DAVE (2020) s03e01 Episode Script

1
Hey, good morning, baby ♪
You need some java, baby? ♪
We got to wake up, baby ♪
Last night was really crazy ♪
I think I liked it, baby ♪
Damn, you smooth, baby ♪
Looking like you moisturize, baby ♪
Tell me where to buy it, baby ♪
I'm dry, I need the product, baby ♪
Got my hand on navel ♪
Then she slid her panties to the ankle ♪
Made me back up and look at the bussy ♪
Bussy glistening like a heavyweight ♪
You want to fuck me, baby? ♪
Haven't showered in a minute, girl ♪
But if you with it,
then I'm with it, baby ♪
I will shower you with every curl ♪
Are you freaky, baby? ♪
Spooning me like I was soup ♪
Want me to be dirty like a goose? ♪
Ooh, but what do you like, baby? ♪
Do you want me to choke you, baby? ♪
She said, "That's okay, baby" ♪
"That's okay" as in you want that? ♪
Or "That's okay"
as in "No, thanks, baby"? ♪
She look at me crazy ♪
I said, I don't mean
to complicate it, no, no ♪
Let me grab a condom, baby ♪
I put it on, then she, then she ♪
Throws it back, give me the ass, pop it ♪
Tickle the breast,
nibble the crack, stop it ♪
General Custer,
with the tactics, I'm a demon ♪
I could feel the semen
creeping 'round the penis ♪
Being a man in there ♪
We need a ambulance,
pussy getting killed ♪
She orgasming, body spasming ♪
Then I finally finish,
can you feel it, baby? ♪
Sliding off, where's the condom? ♪
Whoa! Well, it's not on my penis, baby ♪
It's so confusing, baby ♪
Uh, did I-did I just fuck you raw, baby? ♪
Uh, I'm looking round
and I don't see it, baby ♪
I move the blanket, move the covers ♪
Where's the rubber, baby? ♪
Now she's digging like
a caveman in her bussy for it ♪
Even if you find it in there,
what's the difference, baby? ♪
Semen probably already leaking
in there, swimming in you ♪
She says she still don't want no condoms ♪
Sitting in her insides ♪
I said I understand ♪
But there are bigger fish to fry ♪
She said, "You blaming me" ♪
"But you're the one who put it on" ♪
I am not blaming you, and I
don't think I put it on wrong ♪
I put it on my pinky first
to see which way it go ♪
Because I'm well aware that
condoms aren't reversible ♪
She screamed, "I found it, baby!" ♪
She pulled it out her bussy ♪
But I can't celebrate it ♪
'Cause we got bigger fishy ♪
Girl, I ejaculated ♪
And I don't see it in there ♪
She said it's fine ♪
She'll just take the morning-after pill ♪
Oh, oh ♪
Thank God for the tech now ♪
We should probably go and get it now ♪
This is life when you're young and wild. ♪
Don't worry, it'll be fine.
- Okay. Let's lie down after all that.
- (SIGHS)
- Ah. Take the load off.
- (CHUCKLES)
Get in here.
- (SHUTTER CLICKS)
- Oh.
- Wow. (CHUCKLES)
- Okay.
I fucked Lil Dicky.
(SIGHS)
GATA: I promise you,
bro. You cannot get a STD
going in the pussy raw for only ten seconds.
Who says it was ten seconds?
It could've been ten, it could've been 48.
I have no idea.
I fucked the condom off my dick
trying to give her this, like,
rock star style sex
that I assume she wants out of me.
You are a rock star. This your first tour.
You're supposed to go hard.
That's the whole issue, in my opinion.
I feel like all of these girls
just want to fuck Lil Dicky.
Is it really a crime
to want someone who wants
to fall in love with
- the real Dave?
- Bro, you got to think about her needs.
She got her nails done, she got her outfit.
She told all her friends.
It's gonna be the highlight of her year.
You got to beat the pussy up, bro.
But I don't even I don't fuck like this.
That's not how I fuck, Gata, okay?
I-I do this. It's more It's rhythmic.
Man, that shit look complicated, man.
