Difficult People (2015) s03e01 Episode Script
Passover Bump
1 CBS presents a live televised musical event, "Sunday in the Park with George," starring the cast of "The Big Bang Theory"! [orchestra warming up.]
- Resist! - Impeach! - Stop this abomination! - Don't ruin our favorite show! [crowd commotion.]
- Fuck you, Bazinga! - No Bazinga! [tone.]
[upbeat music.]
BILLY: 20 hours of community service is ridiculous for what we did.
JULIE: If we hadn't stormed that stage, people could have thought that it reflected - Sondheim's intentions! - Community service is so degrading.
How do you think Boy George got through it? Poppers Hey, what time is it? I need to make my annual insurance-less pilgrimage to the old therapist at my college clinic.
You still go to the free student clinic for antidepressants? Ever since I gained my Freshman 1,500.
You know, when Josh Gad optioned my article, I thought I had a chance at real medical care.
But then that fell through, and now I need my increase before the holiday.
Ah, yes The Passover Bump.
SSRis are like my own chemical Moses, getting me through a family Seder.
- [tires screech.]
- Hey! Do you two outside janitors know where the Trump statue is? Yeah, sure, and we'd love to tell you.
What you're gonna wanna do is just [driving punk rock music.]
"I waited over an hour for my food" "but got no help from the elderly gay man with stubble" "or the unhinged blond" "with a lot to say about Area 51.
" Fucking transphobic Yelp reviewer! Look, now that there's a sound stage in the neighborhood, daytime TV producers want their food fast.
Oh, God forbid Wendy Williams or Maury's assistant - needs to wait for their eggs.
- I've come up with a plan.
It's called the Nine-Minute Lunch.
I think I got one of those in the bathroom of the Phoenix once.
- Ugh! - BOTH: Trash! Look, lunch will be on the table in nine minutes, or it's free.
Well, this is the worst day ever.
Why? Did Joel Grey's lawyer serve you with another restraining order? Leave that bisexual octogenarian alone.
Joke's on you: My parents are dead! - My God, are you okay? - What happened? Is that them in those urns? No, I'm not okay.
They were murdered at Dollywood, and these are just two-for-one vases I got on sale.
Even in my darkest hour, I can't pass up a bargain.
Honey, are you sure you wanna be at work today? Probably not.
I'm the emotional equivalent - of bareback.
- Oh, he gets the day off, but Transarella has to scrub the floor? I swear, if I have to hear one more cis person complain about their life, I'm gonna kill myself! Matthew, I know we're not friends or anything.
I know we don't even like each other.
But my parents died too, so if you ever need to Monologue? Thank you.
'Twas a Tuesday, so naturally Meemaw and Peepaw were down at Dollywood.
Well, there was one last funnel cake at the Lil' Loggers Landing ride, and my parents died in the shootout.
I-I'm sorry.
Do white people usually die like this? BOTH: Yes.
Tennessee is a mandatory carry state.
And now I have to go down there to identify the funnel cake! [sobbing.]
Does anybody have a gun I can borrow? Oh, hey, okay, come on.
Come on.
You'll always be my baby.
[baby cries.]
Oh, my real baby's crying.
[baby cries.]
- Hey! Oh, you okay.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey, fella.
- [continue comforting baby.]
- Like I said, I know we're not friends or anything, but - NATE: [cooing.]
Yeah - This sale did it include furniture? [Computer Magic's "Running" plays.]
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Depression it follows you everywhere like a shadow.
Ridshadovan treats moderate-to-severe depression.
Call your doctor if you're experiencing suicidal thoughts that are dissimilar to the suicidal thoughts you usually experience day-to-day.
WOMAN: In the dark [phone vibrates.]
Hey, Mom, have you heard of Ridshadovan? Heard of them? They sent me a mouse pad and a pubic comb.
Now that I've had my house renovated, I want everything to look perfect.
Speaking of that, what are you wearing to the Seder? I have some notes about last year's outfit.
I'm an adult.
I don't dress for you.
You also don't dress for your complexion.
Okay, here's who's coming, and here's what not to talk to them about.
Uncle Tobey: The ACLU.
Cousin Harry: Women.
And as for that angel of death herself, Aunt Bonnie Oh, shit.
What is it this year? Her on-again cocaine addiction.
Ugh! Like we need that bitch to be even more of an asshole.
God, I hate that fuckin' bitch! Me too.
I like that we're getting along Moving on.
Here's what not to talk to me about.
Number one: Arthur.
- Number two: Arthur's drinking.
- MAN: Mohart? Yes.
That's me.
Just a 17-year-old college student.
See you girls at the quad later.
We can talk about vampire novels! Listen, here's why I'm here.
My serotonin is in the serotoilet, and I'm gonna need you to kick my meds up a notch.
- [clicks tongue.]
- Oh.
Let's see what you're currently taking.
Uh they still make that?! Yikes! Oh, yoy, yoy.
Skimming, skimming.
- Skimming.
- How 'bout Ridshadovan? Can we add a splash of that mixer to the cocktail? - What do you think? - Why not? They sent me a fanny pack and a whoopee cushion.
Sounds legit! [exhales.]
It's, uh, Kessler.
K-e-s-s-l-e-r.
Hello! [gasps.]
Oh, my God, she's dead.
She died right in front of me.
[softly.]
I just want the pad Fuckin' rigor mortis setting in already! Why does everything bad always happen to me? Have a nice day! [Computer Magic's "Running" plays.]
WOMAN: Can you find me In the dark? This is what's called a grab-bag call.
It's one audition that we can apply to hundreds of opportunities.
There's so much content now, individual auditions are just not practical.
Yeah.
Everyone who used to say, "I don't have a TV," are now saying, "There are too many shows!" [giggles.]
I-I'm sorry.
So I do this one audition, and then I'm eligible for what? Well, let's see what's on the menu today.
Oh, a recurring on a Seeso crime procedural.
