges, I haven't had a real job since.
- NACA! (CHEERING) - Aah! (CHEERS) You've got six so far, and I'm working on more.
You're my new show pony.
(AUDIENCE CHANTS) Roast! Roast! Roast! News flash, Pete.
Jesus isn't coming back, - and neither is your wife.
- Ooh! I don't know how I walk away from that and just forget it.
What kind of comedian can't take a joke? - I don't want to date.
- Nice.
I packed up my stuff, I can't go back to Artie.
I can't go back to my roommate.
You know what you need to do.
You gotta go back to your life.
Seriously, dude.
You gotta get outta here.
- It's time.
- Yeah.
(AS AL PACINO): I'm Al Pacino here to tell you to take exit 5-0-0.
5-0.
Get free from the middleman You got no time for the messenger Got no regard for the thing that you don't understand I, uh, I'm not a big ladies man.
I don't even have sex in my dreams that's true.
- I can't seal the deal in my dreams.
- (WOMEN LAUGH) I hit on women in real life, they're like, "In your dreams," I'm like, "No.
" (LAUGHTER) "Not even there.
" (VOCALIZES): Eh! You ever just been in your dorm room, watching a movie alone? It gets really funny, and you're kind of locked in the movie and you forget that you're by yourself and you have that first little laugh just you, just like (CHUCKLES) And then you turn to the friend that should be there.
And you're just (GUFFAWS) "I'm so alone.
" Hi.
Miss Tyree.
- Oh, hi! - I'm one of the administrators.
- So nice to meet you.
- You were funny, really funny.
Well, thank you.
What do you do now? (VIGOROUS MOANING) (AS AL PACINO): My milkshake brings all the girls to the yard And they're like, "Hey! It's better than yours" They're like, "Whoo-ah!" When you bring me up, would you just make sure "Pete Holmes" is the last thing you say? Just like, "Yadda, yadda, yadda, clubs and colleges Pete Holmes.
" Then I'll come out.
That's important.
- Okay, but I'm not introducing you.
- What? What do you mean? Last month, we had a student comedy competition and first prize was opening for you.
(STAMMERS) I have an opener? (AUDIENCE MURMURING) (QUIETLY): What's up, man? - Hey.
Pete.
- Hey, what's up? Yeah.
Jaboukie.
I saw your YouTube stuff.
- You did? - Yeah, you're super funny.
- Oh, I'm so glad we're doing this.
- Yeah, I'm super excited that this was able to, like, work out.
- I don't know if you had a say in anything.
- No, this was a surprise.
But this is a good surprise.
I've been on the road for weeks and weeks.
- Oh.
- I'm like just I mean, it's great to do a show with another comic.
I'm not, like, a professional comedian or anything.
I'm still kind of new.
- How old are you? - I'm 20.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Jeez, man that's awesome I'm 33.
Cool.
I feel like more straight people should use Grindr.
(LAUGHTER) If you don't know what that is, that's a gay dating app.
Uh, just because, like, gay people get a lot of, like, consent talk out of the way, up top, on Grindr, like, "What are you into? When was the last time you were gonna get tested? Are you the top or the bottom? Blah, blah, blah.
" We, like, establish a lot up top.
But for straight people on dating apps, it's just sort of like, - "Mmm, I like pizza and memes.
" - (LAUGHTER) Or like, "Here's a picture of me holding a fish," like (LAUGHTER) It took me a while to come out to my family, just because my parents are Jamaican and homophobia is our second-best Olympic sport, so that definitely took a minute, um But I feel like parents always kind of know that stuff, though.
And I could tell, because my dad would give my brothers advice, and my dad would tell my brothers, "Find a gal that makes you feel like you don't deserve her," which is beautiful.
He would just tell me, "Don't do cocaine.
" (LAUGHTER) And I have, so, like, what's up, Daddio? You know? Um But also, like, me and my brothers were just, like, so different from each other growing up, like, both my brothers are, like, taller than me, they're fitter than me, they carry themselves with confidence, you know? But I'm like small, pale, I carry myself like an inbred European prince.
(LAUGHTER) But I know I'm not ugly.
(LAUGHTER) I know that.
Like, on a one to ten scale, I don't think I could, like, model, but I could definitely end a Republican senator's career.
(LAUGHTER) PETE: That was a fucking great set.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Thanks, yeah, I appreciate it.
Dude, what are you doing in Maryland? Going to college.
- Yeah, but - (CHUCKLES) You're three hours from the greatest comedy scene - In the world.
- in the world.
Orlando, Florida.
(LAUGHING) No, no! Manhattan! You're three hours from Manhattan, you should How often are you getting up? - Like once or twice a month.
- That that's what I'm saying.
So you're this good going up that infrequently? Imagine how good you'll get when you're really doing it.
It's all who you know.
You know, you ever get to the city, look me up.
I I can save you five years of bullshit, get you in the right places.
- Anytime, really.
- I'm serious.
So am I.
I'm not doing shit here, like, truly.
I'm majoring in Philosophy, like, I don't fucking do anything.
- I made three Pringles bongs this week, alone.
- That's kind of impressive.
Thank you, I feel like I'm in prison.
(LAUGHS) I'm leaving tomorrow morning.
You want a ride, you can I have a place.
You can crash at my place, we'll do spots.
- Okay.
Yeah, I'm down.
- Really? Are you serious? - Yeah, no, I'm serious.
- I'm fucking serious.
- I'm down to go.
- I could use some fucking company.
You can drive? Can you drive? - Candy is the best.
- It really is.
- It's made by science.
- Yeah, to be fucking delicious.
Someone with a PhD was like, "What does the mouth want?" - (LAUGHS) - We've got it.
- PETE: Skittles? You ever have a Skittle? - Skittles.
The rainbow kingdom.
PETE (LAUGHS): Yes.
Can I ask why you got into comedy? - You seem you seem pretty normal.
- (LAUGHS) - I mean, you know what I mean.
- Yeah.
- Like, we're we're a bruised people.
- Yeah.
- What happened to you? - Um I feel It was just, like, a result of my surroundings, kind of? I grew up in this, like, low-income, black neighborhood.