Complicated? It's so simple.
It's missionary.
- (SCOFFS)
- (COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY)
(DOOR CLOSES)
DAVE: Hi.
You're just gonna bust those open, bruh?
- You ain't gonna pay for them first?
- I'm gonna pay for 'em.
- Just chill out.
- (SCOFFS)
(MAN CLEARS THROAT)
Y'all find everything okay?
Yeah. (COUGHS) Oh.
I'm sorry.
You guys have condoms here?
It's the same condoms everywhere.
Why don't they make, like,
smaller condoms for the smaller dicks?
Like, they make Magnums
for, like, big-dicked men.
I feel like the condom
would stay on the dick easier
if it was smaller sometimes.
GATA: If you're that concerned about STDs,
why don't you just use the Scroguard, bro,
that Mike got you
That plastic diaper shit?
Uh, that's private business.
Don't talk about it.
I don't know what he's talking
about, but he's not dangerous.
- You crazy, man.
- They know I'm joking.
GATA: Man, they got the
Confederate flag in there, bro.
- It's the Texas flag.
- (SCOFFS)
Looked pretty Confederate
to me, man. Hey, Cliff.
I got the goods.
- Ooh.
- Pistachios, but I can't
- For you.
- Merci.
- They break my teeth, man.
- For you. - Thank you.
- You want to smoke this?
- All right, man. It's hot.
- Uh, I'll take a hit, I guess.
- (GATA SCOFFS)
You just wet m y fucking
blunt. You're fucking nasty.
I'm gonna get some color.
ELZ: Racist.
No disrespect.
(SIGHS)
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
Trying to burn off the bacteria?
I'm just not built for this.
I can't be, like, the rapper who goes around
and fucks every night. That's not my thing.
But I'm trying to rewire my brain
so I can actually have fun for once.
You've been stressed.
You've been working so hard.
I know. And tour is just
the one time in life
- where there's no album to hand in.
- Yup.
There's no songs to make. I can just be free
- and live life to the F.
- Yup.
It's exactly like the time
I was up in the air. It was one
- of those moments
- This has nothing to do with skydiving.
This has everything
to do with skydiving, David.
- Nothing to do
- No, when you're
hurtling toward the earth
at 120 miles an hour,
you're reaching max veloce, it's incredible.
And the chute doesn't open,
you start to freak out,
but that's when you learn. You learn, David.
When the instructor kisses you -Mm.
On the small of your neck,
and he says, "I'm sorry!,"
that's when you learn to let go.
I desperately crave
a genuine romantic connection.
Like, I need to fall in love.
That's just who I am.
Well, maybe you shouldn't
hook up with your fans anymore.
Okay. Maybe you shouldn't
We don't need this
- for the documentary, okay?
- Yeah, we do.
Don't tell me what to do
with my documentary.
Uh, I don't want this footage, Emma.
MIKE: You don't know
what you're gonna use.
DAVE: Get different stuff.
- EMMA: I can't listen to this another time.
- MIKE: It's exhilarating.
But what I'm saying is when
you're plummeting towards
-the earth at terminal velocity,
-EMMA: God, I get it.
The earth feels like
it's gonna swallow you whole.
It's so scary, dude, but you live.
I love this story. He's still
telling the story, huh?
- MIKE: Yeah.
- Hey, LD, what's them islands
we going to on this tour?
Uh, I don't know the specifics, but
(WHOOPS) We going to the Specifics, y'all.
- Specifics.
- Huh. Um
- Are you performing tonight?
- Oh, no.
Tonight's all about
my sweet baby G right here.
- MIKE: Gata's night, baby.
- Big dog's night. - Hey, Lubbock, Texas
- ain't ready for a nigga like me.
- DAVE: They're not.
They never were. They never
were a day. They never will be.
- That's what I do.
- Uh, that's what you've been doing.
- Big G! - Gata.
- (WHOOPING)
Aw, LD, do one song with me, bro.
No, thank you.
It's my one night off. Come on. I-I'm trying
to blend into the background,
be a normal guy.
It's hard to meet your wife
when you're onstage
- being the star.