- Seeso? - It's on the computer.
Uh, late-night warm-up comic.
Kevin James's brother.
Oh, sperm donor to my sister who's gonna be my surrogate once she pays her dog's ransom.
You kidnapped your sister's dog? I kidnapped my sister's dog.
I need her to be my surrogate.
You know how many kids she has? Three.
You know how many I have? Minus two.
So I'll be Charla, you be Dave, and, uh, let's just have fun with it.
"Dave, wow" "I thought you'd never come visit me in the hospital.
" I'm leaving you.
[screaming.]
FUCK YOU! Hi.
Welcome to the Quiznos Clinic.
- Sandwiches or health care? - Oh, I'm getting a sandwich.
She's seeing the psychopharmacologist.
Yeah.
I have enough Toasty Points - to see a doctor for free.
- Great.
He's just finishing up with a patient.
White or wheat? White, please, 8-inch, turkey ranch, and Swiss.
Thanks.
- Sounds good.
- God, I can't get over how weird it is that the best health care in New York City is at a Quiznos.
Well ever since Trump replaced the Department of Health with Jenny McCarthy's blog, nothing makes sense.
Doctors have to do whatever they can to earn a living.
Um, the doctor's ready for you now.
- Thanks.
- Have fun! - Hi.
- Julia Kessler? Uh looking at your blood test results, I assume you're here to wean yourself off the toxic levels of psychotropic meds in your body? Wait what? No, no, no, no, no.
I'm here for more antidepressants.
You see, Passover is coming, like winter on "Game of Thrones," I assume, and I need more drugs so I can survive my family during the holidays.
If I give you more antidepressants, you'll die.
Your blood is technically a foam.
So I-I'm sorry.
What are you saying? You're not gonna give me any more drugs? No.
Fuck you! [phone buzzes.]
[as Madea.]
Heller? Good afternoont! Billy Epstein? Congratulations.
- You booked a role! - Oh, my God! Which one? First I need to read you the roles you did not get, starting alphabetically.
AMA Awards Red Carpet Host, Annette Bening's butt double Can you just tell me which one I got? Interesting way of gathering information, but okay, I'll bite.
Larry Wilmore has a new late-night talk show, and you're the warm-up comic for his studio audience! Okay! [Laughs.]
All right, amazing! Um but I-I'm sorry.
Can you tell me, did Annette Bening's butt double people have any notes for next time? Extended Release, how was the doctor? Horrible.
I maxed out on antidepressants.
- But it's Passover.
- Yeah, I know.
How am I supposed to get through Seder without my little helper? How'd you know I was going out of town? No, no, no, I meant little helper, like slang for drugs.
Like black beauties or Imagine Dragons.
Or bennies.
Bennies burritos.
Dexies.
Dexys Midnight Runners.
Uppers, downers, East Enders, skins, Winonas, Puerto Rican French fries, Liza with a Zs, ludes, Crude ludes with attitudes You're going out of town? - I just found out.
- Jesus Christ, Arthur! I haven't had to sit through a family Seder by myself since I was a witch in college.
You know I depend on my mother's hatred of you to pull focus off my own wrongdoings.
And I love being your human shield, but due to budget cuts, PBS had to relocate all our productions.
Please tell me you're not going to L.
A.
I wish! Louisiana was too expensive.
No, from here on in, we're shooting everything at Burt Reynolds' old dinner theater in Jupiter, Florida.
Oh, Jesus, Arthur! Why is this happening? I'll be back before you know it, and Billy will be at the Seder.
[phone buzzes.]
- Hey.
- Good news, bad news.
I'm warming up for Larry Wilmore, and I can't come to Seder.
Oh, fuck! Wait, which is which? Thanks for volunteering here at the Children's Hospital.
Well, it was mandatory, part of our community service requirement.
But it's nice to finally have a pair of shoes that fits me.
You're gonna brighten up some lives! These kids are at an age where they don't know yet to be scared of clowns.
I want a clown name, you know, just a big, goofy, harmless clown, someone who doesn't upset anybody, totally unmemorable, no edge.
Hey, kid, I'm Go-Go! - And I'm Mario Lopez.
- [lisping.]
And we're here to make your last hours on Earth a little sillier! [toot toot.]
So do you have any jokes? Maybe we can read you some of our tweets.
- Oh, that's a good idea.
- 'Cause we've written those already Those are already out there.
Yeah, exactly.
You can't steal them.
- Uh no.
- Too obscure.
Oh, here's one.
You know Elmo, right? Here's one about the guy who played Elmo.
Oh, no, no.
Maybe no tweets.
Hey, kid, um how long did the doctor give you to live? I have a broken leg.
From the cancer? No.
I went on a ski trip.
You're not dying? And you're rich? Well, fuck this! - Ooh, chocolates.
- Hey, that's mine.
Yeah.
Come over and stop me.
Are you clowns gonna do anything? I'll sign your fucking cast.
You know what we can do to fill the time? - Hmm? - We can brainstorm some ways for you not to jump off the ledge during Seder.
Okay.
Non-pharmaceutical ways of dealing with stress.
My mom goes to our Sausalito house sometimes to meditate with Oprah.
- Oh, shut up, Baby Warbucks.
- Wait a minute.
Meditation, though? That's just napping, right? I can do that! You need to get yourself one of those meditation apps.
That way, you can be one of those people who feels superior to other people - because you meditate.
- Yes, brilliant.
I'll try it.
Okay.
Great news, kid I left you the creams and jellies in this chocolate assortment.
Bad news I'm taking the rest of it.
Look! Mario Lopez signed your cast.
[upbeat music.]
No.
No.
17.
99? Really? You still owe me 10 bucks for "Inland Empire.
" No.
Ooh! Hey, it's me, Danny Aiello.
- Are you ready to meditate? - Yeah! What a coincidence.
So the hell am I.
Okay, pally, do me a favor and get yourself in a comfortable position and take some deep breaths.
