Eastbound & Down s03e01 Episode Script

*** *** *** - Kenny Powers? - You ot the wrong man there.
My name is Steve.
What are you doing? You're interrupting our practice.
Well, I have a confession to make.
My name is not Steve.
I'm not a cock fighter, I'm a ball player.
*** *** What's going on with April? She got back together with Cutler.
*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** Hello, pop.
*** *** *** *** *** *** April and Cutler are not married.
April? Oh, you're pregnant.
I've something to tell you too.
I'm sorry.
Baby's yours.
What's cracking y'all? Your base tans are looking nice.
I'm hoping to get there myself this season.
Mahalo, you fucking surfers.
You goddamn nerds.
I'm just kidding.
We're all part of the tribe.
How are the breaks looking? You got some lefts, some rights? Spring rims? A-frames? It's dead, you sponger.
Hell yeah, I'm a sponger.
I'll fucking sponge this whole entire ocean up with my big old dick.
Damn it.
Back on it.
Whoo, look at this one.
Looks like KP's about to titty fuck this wave.
Adios.
God damn it.
What the hell was that all about? Man, you snaked my wave.
Sorry about that, mister.
I didn't mean to cut you off.
Oh, you didn't mean to snake me? How about this, huh? I didn't mean to do this.
You fucking watch what happens if you're not a local.
Locals only, you fucking grommet.
Stay off my beach! Ron Stark leaves Kenny Powers an absolute mess here.
Big Kenny takes the mound trying to save the game with the bases loaded, a full count, and Guy Nelson at the plate.
It's an absolute pressure cooker situation for la flama blanca.
Come on, Kenny P.
Go, Kenny.
Let's go Kenny.
Come on, Kenny.
Out! And that's the game, folks.
Kenny Powers once again racks up another save for the Mermen in his amazing run here in Myrtle Beach.
Oh, yeah.
Look at y'all jumping around like a bunch of child molesters in Chuck E.
Cheese.
Damn, you throw your shit out? N-word, please.
Sometimes these shoulders get tired from carrying the weight of this whole goddamn team.
Why don't you hit me with your lotion, Darnell? My skin gets ashy too.
White people don't get ashy.
Stop being so racist, man.
I'm sick of those comments, dawg.
Skin is skin.
Just ask Jack.
Fucking wish you'd say my name right, Kenny.
My name is Jacques.
Okay? It's a soft J.
You want people to say your name gay, why don't you go to France? Boo-yah, Shane.
You always enter situations in a big way, man.
You know it.
You burn that fucking monkey.
Not you, Darnell.
Shane and Powers, dream team in the motherfucking house, huh? Yeah, Darnell, you don't have a friend you can do this with.
I'm talking about, right? Like our fingers were dicks.
And these things were pussies.
All these dudes jealous they don't have sense of humors like we do.
Hey, good moves out there today.
Hey.
Good moves yourself.
Are you kidding me? You pitch, I catch, brother.
I bet you do.
Yeah, right.
You wish, Darnell.
Gay jokes are faux pas, player.
You got to update your material.
That's right.
You so black Go on.
Finish it.
I mean, that's a fucked up situation, being all black.
What you got? It's got to be It's got to be not fun.
Except for the like, the dancing and the big dick rumors and like, being good at sports and like all that other, uh, positive shit.
The rest of it fucking sucks.
Yeah.
Finish strong.
Hell yeah.
These little bitches just jealous because your ass going straight to the top.
That's what's happening, Kenny.
Paparaz, motherfucker.
I heard Texas had a full bullpen.
Hey.
Put a dick in your mouth and shut up.
Don't be a little contrary cunt just because me and Shane Dawg, two young bloods, are running this town, owning this team, and chasing down our goddamn dreams.
Look at that.
What's the matter? You can't hear the words I'm saying? Listen to my cock.
All right, dude.
That's right.
Boom.
Knuckle ball.
Pow.
Boom boom.
Top Gun, bitch.
That's what that was.
You just entered the fucking danger zone.
What do you say we go celebrate this victory in the comfort of our beautiful hot ladies? No diggity no doubt.
Who going to drive? How about we both drive? I love that shit.
God damn.
Look at us, huh? That's right.
T-minus five seconds from getting jerked and worked by two smoking fucking hotties.
Whoo.
Never saw myself as a one woman kind of guy.
Mmm-hmm.
But I guess that's what true love will do to a man.
It'll do it to you.
Oh.
Look away.
Let's pretend like they don't We don't see them.
Oh, there you are.
Hey, lookie here.
Whoo.
There we go.