I went to this, like, rich, white school, and I just felt, like, I don't know, growing up, like, "funny" was a more stable identity than whatever I had to do to, like, go back and forth between that.
So I just, like, was, like, "Okay if I'm the funny kid, then I'm the funny kid no matter where I am.
" 'Cause, you know And it's also, like, nobody funny-bashes.
- You know? - (LAUGHTER) Like, no one is gonna attack you for doing bits in a conversation.
I wish there wasn't any bashing.
That'd be ideal, but then I might not be a comedian, so Have you ever been to The Cellar? Um, no, I've seen, like, videos of it.
That's where, like, Schumer goes up with, like, Madonna.
- Yeah.
Right? You never know.
- Right.
You never know who's gonna go up.
Sometimes it's Schumer, you might follow Chappelle, Rock it's all the best ones.
Like, even getting an audition at the Cellar? I mean, it's huge.
It's a really, really big deal.
- Wow.
- So somebody vouched for me, I get to go up even that, it's like, it's just an honor to be nominated.
But if I kill, and everybody kills, you get in now I'm doing two-to-three spots a night, instead of two-to-three spots a week.
- Wow.
- The right people see me, I get a late-night spot, maybe I get a half-hour, maybe I get an hour, maybe I tour, maybe I open for somebody, I mean - Dude, that's awesome! - It's incredible.
- That's really cool.
- I mean I don't want to say New York's my town, but it's kind of, you know, it is, it's my town.
- Can I kick it? - Yes, you can Okay, come in.
Okay.
Pretty nice.
Yeah, I'm never here as you can tell.
It's basically just a crash pad.
- Can I kick it? - Yes, you can Can I kick it? Obviously, that's The Cellar.
Uh-huh.
- Around the corner is The Boston.
- Uh-huh.
It's in New York, but they call it The Boston.
That's where I started out.
That's where a lot of the greats start out.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) - Hey! - Ho! Petey! - What's going on? - Hey, buddy! - Back from the back from the college tour, right? - Yeah.
Oh my God! It's so good to be back! How are shows, selling? Oh, it's great! Yeah! It's, um It's actually doing well, you know? - Good! - You know this Comedy Cellar around the corner, everybody's showing up to see whether or not one of the disgraced comedians are gonna come back and make an appearance, and, uh, they fill up, people find their way over here.
Overflow, baby! - That's great! - Yeah, it's cool.
We're selling some tickets.
- Good.
It's good to be back.
- Yeah.
- This is Jaboukie.
- Jaboody? - Jaboukie, with a "K.
" - Jaboukie.
- Star Wars? - He opened for me on my coll - well, one of the college shows.
- Oh yeah? I just wanted to show him the old haunt, that's all.
(LAUGHING): "Old haunt.
" All right, hotshot.
Nah, listen, it's good to see you.
Come on in.
COMEDIAN: I had to call for a cab to the airport and I said, "Uh, hey, can I get a taxi to LaGuardia at noon tomorrow?" And the guy goes, "Okay, bye!" (LAUGHTER) Hey, maybe don't hang up the phone just yet.
(LAUGHTER) Aren't you supposed to ask me for my address, tell me how much this is going to cost, or, I don't know, do anything at all to convince me a transaction has just been made over the telephone? (LAUGHTER) Here's the weirdest part: he showed up! (LAUGHTER) Pretty popular guy.
I, uh, I gotta say hi to somebody.
Real quick.
I'll be right back.
COMEDIAN: I'm in a relationship now.
I have a girlfriend who is (CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) Hey.
Hey.
Okay.
Good to see you.
That was weird, sorry.
I'm, uh, I'm back.
I'm back.
- In the flesh.
- Yeah.
It's good to see you.
Mmm-hmm.
How are you? Well, I'm at The Boston, so It's not so bad.
I was in Maryland this morning.
Mm.
I bet they didn't pay you in fries.
I'm, uh Yeah, I'm done with colleges for the summer.
I'm excited to get back into the New York scene, you know? I'm nervous, but, I mean, I'm excited, too, I think.
Um, hey, Pete, uh, I'm not trying to be callous, but I don't care.
COMEDIAN 2: Hey, what's up, everybody? Clap your hands, right? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about, I the whole thing, I mean it was shitty.
I didn't mean to break up with you on a street corner, after a show.
Okay.
I really am sorry.
Hmm, I kind of felt it that time.
Congrats on being a human being.
Hey, thanks.
What's happening here? What is this? What the fuck is that jacket? I'm trying something new.
It's G-Star.
Are you sure you should be wearing that? You're neither a G nor a star.
(LAUGHING) Is this it? - This is it.
- Okay.
Crazy, right? This is my Uh, Kev! - Hey! What's up? - What's up, man? This is, uh, this is Jaboukie.
Jaboukie, this is Kevin, my manager.
- Hey, what's up? - What's up? Nice to meet you.
You want to head in? I'll meet you down there? - Yeah, just, uh - Yeah, the white one.
- What's up, man? - How you doing? - I feel great.
Thanks for being here.
- Yeah? - You ready? - Yeah.
Do you have your set list? - Yeah.
- You sure you're ready? Yeah.
Good, because if you fuck this up, the door closes.
- Yeah, I'm gonna - Yeah, have fun.
- I want you to have fun.
- Okay.
- Oh, hey! - Hey! What's going on? Uh, just did a spot.
Here? - Yes.
- Holy shit! - Yeah! - I didn't know you were passed.
- Oh, I mean - Wow! I do, like, one spot every, like, two weeks or something.
That's crazy.
(STAMMERING): I, uh it's my audition.
- I'm auditioning tonight.
- Cool.
Yeah, I would love it if you could, uh, stay.
Uh, yeah, I'll try to stick around and watch.
- I mean, great! - Yeah! - I would love that! Yes! - All right, well have fun! Yeah, yeah! - Right.
Bye-bye.
- Okay, see you later.
- Peter! How are you, brother? - Pete! Oh my gosh, you both made it! - JESS: Yeah.
- I'm so glad.