[breathing deeply.]
DANNY: There you go.
[soft music.]
DANNY: And now, we are back.
How do you feel? Pretty relaxed, huh? Atta girl! Now you're all meditated, with me, Danny Aiello.
Bye! Happy Passover, Mom.
Julie, why are you late? You know, it's funny.
I've been losing track of time since I started meditating.
And I've been losing money too.
Is that how that works? - As a mental health profession - Okay, enough! Your father is stuck on the BQE with a fruit platter.
I told him to put Waze on the phone.
He says, "No.
It takes up too much memory.
" What's he doing on his phone, making documentaries? [door closes.]
BOTH: Oh, fuck.
Hi, Aunt Bonnie! Hi, Julie.
Marilyn.
Hello, Bonnie.
You're looking very well.
It's natural to expect a little weight gain, considering all the damage the cocaine's done to your metabolism.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll work it off with sex.
- You remember sex, Marilyn.
- Yes, I do, Bonnie.
You never forget your little sister's first paying job.
Oh, you dirty bitch.
Hey, come on, Lola, I got two potato chip sandwiches up for table three.
I know Billy's at his stupid new job, but where the fuck is Matthew? Matthew.
You are two hours late! And you look like Sal Mineo went to a Hot Topic right before he was murdered.
Uh, so? I don't got parents no more.
So I don't gotta do nothin' nobody says.
I had candy for breakfast this morning.
I don't even give a care! Is this about you losing your parents? That happened on Tuesday.
You're milking this like it had titties! And, yeah, as a transwoman, I can engage in provocative biological discourse.
This is insane! Nine-Minute Lunch, my ass! Like, where is my cold cut and grape salad? All right, all right.
Matthew.
Mattman.
Mattman, we know you're upset, but we need you to help out.
Do you think you could wait some tables? You're not my father! Oh, my God.
What are we supposed to do about our out-of-control teen? MAN: Excuse me.
I've waited more than ten minutes for my carrot wrapped in salami, so I guess that means I get a free meal.
Hey, Facebook Live, it's Billy.
I am coming to you from the set of my new Oh, 'scuse me My new comedy job.
I am doing comedy for one of the funniest Larrys of all time.
Not David.
Not Sanders.
Not even Miller.
But Wilmore! Wilmore! Larry Wilmore! - Yes, I am.
- Oh, my God, Larry, hey.
I'm Billy.
I'm the new warm-up comic.
I was a huge fan of "The Nightly Show," I really was.
Yeah, well, this is a little different.
I'm doing everything the network tells me to do for those high ratings.
I just want to stay on the air.
Let me tell you what America loves on TV.
Party games with celebrities, and interviews with precocious little kids by black men over 40.
You're right.
Steve Harvey.
Bill Cosby.
- Bill Cosby? - When it comes to doing "the darndest things" You think drugging women and having sex with them while they're asleep is a "darndest thing"? - It's not not the darndest.
- No.
No, it's not.
Why don't we leave Larry alone for a sec.
- Sure, yeah.
- Okay.
Oh, my God, I can't believe this.
Two days ago, I was serving mozzarella sticks, and now I am rifting with Larry Wilmore! This is crazy! I have a question, by the way.
Do I do my stand-up right at the top? Because I have a tight 15 minutes about a loose Kevin Spacey.
Hey, don't worry about your "stand-up.
" Your job is to psych up those people.
Come over here, clown.
Look at this.
See this? This is a CD.
This is for the booty-shaking contest.
This is a cannon that shoots out T-shirts.
- Okay.
- These are the T-shirts.
- Guess where they go? - In the cannon.
In the cannon.
What is this right here? These are snacks for those animals up there.
And these are the two most important things.
This is the prank call templates, and these are the clapter suggestions.
I'm sorry "clapter"? Clapter.
That's when one of your jokes doesn't work, you don't get a laugh, you say something very obvious that everyone understands is correct.
That way, at least you get applause.
Oh.
So basically the show bible for "Real Time With Bill Maher.
" Don't riff! Welcome to Seder, everybody.
Happy Passover! ALL: Happy Passover.
- Happy Passover.
- ARTHUR: Hello, Marilyn.
So glad I could be here from the other promised land Jupiter, Florida.
[booming explosion.]
- What was that? - [gunfire.]
Since I landed in Florida, there's been a steady stream of gunfire and explosions.
Judi viewers Bush! Is he really doing that, or am I just detoxing? - Both.
That'll do, pig.
- ARTHUR: Hello! Can you hear [voice muted.]
Can we please start the Seder? The sooner we start, the sooner we get to eat.
Oh, Julie, please, just eat.
I mean, who could blame you for stuffing your face when you got a mess of a mother like that? Don't you tell me why my daughter overeats.
I'll tell you why my daughter overeats.
- Impulse control.
- Impulse control? - That's right.
- I call it neglect! Everything about her is screaming, "Look at me!" - "Look at me!" - My parenting has absolutely nothing to do with her desperate need of attention! - Denial.
- What do you know about kids The only kids you know are the ones you've blown! Seacrest out.
What's going on with Mattman? Well, Maury, Matthew used to be the sweetest boy.
But, you know, this last one day has just been a nightmare.
- ALL: Aw! - Well, maybe we can end this nightmare right now.
Mattman, come on out! - [crowd booing.]
- You don't know me! You don't know me! I do what I want.
You can't handle all this! - MAURY: Sit down, sit down.
- MAN: Shut up! Mattman, you think it's neat to be rude? - It's not neat.
- I think it's neat as fuck.
I don't got parents no more, so I decide what the fuck to do, what the fuck I want.
- [all booing.]
- Oh boo! Denise, you wanna tell him something? Matthew yes there's an addition to our family.
There's a new ingénue, but you will always be my Broadway baby.
CROWD: Aw! You gotta think about the 1989 revival of "Gypsy.
" Yes, Linda Lavin was a great replacement, but Tyne Daley is on the cast album, right? Thank you for putting it in my terms.
