Dan Vs. (2010) s03e01 Episode Script

(norad voice over p.
a.
) Enabling nuclear strike commands.
Dan, don't do it! Do you mind? I am trying to concentrate here.
You're going to start World War 3! Well, duh! (norad voice over p.
a.
) Launch codes authenticated.
It's the only way to make sure I get that stupid squirrel! and his whole stupid squirrel family (norad voice over p.
a.
) Warheads armed.
Initiating launch sequence.
Dan, I don't ask much of you, but could you please not destroy the entire planet!? I'm sorry, Chris.
It's too late for that now.
Elise?! What are you doing h--ow! Stopping you from killing us all! Let me go! It's the only way! That's not exactly how I remember things, your honor.
The security tapes are pretty clear on the matter.
So, what am we being charged with? Treason? Attempted Extinction of the Human Race? Trespassing.
The United States government would like the world to remain ignorant of how close it was to total annihilation.
And how easily you got hold of the launch codes and infiltrated NORAD.
(dan laughs) It WAS pretty easy.
And since this entire incident arose because you were angry at a squirrel-- --a FAMILY of squirrels, your honor.
And if you knew them, you'd be on my side.
I'm giving you a choice.
Ten years in prison, or four weeks of anger management classes.
Why did I get sentenced to anger management classes? You were my accessory.
Today, we're really going to open up.
Express our feelings in a safe, non-judgmental environment.
Remember, it's okay to cry.
I choose prison.
Dan! Ahhh! "ANGER MANAGEMENT!!!" We'd better get back inside.
Non-judgmental environments are for losers, Chris.
Oh? And who's prison for? Men with principles.
Don't you think four weeks of this is better than 10 years of hard labor, orange jumpsuits and the everpresent risk of being stabbed with a sharpened toothbrush? All right, let's get started with the touchy-feely.
Quick, somebody validate my personhood.
I know how you're feeling, Dan.
We've all been there too.
Oh, sure.
Cute girls with PhD's have all the problems.
Everyone has anger.
Right guys? I'll say! I beat up the Dalai Lama.
The trick is learning to control your rage, so it doesn't control you.
Sounds unsatisfying.
How about instead, we all go in on a flamethrower? Who's with me? Maybe it's a little early to jump right into group.
Let's start with some basic psychological testing.
They're going to put us in a maze and make us find cheese.
If we don't do it in time, they zap us with electricity.
What kind of cheese? Stupid multiple choice (whispering) Psst! What? (whispering) What did you get for number 15? I'm not going to help you cheat on a psychological evaluation! Fine! (muttering) Jerk.
Words and images will appear on the screen.
When you see something that makes you angry, click the button.
Like that.
Got it? Dan? Are you okay? Rrraahhhrrr! Well, you have some interesting results.
First off, you're the only person I've ever seen fill out one of our questionnaires in blood.
Just to clarify, it wasn't my blood.
Was it, "Mister-I-can't-stop- clicking-my-pen"? I'm still not speaking to you.
Generally, we measure rage on a scale of one to about fifty.
What's Dan? Forty-nine? Ow! See? Actually he's somewhere around eighty.
Hogwash! You said the scale only goes up to fifty.
That's for normal human emotion.
You're well outside of that.
The closest equivalent to your anger level would be oh, let me see An alligator.
With a toothache.
Okay, moving on that is repeatedly being poked with a sharp stick.
I get it, all right!? Chris, on the other hand, is a point five.
See? I have my anger under control.
Kiss up.
Actually, it's not good to have an underdeveloped anger reflex, either.
Ha! When anger is repressed, it can erupt in spontaneous bursts.
Or manifest in other ways.
Other ways? Like, like what? Like uncontrolled eating.
Huh.
So what, exactly, are you supposed to do about it? Not sure, really.
Get in touch with my anger somehow and express it in a healthy way.
And then you'll be a real boy? Maybe.
Well, don't go too far with the anger thing.
I like you the way you are.
Aw It would be a shame to have to put you down.
And let's give a special welcome to Chris and Dan, who are joining us for the first time.
Hi, Chris.
Hi Dan.
We love you.
Lady, you don't even know me.
Today we'll be talking about "triggers.
" What are some of the things that set us off? For example, mine is littering.
Francine? I get really angry when-- Traffic! I hate traffic.
Burt I hate when people interrupt me-- Oh, me too.
--when I'm speaking! It's so-- Yeah, that's the worst.
I'm going to take a "time out" now.
