DC's Legends Of Tomorrow (2016) s03e01 Episode Script
Aruba-Con
1 Last season on "Legends of Tomorrow" I'm no longer the captain.
You are.
Permission to depart, Captain Lance.
I know that I'm supposed to go back to 1942.
I have to believe that time is stronger than that.
- [explosion booms.]
- It's a timequake.
The result of us interacting with ourselves.
And whose bright idea was it to do the one thing that could jeopardize all of time? Yours.
Guys.
I think we broke time.
[roaring.]
I guess this means we're not going to Aruba.
You said you broke time.
No, I said we broke time.
Yep, but it was your idea.
No, my idea was to save reality and save Amaya.
By violating the first rule of time travel: never visit the same time and place twice, thereby breaking time.
Perhaps we should continue this argument somewhere there aren't dinosaurs.
- [bell tolls.]
- Whoa.
Big Ben.
So what? Guys.
I always wanted to visit it.
Guys! [people screaming.]
[roaring.]
Amaya, talk to it.
- She can talk dinosaur? - Like you wouldn't believe.
Please speed up that conversation [portal shimmering.]
[people screaming in distance.]
Y'all just saw that, right? [portal shimmering.]
And that.
Well, you really have buggered everything up this time.
Her idea.
No matter.
As you can see, my agents are already hard at work dealing with these Anachronisms.
Anachronisms? People, places, and things displaced from their native time periods.
I told you I was leaving to create an organization to replace the Time Masters.
- 15 minutes ago.
- For you.
Forming the Time Bureau has been the work of the last five years of my life.
[portals shimmering.]
[dinosaurs roaring.]
I've gotten quite good at it, I'd have to say.
You mean you have Time Agents at work in the Cretaceous Period as we speak? Indeed, and throughout Los Angeles, making sure no one retains any memory of this unfortunate incident.
Which is why your services are no longer required.
Whoa.
What? It seems only fitting, since I was the one who brought this team together that I should be the one to disband it.
So [clears throat.]
On behalf of the Time Bureau, I hereby relieve the Legends from duty.
[exciting music.]
[bland instrumental music playing.]
This isn't auditions for "American Ninja Warrior," you know.
And how many times have I told you not to play with the merchandise? Oh, I know that look.
It's the look of someone who thinks they could have gotten a better job.
Well, let me tell you something, freckles, you're lucky I even hired someone who had been reported dead twice.
Especially in this economy.
What? No thank you? [groans.]
[dramatic music.]
[exhales.]
[bland instrumental music resumes.]
Thank you.
That's better.
Now get over to Health and Beauty.
Somebody just spilled a whole mess of conditioner.
[indistinct chatter.]
Whoo.
[chuckles.]
[clears throat.]
Alan Alan, um, I've had a breakthrough.
I have told you not to interrupt me - when I'm plugged in.
- Yes.
No, I know that's very important to you, but, um, Alan, I've been working on this side project.
Not only have I managed to shrink organic matter, but I've also streamlined the technology so that you can wear I'm not interested, brah.
Look, I-I get it.
Once upon a time, you were "Ray Palmer, tech mogul.
" But when you give your company to a woman who runs it into the ground, you lose all side-project privileges.
Great news for you, though, what we're doing here at Upswipz is trying to change the world.
[sighs.]
Upswipz is a dating app.
Just like Tinder, except you swipe up-down instead of left-right.
Which is far more intuitive.
And Upswipz isn't a dating app.
It's a holistic social networking Social networking platform.
Ah, but, Alan, my miniaturization technology has the potential to actually make the world a better place.
If that were true, it'd be an app.
If it doesn't live in a phone, it's not the future, Ray.
[solemn music.]
Well, I've actually been to the future.
Like, three times.
- [exciting music.]
- [grunting.]
[gunfire.]
[choking.]
Damn it, Wally.
What did I say? Ah, I was supposed to save some of the bad guys for you.
Just a few.
You know what? I'll make it up to you.
The first round is on me.
No.
Thanks, man, we're good.
I actually have a girl waiting for me.
Next time.
[romantic music.]
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
There was a Kind of a work thing.
- It's okay.
- Um I know a really great coffee place [phone unlocks.]
Um Alana.
- [beach music.]
- - Hey, girl.
- Hi.
Hey, idiot.
Either refill my margarita, or get out of my light.
This is a private beach.
Listen, pal, what did I [horse neighing.]
[dramatic music.]
And who the hell are you supposed to be? I am Gaius Julius Caesar of Rome.
Oh.
Thought I recognized you.
I knocked off one of your casinos in Vegas.
I am here to conquer all the known world.
Right.
Wait a sec.
How did you get here? I imagine through the mischief of the goddess Ate.
But it matters not the land I find myself in.
It is but a matter of time before my banner flies over it.
Is that a fact? [cell phone ringing.]
Yeah? [belches.]
Boss.
- Rory? - I got a situation.
I think I bumped into one of those mechanisms Mechanism? A nagging-ism.
Anachronism? Yes.
Julius Caesar is in Aruba.
- Seriously? - Seriously.
I got him tied up in my casita.
What do you want me to do? Just sit tight and keep him safe.
If you screw up history, the Bureau will be on your ass - before you can say - [clears throat.]
- Son of a bitch.
- [phone beeps.]
Are you taking a personal call during peak consumer traffic? No.
[dramatic music.]
'Cause I quit.
[boxes crashing.]
[indistinct chatter.]
All right.
[sighs.]
What's so important to make you catch a train to Central City? Where's Amaya? We kind of broke up.
- What? - It's not a big deal.
So what's going on? Rory found an Anachronism.
Apparently, Julius Caesar just wound up in Aruba.
Mick's got him all tied up.
Look, this is our chance to get the Time Bureau to deal us back in.
Look, if we pull this off, Rip might give us our old ship back.
Wow, I had no idea you were so unhappy with your new life.
[scoffs.]
Are you kidding me? I'm, uh I'm I'm loving it.
I'm doing really good work.
It says you work at Sink Shower & Stuff.
Yeah, well even vigilantes have to pay their bills.
What are you guys so content with, huh? What are you doing? [scoffs.]
I'm doing pretty good.
Thanks for asking.
I am [clears throat.]
The second most popular superhero in Central City.
So that's pretty good.
Well, I am the first most popular in Silicon Valley, when I'm not changing the world with a Holistic social networking platform.
Let's go.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank God.
You sure this is where they're at? I bumped into one of Rip's Time Agents a while back.
He may have left his badge at my place.
He left it at your place? All right, maybe I lifted it off of him in the morning.
[quirky music.]
[tense music.]
- Freeze! - Hands in the air! Eyes on, eyes on! Hey, don't move! - [sighs.]
- Stay right there! [guns clicking.]
Hello, everyone.
Welcome.
On the floor.
Hands behind your heads.
Uh, sorry, there must be some kind of mistake.
We're the we're the Legends! Oh! [groaning.]
Oh, we know exactly who you losers are.
Wow, this floor is, like, super clean.
[groans.]
Lady, why are you so mean? Maybe it's that poly-blend pantsuit that's got her so grumpy.
I didn't know Men's Wearhouse gave group discounts.
What's wrong with you people? Do you want to get shot? Totally rather get shot than look like a Sears model.
