Father Ted s03e01 Episode Script
Are you right there, father Ted?
What about Tuesday? Can you do the 11 o'clock Mass? Ted, I'll do the 11 and the 12, you should have a rest after that weekend away.
Well, Paris does tend to take it out of me.
I'm off for a game.
Ted, care to join me? No, thanks, Darren.
What time are we going to the races? I suppose after lunch.
Oh, and Mrs Dunne hopes you like pheasant.
I love pheasant.
This is what it's all about.
Fine port, beautiful surroundings and intelligent company.
Did you not have all that at your last parish? No.
Dublin seems to suit you, though.
You've got a new-found gleam in your eye.
Yes, I'll be staying here a while, as long as I don't mess it up by doing something stupid.
Most of these accounts seem in order, Father Smith, but could I ask Father Crilly about one or two of these things he's put down under "expenses"? TED! (Helicopter) (Squeaking and whirring) What is making that incredibly annoying noise? Ronaldo.
I was lonely without you, Ted, so I got a hamster instead.
Yes, but does he ever stop running in that fecking wheel? No, he's had to use it ever since he rode this into his feed tray.
Don't worry, I think there's just something wrong with the brakes.
How long has Father Jack been living in there? He started just a few days after you left.
Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.
(Rumbling) (Screaming) Mrs Doyle just fell off the roof.
I think I'll go and visit Father Fitzpatrick.
I think he has a book belonging to me.
Let's see now, Humanae Vitae.
You know, sometimes I leaf through this to see just how far we've come.
Celebration Of The Christian Mystery, Daeus Canida, Ventra Mepolo Ah, Stephen king's The Shining.
Well, thanks for the tea, Father.
See you the next time we, um We, uh Sorry, Father, I hope you don't mind me asking but what have you got a padlock on that door for? Is there something top secret? - My collection.
- Yes! That's right.
- What is it? War memorabilia? - That's right.
Like a look? I'd love to.
Taken from the German advance on Russia.
You can see where the hammer hits the shell casing.
Gosh, that's interesting.
Uh, these are helmets, mostly infantry.
Yes, these would be German as well? That's right.
Nothing from the Allied side? No, that sort of thing wouldn't interest me at all.
(Ted) Right.
That's my curiosity satisfied.
And this is the last photograph taken of Herr Hitler.
He's signing a few death warrants.
Funny, how you get more right wing as you get older.
Right, well Great, this is all wonderful stuff.
Some people aren't too sure but you seem genuinely interested.
Oh, I amgenuinely interested.
- Ahh! Was ist das?! - What are you doing here?! I told you! No sleeping here.
This is an old friend, Ted.
See you.
(Man ) Deutschland, Deutschland uber alles (Chimes ) Feck! - (Chimes ) - Arse! - (Chimes ) - Drink! Ted, the table's so dirty I can write me name in it.
There's a "G" in Dougal.
Where? Right, that's it.
I'm fed up living in filth.
We'll just have to clean this place.
And what if anyone saw that hole in your tank top? Where, Ted? Ah, God, would you look at that! And this here.
A perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window.
How could you get a perfectly square bit of black dirt on a window? Mrs Doyle can't do any cleaning since she fell off the roof.
(Screaming) See? She can't keep her balance at all.
That's it, then, I'll just have to say it.
We'll have to clean this place ourselves.
What? - Are you with me, Dougal? - Well, yeah.
Right, let's go! Let's clean this mother! Yeah! Ted, I could pick up that broken bit of lamp.
Good idea.
Wow.
I'm bored now.
Yeah.
Dougal, look.
Ohh! Ho-ohh! I am Chinese if you please! Come on, Dougal, lighten up.
Uhh Wh Wh Who Dougal, there were Chinese people there! Oh, right, yeah.
But they I mean What is I mean That's the Yin family, they live in Chinatown.
Chinatown? There's a Chinatown on Craggy Island? I wouldn't have done a Chinaman impression if I'd known there was a Chinaman there to see.
Why not, Ted? (Whispers ) Because because it's racist.
They'll think I'm a racist.
I'll have to explain I'm not a racist.
If I don't stretch my eyes like that from time to time, I get "Fat Eyes".