- I'm gonna kill that baby.
- Wait What? Uh okay, party people.
How 'bout a prank phone call? It's just gonna go to voice mail.
No one picks up their phone anymore.
[crowd boos.]
- What's up with the crowd, man? - They're acting like I didn't just play beer pong with Joan Didion.
That segment was terrific.
And just so you know, the medic on the set, she said that she can absolutely reattach that finger.
Yeah, all right, whatever.
But I think we made a big mistake with this warm-up guy.
[under breath.]
Oh, fuck.
God, they hate me.
Uh all right, time for some clapter.
Uh Okay, guys, so, um, you know, Osama Bin Laden is still dead.
[applause.]
And, uh, let me just ask you.
How many of you here hate AIDS? [applause.]
And now the easiest clapter of all give it up for Larry Wilmore! [cheers and applause.]
You know, it's great that Larry has a new show, because nobody watched his old show.
[laughter.]
Oh ha ha.
Maybe I should riff.
Right? I mean, Larry always kept it 100.
Unfortunately, he kept it at 100 viewers.
[laughter, applause.]
[softly.]
You used my own words to slam me? He's using my words to slam me.
Uh, Hey, Larry, will more people watch your new show? [laughter, applause.]
I'm gonna fucking kill that guy.
Relax.
Remember what Danny Aiello taught you? - Yes.
Breathe.
- All right.
This next segment is bulletproof.
You talk to a kid.
It's very easy.
- I got it, I got it.
- You got it? All right, we're back in three, two [show theme plays.]
Hey, all right.
This next totally original segment is called Little Kids Say Dumb Things to Big shot Larry.
So everybody please help me welcome Mikey Blazina! Hey, how's it going? Oh, fuck.
Hey, Mario Lopez! Check it out, audience.
He's already saying some dumb shit.
That clown wrote on my leg cast that I was gay, so the kids at school beat me up, and now I have this arm cast! Who, the "not funny T-shirt giving out motherfucker" - over there? - And he ruined "Bazinga in the Park with George"! - AUDIENCE: OH! - He what? Tell the set medic to leave the premises with Joan Didion's frozen finger.
I want this piece of shit to bleed to death while I punch his teeth out.
[crowd commotion.]
- [Billy moaning.]
- [applause.]
BILLY: Ohh! MAN: Whoo-hoo-hoo! You want a T-shirt? Beg, motherfucker! [mellow music.]
DANNY: Okay, pally, do me a solid.
Ask yourself what are you afraid of? - My mother.
- DANNY: What's in the way - of your happiness? - My mother.
DANNY: Well, I got news for you, friendo.
You gotta become the thing that's getting in your way.
But I'm afraid of becoming my mother.
DANNY: It's time to swim through the pain.
Now, I don't know how to swim.
Marty Scorsese said that's why he never cast me in any of his movies.
But I know he was lying.
[shouting.]
What does he fuckin' make, Esther Williams movies? Now that you're good and relaxed, write down my routing number.
- Hey.
- Bonnie? What the hell! I saw you duck in here, all stressed out.
Now, come on.
Give your Aunt Bonnie a nice, fat line of that tasty kosher for Passover booger sugar.
What the hell is wrong with you? You can't get through one meal without drugs? Your mother drove me to it.
I get it.
I completely relate.
But you know what? Maybe it's time for us to become the thing that's getting in our way.
We already opened the door for Elijah.
- Where were you, Julie? - Oh, just upstairs, helping out, being the selfless daughter I always am.
By the way, dear, I had some notes about the blouse you chose to wear tonight.
I'm concerned it's not the most flattering to your bra fat area.
I'm an adult.
I don't dress for you.
What's that? I couldn't hear you over all the makeup.
Lorna, would you pass whatever food is in front of you? Please be careful.
Small bites.
Try to exercise some impulse control.
I'm sorry.
God, I'm the worst.
What are you two, "Freaky Fridaying"? You know I once made Barbara Harris watch while I blew her husband.
And on that note, so ends another Passover.
Oh, by the way, your friend in the computer needs help.
- [no sound.]
- JULIE: Wait a minute.
It's over? I survived the Seder? Mom, Danny Aiello was my Passover Bump! - [gasps.]
- Aah! She's found me! My depression has found me! - Who the hell are you? - You can see her too? Damn it, Flipper, I told you to text me when you were around the corner.
Bonnie, is that your drug dealer that you invited here? No.
She happens to be my tennis instructor.
Bullshit! I've seen you at my old college campus downtown.
Probably.
I sell a lot of drugs to students.
You want my pager number? Get the fuck outta here.
Go! Go! - BONNIE: Come on.
- BOTH: Trash.
I'm sorry the holidays have to be so difficult.
Me too.
But we can agree on one thing, though.
Aunt Bonnie is a total waste of space.
A true human dumpster.
JULIE: Wanna finish those macaroons? - MARILYN: I sure do.
- One more thing.
If a couple of guys show up asking for me Javier and his cousin Carlos, both about 19 tell them to meet me at the Days Inn near JFK and bring the poppers but forget the rubbers.
Happy Passover.
Never brag on social media about a job you haven't started yet.
What are our fake friends saying online? "Hey, asshole, I hear your new job's a hit.
" "In the face.
From Larry Wilmore.
" How 'bout you? You're gonna continue meditating? No, I don't think so.
I mean, yes, it really helped.
But then I was going through my bank statement, and I realized I was hypnotized into sending Danny Aiello nearly $700.
Ugh! God, our lives suck.
At least after this, our community service is over.
In the middle of fuckin' nowhere.
"Big Fuckin' Bang!" - Hey! - Hey! - [car horns honk.]
- BOTH: Hey! - Fuck you! - Fuck you, - "Big Bang" piece of shit! - I got news for you.