[guns clicking.]
Hold your fire! Stand down! All of you.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello.
So good to see you all.
Next time, just call ahead.
You son of a bitch.
Eyes on, eyes on! There's been a slight misunderstanding, Dr.
Heywood.
Nate, what are you doing? I want to hear Rip say it.
You told Amaya to go back to 1942.
Amaya went back to 1942? It was her idea.
She wanted to go back home to Zambesi.
What'd you say? It was Amaya's idea to go back to Zambesi.
No, I heard him, Ray.
I was just being rhetorical.
[solemn music.]
All right.
This is just awkward.
[coughing.]
So what brings the rest of you to the Time Bureau? We found an Anachronism.
I wasn't aware any of you were searching for Anachronisms.
We weren't.
Rory was on a bender when Julius Caesar showed up.
[laughs.]
Agent Sharp, have we seen any activity that would match such a massive historical displacement? Absolutely not, sir.
Well, I guess you must have missed one then.
I find that very hard to believe, and you know what Ready a go-team and we will meet you at the Op-Center.
[softly.]
Sir.
In the meantime Who fancies a tour? [scoffs.]
Guess they're, uh, not used to seeing famous people.
Yeah, kind of like we're the Founding Fathers of the Time Bureau.
In a way.
I suppose if you lot hadn't created the greatest time paradox the world had ever known, all of these people would have nothing to do.
Unhand me, you knave! Is that? Oh, yeah.
King Arthur.
[grunts.]
His displacement into the Spanish Civil War caused quite the Anachronism.
Ah, evil sorcerer! I might have known you were responsible for all of this.
[device fires.]
Now when he's returned to his original time, he will have no memory of his displacement.
All humility aside, we are the most important security organization [whispers.]
That no one's ever heard of.
Who somehow missed the fact that Julius Caesar is down in Aruba working on his tan.
I'm sure our detection system would have picked up on his displacement.
Hm.
Yeah, and we get that, but all we're saying is, if you wanted to give us the old Waverider back, we would be happy to go down there and take care of it for you.
Yeah, you know, for For old time's sake? [rousing music.]
I'm sorry, but our old ship has been put to new use.
[door whirring, monitor beeping.]
You turned our ship into a simulator? The Command Module is heading toward a meteoroid belt.
Apollo 13 astronauts will die unless we do something.
Aw, that's cool, man.
They're teaching one of our old missions.
I've got an idea.
Why don't we swing around and use our ship as a shield? - Boom.
- [scoffs.]
Kidding.
I'm not a total idiot.
Target the Command Module's oxygen tank with our photons, and fire.
[computer beeping.]
[cheers and applause.]
- Yes! - The ruptured tank propelled their capsule out of harm's way, Captain.
Well done, class.
See you all tomorrow.
We'll see how you do trying to stop an atomic torpedo from blowing up New York City.
- [scoffs.]
- [laughs.]
[scoffs.]
What are they doing here? We are here to help you.
That's very gracious of you.
But whatever it is, we have professionals who can handle the matter.
Along with whatever damage Mr.
Rory causes.
Your salad sucks.
You should know this is not the first time I've been taken captive.
Oh, great, a story.
Once, when I was a young man, I was kidnapped by pirates.
They ransomed me for 50 talents of silver, a fortune.
My family paid the money, of course.
But I told my captors they would be better off killing me.
Because if they did let me go, I promised to come back one day, and not only to take my silver, but to crucify the pirates one by one.
And that's exactly what I did.
You saying I should kill you? You should believe me when I make a promise.
The gold in this satchel is yours.
Gold? But I swear by my household gods, it will cost you your life.
Oh.
[tense music.]
[groans.]
[both grunting.]
Do we have a location on Mr.
Rory? Mm, we followed a trail of petty larceny reports.
He's been holed up on the beach, running up a room service tab and a serious collection of STDs.
- That's our Mick.
- He's been busy.
[both grunting.]
Locking in on coordinates now.
Is the go-team ready? Locked and loaded, sir.
Opening a portal.
[suspenseful music.]
[groans.]
[panting.]
You broke my nose.
[upbeat dance music playing.]
[portal shimmering.]
Out of my way! [both grunting.]
- Our team is under attack.
- Definitely Rory.
Alpha team, do you have eyes on Caesar? He's got the target.
What do you want us to do, Command? Get the hell out of there before Mr.
Rory causes any more mayhem.
Roger that.
Initiating extraction.
Get off me, you damn missionaries! [portal shimmering.]
[all groaning.]
Get the hell off me, dude.
This is Julius Caesar? Dude, my dad's a lawyer.
I'm going to totally sue all of your asses.
[device fires.]
What is this place? An institution you will never step foot in again, Mr.
Rory.
Get them out of here! Rip, look.
I'm sorry.
- I thought that this - The Legends would change? Since when do we need to change? When you left our team, you said you had nothing left to teach me.
Yes, well, unfortunately all of history suddenly came unglued moments after I'd uttered those words.
[sighs.]
Look, I miss the good old days too, Sara.
But times have changed.
Yeah, and you don't think you need us anymore.
Look, Rip.
This is our mess.
You have to let us fix it.
Using your team to fix anything is like doing brain surgery with a chainsaw.
[solemn music.]
[sighs.]
Whoa.
You can't leave yet.
Not without parking validation.
[coins clinking.]
[Rory beating vending machine.]
[groaning.]
Son of a bitch stole my money.
[groans.]
[machine dings.]
Whoa.
This is a genuine Roman aureus.
This is first century B.
C.
That means Rory really saw Julius Caesar.
Duh.
We've got to tell Rip that he's got the wrong guy.
Yeah, like he'll listen to us.
He's right.
We've got to grab Caesar ourselves.
And prove to Rip that we got the right stuff.
Sara.
Exit's this way.
Our ship's this way.
We're gonna steal the Waverider? We're gonna fix our mistakes.
[suspenseful music.]
[sighs.]
Oh, damn it! I mean, darn it.
There's a class in session.
Ah.
Listen up, punks.
Class dismissed.
Get out of here.
This must be a part of the training exercise.
[clears throat.]
Our ship has been boarded by a Time Pirate.
On behalf of The Time Bureau, and in accordance to Article 15.
6, Section B, concerning the unlawful seizure of Time Ships [grunts.]
[others gasping.]
Anyone else? Gideon's been in sleep mode for five years, but if I can divert her power back to the core Hello, Legends.
What did I miss? Well, we're about to steal the ship, go grab Julius Caesar in Aruba, all before history completely collapses.
So it's business as usual, then.
[chuckles.]
Exactly.
Gideon, engines to power.
Turbines to speed.
Right away, Captain.
[rumbling and creaking.]
Sounds like this old boat needs a lube job.
What in the hell do they think they're doing? The hangar's sealed.
There's no way out of here.
Yep, well, I'm afraid the Legends have never permitted something like logic to stop them.
[sighs.]
I hope you know what you're doing, Ms.
Lance.
Gideon, time-jump us out of here.
Uh, are you sure we can time-jump inside the building? We're about to find out.
[ship whirring.]
[engine whooshing.]
[engine sputtering.]
Gideon, when are we? I was only able to time-jump us three minutes into the future.