- (Revs engine ) - Ahh! It's nothing of a racial nature! Thanks for being so understanding! Right, that's that.
Oh, that's that, all right.
What's that? I ordered some new stuff for the house, get rid of this old tat.
Dougal, you don't think I upset those Chinese people? I don't know.
It was like when you did that impression of Stephen Hawking.
He was the last person you'd expect to turn up.
That was a million to one shot.
God, he can move in that wheelchair when he's angry.
Don't worry about it, Ted.
Did you phone Habitat? No, Habit Hat.
Like Habitat it sells soft furnishings but also priest clothes.
Does it not get confused with Habitat? No, that's never happened, except when you just did it.
Anyway, what else did you order? Priest's socks, really black ones.
I read in an article about priest's socks that priest's socks are blacker than any other socks.
That's right.
Sometimes you see lay people wearing apparently black socks but if you look closely, they're really very, very, very, very dark blue.
That's true.
I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, dark blue.
Never buy black socks in a normal shop.
They'll shaft you every time.
(Man ) Hello there, Father! Hello, Colm.
- Out and about? - I am.
Same as yourself.
Good, good.
I hear you're a racist now, Father.
What? How did you get interested in that? - Who said I'm a racist? - Everyone's saying it, Father.
Should we all be racists? What's the official line the Church is taking? No, no Only the farm takes up most of the day and at night I just like a cup of tea.
I might not be able to devote myself full time to the old racism.
- Good for you, Father! - What? Oh, Mrs Carberry.
Good for you! Someone had the guts to stand up to them at last! Coming over here, taking our jobs and our women and acting like they own the fecking place! Well done, Father! Good for you! Good for you! I'd like to fecking - Fecking Greeks! - It's the Chinese he's after! I'm not after the Chinese! I don't care as long as I can have a go at the Greeks! They invented gayness! Look, we're not having a go at anybody! I'm not a racist, all right?! God.
Feckin' Greeks! - How's Mary? - Fine.
She got that job.
Great! (Man ) Racist! (Irish music playing, chatter) (Silence ) (Rings ) - Hello? - Hello.
Is that the Yin dynasty Family! Is that the Yin family? - This is Sean Yin.
- Hello, it's Father Ted Crilly here.
I think I owe you an apology.
(Bell tinkling, tyres screech) Right, see you in a while.
Dougal, everything's cleared up.
They're coming straight round.
I'll stop people saying I'm a racist.
It's great, nothing can go wrong.
Fantastic.
So the story is you're not a racist.
Yes.
What? No, it's not a story.
I am not a racist.
Tea, everyone.
Father Crilly, I hear you're a racist.
No, Mrs Doyle, he's not a racist.
I am not! I am not a racist! Mrs Doyle, you can't go on like this.
- I'm going to try something.
- No! - Don't worry.
- Oh, nono! - No, no! - Just relax.
No (Screams ) Ohh Oh, yes, that's much better.
- Are you sure? You look - Oh, yes, yes, yes! This is great.
I'll be fine now, Father.
NO! Seriously, Father, I feel 20 years younger.
Ted, the Chinese are coming.
Oh, where are they? Feck it, this big mark's still on the window.
Never mind.
Hello! Hello! Why do we have to talk to this fascist? Come on now, it may have just been Where are they going? I invite them here and they don't let me tell them my side of the story! (Inaudible ) This is terrible, people think I'm a Nazi racist and I'm not! What can I do? Ted, here's an idea right off the top of my head.
I haven't thought it through but what the hell, I'll just talk and see what comes out.
Anyway Have a special event celebrating Craggy Island's different cultures and then people won't think you're a big racist.
- My God - What? - That's a good idea.
- No, it isn't.
It is, Dougal, it is! No, there's probably something wrong with it.
Think it through.
No, Dougal, you've had a brilliant idea.
But break it down for me a bit more.
What would an event celebrating the different cultures be like? What? What would it involve? Celebration, yes, but what form could it take? Ted, I want out.
- What do you mean? - I went too far too soon.
I didn't know what I was getting into, Ted.
I didn't know you had to follow up a good idea with loads more.
I'm sorry, Ted, I'm going to sleep in the spare room.