Hitting it, huh? Right? Let's go.
Come on.
Race you to the beach.
Here we go.
Look at those two crazy kids.
Running around like fucking freed slaves, huh? Hey, I got something for you.
What do you have for me? Something pretty bad ass.
Check this shit.
I been working on it nonstop.
It's part three of my life saga collection.
You know, when I get back to the majors, this going to be a humongous human interest piece.
People are going to be clamoring for the fucking story.
I'm not going to want to be sitting around writing a book.
So I did myself a favor and I fucking pre-wrote the bitch.
Do you understand about publishing? I understand.
You do? Yes.
Publishing is Is how they make books.
And before they give it to a wide audience, they got to make a bunch of copies of it.
That's a good idea.
It's pretty awesome, isn't it? Mmm-hmm.
I want to do it in the dunes today.
Well, I will be able to break you off a little bit.
I'll be able to slap it, but I'm not going to have time to flip it and rub it down.
Translation, I'm not sure if both of us are going to come.
What the fuck? You promised.
Yeah, I know.
I'm pissed too.
But I had some last minute shit pop up I got to attend to.
Now why don't you get that beautiful pussy out of them tight jean shorts? Is she jerking him off? Chapter One, the new beginning of the book.
There have been many great comebacks throughout history.
Jesus was dead, but then came back as an all-powerful God zombie.
Ryan O'Neal had his ups and downs, but is now back and better than ever.
Well, my comeback is almost complete and I can say that when it is complete, it will shake the pillars of this land or town.
My story is the story of a raging Christ figure who tore himself off the cross and looked at the Romans with blood in his eyes and said, "My turn now, cocksuckers.
" What's up? Hello.
It's medicinal.
But not for AIDS.
Hey.
Somebody order a stripper? Oh, shit.
Oh, look at my dick.
Kenny! I'm just kidding.
It's a fake dick.
Clearly.
Where have you been? You were supposed to be here four hours ago.
You said you were going to help.
Yeah, well, I got hung up.
Okay.
Well, you missed the cutting of the cake.
It's cool.
I already ate.
Stopped at a steakhouse on the way here.
Had desserts, appetizers, the whole deal.
I'm stuffed as hell.
Good for you.
Got this for the kid, a luxury present.
Don't you want to give it to him yourself? I mean, you could probably just give it to him.
He's one year old.
Does he even know what planet he's on? Just what I need.
There's just another thing that I have got to do.
Kenny! No.
No.
I wouldn't so Trying to be doing it in a sexual way.
I'm just trying to comfort you.
You seem all stressed out.
Postpartumy and after birthy and shit.
I'm just trying to make you cool.
You know what? This is Toby's day, Kenny.
This day is for Toby.
Uh, duh.
I know that.
You're the one making it about yourself.
You know, I'm going to take a lap.
Give the hometown fans something to fucking gawk at.
I'll see you around.
And now the world-famous floating girl magic trick.
And then the first pillow, and then the last one.
She's floating, everyone.
Give her another hand.
You're going to help out.
We can see you.
Come on over.
Check out these balloons.
Kenny, come over.
Now.
Kenny, come over.
Come on.
Jesus Christ.
Ah, look who's here.
Hey, what's up, Dustin's family? What's up, brother? Not much.
Look who I have here, huh? The birthday boy.
Yeah, I see him.
What's up, Ben & Jerry's? Criss Angel? Toby, you want to say hey to your daddy? Huh? I'm good here.
I'm just, got a good eye line on the sorcery show.
Kenny, you want to take the baby? No, no, said I'm good.
It's okay.
Come on.
Take the baby.
Take the baby.
Come on.
He wants his daddy.
Take the baby.
Kenny, take the baby.
Nope, I'm goo I'm okay.
He's cool.
He's cool.
Yeah, you want your daddy.
Put your arms around him.
He's slipping.
Put your arms around.
Kenny, take the baby.
Hi, baby.
Hi, precious.
Well, I see Kenny came.
Yeah.
I don't even know why he bothered.
Well, you know, he's trying in his own way, right? I mean, at least he made it.
What's that expression? Um, 80 percent of success is just showing up? Oh, yeah, and the other missing 20 is, you know, paying child support, being a good daddy, not fucking anything with two tits.
I thought he was, you know, going to change.
I had real high hopes.
But same old shit really.
Go.
Mom! Cassie, can I ask you something? Course, honey.
Do you ever regret it? What? Having kids? No.
Oh my God, no.
Right.
Course.
Just curious.
Look at this.
Cassie, thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
- See, that's a nice gift.