It's so good to see you.
We just got back from two weeks in Tulum.
- Tulum? - It was magical.
- Tulum? - Yeah.
We swam with baby tortugas.
- Wow! - LEIF: Oh God, Peter, it took us to the next level, man.
- Without putting any labels on it.
- Yeah.
So you you guys are, like, together now? - Oh, I mean - We are.
We just are.
But are are you dating other people? - No, I'm not.
- No, me too.
So you guys are that's great you're together! That's how you see it.
LEIF: Peter, don't put us in one of your boxes.
- But you look good! - Yeah, are you excited? - I am, yeah.
- Okay.
I feel like I've been training for a marathon, so Not that I've ever run a marathon, but, you know Yeah, I do know.
I have run a marathon.
Well, not a marathon, 26 miles.
Just because that's the road that was in front of me.
- You're gonna do great.
- MAN: Artie! Hey! I just saw somebody that I'm very excited to see.
- I'm gonna Thank you for coming.
- Cool.
- I'll see you after.
- LEIF: Yeah.
Artie! Hey, hey, hey! - What's up, man? - Hey, buddy, good to see you.
Jeez, look at you! Hey, it's good to see you guys! This is fun! Yeah, Pete, is that a camouflage jacket? Yeah, it's G-Star.
- What, were you in the Cupcake Wars? - (CHUCKLES) - Thank you for your sacrifice.
- Estee, I'm I'm Pete.
- Who? - Pete Holmes.
- I'm auditioning for you.
- Pete Holmes, the guy I was telling you about.
The tall drink of milk.
Funny kid.
- Artie vouched for me.
- I did.
- You're going on after Elon.
- Okay.
Five minutes, light at four.
Don't go over.
- I aim to please.
- ARTIE: Just like sex.
Yeah, yeah.
It's really great to meet you.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
- All right, Pete.
We got it.
- Thank you again.
- Take a walk.
- All right.
- Okay, see you.
- See ya later, Pete.
- I had a stroke, man.
I had a stroke.
- (LAUGHTER) No, that's not funny.
Don't laugh at that shit.
Who's fucking laughing? And one thing I learned about having a stroke and being in New York: Nobody gives a fuck about your stroke, that's for sure.
You walk down the street, they, "Get the fuck out the way!" "What the fuck, man?" "Get the hell in the stroke lane!" "What the fuck is a stroke lane, man?" (LAUGHING) And then and then you gotta cross that street! That long-ass street with the countdown the light with the countdown on it.
It starts counting down, and my heart starts racing.
Oh, shit! What the fuck! - 17 16 - (LAUGHING) All of a sudden, I'm in a race with an old bitch in a walker.
15 (PANTING) (LAUGHTER) All right, man.
Y'all ready to keep this show going, man? Let's hear this shit, man! - (CHEERING) - Come on, man, we got more show.
Got a special guest spot coming stopping past.
Very funny guy.
Clubs and colleges all around the country.
Give it up for Pete Holmes! Come on, man! Pete Holmes! - Pete! - (CHEERING) Thank you! Wow, Keith Robinson! Keep it going for Keith.
(CHEERS) Wow, look at this.
Look at that.
I don't know.
I don't know Comedy Cellar, you know, if I'm gonna You might have to put in a skylight for me.
This isn't right.
You guys pee in the pool? Clap your hands if you pee in the pool.
- Don't be afraid.
- (APPLAUSE) Pee.
No pee.
Pee.
Pee.
No pee.
All the no pee-ers, you gotta pee in the pool.
It is one of the truest acts of freedom you can do as a human adult.
To stand up to here in water, three feet away from a stranger, just like, "What's going on?" (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER CONTINUING) "Let's get closer.
" We used to pee so much in the pool when I was a kid, they actually went so far as to put a chemical in the water that would make the water turn red if you peed in it.
Anybody else have a pool that did this? We used to try and frame kids.
We'd swim up to them real close, pee, then swim away.
They'd get kicked out.
But the best thing to do was to go on the high-dive, the highest diving board they had, run off, pee your pants in mid-air.
When you hit the water, do the dead-man's float.
- The water turned red.
- (LAUGHTER) Everyone thought you exploded.
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) - Thank you, guys, very much! What a thrill! Comedy Cellar! Woo! Thank you! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) KEITH: All right.
Give it up for Pete Holmes, man! - Woo! - AUDIENCE: Woo! - Jaboukie! - Dude, that's so good! - Man! - Like, for real, you killed it.
I fucking They're right there, they're right there.
- They're so good! That was amazing! - Yeah.
Yeah, great job! Thank you! What's going on? What are you What's going on? Oh! Uh, um I actually hit up the person that I knew in New York, and they ended up getting me a spot.
You here? Here? Yeah, I'm shocked, too.
Yeah.
Oh my God! Dude, who? Michelle Wolf.
She's, like, college friends with my sister, and I saw her.
You hit up Michelle Wolf? Yeah, uh, she I, like, saw her last Christmas or whatever.
Dude, that's amazing.
You should have told me.
I want to meet Michelle Wolf.
- Yeah, she's cool.
- Right? - Yeah, she's cool.
- She's cool! It's just a guest set, but they're amazing.
You're gonna fucking kill.
- Yeah? They're good? - It's amazing! Yes! Look at us, man! Yesterday morning, we were at Goucher College.
Now, big-time.
- This is what I said we'd do lighting it up! - Right.
Yeah.
I'm proud of you.
I'm happy for you.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Jaboukie Young-White! (CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) Come on, man! Jaboukie! JABOUKIE: What's up? What's up? Michelle fucking Wolf.
What's up? I'm multiracial.
Anybody multiracial? - Anybody? Yeah, yeah! Awesome! - (CHEERS) Um, I am, and it's kind of weird, though, 'cause, like, I've noticed that my race changes from city to city in, like, a weird way.
Like, when I'm in Chicago, people just think that I'm half black, half white.
When I'm in New York, people think that I'm Puerto Rican.
But when I'm in CVS, everyone thinks I'm stealing.
(LAUGHTER) Which is, like, really frustrating, 'cause I am.
