Divorce (2016) s03e01 Episode Script

1 I'm officially divorced.
Now what? You know, it's like one minute you're married, the next minute, it's like, "Yeah, buh-bye.
See ya.
Nice knowin' ya.
" I'm the bad guy.
He's the noble one.
I got sole custody of Lila's inner bitch.
You're not going to work like that, are you? Frances, I would like you to meet Andrew.
I spent so much time focusing on the divorce, I didn't even let myself think about the future.
This is for you, unless it turns out to have any value, then I'd like it back.
I keep painting them, and every day, I keep realizing they're shit.
Finish a painting.
For both of us.
I'm Jackie.
My daughter and I are moving into the neighborhood.
How do you have a Tesla? It's my friend woman's.
You mean "girlfriend"? Thank you for the invite.
It was very big of you.
If he's happy, I'm happy.
I probably should be thanking you.
- For what? - For divorcing him.
If you could paint a few more, we have a show.
That prick from the auction, he's here.
Can I take you out for dinner sometime? I would feel impolite accepting when I'm here with someone else.
It's too soon for me to be getting involved.
Yeah, I think my exact words were, "You were a walking disaster.
" And my instincts were right.
Skip Zakarian wants to rep me.
This means that we won't be working together.
Thanks for everything.
I'm done here.
Robert and Jackie wanna take the kids to Europe this summer.
You know what would be fun to do in Italy? - Buy leather.
- Get married.
Will you marry me? Hello, hello, hello.
The police are here.
You embezzled 12 million dollars from your client? Diane, I love you, Diane! Oh, my god.
Jackie and I are getting married.
Hey, it's me.
So yeah, so take the kids to Italy.
Have fun.
Tom, hurry up! - Tom! - Yeah, one sec! Move! There's water everywhere! Tom! Tom, the shower curtain, okay? Oh, God! Oh, goddammit! It's about to sound worse than it is.
What? I knew it was going too well.
Is everything okay? Everything is fine, but you have placenta previa.
Don't know what that means.
Don't like it.
Your placenta's a little low.
Still don't know what that means.
Still don't like it.
Jack, the baby will be fine, but you're gonna have to be on bed rest.
Oh.
Okay.
Oh, good, I thought you were gonna freak out on me.
No, of course not.
I mean whatever's best for the baby.
And you don't mean like actual bed rest, right? Just like no kickboxing classes? Bed rest as in your ass doesn't leave the mattress.
How long does that go on? Until I say it's okay.
Oh.
Okay, so Wait, like I can't go to work? - No.
- Drive? - No.
- Sex? She asked, but, you know, I'm mildly curious.
Don't even think about it.
We're supposed to get married next week.
Should I be scared? Of the pregnancy? No.
Of marriage? All three of mine were train wrecks.
See you in two weeks.
Oh, hi, honey.
It's your mom.
Um, 'cause that's what moms do, they call.
And when they don't hear back, they call again, so Kidding! Um Call me! I love you! Bye-bye.
I, um Made you a quinoa jar for later.
Aw, that's so sweet, but I'm gonna try to get those bitches from accessories to invite me out.
I'm still trying to make some friends.
It's a rough schoolyard.
Oh.
Okay.
Thought you liked my jars.
Oh, my God, Dallas.
I do.
I love your quinoa jars and your pasta pesto salad jars and everything you put in jars.
But you've gotta get off my back, okay? This is gonna be a really difficult week for me! So please be sensitive! Well, that is why I felt you needed nurturing! You're not my mother, and you're never going to be my mother! And we have to leave in ten! Wear your heavy socks! Childish! So I so I knock it off the ceiling with a broom Ewww! It runs across the floor like a thoroughbred, so I corner it, right, but then I accidentally drop the broom.
And sensing my-my-my weakness, my vulnerability, the little fucker started chasing me! - Ugh! - Yeah, and then Then it started flying! I could literally hear its disgusting wings, like, flapping past me.
Oh, my God! It's Jurassic Park! God, Lila's screaming, Tom's laughing at me, but I finally, I was able to suck it up with my DustBuster.
And then cleverly, I sealed the opening with packing tape.
I told you not to move into that place.
Uh, ooh, no, I believe the quote was, "You go, girl!" Hmm, I don't remember that.
Well, anyway, it doesn't matter.
The move was good.
Everybody needed a change.
I just I simply forgot about bugs in New York City.
Ugh, well I hope that Henry kills them for you when he's around.
- Like a trained assassin.