We're still in Star City.
- [sighs.]
- If you haven't noticed, the ship is in desperate need of maintenance.
Yeah, there's no way we're gonna make it to Aruba.
Can we make it to Central City? I know a good mechanic there.
[doorbell ringing.]
Jefferson.
What a what a nice surprise.
Lily also dropped by with some rather exciting news.
Oh, well, if it's a bad time, I can always just Wait, wait.
What is it? Something's wrong.
I can feel it.
We may only see each other once a week for our bonding sessions, but we still share a psychic connection.
[sighs.]
I dropped out of school.
Why would you do that? You could have your master's in in two years.
Yeah, I know, it's just [sighs.]
Learning about engineering is not half as fun as actually, you know, being an engineer on a time ship.
Oh, hey, Jax.
Whoa.
Whoa, Lily, you're You're What? I'm what? Uh, you you look You look healthy.
I'm kidding.
I'm pregnant.
- [laughing.]
- Oh, my God.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Yeah, I was on sabbatical in Rome with my boyfriend and She means her future husband.
And we decided we wanted to come home and break the big news in person.
[both laugh.]
Oh, I've got to put the osso buco in the oven, but you should totally stay for dinner Right, daddy? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Dude.
What? My heart still melts when she says that word.
It's crazy.
It's [spaceship whooshing.]
Oh, my God.
Is that what I think it is? Come on, Grey.
A chance to meet Julius Caesar and fix history.
- [sighs.]
- Look, we have a time ship.
We can get you home in time for dessert.
That's what I told Clarissa the last time I left.
And when you came home you had a surprise daughter.
- Mm? - Your point? The point is, sometimes we screw things up for the better.
That's a good motto.
We should use that.
[sighs.]
Fine, whatever.
I'll I'll come.
Great.
Now all we need is Amaya, and we can get the band back together.
- That's not happening.
- Whoa, did I miss something? - Mm-mm.
- [whispers.]
Amaya dumped him.
Went back to 1942.
[scoffs.]
She didn't dump me.
She didn't dump me.
Amaya went back to Zambesi because Rip told her she has some sort of destiny to fulfill back in 1942.
That's it.
Unlike the rest of us who don't have crap waiting for us in the real world.
Speak for yourself, numbnuts.
I don't know about you all, but I was destined for greater things than folding towels.
And Rip thinks he doesn't need us because he's got the Time Bureau.
Ray's right.
We're the ones who broke history.
We should be the ones that fix it.
But instead of operating on history with a chainsaw, this time we are gonna be the scalpel.
[upbeat dance music playing.]
Is this your idea of subtle? Just try to blend in, okay? No problem.
Great Caesar's ghost.
That's him.
So what I have to say to you is this: are you willing to fight with me? All: Yeah! And claim this savage land for Rome? All: Yeah! What, did you teach Caesar English? Nope.
Just showed up speaking fancy.
Temporal linguistic dysplasia - What? - A side effect of historical displacement.
Astonishing! You know, cowards die many times before their deaths.
The valiant never taste death but once! Yeah! And Delta Nu Phi sucks! All: Delta Nu Phi sucks! Alpha Psi Gamma sucks! Delta Nu Phi sucks! Can we not agree they all suck? [sighs.]
A'ight.
Let's shut this toga party down before things really get out of hand.
No powers.
It can make the Anachronism worse.
Right, be the scalpel.
Because I saw in you I've got an idea.
The makings of a legion.
Come on, man, are you really trying to hook up now? No, I'm creating a dating profile on our new UpSwipz app.
Gideon, I need you to hit every phone on the beach with a match.
"Exotic beauty looking for casual sex with young frat stud?" - That might work.
- Yeah.
Now all I need is a profile picture.
I believe I've got that covered.
[phone chimes.]
[burps.]
Ooh.
Not bad.
[crowd cheering.]
For Mars! - All: Yeah! - For Rome! All: Yeah! Death or glory! [cell phones chiming.]
All right, JC.
Party's over.
You're coming with us.
I'd rather fall on my sword than surrender it to a woman.
Well, then today is your lucky day.
[dramatic music.]
[both grunting.]
Uh, shouldn't we help her? It's him I'm worried about.
All: Ooh.
Yep, I'd say our work here is done.
And to quote the great conqueror himself, "We came, we saw" [together.]
We kicked Caesar's ass! - Mm.
- Mm.
- Oh, man.
- Oh.
- Suckers.
- Nice work.
I'd have done it faster.
[groaning.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did that hurt? Easy, Mick.
He broke my nose.
My best feature.
Still we have to get him back to his time in one piece.
Or he doesn't go on to conquer the world and help create the greatest empire history has ever known.
We need to get moving.
It's not gonna take Rip long to track down a stolen time ship.
Quite so, Ms.
Lance.
It appears that you've captured the real Julius Caesar.
Well done.
Now, if you'll just return him to us, we'll be happy to handle his reinsertion back into history.
You don't think we can handle it? It's not that.
Maybe it is that.
But the fact remains that you have hijacked our property.
And if you would return it to us along with our anachronistic guest, all will be forgiven.
I trust you'll use your best judgment.
[laughing.]
Does he not know this team? Shouldn't we entrust Caesar's return to people who do that sort of thing professionally? I thought this was our chance to prove that we were professional ish.
Your call, Captain.
[sighs.]
Gideon, plot a course for the Time Bureau.
I'm afraid that won't be possible without additional repairs.
[sighs.]
Of course.
Et tu, Sara? I'm using my best judgment.
You know, I've taken these engines apart so many times, feels like this ship is a part of me.
It is a part of you that you can take on whatever adventure life offers you next.
[scoffs.]
What adventure could be better than this one? I mean, I got to be a superhero who traveled through time, changing history.
Yes, I know.
Look, I know you want to do the whole granddad thing.
Smoke a pipe by the fire, but I got a whole lot of life left, and I have no idea how to fill it.
Jefferson, you are, hands down, the most gifted, capable, Jeffersodriven young man handsl've ever known.
You can do anything you want to do.
Well, that's all well and good, but what I want to do is be half of a nuclear-powered superhero.
And I can't do that if you don't want to.
[sighs.]
[door opens.]
[door closes.]
Have you come to gloat? Or to grant me the mercy of taking my own life? Getting beaten by a woman bothers you that much? Yes.
If your intention is neither boasting nor mercy, to what do I owe the honor of this visit? [chuckles.]
You doubt your present course of action and seem to believe that Caesar holds the key to resolving it.
There's nothing to resolve.
My course of action isn't up to me.
So you believe your future lies in the hands of the Three Fates? No.
It lies in the hands of a group called the Time Bureau.
And if I go against them now, they'll take my ship.
And if I screw this up, then I lose everything.
And that's all you're willing to wager for greatness? Pompey said he would have my head for going against the Senate but when I lead my army across the Rubicon, Rome will welcome me as a god.
Well, I wish I shared your confidence.
It cost me eight years and countless centurions to conquer Gaul.
But with an Amazonian queen like you by my side, I could make short work of the rest of the world.
Conquering the world does sound nice But I don't need you to do it.
Ship's fixed, Cap.
Fixed enough to get us back to the Time Bureau? Mm-hmm.
How about ancient Rome? Only one way to find out.