- Well, some people say
- that's the easiest way to meet your wife.
- Aw.
You're with him every day?
How do you resist him?
- Are you serious?
- DAVE: Look,
I just want to know if everyone's all in
to have the best night
they can possibly have.
'Cause I need that type of comradery
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING, CHEERING)
Too many women, I got too many women ♪
Man, my biggest problem,
I got too many women ♪
Damn, my head's spinning,
I got too many women ♪
Am I living in sin
and I see too many women ♪
I'm married to the money,
but I'm in love with my women ♪
Dark-skinned, light-skinned,
Puerto Rican, Asian ♪
Sorry, Mama, but your son is crazy ♪
I'm-a get it together if they pay me. ♪
- Yeah.
- (CHEERING, WHOOPING)
Yeah!
- (INDISTINCT SHOUT)
- CROWD (CHANTING): Dicky! Dicky!
- Dicky! Dicky! Dicky! Dicky!
- Oh, no, no, no. Gata.
- Dicky! Dicky! Dicky! Dicky!
- Gata. Gata.
- Dicky. Dicky.
- Thanks.
Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo.
I appreciate the love y'all got
for my boy Dicky, man.
I've been trying to get him
out here on this stage tonight,
but he on some Carmen San die go type shit.
Let's see if we can get him
on stage right now!
(CHEERING, WHOOPING)
GATA: (CHANTING): LD! LD! LD!
ALL: LD! LD!
- LD! LD! LD! LD!
- (DJ AIR HORN BLARES)
(CHEERING, WHOOPING)
I'm drunk, I'm drunk ♪
I'm really, really drunk ♪
I'm drunk ♪
I'm really, really wasted ♪
Man, I'm so fucked-up ♪
I might suck a man's dick,
no, I'm playing, ha-ha. ♪
What's your deal right now?
Why are you so lethargic?
(EXHALES)
You just got sucked.
Sloppy toppy, bro.
Who sucked you?
- I had to, man. You
- Where?
(SCOFFS)
What does this Whatever, I don't care.
Let's have fun tonight. Do you want a drink?
Honestly, bro, I'm exhausted as fuck, bro.
- I'm about to go lay down, dawg.
- You're leaving?
- Yeah, man. Yeah.
- What about my night off?
What about the plan
that-that you committed to?
- Man, I'm going, gone.
- Gata.
- You never honor the plan, man.
- Hey, text me
when you get to the hotel.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Is this a good time?
- Yeah.
Great, 'cause I made something for you.
- Oh, okay.
- Um
Oh, my God.
It's you.
- Oh, that's me?
- Yeah.
- (LAUGHS)
- Oh, wow. It's so heavy.
It's concrete, that's why.
It's, like, sharp, too.
- I'm kind of nervous.
- Don't be nervous.
This is great. You're doing great.
- Hey. Oh. (LAUGHS)
- Oh.
(LAUGHS) I appreciate this so much, okay?
I'm such a big fan of yours.
- Thank you.
- Um, I love Penith so much,
and I'm really trying to break
into the industry, so
- Yeah.
- Ah, here I am. (LAUGHS)
Well, let me tell you firsthand,
things are surprisingly possible
in life, okay? Go for it.
Wow. (LAUGHS)
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Sure.
- Lil Dicky, I love you.
I love you, too, okay? Be safe.
(WEAK CHUCKLE)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
- I never knew that.
- Yeah. All right.
Fuck. Oh, shit.
WOMAN: You doing all right?
What?
Are you doing all right?
Oh. Yeah.
Just a little statutory,
uh, issue I'm taking care of.
Yeah, I'm just cleaning up
somebody else's mess.
- Hi.
- Hi. (CHUCKLES)
- How you doing?
- I'm good. I'm sor
I don't-I don't know you.
Well, how could you? We're just now meeting.
No, I know, but I know you're,
like, a singer or something,
- just here with my friends, but I just
- Oh.
I've never heard of you.
Honestly, I prefer that.
Like, great. It's good
that you have a clean slate
on my personality.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm a-I'm a rapper,
actually, not a singer.