- Oh, that's a good boyfriend.
Well, I don't What? We're not, you know We're not really playing it like that.
Oh, so how exactly are you "playing it"? I don't know.
We haven't gotten into it.
And, anyway, who cares? Oh, please, obviously you don't mean that.
No, I mean that.
Hey, I have some very exciting news! - Good! What? - Well You're getting a new roommate! - What? - Yeah! I'm gonna be staying with you on the nights the kids are with Robert! Wait, so you're gonna you wanna you wanna live with me on the nights that I have the whole apartment to myself? She crushes up vitamins and puts them in my cereal, Frances! It's calcium.
And someday you're gonna take a fall and get right up, and you're gonna have me to thank for it.
You won't even know that I'm there.
I promise.
So It's like Dallas and I are sharing joint custody of you? - Yes, exactly! - Okay - That's exactly what it is.
- That's terrific.
And you know what? I could make up a calendar.
Please don't make a calendar.
Okay.
Frances, I'm gonna see Nick tomorrow - in prison.
- Fine.
Yay! Oh, thank you, Frances! Thank you, thank you, thank you! - You won't regret it.
- You're welcome.
Wow.
Things really haven't turned out the way they were supposed to, have they? - Fucking no.
- It's all shit.
Well, no one can ever tell you you didn't try.
No.
I really did.
I put up a good fight, but in the end, I lost the Battle of Hastings.
First off, I am so, so sorry.
I can really tell how much love you've put into this place.
Thanks.
Electrical? Yeah, unfortunate combination of bad wiring and an artist that worked in neon.
Oh, yeah, neon.
Anyway, um Do you think that maybe you can give me even just like a hint of what I might expect? They would kill me for giving you an estimate, but the most they would probably give you is $2,000 to $3,000.
I am so sorry.
Jeez, I made like five times that amount on my last show alone.
I know, it's awful.
But the paintings that were here during the fire, they had no proven value.
What? Of course they did.
What ? I mean, people were going to buy them.
They all they all had stickers.
Well, in my line of work, I've found that people can use this as an opportunity to make a big change.
This was my change.
This was all I wanted my entire life.
Well, I'm sure you've been looking, right? A lot, yeah.
It just seems no one's hiring me.
Okay.
All right, here's some necessary bed rations.
Thank you.
I'm gonna run some errands.
I'm gonna swing by a couple of job sites.
Are you sure you're gonna be okay on the Dick Cheney torture bed? Oh, please.
It'll take a lot more than a metal bar up my ass - to get me to talk.
- Good stuff.
But don't try to take a nap, because sleeper sofas are not for sleeping.
Do not worry.
I have everything I need.
I've got my computer, my phone, remote, snacks tweezer, mirror.
I'm going to crush it on bed rest.
Mwah! And I'm gonna kick this to-do list in the dick.
I'm gonna beat on it like a fly-swatter.
Here, let me help you out with that.
Thank you.
Ah, come here, buddy.
Huh.
What do you think? Father? Grandfather? There's no wrong answer here.
Hello, I'm Frances Everdell.
Is Skip here? Can I ask what this is in regards to? Sure, I'm-I'm looking for a job.
Like, right off the street? Yep, right off the street.
How does that even work? Uh, well, you just I'm sorry.
I'm Jendra.
I know who you are.
- You do? - We all do.
Skip stole Sylvia from you.
You called him an asshole.
Oh, shit, sorry.
No one calls Skip an asshole.
Hi.
Yeah.
Are you really looking for a job? Yeah.
Yeah, 'cause, um my 'cause my previous one, I just felt like I outgrew it.
- And you decided to come here? - You've got such fucking nerve! Stop, stop.
Anyway Yeah, so I'm, you know, I have a bunch of offers.
I have tons of offers.
I just Nothing's, you know nothing has felt right thus far, so Skip does love seeing people grovel.
Oh.
Shocking.
But he's in Auckland right now.
Great, so maybe when he gets back, could you just you could ask him? I'm sorry.
He'd probably fire me just for asking.
Actually, the idea of it is already stressing me out.
Right.
'Cause he's an asshole.
Okay.
Thank you.
Carlos? Hey, buddy, I need you to cover for me today.
Uh, go by the Alberts', get that bathroom demo going.
And then swing over to the Mission Avenue site and tear out the rest of that drywall.
Eight grand? It's a 30 square-foot bathroom! You know what? Fuck it.
I'm gonna go get a mask.
I'll tear that shit out myself.