Bazinga ruined Bazinga! SINGERS: Oh Thought it'd be easy Thought they didn't know You thought it was the only way to go Another way out Found on the way home Thought you were living fast But you were living slow
- Resist! - Impeach! - Stop this abomination! - Don't ruin our favorite show! [crowd commotion.]
- Fuck you, Bazinga! - No Bazinga! [tone.]
[upbeat music.]
BILLY: 20 hours of community service is ridiculous for what we did.
JULIE: If we hadn't stormed that stage, people could have thought that it reflected - Sondheim's intentions! - Community service is so degrading.
How do you think Boy George got through it? Poppers Hey, what time is it? I need to make my annual insurance-less pilgrimage to the old therapist at my college clinic.
You still go to the free student clinic for antidepressants? Ever since I gained my Freshman 1,500.
You know, when Josh Gad optioned my article, I thought I had a chance at real medical care.
But then that fell through, and now I need my increase before the holiday.
Ah, yes The Passover Bump.
SSRis are like my own chemical Moses, getting me through a family Seder.
- [tires screech.]
- Hey! Do you two outside janitors know where the Trump statue is? Yeah, sure, and we'd love to tell you.
What you're gonna wanna do is just [driving punk rock music.]
"I waited over an hour for my food" "but got no help from the elderly gay man with stubble" "or the unhinged blond" "with a lot to say about Area 51.
" Fucking transphobic Yelp reviewer! Look, now that there's a sound stage in the neighborhood, daytime TV producers want their food fast.
Oh, God forbid Wendy Williams or Maury's assistant - needs to wait for their eggs.
- I've come up with a plan.
It's called the Nine-Minute Lunch.
I think I got one of those in the bathroom of the Phoenix once.
- Ugh! - BOTH: Trash! Look, lunch will be on the table in nine minutes, or it's free.
Well, this is the worst day ever.
Why? Did Joel Grey's lawyer serve you with another restraining order? Leave that bisexual octogenarian alone.
Joke's on you: My parents are dead! - My God, are you okay? - What happened? Is that them in those urns? No, I'm not okay.
They were murdered at Dollywood, and these are just two-for-one vases I got on sale.
Even in my darkest hour, I can't pass up a bargain.
Honey, are you sure you wanna be at work today? Probably not.
I'm the emotional equivalent - of bareback.
- Oh, he gets the day off, but Transarella has to scrub the floor? I swear, if I have to hear one more cis person complain about their life, I'm gonna kill myself! Matthew, I know we're not friends or anything.
I know we don't even like each other.
But my parents died too, so if you ever need to Monologue? Thank you.
'Twas a Tuesday, so naturally Meemaw and Peepaw were down at Dollywood.
Well, there was one last funnel cake at the Lil' Loggers Landing ride, and my parents died in the shootout.
I-I'm sorry.
Do white people usually die like this? BOTH: Yes.
Tennessee is a mandatory carry state.
And now I have to go down there to identify the funnel cake! [sobbing.]
Does anybody have a gun I can borrow? Oh, hey, okay, come on.
Come on.
You'll always be my baby.
[baby cries.]
Oh, my real baby's crying.
[baby cries.]
- Hey! Oh, you okay.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Hey, fella.
- [continue comforting baby.]
- Like I said, I know we're not friends or anything, but - NATE: [cooing.]
Yeah - This sale did it include furniture? [Computer Magic's "Running" plays.]
FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Depression it follows you everywhere like a shadow.
Ridshadovan treats moderate-to-severe depression.
Call your doctor if you're experiencing suicidal thoughts that are dissimilar to the suicidal thoughts you usually experience day-to-day.
WOMAN: In the dark [phone vibrates.]
Hey, Mom, have you heard of Ridshadovan? Heard of them? They sent me a mouse pad and a pubic comb.
Now that I've had my house renovated, I want everything to look perfect.
Speaking of that, what are you wearing to the Seder? I have some notes about last year's outfit.
I'm an adult.
I don't dress for you.
You also don't dress for your complexion.
Okay, here's who's coming, and here's what not to talk to them about.
Uncle Tobey: The ACLU.
Cousin Harry: Women.
And as for that angel of death herself, Aunt Bonnie Oh, shit.
What is it this year? Her on-again cocaine addiction.
Ugh! Like we need that bitch to be even more of an asshole.
God, I hate that fuckin' bitch! Me too.
I like that we're getting along Moving on.
Here's what not to talk to me about.
Number one: Arthur.
- Number two: Arthur's drinking.
- MAN: Mohart? Yes.
That's me.
Just a 17-year-old college student.
See you girls at the quad later.
We can talk about vampire novels! Listen, here's why I'm here.
My serotonin is in the serotoilet, and I'm gonna need you to kick my meds up a notch.
- [clicks tongue.]
- Oh.
Let's see what you're currently taking.
Uh they still make that?! Yikes! Oh, yoy, yoy.
Skimming, skimming.
- Skimming.
- How 'bout Ridshadovan? Can we add a splash of that mixer to the cocktail? - What do you think? - Why not? They sent me a fanny pack and a whoopee cushion.
Sounds legit! [exhales.]
It's, uh, Kessler.
K-e-s-s-l-e-r.
Hello! [gasps.]
Oh, my God, she's dead.
She died right in front of me.
[softly.]
I just want the pad Fuckin' rigor mortis setting in already! Why does everything bad always happen to me? Have a nice day! [Computer Magic's "Running" plays.]
WOMAN: Can you find me In the dark? This is what's called a grab-bag call.
It's one audition that we can apply to hundreds of opportunities.
There's so much content now, individual auditions are just not practical.
Yeah.
Everyone who used to say, "I don't have a TV," are now saying, "There are too many shows!" [giggles.]
I-I'm sorry.
So I do this one audition, and then I'm eligible for what? Well, let's see what's on the menu today.
Oh, a recurring on a Seeso crime procedural.
- Seeso? - It's on the computer.
Uh, late-night warm-up comic.
Kevin James's brother.