[engine whooshing.]
[rousing music.]
According to Gideon, Caesar disappeared the night before his famous march on Rome.
Yeah, no crossing the Rubicon means no civil war.
No civil war means no Ides of March.
No Ides of March means [snaps fingers.]
No Roman Empire.
What happens on the Ides of March? Eh well, that's when your friends, who really aren't your friends, stab you in the back to stop your rise to power.
Not that you'll remember any of this.
[device fires.]
Check it out.
History is back to normal.
And now a little something for the Heywood scrapbook.
[camera clicks.]
Oh, man.
That's a keeper.
Enjoy conquering the world.
[solemn music.]
[suspenseful music.]
Perhaps my eyes deceive me, but that does not look like the Time Bureau to me.
No, it says here we landed in 49 B.
C.
Relax, because we just dropped off JC back where he belongs.
So, history has been restored, and we can go home.
I'm afraid that's not possible.
Why? Something wrong with the ship? No, but your home no longer exists.
Here is a map of what was formally known as the United States, circa 2017.
I thought you said that history has been restored.
Does that look restored to you? What does "Magna Hesperia" mean? It means Caesar went on to conquer the known world and then the unknown world.
One of you fools must have entrusted him with future knowledge, something that allowed him to alter the course of history.
No, no.
I mean, Sara hit him with Rip's flashy - Flashy thing.
- Thing.
Oh, my God.
- What? - [sighs.]
My book.
What book? Change of plans.
We're not marching on Rome, sir? No, we're still marching.
But when we get there, we're going to visit a few old friends starting with Brutus and Cassius.
I cannot believe you let Caesar steal the answers to the test.
Why are you all looking at me? It's not my fault.
How did mop-head even know there would be a test? It's a figure of speech.
Caesar knew how to alter history because he already knew how it would unfold.
Okay, so all we got to do is get back out there and refold history.
Or contact Mr.
Hunter, and let the Time Bureau handle it.
No, no, no, no.
We do not let those time-turds have the satisfaction of knowing that we That you lost the book? Stop blaming me, okay? Caesar must have swiped it when I wasn't looking.
- Nate's right.
- Thank you.
Not about it not being your fault About The Time Bureau.
They're 2,000 years away.
We can fix this before they even - [portal shimmering.]
- Too late.
[watch beeping.]
[clears throat.]
[tense music.]
Ms.
Lance, a word.
Yeah.
Look, I know what you're gonna say, but we are gonna fix this.
You shall do nothing of the sort.
My agents will clear this mess in no time.
And what if something goes sideways? None of these guys are field agents.
Admit it, Rip.
You need us.
No, Sara.
You need this.
But just because you all found life outside this ship boring doesn't mean you get your old jobs back.
Because the Time Bureau is capable of getting the job done [whispers.]
Without the mess.
Status? We've got eyes on the target.
Go-team is hot.
Yes, you are.
Watch and learn, Ms.
Lance.
Execute.
[beeping.]
[portal shimmering.]
Asset acquired.
Proceed to the target to commence memory erasure protocol.
Wait, I've seen this play before.
Leave the merchandise unattended, draw the target out League of Assassins strategy? No, it's Sink Shower & Stuff.
We use it to catch shoplift It's a trap! You've got to pull your team out of there.
Agent Sharpe, initiate extraction.
Extract.
[portal shimmering.]
Uh, Agent Sharpe has been apprehended.
We were caught unprepared.
But we'll go back in, and we And screw things up worse than you already have? Boss is right.
We need to go and rescue Agent Hotcakes.
Oh, please.
This entire situation is happening because of you idiots Idiots? Idiots with special abilities.
We know how to handle ourselves.
Not against Julius Caesar, who has an entire legion at his command.
We're pretty good at taking down legions.
You're damn straight.
[sighs.]
I'm assuming the answer is no, but do any of you happen to have a plan? We're about to rejoin my army.
Be grateful.
Not only am I letting you live, I'm permitting you to witness the rise of the Roman Empire.
The Time Bureau will never permit you to alter history.
Caesar does not alter history.
He makes it.
Surrender your prisoner in the name of Ares, the god of war! Mars is the Roman god of war, Jefferson.
Yeah, whatever.
[men screaming.]
- What the hell are you doing? - Rescuing you.
I can take care of myself.
[grunts.]
Howdy.
Dormi strictum amicus.
What did you say to him? Uh, "sleep tight, buddy"? I guess.
Maybe.
I think this deserves a bro hug.
Bring it.
Damn, Ray.
[grunting, blows landing.]
[mechanical firing.]
You ruined my vacation and my nose.
[grunts.]
[body thuds.]
Now we're even.
See? Problem solved.
I've got to say, Ms.
Lance, now that I've seen your team in action with my own eyes, you are even worse than I imagined.
You're welcome.
[rousing music.]
[engine whooshing.]
Well, like Nate said, sometimes we screw things up for the better.
I fail to see how that's true in this case.
It's our new motto.
New motto? Right, does that mean that you all plan to continue swashbuckling your way through history? With the Time Bureau's permission, of course.
And if I deny you permission? - We'll do it anyways.
- Yeah.
Sir, the go-team has erased the memories of Caesar and his forces.
Good.
We'd best take our leave, then.
Sara.
Mr.
Rory.
Do your best to stay out of trouble.
[chuckles.]
[sighs.]
What's that? It's a, uh, portal thingy.
A, uh, communications thing, and a, uh Ah, yes a memory thing.
So I guess that means you're staying.
Well, I kind of have to.
You'd be dead without me.
Cheers.
[solemn music.]
They are irresponsible, undependable, unpredictable, dangerous.
And yet effective.
At least on occasion.
Is that the reason they're not warming a cell back at headquarters as we speak? They're not warming a cell, Agent Sharpe, because they might just be our best hope of defeating what's coming.
They are the reason Mallus is a threat.
Indeed.
But there might just come a day when we need the Legends to do what they do best Which is what, exactly? Be the chainsaw.
Would you open a portal back to headquarters? I seem to have misplaced my Time Courier.
[portal shimmering.]
- How's she running? - Lousy.
Rip's monkeys really screwed up the works.
It's gonna take Ray months to figure this out.
Why Raymond? Well, I told Sara to take us back home.
Oh, that's that's unfortunate, considering I have decided to stay aboard.
Whoa, wait, wait, what? I shanghaied you into our first voyage.
I forced this life upon you.
I could hardly ask you to give it up now.
But your life, your family I'll make it home for the birth of my first grandchild.
As for my family They're on this ship as well.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[laughs.]
[door opens.]
You doing okay? Well, nothing says "doing okay" like pining over files of your ex.
Yeah, I was just thinking About her? Yeah, about her, and and this place.
I miss being on the ship.
Yeah, of course you do.
It's your home.
And she's back home too.
If she's happy, I'm happy.
She's happy, right? Yeah.
Totally.
- [dramatic music.]
- This is the village.
Get out of our way, woman.
Actually, that's what I was gonna tell you.
We have business here.
If you call poaching and raping "business.
" Zambesi is under my protection.
[speaking Belgian.]
[guns clicking.]
[roaring.]
[elephants trumpeting, men screaming.]
[roaring.]