I don't know how to drive.
I can't drive, so I just gotta, like, Uber everywhere, like, if I need to drive.
And for the first time, the other day, I had an Uber driver that had a 3.
8 rating.
Like, are you murdering people? (LAUGHTER) What's going on? I, like, got out the car, like, zig-zagged into my apartment, just in case he, like (BLOWS) - Just like, "Aah!" - (LAUGHTER) Just, like, blow-darts me, takes my phone, gives himself five stars.
(LAUGHTER) These drivers be thirsty.
(LAUGHTER) I just never took the time You were always on my mind You were always on my mind Hello.
Pete.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
(IN ITALIAN ACCENT): Pellegrino.
So So.
You're not ready.
Really? I I thought I killed.
I mean, they I killed.
No.
A strong bomb is better than a weak kill.
Is there Sorry.
What? What? Who are you, why are you, and why now? I have plenty of white guys talking about nothing.
Is it is there something, I mean Look, it didn't do anything for me.
- Estee! - Oh hi, Greer! - How are you? Sit down, sit down.
- Good.
Good.
- How was it? - Oh, it was fantastic.
- Wanda Sykes stopped in.
- ESTEE: Really? - Yeah, she did well.
- ESTEE: I don't expect anything less from her.
JABOUKIE: My go-to.
The only thing that stays the same is the fact that I get followed in like every CVS, basically.
And every city has a CVS.
- Exactly! So it works.
- Hey, man.
- Uh, what's going on? What's up? - Hey, what's up? - Uh, Estee, this is, uh, this is Jaboukie.
- I know.
He, um, he's my opener.
I mean, one time.
So, um, send me your avails.
You can e-mail them, - or you can text me, okay? - Okay.
- My number is 917 - 917.
- 439 - 439.
Okay, you're gonna Okay.
ALI: Actually, it's pretty good pizza Oh, hey! Pete! Hey! That was a good set! Are you fucking with me? No, it was really good.
Why? What'd she say? She said no! She said a bunch of fucking riddles, and then she said no.
It's a no.
Oh, I'm really sorry.
- What? - This must be a big moment for you.
This is your I-told-you-so, right? - What? - Everything you said: I'm fucking corny, I'm not an artist, I'm not one of the cool kids, right? What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not rooting against you, okay? I hate to break it to you, but I'm not invested in you on that level.
I just wanted to tell you that you had a good set, because you fucking did.
So relax, and quit being a fucking little bitch.
- Well, clearly I didn't have a fucking good set.
- You did! - I didn't.
- I watched you! So what, you didn't get passed, - it's fine! - This has been six months, do you understand? - It kept me fucking - Oh my God! Six months! Ha! You don't know what it's like.
I'm on the fucking - I don't know what it's like? - Yes, you don't! I fucking wasted, like, half the year for this! I - I'm sorry.
Thank you for coming.
- I'm I really am sorry! You were great.
I think you got screwed.
I appreciate I appreciate the support.
KEITH: I haven't seen that type of look in her eyes since '92 when Chappelle went on stage.
- JABOUKIE: Yo! - Yeah, no bullshit, man.
And she had that look like, "Oh!" You know what I mean? And it pissed me off, to be honest with you.
Jaboukie.
Jaboukie! Let's go, man, I called the Uber.
- All right.
No problem, man.
- Yeah, thanks, man.
You definitely should've gotten a spot, too.
Like, I don't know what was going on with that lady or whatever, but No, man, you were great.
That was a great set.
- You're really fucking funny.
- Um, thanks, but like, I mean, that was, like, a fluke, you know, I probably couldn't - do that again if I had to.
- Don't.
Don't downplay it.
You'll kill next time.
I'll be fine.
You did I just want to get the fuck out of here.
- Come on.
- I'm actually gonna hang back if that's cool? It's just, like, I'm never really in New York, so like - Yeah.
No, okay.
- Yeah.
- I really appreciate it.
- Have fun.
Fuck.
- Artie - I saw the set.
Motherfucker, don't fuck with me right now.
I'm serious! I can't fucking take this right now, okay? Okay, you're clearly upset.
Let's work through this.
Psycho therapy, Psycho therapy Psycho therapy That's what they want to give me Ooh! (CHUCKLES) So what'd she say? She said I don't do anything for her.
The kid's done it, like, five times! It's aggravating, but just get over it.
He fucking jumped the line, okay? I've been grinding it out, it was my turn! He can't just swoop around me! This is the game.
You gotta get over this mountain, and especially in New York City, it's important.
I mean, look, the booker thinks you're a hack, I'm sorry.
You vouched for me! I've been know to make a lot of bad decisions.
- Look at these goggles.
- Artie, I thought I was helping him, - he didn't need me at all.
- Welcome to life, man.
You picked the wrong kid to mentor, dude.
You mentor somebody who stinks, and you let him sleep on the couch.
- Thanks.
That's that's nice.
- Is that all right? Ah, I know it's bullshit, but, honestly, I'm sorry buddy.
There's ups and downs.
And look at me.
Is there any more proof that things can get better? Ha! All I am is all I need These city boy blues and these suicide queens And I said what I said 'cause I love you so much Now I'm pulling these wires on the cross city bus 'Cause tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight Yeah, tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight All I want is what I can't take But tonight, tonight tonight, tonight All I am is all I know And it's drugstore love for these drugstore girls And I just want to feel What can never be sold And I don't wanna die in a nuclear war Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight Every fire, the fires inside But tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight
What?! Who is this? I'm sorry, I should have grabbed a bigger towel.
My wife slept with somebody else today.
- WOMAN: Oh boy, go write some jokes.
- (AUDIENCE LAUGHS) Great live comedy tonight.
PETE: I'm going through a divorce, I'm kind of floating around.
- Oh, you're homeless.
- No - Do you have a home? - No ARTIE LANGE: Don't put your face in this pillow, bad shit happened to this pillow.
(CHUCKLES) PETE HOLMES: So much of my life, I was afraid of God.
- Maybe I missed out.
- Really? You? I could use a drink, yeah! I think you should take me home.