Oh, sperm donor to my sister who's gonna be my surrogate once she pays her dog's ransom.
You kidnapped your sister's dog? I kidnapped my sister's dog.
I need her to be my surrogate.
You know how many kids she has? Three.
You know how many I have? Minus two.
So I'll be Charla, you be Dave, and, uh, let's just have fun with it.
"Dave, wow" "I thought you'd never come visit me in the hospital.
" I'm leaving you.
[screaming.]
FUCK YOU! Hi.
Welcome to the Quiznos Clinic.
- Sandwiches or health care? - Oh, I'm getting a sandwich.
She's seeing the psychopharmacologist.
Yeah.
I have enough Toasty Points - to see a doctor for free.
- Great.
He's just finishing up with a patient.
White or wheat? White, please, 8-inch, turkey ranch, and Swiss.
Thanks.
- Sounds good.
- God, I can't get over how weird it is that the best health care in New York City is at a Quiznos.
Well ever since Trump replaced the Department of Health with Jenny McCarthy's blog, nothing makes sense.
Doctors have to do whatever they can to earn a living.
Um, the doctor's ready for you now.
- Thanks.
- Have fun! - Hi.
- Julia Kessler? Uh looking at your blood test results, I assume you're here to wean yourself off the toxic levels of psychotropic meds in your body? Wait what? No, no, no, no, no.
I'm here for more antidepressants.
You see, Passover is coming, like winter on "Game of Thrones," I assume, and I need more drugs so I can survive my family during the holidays.
If I give you more antidepressants, you'll die.
Your blood is technically a foam.
So I-I'm sorry.
What are you saying? You're not gonna give me any more drugs? No.
Fuck you! [phone buzzes.]
[as Madea.]
Heller? Good afternoont! Billy Epstein? Congratulations.
- You booked a role! - Oh, my God! Which one? First I need to read you the roles you did not get, starting alphabetically.
AMA Awards Red Carpet Host, Annette Bening's butt double Can you just tell me which one I got? Interesting way of gathering information, but okay, I'll bite.
Larry Wilmore has a new late-night talk show, and you're the warm-up comic for his studio audience! Okay! [Laughs.]
All right, amazing! Um but I-I'm sorry.
Can you tell me, did Annette Bening's butt double people have any notes for next time? Extended Release, how was the doctor? Horrible.
I maxed out on antidepressants.
- But it's Passover.
- Yeah, I know.
How am I supposed to get through Seder without my little helper? How'd you know I was going out of town? No, no, no, I meant little helper, like slang for drugs.
Like black beauties or Imagine Dragons.
Or bennies.
Bennies burritos.
Dexies.
Dexys Midnight Runners.
Uppers, downers, East Enders, skins, Winonas, Puerto Rican French fries, Liza with a Zs, ludes, Crude ludes with attitudes You're going out of town? - I just found out.
- Jesus Christ, Arthur! I haven't had to sit through a family Seder by myself since I was a witch in college.
You know I depend on my mother's hatred of you to pull focus off my own wrongdoings.
And I love being your human shield, but due to budget cuts, PBS had to relocate all our productions.
Please tell me you're not going to L.
A.
I wish! Louisiana was too expensive.
No, from here on in, we're shooting everything at Burt Reynolds' old dinner theater in Jupiter, Florida.
Oh, Jesus, Arthur! Why is this happening? I'll be back before you know it, and Billy will be at the Seder.
[phone buzzes.]
- Hey.
- Good news, bad news.
I'm warming up for Larry Wilmore, and I can't come to Seder.
Oh, fuck! Wait, which is which? Thanks for volunteering here at the Children's Hospital.
Well, it was mandatory, part of our community service requirement.
But it's nice to finally have a pair of shoes that fits me.
You're gonna brighten up some lives! These kids are at an age where they don't know yet to be scared of clowns.
I want a clown name, you know, just a big, goofy, harmless clown, someone who doesn't upset anybody, totally unmemorable, no edge.
Hey, kid, I'm Go-Go! - And I'm Mario Lopez.
- [lisping.]
And we're here to make your last hours on Earth a little sillier! [toot toot.]
So do you have any jokes? Maybe we can read you some of our tweets.
- Oh, that's a good idea.
- 'Cause we've written those already Those are already out there.
Yeah, exactly.
You can't steal them.
- Uh no.
- Too obscure.
Oh, here's one.
You know Elmo, right? Here's one about the guy who played Elmo.
Oh, no, no.
Maybe no tweets.
Hey, kid, um how long did the doctor give you to live? I have a broken leg.
From the cancer? No.
I went on a ski trip.
You're not dying? And you're rich? Well, fuck this! - Ooh, chocolates.
- Hey, that's mine.
Yeah.
Come over and stop me.
Are you clowns gonna do anything? I'll sign your fucking cast.
You know what we can do to fill the time? - Hmm? - We can brainstorm some ways for you not to jump off the ledge during Seder.
Okay.
Non-pharmaceutical ways of dealing with stress.
My mom goes to our Sausalito house sometimes to meditate with Oprah.
- Oh, shut up, Baby Warbucks.
- Wait a minute.
Meditation, though? That's just napping, right? I can do that! You need to get yourself one of those meditation apps.
That way, you can be one of those people who feels superior to other people - because you meditate.
- Yes, brilliant.
I'll try it.
Okay.
Great news, kid I left you the creams and jellies in this chocolate assortment.
Bad news I'm taking the rest of it.
Look! Mario Lopez signed your cast.
[upbeat music.]
No.
No.
17.
99? Really? You still owe me 10 bucks for "Inland Empire.
" No.
Ooh! Hey, it's me, Danny Aiello.
- Are you ready to meditate? - Yeah! What a coincidence.
So the hell am I.
Okay, pally, do me a favor and get yourself in a comfortable position and take some deep breaths.
[breathing deeply.]
DANNY: There you go.
[soft music.]
DANNY: And now, we are back.
