Footballers' Wives (2002) s03e01 Episode Script

Let's face it, Jason never did quite get the hang of how to win friends and influence people.
'Rule number one: never sleep with your best friend's mother.
' Prick! Turn your back on my mum? On your baby?! Prick! 'But if you do, make sure she agrees with your notion of childcare.
' Jason! - You monster! - 'He wasn't the perfect father figure.
' - I hope your freakoid baby dies.
- Whoa! Have a nice day.
But he did have a winning way with his team-mates.
(Gasps) I've had enough of you, son.
I want you off the team.
And I always get what I want.
You better learn that I'm still the boss.
Show some respect.
I won't be pushed out of my own club by a gobshite like you.
'I, as a loyal, loving wife, would never hear a bad word said against him.
' Jason, you lying piece of shit! (Screams) (All yelling) You can punch me, wanker, but you can't hurt me any more! Jason was definitely an acquired taste.
But when the taste goes sour Ah, help me! Help! No No! 'Anyway, I can't sit around here gossiping all day.
' I've got a funeral to go to.
(Sighs) (Bell tolling) (Tanya) And through it all she offered us protection, a lot of love and affection whether we're right or wrong, and down the waterfall, wherever it may take us, we know that life won't break us.
And when we come to call, she won't forsake us.
We're loving angels instead.
That was and always will be Chardonnay.
Our angel.
(Sobs) She's up there looking after us.
And even though we couldn't save her from the ravages of anorexia, she saved us with her sweet memory.
As some of you may know it's only six months since my husband Jason died.
And difficult though our love may have been it's a blow I shall never ever get over.
There's only us now, Kyle and I'll hold your hand since you held mine after Jason died.
But for now it's time to say goodbye.
To Chardonnay Lane Pascoe.
Soul mate, wife daughter mother.
Beautiful funny clever and honest.
And terribly, terribly missed.
(Amber) Aloe vera, cactus flower, vitamin E and all the ancient properties of the sea.
Amber quenches your skin's thirst like the ocean gives life to the land-dwellers.
(Screams) - God! Shitting bastard jellyfish! - (Man) Cut! What do you want me to do, let them sting me?! - We should have shot this in a pool.
- OK.
Set for another take.
This jewellery's crap, it's bringing me out in a rash.
And this shit.
Thanks, darling.
How long is this gonna take? I've been here for hours! - (Screams) - Jesus! Are you all right? Get that bloody lamp sorted now! That's it! I've had it! I want to speak to my agent! You've got to be strong, love.
A lot of people have come to pay their respects.
I'll be there with you.
I couldn't help her, Mum.
I just wish it was me.
Nobody could help her, Kyle.
You remember what Tanya said, all right? Chardonnay wanted you to live.
And so do me and Paddy, Kyle - we need you.
Just an hour or two, yeah? And then you can let it all out.
(Sighs) Good.
Let's do it again soon.
- The key to the Royal Villa, please.
- One moment, sir.
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
Can I have your autograph, please? Hi.
You don't have a pen? - No.
- No? Nor do I.
(Girls scream and giggle) Tanya.
Nice speech.
I bet you're glad it's over.
I Kyle didn't embarrass you at Jason's funeral so I assumed you'd return the favour.
But Jason was a bastard, wasn't he? It's a bit sadder, this one.
Emotions can get the better of you.
- Who would it help by? - By what? Telling the truth? Do you think I want the world to know that my husband was sad enough to shag Old Mother Hubbard? Besides, wouldn't be fair on Paddy, would it? It's bad enough he thinks his mummy's just died, imagine if he knew she was still with us.
I mean, if you know you're gonna die wouldn't you just eat summat? - Even if you weren't hungry? - Yeah, but you're ill, aren't you? But you're only ill because you're not eating.
Life or death, man, have a sandwich.
- Hi.
- All right? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm coping.
- (Sighs) - I can't stand this.
I think that we should never have flogged Biagi.
Relax, they're playing a waiting game, so we wait.
- You won't be sorry, Frank.
- I better not.
We missed out on Europe last season.
Bloody Stefan letting us fart around mid-table - I want results.
Sparks' problem is weak management.
Stefan Hauser - and I might be out of line saying this - all brains, no passion.
He's lucky you let him resign.
(Sighs) His doolally daughter gave him a nervous breakdown.
Pascoe's gonna have one because of his doolally wife.
- Sod passion, women run this game.