Well, I would, but I have to go buy Birthday Cake Popcorn? Yeah.
I know.
All right.
Later.
I got the rest of the store in my truck.
Um, how'd it go? Any problems? I learned how to save someone's life if they've been bitten by a black mamba.
Well, I held a toddler and looked like a fucking mummy.
Oh, oh, come here.
Come here.
We talked about this.
I am sexy second wife, and you are hot older dad.
Thank you.
I'm crazy about you, and I'm over the moon about the baby.
Just not looking forward to, "Hey, Grandpa, take it easy in the sandbox.
" Maybe it's time to rethink things, steer the old ship of dreams back to port.
I'm sorry, I mean, you just hit a rough patch.
- It'll get better.
- No, no, no.
I'm sorry, I need a steely-eyed professional.
This is a very urgent fork in the road.
Okay, would you like me to take notes? Yes, please, if you feel it's appropriate.
Okay, so What brings you in here in the middle of the day? I have been working under the assumption that I should try and find a job doing something, you know, I actually like.
But after months of looking, it seems that idea has come to a dead-end, so I think I I think I just need to get a job.
You know, any job.
How would that make you feel? I'm a big girl.
I can do it.
I just wish my future looked a little brighter, that's all.
Mm-hmm, and you have, uh, one more interview left today, right? - An art thing? - Yep, an art thing.
Okay, so you do your best, and if it goes really badly I can always go back to sweeping chimneys.
See? Things are looking up already! You had a breakthrough! And your timing's perfect, because I have a real patient in five minutes.
You're a miracle worker.
I mean, no wonder you're booked solid.
Ah, I've always wanted to have a breakthrough.
- Thank you.
- All right, knock 'em dead.
I'm Leo.
Hello, I'm Frances Everdell.
This is my sister, Bev.
Hello, Bev.
She's shy.
Welcome to the New York Avian Society.
Thank you.
I'm sorry I'm not as familiar with your organization as I'd like to be.
Your website was just a cartoon bird with a jackhammer that said, "Under construction.
" Yes, we have to get on that.
But I'm assuming that you do art projects related to birds because of "Avian Society," which, for a minute, I thought was bees.
But that's "apian.
" I looked that up.
Right, so first thing, small correction.
Someone posted this job in the wrong category! We have nothing to do with art.
Oh.
- Nothing? - Unless you count the little boxes I draw on my legal pad every day.
So what does your society do? We're dedicated to the appreciation and protection of the birds of New York City.
Urban birds.
It was founded by our Great Aunt Leonard.
You know, Red Tailed Hawks, House Sparrows Laughing Gulls, Rock Pigeons, Eastern Bluebirds Jesus, Bev, she gets it! It's a fairly simple concept! My God, what a coincidence.
What? I'm a I'm I'm a bird aficionado.
- Really? - Yes! Yes! No, I am bananas about birds! Um parakeets and seagulls and, um I'm the one that's always nice to pigeons.
And And who wouldn't be mesmerized by the by the majesty of the Eastern Blackbird.
- Bluebird.
- Bluebird! Bluebird, Bluebird.
No, no, I would be proud, I would be honored to help New Yorkers understand and and and protect our urban birds.
Interesting.
And, Bev, um, as a former headhunter, I know how difficult it is to fill those, those key positions.
And, Leo, as someone that ran her own business, I can help take some of that burden off your shoulders.
Oh, we'll, uh we'll be in touch.
Yes, Lady Raiders! That's what I'm talking about! Nice job, ladies! - Good job, ladies.
- Nice job! Good job.
You never think you'd see this, right? Huh? Can't complain.
11-0 record! Yeah, except for the part where you turned 12 sweet kids into sociopaths.
But who doesn't like to win? Sorry, Uncle Jer.
I know, pick and roll! - I'm a fucking idiot! - Yes, you are an idiot.
Just keep your eye on the ball and off of nose ring over there.
Hey, Bobby Knight, before you start throwing chairs, you might wanna remember these are high school girls.
They're kind of dangling off the edge as it is.
Sorry, Robert.
You're absolutely right.
Keep reminding me.
I appreciate it.
- Lila! - Hey.
Great game, you killed it.
Great game.
And you stayed golden in here.
Good job.
All right, girls, let's bring it in.
Listen up.
Winning, totally cool.
Increases the dopamine in the brain and what not, but let's try to remember this is a game.
Have fun.
You can chuckle now and then.
Maybe even crack a smile.
What do you think? All right, just keep it in mind.