- Dougal! - I'm sorry! I've sheltered you for 50 years, you've never even made me tea.
(German accent) You make the tea, I do the washing up.
When did you do the washing up? I did it for the whole of 1947! And again in 1973.
You liar! You broke all the plates and then went, "I am so tired, I never had to wash up in the Wehrmacht.
" - Never! - I'm going to take a Valium.
- Me too.
- Why must you ape everything I do? Wait! These aren't Valium! These are the cyanide we kept for emergencies! You put cyanide next to the Valium, that's asking for trouble! - Shut up.
- We've only got 15 seconds to live! - That is just fine by me.
- Good.
Fine by me too.
- Good, I'm glad it is.
- I'm glad you're glad.
Holy Mary Mother of God, Jesus and His Blessed Saints.
Oh, Holy Mary I'm cured! What happened, Mrs Doyle? I stepped on the hamster's bike and fell down the stairs.
Dougal, I told you to put that away safely.
I did, Ted.
I put it back in the cage.
Oh, no, no.
Don't worry, Father.
It's great, I feel fantastic.
I'd forgotten I can turn my head right around like this! That stuff from Habit Hat arrives today so when it comes give Father Jack Where is Jack? - I think he's up the chimney.
- Right - Will I burn him out? - No! The smoke would back up, it'd be all over the house.
Anyway, when that stuff comes, put it all up, all the new rugsand the things for the chairs and It's your thing really.
I wouldn't know about that because I'm a man.
Anyway, we're off to celebrate Craggy Island's ethnic diversity.
( # Carl Douglas: kung Fu Fighting) (Applause ) Welcome.
Willkommen.
Bienvenu.
It's a great honour and privilege for me to present this celebration of the diverse cultures that exist on Craggy Island.
Namely, Chinese people and people from Craggy Island.
I've prepared a short slide presentation which reflects this multicultural mix.
So, without further ado let's start the show.
He visited the Island a few years ago, I forget his name now but I got on very well with him.
I just thought I'd throw that in.
Will there be any free drink at this? Yes, a limited supply of free drink afterwards.
The Great Wall Of China, a miracle of Chinese engineering.
So big you can see it from anywhere in the world.
Chairman Mao, secretary of the Communist Party of China, the world's biggest Communist party, and in my view, the best.
Mr Miyagi from The karate kid.
My favourite film, not because of the karate kid, but because of Mr Miyagi.
Every day, I remember some of his many words of wisdom.
kato! Where would he spring from next? The Maori.
I'm sorry, I don't know how that got in there.
Of course, there are no Maoris on Craggy Island.
Ming the Merciless.
And best of all, the Chinese people themselves.
Look at them, aren't they great? The Chinese.
A great bunch of lads.
I think we've addressed all aspects of Chinese culture and I'd like to thank you all for coming here tonight and if you'd like to, we can have a bit of an old chat.
Well, the slide show was a big pile of crap.
But the free drink very much appreciated.
Thank you, Father Crilly.
I just wanted to clear things up.
I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest.
Fascists dress in black and tell people what to do, whereas priests - More drink! - (Cheers ) Er, anywhere there.
Would you like a cup of tea? No, thanks.
I have an allergic reaction to it.
It's very rare.
If I drink tea, there's a 70% chance I'll die.
I'll make you a cup anyway in case you change your mind.
No.
Thanks anyway.
To China! (Cheers ) To Craggy Island! (Cheers ) - More drink! - (Cheers ) Sorry, the bar's closed.
(Cheers ) Everyone come back to my place for a drink.
(Cheers ) I need the toilet first.
(Cheers ) (Cheers ) Mrs Doyle, we have guests.
Did that stuff arrive? Yes, and I put it all up in less than an hour.
- There was this letter.
- Letter? "Father Crilly, on the instructions "of our recently deceased client, Father Seamus Fitzpatrick, "here are some items he specified you should have "in the event of his death.
" (Bell tinkling) I can explain everything.
Actually, no, I can't.
(Telephone rings ) - Hello? - Uh, sorry again and have you opened that present yet? No, looking forward to it though.
A year's supply of whisky! How very generous! Yes, the problem there is, you see, there's been a change of plan.