- I'll tell you what runs it - a little bit of this and plenty of that, so you're in safe hands.
Jacks, remember Roger Webb from Birmingham? Yeah.
Did wonders for Kyle at the academy.
- Let me know when it's time to go, eh? - Yeah.
Jackie.
You look absolutely gorgeous.
I'm glad you could make it.
It's not like you knew her.
Well, you know, I'm here for Kyle.
I don't know how he's gonna cope, so go easy on him.
You worry about yourself.
I mean, you got your grandson to think about now.
(Blowing whistle) - Four.
I want four.
- OK.
Yes, four.
Yeah, that one, that one - OK.
- Four.
I hope your spirit houses bring you luck.
- Take me to the Regent.
- OK.
You're his agent - I got a whole flippin' team to look after.
We've only just got over Turner throwing himself off a building.
Yeah, well, the world continues to turn without Jason.
- And let's face it - (Mobile) grieving or not, Pascoe's a more reliable skipper than that wanker.
Yeah, what? Good, get him to email it to me.
My office just got a fax from Juventus.
Thunderbirds are go.
OK.
Cheers.
I'll go and tell Frank.
We've both lost our best friends and our spouses.
No one else can understand how that feels.
The difference is I'll actually miss Char.
You telling me you're sorry Jason fell? Jumped, you mean.
It was suicide, Kyle.
Yeah.
Yeah, course it was.
I won't lie.
I haven't shed a tear yet.
All I'm left with is bad memories and a stack of debts.
As far as I'm concerned, everything shit that's happened to me is because of him.
I'm glad he's dead.
Hon, I'm back! Conrad? Con? Conrad? - (Squeals) - (Laughs) You are a naughty boy.
Mm, and what happens to naughty boys? Hm.
- They get punished.
- (Chuckles) - See you tonight.
- Yeah.
Kyle? I'm off.
Leaving so soon, Frank? - Some appointments can't be changed.
- Yeah? You should have said, I'd have asked Chardonnay to die at a more convenient time.
Sorry, darling.
I'll call you tomorrow, OK? Be strong, babe.
(Sighs) Kyle.
You hang in there, yeah? Take as much time off as you need.
No, I I wanna play soon as.
OK.
Boss? What's all this buzz about a new signing? Hey, now's not the time.
Er l'm asking as captain.
Trust me, Kyle, if there was anything to tell you, I'd tell you.
Cheers.
When I think about it, I could've been killed - it fell that close to my head.
Anyway, I go shopping to take my mind off things and I swear I was being followed by one of them.
- Don't start, Amber.
- I'm not starting, I'm just scared.
You don't mess with the Triads, and you owe them three million pounds! I don't owe them shit! The ball went in.
Accident, mind.
Look, match fixing isn't a science.
They know that.
- I'm glad I didn't drop the game.
- But you did.
- And they know where we are.
- What would they be doing here? Come on, relax.
After the deal with Sparks we'll be well away from Turin.
I'm gonna phone home, speak to my baby.
- (Sighs) - I wish we'd brought him with us.
Ciao, Marcella.
I wanna speak to my little bambino.
Put him on.
Hello, darling.
Mummy misses you very much.
Say hello.
- Say hello to mummy.
- (Barks) I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, Tanya Louise Turner, do take thee, Francis Michael Laslett to be my lawful wedded husband.
(Man) Come on, over this way (2nd man) Over here, please? Come this way, guys.
Over here.
That's it, ignore the others, just look here.
'The scenes earlier today in Thailand 'as speculation mounts about Conrad Gates' transfer to Earls Park.
' (Conrad) 'We're on holiday.
' (Man) 'You know you're going.
' 'I'm not saying whether I'm going or not, guys.
' - (Man) 'So we can take it you are going? ' - (Conrad laughs) (Conrad) 'Whatever I do, you'll be the last to know.
' - Got there in the end, anyway.
- Yeah.
Char would have been proud.
Look, funerals are for a reason, love.
They're our way of saying goodbye and starting to face the future.
And that's what you've got to think about now.
It's not that easy, is it? All I'm saying is everything is for a reason.
This could make you stronger.
Make you a better man.
Sorry? How is Chardonnay starving herself to death ever gonna make me a better man, eh? It happened, Kyle.
I don't know, maybe it was fate.
So now you're telling me it was in the stars, yeah? It's just an excuse to make you feel better.