Yo, Jamie.
What's up, dawg? Kenny.
You don't You don't You don't have to do that.
How's fucking work going, dawg? Market's down but, uh, we're hanging on, you know? Closing a few.
Mergers and acquisitions.
I hear you.
How's old big cannons doing? Well, she seems a little stressed, you know.
Like trying to balance the baby and work.
Honestly, I'm kind of worried, you know? Because she's Dude, I don't give a shit about any of that.
Give me the inside hookup, dude.
She seeing anybody? She doesn't have time for anything except Toby.
Cool.
So she's not like fucking any other dudes, no booty calls, no friends with bennies, backyard brothers? I don't think so.
Cool.
Well, keep an eye out, man.
You know, hos be creeping.
From your dad.
Kenny, you want to come help Toby open Open his gift? Naw, you're the center of attention.
You got it.
Just fucking handle your stuff.
Okay.
So let's see what it is.
Well, look at that.
Mmm-hmm.
That is, Toby, a Sony.
Sony's a Japanese corporation, April.
Uh, it's pl PS3.
It's a PlayStation.
What an appropriate gift for a baby.
Yeah, it is an appropriate gift for the baby.
It does Blu-rays, which are in high definition.
It's better for his eyes to tick upon the movies.
So perfect.
Because he's one.
Oh, trust me.
I know.
Fucking longest year of my life.
I'm fucking wasted.
Well, thank you, Kenny.
Yeah.
Well, you're goddamn welcome.
I know that's a little awkward and strained here at the birthday celebrations.
It's a little weird because April and I aren't together.
I know a lot of people are probably whispering behind our backs how fucked up it is that Toby comes from a broken home.
I tried to make it work.
I didn't fuck anybody for three months.
But whatever.
April kind of does what she wants to do.
I also didn't want to name the baby Toby because that's a racist name.
Am I correct? You know what, Kenny? You don't need to go into any of this.
No, let me finish, all right? Toby is what, uh, the slave masters in Roots made Kunta Kinte be called.
I wanted to call the baby Neil, but that was also not listened to.
So there's that.
The good news is that because April has never given this family a chance to really exist in the first place, Toby has no point of reference for what a real family is.
So no damage to my son.
My son is totally cool, y'all.
So raise your glasses.
As we say in Mexico, feliz cumpleanos.
To fucking Toby.
Not to fucking him.
To, like, he's cool.
To fucking Toby.
Okay.
Maybe do the next one? Whoo! One year old.
Oh, fuck me.
You end up tugging and adjusting all day long.
There's CamiSecret, the new fashion accessory that looks just like a tank top.
Watch closely, 'cause here's the real secret.
It's designed Fucking dumb.
What are you doing here? Uh, I don't know.
I'm not sure what I'm doing here.
I'm glad you came.
I wanted to call you and just apologize for my behavior at the birthday party.
I know Toby didn't appreciate it.
It wasn't anything personal, Toby.
I just kind of get weird around crowds these days just because I'm a celebrity and a star player and all that kind of trappings of fame stuff.
Sorry.
You know, we don't, we don't really need to talk about it.
I don't want to talk about it.
Or, yeah, we can just not talk about it too.
Just call it a wash.
We're even.
That's fine.
Okay.
Would you just take him? I need to go to the bathroom.
To hold him? Yeah.
Thank you.
Okay, Toby, here we go, bud.
We're going to put you on the big people's furniture.
Try not to shit all over it, okay? Hello, uh, young boy.
How have you been? April, uh, we're kind of running out of shit to say to each other in here.
Conversation's getting a little awkward.
How we doing back there? Kenny, we're going to need to get going.
So Are you crying? No.
No, I'm just, I'm just tired.
Yeah, I was going to say something about you being tired because you have been looking a little worn down lately.
No offense.
I mean, you still look Look good, but baggage under the eyes.
You know what I think you need? I think I should call a fucking sitter.
And then you and I go out for a bomb ass evening in Myrtle Fucking Beach proper, fucking awesome style.
I think it would do you and I both some good to get out and have some fun without the baby pulling us down for once.
I'm getting all tongue tied here.
Basically, I think it's high time you set that pussy free.
Set it free.
Set the pussy free.
This gorgeous sunset is rocking my nuts off.
It's so weird.
I haven't I haven't been out like this at night in, like, a year.
I try to live free like this every day.
I know.
It's a beautiful sunset, Kenny.
Well, I just wanted to show you what Myrtle Beach has to offer.
Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink! Looks like somebody's having a real good time.
Yeah.
Not a good as time as we're having though.
I'm out of beer.