(LAUGHS) - Mmm! - You're the second person in my entire life - I've ever made love to.
- Oh my God.
I feel like I sinned.
Ooh, sounds to me like you are expanding your mind.
The whole point of New York is you can like bounce around to different spots.
- He's funny, right? - He'll be funny in three years.
I'm trying to get into the college market.
I just submitted a tape to NACA.
NACA changed my life.
I book 80 colleges, I haven't had a real job since.
- NACA! (CHEERING) - Aah! (CHEERS) You've got six so far, and I'm working on more.
You're my new show pony.
(AUDIENCE CHANTS) Roast! Roast! Roast! News flash, Pete.
Jesus isn't coming back, - and neither is your wife.
- Ooh! I don't know how I walk away from that and just forget it.
What kind of comedian can't take a joke? - I don't want to date.
- Nice.
I packed up my stuff, I can't go back to Artie.
I can't go back to my roommate.
You know what you need to do.
You gotta go back to your life.
Seriously, dude.
You gotta get outta here.
- It's time.
- Yeah.
(AS AL PACINO): I'm Al Pacino here to tell you to take exit 5-0-0.
5-0.
Get free from the middleman You got no time for the messenger Got no regard for the thing that you don't understand I, uh, I'm not a big ladies man.
I don't even have sex in my dreams that's true.
- I can't seal the deal in my dreams.
- (WOMEN LAUGH) I hit on women in real life, they're like, "In your dreams," I'm like, "No.
" (LAUGHTER) "Not even there.
" (VOCALIZES): Eh! You ever just been in your dorm room, watching a movie alone? It gets really funny, and you're kind of locked in the movie and you forget that you're by yourself and you have that first little laugh just you, just like (CHUCKLES) And then you turn to the friend that should be there.
And you're just (GUFFAWS) "I'm so alone.
" Hi.
Miss Tyree.
- Oh, hi! - I'm one of the administrators.
- So nice to meet you.
- You were funny, really funny.
Well, thank you.
What do you do now? (VIGOROUS MOANING) (AS AL PACINO): My milkshake brings all the girls to the yard And they're like, "Hey! It's better than yours" They're like, "Whoo-ah!" When you bring me up, would you just make sure "Pete Holmes" is the last thing you say? Just like, "Yadda, yadda, yadda, clubs and colleges Pete Holmes.
" Then I'll come out.
That's important.
- Okay, but I'm not introducing you.
- What? What do you mean? Last month, we had a student comedy competition and first prize was opening for you.
(STAMMERS) I have an opener? (AUDIENCE MURMURING) (QUIETLY): What's up, man? - Hey.
Pete.
- Hey, what's up? Yeah.
Jaboukie.
I saw your YouTube stuff.
- You did? - Yeah, you're super funny.
- Oh, I'm so glad we're doing this.
- Yeah, I'm super excited that this was able to, like, work out.
- I don't know if you had a say in anything.
- No, this was a surprise.
But this is a good surprise.
I've been on the road for weeks and weeks.
- Oh.
- I'm like just I mean, it's great to do a show with another comic.
I'm not, like, a professional comedian or anything.
I'm still kind of new.
- How old are you? - I'm 20.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Jeez, man that's awesome I'm 33.
Cool.
I feel like more straight people should use Grindr.
(LAUGHTER) If you don't know what that is, that's a gay dating app.
Uh, just because, like, gay people get a lot of, like, consent talk out of the way, up top, on Grindr, like, "What are you into? When was the last time you were gonna get tested? Are you the top or the bottom? Blah, blah, blah.
" We, like, establish a lot up top.
But for straight people on dating apps, it's just sort of like, - "Mmm, I like pizza and memes.
" - (LAUGHTER) Or like, "Here's a picture of me holding a fish," like (LAUGHTER) It took me a while to come out to my family, just because my parents are Jamaican and homophobia is our second-best Olympic sport, so that definitely took a minute, um But I feel like parents always kind of know that stuff, though.
And I could tell, because my dad would give my brothers advice, and my dad would tell my brothers, "Find a gal that makes you feel like you don't deserve her," which is beautiful.
He would just tell me, "Don't do cocaine.
" (LAUGHTER) And I have, so, like, what's up, Daddio? You know? Um But also, like, me and my brothers were just, like, so different from each other growing up, like, both my brothers are, like, taller than me, they're fitter than me, they carry themselves with confidence, you know? But I'm like small, pale, I carry myself like an inbred European prince.
(LAUGHTER) But I know I'm not ugly.
(LAUGHTER) I know that.
Like, on a one to ten scale, I don't think I could, like, model, but I could definitely end a Republican senator's career.
(LAUGHTER) PETE: That was a fucking great set.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Thanks, yeah, I appreciate it.
Dude, what are you doing in Maryland? Going to college.
- Yeah, but - (CHUCKLES) You're three hours from the greatest comedy scene - In the world.
- in the world.
Orlando, Florida.
(LAUGHING) No, no! Manhattan! You're three hours from Manhattan, you should How often are you getting up? - Like once or twice a month.
- That that's what I'm saying.
So you're this good going up that infrequently? Imagine how good you'll get when you're really doing it.
It's all who you know.
You know, you ever get to the city, look me up.
I I can save you five years of bullshit, get you in the right places.
- Anytime, really.
- I'm serious.
So am I.
I'm not doing shit here, like, truly.
I'm majoring in Philosophy, like, I don't fucking do anything.
- I made three Pringles bongs this week, alone.
- That's kind of impressive.
Thank you, I feel like I'm in prison.
(LAUGHS) I'm leaving tomorrow morning.
You want a ride, you can I have a place.
You can crash at my place, we'll do spots.
- Okay.
Yeah, I'm down.
- Really? Are you serious? - Yeah, no, I'm serious.
- I'm fucking serious.
- I'm down to go.
- I could use some fucking company.
You can drive? Can you drive? - Candy is the best.
- It really is.
- It's made by science.
- Yeah, to be fucking delicious.
Someone with a PhD was like, "What does the mouth want?" - (LAUGHS) - We've got it.