No! No, please don't! [man screaming.]
You are.
Permission to depart, Captain Lance.
I know that I'm supposed to go back to 1942.
I have to believe that time is stronger than that.
- [explosion booms.]
- It's a timequake.
The result of us interacting with ourselves.
And whose bright idea was it to do the one thing that could jeopardize all of time? Yours.
Guys.
I think we broke time.
[roaring.]
I guess this means we're not going to Aruba.
You said you broke time.
No, I said we broke time.
Yep, but it was your idea.
No, my idea was to save reality and save Amaya.
By violating the first rule of time travel: never visit the same time and place twice, thereby breaking time.
Perhaps we should continue this argument somewhere there aren't dinosaurs.
- [bell tolls.]
- Whoa.
Big Ben.
So what? Guys.
I always wanted to visit it.
Guys! [people screaming.]
[roaring.]
Amaya, talk to it.
- She can talk dinosaur? - Like you wouldn't believe.
Please speed up that conversation [portal shimmering.]
[people screaming in distance.]
Y'all just saw that, right? [portal shimmering.]
And that.
Well, you really have buggered everything up this time.
Her idea.
No matter.
As you can see, my agents are already hard at work dealing with these Anachronisms.
Anachronisms? People, places, and things displaced from their native time periods.
I told you I was leaving to create an organization to replace the Time Masters.
- 15 minutes ago.
- For you.
Forming the Time Bureau has been the work of the last five years of my life.
[portals shimmering.]
[dinosaurs roaring.]
I've gotten quite good at it, I'd have to say.
You mean you have Time Agents at work in the Cretaceous Period as we speak? Indeed, and throughout Los Angeles, making sure no one retains any memory of this unfortunate incident.
Which is why your services are no longer required.
Whoa.
What? It seems only fitting, since I was the one who brought this team together that I should be the one to disband it.
So [clears throat.]
On behalf of the Time Bureau, I hereby relieve the Legends from duty.
[exciting music.]
[bland instrumental music playing.]
This isn't auditions for "American Ninja Warrior," you know.
And how many times have I told you not to play with the merchandise? Oh, I know that look.
It's the look of someone who thinks they could have gotten a better job.
Well, let me tell you something, freckles, you're lucky I even hired someone who had been reported dead twice.
Especially in this economy.
What? No thank you? [groans.]
[dramatic music.]
[exhales.]
[bland instrumental music resumes.]
Thank you.
That's better.
Now get over to Health and Beauty.
Somebody just spilled a whole mess of conditioner.
[indistinct chatter.]
Whoo.
[chuckles.]
[clears throat.]
Alan Alan, um, I've had a breakthrough.
I have told you not to interrupt me - when I'm plugged in.
- Yes.
No, I know that's very important to you, but, um, Alan, I've been working on this side project.
Not only have I managed to shrink organic matter, but I've also streamlined the technology so that you can wear I'm not interested, brah.
Look, I-I get it.
Once upon a time, you were "Ray Palmer, tech mogul.
" But when you give your company to a woman who runs it into the ground, you lose all side-project privileges.
Great news for you, though, what we're doing here at Upswipz is trying to change the world.
[sighs.]
Upswipz is a dating app.
Just like Tinder, except you swipe up-down instead of left-right.
Which is far more intuitive.
And Upswipz isn't a dating app.
It's a holistic social networking Social networking platform.
Ah, but, Alan, my miniaturization technology has the potential to actually make the world a better place.
If that were true, it'd be an app.
If it doesn't live in a phone, it's not the future, Ray.
[solemn music.]
Well, I've actually been to the future.
Like, three times.
- [exciting music.]
- [grunting.]
[gunfire.]
[choking.]
Damn it, Wally.
What did I say? Ah, I was supposed to save some of the bad guys for you.
Just a few.
You know what? I'll make it up to you.
The first round is on me.
No.
Thanks, man, we're good.
I actually have a girl waiting for me.
Next time.
[romantic music.]
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
There was a Kind of a work thing.
- It's okay.
- Um I know a really great coffee place [phone unlocks.]
Um Alana.
- [beach music.]
- - Hey, girl.
- Hi.
Hey, idiot.
Either refill my margarita, or get out of my light.
This is a private beach.
Listen, pal, what did I [horse neighing.]
[dramatic music.]
And who the hell are you supposed to be? I am Gaius Julius Caesar of Rome.
Oh.
Thought I recognized you.
I knocked off one of your casinos in Vegas.
I am here to conquer all the known world.
Right.
Wait a sec.
How did you get here? I imagine through the mischief of the goddess Ate.
But it matters not the land I find myself in.
It is but a matter of time before my banner flies over it.
Is that a fact? [cell phone ringing.]
Yeah? [belches.]
Boss.
- Rory? - I got a situation.
I think I bumped into one of those mechanisms Mechanism? A nagging-ism.
Anachronism? Yes.
Julius Caesar is in Aruba.
- Seriously? - Seriously.
I got him tied up in my casita.
What do you want me to do? Just sit tight and keep him safe.
If you screw up history, the Bureau will be on your ass - before you can say - [clears throat.]
- Son of a bitch.
- [phone beeps.]
Are you taking a personal call during peak consumer traffic? No.
[dramatic music.]
'Cause I quit.
[boxes crashing.]
[indistinct chatter.]
All right.
[sighs.]
What's so important to make you catch a train to Central City? Where's Amaya? We kind of broke up.
- What? - It's not a big deal.
So what's going on? Rory found an Anachronism.
Apparently, Julius Caesar just wound up in Aruba.
Mick's got him all tied up.
Look, this is our chance to get the Time Bureau to deal us back in.
Look, if we pull this off, Rip might give us our old ship back.
Wow, I had no idea you were so unhappy with your new life.
[scoffs.]
Are you kidding me? I'm, uh I'm I'm loving it.
I'm doing really good work.
It says you work at Sink Shower & Stuff.
Yeah, well even vigilantes have to pay their bills.
What are you guys so content with, huh? What are you doing? [scoffs.]
I'm doing pretty good.
Thanks for asking.
I am [clears throat.]
The second most popular superhero in Central City.
So that's pretty good.
Well, I am the first most popular in Silicon Valley, when I'm not changing the world with a Holistic social networking platform.
Let's go.
- Mm-hmm.
- Thank God.
You sure this is where they're at? I bumped into one of Rip's Time Agents a while back.
He may have left his badge at my place.
He left it at your place? All right, maybe I lifted it off of him in the morning.
[quirky music.]
[tense music.]
- Freeze! - Hands in the air! Eyes on, eyes on! Hey, don't move! - [sighs.]
- Stay right there! [guns clicking.]
Hello, everyone.
Welcome.
On the floor.
Hands behind your heads.
Uh, sorry, there must be some kind of mistake.
We're the we're the Legends! Oh! [groaning.]
Oh, we know exactly who you losers are.
Wow, this floor is, like, super clean.
[groans.]
Lady, why are you so mean? Maybe it's that poly-blend pantsuit that's got her so grumpy.
I didn't know Men's Wearhouse gave group discounts.
What's wrong with you people? Do you want to get shot? Totally rather get shot than look like a Sears model.
[guns clicking.]
Hold your fire! Stand down! All of you.