I do sing, song-write, all that.
Oh, you did that song about being drunk.
What was what was it called?
- It was
- "I'm Drunk."
Oh, yeah, well, I'm on my way.
You pig.
(LAUGHS)
I don't know. So, what's your deal
You just go to live music venues
without even knowing who
the person is and you have fun?
Wednesdays are like my Fridays.
I'm a nurse, so
- Ah. A nurse?
- Yeah. Had to
come blow off some steam, you know?
I appreciate everything you do, uh,
behind the scenes for all the sick.
- Thank-thank you.
- Yeah. But okay,
I can't go any further
without knowing your name,
- so
- Oh, it's Campbell.
Campbell?
Yeah, like the soup.
That's a perfect name.
- Thanks?
- Campbell,
can I ask you a relatively
hard-hitting question?
Yeah.
What's your availability
as far as being hit on right now?
(CHUCKLES) Uh
Like, would you say you're
open-minded, or not at all?
Uh
Yeah, I think I, uh I'm
I'm definitely open to it.
This is fun.
ELZ: People are actually crazy.
They were literally
pouring tequila in their eyes.
Like, why? I wish I had, like,
40 cameras. I keep missing shit.
Just ask them to redo it.
I can't do that for my doc. It's not real.
Real? None of this is real,
Emma. Are you crazy?
- What
- We're on tour right now. Tour's not real.
When we come to town, it's like
their version of the Super Bowl.
Okay, Mr. Big Shot Who's Been On Tour.
Do you not understand
that white people act out
when they see a camera?
- What?
- Trust me. Come on.
- EMMA: Wait
- White boy summer!
- White boy summer!
- White boy summer!
(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING)
Then I'm gonna continue
to smoke this joint, then.
- All right.
- Oh, hi, man.
MAN: LD!
Thank you.
Does that get annoying?
It's just praise. It's
All it is is praise.
- Okay.
- But it's the life I chose.
- Yeah.
- I always wanted to be ubiquitous.
Well, uh good luck,
and you have a new fan,
and I really hope that you make it.
- Get this out of here.
- (LAUGHS)
You're saying goodbye?
- Well
- You're not about to leave.
- Uh
- You can't be. You're not gonna
let something like this totally evaporate.
No. No, no, no. I'm engaged.
- Oh, of course you are.
- No, no, no.
No, no, no! No, no, like (LAUGHS)
Like, I'm engaged in the conversation.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
So, a bunch of us are gonna
go to my friend Connor's.
He's having a little get-together.
- Oh.
- You want to come?
'Cause I like hanging out with you.
I like hanging out with you so much.
- All right.
- I do have a tour bus
parked half a block
away. It's so charming.
Oh, no. I'm-I'm not, like, a
groupie. I'm just a regular girl.
Of course you are. I respect that.
- We'll go to Connor's?
- Yeah, Connor.
Okay. I have to grab something off that bus.
- Will you stay here?
- Yeah.
Okay, because, in my opinion,
I feel as though
this is what life is all about
Moments like this.
(LAUGHS) -We'll figure
something out later, but yeah.
- We'll figure it out. We'll work on it.
- Okay. All right.
SCRO-GUY: You're
getting ready to have a blast,
but you're not sure
about someone's sexual past.
Part of the skin of
your genital area has a cover,
but most is still exposed to your lover.
Not anymore.
Now there's Scroguard.
The powerful new product that
you can wear with any condom.
The secret is the high-quality premium latex
that is thick enough
to cover your genital area
but thin enough to
feel like a second skin.
- (MUTTERS)
- Just fasten any two buttons
securely into place,
and when you're ready
Hey, Dave Oh, shit! Oh!
- Geez. (STAMMERS) Uh
- No shitting on the bus!
No, I'm not-I'm not shitting!
I'm just fixing my pants.
I changed my underwear 'cause I met a girl
and I was talking to her, and I-I, like,
soaked my first underwear with pre-cum.
- Okay.
- I-I met a girl.
Uh, congratulations, man. I'm happy for you.
- Wish me luck.
- You deserve love, Dave.