Well, Paris does tend to take it out of me.
I'm off for a game.
Ted, care to join me? No, thanks, Darren.
What time are we going to the races? I suppose after lunch.
Oh, and Mrs Dunne hopes you like pheasant.
I love pheasant.
This is what it's all about.
Fine port, beautiful surroundings and intelligent company.
Did you not have all that at your last parish? No.
Dublin seems to suit you, though.
You've got a new-found gleam in your eye.
Yes, I'll be staying here a while, as long as I don't mess it up by doing something stupid.
Most of these accounts seem in order, Father Smith, but could I ask Father Crilly about one or two of these things he's put down under "expenses"? TED! (Helicopter) (Squeaking and whirring) What is making that incredibly annoying noise? Ronaldo.
I was lonely without you, Ted, so I got a hamster instead.
Yes, but does he ever stop running in that fecking wheel? No, he's had to use it ever since he rode this into his feed tray.
Don't worry, I think there's just something wrong with the brakes.
How long has Father Jack been living in there? He started just a few days after you left.
Maybe he's agoraphobic.
Jack scared of fighting? I don't think so, Ted.
(Rumbling) (Screaming) Mrs Doyle just fell off the roof.
I think I'll go and visit Father Fitzpatrick.
I think he has a book belonging to me.
Let's see now, Humanae Vitae.
You know, sometimes I leaf through this to see just how far we've come.
Celebration Of The Christian Mystery, Daeus Canida, Ventra Mepolo Ah, Stephen king's The Shining.
Well, thanks for the tea, Father.
See you the next time we, um We, uh Sorry, Father, I hope you don't mind me asking but what have you got a padlock on that door for? Is there something top secret? - My collection.
- Yes! That's right.
- What is it? War memorabilia? - That's right.
Like a look? I'd love to.
Taken from the German advance on Russia.
You can see where the hammer hits the shell casing.
Gosh, that's interesting.
Uh, these are helmets, mostly infantry.
Yes, these would be German as well? That's right.
Nothing from the Allied side? No, that sort of thing wouldn't interest me at all.
(Ted) Right.
That's my curiosity satisfied.
And this is the last photograph taken of Herr Hitler.
He's signing a few death warrants.
Funny, how you get more right wing as you get older.
Right, well Great, this is all wonderful stuff.
Some people aren't too sure but you seem genuinely interested.
Oh, I amgenuinely interested.
- Ahh! Was ist das?! - What are you doing here?! I told you! No sleeping here.
This is an old friend, Ted.
See you.
(Man ) Deutschland, Deutschland uber alles (Chimes ) Feck! - (Chimes ) - Arse! - (Chimes ) - Drink! Ted, the table's so dirty I can write me name in it.
There's a "G" in Dougal.
Where? Right, that's it.
I'm fed up living in filth.
We'll just have to clean this place.
And what if anyone saw that hole in your tank top? Where, Ted? Ah, God, would you look at that! And this here.
A perfectly square bit of black dirt on the window.
How could you get a perfectly square bit of black dirt on a window? Mrs Doyle can't do any cleaning since she fell off the roof.
(Screaming) See? She can't keep her balance at all.
That's it, then, I'll just have to say it.
We'll have to clean this place ourselves.
What? - Are you with me, Dougal? - Well, yeah.
Right, let's go! Let's clean this mother! Yeah! Ted, I could pick up that broken bit of lamp.
Good idea.
Wow.
I'm bored now.
Yeah.
Dougal, look.
Ohh! Ho-ohh! I am Chinese if you please! Come on, Dougal, lighten up.
Uhh Wh Wh Who Dougal, there were Chinese people there! Oh, right, yeah.
But they I mean What is I mean That's the Yin family, they live in Chinatown.
Chinatown? There's a Chinatown on Craggy Island? I wouldn't have done a Chinaman impression if I'd known there was a Chinaman there to see.
Why not, Ted? (Whispers ) Because because it's racist.
They'll think I'm a racist.
I'll have to explain I'm not a racist.
If I don't stretch my eyes like that from time to time, I get "Fat Eyes".
- (Revs engine ) - Ahh! It's nothing of a racial nature! Thanks for being so understanding! Right, that's that.