- PETE: Skittles? You ever have a Skittle? - Skittles.
The rainbow kingdom.
PETE (LAUGHS): Yes.
Can I ask why you got into comedy? - You seem you seem pretty normal.
- (LAUGHS) - I mean, you know what I mean.
- Yeah.
- Like, we're we're a bruised people.
- Yeah.
- What happened to you? - Um I feel It was just, like, a result of my surroundings, kind of? I grew up in this, like, low-income, black neighborhood.
I went to this, like, rich, white school, and I just felt, like, I don't know, growing up, like, "funny" was a more stable identity than whatever I had to do to, like, go back and forth between that.
So I just, like, was, like, "Okay if I'm the funny kid, then I'm the funny kid no matter where I am.
" 'Cause, you know And it's also, like, nobody funny-bashes.
- You know? - (LAUGHTER) Like, no one is gonna attack you for doing bits in a conversation.
I wish there wasn't any bashing.
That'd be ideal, but then I might not be a comedian, so Have you ever been to The Cellar? Um, no, I've seen, like, videos of it.
That's where, like, Schumer goes up with, like, Madonna.
- Yeah.
Right? You never know.
- Right.
You never know who's gonna go up.
Sometimes it's Schumer, you might follow Chappelle, Rock it's all the best ones.
Like, even getting an audition at the Cellar? I mean, it's huge.
It's a really, really big deal.
- Wow.
- So somebody vouched for me, I get to go up even that, it's like, it's just an honor to be nominated.
But if I kill, and everybody kills, you get in now I'm doing two-to-three spots a night, instead of two-to-three spots a week.
- Wow.
- The right people see me, I get a late-night spot, maybe I get a half-hour, maybe I get an hour, maybe I tour, maybe I open for somebody, I mean - Dude, that's awesome! - It's incredible.
- That's really cool.
- I mean I don't want to say New York's my town, but it's kind of, you know, it is, it's my town.
- Can I kick it? - Yes, you can Okay, come in.
Okay.
Pretty nice.
Yeah, I'm never here as you can tell.
It's basically just a crash pad.
- Can I kick it? - Yes, you can Can I kick it? Obviously, that's The Cellar.
Uh-huh.
- Around the corner is The Boston.
- Uh-huh.
It's in New York, but they call it The Boston.
That's where I started out.
That's where a lot of the greats start out.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) - Hey! - Ho! Petey! - What's going on? - Hey, buddy! - Back from the back from the college tour, right? - Yeah.
Oh my God! It's so good to be back! How are shows, selling? Oh, it's great! Yeah! It's, um It's actually doing well, you know? - Good! - You know this Comedy Cellar around the corner, everybody's showing up to see whether or not one of the disgraced comedians are gonna come back and make an appearance, and, uh, they fill up, people find their way over here.
Overflow, baby! - That's great! - Yeah, it's cool.
We're selling some tickets.
- Good.
It's good to be back.
- Yeah.
- This is Jaboukie.
- Jaboody? - Jaboukie, with a "K.
" - Jaboukie.
- Star Wars? - He opened for me on my coll - well, one of the college shows.
- Oh yeah? I just wanted to show him the old haunt, that's all.
(LAUGHING): "Old haunt.
" All right, hotshot.
Nah, listen, it's good to see you.
Come on in.
COMEDIAN: I had to call for a cab to the airport and I said, "Uh, hey, can I get a taxi to LaGuardia at noon tomorrow?" And the guy goes, "Okay, bye!" (LAUGHTER) Hey, maybe don't hang up the phone just yet.
(LAUGHTER) Aren't you supposed to ask me for my address, tell me how much this is going to cost, or, I don't know, do anything at all to convince me a transaction has just been made over the telephone? (LAUGHTER) Here's the weirdest part: he showed up! (LAUGHTER) Pretty popular guy.
I, uh, I gotta say hi to somebody.
Real quick.
I'll be right back.
COMEDIAN: I'm in a relationship now.
I have a girlfriend who is (CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY) Hey.
Hey.
Okay.
Good to see you.
That was weird, sorry.
I'm, uh, I'm back.
I'm back.
- In the flesh.
- Yeah.
It's good to see you.
Mmm-hmm.
How are you? Well, I'm at The Boston, so It's not so bad.
I was in Maryland this morning.
Mm.
I bet they didn't pay you in fries.
I'm, uh Yeah, I'm done with colleges for the summer.
I'm excited to get back into the New York scene, you know? I'm nervous, but, I mean, I'm excited, too, I think.
Um, hey, Pete, uh, I'm not trying to be callous, but I don't care.
COMEDIAN 2: Hey, what's up, everybody? Clap your hands, right? I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about, I the whole thing, I mean it was shitty.
I didn't mean to break up with you on a street corner, after a show.
Okay.
I really am sorry.
Hmm, I kind of felt it that time.
Congrats on being a human being.
Hey, thanks.
What's happening here? What is this? What the fuck is that jacket? I'm trying something new.
It's G-Star.
Are you sure you should be wearing that? You're neither a G nor a star.
(LAUGHING) Is this it? - This is it.
- Okay.
Crazy, right? This is my Uh, Kev! - Hey! What's up? - What's up, man? This is, uh, this is Jaboukie.
Jaboukie, this is Kevin, my manager.
- Hey, what's up? - What's up? Nice to meet you.
You want to head in? I'll meet you down there? - Yeah, just, uh - Yeah, the white one.
- What's up, man? - How you doing? - I feel great.
Thanks for being here.
- Yeah? - You ready? - Yeah.
Do you have your set list? - Yeah.
- You sure you're ready? Yeah.
Good, because if you fuck this up, the door closes.
- Yeah, I'm gonna - Yeah, have fun.
- I want you to have fun.
- Okay.
- Oh, hey! - Hey! What's going on? Uh, just did a spot.
Here? - Yes.
- Holy shit! - Yeah! - I didn't know you were passed.
- Oh, I mean - Wow! I do, like, one spot every, like, two weeks or something.
That's crazy.
(STAMMERING): I, uh it's my audition.