- What? - Well, I don't know, it's worked out quite nicely for you.
What do you mean? Come on, Mum.
You never liked Char from the start.
- Don't do this, Kyle.
- Well, it's true, isn't it? You slagged her off, you gave her Paddy so you wouldn't look so bad.
If you hadn't shagged Jason none of this would've happened.
That is not fair! I hated Jason.
I wish I'd never set eyes on him.
That bastard nearly destroyed my family.
- Believe me, I could've - What? What? Killed him? Anyway, you got what you wanted.
Char's gone and Paddy's all yours.
- He's as much yours as mine.
- No, he isn't! Half brother, whatever that is.
Cut the bullshit, mum! Our lives are one bloody lie after another.
(Reporters chattering) (Man) Frank, Frank, congratulations! 'What about the critics who say you've married too soon after Jason's death? ' 'Well, it's no secret that my marriage to Jason was troubled.
'Frank's been my rock since he died.
I consider myself a very lucky woman.
' - (Frank) 'You're making me blush.
' - (Laughter) (Man) 'Where are you going for your honeymoon? ' (Reporters yelling) - What the hell are you doing here? - The man's your granddad! Shh! Jesus! Stop this! You don't understand anything about it.
Frank'll look after me.
So he's minted.
Look, I'm not exactly slumming it myself.
Oh, grow up, Darius! - Frank can give me something you can't.
- Yeah? Would he kill Jason for you? Would he have pushed Jason off a building for you? - Shut up now.
- Jason hit you.
I couldn't stand it! - All that shit he put you through.
- I said, shut your mouth.
- Jason jumped.
- You don't know that.
Yes, I do.
That was the verdict.
Suicide.
Case closed.
You got it? I did it for you.
Go on, piss off.
I'll get on to Juventus tomorrow and iron out the small print.
You and me do the do out in Thailand.
- All happening then.
No turning back.
- Yeah, good.
Easy for you, not your money.
I don't like gambling with the club's cash - or mine.
- (Tuts) - Where's the gamble? This is Conrad Gates we're talking about.
And my personal fortune, so if we lose it I don't represent losers, Frankie.
Gates is worth every penny.
Tomorrow, then.
I'll look forward to it.
Oh, one more thing, Hazel.
I'm looking for a bit more than they originally offered.
Three million.
You're my agent, that's your job.
If I'm gonna make the move it's got to be right.
Sparks aren't gonna pull out now for a bit extra.
Too far down the line.
Just tell them I had a rethink.
Let me know.
All about timing, sweetheart.
Take it from me, Conrad, yours is the dog's bollocks.
(Laughs) Hello, wifey.
(Chuckles) - Here's to our future.
- Correction.
Here's to our agreement.
Potato, potata.
No, Frank.
I stuck to my side of the deal.
Everyone thinks I'm some battered wife forced to lie in court, only to be saved by the very man I lied about - Frank Laslett.
My hero.
You'd rather go to jail? Two years, Frank, then I get my divorce.
A lot can happen in two years.
You packed for Thailand? - I'll do it tonight.
- Bring something sexy.
It's our honeymoon, after all.
Working honeymoon, dearest.
With the emphasis on working, OK? You never know, you might enjoy yourself.
Well, we used to be friends.
There's no reason we can't continue to be.
(Sighs) Just as long as I bankroll you well enough, eh? You see, that's the difference between Jason and me.
At least I know what you're in it for.
You're not still pining for that bastard? He did us all a favour by killing himself.
We both know he didn't have the balls to jump.
Jumped, fell does it matter? No.
It doesn't.
I'm going upstairs to change.
Fancy joining me? (Sighs) I refer you back to our agreement.
No sodding way.
You can't blame a guy for trying.
Next time we do a deal try to make it closer, will you? - Like Manchester or Liverpool.
- Relax, Frank, it's our honeymoon.
- There's my boy.
- Our boy.
(Frank) Yes-ah! (Chuckles) Hi.
Welcome to Thailand, Mr and Mrs Laslett.
I hear congratulations are in order.
- Yes, thank you.
- Muchos gracias.
As I represent you I thought I'd tag along.
Make sure it goes smoothly.
It's been a long journey, let's check in.
Catch you later.
Lunch.
Somewhere nice.
I need to talk to you, sweetheart.
I know just the place.
Chardonnay bought her for me for a wedding present, she's won three races this season.
It's like she's running for Char.