Oh, that's that, all right.
What's that? I ordered some new stuff for the house, get rid of this old tat.
Dougal, you don't think I upset those Chinese people? I don't know.
It was like when you did that impression of Stephen Hawking.
He was the last person you'd expect to turn up.
That was a million to one shot.
God, he can move in that wheelchair when he's angry.
Don't worry about it, Ted.
Did you phone Habitat? No, Habit Hat.
Like Habitat it sells soft furnishings but also priest clothes.
Does it not get confused with Habitat? No, that's never happened, except when you just did it.
Anyway, what else did you order? Priest's socks, really black ones.
I read in an article about priest's socks that priest's socks are blacker than any other socks.
That's right.
Sometimes you see lay people wearing apparently black socks but if you look closely, they're really very, very, very, very dark blue.
That's true.
I thought my Uncle Tommy was wearing black socks but when I looked at them closely, they were just very, very, very, very, very, very, dark blue.
Never buy black socks in a normal shop.
They'll shaft you every time.
(Man ) Hello there, Father! Hello, Colm.
- Out and about? - I am.
Same as yourself.
Good, good.
I hear you're a racist now, Father.
What? How did you get interested in that? - Who said I'm a racist? - Everyone's saying it, Father.
Should we all be racists? What's the official line the Church is taking? No, no Only the farm takes up most of the day and at night I just like a cup of tea.
I might not be able to devote myself full time to the old racism.
- Good for you, Father! - What? Oh, Mrs Carberry.
Good for you! Someone had the guts to stand up to them at last! Coming over here, taking our jobs and our women and acting like they own the fecking place! Well done, Father! Good for you! Good for you! I'd like to fecking - Fecking Greeks! - It's the Chinese he's after! I'm not after the Chinese! I don't care as long as I can have a go at the Greeks! They invented gayness! Look, we're not having a go at anybody! I'm not a racist, all right?! God.
Feckin' Greeks! - How's Mary? - Fine.
She got that job.
Great! (Man ) Racist! (Irish music playing, chatter) (Silence ) (Rings ) - Hello? - Hello.
Is that the Yin dynasty Family! Is that the Yin family? - This is Sean Yin.
- Hello, it's Father Ted Crilly here.
I think I owe you an apology.
(Bell tinkling, tyres screech) Right, see you in a while.
Dougal, everything's cleared up.
They're coming straight round.
I'll stop people saying I'm a racist.
It's great, nothing can go wrong.
Fantastic.
So the story is you're not a racist.
Yes.
What? No, it's not a story.
I am not a racist.
Tea, everyone.
Father Crilly, I hear you're a racist.
No, Mrs Doyle, he's not a racist.
I am not! I am not a racist! Mrs Doyle, you can't go on like this.
- I'm going to try something.
- No! - Don't worry.
- Oh, nono! - No, no! - Just relax.
No (Screams ) Ohh Oh, yes, that's much better.
- Are you sure? You look - Oh, yes, yes, yes! This is great.
I'll be fine now, Father.
NO! Seriously, Father, I feel 20 years younger.
Ted, the Chinese are coming.
Oh, where are they? Feck it, this big mark's still on the window.
Never mind.
Hello! Hello! Why do we have to talk to this fascist? Come on now, it may have just been Where are they going? I invite them here and they don't let me tell them my side of the story! (Inaudible ) This is terrible, people think I'm a Nazi racist and I'm not! What can I do? Ted, here's an idea right off the top of my head.
I haven't thought it through but what the hell, I'll just talk and see what comes out.
Anyway Have a special event celebrating Craggy Island's different cultures and then people won't think you're a big racist.
- My God - What? - That's a good idea.
- No, it isn't.
It is, Dougal, it is! No, there's probably something wrong with it.
Think it through.
No, Dougal, you've had a brilliant idea.
But break it down for me a bit more.
What would an event celebrating the different cultures be like? What? What would it involve? Celebration, yes, but what form could it take? Ted, I want out.
- What do you mean? - I went too far too soon.
I didn't know what I was getting into, Ted.
I didn't know you had to follow up a good idea with loads more.
I'm sorry, Ted, I'm going to sleep in the spare room.