That's great, Francine.
Whoa, that's some language.
Chris? Is there anything that makes you disproportionately angry? I don't like being hit in the face.
That makes me angry.
Is that okay? It's a start.
Dan? Look, I don't think this is for me.
Why would I sit here talking about what bothers me when I could be out there doing something about it? Why don't you give it a try? We're all here for you.
Please? Fine.
Stuff that makes me angry Um, I don't have the whole list here.
Most of my notebooks are in a storage facility in Sherman Oaks.
Okay, from the top.
Uh blood-sucking ticks that one's self explanatory Wisconsin Aarrgh! There! That is a perfect example! Car alarms! "You know what I need? A siren that goes off every time someone in the neighborhood sneezes!" Tell me about it.
So annoying! I think we can all agree there.
But before we let our emotions run away with us-- And when, in the history of the human race, has a car alarm ever actually prevented a crime?! Yeah! All right, let's all just take a moment to-- You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to go out there and rip that car apart with my bare hands until I find that stupid alarm and stomp it into a thousand little pieces! Let's do it! Wait, wait, everyone--! HAVOC! And they're setting the car on fire.
(whoomph) (cheering) That's my car.
Whoops.
I don't understand why you're mad at me.
You incited a riot in my anger management class! By accident! And please, one burning car does not a riot make.
It was MY car! I know that! You've said it like a hundred times already! You HAVE said it a lot, Amber.
Step outside of yourself.
Experience the moment from a fresh perspective.
Look, I didn't mean to start an angry mob.
It just sort of happened.
And we're very sorry your car got destroyed.
Besides, I thought I was supposed to share how I was feeling.
You are.
I guess I can't fault you for that.
I do want you to be honest and open.
Okay.
I think Anger Management is a joke.
Also, you wear a little too much makeup.
Please don't send us to prison.
Thank you both for volunteering.
Who volunteered? I think it's important to keep our schools clean, don't you? I mean, the children-- rotten, no-good Step outside yourself Step outside yourself She's about to snap.
Believe me, I know the signs.
Maybe we should go talk to her.
I'll handle it.
You keep picking up garbage.
Okay.
Hey! You-YOU pick it up.
Yeah, I said it.
(muttering angrily) What'cha got there? Herbal tea Stress ball Breathing exercises Does that stuff actually work? Uh-huh! No.
Not really.
In fact, I've been grinding my teeth down to the nubs while I sleep, because my body can't process all the residual stress.
That littering thing really gets to you, doesn't it? Like there's a shortage of trash cans in the world?! He's gotta throw his garbage.
.
Sorry.
It just makes me so mad.
And I feel Helpless? Ineffectual? Believe me, I understand.
Hey, like you said in the group, we've all been there.
Yeah, thanks.
I've got to learn to let this stuff go.
Sure, that's one way.
Or Or what? If it were me I mean, hypothetically, of course, I would track the jerk down and make him sorry he ever THOUGHT of littering.
You interested? Even if you were serious, there's no way to even find the person in question.
Except I got his license plate number.
So what are you doing later? Did you talk to her? We're going out tonight.
So you saw that she was upset, took advantage of her emotionally fragile state, and manipulated her into going on a date with you? Yeah.
Basically.
Smooth.
(whistling) I can't believe we actually found him! Let's destroy this jerk! You're cute when you're righteously indignant.
Hey look, he left his top down.
It's almost too easy.
Why? What are you (evil giggle) I like it.
So I'm halfway through my anger management workbook.
It's called "We All Go a Little Mad Sometimes.
" That is great, Chris.
What's Dan's workbook called? "Holy Moley.
Calm Down Before You Kill Someone?" Speaking of which, Dan's actually on a date with Amber, our counselor.
Really? A date? Dan's version of one, yeah.
What does that involve? My car! Nooo.
This car is my baby! (amber o.
s.
) Should have thought of that before you littered, jerk! (clank) Aahh! (amber o.
s.
) Ha! (tires squeal) That was great.
I bet I sleep like a baby tonight.
Nice throw with the trash can, by the way.
I know, right?! Bam! (They laugh) Good times Hey, I'd like to see you again.
I'd love to.
Really? Yeah! You know who we're going after next? Next? There was this girl in high school named Emily.
She intentionally spilled ink on my shirt the day they were taking yearbook photos-- Whoa, now, hold up.
Are we just revenge buddies? I kind of thought this was a date.
Did you? Ooh.
No, no, no, it's not.
Sorry.