- Worry about tomorrow ♪
- Don't drink and drive ♪
Give me that pizza, dawg,
give me that pizza ♪
You know, I gotta eat ya ♪
Uber says my driver's name is Gangi ♪
And he said he's hard of hearing ♪
- Cool, I don't care ♪
- CAMPBELL: Sorry.
- No, this is honestly my fault, uh
- Anyway, anyway, okay.
It was like 3:00 a. m.,
and we're all, like
Yeah. Sure.
Drunk as piss, and
all of a sudden, we hear,
like a "bang, bang, bang." Like,
Jurassic Park or something.
- It was like
- Oh, my God. What was it like, a rapist?
No, no. It was actually my goat.
My goat got out of its pen.
It was, like, ramming its horns
- against the glass. Ramming
- Wait, hold it. You have a goat?
- Like, you're a goat owner?
- Mm-hmm.
Yeah, I got a bunch of goats.
You're, like, out of a fable.
Hey, you're the fucking GOAT, LD. Come on.
- Hey, y'all, shut the fuck up!
- Thank you, bro.
Sorry. Don't even look at that.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- He's fine. Oh.
- Get in here.
- (LAUGHS)
Wow, you just broke the touch barrier.
- (LAUGHING)
- So nonchalantly,
you're just gonna break it
like that, and not even Wow.
- I mean, someone had to.
- I'm totally on board with it, FYI.
- Um
- Oh, my God.
I have to pee.
Yeah. I understand that.
I've had to pee in the past, and
you never know when it's coming.
- Thank you. All right.
- Yeah. I'm right there with you.
- Get all the piss out.
- All right.
- I'll be right here. I'm great.
- Okay.
I'm in heaven.
(SIGHS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(PASSES GAS)
(SIGHS)
What's up, man?
Hey. You guys hanging?
- CONNOR: How you doing?
- Good.
- (SIGHS)
- MATTY: Hey, man, so
(MUTTERING)
What?
You like Ram?
R-Ram? Uh, do I like what?
- Uh
- What do you mean? Like the
- Like the processing power?
- CONNOR: It's
the L. A. Rams. Like, Los Angeles Rams.
- Like, uh, football team.
- Oh, shit.
Is he okay, or is he on,
like, Oxys or something?
- CONNOR: No, no. I mean
- Is this Appalachia that we're in?
'Cause I know all about the
opioid crisis that you probably
have to deal with at every moment.
I've got molly, if you want some.
Oh. No, thanks.
It's, like, dark purple.
I'm okay.
I don't even understand the
color spectrum of molly, but
- What's your name? We haven't met.
- Grace.
- You Race?
- Hey, are you hiring, by the way, LD?
No.
Um, I majored in-in
golf course management.
- Uh-huh.
- Um, but there's a lot
- of crossover between the two.
- Yeah, I think
you're better off on the greens
there, 'cause, like,
- we're just so fully staffed.
- No, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Um, normally,
like, shit's like way
more popping, you know? Like
No.
It's pretty low-key,
'cause it's Wednesday night
- and shit, and, like
- All good. All G.
But, yo, like, normally,
we're playing, like,
Mancala or, like, Cards Against Humanity,
- or, like, fucking
- Sure.
- If you came back, like, on a
- Yeah.
No, don't No presh, man.
I'm, like, just happy to be
I'm honestly here 'cause of Campbell.
- Bro.
- Yeah.
I heard her pussy's a straight-up V.
I Yeah, I believe you. Um
Hey, you know what? Fuck it.
Hey, Hey, Travis!
Hey, fire that shit up!
We're playing Hot Seat, bitch.
- (PEOPLE WHOOPING)
- What are we doing?
(LAUGHS)
DAVE: It's a prank phone call-based game?
- Mm-hmm. Shh.
- How often do you play it?
All right. All right.
(LINE RINGING)
- MAN: Hello?
- Hey.
I'm I'm with your brother.
Wait, Tim's with you? He okay?
- He's OD'ing.
- Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
Did you call 911?
Yeah, but they can't
- CAMPBELL: Come on.
- Revive Aah!