Anyway, if you want to earn a packet come down there with me on Saturday.
Er, I don't really know owt about horses.
Well, a bet's a bet, isn't it? This is shit.
Let's go down the casino, eh? Nah, I'm all right here.
Suit yourself.
- Hey, you.
- Hiya.
You're Darius, right? - And you are? - Tanya, but you can call me Tan.
Hey, Kyle, wait up! Well, what an unexpected treat.
- The lovely Amber.
- Hazel, sweetie.
You've gone redder since I last saw you.
It matches my mood, darlin'.
What are you playing at, demanding more money? - Oh, come on.
- I got you a sweet deal.
You were happy.
(Sighs) Amber and me talked it through.
We decided I was worth more.
It's business - surprised you didn't suggest it.
Why are you worried? More money for Conrad means more for you.
Not if the whole thing falls through.
Thinking about your 15% are you? Listen, Einstein, I prefer to talk business without the wife sticking her nose in.
- Amber's got to have her say.
- Fine.
Go for it.
Years in Bollywood B-movies must make you an expert in sports negotiations.
- I beg your pardon?! - Whoa, whoa, girls.
Let's call a truce.
I need a leak.
I know how much Conrad's worth.
Do you? Conrad.
I'm hurt.
You've not been taking my calls.
Piss off.
- Thought you could run away? - Listen No, you listen.
We've tried to be polite but you are arrogant.
The light that nearly smashed your wife? Lucky escape? - Stay away from my wife.
- She might not always be so lucky.
You're not getting a penny out of me.
Interest goes up every day, Mr Gates.
Arrivederci.
You took your time.
So? Do we have a deal? (Sighs) OK.
I'll sign.
Conrad, I thought? I'm a man of my word, aren't I? Anyway, I've had enough of Italy.
I reckon it's time we went home.
All on black.
(Roulette wheel spinning) (Croupier) 36 red.
(Darius) Oh, no, man.
(Frank) What am I buying? A footballer or a male model? Listen, the Japanese are bunging this model 500 million yen.
Three million quid to you.
(Tanya) Oops.
How funny.
And I hear we're seated together.
- Perfect.
- Well, never mind, darling, the dress looks completely different on me.
Yeah I see what you mean.
Well, I'm happy we're sitting together - we're on the same team now.
Yeah, Frank's very excited.
Conrad's told me about your wedding.
Don't listen to what people are saying.
I think you should be very proud.
(Crowd cheering and applauding) I'm gonna be telling the rest of the lads tomorrow, but you should know first.
- Conrad Gates.
- Eh Yeah.
A done deal.
- You lying bastard.
- You what? All that bollocks - "if I've got anything to tell I'll you.
" I'm telling you now.
I asked you straight at my wife's funeral and you lied to me?! - I've played for this team for - Whoa! There was nothing to tell then.
- It was still up in the air.
- I'm the team captain! I had to find out from the news! Hang on a minute, Pascoe.
I don't know what you got up your arse but you get away with this once, cos you got personals.
This is an asset that you should be thankful for! As skipper you better make it sing.
I've got another signing coming up but I'll tell you about that when I'm ready.
And don't you ever - ever - tell me how to do my job again.
You got that? I said, have you got that? Yes, boss.
Yes, boss.
- Where you going? - Out.
(Door slams) What's going on? Oh, just business, Jackie.
Well, he's not himself at the moment.
I've got to draw the line somewhere.
I don't want to keep you.
Don't be daft.
Have your drink.
Oh, don't mind if I do.
- You all right? - Yeah.
It's just it's not only you he's taking it out on, if you know what I mean.
I'll bet.
Anyway cheers.
Cheers.
(# Synth-pop) Better not stand too close, eh? Just relax.
It looks like you cooked it up together.
Think sexy, like blonde and brunette.
Like Amber's your negative.
That's one way of putting it.
- Fancy a drink? - Yeah.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
So we'll be seeing a lot more of each other.
Certainly hope so.
Frank's a lucky man.
Don't I know it.
Mind you, he hasn't done too badly for himself, has he? I just had Roger on the blower.
He'll make the official announcement once he's told the boys.
OK? Feeling good.
Looking forward to the move.
- Good boy.
- Conrad We should mingle.
It is your party.
Yeah.
Tanya, come on, I'm bushed.
(Jackie moans) Oh, God! You made me jump.
Sorry.