- Dougal! - I'm sorry! I've sheltered you for 50 years, you've never even made me tea.
(German accent) You make the tea, I do the washing up.
When did you do the washing up? I did it for the whole of 1947! And again in 1973.
You liar! You broke all the plates and then went, "I am so tired, I never had to wash up in the Wehrmacht.
" - Never! - I'm going to take a Valium.
- Me too.
- Why must you ape everything I do? Wait! These aren't Valium! These are the cyanide we kept for emergencies! You put cyanide next to the Valium, that's asking for trouble! - Shut up.
- We've only got 15 seconds to live! - That is just fine by me.
- Good.
Fine by me too.
- Good, I'm glad it is.
- I'm glad you're glad.
Holy Mary Mother of God, Jesus and His Blessed Saints.
Oh, Holy Mary I'm cured! What happened, Mrs Doyle? I stepped on the hamster's bike and fell down the stairs.
Dougal, I told you to put that away safely.
I did, Ted.
I put it back in the cage.
Oh, no, no.
Don't worry, Father.
It's great, I feel fantastic.
I'd forgotten I can turn my head right around like this! That stuff from Habit Hat arrives today so when it comes give Father Jack Where is Jack? - I think he's up the chimney.
- Right - Will I burn him out? - No! The smoke would back up, it'd be all over the house.
Anyway, when that stuff comes, put it all up, all the new rugsand the things for the chairs and It's your thing really.
I wouldn't know about that because I'm a man.
Anyway, we're off to celebrate Craggy Island's ethnic diversity.
( # Carl Douglas: kung Fu Fighting) (Applause ) Welcome.
Willkommen.
Bienvenu.
It's a great honour and privilege for me to present this celebration of the diverse cultures that exist on Craggy Island.
Namely, Chinese people and people from Craggy Island.
I've prepared a short slide presentation which reflects this multicultural mix.
So, without further ado let's start the show.
He visited the Island a few years ago, I forget his name now but I got on very well with him.
I just thought I'd throw that in.
Will there be any free drink at this? Yes, a limited supply of free drink afterwards.
The Great Wall Of China, a miracle of Chinese engineering.
So big you can see it from anywhere in the world.
Chairman Mao, secretary of the Communist Party of China, the world's biggest Communist party, and in my view, the best.
Mr Miyagi from The karate kid.
My favourite film, not because of the karate kid, but because of Mr Miyagi.
Every day, I remember some of his many words of wisdom.
kato! Where would he spring from next? The Maori.
I'm sorry, I don't know how that got in there.
Of course, there are no Maoris on Craggy Island.
Ming the Merciless.
And best of all, the Chinese people themselves.
Look at them, aren't they great? The Chinese.
A great bunch of lads.
I think we've addressed all aspects of Chinese culture and I'd like to thank you all for coming here tonight and if you'd like to, we can have a bit of an old chat.
Well, the slide show was a big pile of crap.
But the free drink very much appreciated.
Thank you, Father Crilly.
I just wanted to clear things up.
I'm not a fascist, I'm a priest.
Fascists dress in black and tell people what to do, whereas priests - More drink! - (Cheers ) Er, anywhere there.
Would you like a cup of tea? No, thanks.
I have an allergic reaction to it.
It's very rare.
If I drink tea, there's a 70% chance I'll die.
I'll make you a cup anyway in case you change your mind.
No.
Thanks anyway.
To China! (Cheers ) To Craggy Island! (Cheers ) - More drink! - (Cheers ) Sorry, the bar's closed.
(Cheers ) Everyone come back to my place for a drink.
(Cheers ) I need the toilet first.
(Cheers ) (Cheers ) Mrs Doyle, we have guests.
Did that stuff arrive? Yes, and I put it all up in less than an hour.
- There was this letter.
- Letter? "Father Crilly, on the instructions "of our recently deceased client, Father Seamus Fitzpatrick, "here are some items he specified you should have "in the event of his death.
" (Bell tinkling) I can explain everything.
Actually, no, I can't.
(Telephone rings ) - Hello? - Uh, sorry again and have you opened that present yet? No, looking forward to it though.
A year's supply of whisky! How very generous! Yes, the problem there is, you see, there's been a change of plan.