But you HAVE made me realize how much fun it is to get back at people.
Glad to help, but I have my own list to attend to.
I mean, that squirrel is still out there somewhere Last I checked, you needed a certificate of completion from me, or you get locked up.
Right? So it's extortion.
Extortion is such an ugly word.
I prefer-- (pleasant) "Extortion.
" That's the same word.
I said it nicer the second time.
Just so there's no mistake; you will do exactly what I say, or I will send you to prison.
I've been played for a fool.
A fool, I say! Huh? Dan? What time is it? How did you get in here? I thought Amber liked me.
Turns out she was just using me! I feel so cheap Yeah, that's rough.
Well, look at the time You should be going.
It's bad enough that she was never interested in dating me.
But now she says if I don't help her, I go to prison.
She wants me to get back at some girl that spilled ink on her like a decade ago! How does she want you to do that? Apparently she's getting married this Saturday Fun fact; I once inadvertently burned this chapel down.
You said that about like three buildings on the way over here.
Yeah, today's been a real trip down memory lane.
The wedding's started.
Paint bomb.
Ready? Hey, Emily! (bang and a splat) (screams) Next up, my sister I'm thinking maybe a week from Tuesday? I graduate from your program in three days.
Do you? Because I'm going to recommend to the judge that we extend your counseling.
You unbelievable--! For how long?! Who knows? Months.
Maybe years.
YEARS!? Ow! Stupid Hurt MY foot?! Ow! Aaaahhhh! (mr.
mumbles meows) Hmm.
It's okay, Mr.
Mumbles.
You can come out now.
So it's ME I'm really fighting and then, in my lowest moment, it dawned on me: I don't have to live my life this way.
That's right, Dan.
You could join the circus! So now, if it's okay, I'd like to lead the group in some meditation exercises I learned from my workbook? Of course.
Excellent progress, Dan.
Bah-Weep-Grah-Na-Weep-Ninny-Bom.
Bah-Weep-Grah-Na-Weep-Ninny-Bom.
So this isall an act, right? You're plotting something? No.
Why? You want to catch a movie this weekend? I'm actually pretty busy.
Apparently, Amber's sister used to force feed her creamed spinach.
So, I need to rig up a tripwire and a kiddie pool of creamed spinach It's a lot of work.
It's not right, Amber making you do all her dirty work for her.
Yeah, but she's holding all the cards.
How about we get something to blackmail her with? You know what's heen helping? I've been doing the techniques in my anger management workbook.
I'm "letting go.
" Are you kidding me?! You know Chris, sometimes it's best to just go along with an unpleasant situation.
Things have a way of working themselves out.
You want to come up for an herbal tea? I have Soothing Blossom, Gentle Raisin, and Mint Slap.
I don't know who you are anymore.
Chris? Are you okay? I'm fine.
Go back to sleep.
Were you growling? No.
Well, get some rest.
Your anger management graduation's tomorrow.
Whoa.
What happened here?! Did you do this? No! I swear.
(chris o.
s.
) I did it.
I spent all night covering the school grounds in garbage.
Because? Because I finally got in touch with my anger.
How do you like them apples, Amber? You know, I don't even want the rest of this.
Hmm.
Okay, she's about to-- Rrrahhhrr! (door slams) That wasn't so bad.
I was expecting her to do something-- (amber screams) --more like that.
Uh-oh.
Ah! Hi, your honor! Nice of you to come to the graduation.
Of course! I always like to check in on my Hi, honey! Uh help?! I WILL MURDER YOU! (huffing and puffing) Amber! Wait! Let's make some herbal tea and talk about this! Oh, hey Elise Your Honor Don't worry, I got this.
Guys? I need you.
I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry I got in touch with my anger! It won't happen again! Amber, stop! Don't you see what you're doing? You're binging on bile.
You need to step back.
You don't understand! He-- We understand.
We're here for you.
Don't let the anger win.
Good job diffusing that situation, Dan.
It seems you've learned something in anger management.
You two are free to go.
Thank you, sir.
As soon as you clean up all of this garbage.
Of course.
I'm very proud of you, Chris.
Way to get in touch with your anger! Yeah, I'm not doing that again.
It really is dangerous when rage gets out of hand.
Am I imagining things? Nope, I heard him say that, too.
Seriously, though.
Maybe if I channel my energy into something more positive, get involved in some kind of hobby or something that (chitters) Dan? YOU! Rrrahhhrr! Well Yeah.
You're gonna die, squirrel!