I could think of nicer ways of creeping up on you.
Frank says you're leaving tonight.
Yeah.
Some honeymoon, eh? Shame, last night and all that.
Would've been nice to spend some time together.
Amber won't be in and to be honest, I'm fed up with airhead models.
Still never mind.
Oh, shit! Oh, God, I've got cramp.
Go to the side.
Give me your hand.
Give me your hand.
Just relax.
I learned about massage when we were in India.
It's amazing how it can help your sense of wellbeing.
All the pressure points in your neck and your head are linked to the rest of your body.
Focus on your nerve endings.
- Better? - Yeah.
Good.
This way.
- Amber.
- Tanya.
What happened to you last night? - I had to get my beauty sleep.
- Aren't you good.
- That's an unusual colour.
- I've got a casting.
Yeah, Conrad said.
What you plugging this time? I only advertise my own range, darling.
It's a feature film.
What, one of those Bollywood things? Are they still popular? I'm having dinner with a production executive in Bangkok.
- If someone pulls their finger out.
- Another late one then? What about you? Have you got a do to go to or something? No, just passing the time while Frank has a lie-down.
Yeah, well, at his age he probably needs all the rest he can get.
Bless.
You know, sometimes I wish Conrad had less energy.
Is that right? (Radio) ' deep in trouble now, they pulled it back at one-all after half-time 'but a late goal shattered their hopes.
- 'A minute was left when ' - (Phone) Webbsy.
Yes, I'll be back about ten o'clock your time.
You any further on the Lawson kid? That is my top whack, Webbsy.
Christ, he's only a rookie.
Well, get it done and dusted before I get back.
I'm not gonna be pissed about by a frigging toddler.
Jesus! (Sighs) Nice rest, love? Yeah.
Get me a towel.
Thank you.
Hazel's gone shopping.
Said she'd meet us at the airport.
I was wondering, what if I stay on for a few more days? I mean, there I am in the salon and Amber Gates invites me out for cocktails.
She's the new girl so it'd be rude not to really.
- And it is my bloody honeymoon.
- Yeah.
For an arranged marriage.
As you so elegantly put it.
Yes, but I have been following you around all week acting the doting wife.
I've played my part, Frank.
Don't I deserve a holiday? Come on, you're only gonna be working and I could fly home tomorrow.
- All right, all right, give it a rest.
- Great! - (Sighs) - Thank you, darling.
You drive me crazy, Jacks.
You always did.
It's fate, isn't it? Ten years later and we're just the same.
A bit too much the same.
Well, still hiding it from Kyle.
Still putting his feelings before your own.
- (Door slams) - Shit! - What? - It's Kyle! - You said he was out.
- That's what he told me! - Look - Roger, it's not the time All right, boss.
You never said you wanted to see me.
Yeah, just wanted to run a couple of things by you about Gates - but, er, I've got to go.
- You should've said.
Yeah, it's all right, it can wait till training.
Besides, your mum's been looking after me.
Haven't you, Jackie? Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow, yeah? Right, well, there's a casserole in the fridge and Geraldine's coming to watch Paddy.
- You going out again? - Yeah.
Yeah, to catch a flick with Nadine.
That's every night this week, you trying to avoid me? Well, I think that's the other way around.
Mum I'm really sorry about what I said.
You just got to bear with me, yeah? I got so much going on in here I feel like I could explode at times.
It just so happens you're in the firing line.
Yeah, well, I been thinking about that and I reckon we should pay Geraldine full time.
I mean, it gets me out of your hair when you wanna stay in and - I get to have a life too.
- Yeah, if you want.
All right.
I'll ask her tonight.
Hang on, just give me some time.
I don't want to lose you too.
You'll never lose me, Kyle.
No matter what happens.
A change of plan, I'm staying till tomorrow.
Frank's gone and so I thought maybe we should keep each other company.
Come in.
Thanks.
OK.
Masseur.
Old hamstring injury.
You look sensational.
Thank you.
How's the leg? Never better.
I don't know what you did to it but It was amazing.
We like the same things.
Same risks.
Shit! Tanya.
Dinner was cancelled.
Conrad said he'd be having a party.
- I didn't know you'd be here.
- Change of plan.
Relax, sweetheart.
We aren't like other couples.
We love each other enough to have fun with other people.
- Seen worse.
- Jesus! What's the matter? Too much for little Miss Suburbia? - Screw you.