How do you feel? Pretty relaxed, huh? Atta girl! Now you're all meditated, with me, Danny Aiello.
Bye! Happy Passover, Mom.
Julie, why are you late? You know, it's funny.
I've been losing track of time since I started meditating.
And I've been losing money too.
Is that how that works? - As a mental health profession - Okay, enough! Your father is stuck on the BQE with a fruit platter.
I told him to put Waze on the phone.
He says, "No.
It takes up too much memory.
" What's he doing on his phone, making documentaries? [door closes.]
BOTH: Oh, fuck.
Hi, Aunt Bonnie! Hi, Julie.
Marilyn.
Hello, Bonnie.
You're looking very well.
It's natural to expect a little weight gain, considering all the damage the cocaine's done to your metabolism.
Oh, don't worry.
I'll work it off with sex.
- You remember sex, Marilyn.
- Yes, I do, Bonnie.
You never forget your little sister's first paying job.
Oh, you dirty bitch.
Hey, come on, Lola, I got two potato chip sandwiches up for table three.
I know Billy's at his stupid new job, but where the fuck is Matthew? Matthew.
You are two hours late! And you look like Sal Mineo went to a Hot Topic right before he was murdered.
Uh, so? I don't got parents no more.
So I don't gotta do nothin' nobody says.
I had candy for breakfast this morning.
I don't even give a care! Is this about you losing your parents? That happened on Tuesday.
You're milking this like it had titties! And, yeah, as a transwoman, I can engage in provocative biological discourse.
This is insane! Nine-Minute Lunch, my ass! Like, where is my cold cut and grape salad? All right, all right.
Matthew.
Mattman.
Mattman, we know you're upset, but we need you to help out.
Do you think you could wait some tables? You're not my father! Oh, my God.
What are we supposed to do about our out-of-control teen? MAN: Excuse me.
I've waited more than ten minutes for my carrot wrapped in salami, so I guess that means I get a free meal.
Hey, Facebook Live, it's Billy.
I am coming to you from the set of my new Oh, 'scuse me My new comedy job.
I am doing comedy for one of the funniest Larrys of all time.
Not David.
Not Sanders.
Not even Miller.
But Wilmore! Wilmore! Larry Wilmore! - Yes, I am.
- Oh, my God, Larry, hey.
I'm Billy.
I'm the new warm-up comic.
I was a huge fan of "The Nightly Show," I really was.
Yeah, well, this is a little different.
I'm doing everything the network tells me to do for those high ratings.
I just want to stay on the air.
Let me tell you what America loves on TV.
Party games with celebrities, and interviews with precocious little kids by black men over 40.
You're right.
Steve Harvey.
Bill Cosby.
- Bill Cosby? - When it comes to doing "the darndest things" You think drugging women and having sex with them while they're asleep is a "darndest thing"? - It's not not the darndest.
- No.
No, it's not.
Why don't we leave Larry alone for a sec.
- Sure, yeah.
- Okay.
Oh, my God, I can't believe this.
Two days ago, I was serving mozzarella sticks, and now I am rifting with Larry Wilmore! This is crazy! I have a question, by the way.
Do I do my stand-up right at the top? Because I have a tight 15 minutes about a loose Kevin Spacey.
Hey, don't worry about your "stand-up.
" Your job is to psych up those people.
Come over here, clown.
Look at this.
See this? This is a CD.
This is for the booty-shaking contest.
This is a cannon that shoots out T-shirts.
- Okay.
- These are the T-shirts.
- Guess where they go? - In the cannon.
In the cannon.
What is this right here? These are snacks for those animals up there.
And these are the two most important things.
This is the prank call templates, and these are the clapter suggestions.
I'm sorry "clapter"? Clapter.
That's when one of your jokes doesn't work, you don't get a laugh, you say something very obvious that everyone understands is correct.
That way, at least you get applause.
Oh.
So basically the show bible for "Real Time With Bill Maher.
" Don't riff! Welcome to Seder, everybody.
Happy Passover! ALL: Happy Passover.
- Happy Passover.
- ARTHUR: Hello, Marilyn.
So glad I could be here from the other promised land Jupiter, Florida.
[booming explosion.]
- What was that? - [gunfire.]
Since I landed in Florida, there's been a steady stream of gunfire and explosions.
Judi viewers Bush! Is he really doing that, or am I just detoxing? - Both.
That'll do, pig.
- ARTHUR: Hello! Can you hear [voice muted.]
Can we please start the Seder? The sooner we start, the sooner we get to eat.
Oh, Julie, please, just eat.
I mean, who could blame you for stuffing your face when you got a mess of a mother like that? Don't you tell me why my daughter overeats.
I'll tell you why my daughter overeats.
- Impulse control.
- Impulse control? - That's right.
- I call it neglect! Everything about her is screaming, "Look at me!" - "Look at me!" - My parenting has absolutely nothing to do with her desperate need of attention! - Denial.
- What do you know about kids The only kids you know are the ones you've blown! Seacrest out.
What's going on with Mattman? Well, Maury, Matthew used to be the sweetest boy.
But, you know, this last one day has just been a nightmare.
- ALL: Aw! - Well, maybe we can end this nightmare right now.
Mattman, come on out! - [crowd booing.]
- You don't know me! You don't know me! I do what I want.
You can't handle all this! - MAURY: Sit down, sit down.
- MAN: Shut up! Mattman, you think it's neat to be rude? - It's not neat.
- I think it's neat as fuck.
I don't got parents no more, so I decide what the fuck to do, what the fuck I want.
- [all booing.]
- Oh boo! Denise, you wanna tell him something? Matthew yes there's an addition to our family.
There's a new ingénue, but you will always be my Broadway baby.
CROWD: Aw! You gotta think about the 1989 revival of "Gypsy.
" Yes, Linda Lavin was a great replacement, but Tyne Daley is on the cast album, right? Thank you for putting it in my terms.
- I'm gonna kill that baby.