Excuse me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Hello.
So good to see you all.
Next time, just call ahead.
You son of a bitch.
Eyes on, eyes on! There's been a slight misunderstanding, Dr.
Heywood.
Nate, what are you doing? I want to hear Rip say it.
You told Amaya to go back to 1942.
Amaya went back to 1942? It was her idea.
She wanted to go back home to Zambesi.
What'd you say? It was Amaya's idea to go back to Zambesi.
No, I heard him, Ray.
I was just being rhetorical.
[solemn music.]
All right.
This is just awkward.
[coughing.]
So what brings the rest of you to the Time Bureau? We found an Anachronism.
I wasn't aware any of you were searching for Anachronisms.
We weren't.
Rory was on a bender when Julius Caesar showed up.
[laughs.]
Agent Sharp, have we seen any activity that would match such a massive historical displacement? Absolutely not, sir.
Well, I guess you must have missed one then.
I find that very hard to believe, and you know what Ready a go-team and we will meet you at the Op-Center.
[softly.]
Sir.
In the meantime Who fancies a tour? [scoffs.]
Guess they're, uh, not used to seeing famous people.
Yeah, kind of like we're the Founding Fathers of the Time Bureau.
In a way.
I suppose if you lot hadn't created the greatest time paradox the world had ever known, all of these people would have nothing to do.
Unhand me, you knave! Is that? Oh, yeah.
King Arthur.
[grunts.]
His displacement into the Spanish Civil War caused quite the Anachronism.
Ah, evil sorcerer! I might have known you were responsible for all of this.
[device fires.]
Now when he's returned to his original time, he will have no memory of his displacement.
All humility aside, we are the most important security organization [whispers.]
That no one's ever heard of.
Who somehow missed the fact that Julius Caesar is down in Aruba working on his tan.
I'm sure our detection system would have picked up on his displacement.
Hm.
Yeah, and we get that, but all we're saying is, if you wanted to give us the old Waverider back, we would be happy to go down there and take care of it for you.
Yeah, you know, for For old time's sake? [rousing music.]
I'm sorry, but our old ship has been put to new use.
[door whirring, monitor beeping.]
You turned our ship into a simulator? The Command Module is heading toward a meteoroid belt.
Apollo 13 astronauts will die unless we do something.
Aw, that's cool, man.
They're teaching one of our old missions.
I've got an idea.
Why don't we swing around and use our ship as a shield? - Boom.
- [scoffs.]
Kidding.
I'm not a total idiot.
Target the Command Module's oxygen tank with our photons, and fire.
[computer beeping.]
[cheers and applause.]
- Yes! - The ruptured tank propelled their capsule out of harm's way, Captain.
Well done, class.
See you all tomorrow.
We'll see how you do trying to stop an atomic torpedo from blowing up New York City.
- [scoffs.]
- [laughs.]
[scoffs.]
What are they doing here? We are here to help you.
That's very gracious of you.
But whatever it is, we have professionals who can handle the matter.
Along with whatever damage Mr.
Rory causes.
Your salad sucks.
You should know this is not the first time I've been taken captive.
Oh, great, a story.
Once, when I was a young man, I was kidnapped by pirates.
They ransomed me for 50 talents of silver, a fortune.
My family paid the money, of course.
But I told my captors they would be better off killing me.
Because if they did let me go, I promised to come back one day, and not only to take my silver, but to crucify the pirates one by one.
And that's exactly what I did.
You saying I should kill you? You should believe me when I make a promise.
The gold in this satchel is yours.
Gold? But I swear by my household gods, it will cost you your life.
Oh.
[tense music.]
[groans.]
[both grunting.]
Do we have a location on Mr.
Rory? Mm, we followed a trail of petty larceny reports.
He's been holed up on the beach, running up a room service tab and a serious collection of STDs.
- That's our Mick.
- He's been busy.
[both grunting.]
Locking in on coordinates now.
Is the go-team ready? Locked and loaded, sir.
Opening a portal.
[suspenseful music.]
[groans.]
[panting.]
You broke my nose.
[upbeat dance music playing.]
[portal shimmering.]
Out of my way! [both grunting.]
- Our team is under attack.
- Definitely Rory.
Alpha team, do you have eyes on Caesar? He's got the target.
What do you want us to do, Command? Get the hell out of there before Mr.
Rory causes any more mayhem.
Roger that.
Initiating extraction.
Get off me, you damn missionaries! [portal shimmering.]
[all groaning.]
Get the hell off me, dude.
This is Julius Caesar? Dude, my dad's a lawyer.
I'm going to totally sue all of your asses.
[device fires.]
What is this place? An institution you will never step foot in again, Mr.
Rory.
Get them out of here! Rip, look.
I'm sorry.
- I thought that this - The Legends would change? Since when do we need to change? When you left our team, you said you had nothing left to teach me.
Yes, well, unfortunately all of history suddenly came unglued moments after I'd uttered those words.
[sighs.]
Look, I miss the good old days too, Sara.
But times have changed.
Yeah, and you don't think you need us anymore.
Look, Rip.
This is our mess.
You have to let us fix it.
Using your team to fix anything is like doing brain surgery with a chainsaw.
[solemn music.]
[sighs.]
Whoa.
You can't leave yet.
Not without parking validation.
[coins clinking.]
[Rory beating vending machine.]
[groaning.]
Son of a bitch stole my money.
[groans.]
[machine dings.]
Whoa.
This is a genuine Roman aureus.
This is first century B.
C.
That means Rory really saw Julius Caesar.
Duh.
We've got to tell Rip that he's got the wrong guy.
Yeah, like he'll listen to us.
He's right.
We've got to grab Caesar ourselves.
And prove to Rip that we got the right stuff.
Sara.
Exit's this way.
Our ship's this way.
We're gonna steal the Waverider? We're gonna fix our mistakes.
[suspenseful music.]
[sighs.]
Oh, damn it! I mean, darn it.
There's a class in session.
Ah.
Listen up, punks.
Class dismissed.
Get out of here.
This must be a part of the training exercise.
[clears throat.]
Our ship has been boarded by a Time Pirate.
On behalf of The Time Bureau, and in accordance to Article 15.
6, Section B, concerning the unlawful seizure of Time Ships [grunts.]
[others gasping.]
Anyone else? Gideon's been in sleep mode for five years, but if I can divert her power back to the core Hello, Legends.
What did I miss? Well, we're about to steal the ship, go grab Julius Caesar in Aruba, all before history completely collapses.
So it's business as usual, then.
[chuckles.]
Exactly.
Gideon, engines to power.
Turbines to speed.
Right away, Captain.
[rumbling and creaking.]
Sounds like this old boat needs a lube job.
What in the hell do they think they're doing? The hangar's sealed.
There's no way out of here.
Yep, well, I'm afraid the Legends have never permitted something like logic to stop them.
[sighs.]
I hope you know what you're doing, Ms.
Lance.
Gideon, time-jump us out of here.
Uh, are you sure we can time-jump inside the building? We're about to find out.
[ship whirring.]
[engine whooshing.]
[engine sputtering.]
Gideon, when are we? I was only able to time-jump us three minutes into the future.
We're still in Star City.
- [sighs.]
- If you haven't noticed, the ship is in desperate need of maintenance.