- (LAUGHING CHEERING)
- It's the hot seat! Fuck!
Okay, I'm gonna get another drink.
- Where you going?
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- I'm getting another drink.
- DAVE: Hurry back. - Hey, LD.
Wait. You probably got all sorts
of celebs and shit in your phone.
- (LAUGHS)
- Wait. I
Come on.
Alfonso Ribeiro?
That a pasta?
Carlton? That doesn't mean
anything when I say it? Carlton?
All right, all right, all right.
LD, come on. It's your turn.
- Oh, no. I'm
- Come on. Get on that hot seat,
- for old times' sake.
- You
Let me watch how you
- CONNOR: Fuck you.
- What are you doing?
- Wow. What?
- (LAUGHS) Okay.
So you're really not
gonna kiss me right now?
Why-why would you think that?
It's crazy of you.
(GRACE MUTTERS) - Campbell,
would you come out here?
Your friends are getting a little dicey.
- Oh.
- Need you back here.
Fuck. She blew it.
- What do you mean?
- I mean, fucking passed out.
- No, she's not.
- CONNOR: Yeah.
GRACE: (LAUGHS) I'm drunk.
- She's drunk.
- MATTY: Guns up!
- GRACE: Guns up!
- MATTY: Guns up, motherfuckers!
Aw, that sucks. Her mission
was to fuck you tonight.
Wait, what do you mean,
you said it was her mission?
- Like, going into the night?
- Yeah.
Then why did she tell me when I met her
that she had never heard of Lil Dicky?
- (LAUGHING)
- Oh, is that what she told you?
She probably just said that
'cause she's watched all your interviews.
She knows that's what you want to hear.
She's a die-hard. I mean,
she knew what to tell you.
Okay. I'm-I'm gonna leave.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, come on, man. No, no, no.
LD, no. There's a bunch
of people still coming.
This shit's just getting started.
- Come on.
- It's so late. We leave tomorrow.
This is literally the best night
of my entire life, man.
That's Really?
Yes.
Uh, I'm sorry.
Or congrat
I don't know what to say to that.
Tell us what it's like.
Just tell us what it's really, really like.
- It's not like anything, man.
- MATTY: Yeah, man,
do the girls just fap for you, nonstop?
Fap?
- All right, sit down.
- (LAUGHS) Okay. All right.
- You guys want to know what it's like.
- Oh, fuck, yeah.
I'll tell you what it's really like. Yeah.
Here's what it's like. I go around America
and I meet people like you,
and every single time,
they look at me exactly the way
you guys are staring at me right now.
It's weird. And people
have preconceived notions
about the way that I behave,
about the way that I fuck.
(SPUTTERS) I feel that.
Fucking ain't easy, broham.
Not easy at all. I've had so
many insane sexual encounters.
And truthfully, the thing
that I want the most
is incredibly simple, but
I could never really ask for it.
What?
So, my dick is shaped like a manatee.
In the sense that, like, you know how, like,
the manatee is have, like, a bend
and, like, a So my dick is bent.
The thing that satisfies me most in life
is when that bend simply gets straightened.
There's no STD threat whatsoever.
It's truly my heaven on Earth,
but I could never ask for that
because it's so weird,
and the women would tell all their friends.
But that wouldn't happen with my soul mate.
I'm looking for love.
I'm looking for my wife, okay?
- Hey, let us see your dick.
- (LAUGHS)
(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)
(CHUCKLES) No.
But you asked me what it's like.
It's not even that interesting.
- It's actually
- Come on, Dicky.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- Come on.
- Uh I love it.
CONNOR: Hey, come on, Lil Dicky.
MATTY: Come on, Lil Dicky, come on.
CONNOR: Let me see it.
You always talk all this shit
about your dick,
but you never show it to anybody.
- Come on, Lil Dicky. - Come on!
- (OVERLAPPING CHATTER)
- Show us your fucking dick!
- Come on! - Come on!
- (DAVE GROANS)
- Show us your fucking dick!
(GRUNTS)
What the fuck is that?
(LAUGHS) A diaper?