- I'm auditioning tonight.
- Cool.
Yeah, I would love it if you could, uh, stay.
Uh, yeah, I'll try to stick around and watch.
- I mean, great! - Yeah! - I would love that! Yes! - All right, well have fun! Yeah, yeah! - Right.
Bye-bye.
- Okay, see you later.
- Peter! How are you, brother? - Pete! Oh my gosh, you both made it! - JESS: Yeah.
- I'm so glad.
It's so good to see you.
We just got back from two weeks in Tulum.
- Tulum? - It was magical.
- Tulum? - Yeah.
We swam with baby tortugas.
- Wow! - LEIF: Oh God, Peter, it took us to the next level, man.
- Without putting any labels on it.
- Yeah.
So you you guys are, like, together now? - Oh, I mean - We are.
We just are.
But are are you dating other people? - No, I'm not.
- No, me too.
So you guys are that's great you're together! That's how you see it.
LEIF: Peter, don't put us in one of your boxes.
- But you look good! - Yeah, are you excited? - I am, yeah.
- Okay.
I feel like I've been training for a marathon, so Not that I've ever run a marathon, but, you know Yeah, I do know.
I have run a marathon.
Well, not a marathon, 26 miles.
Just because that's the road that was in front of me.
- You're gonna do great.
- MAN: Artie! Hey! I just saw somebody that I'm very excited to see.
- I'm gonna Thank you for coming.
- Cool.
- I'll see you after.
- LEIF: Yeah.
Artie! Hey, hey, hey! - What's up, man? - Hey, buddy, good to see you.
Jeez, look at you! Hey, it's good to see you guys! This is fun! Yeah, Pete, is that a camouflage jacket? Yeah, it's G-Star.
- What, were you in the Cupcake Wars? - (CHUCKLES) - Thank you for your sacrifice.
- Estee, I'm I'm Pete.
- Who? - Pete Holmes.
- I'm auditioning for you.
- Pete Holmes, the guy I was telling you about.
The tall drink of milk.
Funny kid.
- Artie vouched for me.
- I did.
- You're going on after Elon.
- Okay.
Five minutes, light at four.
Don't go over.
- I aim to please.
- ARTIE: Just like sex.
Yeah, yeah.
It's really great to meet you.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you.
- All right, Pete.
We got it.
- Thank you again.
- Take a walk.
- All right.
- Okay, see you.
- See ya later, Pete.
- I had a stroke, man.
I had a stroke.
- (LAUGHTER) No, that's not funny.
Don't laugh at that shit.
Who's fucking laughing? And one thing I learned about having a stroke and being in New York: Nobody gives a fuck about your stroke, that's for sure.
You walk down the street, they, "Get the fuck out the way!" "What the fuck, man?" "Get the hell in the stroke lane!" "What the fuck is a stroke lane, man?" (LAUGHING) And then and then you gotta cross that street! That long-ass street with the countdown the light with the countdown on it.
It starts counting down, and my heart starts racing.
Oh, shit! What the fuck! - 17 16 - (LAUGHING) All of a sudden, I'm in a race with an old bitch in a walker.
15 (PANTING) (LAUGHTER) All right, man.
Y'all ready to keep this show going, man? Let's hear this shit, man! - (CHEERING) - Come on, man, we got more show.
Got a special guest spot coming stopping past.
Very funny guy.
Clubs and colleges all around the country.
Give it up for Pete Holmes! Come on, man! Pete Holmes! - Pete! - (CHEERING) Thank you! Wow, Keith Robinson! Keep it going for Keith.
(CHEERS) Wow, look at this.
Look at that.
I don't know.
I don't know Comedy Cellar, you know, if I'm gonna You might have to put in a skylight for me.
This isn't right.
You guys pee in the pool? Clap your hands if you pee in the pool.
- Don't be afraid.
- (APPLAUSE) Pee.
No pee.
Pee.
Pee.
No pee.
All the no pee-ers, you gotta pee in the pool.
It is one of the truest acts of freedom you can do as a human adult.
To stand up to here in water, three feet away from a stranger, just like, "What's going on?" (LAUGHTER) (LAUGHTER CONTINUING) "Let's get closer.
" We used to pee so much in the pool when I was a kid, they actually went so far as to put a chemical in the water that would make the water turn red if you peed in it.
Anybody else have a pool that did this? We used to try and frame kids.
We'd swim up to them real close, pee, then swim away.
They'd get kicked out.
But the best thing to do was to go on the high-dive, the highest diving board they had, run off, pee your pants in mid-air.
When you hit the water, do the dead-man's float.
- The water turned red.
- (LAUGHTER) Everyone thought you exploded.
- (LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE) - Thank you, guys, very much! What a thrill! Comedy Cellar! Woo! Thank you! (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) KEITH: All right.
Give it up for Pete Holmes, man! - Woo! - AUDIENCE: Woo! - Jaboukie! - Dude, that's so good! - Man! - Like, for real, you killed it.
I fucking They're right there, they're right there.
- They're so good! That was amazing! - Yeah.
Yeah, great job! Thank you! What's going on? What are you What's going on? Oh! Uh, um I actually hit up the person that I knew in New York, and they ended up getting me a spot.
You here? Here? Yeah, I'm shocked, too.
Yeah.
Oh my God! Dude, who? Michelle Wolf.
She's, like, college friends with my sister, and I saw her.
You hit up Michelle Wolf? Yeah, uh, she I, like, saw her last Christmas or whatever.
Dude, that's amazing.
You should have told me.
I want to meet Michelle Wolf.
- Yeah, she's cool.
- Right? - Yeah, she's cool.
- She's cool! It's just a guest set, but they're amazing.
You're gonna fucking kill.
- Yeah? They're good? - It's amazing! Yes! Look at us, man! Yesterday morning, we were at Goucher College.
Now, big-time.
- This is what I said we'd do lighting it up! - Right.
Yeah.
I'm proud of you.
I'm happy for you.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Jaboukie Young-White! (CHEERING AND APPLAUDING) Come on, man! Jaboukie! JABOUKIE: What's up? What's up? Michelle fucking Wolf.