Yeah, there's no way we're gonna make it to Aruba.
Can we make it to Central City? I know a good mechanic there.
[doorbell ringing.]
Jefferson.
What a what a nice surprise.
Lily also dropped by with some rather exciting news.
Oh, well, if it's a bad time, I can always just Wait, wait.
What is it? Something's wrong.
I can feel it.
We may only see each other once a week for our bonding sessions, but we still share a psychic connection.
[sighs.]
I dropped out of school.
Why would you do that? You could have your master's in in two years.
Yeah, I know, it's just [sighs.]
Learning about engineering is not half as fun as actually, you know, being an engineer on a time ship.
Oh, hey, Jax.
Whoa.
Whoa, Lily, you're You're What? I'm what? Uh, you you look You look healthy.
I'm kidding.
I'm pregnant.
- [laughing.]
- Oh, my God.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
Yeah, I was on sabbatical in Rome with my boyfriend and She means her future husband.
And we decided we wanted to come home and break the big news in person.
[both laugh.]
Oh, I've got to put the osso buco in the oven, but you should totally stay for dinner Right, daddy? - Yeah.
- Okay.
Dude.
What? My heart still melts when she says that word.
It's crazy.
It's [spaceship whooshing.]
Oh, my God.
Is that what I think it is? Come on, Grey.
A chance to meet Julius Caesar and fix history.
- [sighs.]
- Look, we have a time ship.
We can get you home in time for dessert.
That's what I told Clarissa the last time I left.
And when you came home you had a surprise daughter.
- Mm? - Your point? The point is, sometimes we screw things up for the better.
That's a good motto.
We should use that.
[sighs.]
Fine, whatever.
I'll I'll come.
Great.
Now all we need is Amaya, and we can get the band back together.
- That's not happening.
- Whoa, did I miss something? - Mm-mm.
- [whispers.]
Amaya dumped him.
Went back to 1942.
[scoffs.]
She didn't dump me.
She didn't dump me.
Amaya went back to Zambesi because Rip told her she has some sort of destiny to fulfill back in 1942.
That's it.
Unlike the rest of us who don't have crap waiting for us in the real world.
Speak for yourself, numbnuts.
I don't know about you all, but I was destined for greater things than folding towels.
And Rip thinks he doesn't need us because he's got the Time Bureau.
Ray's right.
We're the ones who broke history.
We should be the ones that fix it.
But instead of operating on history with a chainsaw, this time we are gonna be the scalpel.
[upbeat dance music playing.]
Is this your idea of subtle? Just try to blend in, okay? No problem.
Great Caesar's ghost.
That's him.
So what I have to say to you is this: are you willing to fight with me? All: Yeah! And claim this savage land for Rome? All: Yeah! What, did you teach Caesar English? Nope.
Just showed up speaking fancy.
Temporal linguistic dysplasia - What? - A side effect of historical displacement.
Astonishing! You know, cowards die many times before their deaths.
The valiant never taste death but once! Yeah! And Delta Nu Phi sucks! All: Delta Nu Phi sucks! Alpha Psi Gamma sucks! Delta Nu Phi sucks! Can we not agree they all suck? [sighs.]
A'ight.
Let's shut this toga party down before things really get out of hand.
No powers.
It can make the Anachronism worse.
Right, be the scalpel.
Because I saw in you I've got an idea.
The makings of a legion.
Come on, man, are you really trying to hook up now? No, I'm creating a dating profile on our new UpSwipz app.
Gideon, I need you to hit every phone on the beach with a match.
"Exotic beauty looking for casual sex with young frat stud?" - That might work.
- Yeah.
Now all I need is a profile picture.
I believe I've got that covered.
[phone chimes.]
[burps.]
Ooh.
Not bad.
[crowd cheering.]
For Mars! - All: Yeah! - For Rome! All: Yeah! Death or glory! [cell phones chiming.]
All right, JC.
Party's over.
You're coming with us.
I'd rather fall on my sword than surrender it to a woman.
Well, then today is your lucky day.
[dramatic music.]
[both grunting.]
Uh, shouldn't we help her? It's him I'm worried about.
All: Ooh.
Yep, I'd say our work here is done.
And to quote the great conqueror himself, "We came, we saw" [together.]
We kicked Caesar's ass! - Mm.
- Mm.
- Oh, man.
- Oh.
- Suckers.
- Nice work.
I'd have done it faster.
[groaning.]
Oh, I'm sorry.
Did that hurt? Easy, Mick.
He broke my nose.
My best feature.
Still we have to get him back to his time in one piece.
Or he doesn't go on to conquer the world and help create the greatest empire history has ever known.
We need to get moving.
It's not gonna take Rip long to track down a stolen time ship.
Quite so, Ms.
Lance.
It appears that you've captured the real Julius Caesar.
Well done.
Now, if you'll just return him to us, we'll be happy to handle his reinsertion back into history.
You don't think we can handle it? It's not that.
Maybe it is that.
But the fact remains that you have hijacked our property.
And if you would return it to us along with our anachronistic guest, all will be forgiven.
I trust you'll use your best judgment.
[laughing.]
Does he not know this team? Shouldn't we entrust Caesar's return to people who do that sort of thing professionally? I thought this was our chance to prove that we were professional ish.
Your call, Captain.
[sighs.]
Gideon, plot a course for the Time Bureau.
I'm afraid that won't be possible without additional repairs.
[sighs.]
Of course.
Et tu, Sara? I'm using my best judgment.
You know, I've taken these engines apart so many times, feels like this ship is a part of me.
It is a part of you that you can take on whatever adventure life offers you next.
[scoffs.]
What adventure could be better than this one? I mean, I got to be a superhero who traveled through time, changing history.
Yes, I know.
Look, I know you want to do the whole granddad thing.
Smoke a pipe by the fire, but I got a whole lot of life left, and I have no idea how to fill it.
Jefferson, you are, hands down, the most gifted, capable, Jeffersodriven young man handsl've ever known.
You can do anything you want to do.
Well, that's all well and good, but what I want to do is be half of a nuclear-powered superhero.
And I can't do that if you don't want to.
[sighs.]
[door opens.]
[door closes.]
Have you come to gloat? Or to grant me the mercy of taking my own life? Getting beaten by a woman bothers you that much? Yes.
If your intention is neither boasting nor mercy, to what do I owe the honor of this visit? [chuckles.]
You doubt your present course of action and seem to believe that Caesar holds the key to resolving it.
There's nothing to resolve.
My course of action isn't up to me.
So you believe your future lies in the hands of the Three Fates? No.
It lies in the hands of a group called the Time Bureau.
And if I go against them now, they'll take my ship.
And if I screw this up, then I lose everything.
And that's all you're willing to wager for greatness? Pompey said he would have my head for going against the Senate but when I lead my army across the Rubicon, Rome will welcome me as a god.
Well, I wish I shared your confidence.
It cost me eight years and countless centurions to conquer Gaul.
But with an Amazonian queen like you by my side, I could make short work of the rest of the world.
Conquering the world does sound nice But I don't need you to do it.
Ship's fixed, Cap.
Fixed enough to get us back to the Time Bureau? Mm-hmm.
How about ancient Rome? Only one way to find out.