- Wait What? Uh okay, party people.
How 'bout a prank phone call? It's just gonna go to voice mail.
No one picks up their phone anymore.
[crowd boos.]
- What's up with the crowd, man? - They're acting like I didn't just play beer pong with Joan Didion.
That segment was terrific.
And just so you know, the medic on the set, she said that she can absolutely reattach that finger.
Yeah, all right, whatever.
But I think we made a big mistake with this warm-up guy.
[under breath.]
Oh, fuck.
God, they hate me.
Uh all right, time for some clapter.
Uh Okay, guys, so, um, you know, Osama Bin Laden is still dead.
[applause.]
And, uh, let me just ask you.
How many of you here hate AIDS? [applause.]
And now the easiest clapter of all give it up for Larry Wilmore! [cheers and applause.]
You know, it's great that Larry has a new show, because nobody watched his old show.
[laughter.]
Oh ha ha.
Maybe I should riff.
Right? I mean, Larry always kept it 100.
Unfortunately, he kept it at 100 viewers.
[laughter, applause.]
[softly.]
You used my own words to slam me? He's using my words to slam me.
Uh, Hey, Larry, will more people watch your new show? [laughter, applause.]
I'm gonna fucking kill that guy.
Relax.
Remember what Danny Aiello taught you? - Yes.
Breathe.
- All right.
This next segment is bulletproof.
You talk to a kid.
It's very easy.
- I got it, I got it.
- You got it? All right, we're back in three, two [show theme plays.]
Hey, all right.
This next totally original segment is called Little Kids Say Dumb Things to Big shot Larry.
So everybody please help me welcome Mikey Blazina! Hey, how's it going? Oh, fuck.
Hey, Mario Lopez! Check it out, audience.
He's already saying some dumb shit.
That clown wrote on my leg cast that I was gay, so the kids at school beat me up, and now I have this arm cast! Who, the "not funny T-shirt giving out motherfucker" - over there? - And he ruined "Bazinga in the Park with George"! - AUDIENCE: OH! - He what? Tell the set medic to leave the premises with Joan Didion's frozen finger.
I want this piece of shit to bleed to death while I punch his teeth out.
[crowd commotion.]
- [Billy moaning.]
- [applause.]
BILLY: Ohh! MAN: Whoo-hoo-hoo! You want a T-shirt? Beg, motherfucker! [mellow music.]
DANNY: Okay, pally, do me a solid.
Ask yourself what are you afraid of? - My mother.
- DANNY: What's in the way - of your happiness? - My mother.
DANNY: Well, I got news for you, friendo.
You gotta become the thing that's getting in your way.
But I'm afraid of becoming my mother.
DANNY: It's time to swim through the pain.
Now, I don't know how to swim.
Marty Scorsese said that's why he never cast me in any of his movies.
But I know he was lying.
[shouting.]
What does he fuckin' make, Esther Williams movies? Now that you're good and relaxed, write down my routing number.
- Hey.
- Bonnie? What the hell! I saw you duck in here, all stressed out.
Now, come on.
Give your Aunt Bonnie a nice, fat line of that tasty kosher for Passover booger sugar.
What the hell is wrong with you? You can't get through one meal without drugs? Your mother drove me to it.
I get it.
I completely relate.
But you know what? Maybe it's time for us to become the thing that's getting in our way.
We already opened the door for Elijah.
- Where were you, Julie? - Oh, just upstairs, helping out, being the selfless daughter I always am.
By the way, dear, I had some notes about the blouse you chose to wear tonight.
I'm concerned it's not the most flattering to your bra fat area.
I'm an adult.
I don't dress for you.
What's that? I couldn't hear you over all the makeup.
Lorna, would you pass whatever food is in front of you? Please be careful.
Small bites.
Try to exercise some impulse control.
I'm sorry.
God, I'm the worst.
What are you two, "Freaky Fridaying"? You know I once made Barbara Harris watch while I blew her husband.
And on that note, so ends another Passover.
Oh, by the way, your friend in the computer needs help.
- [no sound.]
- JULIE: Wait a minute.
It's over? I survived the Seder? Mom, Danny Aiello was my Passover Bump! - [gasps.]
- Aah! She's found me! My depression has found me! - Who the hell are you? - You can see her too? Damn it, Flipper, I told you to text me when you were around the corner.
Bonnie, is that your drug dealer that you invited here? No.
She happens to be my tennis instructor.
Bullshit! I've seen you at my old college campus downtown.
Probably.
I sell a lot of drugs to students.
You want my pager number? Get the fuck outta here.
Go! Go! - BONNIE: Come on.
- BOTH: Trash.
I'm sorry the holidays have to be so difficult.
Me too.
But we can agree on one thing, though.
Aunt Bonnie is a total waste of space.
A true human dumpster.
JULIE: Wanna finish those macaroons? - MARILYN: I sure do.
- One more thing.
If a couple of guys show up asking for me Javier and his cousin Carlos, both about 19 tell them to meet me at the Days Inn near JFK and bring the poppers but forget the rubbers.
Happy Passover.
Never brag on social media about a job you haven't started yet.
What are our fake friends saying online? "Hey, asshole, I hear your new job's a hit.
" "In the face.
From Larry Wilmore.
" How 'bout you? You're gonna continue meditating? No, I don't think so.
I mean, yes, it really helped.
But then I was going through my bank statement, and I realized I was hypnotized into sending Danny Aiello nearly $700.
Ugh! God, our lives suck.
At least after this, our community service is over.
In the middle of fuckin' nowhere.
"Big Fuckin' Bang!" - Hey! - Hey! - [car horns honk.]
- BOTH: Hey! - Fuck you! - Fuck you, - "Big Bang" piece of shit! - I got news for you.
Bazinga ruined Bazinga! SINGERS: Oh Thought it'd be easy Thought they didn't know You thought it was the only way to go Another way out Found on the way home Thought you were living fast But you were living slow