What's up? I'm multiracial.
Anybody multiracial? - Anybody? Yeah, yeah! Awesome! - (CHEERS) Um, I am, and it's kind of weird, though, 'cause, like, I've noticed that my race changes from city to city in, like, a weird way.
Like, when I'm in Chicago, people just think that I'm half black, half white.
When I'm in New York, people think that I'm Puerto Rican.
But when I'm in CVS, everyone thinks I'm stealing.
(LAUGHTER) Which is, like, really frustrating, 'cause I am.
I don't know how to drive.
I can't drive, so I just gotta, like, Uber everywhere, like, if I need to drive.
And for the first time, the other day, I had an Uber driver that had a 3.
8 rating.
Like, are you murdering people? (LAUGHTER) What's going on? I, like, got out the car, like, zig-zagged into my apartment, just in case he, like (BLOWS) - Just like, "Aah!" - (LAUGHTER) Just, like, blow-darts me, takes my phone, gives himself five stars.
(LAUGHTER) These drivers be thirsty.
(LAUGHTER) I just never took the time You were always on my mind You were always on my mind Hello.
Pete.
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
(IN ITALIAN ACCENT): Pellegrino.
So So.
You're not ready.
Really? I I thought I killed.
I mean, they I killed.
No.
A strong bomb is better than a weak kill.
Is there Sorry.
What? What? Who are you, why are you, and why now? I have plenty of white guys talking about nothing.
Is it is there something, I mean Look, it didn't do anything for me.
- Estee! - Oh hi, Greer! - How are you? Sit down, sit down.
- Good.
Good.
- How was it? - Oh, it was fantastic.
- Wanda Sykes stopped in.
- ESTEE: Really? - Yeah, she did well.
- ESTEE: I don't expect anything less from her.
JABOUKIE: My go-to.
The only thing that stays the same is the fact that I get followed in like every CVS, basically.
And every city has a CVS.
- Exactly! So it works.
- Hey, man.
- Uh, what's going on? What's up? - Hey, what's up? - Uh, Estee, this is, uh, this is Jaboukie.
- I know.
He, um, he's my opener.
I mean, one time.
So, um, send me your avails.
You can e-mail them, - or you can text me, okay? - Okay.
- My number is 917 - 917.
- 439 - 439.
Okay, you're gonna Okay.
ALI: Actually, it's pretty good pizza Oh, hey! Pete! Hey! That was a good set! Are you fucking with me? No, it was really good.
Why? What'd she say? She said no! She said a bunch of fucking riddles, and then she said no.
It's a no.
Oh, I'm really sorry.
- What? - This must be a big moment for you.
This is your I-told-you-so, right? - What? - Everything you said: I'm fucking corny, I'm not an artist, I'm not one of the cool kids, right? What the fuck are you talking about? I'm not rooting against you, okay? I hate to break it to you, but I'm not invested in you on that level.
I just wanted to tell you that you had a good set, because you fucking did.
So relax, and quit being a fucking little bitch.
- Well, clearly I didn't have a fucking good set.
- You did! - I didn't.
- I watched you! So what, you didn't get passed, - it's fine! - This has been six months, do you understand? - It kept me fucking - Oh my God! Six months! Ha! You don't know what it's like.
I'm on the fucking - I don't know what it's like? - Yes, you don't! I fucking wasted, like, half the year for this! I - I'm sorry.
Thank you for coming.
- I'm I really am sorry! You were great.
I think you got screwed.
I appreciate I appreciate the support.
KEITH: I haven't seen that type of look in her eyes since '92 when Chappelle went on stage.
- JABOUKIE: Yo! - Yeah, no bullshit, man.
And she had that look like, "Oh!" You know what I mean? And it pissed me off, to be honest with you.
Jaboukie.
Jaboukie! Let's go, man, I called the Uber.
- All right.
No problem, man.
- Yeah, thanks, man.
You definitely should've gotten a spot, too.
Like, I don't know what was going on with that lady or whatever, but No, man, you were great.
That was a great set.
- You're really fucking funny.
- Um, thanks, but like, I mean, that was, like, a fluke, you know, I probably couldn't - do that again if I had to.
- Don't.
Don't downplay it.
You'll kill next time.
I'll be fine.
You did I just want to get the fuck out of here.
- Come on.
- I'm actually gonna hang back if that's cool? It's just, like, I'm never really in New York, so like - Yeah.
No, okay.
- Yeah.
- I really appreciate it.
- Have fun.
Fuck.
- Artie - I saw the set.
Motherfucker, don't fuck with me right now.
I'm serious! I can't fucking take this right now, okay? Okay, you're clearly upset.
Let's work through this.
Psycho therapy, Psycho therapy Psycho therapy That's what they want to give me Ooh! (CHUCKLES) So what'd she say? She said I don't do anything for her.
The kid's done it, like, five times! It's aggravating, but just get over it.
He fucking jumped the line, okay? I've been grinding it out, it was my turn! He can't just swoop around me! This is the game.
You gotta get over this mountain, and especially in New York City, it's important.
I mean, look, the booker thinks you're a hack, I'm sorry.
You vouched for me! I've been know to make a lot of bad decisions.
- Look at these goggles.
- Artie, I thought I was helping him, - he didn't need me at all.
- Welcome to life, man.
You picked the wrong kid to mentor, dude.
You mentor somebody who stinks, and you let him sleep on the couch.
- Thanks.
That's that's nice.
- Is that all right? Ah, I know it's bullshit, but, honestly, I'm sorry buddy.
There's ups and downs.
And look at me.
Is there any more proof that things can get better? Ha! All I am is all I need These city boy blues and these suicide queens And I said what I said 'cause I love you so much Now I'm pulling these wires on the cross city bus 'Cause tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight Yeah, tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight All I want is what I can't take But tonight, tonight tonight, tonight All I am is all I know And it's drugstore love for these drugstore girls And I just want to feel What can never be sold And I don't wanna die in a nuclear war Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight Every fire, the fires inside But tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight Tonight, tonight, tonight, tonight