No, uh It's, uh,
it's called the Scroguard. It's, uh
Look it up on YouTube. It's the
funniest thing you'll ever see.
It's, like, STD prevention,
but, like, the comedy version.
- Show us your dick, Lil Dicky!
- (DAVE WHIMPERS)
(LAUGHING)
("SO DAMN LUCKY" BY TAYLOR MCCALL PLAYING)
(SIGHS)
(TRUCK DOORS CLOSE)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (BOTTLES RATTLE)
- Oh
MAN: Connor?
Who's that?
Yo, they're all in there.
They're still chillin'.
- Sober up ♪
- Was that Lil Dicky?
- Come back, Dicky!
- Settle down ♪
You should be ♪
MAN: Lil Dicky!
Gone by now ♪
But you're not ♪
Don't know how I got ♪
So damn lucky. ♪
I'm drunk ♪
I'm really, really drunk ♪
(MAN CACKLING)
- I'm drunk ♪
- MAN: Hey, it's him!
Turn around!
- It's him, it's him!
- MAN 2: It's him, it's him!
(TIRES SCREECH)
(MAN CACKLING)
Hey, motherfucker. What
the fuck are you thinking, boy?
Whoa! Hey! Stand your ground!
Stand your ground!
- What?
- I'm standing my ground!
You stand your ground, I'm
standing mine, so no reason!
- That ain't how it works.
- Uh
Lil Dicky! I'm Lil Dicky!
Please don't, please just
- Lil Dicky?
- Yeah.
- The rapper?
- Yeah! Yes!
The rapper. That's me. I'm, uh, I'm here.
- So, I got to use your phone, it's
- No, you ain't.
Yes, I am. What do you mean
I'm not? Of co Uh, uh
Obviously this is
Look at the situation, man.
Can't you tell by my posture?
Prove it.
(EXHALES SHARPLY) Prove it. Uh
What's that?
Like Or
It's You-you know it's me.
Please, I got to use your phone, man.
Aren't you a "gay man?"
You
I couldn't hear what you said.
Aren't you a "gay man?"
Like the dinosaur lizard?
Nah, like aren't you a faggot?
Oh. I don't know exactly
how you're using that word,
but I suspect that depending on
how you define it,
that, like
like, to an extent, yeah, yes.
WOMAN: Tom, what's going on out there?
I'll be there in a minute, Pat.
(FOOTSTEPS DEPARTING)
Hey!
(LINE RINGING)
MIKE: (CLEARS THROAT) Hello?
Mike. Oh, thank God you picked up.
I need you to come grab me right now.
- You're in room 207.
- No, no.
- I'm not at the hotel. Uh
- Where are you?
(WHISPERS): Thank you so much
for everything. I appreciate it.
Hello? (NORMAL VOLUME): I don't know
how to explain it to you, but you just
got to come get me right now, okay?
Are you all right? Where are you, man?
I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm at, uh,
4218 Fannin Boulevard. Okay?
- Yeah, no problem, man. I'll be there soon.
- (SCRIBBLING)
- Thank you, Mike. Thank you.
- Just got to get up
and get dressed.
You know, I'm always losing one sock.
- Wha Mike?
- Yeah?
Uh, bring a couple hundred bucks.
You'll see, like, when
the dick's fully blooded,
there's, like, a little bit of a bend.
My ideal way for this to happen
is if you take that bend
and you just simply straighten it.
(SPEAKS SPANISH)
Uh, the bend, and if you just take the bend
and you straighten and then just wait.
(CONTINUES SPEAKING SPANISH)
No, no, no, no mueva.
Yeah, uh, do you know
what a manatee is? Manatee.
Manatee, the sea. Sea.
(IMITATES MANATEE'S BELLOW)
Manatee? (SPEAKS SPANISH)
I am an animal. I am. We're all a
I am an animal. You know what?
- No
- We-we don't-we don't even have to
- We don't have to do it.
- No. No, no, no, no, no.
- (SPEAKING SPANISH)
- I'm okay. Okay.
It's totally cool.
Oh, so Oh.
Yeah. Just s-still.
Uh-huh.