- Looks like you won't.
- Maybe she doesn't want to.
- You're damn right I don't.
(Conrad) Just leave her alone.
(Amber) She's what I thought she'd be, a frigid nobody from the sticks.
Stick this up your sari! (Ringing) This is it, kid, your new home.
It's like a dream.
Thanks a million, Mr Webb.
I still can't believe it.
I don't piss about Harley.
I told you at Liverpool you was going places.
Tell you what, lads on t'youth team are going green.
Me girlfriend's been doing some killer bragging.
Let's hope you give her something to brag about, eh? Hey - don't let me down, Harley.
No way, boss.
I'm 100% committed.
I'm gonna do it, yeah? It starts right here.
Well, we better get over to the flat.
You're gonna love it.
Then come over the Gates's, their house-warming party.
- Meet the rest of the chaps.
- What, Conrad and Amber Gates? Man, Shannon's gonna piss her pants when I tell her.
(Amber) Have you listened at all? What am I supposed to do with that? It's supposed to be a Luge.
It's supposed to piss vodka, not just melt all over my goddamn lawn! I've got 100 people coming in a matter of hours.
I suggest you take this useless piece of shit back to where it came from and check my order.
Understand? Right, let's go through this menu, make sure you got that right.
- Eastern theme, yeah? - Yes.
- (Dog barks) - Oi! Stop it! You leave him alone.
Poor baby.
Did the nasty man nearly tread on you? Mm? You look nice, Mum.
Where you going? Er, I wanted to talk to you about that, actually.
- I'm off to the Gates's house-warming.
- I didn't know you were invited.
As as Roger's guest.
Webbsy? What does he want you there for? - If he thinks I need a chaperone - No, Kyle.
He wants me there for me.
- Are you shaggin' him? - We're dating.
What?! First Jason, now my boss - have you got no pride? This is nothing like Jason.
This is a mature and happy relationship.
- Yeah.
Yeah, course it is.
- You're not losing me, I'm just having a good time for once.
- I don't wanna know.
- Don't be so disgusting! Look I do deserve a life, you know, even if you don't think so.
Yeah? Well, here's a tip for you - try using birth control this time, eh? I don't need to be insulted by a 23-year-old brat.
I'll make my own way there.
Let's hope you've grown up by the time you arrive! - Des.
- Amber, you are looking so well.
Mm.
Lovely to see you again.
- Conrad, all right to have a word later? - Yeah, of course, Des.
Come on, don't be shy.
Harley Lawson, meet the other new kid, Conrad Gates.
Seriously cool to meet you, mate.
I've never even been to London and now I'm playing in t'Premiership here.
Welcome to the team.
My wife, Amber.
- Nice one.
- Enjoy the party.
I'm sure I will.
I went to a party up in Liverpool last summer.
Well cool.
But, you know, this is better.
- Top pad.
Straight up.
- Go get yourself a can of pop, will you? Wow! You look, er absolutely stunning.
I told him, Roger.
He wasn't too happy but I just said it was my life now, yeah? Well done, I'm proud of you.
Come on, he'll get over it.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thanks for inviting us.
- (Conrad) Help yourself to drinks, food.
- Tanya, you look stunning.
- Conrad.
- Different outfits this time.
That would be difficult - it's a one-off.
Frank, great to see you again.
Seems like ages since Thailand.
It's a shame you couldn't stay behind with Tanya.
We had a blast.
Had to sort out the publicity for your other half.
I've been watching him, he's shaping up well.
- Would you like a drink? - Love one.
Come on.
Listen, I've been thinking about you a lot since Thailand.
- I'm sorry - Forget it.
I was hoping we could discuss it a bit more later on.
In private.
That sounds like a very good idea.
This is Simba's chair.
Conrad gave it to me.
The little puppy looked so cute because he's so itsy and that chair's ginormous.
Simba! Oh, poor baby.
He doesn't like crowds.
He's probably cowering under a bed.
Erm, let's go through to the garden - I'll show you my meditation room.
Me and Con are really into our holistic downtime.
So you know Webbsy from Liverpool? Mm, from t'academy.
He were scouting there when I were 12.
- He said he'd come back for me.
- It's the big time now.
Don't be fooled.
He'll be your favourite uncle till you go wrong.
Then he's a bastard.
Better make sure I don't then.
He was in his tux, all ready to go.
I can't believe he'd blow it out cos of us.