- Who wants to take us out? - I do.
All right, what do you got? Jason Campbell's an asshole.
"Asshole" on three? No.
Maybe "teamwork"? Fine.
Okay.
One, two, three - Teamwork! - Yeah.
So what do you say? Grab some dinner? Next stop, sub-regionals! I can't.
Ouch.
Don't even rate a good lie? Well my fiancée is pregnant, and there's a lot going on.
Whoa-ho! Fantastic! Congratulations, man, yeah! Well, I haven't told my kids yet.
Or my ex.
And Lila's standing right there, so - Keep it on the down-low.
- Got it, got it.
Won't say a word.
You know, this time of secrets and avoidance has been a happy one, but all good things must come to an end.
- Diane.
- Sign it.
- - Diane, I've missed you so Don't "Diane" me, sign it.
Look, I just don't think we should do anything rash.
Just so you know every hour of every single day, I have imagined taking one of your golf clubs and bashing your fucking brains in! Diane, don't give them any ideas.
Listen to me.
Sit down, sit down.
I'm a changed man, really.
Please don't tell me you found God.
Fuck no, but I found humility.
Give me a break.
You're in a jumpsuit! You sleep on a cot, Nick! I'm not impressed, okay? Look, I even made you some presents.
- What is this? - Animal figurines.
I made them from toilet paper and eyeliner.
This is how you're trying to win me back? No, no, not just that.
I also made-made these.
I-I-I painted these with, uh with rouge and, and lipstick.
Diane! Diane, those took me months to make! Do you understand that you destroyed me, Nick? Can you get that through your fat skull? You destroyed me! And painted toilet paper is not gonna win me back.
I also got you a pouch of tuna.
Sign it, sign it, sign it, sigh it! We're not allowed pens.
A few bad apples.
Alvarez.
Do not fuck with me.
I want you to get me a goddamn pen right now.
Right now.
Get it, get it, get it! Give him the goddamn pen.
Sign it, Nick.
- Honey, I-I know we've been fighting - Mom but I thought that this would be a good time for us to reconnect.
So when you get home, we can go straight to Shake Shack, right? - Put it in your iCal.
- Mom, I'm not coming.
But I already I already bought you a ticket.
I never said I was coming home.
Of course you're coming home.
You're not an orphan.
I don't want to come home.
And I don't want to worry every time I make a decision that it's gonna hurt your feelings.
Well, of course it's gonna hurt my feelings, and I don't think there's anything wrong with you being empathetic to that.
Mom, I have been avoiding it, because hating your mother is such a cliché, but I can't do this.
Cole! Oh! You okay? How's the vacation? Like Maui with bed sores.
I'm starting to lose my mind.
Pirate Booty! Ah.
I know who this is.
- Uh, Robert DuFresne? - Yeah.
Not a moment too soon.
- Guess what you won today.
- What? - A new bed! - What? I got a new bed.
This way, fellas.
- Oh, hi.
- Hi.
Um, the calendar for the month.
You said you needed to sit down with it to see if it makes sense.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah! - It's okay? Yeah, yeah, it looks, uh Yeah, it looks, uh Pretty good.
How's the How's the job hunting going? It sucks.
I can't even get the jobs I don't want.
Yeah.
Yeah, and then we'll get the mattress in.
Yeah, I'm gonna need a hand with that.
What's what's going on, Robert? Yeah, I wasn't gonna say anything until we were a little farther Jackie's pregnant.
Yeah.
I I I-I didn't I didn't know that you It wasn't planned.
It just happened.
- Excuse me.
- Oh.
Yeah, just toss it in the back.
- I got it.
- Oh wow.
All over again.
Yeah.
Feels a lot more real now that you know about it.
Gosh.
It's so great.
Thanks.
It's, um It's brave.
Gotta dive right in, I guess.
Yeah.
Do the kids know? No.
No, no, no, no.
I would never tell them before I told you.
Plus, there's been some complications, but it's it'll be fine.
Really? Like Like what? Just this rogue placenta situation.
- She's on bed rest.
- Oh, wow, yeah.
I'm sorry.
That's very scary.
Mmm.
So it's official.
- Yeah, looks good.
- All right.
I'm not changing it.
Give her my best.
Definitely.
Thank you.
Ma'am, look out! I'm fine, I'm fine.
Okay.
Goddammit.
- This is always good.
- Hmm.
Oh, my God.
I got a job.
There you go.
Doing what? Helping birds.
That's good, right? I have no idea.