Let's go get another, shall we? Okay.
Let's do it.
Okay.
Ladies first.
Thank you.
Oh, shit.
We're pulling into port soon.
They're going to cut the open bar off and we need to get shitfaced.
'Kay, you know what? I'm good.
I think we just, like, really need to get back because I don't even know the sitter.
All right, first of all, I know Shane.
He's fucking aces.
I trust him with ten babies, let alone one that just sits there and basically does nothing the whole time.
Okay? Okay.
We're in good hands.
I think you just need to kick back, chill and enjoy yourself for once.
Is that what I need to do? Yes.
I remember a girl who used to drink whiskey and smoke joints in tenth fucking grade and come watch me play baseball.
Okay? Have some fun.
All right.
You're in Myrtle Fucking Beach.
Holy shit.
Kenny.
Take it.
Just take it, take it.
Shit.
Whoo.
All right, tick, tick, boom.
Whoo! Heads up.
Look out.
Oh, look at that.
Why don't you hold your dicks for a minute? We'll be done here in a second.
No, you just stay where you at.
Now we want to play through.
Well, that's mighty white of you.
But, uh, putt putt etiquette says you got to wait till we finish shooting.
You two been holding us up for the last hour.
Now we're going to play through.
So I advise you just get the hell out of the way.
Dad, should I go ahead and shoot.
Yeah, go ahead, Jimmy.
No, don't go ahead, Jimmy.
In fact, why don't you pick up that ball and fucking slide her right up your dad's butthole.
Hey, don't cuss at my kid.
Butthole.
Butthole.
Butthole.
Jimmy, take the shot, son.
No, Jimmy.
Don't take the shot.
Take the shot.
Your dad is making you look like a fucking idiot.
Don't take the shot.
- Take it, Jimmy.
- Jimithon.
Kenny, stop.
Take the shot, Jimmy.
Take the damn shot, Jimmy.
- What the - Nice shot, Jimmy.
- Looks like you shanked that one.
- How about I rip your nuts off and throw them where you just threw my kid's ball, you asshole? That's kind of a clunky threat, don't you think, bubba? Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait.
I'm I'm sure that we don't want to set this kind of example in front of your kid.
And what would you know about that? Oh, we're parents.
Yeah, and I'm a mother.
So Well, as a mother, I would think that you would not want to be drunk at the putt putt in front of kids.
I feel sorry for your child.
Mom! You crazy bitch.
Come on, come on.
Hey, God damn.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Go, go.
Cops.
You guys are fucking rednecks.
This is your fault, Jimmy, you little fucker.
Yeah! Whoa! God damn, you just gave me whiplash.
Hey, no ramming.
So what, you guys on vacation? I fucking run this town.
Kenny, over here.
Hey, we're parents.
Suck our dicks.
Suck our dicks! Fuck yeah.
Who said that hit movies can't be smart? You know what I mean? The only reason he was there is because she was fucking him the whole time.
What up, dawg? Hi, how you doing, Kenny? What's going on, Andrea? April.
April.
Who's Andrea? Nothing.
This fucking dude's wasted.
Where's Toby? I'm going to go check on Toby.
Toby's, uh, should be back in the dojo unless he learned how to walk and left.
You've got a fucking dojo? Of course I do.
Don't mess with my swords.
How're things going with April? Maybe this will answer your inquiry.
Oh, shit.
Look at that.
Y'all got an airbrushed t-shirt of, uh, some kid with Down's Syndrome and a black girl with your names on it.
No, fucker.
This is me.
You're fucking on fire tonight.
You know why? Pills.
I need you to get the fuck out of here so I can finish off this climactic evening.
Uh, well, hey, I want to know all the dirty details tomorrow.
If you get any cell phone snaps, send them my way.
JPEGs are good for jerking off.
We always miss that bottom level.
Copy that, Goose.
All right.
Goose? Bullshit.
You're Goose.
Hell no.
I'm Maverick.
I don't think so.
I'm fucking Tom Cruise.
You're Goose.
No, no, no.
Because, uh, Goose had a family.
Maverick rolled solo.
Pimp.
Whatever.
Get the fuck outta here.
Who do you think he looks more like? I don't know, April.
I'm fucking wasted.
Just look at him.
He looks like the dude from The Shield.
Chiclets.
You asshole.
I know we're both drunk, but I'm just going to go ahead and say it.
I've been lost without you.
I'm really glad you came here.
April? Hmm.
"Sorry, Kenny, I'm not myself.
" "Last night only proved it.
Be in touch.
" What fucking shit is this? Fuck me.