Jacks, this is about football.
I've had enough talking about Kyle.
Come on, Kyle, mate, we're late as it is.
- 50 on red.
- Shit.
(Croupier) No more bets, thank you.
Hey, Tanya, have you tried this chicken curry? It's lovely.
I won't, actually, Roger.
I'm watching my figure.
- Great party, mate.
- Hey, thank you.
Some food? Drink? Here y'are, bruv.
- Kyle! - Hey, Jackie - leave him be.
- Tanya, have you had any food? - I'm fine, thanks.
I was hoping to see you before.
After our non-event in Thailand.
Well, whatever steams your pudding, darling.
Just not my scene.
Rest assured, it's our little secret.
We won't say anything to Frank.
(Snorts) I'm sure you won't.
Doesn't look good for you either, does it? Conrad and I have got nothing to hide.
If Frank was my type I would have asked him to join in as well.
But you needn't worry, he's all yours.
Oi! Big balls! I know you're in a bad place, love, but sort it out or you'll lose a packet.
Swatch have just dropped you cos you look like shit.
Suck my cock.
Twat.
(Amber) Simba.
Simba.
You haven't seen him? Lara Bateman bought him some organic biscuits and he should say thank you.
This is a dog we're talking about, is it? I suppose you're more of a cat person then? I've always loved my pussy.
- Not short of a few bob, are they? - Wish I had a house like this.
What? Yeah, course I'm pissed.
So would you be if you knew t'pressure I were under.
No, it's like it's like being on Mars and everyone keeps saying, "Don't mess up," and I've only just got here.
Yeah.
Tell you what, Shannon, I'm missing you summat wicked.
- Go on then.
- Go on.
- You twat.
- What are you trying to prove? Stop behaving like a spoiled half-wit.
You're upsetting your mother.
My mother? Oh, about my mother You're out of order, all right? You're out of order.
She's always been there for you.
Mopping up after you - she gets one night off and you - Just fuck off, all right? - Hey! I might be your boss, but I'm speaking as your mother's boyfriend - - get a grip or else.
- Yeah? What are you playing at, son? Staggering around pissed Get out of my face.
I know you're fed up with me but you're making a fool of yourself! Me? You're the one making a fool of yourself.
Look at you! You're mutton dressed as lamb.
This is my world.
You don't know shit about what I get up to.
- What about your bastard baby? - Kyle! Telling me what to do in front of my boss that you're shagging? You're a slut.
(Grunts, crowd gasps) - I'll deal with this.
- No, you won't.
Please, let me talk to him.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
God! Lovely.
So sorry.
(Coughs) (Jackie) Kyle! Just wait! Jackie! Jackie! You all right, mate? It's appalling, he's obviously got a screw loose.
Yeah, well, you might find life difficult if you'd just buried your husband.
(Frank) I've buried a lot of friends but I've never slapped a woman.
- Not without her consent, anyway.
- (Hazel) I'm with you there.
"If found, please call 0765" Simba? Oh, shit! Please, Kyle, talk to me! I love you, you're my flesh and blood.
Don't shut me out! I've known you for too bloody long! - You wanna know? - Yes, I do.
Fine.
I'll tell you, but you'll wish I hadn't.
I have it in here every day of my life! It's Jason.
He didn't fall.
(Mouths) My God, Kyle, no Tell me you didn't! (Kyle) 'We'd been checking on Tanya when we passed Jason on the stairs.
' What goes around comes around, Jason.
Your tits have got more brains than you, Char, and they're fire-damaged.
What? You're nothing, Jason.
'Then he said it.
' - I hope your freakoid baby dies.
- Whoa! Have a nice day.
I'm gonna go and get some peace and quiet.
- It's not worth it, mate.
- You're right.
He's not.
'Something just flipped.
Payback time for all the shit he'd put us through.
' (Footsteps) Ahh Hoped I was gonna jump? Tough shit.
Cos I'm the man.
I'm Jason Turner.
I'm Jason Turner! (Gasping) 'I don't think she really knew what she was doing.
' Help me.
Help! - 'lt just took one second ' - Help me.
No! ' for everything to change.
' So now you know.
We're just one, big, happy family.
You smug bitch! Slag! You dirty slut! You're telling me my heart's knackered? Take a bit of time to really digest it, then I'll come back and see you, talk about your treatment and what to do now.
- Kyle! - (Yells) Oh! Ah! Jesus!