[engine whooshing.]
[rousing music.]
According to Gideon, Caesar disappeared the night before his famous march on Rome.
Yeah, no crossing the Rubicon means no civil war.
No civil war means no Ides of March.
No Ides of March means [snaps fingers.]
No Roman Empire.
What happens on the Ides of March? Eh well, that's when your friends, who really aren't your friends, stab you in the back to stop your rise to power.
Not that you'll remember any of this.
[device fires.]
Check it out.
History is back to normal.
And now a little something for the Heywood scrapbook.
[camera clicks.]
Oh, man.
That's a keeper.
Enjoy conquering the world.
[solemn music.]
[suspenseful music.]
Perhaps my eyes deceive me, but that does not look like the Time Bureau to me.
No, it says here we landed in 49 B.
C.
Relax, because we just dropped off JC back where he belongs.
So, history has been restored, and we can go home.
I'm afraid that's not possible.
Why? Something wrong with the ship? No, but your home no longer exists.
Here is a map of what was formally known as the United States, circa 2017.
I thought you said that history has been restored.
Does that look restored to you? What does "Magna Hesperia" mean? It means Caesar went on to conquer the known world and then the unknown world.
One of you fools must have entrusted him with future knowledge, something that allowed him to alter the course of history.
No, no.
I mean, Sara hit him with Rip's flashy - Flashy thing.
- Thing.
Oh, my God.
- What? - [sighs.]
My book.
What book? Change of plans.
We're not marching on Rome, sir? No, we're still marching.
But when we get there, we're going to visit a few old friends starting with Brutus and Cassius.
I cannot believe you let Caesar steal the answers to the test.
Why are you all looking at me? It's not my fault.
How did mop-head even know there would be a test? It's a figure of speech.
Caesar knew how to alter history because he already knew how it would unfold.
Okay, so all we got to do is get back out there and refold history.
Or contact Mr.
Hunter, and let the Time Bureau handle it.
No, no, no, no.
We do not let those time-turds have the satisfaction of knowing that we That you lost the book? Stop blaming me, okay? Caesar must have swiped it when I wasn't looking.
- Nate's right.
- Thank you.
Not about it not being your fault About The Time Bureau.
They're 2,000 years away.
We can fix this before they even - [portal shimmering.]
- Too late.
[watch beeping.]
[clears throat.]
[tense music.]
Ms.
Lance, a word.
Yeah.
Look, I know what you're gonna say, but we are gonna fix this.
You shall do nothing of the sort.
My agents will clear this mess in no time.
And what if something goes sideways? None of these guys are field agents.
Admit it, Rip.
You need us.
No, Sara.
You need this.
But just because you all found life outside this ship boring doesn't mean you get your old jobs back.
Because the Time Bureau is capable of getting the job done [whispers.]
Without the mess.
Status? We've got eyes on the target.
Go-team is hot.
Yes, you are.
Watch and learn, Ms.
Lance.
Execute.
[beeping.]
[portal shimmering.]
Asset acquired.
Proceed to the target to commence memory erasure protocol.
Wait, I've seen this play before.
Leave the merchandise unattended, draw the target out League of Assassins strategy? No, it's Sink Shower & Stuff.
We use it to catch shoplift It's a trap! You've got to pull your team out of there.
Agent Sharpe, initiate extraction.
Extract.
[portal shimmering.]
Uh, Agent Sharpe has been apprehended.
We were caught unprepared.
But we'll go back in, and we And screw things up worse than you already have? Boss is right.
We need to go and rescue Agent Hotcakes.
Oh, please.
This entire situation is happening because of you idiots Idiots? Idiots with special abilities.
We know how to handle ourselves.
Not against Julius Caesar, who has an entire legion at his command.
We're pretty good at taking down legions.
You're damn straight.
[sighs.]
I'm assuming the answer is no, but do any of you happen to have a plan? We're about to rejoin my army.
Be grateful.
Not only am I letting you live, I'm permitting you to witness the rise of the Roman Empire.
The Time Bureau will never permit you to alter history.
Caesar does not alter history.
He makes it.
Surrender your prisoner in the name of Ares, the god of war! Mars is the Roman god of war, Jefferson.
Yeah, whatever.
[men screaming.]
- What the hell are you doing? - Rescuing you.
I can take care of myself.
[grunts.]
Howdy.
Dormi strictum amicus.
What did you say to him? Uh, "sleep tight, buddy"? I guess.
Maybe.
I think this deserves a bro hug.
Bring it.
Damn, Ray.
[grunting, blows landing.]
[mechanical firing.]
You ruined my vacation and my nose.
[grunts.]
[body thuds.]
Now we're even.
See? Problem solved.
I've got to say, Ms.
Lance, now that I've seen your team in action with my own eyes, you are even worse than I imagined.
You're welcome.
[rousing music.]
[engine whooshing.]
Well, like Nate said, sometimes we screw things up for the better.
I fail to see how that's true in this case.
It's our new motto.
New motto? Right, does that mean that you all plan to continue swashbuckling your way through history? With the Time Bureau's permission, of course.
And if I deny you permission? - We'll do it anyways.
- Yeah.
Sir, the go-team has erased the memories of Caesar and his forces.
Good.
We'd best take our leave, then.
Sara.
Mr.
Rory.
Do your best to stay out of trouble.
[chuckles.]
[sighs.]
What's that? It's a, uh, portal thingy.
A, uh, communications thing, and a, uh Ah, yes a memory thing.
So I guess that means you're staying.
Well, I kind of have to.
You'd be dead without me.
Cheers.
[solemn music.]
They are irresponsible, undependable, unpredictable, dangerous.
And yet effective.
At least on occasion.
Is that the reason they're not warming a cell back at headquarters as we speak? They're not warming a cell, Agent Sharpe, because they might just be our best hope of defeating what's coming.
They are the reason Mallus is a threat.
Indeed.
But there might just come a day when we need the Legends to do what they do best Which is what, exactly? Be the chainsaw.
Would you open a portal back to headquarters? I seem to have misplaced my Time Courier.
[portal shimmering.]
- How's she running? - Lousy.
Rip's monkeys really screwed up the works.
It's gonna take Ray months to figure this out.
Why Raymond? Well, I told Sara to take us back home.
Oh, that's that's unfortunate, considering I have decided to stay aboard.
Whoa, wait, wait, what? I shanghaied you into our first voyage.
I forced this life upon you.
I could hardly ask you to give it up now.
But your life, your family I'll make it home for the birth of my first grandchild.
As for my family They're on this ship as well.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
[laughs.]
[door opens.]
You doing okay? Well, nothing says "doing okay" like pining over files of your ex.
Yeah, I was just thinking About her? Yeah, about her, and and this place.
I miss being on the ship.
Yeah, of course you do.
It's your home.
And she's back home too.
If she's happy, I'm happy.
She's happy, right? Yeah.
Totally.
- [dramatic music.]
- This is the village.
Get out of our way, woman.
Actually, that's what I was gonna tell you.
We have business here.
If you call poaching and raping "business.
" Zambesi is under my protection.
[speaking Belgian.]
[guns clicking.]
[roaring.]
[elephants trumpeting, men screaming.]
[roaring.]
No! No, please don't! [man screaming.]